This is me battling impostor syndrome
This is the big test. Right here. This is the test to see if you will stick with me even when you know everything. There is lameness about me. Not the lameness commenters point out. Not like, I don’t know anything about graduate school. Or I’m not fair to David Dellifield. No. It’s more fundamental than that.
I want you to recall that when I was growing up, the police came to our house pretty frequently. (And, in fact, to our hotel rooms. And you might be interested to know that when rich people trash a hotel room they do not get thrown out of the hotel. But rather, the kids get their own hotel room.) Every time, my dad would tell them that I was fine, that it was only a spanking, that I was exaggerating. He would tell them I have a behavioral problem.
He wasn’t covering anything up as much as expressing how my parents were actually convinced that I was a psychopath. I was the one who went to a psychiatrist my whole childhood. They even had me tested at Northwestern’s neurology lab. But at the same time, my parents were doing things like getting angry enough to leave me as in Arlington Heights, alone on a street corner, while they drove back to Wilmette. (Google Map that: Not good parenting. Probably illegal today.)
Okay. So fast forward to my marriage now, to the Farmer. The odds are that I would be with a man who treats me like my dad did, right? So it should not surprise you that the Farmer pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor. In front of my six-year-old son.
The Farmer would tell you why it’s my fault, and how I deserve it, and that I made him do it. If there were a neurology lab in rural Wisconsin he’d probably send me there because he has told me numerous times, most recently right after he apologized for pushing me, again, that I am emotionally abusive to him.
Two nights ago, I got really scared. He had already pushed me and shoved me and grabbed me and crushed my foot in a door. He would say that I deserved it. That I say crazy things to him. That I never leave him alone. That I am an awful person to live with. For the record.
He had me in a corner, and I was crying and I was scared, and he was telling me how I am a terrible mom, he was saying my youngest son is going to grow up and hit me. So I dialed a number that I thought was a friend, but it was my stepmom, the woman married to my dad
She is totally cool. My dad has very good taste and I really like this stepmom. And she was great to talk to. I can’t complain about one thing she said.
She says, of course, that I am a good mom. And of course, I do not believe her. Someone raised by abusive parents never feels secure in their parenting because they don’t understand what makes kids love parents. So that’s my weak spot. Even if I were a great parent, I’d never believe it.
And of course, she said I need to leave.
I was silent.
Then she suggests sending my dad to come see me. For support. I say okay. Because I can’t say no to support. And, you know what? I can’t say no to my dad. I just want to be loved. He tries really hard. I forgive every transgression, even as his transgressions are huge. Just go read that post. I can’t even bear to write about them again. I can’t because I want to have a dad who loves me in a real way.
I want to have a dad who comes and rescues me when I have a husband who is physically violent.
So my dad drives two hours to see me. He gets here for dinner. I told him not to come any earlier because it’s Sunday, the day my Ex comes to hang out at the house with my sons, and it’s the only day all week that I don’t have kids, so I have to work that day.
Our dinner features my act of childish passive-aggressiveness: I make sure there is no meat in the meal because the Farmer really wants meat in the meal every time.
Maybe that is what he means when he tells me I’m emotionally abusive.
I am alone in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I tell myself not to feel sorry for myself. I tell myself it gets me nowhere. I tell myself that I if I can fix this situation, I will be really good at helping other people to fix their lives.
My dad comes up to me in the kitchen. I am startled.
I tell him I really appreciate that he came, that it makes me feel less alone.
He tells me he wants to help. He tells me he researched women’s shelters in my area.
“Dad. Women’s shelter? Did you say women’s shelter?”
“Yes. I was thinking you could go to one.”
“I can’t go to a women’s shelter, Dad. It’s rural America. A women’s shelter, here?”
I am speechless. I am trying to figure out something to say to him about why I cannot show up to one of those, kids in tow.
“Dad. I’m famous. I’ve signed autographs in grocery stores.”
He said, “Oh. You are?”
I decide we are done. I fluff the bean salad and tell myself he is trying to be helpful.
The Farmer says grace. He needs to thank God before every meal. He wanted to say Jesus also, but we compromised with just God. So he says that. And as he thanks God for this meal, I put my head down and wonder if not allowing him to thank Jesus is emotionally abusive.
The kids eat and run.
And there I am, alone. With the three men in my life.
My dad talks about his stamp collection. There was an auction in Iowa. He was thinking of going, but all the stamps he wanted were too expensive.
The Ex says he had a stamp collection, too. His parents just sent it to him. They are cleaning out their closets.
The Farmer says he had a stamp collection too.
We talk about plate blocks, post card values, and pros and cons of hinges. The hinges are difficult. You never know if it’s better to attach the stamps for security, or if the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.
I
see everyone saying “Its time to end this relationship and leave”! And
you might get into another relationship down the road and you might have
two EX visiting your house to spend time with their children. And you
will sit for dinner with 4 Men who are part of your life. And does this
go on? I wonder why people are so frivolous towards relationships. A
dress does not suit you, change it and a relationship does not work,
change it?? The after effects of such switching relationships and
marriage are always passed on to the poor kids and it affects their
behavior and personality and the cycle just goes on. With a generation
passing on the ill of their behavior to the next generation.
Ever wondered why you have longer friendships despite having so many
differences and shorter marriages? Why and how do you treat your friends
different? There might be an answer in there.
I am shocked, saddened, and alarmed by the number of people here giving you terrible advice. This is NOT about Aspergers, whether or not you are emotionally abusive, how difficult you are to live with, the farmer’s relationship to his parents, or even your relationship to your father. Those are all peripheral issues which you should examine and address at some point, but right now, the only thing that matters is this:
He has physically harmed you, more than once, and in front of your kids. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY. You must leave. If you choose not to leave (you are an adult and this is your choice), your children must leave – immediately. If you’re going to take your time making this decision, or wait to see if there’s another violent episode, go ahead and send the children to their father’s house NOW. You are abusing them by keeping them in this situation for even a minute longer. You’re hurting yourself by staying as well, but you are an adult with the autonomy to choose – they are not. Please leave. Please get help. Either way, please send the boys somewhere safe and healthy, immediately.
