How to look like things are great
Look at this picture. I love this picture. I am carefree, pulled together, and a little bit like a farmer but not too much.
I keep thinking I want to put this picture online. And then I think, I can't. I'm too sad. I need a picture of me moping.
This feeling reminds me of when I was younger, it was very hard for me to get a job, and also hard for me to keep one. I was job hunting all the time.
Job hunting is an insane way to live. You are a depressed, scared, unemployed person and the key to getting out of it is to make yourself into a happy, confident, go-getter.
When I was job hunting, I had tricks for giving myself confidence. I'd try to schedule interviews in the late morning. This would give me time to get my spririts up, but it would not require me holding them up for too long — for say, an end-of-the-day interview.
Other stuff I would do that works:
Go to the gym. The emotional boost you get from the gym can last a few hours if you work out hard enough. When I'm at the gym to change my mood, I do intervals.
Shower and put on makeup right away so that I know the day is serious and there's no crying.
Don't eat. If you don't eat, you are happier. This is not true for people who are starving and dragging themselves across the desert in search of a refugee camp. You know that. But you might not have known that being hungry helps you focus and connect with other people. It's probably a survival instinct. If you don't have berries you have to get someone in the group to give you berries. (Which, come to think of it, is not far from the workplace interview situation.)
I am trying to remind myself that I am great at turning things around. Every time I thought my life was hopeless and I'd never get a job and I'd never be happy again, I’d always get a job. Eventually. And things would turn around. At least for a little.
Today, when work isn't going well, I have this magic place I can go in my head where I just trust that things will work out. I will figure out a better way to make money, I will find someone I want as a business partner. People will forget that I did something stupid. These are things I tell myself.
The most powerful career tool I have is faith in myself. It allows me to move through ups and downs with the grace I did not have when I was younger.
But I don't have that with my personal life. You know that feeling you have that you are going to die if you don't get a job? That's what I have almost every day living with the Farmer.
Some days are good. And I try to write about those days. I want to show you the same optimism with my personal life that I have with my career.
But I actually feel hopeless. I have that feeling I used to have when I was unemployed. Like I wished the world would end. I think I am not alone — other people have this feeling when they are unemployed. But people do not talk like this when they are unemployed because they'll never get hired.
I know that if I don’t do anything to make a change, then nothing will change. So today I decide that we should talk. He is in the field. Baling hay.
So I walk out there, a few feet onto the field, which is the universal signal on a farm for “I want to talk to you when you come around to this side of the field.”
The Farmer gets out of the tractor to talk with me. But after a couple of minutes he realizes he doesn't want to talk with me. (We have this problem a lot.) So he walks away, gets back on the tractor and starts to drive off.
I walk in front of the tractor so he will stop and talk to me. He drives it into me, so I jump on top of the front. He keeps driving. It is very hard for me to keep from falling off.
I am screaming, “Stop driving!” and he is ignoring me.
I think that's the picture of our relationship, right there. I want to talk, he doesn't, so we do terrible stuff together. I put myself in danger, and he goes along with it by saying that I'm crazy.
We repeat this cycle over and over again. (Here’s another example.) And the people who are suffering the most are the kids. They did not see the field today. But I’m not kidding myself: There is no way we are hiding the larger problem from them.
It's insane that I just opened up a huge discussion about homeschooling when I don't feel like this is the right home for the kids. It's insane that I'm starting a company when I know the company will take time away from my marriage when marriage is already sucking.
I feel insane right now. The only thing that grounds me is my ability to earn money. I know I can do fun, meaningful things in my career, and even though I’m not great at money management, I can support my kids.
The person I want to be is the person who believes in the strength of my family no matter what confronts us. I want to feel, in my heart, that things will be fine, and then it’ll show in my face all the time. But I am only that way about my career. I wish the skills were transferable, but I don't think they are.
You remind me so much of my mother. She always said I was the best little boy in the world, and that I never gave her any trouble. Know why? I was scared to death of her craziness and the day after I turned 18, I left that house and went to Viet Nam where it was at least emotionally safer. I didn’t return for 16 years. Which of your boys will be first? I still, after 66 years, can hardly bear to spend more than 3 or 4 days in her presence. You can still fix it, maybe.
