Bill Zeller, Congresswoman Giffords, and mental health
Two things really rocked me today. One is the suicide letter from Bill Zeller. The other is the shooting in Arizona.
First, Bill Zeller. I am not going to reprint the suicide letter here. He killed himself, and he left a 4000 —line note. He asked that people do not reprint excerpts, but he would like a wide range of people to read the letter. So, here is a link to the letter in full. I really recommend reading it.
Zeller wrote a lucid account of what happens to one's insides after sexual abuse. It's the best account I've ever read, actually. And, having my own history of sexual abuse , I can say that his feelings are very familiar to me.
Though I know the feelings are not normal, what I'm telling you is that there are a lot of people walking around with feelings like Zeller. I'm sure of it. One reason I know is that I just read research that the more children a woman has, the less likely she is to kill herself. Which means that people who kill themselves think they are not worthwhile and are not doing anything good for the world. And I completely understand that.
This is why I want to write. Because I've been in therapy for 35 years. Some days suicide seems so obviously the right choice that it's amazing to me that more people don't do it. I don't really understand why more people don't do it.
I read Zeller’s note and I think it's incredibly sad that he couldn't turn to someone for help. There is someone reading this post, right now, who feels hopeless. It's so hard to see our own lives clearly. Resumes are like that—each line is distorted because we distort our vision of ourselves. And just as professional can help us see our work history more clearly, a professional can help us see our personal history more clearly as well.
When things are going terribly, and you haven't been able to fix things, you need help. Everyone who cannot get a job should get career counseling. Because if you haven't gotten a job in a year, you probably need someone to help you change how you see yourself. And everyone who has been sad—depressed and can't fix it—should get help.
It is not reasonable to think that if you have been sad for more than a year that you can fix it yourself. It is not a shortcoming of yours. It's a part of being human that we are complicated and sometimes we get stuck.
People need help. Look at yourself. Ask yourself if you need help. Believe me. You are not a uniquely, an unsolvable problem. Most of us are not complicated to a therapist in the same way that most of us are not complicated to a professional resume writer. We are complicated only to ourselves. The more impossible your problems feel, the more you need someone to talk with about them.
Something I love about this blog is that you reflect me back to me in a more clear way. You call me names, you tell me when I'm too hard on myself, you tell me the obvious solution, and then you echo the obvious solution in the comments until I give in.
I am lucky. And I still need to go to therapy.
Andrew Sullivan is live-blogging the unfolding of the Arizona shooting and he notes, at one point, that psychologists who are watching videos of the gunman are fairly certain that he was having a psychotic episode. (Which means, of course, that this was not political. And, while I'm writing in parenthesis, Sullivan also notes that the intern who saved Congresswoman Giffords was Hispanic and gay and, until a week ago, could have been stopped randomly in Arizona and asked to prove his citizenship.)
The mental health system is broken. Few people have enough money to get good mental health care. And few dollars are spent to encourage people to use those expensive benefits. But we can help change that by spreading the word that going to therapy is a hard first-step, but it's life-saving.
So, I was thinking that in honor of Bill Zeller, and the killings in Arizona, everyone today could each post some encouragement to the person who feels stuck but is hesitant to get help.
The world gets darker and darker if you don't ask for help. Can you write, in the comments section, how you forced yourself to ask for help? Can you help someone else today?
It takes a lot of courage to want to change, and I think what turned the leaf for me was after much hemming and hawing, realizing that nothing was going to change unless I made a decision to actually change it. That’s scary, for everyone. Even when you know what you want. But people don’t know from the outside, and if you want help and you want things to be different, you have to ask people to help you, and you have to be proactive with yourself to take the action to make those changes come to life. Great article – thanks!
P: Great article. Too many peoplensuffer from some sort of mental health to not seek treatment and our system needs to be reset to reach a broader spectrum. Whether it’s post partum, career concealing, weight loss, the “blues” or even financial help, wouldn’t we all be happier with a plan or even a helping hand and sympathetic ear?if I cant do my own taxes (and I can’t!) I find a professional. Please, please talk to someone of you need help.
Please, please reach out to someone. Please, please listen carefully. Connecting and understanding can help. Be present. Be available. Listen. Ask. Courage shines brighter than fear.
I’m bawling my eyes out right now. I had absolutely no idea that being sexual abused as a child can have these lasting psychological repercussions. Really!
P, if you can, I would love for you to do a blog post on the affects of sexual abuse on a child – to help clueless people like me better understand. I wonder how many people abuse victims I’ve encountered throughout my years and just passed them off as “weird” or “whatever”. If I understood, or knew what to look for – perhaps I’d be more sympathetic, understanding, and helpful. Perhaps my understanding may help them in some way.