You painted such a nice picture of the farmer that I have been determined to believe maybe your actions do cause emotional abuse. That maybe you really are the reason for your suffering. But after reading through this post again and several others from the past (and looking at the women in my life), I’ve realized no matter how many times you have/tried to get under the Farmer’s skin, it still is no reason for him to call you out in front of the kids or physically hurt you. There is no excuse for that. He didn’t want to hold your hand at the fair because it makes him look “whipped,” yet here he is pushing you to the floor. Doesn’t he know that makes him look like a wimp?
Pen, you’ve come off as a strong woman. There are so many strong women in this world who raise amazing children as single moms (Obama raised by his granny). I’m glad you are trying to give your boys a perfect childhood, but perfection is often the perfect recipe for disaster. I also came from a broken home, but appreciate my mom so much more by choosing to focus on me rather than remarry, even though she was asked many times. Don’t think your boys need the so-called father figure in their life to grow up normal. Besides, the Farmer’s actions make him the worst kind of role model for the boys.
I hate to say this, but F the farm; F homeschooling; and F the Farmer. The great thing about being a writer is that you can do it anywhere in the world. You don’t need any man in your life, not anymore. Not with two boys to look after, and who will look after you once they come to appreciate what you’ve done for them.
We will all miss the farm, but we all miss your career advice even more.
That’s it!
A brilliant idea!
A new genre – Reality Blog.
Reading about someone success is not nearly as entertaining as observing misery in action.
Any mediocrity could feel better: “At least my hubby does not crash my foot in a door. And he is a banker, not a farmer.”
I wonder how your traffic changes with this new plot. It is great topic for a PhD thesis: “Misery driven SEO and blog revenue”.
Keep up the good work.
I bet you and farmer a laughing now.
Would you let your readers vote and contribute to the plot?
I really wish folks would be more honest on these posts. I agree wholeheartedly with Lisa. And, I also agree that the Farmer has no excuse to hurt you. But you need to take accountability for what YOU do. You are an intelligent woman. Take ownership. Personally, I know that I could not handle your outbursts, your selfish need to communicate when you want to communicate, not when both of you are at a rationally sound mind.
Look at your patterns. Who is the common denominator in your marriage/relationships? I am sad that your father abused you, but you need to work through these issues that it has caused. You can’t say you found the perfect person in the Farmer who balances you, even though there were red flags that your relationship was tumultuous from the start, and then when it escalates to this very damaging area, point the finger at him and imply that you were the victim b/c you picked these people since you were abused.
Be accountable. If those issues are still with you, it’s not time for you to be in a relationship. When you were fighting about money, the house, getting married, breaking vases on your head…you should have been the adult to either leave or seek counseling but not ignore it and put your kids or yourself back into that situation.
You have choices. What you do now is your own. But know that first and foremost, your kids are your responsibility. If you choose to stay in this relationship, then it is your responsibility to make sure they are not expose to this unhealthy behavior. Your kids are at a very young age where these behaviors make a long lasting impact on them.
I say this because my brother watched fights between my mother and father when he was young. My brother abused me to no end as he grew up, then he abused his girlfriends, and his wife. My sister abuses all of her boyfriends. After a lot of counseling, my brother stopped abusing his wife, although, it requires a lot of work on his end and a lot of fear that she will take the kids and leave. My sister on the other hand, is still working through it WITHOUT being in a relationship.
I really do wish you all the best, and hope you find what you need or are able to work it out.
Good luck to you.
And this jerk is supposed to be what again, the “world’s most influential guidance counselor”? No – you are a charlatan, a fraud, and yes an imposter (and no you don’t get pathos points for admitting it).
I can’t even read your insane, incoherent bullshit. This is the second post I’ve tried to read – the first was a terribly inaccurate piece on employment opportunities for college grads.
This is obviously a site for unstable lunatics trying to rationalize their weakness and reaching out to each other for pity. What a joke.
Its interesting to hear all of the females on this site pointing the finger at the Farmer. Not ONCE does anyone ask what Penelope did to incite his anger…and before you all,go “THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIM TO PUSH HER”…..stop and THINK a little. I’m a Man with a temper…I’ve been married twice…I’ve never struck a woman…but I AM well acquainted with exactly how women pull the strings to enrage a Man. Every wife, girlfriend, mother, stepmother grandmother, and friend’s mother I have even been around knew EXACTLY how to do this…Its a time honored skill that all women possess.
I’m not making an excuse for the Farmer…but let’s not begin to assume he “pushed” her because he had a bad day on the tractor…
Its interesting to hear all of the females on this site pointing the finger at the Farmer. Not ONCE does anyone ask what Penelope did to incite his anger…and before you all,go “THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIM TO PUSH HER”…..stop and THINK a little. I’m a Man with a temper…I’ve been married twice…I’ve never struck a woman…but I AM well acquainted with exactly how women pull the strings to enrage a Man. Every wife, girlfriend, mother, stepmother grandmother, and friend’s mother I have even been around knew EXACTLY how to do this…Its a time honored skill that all women possess.
I’m not making an excuse for the Farmer…but let’s not begin to assume he “pushed” her because he had a bad day on the tractor…
Having been through abusive relationships, begining with my father, i can tell you that the only way I ever knew for sure that the guy was the problem was to clean up my own act.
If you can find a place of clarity where you know that you did not do anything that provokes someone else to violenece, then you know that their actions are theirs.
This is not to say that violence is ever acceptible. If the farmer or your father or anyone else is violent to you, take your children and leave.
When I met my husband, I realized after awhile that my actions were causing him great stress as he struggled not to act out physically in response to my lunacy. I did not want to loose him… so I got help, resolved to change and worked at it for a couple of very uncertain, difficult years… things are good now….