A lot of times people ask me how I can handle nasty comments on my blog. The reason is that the nasty ones are easy to ignore because they are just mean. The ones that hit hard but are true – those are the ones that stay with me for weeks. This comment. I think it’s true. I think I have to be more calm with my kids or I’m going to mess them up.
When I think about why I can’t have a big career and be a great mom at the same time, the reason is this: I am not able to focus enough on being calm with kids while I”m focused enough on my job to make it huge. I worry about this.
Thank you for the comment.
Penelope
That was a brave reply, Penelope. Keep Going!
Also, why a ‘big’ career and a ‘great’ mom? Why not simply, ‘career’ and ‘mom’?
Who are you really trying to please with these aims to succeed superlatively in all possible fields of life?
Just ‘work’ and ‘be a mom’. That’s plenty right there!
Are you worried about disappointing your peers, or your audience here? Don’t be.
We have our own problems.
First thing that comes to my mind is Prosac. You really need to dial it down. You want to talk in the middle of his work day. He not down with that. Deal with it. Get a life…grow up…things will go better for you.
The only way to interrupt a guy when he’s doing important stuff is if the interruption involves an offer of sex.
However: if it’s REALLY important stuff, don’t be hurt if he turns you down anyway. Consider that a “learning opportunity,” because believe it or not, some things are more important than your need to converse.
Reasons guys will quit doing important stuff:
1. Sex
2. Major catastrophe (eg. child needs to get to hospital)
3. Looming major catastrophe (eg. tornado approaching)
…
100. “We need to talk.”
And the length/quality of the relationship may push “Sex” from #1 to… you don’t wanna know.
The writer of this article sounds seriously mentally ill. If if i was your husband i’d leave you. who wants to deal with a crazy bitch?
The thing that’s not right is you and your unrealistic expectations of this male.
He’s not there to talk with you–he’s there to work, which is what he’s doing.
You need to get beyond your twelve year old’s fantasies and build the incredible life with the guy that’s available. Try less thinking and talking and more doing–meals, clean clothes, welcoming bed. He’ll start talking to you.
Start reading PioneerWoman’s blog to get the picture.
Just an observation: you make it sound like you lack commitment to your relationship.
Good, lasting relationships don’t “just happen.” They require continual effort and work as they are not stagnant.
Suggestion: commitment as much effort and hard work to your relationship as you make to your career.
You are unhappy. And farmer cannot make you happpy even if he were to give in to your every desire. And he cannot – nobody can. Time to realize that the key to happiness is within yourself, but, paradoxically, only if you direct your attention away from yourself.
I drove my wife and children away from me by concentrating on my unhappiness and demanding that they accomodate me. I believed that all of our problems stemmed from their selfishness, not mine. In time I made them as crazy as I was and the family shattered like glass.
Since then, I’ve learned. The key to happiness is thinking about others and their needs at least as often thinking about my own. The kids and I have patched things up, but the wife isn’t ever going to return. I wish now I had lost every argument that I had ever “won” with her.
I think you’re right. I need to make myself happy. I only think this four days after the fight. But I’m making progress, right? And I think you’re right that being right doesn’t matter. Being close does. This is hard for me. Your comment (like so many in this string) is good and helpful. Thank you.
Penelope
Some people need to be around other folks to feel happy. When they have fewer than 10 different people who they can talk to in one week, they feel lonely and isolated. That might be you.
It does NOT mean that there is anything abnormal or wrong about you. But some people are fine spending their time with four or fewer people, and others aren’t. And when someone is unemployed, when their social circle (co-workers and customers) shrinks down to neighbors, family, and incidental contacts (people you pass on the street or only occasionally meet), the loneliness can make everything else worse.
I don’t know if you have time for daytrips with friends or family. Going fishing, going on a picnic, seeing a movie together, going shopping together for groceries, going to church or temple — any of these things can help to alleviate loneliness.
I wish you the best of luck both with feeling better and with finding a job. There’s nothing wrong with you, as far as I can tell. You’re going through a rough patch, and the stressors in your live are compounding to make things feel even harder. Take time to breathe, to talk, to remind yourself that this too will pass, and things will get better.