My hope for you is that you find your path to a gentler life…
Having been through abusive relationships, begining with my father, i can tell you that the only way I ever knew for sure that the guy was the problem was to clean up my own act.
If you can find a place of clarity where you know that you did not do anything that provokes someone else to violenece, then you know that their actions are theirs.
This is not to say that violence is ever acceptible. If the farmer or your father or anyone else is violent to you, take your children and leave.
When I met my husband, I realized after awhile that my actions were causing him great stress as he struggled not to act out physically in response to my lunacy. I did not want to loose him… so I got help, resolved to change and worked at it for a couple of very uncertain, difficult years… things are good now….
My hope for you is that you find your path to a gentler life…
I have worked in the criminal justice field with victims of domestic abuse for 16 years. This post and the majority of the comments highlight the ignorance most people have of the dynamics of domestic violence. First, telling a woman to leave her abusive relationship is just not good practice: 1) it almost NEVER works; and 2) it is the wrong response. Women (or men) in abusive relationships have many, many valid reasons for staying (love, children, resources, sex, companionship, “he’s not that way ALL of the time,” believing it will get better, just wanting the abuse to stop). Women (I’m just going to use women because they are by far the vast majority of victims) often have little power in abusive relationships and may try to exert it where they can- like in doing the opposite of what everyone else tells them they should. What we do in the field of DV (domestic violence) is to try to meet the victim where they are, reality checking (i.e. counteracting “He pushed me down but I provoked it by having another guy’s # on my phone;” “He only did it because he was drunk,’ “All couples ‘argue’.”etc.), and work with them on safety planning. Very few women will leave their partner after one act of violence. Or two, or three (And don’t be so sure that you, Gentle Reader, would be any different unless you have been in that situation yourself. There is a reason prosecutors don’t want many women on their DV juries: they all think that it could never be them sitting in that witness box.). If the woman wants to leave: great. If not, what can we do to make her safer in the relationship? What we do in the criminal justice field is to HOLD THE OFFENDER ACCOUNTABLE. The question is not “Why does she stay?” it is “Why does he abuse?” If Penelope was chasing the Farmer from room to room, he couldn’t have gotten into his car and gone for a drive or stayed in a motel for the night? If Penelope stood in front of the door, he couldn’t have called the police? His only remedy was to tower over her, shove her, push her, and slam her foot in the door? I tell the women I work with that even if your partner walks in on you banging his best friend, there is NEVER a justification for physical aggression. Conflict and anger is to be expected in any intimate relationship; violence is not. No one can be “provoked” into violence, it is always a choice (Even “self-defense” is a choice – a necessary one, perhaps, but still a choice. And a physical response to words, screaming, and name calling is just not commensurate.)
That said, just as there are different kinds of abuse, there are different kinds of abusers. There is the batterer who systematically uses power, violence, and threats in order to control his partner. There is also the abuser whose behavior is truly a one-time incident brought on by stress and / or chemical use. The bottom line is that some kind of intervention is always best practice. The abuser needs to understand that his violent behavior is never acceptable – at least in the eyes of society, if not the victim. Especially if the couple stays together, the abuser should enroll himself (or have the court do it for him) in an intensive DV program (and not diffuse “anger management,” unless he is using physical intimidation with the barber and bank teller too). Couple’s counseling is not even advised until the abuser has successfully completed the DV program. If the woman wants to get counseling on her own to deal with her own issues, fine (and there lots of great programs for women in these situations too that address the woman’s role in the relationship dynamic), but DV is not a “communication,” “relationship,” or “anger” problem – it is the choice to use physical or emotional violence and it is the responsibility of the abuser to manage. What actually concerned me most in Penelope’s post is that the Farmer would say – even in apologizing to her (which is actually no apology at all) – that whatever he did was her fault. This is in the top 5 on every list you will find detailing the “warning signs” of DV: every abuser blames his victim. Abusers cannot take responsibility for their choices until someone shows them how to. (And if she’s such a bitch, why doesn’t HE leave the relationship? Why keep punishing himself and the rest of them by staying with this tyrant?)
To be sure, women often have a different source of power in many abusive relationships: emotional power. Because women are generally socialized to be more in touch with the emotional aspect of relationships (intimate or otherwise), more in touch with the LANGUAGE of emotions, abusive men oftentimes find themselves feeling a power imbalance in emotionally charged situations and resort to the power they can exert: brutal insults, threats, and physical intimidation.
It is very hard to tell from Penelope’s post if any of these dynamics are at play. It clearly sounds like she and the Farmer both need individualized therapy and eventually couple’s therapy to address what each of them brings to the relationship separately (and then how these styles interact with each other) if they are to stay together. Both of them need to learn how to manage conflict: it is not that a couple argues that determines the success of the relationship, it is HOW they argue. If the Farmer realizes that he is not willing or capable of making concessions to Penelope’s emotional style/ shortcomings (due to Asperger’s or otherwise), then he has just as much an obligation to leave the unhealthy relationship as does Penelope if she realizes she cannot successfully manage conflict with the Farmer’s emotional style/ shortcomings (well . . . having the ultimate responsibility for the children at risk of witnessing further abuse, I would say she has more of the responsibility to leave). Both of the adults made terrible choices, the worst of which was to exhibit their violence – verbal, emotional, and physical- in front of the children. I sincerely hope the boys are given the opportunity to talk about what they saw, how it made them feel, and to be told, above all, that it was unacceptable, and not their fault.
Lastly, I want to congratulate and thank Penelope for sharing this story. DV casts a shadow of incredible shame over victims. It is this shame that often prevents them from getting help until it is too late. Commenters have at once condemned Penelope for airing the Farmer’s dirty laundry, and in the same breath told her to leave. How shameful a woman would feel if she didn’t follow that direction at this very moment.
If you or someone you know if suffering from intimate partner abuse, there is help: 1 – 800 – 799 – SAFE(7233) orTTY 1 – 800 – 787 – 3224
http://www.thehotline.org/
I have worked in the criminal justice field with victims of domestic abuse for 16 years. This post and the majority of the comments highlight the ignorance most people have of the dynamics of domestic violence. First, telling a woman to leave her abusive relationship is just not good practice: 1) it almost NEVER works; and 2) it is the wrong response. Women (or men) in abusive relationships have many, many valid reasons for staying (love, children, resources, sex, companionship, “he’s not that way ALL of the time,” believing it will get better, just wanting the abuse to stop). Women (I’m just going to use women because they are by far the vast majority of victims) often have little power in abusive relationships and may try to exert it where they can- like in doing the opposite of what everyone else tells them they should. What we do in the field of DV (domestic violence) is to try to meet the victim where they are, reality checking (i.e. counteracting “He pushed me down but I provoked it by having another guy’s # on my phone;” “He only did it because he was drunk,’ “All couples ‘argue’.”etc.), and work with them on safety planning. Very few women will leave their partner after one act of violence. Or two, or three (And don’t be so sure that you, Gentle Reader, would be any different unless you have been in that situation yourself. There is a reason prosecutors don’t want many women on their DV juries: they all think that it could never be them sitting in that witness box.). If the woman wants to leave: great. If not, what can we do to make her safer in the relationship? What we do in the criminal justice field is to HOLD THE OFFENDER ACCOUNTABLE. The question is not “Why does she stay?” it is “Why does he abuse?” If Penelope was chasing the Farmer from room to room, he couldn’t have gotten into his car and gone for a drive or stayed in a motel for the night? If Penelope stood in front of the door, he couldn’t have called the police? His only remedy was to tower over her, shove her, push her, and slam her foot in the door? I tell the women I work with that even if your partner walks in on you banging his best friend, there is NEVER a justification for physical aggression. Conflict and anger is to be expected in any intimate relationship; violence is not. No one can be “provoked” into violence, it is always a choice (Even “self-defense” is a choice – a necessary one, perhaps, but still a choice. And a physical response to words, screaming, and name calling is just not commensurate.)
That said, just as there are different kinds of abuse, there are different kinds of abusers. There is the batterer who systematically uses power, violence, and threats in order to control his partner. There is also the abuser whose behavior is truly a one-time incident brought on by stress and / or chemical use. The bottom line is that some kind of intervention is always best practice. The abuser needs to understand that his violent behavior is never acceptable – at least in the eyes of society, if not the victim. Especially if the couple stays together, the abuser should enroll himself (or have the court do it for him) in an intensive DV program (and not diffuse “anger management,” unless he is using physical intimidation with the barber and bank teller too). Couple’s counseling is not even advised until the abuser has successfully completed the DV program. If the woman wants to get counseling on her own to deal with her own issues, fine (and there lots of great programs for women in these situations too that address the woman’s role in the relationship dynamic), but DV is not a “communication,” “relationship,” or “anger” problem – it is the choice to use physical or emotional violence and it is the responsibility of the abuser to manage. What actually concerned me most in Penelope’s post is that the Farmer would say – even in apologizing to her (which is actually no apology at all) – that whatever he did was her fault. This is in the top 5 on every list you will find detailing the “warning signs” of DV: every abuser blames his victim. Abusers cannot take responsibility for their choices until someone shows them how to. (And if she’s such a bitch, why doesn’t HE leave the relationship? Why keep punishing himself and the rest of them by staying with this tyrant?)
To be sure, women often have a different source of power in many abusive relationships: emotional power. Because women are generally socialized to be more in touch with the emotional aspect of relationships (intimate or otherwise), more in touch with the LANGUAGE of emotions, abusive men oftentimes find themselves feeling a power imbalance in emotionally charged situations and resort to the power they can exert: brutal insults, threats, and physical intimidation.
It is very hard to tell from Penelope’s post if any of these dynamics are at play. It clearly sounds like she and the Farmer both need individualized therapy and eventually couple’s therapy to address what each of them brings to the relationship separately (and then how these styles interact with each other) if they are to stay together. Both of them need to learn how to manage conflict: it is not that a couple argues that determines the success of the relationship, it is HOW they argue. If the Farmer realizes that he is not willing or capable of making concessions to Penelope’s emotional style/ shortcomings (due to Asperger’s or otherwise), then he has just as much an obligation to leave the unhealthy relationship as does Penelope if she realizes she cannot successfully manage conflict with the Farmer’s emotional style/ shortcomings (well . . . having the ultimate responsibility for the children at risk of witnessing further abuse, I would say she has more of the responsibility to leave). Both of the adults made terrible choices, the worst of which was to exhibit their violence – verbal, emotional, and physical- in front of the children. I sincerely hope the boys are given the opportunity to talk about what they saw, how it made them feel, and to be told, above all, that it was unacceptable, and not their fault.
Lastly, I want to congratulate and thank Penelope for sharing this story. DV casts a shadow of incredible shame over victims. It is this shame that often prevents them from getting help until it is too late. Commenters have at once condemned Penelope for airing the Farmer’s dirty laundry, and in the same breath told her to leave. How shameful a woman would feel if she didn’t follow that direction at this very moment.
If you or someone you know if suffering from intimate partner abuse, there is help: 1 – 800 – 799 – SAFE(7233) orTTY 1 – 800 – 787 – 3224
http://www.thehotline.org/
Penelope, this story scares me. I have Aspergers. I was a difficult child. I am now getting married and am unbelievably happy. But I don’t know how to deal with an Asperger child. But I want children. What to do??
I have Aspergers. I am married, and crazy happy. My eldest son has Aspergers. We’re having a fine time. We’ve coloured our life calm. It’s nice. You’ll be fine. It doesn’t have to look like Crazytown.
I don’t know if you have time to read all comments but I’ll take a chance because somehow your post made it through to me. I congratulate you for your honesty, I hope to be at least a little as brave as you are doing that with my blog too.