I think you should: reread Little Women, listen to Denis Prager, stop discussing your husband on the internet.
Don’t ever forget the fools in Congress who have diverted American into this chasm, simply to improve their re-election chances.
Much suffering lies ahead, alas.
Married to the wrong person? NO! You ARE the wrong person. Change yourself sweetie — you are the only person you can control. Having been unemployed for long periods myself, with 2 children to support and NO husband, I know how it feels too. But jumping in front of a tractor has nothing to do with finding a job or being depressed about it. It has everything to do with wanting to CONTROL him. Control yourself, honey. Self aware? no, Self centered Drama Queen.
How can you be labeled as “the world’s most influential guidance counselor” when you are so screwed up mentally & emotionally?
Did the Farmer actually try to run over you? I know that’s what you perceived but in your current state I doubt that your perceptions are valid. What does he think happened? Maybe you ran in front of the tractor when he was looking back at the rake/baler? Maybe you just made all this up? Another career – fiction writer?
I honestly thing that ‘talking about The Relationship’ is for the birds. If you need to talk, then talk about what groceries to buy, how to pay for them and what school the kids should go to and so on.
THAT–the living of life–is the real relationship, and will do more to boost your spirits than all the “I FEEL this and NEED you to understand what I FEEL” talk you could ever muster. That well is endless and leads no where. Save that stuff for the blog and maybe a book or something.
If you want to work so bad, eat a big farmer breakfast and then get out in the field and ask The Farmer how you can help. There are probably some ways your own work background could help his business, aren’t there?
You have too much empty time on your hands and your mind is still looking for danger as though you were naked and alone in the jungle. A glance at your ‘Other Writing’ link shows that this behaviour is not new for you. Seeing a professional (psychiatrist, NOT a counselor) would likely do you a world of good. Clearly and understandably that’s not what you want to hear. You’re really smart and successful and credentialed and educated and want to ‘figure this out’.
And yet there you are, walking in front of a moving tractor!
Either write about your demons and make money from them, or exercise them with medication. They are your responsibility and no one else’s.
Best of luck to you and yours!
Penelope —
You remind me of my wife — she is crazy too. And the farmer, he is more docile than me, but I bet he feels the way about you as I do for my wife… I am out of my mind crazy in love with her. I function best in chaos, and she is chaos personified. She says crazy things, she believes things that just aren’t true, makes up words, but she doesn’t take my crap. (And I am a pro at dishing it out…) She makes me so angry sometimes I want to scream , and sometimes I just do… but, every minute, I love that woman more than anything else in the world. I see her smile and it makes everything crystal clear. (I bet the farmer likes that picture too…)
The Farmer and I are a few of the rare men who just love crazy. He loves you and doesn’t have a clue how to make things “normal” with you, but the truth is, he isn’t looking for normal… if he was, he wouldn’t have married you. He is looking for you. Yes, sometimes he gets frustrated, and occasionally, he wishes you were dead, but through it all.. I just know – he loves you… and you really make him happy. Even when you are driving him crazy.
So – cut him some slack. Don’t expect everything, or anything for that matter, to be normal, calm, and easy. It’s like a roller coaster – enjoy the freakin’ ride!!! Sometimes he is running you over with a tractor and sometimes he is filling your heart to overflowing… all the time he is loving you the best he knows how.
Just love him back. Give him sex even when you don’t want to. (I snuck that in.. but it is very important… every 3 days at least) Give him some space to be who he is. You married him too, you know… You guys started with good intentions – stick with it.
My wife and I will be celebrating 26 years of marriage this month… if she read this she would laugh, get mad, and say something completely crazy within a few minutes… and as much as I know that, it would still surprise me. So I’ll say something that will make her laugh, grab her ass, and see if I can get some before she realizes how manipulative I am.
Thats what I think. When I get home, I’m gonna show her this response just to see if I’m right.. Have an awesome day!
Oh wow this is the most engaging string of comments i have ever witnessed in my life.
just goes to show how everyone is totally clueless when it comes to keeping a marriage and keeping the family intact.
it’s hard work indeed. but at the end of the day, when the dust has settled, even if i would like to walk out and never come back to my home, i think about my kids and how much they deserve a happy home even at the expense of my sanity. then i begin to cultivate patience and forgiveness and optimism and try to make an effort to make things work in spite of myself and my wants and needs.