So just to say, I’ve known abuse from parents too. I know how we juggle with our desires to be loved and to be secure. Looking back I should have leave them sooner. I still love them and cultivate our relationships, I even forgive them, but I don’t forget. And when I’m facing a though time, I appreciate their support but put it in contrast with what happened. I have my own family and kids now and our rule is no violence. That’s were my support comes really nowadays.
I believe you are at a crossroad. You have to reframe as they say in social service (my specialty with sociology). You can try to work it out with your Farmer, but it seems there’s no love anymore in hurting someone. When you love someone, you do for their best, what you’d like they do unto you. So the best thing I would do is leave with your kids. Build a life on your own and resolve all your problems with help, a professionnal your respect and true friends. Set values and don’t let any come close to you if they don’t respect it. So far as your kids, I don’t know you personnally, but I know too that always being with them is a though job, I believe we do the best we can at the time so if you love them and offer them the best like it seems you do you’re automatically a good mom.
If you need someone to talk you can reach me via behappyanddowhatyoulove.com. Hang in there! Kind regards,
Marie-Eve
What are to writing about? That you wouldn’t pick a man that treated you similarly as your father????
That is EXACTLY the type of man you would be attracted to. That “feels right” and/or “animal attraction” feeling will only be for that type of man.
That is why parents must create stable happy families for their children to the extent of their power and talents.
The childhood trauma morphs into what one becomes attracted to later in life. A wise grown-up abused child will consciously choose healthy though boring situations and people. The exciting/ interesting choices are recipes for the replay of the childhood abuse.
I am a domestic violence/sexual assault prosecutor who also prosecutes child abuse and neglect. I am sickened that someone as intelligent as you and with as many resources as you have are allowing your precious children to be exposed to violence. Your selfishness is astounding. My heart breaks for you that you are once again being abused, but you are a mother, and if you don’t have the maturity and strength to put your children’s needs above your own messed-up cravings for the drama of a timultuous relationship, then you do not deserve to be their custodial parent.
I believe from the information on this blog that you live in Lafeyette County, Wisconsin. I will be contacting Lafeyette County’s CPS, and I urge anyone with specific information on where Ms. Trunk lives to do the same so that these children can get some much needed intervention.
LAFAYETTE COUNTY HUMAN SERVICES 627 Main Street, Box 206 Darlington, WI 53530
Office Hours: 608-776-4800 After Hours: 608-776-4848
FAX: 608-776-4914
http://dcf.wisconsin.gov/Children/CPS/ctyinfo/lafyt.HTM
You are a lovely woman. I can understand what you’re going through. I have my own small blog where I type up little things about my life, and sometimes I think, “Why am I writing this? No one wants to hear this silly word vomit. No one cares how I feel,” but I type up the posts and then I delete them so no one sees whatever pain I am feeling in that moment, but I mainly use the writing as therapy. It feels good, seeing the words march across the page and all the emotions pour out, public or not. Therefore, I cannot judge you. I hope you figure everything out.
Concentrate on the good things in your life only. Make an environment for yourself where you feel safe and secure. Provide for yourself by living on your own terms and according to your own values, and set yourself up for success by uncluttering your real or imaginary attachments. I found that removing other permanent love interests was a good first step, along with removing those that didn’t work, permanently, as well. I also found that concentrating on leading a ‘normal’ life (whatever that means is entirely up to each of us) helped greatly also. Kids respond amazingly to structure and routine, as well as having parents who are centered, understanding and listen. Keeping things as normal as possible – normal school, normal routines, normal everything – as YOU define it, not in compromised format, means they will be happy, and in turn you will feel like you’re accomplishing the amazing feat of growing real people. Then you won’t have to wonder if you’re a good parent. You will know. I know this.
You’re in the very enviable position of not having to put up with a situaiton that doesn’t work, city gal. Breathe deeply. Stare at your kids. A lot.
I am married to a wonderful woman who used to hound me endlessly to talk it out, and seemed to be always dissatisfied and justified. She pushed me figuratively until I pushed her literally. That’s the abbreviated version of the first 8 years. We separated, took apart the relationship, put it back together again, but different. She and I each come by it honestly (who doesn’t?) – parents with abandonment and abuse, each in their own way perpetuating it with their children.
I see in my own spouse and in myself a combination of genetics and upbringing. We have 1 separation, 3 marriage counselors, and almost 20 years under our belt. To modify our behavior, we’ve both modified our diets, seek help from friends and professionals, and I from time to time take medication, over the counter or prescription, as needed, for my own benefit. As we age might be a time when I ask my spouse to do that as well. I’ve noticed that older people tend to get inflexible and irritable, and I’m not sure that there’s merit to leaving that be.
I live in an area with a lot of old people, and also a lot of brilliant people on the Asperger – Autism spectrum. My close friends are people who, like myself, were parented by people
with serious issues. We’re all tenacious, bright, determined, and
unusually direct and unflinching, for women. One of my family members is an educator who coaches college students on the spectrum. I am known for working unusually well with people known for being inflexible, demanding, and brilliant.
I wouldn’t wish my background or upbringing on anyone. I do however value my tenacity, courage and creativity. I have seen the pain and frustration – and loneliness, and self-defeating aspects – of people who are so inflexible and exacting that it is nearly impossible for others to save them from themselves. I have tremendous empathy for the frustration and pain. And I have the humility of having learned from personal experience that desperate people take desperate measures.
You’re fighting the good fight. Asking the right questions. Noticing the things that count. Remember what you said in the post, My plan to stop second guessing myself: “when you do something you don’t really know how to do in a game
situation, you do it worse than you would do it if you were in a
practice situation.” Marriage can feel like it’s always game time. Even when you’re on the right path, it can take awhile before the moves feel fluid and have flawless follow through.
You mentioned that almost one million people have read this blog post. Millions of people need to know how to get through this, what it looks like, what it takes – how ugly it may look, how shitty it may feel, even what life is like in moments of disassociation, or incoherent rage, or the meltdown. Words that may be a bridge for those of us who love or work with people who have Alzheimer’s, or explosive rage disorder, or are on the spectrum, or working to create and root a new normal that will not be overshadowed by an abusive past.
You need to clear all your childhood issues by tapping on the chakras with Margaret Lynch. You can do teleclasses online, and you would hurt a lot less.
And I think you are a wonderful wonderful person. Really.
Dear Penelope,
I read this post and I’m blown away. You don’t deserve abuse. Nobody does. My late mother used to say, “I didn’t bring my kids in the world so that other people could make them suffer.”
It all begins with you realizing that you don’t deserve this. Once you realize that, the courage to leave will take hold. My mother was a domestic abuse survivor, and it was only the grace of God and a good judge threatening jail time that made my father straighten up his act. He still remained verbally abusive. I’m convinced he suffers from borderline personality disorder.
Please realize that you don’t deserve abuse and you don’t have to accept it. Your spouse should be your safe harbor from the world. A loving relationship should feel good and be respectful. You may not get what you deserve in this life, but you’ll absolutely get what you settle for.
If I stick WITH you, will you stick up FOR you?
I’ll be praying for you because it’s all I can do.
I agree with one of the commenters that it is time for you to research the hell out of abuse. I learned so many skills to improve my own parenting and relationship with my husband when I worked as a social worker in a military mental health clinic. The most powerful lesson I learned is that people can change and families can be held together even after violence (although not sexual). I learned to appreciate clinical social workers ability above psychologists to get their hands dirty in the grit of every day life. I recommend seeking help from professionals who are experienced with families with dynamics like yours. Look up Power and Control Wheels as a start. Books and therapy are useful but I found that watching clinical videos and role playing classes were the most powerful.
Being a social worker blew my mind. I probably learned faster because I had to absorb the material and turn around and teach it to others. Up until that point, my husband and I did not fight fair. He never laid a hand on me but once he did corner me and scream in my face and I was very scared. I used to do things like jump on the bed to try to keep him talking to me late in the night when he was trying to go to sleep. Once I sprayed a spray bottle of water in his face to get him to focus on me. These are just a few examples that I thought were harmless until I learned about emotional abuse. To try to make a long story short, I am so proud to say that in about a year, I was able to completly erradicate these behaviors in myself and my husband and I learned to fight fair. We also became better parents in the process. Our life is more chaotic than ever, (house is always a mess, daughter with medical conditions, contemplating homeschool, always trying to stay proffessionally viable while my career takes a backseat to active duty spouse, trying to rapidly figure out college for eldest son who I had when I was 16 and will graduate when he’s 17) but the thing I am absolutely most proud of in life is that my husband and I broke old family habits and live in an abuse-free home. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE, Penelope.
BTW, I absolutely adore you and what you write about.
“She says, of course, that I am a good mom. And of course, I do not
believe her. Someone raised by abusive parents never feels secure in
their parenting because they don’t understand what makes kids love
parents. So that's my weak spot. Even if I were a great parent, I'd
never believe it”
This passage resonated very deeply with me. Thank you for being able to articulate why I am regularly stumped, and even a little guilty-feeling when my children tell me that they love me.
“She says, of course, that I am a good mom. And of course, I do not
believe her. Someone raised by abusive parents never feels secure in
their parenting because they don’t understand what makes kids love
parents. So that's my weak spot. Even if I were a great parent, I'd
never believe it”
This passage resonated very deeply with me. Thank you for being able to articulate why I am regularly stumped, and even a little guilty-feeling when my children tell me that they love me.
I’ve only read this last post but have been in an abusive marriage with a woman whom I am sure is antisocial personality disorder. And she was very abusive emotionally and physically and mentally and spiritually. I’m sorry but the stuff I read sounds just like her. She would do these horrible things too me and our child and turn around and cry wolf and would play the victim after she beat the hell out of me. Later pressing false charges and paying nasty games. She is still abusive and in need of help. What I read doesn’t sound like AS it sounds like ASPD.
I am certain we must have the same father.
I keep thinking I am going to come back here and read all the comments. Then I realised that 400 different people had found 400 different ‘truths’ in your attempt not to be phoney and I thought that was quite a good enough conclusion. The important thing is that your husband has not taken this as a calumny, because even I don’t care particularly what 400 random strangers think. Well, it would be interesting. Any chance of a spreadsheet? some statistics? oh, I am imagining some kind of graphical cloud representation along two axes gauging different attitudes and the strength of feeling. Possibly, ‘should leave’ V ‘should work it out’ and maybe ‘abusive farmer’ V ‘abusive Penelope’. Life is definitely a learning curve. Thank you for putting yourself out there, we can all find our own truth in what other people write, but first it has to be written. Best wishes.
I am touched by your story as it has echos of my own, but from the point of view of a child with parents like this, and subsequently I am your husband…
My mum and dad fought since I can remember, there were times when as a kid I came downstairs in the morning and mum would have a black eye, or the video cupboard door would be kicked in, all explained away, all accidents.
I can tell you, hand on heart that until I hit my teens I believed all of it, never questioned what had happened and carried on regardless.
I don’t come from a broken home, my parents are still together (37 years going strong), I went to a good (private) school and my brother and I are both graduated (sorry) professionals. I have a two and a half year old son and live in the same town as my parents, my mum is my sons “other mother” during the week for childcare as I still work full time.
My parents still fight.
Here’s the tricky bit: the blame. My mother is awkward, really really awkward, she never listens, pushes buttons resorts to emotional blackmail can make you SOOO mad you want to punch something, she used to hit me as a child, smacking, hard (cold water shower when I was crying, broken wooden spoons on me). I don’t mind, still love her, still think she is fantastic with my boy. I have never seen her be angry with him, or my brother for that matter like she was with me.
My dad is emotionally prickly, he lost his own mum young to cancer, his father was a hard man, working class, told him every day how he would amount to nothing. Dad is a fighter. A good debater, great to talk to if you want good advice, and kind, kind to everyone (most of the time)
My dad is clever, he pushed and pushed to go to university, grtaduate, do post grad and fought and fouhgt to have a really good life now, retired early, lots of holidays. My mums only wish was to have a family, to stay at home and look after that family and make them perfect. She didn’t even finish high school.