After more than a decade, my family is still intact, i’m calmer and stronger. i don’t have the urge to prove anything to anybody. it still is a struggle sometimes but i have learned how to cope and trust that things will be OK. and i still believe my children deserve a loving family and it is my responsibility not to give them anything less.
oh and there is a li’l drama queen inside of me but i’ve learned to tame it over the years ;)
My hubs and I repeat cycles too. There’s some change, but it’s slow and subtle. And I know what you mean, not wanting it to affect the kids, but being unable to hold it in check all the time.
But the skill of having faith is transferable, just more difficult to apply in the marriage context than the job context. The job is just a “me” issue. Marriage adds a spouse into the mix, and they’re so intractable.
I find it easier to view marriage as, first and foremost, a business contract. It gets divided in court, just like business ventures, after all. The only thing is, this contract involves “til death do you part,” which is pretty daunting.
So I’ve noticed the Big Problems that arise generally do because I want to renegotiate an important term of the contract, and Hubs is not so keen. Then I start making noise, being difficult, and basically trying to make it more desirable for him to change than to stay the same. And the cycle goes on.
Since you are good with career and job finding stuff, maybe it would help to look at it like a business contract. You are very good a negotiating your way into an employment contract. But your marriage contract negotiation tactics are not working. They need to change.
You hanging on the tractor sounds like you are trying to do the impossible: force him to change.
They get all ticked off when you do that. If something Must Change Right This Minute, focus on something in yourself–but for yourself, not to please him.
I don’t read your blog regular so I don’t know what’s up with your kids and school issues. But if you are too stressed maybe now’s not the time for homeschooling. Give yourself a break and send ’em to school.
hoping for the best for ya
This too will pass…it’s life, big and bold. If you feel crazy, breath/run/stretch, do whatever makes you feel better.
You only have one life, is this how you want to spend it?
I think the Farmer is a saint for putting up with you. Of course patience and the ability to roll with the punches are requirements for the job of farmer.
Farmer kept driving? He has had just about as much of you as he can take.
You MADE him talk to you for two hours? Wow, way to ensure major resentment.
Oh, and you are apparently coming between him and his parents and siblings.
If you care about this guy, leave him while he is still young enough to find someone that isn’t intent on ruining his life. Someone that actually respects him.
totally agree. That is called “crazy making behaviour” and it’s not his problem but hers.
“I have that feeling I used to have when I was unemployed. Like I wished the world would end.”
I asked God for a job. She produced a job named after a heroine who broke my heart, 3 miles from her job, & with passwords named after her title. I never asked God for employment again & never felt bad about unemployment again.
Yiu’re not married. You don’t have any real income and you’re dependent on someone else.
Eva – that is the dumbest thing I have read in a while.. do you even have a clue about what marriage is?
Eva means she’s literally not married. She isn’t. Not only has there not been any weddding post, but I believe previous posts have mentioned the whole “not actually married” phenomenon.
Oops, I take it back. I like to be correct about these things so I double checked with a search and she DID get married.
Only in some weird way to avoid the problems that come from tax evasion. Which is nothing if not uniquely P. Trunk’s style. So she is not legally married in the generally accepted way, but who cares. She thinks she is married therefore she is married.
Eva might be right about income, though. There seem to be more and more ads on the site and now we’re getting sponsored blog posts as well. Seems a little desperate.
@ Eva and Valerie:
Who died and left you in charge of background checks, credential checks and vetting?
If you don’t trust Penelope’s basic premise–advice on the intersection of life and work–then you don’t. Why stay on-board?
Sniping is not a professional response here, IMHO. You seem to be taking advantage of someones candor and willingness to be honestly vulnerable.
I don’t think it’s healthy for you to have blog comments from people thanking you for your honesty and telling you it’s ok. You’re really not ok.
He is working. Take responsibility for *your* crazy. Ruminate, get some exercise, write, whatever – but leave the man alone until it’s also a good time for him to talk. Your narcissism is shocking.
Your kids don’t benefit from all of their friends’ parents knowing about your marital problems. You’re exploiting them by exposing yourself.