I don’t think the outcome was ever going to be other than what everyone saw coming.
What do you do? They still go in circles, they are older now, I am older, the arguments are less frantic, less often, maybe twice a year, there is far less violence.
Now a new problem arises, I have hit my partner twice in anger, I push him out the door I scream, I can’t handle my own emotions (I am getting help) whenever we argue. Sometimes I worry I might not be able to handle my son either when he grows up.
No family is perfect, from the outside though we are, happy family, nice big family home, 2.4 kids, SAHM, big earning dad, well educated kids, eat dinner together every night (until I left home).
My son, beautiful, my job good, my partners even better. No one knows do they? unless you are as brutally honest about it as you are.
So, what have I learn’t. Pressure makes some of us weak, we can’t see past what is being done to us and so we lash out, I don’t know how to handle myself when I get cross, just want the other person to go away as so frustrated I want to hurt (myself) but that means hurt another sometimes.
It can be fixed for some, for others it can’t. No blame lies with one person, the situation is bad though and no one should have to live through such pain if they have options.
The next steps aren’t one size fits all, you have to do what you FEEL is right.
No advice here, just a story to tell you that you aren’t alone, there are people out here on both sides.
I am touched by your story as it has echos of my own, but from the point of view of a child with parents like this, and subsequently I am your husband…
My mum and dad fought since I can remember, there were times when as a kid I came downstairs in the morning and mum would have a black eye, or the video cupboard door would be kicked in, all explained away, all accidents.
I can tell you, hand on heart that until I hit my teens I believed all of it, never questioned what had happened and carried on regardless.
I don’t come from a broken home, my parents are still together (37 years going strong), I went to a good (private) school and my brother and I are both graduated (sorry) professionals. I have a two and a half year old son and live in the same town as my parents, my mum is my sons “other mother” during the week for childcare as I still work full time.
My parents still fight.
Here’s the tricky bit: the blame. My mother is awkward, really really awkward, she never listens, pushes buttons resorts to emotional blackmail can make you SOOO mad you want to punch something, she used to hit me as a child, smacking, hard (cold water shower when I was crying, broken wooden spoons on me). I don’t mind, still love her, still think she is fantastic with my boy. I have never seen her be angry with him, or my brother for that matter like she was with me.
My dad is emotionally prickly, he lost his own mum young to cancer, his father was a hard man, working class, told him every day how he would amount to nothing. Dad is a fighter. A good debater, great to talk to if you want good advice, and kind, kind to everyone (most of the time)
My dad is clever, he pushed and pushed to go to university, grtaduate, do post grad and fought and fouhgt to have a really good life now, retired early, lots of holidays. My mums only wish was to have a family, to stay at home and look after that family and make them perfect. She didn’t even finish high school.
I don’t think the outcome was ever going to be other than what everyone saw coming.
What do you do? They still go in circles, they are older now, I am older, the arguments are less frantic, less often, maybe twice a year, there is far less violence.
Now a new problem arises, I have hit my partner twice in anger, I push him out the door I scream, I can’t handle my own emotions (I am getting help) whenever we argue. Sometimes I worry I might not be able to handle my son either when he grows up.
No family is perfect, from the outside though we are, happy family, nice big family home, 2.4 kids, SAHM, big earning dad, well educated kids, eat dinner together every night (until I left home).
My son, beautiful, my job good, my partners even better. No one knows do they? unless you are as brutally honest about it as you are.
So, what have I learn’t. Pressure makes some of us weak, we can’t see past what is being done to us and so we lash out, I don’t know how to handle myself when I get cross, just want the other person to go away as so frustrated I want to hurt (myself) but that means hurt another sometimes.
It can be fixed for some, for others it can’t. No blame lies with one person, the situation is bad though and no one should have to live through such pain if they have options.
The next steps aren’t one size fits all, you have to do what you FEEL is right.
No advice here, just a story to tell you that you aren’t alone, there are people out here on both sides.
Infuriating. How does a modern day American woman not recognize patterns of abuse in her life, you know here in the third world where Im in , we tell women not to tolerate violence no matter what religion or culture says. We may not be winning but we are aware of what not to put up with.
At the dinner table, did you notice what was common among the 3 men (besides having turbulent relationships with you), surely you must have noticed some trait. I am saying this because it might help you understand a little bit more.
You mentioned somewhere about the women leaving shelter homes after 8 attempts. So how many attempts did they make before leaving their own abusive homes. Thats a bigger question.
The tragedy is that children or people who experience abuse are likely to experience it over & over again in their course of life. Its not because they are prone to it, its because they dont recognize it as abuse. They see it as a way of life, that something they had coming or that they are being strong.
It is so important to have one decent strong male role model in your life. From our mothers we learn affection, but self esteem, trust, confidence, ambition come from fathers. And oh how they disappoint us.
The only question for you really is: do your kids have a decent male role model in their lives? If yes, then they don’t really need to see their mother being pushed around. A 6 yr old will not forget that incident ever. If the answer is no, then you need to stop hoping that any of the 3 men will somehow become one.
You probably are emotionally abusive. The best way of dealing with emotionally abusive is to cut them out of your life. Your kids are going to figure this out eventually when they grow up. Its not like a person is emotionally abusive to some people only. So really work it now, it shouldn’t be too hard, you are a self- improvement guru.
The Farmer is a moron of the highest order. He can pray all he want but he’s gonna rot in hell. And he’s not your legal husband.
Infuriating. How does a modern day American woman not recognize patterns of abuse in her life, you know here in the third world where Im in , we tell women not to tolerate violence no matter what religion or culture says. We may not be winning but we are aware of what not to put up with.
At the dinner table, did you notice what was common among the 3 men (besides having turbulent relationships with you), surely you must have noticed some trait. I am saying this because it might help you understand a little bit more.