I also don’t buy your nonsense about how many companies you’ve founded, how you’re a dream to VCs. I know that world. You’re a mess and the quality of management is the top criteria used to assess investment opportunities. Keep raising goats, keep giving career advice – that’s fine – but don’t tell us you’re ‘great at social media’. Yeah sure. Maybe in 1996 but today, you’re sprinting to catch up with the slowest runners in the race.
Time to grow up Penelope.
thanks entry
Where do you work out? Are there any gyms near you or do you have exercise equipment at home? Distance to a work out location is an issue for many people. Is that an issue you have living on the farm?
New to your blog, this was the first post I read. Then I read the post about how you have to tell the world everything, and I understand, or think I do kinda sorta in a way because I really can’t relate to how you grew up but reading about it knocked my socks off.
Now I’m stuck between feeling compelled to read more, and wondering why, since I’m usually bored by people I diagnose as narcissists. You might be and you might not be, but you’re certainly interesting, and most aren’t.
Eat. Don’t bug the farmer when he’s working. Find someone besides the farmer to talk to when you need to talk. Men are generally shitty about that anyway, unless they want to get into your pants. Your need to talk doesn’t match his need to listen, and never will. Get a therapist if you need one.
I’ve been with the same guy for 24 years. I love him most of the time, I like him much of the time (now that is – there have been times when I haven’t even liked him much of the time) but I respect him almost all of the time, even when I don’t like him or love him. I can’t imagine living with anyone that I would love more or more often, and I am fiercely loyal to him, even when I’m angry (which is an awful lot these menopausal years).
If you think your life sucks, maybe it does. So what. Life does sometimes. Just make sure you’re not suffering from comparing the perfect dream life to the one you have, because it will never measure up. Compare it to the best one you might have alone, instead. Nobody can make you happy if you aren’t already. Maybe a better measure is whether or not someone is making you miserable.
The farmer doesn’t sound like that sort of guy. He actually sounds almost perfect. Do you really want someone who stops working because you need to talk?
Really? Maybe she doesn’t need a guy who stops working because she needs to talk. She DOES, however, need a guy who won’t run her over with a TRACTOR because she needs to talk.
He doesn’t sound almost perfect. He sounds abusive. You sound like someone who spent the past 24 years rationalizing to yourself that communication in relationships is unnecessary. You suggest paying a therapist if you need to talk to someone. Yeah that sounds a recipe for a happy relationship with your significant other.
I was always thinking,if prince charles is just an http://lanlinweddingdresses.blogspot.com fashion dresses , would 19 years old Diana marry him before kowning he has lover. Recently one of her tapes was opened to the public, she said the wedding day was the http://fashionupup.wordpress.com/2011/07/06/the-label-responsible-for-the-navy-dress-worn-by-kate black dresses in her life—-"My heart was as quiet as death, I feet as a lamp waiting to be killed."
bravo to you for keeping it real! this is most definitely life; it’s got ups and downs which make us all act more or less crazy from time to time and our relationships do the same. The key is to keep refining ourselves whether for jobs, people and/or life and find a way to get ourselves back to the middle. As someone who is currently unemployed and in a relationship I am struggling with; I keep finding that the more I just focus on bettering myself the better off I am. One thing at a time is what’s working (and some degree of letting go) and then just working on the things which will most benefit me the most – which is finding good work. If I spend too much time trying to talk about needed change, problems, issues, my feelings to my partner then I just get too distracted and depressed to really focus on doing good for me much less finding good quality work. I really do like your tips about how to look things are great – because essentially it does boil down to being able to activate the positives and utilize them for as long as we can (a real challenge I know all too well) but we are only human and sometimes we do have to take breaks from happiness too really absorb our realities – it’s the only way through!
nice blog , i will visited it again , please share our blog North face Mens Apex Bionic Jack
Always follow your heart. It is the only reliable voice.
~a divorced mom who may or may not have been there
Hey, Pen, Reading this post makes me sad. Relationships needn’t be this hard.
Maybe I’m not one to talk, being in marriage #3. This one works, thanks to my greater age, maturity, and especially thanks to wife #3 (and her Mom, who lives with us and is amazing!)