You mentioned somewhere about the women leaving shelter homes after 8 attempts. So how many attempts did they make before leaving their own abusive homes. Thats a bigger question.
The tragedy is that children or people who experience abuse are likely to experience it over & over again in their course of life. Its not because they are prone to it, its because they dont recognize it as abuse. They see it as a way of life, that something they had coming or that they are being strong.
It is so important to have one decent strong male role model in your life. From our mothers we learn affection, but self esteem, trust, confidence, ambition come from fathers. And oh how they disappoint us.
The only question for you really is: do your kids have a decent male role model in their lives? If yes, then they don’t really need to see their mother being pushed around. A 6 yr old will not forget that incident ever. If the answer is no, then you need to stop hoping that any of the 3 men will somehow become one.
You probably are emotionally abusive. The best way of dealing with emotionally abusive is to cut them out of your life. Your kids are going to figure this out eventually when they grow up. Its not like a person is emotionally abusive to some people only. So really work it now, it shouldn’t be too hard, you are a self- improvement guru.
The Farmer is a moron of the highest order. He can pray all he want but he’s gonna rot in hell. And he’s not your legal husband.
I have a bracelet that I had made. It says “there are no victims, only volunteers”. Think about it.
Patricia Evans’ book ‘Controlling People’ gives a surprising insight into abuse. For help, it needs a wise therapist, and a recognition that something is very wrong. My theory (you can make what you will of it): it’s possible that some people who abuse have a certain type of brain difference, or dysfunction if you prefer. Thus abuse is less to do with temper, or ‘being pushed to breaking point’, an excuse that is often made – but a distinct issue with their own personality. Moreover, it may be unrelated to learned behaviour, early experiences or anything of that nature, but something that is present from day one. It shows itself in a wish to control and change other people within a close relationship, in a way which gradually increases over the timespan of the relationship.Perhaps people with/around AS understand people with that kind of personality? So they tend to be drawn to each other, and indeed to fire off each other. It’s certainly something I’ve witnessed. Though that’s no more than an anecdote, and I have no research evidence for you.Regardless of all this, please take care of yourself and your children. I’m not trying to apportion blame but to say there may be an unrecognised problem here, and it is not all your fault – or your job to fix it.
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} from Oklahoma
My sister told me to read this blog because she was stunned and knew I would be. I started reading all the comments, then realized I didn’t have time to read all of them.I think there were some interesting points brought up, not that I agreed with all. But enough of that. I want to say to you Penelope: Get out. You must leave this situation. Your children must not see anymore abusive behavior.It is fear that is holding you back. I believe that every decision we make is either based on love or fear. You have a lot of both going on. But the love for yourself and your family has to guide you on this one. Do not let fear hold you back. You are strong enough to take care of this. Take the first action toward leaving, and then the next action, and the next. Don’t worry about what will happen later. Take care of right now. Right now you need to protect yourself and show your children how to take care of unhappy things that happen in life. This is not the way to live a happy life. You deserve, as do your children, a happy life.
Hi Penelope,
Well you are my teacher and inspiration. I used to work and slog in a company, I read your blog posts about start ups and started my own company http://www.right-click.in. Your blog posts are my daily mind exercises which help me through my life. You are the reason somewhere my life has changed. Your blog has been instrumental in changing my career. Penelope i am proud of what u have done and achieved. I have high regards for you and that will always be there. Don’t worry you will pass through this phase also. Rise up and show us how can a person get up from the worst situations. I will be waiting for your next blog post which will inspire me how you changed the situation.
You keep saying you talk too much and you were the one who had to go to a neurologist and a shrink when you were a kid. What does that have to do with your husband beating you up? Because he will – this is the beginning. Wow. not even an apology? Not even attempting to fake that he’s sorry? Usually wife beaters say sorry the first time – maybe even twice. I should know – been there. Penelope, GET OUT. People are telling you that because it WONT GET ANY BETTER. It will get worse – never mind that your sons are watching this and learning how to treat their future gfs and wives. The farmer is a loser.
I didn’t realize you had these experiences when I sought you out for career advice.
Wow….last time I really caught up with your blog you were just getting married. Why did I think then that the writing was on the wall and something like this would happen? You were ambivalent about the marriage and so was he…for good reason apparently. I wish you the best
Penelope – I’m new to your world, I think I came to see you for the first time yesterday?
Some people were dishing you because you chose to stay with your abuser rather than abruptly leave.
From an INTJ point of view, or a Jacqueline point of view – both mine, I see it as a learning experience for all, you and your readers.
It kind of feels like everyone who posts on your blog, is working out issues of love, pain, joy, order, chaos, violence, non violence, etc – It’s just we get to work at it from your prompts, a way to share, a way to become a mother to the world.
The other day a man said to me in a vile sort of way “You’re not the mother of the world” – his tone was discerning, not recognizing the nurturing sense a mother ought to have toward her children or any child. Some mothers don’t have that nurturing side, it’s not guaranteed in a woman’s genes that she will be nurturing just because she is a woman. I’m rambling.
Back to my point, you’re very brave. You share all that you have to share and open yourself to others opinions. I suspect that you are like a duck letting water role off your back with some of the ugly comments.
We are a reflection of those we engage with the majority of the time. When we reflect back what others are giving to us, sometimes it’s ugly and painful, and sometimes it’s sweet.
May the sweet that you find in the reflections of yourself from others keep your beauty enhanced and the imperfections of ourselves and others at bay enough for you to live through them and on to another sweet moment.
Jacqueline
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through these things.
I too recently shared my experience with domestic violence on my blog. I made the decision to leave after the first time, but that was a personal decision. For me it was the right choice, it has been 5 years now and I am happy to say that I am now married to the love of my life.
Kendall
http://sexandthesuburb.com/walking-away-from-domestic-violence/
All I can think, as I read this, is about another one of your blogs where you said something to the effect of how we don’t serve ourselves well by viewing ourselves as different. Would you ever tell a friend that it was ok for someone to hit her, not to leave? But you’re “different?”
Do you meditate?