First off, I agree with Courtney: this doen’t belong on your blog IMHO.
Second, marriage is in large measure a business relationship, with time off for romance. Not a romance with time off for business. Wife #3 and I have been married more than 15 years and have raised a son. We all (son, wife, Len, Mom-In Law) live in great peace. Wife and I have a marriage meeting every single sunday, no exceptions, to go over the previous week and plan the next one. Everything that is working gets noted, everything that needs attention gets it. We share our individual and marital goals and support each other and arrange specific things to do to make that support real. That way we do not have to interrupt each other during the week with any requests or demands that have not already been laid out, confident that at the end of the week everything will get the attention it needs in a constructive spirit.
The farmer is a guy, and this sort of ‘rational’ approach seems to appeal to them. Maybe he’d like to try it out.
Hang in there Penelope! Sounds like your life is pretty dark right now. If it helps, your willingness to risk and speak with painful honesty about what is going on in your life is probably helping a lot of people whose lives are also not going well.
I think the fact is that most people’s lives are going poorly most of the time. This was true for the adults I used to judge as a kid and wonder why they couldn’t get their stuff together and ironically, it is true for me as I commit the very mistakes my parents did and I swore I never would repeat.
As Shakespeare said “All the worlds a stage and we are all actors.” Problem is we are all playing the part of the “perfect” individual who has everything together. I wish we could all just be more honest with each other. Your blog is a great starting point.
I love reading your blog and I also love the (apparent) number of asperger followers who leave the random comments, questions and get to the heart of the matter about your work outs. You wrote this a while ago, so I’m hoping you’ve found what you’re looking for today.
There is one constant that I take away from every dialogue I have with you, whether it was the career coaching (which BTW REALLY helped me) or the other random topics we’ve discussed via email, so hear this, listen to this, KNOW this, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR. You can and will overcome anything.
Your article is rocking and knowledgeable… I actually appreciate the way in which you compose .
I would prefer to study much more from you.
north face sale
north face outerwear
North Face Men’s Denali Jackets
north face jackets outlet
*hugs* I know the feeling. Everything will be okay; nothing lasts forever. :D <3
Thank you for this. It helps to know I’m not alone. I’ve always been good at “work” and sucky at relationships. I’ve never depended on anyone to support me, except my parents when I was a kid and now, for the first time, my boyfriend, because I don’t have work. He is good, steady and loving, and willing to foot all the bills until I’ve found my financial feet again. And I went psycho on him this week in a way that left us both totally bewildered. (And yes, it included me trying to initiate a ‘talk’ and him not responding the way I wanted him to.) They say that true character is revealed during times of stress. If that was my real character, I need serious help. But really… these things keep us in check. Humility and humor will keep us going. I am not always right, as much as I’d like to think so. I know that I am full of fear, and when I start to feel vulnerable, I push people away. I need to get my life back on track; only then will it be worth sharing. With you in solidarity.
ControlFreak, you sound just like me, just about down to the stress/fear-induced freakout on the man (sans “the talk”) – lots of career/life-related stress. Well, not one incident but a string of things. Unfortunately, mine started taking place early in our relationship so that took care of that. I guess up to a certain point they’re considered “red flags” and after that point they’re considered “areas where your SO needs support.” Nothing abusive or violent, just small geysers. I started stressing out in the early, “red flag” part, and…buh-bye. The upshot is that I was diagnosed with ADHD recently, and do much better on meds (Adderall). Catch-22 – the whole situation was a “rock bottom” thing for me, leading me eventually to get help and the diagnosis, itself leading to a calmer and more, um, even, disposition and cleaner kitchen! I don’t blame him since we hadn’t yet spent a lot of time together, being across Ponds, and people don’t automatically think “ADHD” in an adult female.
Perhaps this is a selfish comment but I find your honesty refreshing. I cannot tell you how many blogs I have read where people pretend to be perfect and successful. I can tell you are a very strong and wise woman. Thank you for what you have written.
you are SO not a farmer if you think interrupting hay-baling work to “talk” is going to turn out with the worker being receptive and open to your words. This kind of needy obliviousness to the way a farm works is a pretty good sign you need to learn about farming or get the hell out of the way of those that do know what they are doing.