Regarding Congresswoman Gifford’s shooting – I respectfully disagree with you. It was certainly politically motivated. The Tea Party has been on the rampage since March 2009 with some very “targeted” rhetoric. Just google “Health Care Reform” and “Giffords” and you can see what she’s been putting up with since she gave her vote for the Health Care Reform Act. It’s been a tremendous amount of violence. The New York Times has many articles both today and yesterday linking the two, by the way, and you can read them all for free online. Just because this deranged chap may/may not have been a member of the Tea Party doesn’t mean he wasn’t affected by their rhetoric. Being bombarded every day/all day with the “Kill Gifford” campaign has dramatic affect on everyone, especially mentally unstable people.
Big hugs to you, P.
Thank you, Penelope, for speaking out (again and again and again). I don’t want to post a link and have your program think I am sending spam, but let me say that my friend, Sallie Culbreth, heads a nonprofit organization called Committed to Freedom that is changing the lives of childhood sexual abuse survivors. I immediately emailed her about your post and Bill’s note, and her response was: “He nails it exactly. EXACTLY! It’s what we struggle with everyday – the fight gets easier – but then there are those days. The fact that he told no one is why it festered to this point. The secret holds the power. I had moments in my early days of facing this when I knew – not symbolically or metaphorically – I KNEW I was going to die if I told anything. That’s a big lie with BIG power. I wish he had spoken to someone and let the loose end of that lie be pulled so the lie could unravel.”
Whether or not you find my friend’s organization (it ends in dot-org), which does seminars and classes and retreats all over the United States, there are others WHO CAN HELP. I sincerely hope that the depth of responses here will encourage someone feeling this pain to let go of the secret.
I checked out the URL Jamie is referring to — it’s Christian. Which, given the content of Bill’s note, is sort of scary. But of course there is good religion and bad religion. Here’s the link:
http://www.committedtofreedom.org/home.html
And I know that for me, the more I know about the resources that are available, the more I trust that I’ll find one right for me.
Penelope
I was getting physical during arguments with my boyfriend. I thought that since I was a woman, it wasn’t the same as a man hitting a woman. In some way, I thought that since I needed him so much, if he said something terrible, throwing something at him or hitting him was not off limits as a way of expressing my pain and defending my honor.
I was also drinking a lot, and between getting arrested for a DUI and getting arrested after a fight with my boyfriend, I felt like a lowly criminal who could never expect to be worthy of a functional relationship or a good job again. I felt like almost every dream I had for my life was ruined, because I didn’t deserve to attain them.
I got therapy. I found out I wasn’t beyond repair. I started feeling like I was maybe worthy of asking for those things again, and that I could trust myself to preserve them.
I found no problem or stigma when I first started for help. After all, by eldest brother was a psychologist. But it all turned ugly and hopeless when he was the first to attack me as not needing help and to stop whining like a cry baby and just grow up and shut up. A mental health professional, telling me to go home and stop whining! But I kept going anyway to others, but after 23 years I am now near the point of total hopelessness, worse than I’ve ever been. One after another therapist threw up their hands saying “I can’t help you, there’s nothing really wrong with you!” Then why do I feel suicidal 80% of the time, have attempted suicide 5 times, and have various addictions that I self diagnosed? Why is it so hard to get a therapist to BELIEVE what I say? So far they’ve all thrown their own spin on my depression and woes and basically told me to buck up, and pull myself up by my bootstraps – and I think it’s all because I’m male. In the various waiting rooms I’ve been in I’ve been the only guy. There seems to be a prejudice out there that guys should be able to fix themselves and not have to go and ask for help. Asking for help is viewed as a sign of weakness, which is not allowed in men. Until this society acknowledges that guys, too, get really depressed, we’re going to see rising rates suicide of men in the military and civil life. So I don’t talk to anyone now. I’m tired of being told to stop whining and that there’s nothing wrong with me. If that’s true, why can’t I laugh or smile and dwell on suicide a lot? I just go to bed nightly and pray I won’t wake up again. I’m exploring avenues on my own, but as far as therapists go, phooey! They see a guy walk in and think “another cry-baby”, and I don’t need to be treated like that. I’m still going to try to get better, but it looks like I’ll have to do it all on my own.
Phil,
Do not give up. Just like many people don’t get along with certain personalities, others are not going to hit it off with a therapist. Additionally, family can be our hardest critics and our most important allies.
Both my father and brother suffer from depression/anger issues. Women usually are more in tune with their emotions and are able to express themselves more openly. There is a stigma out there, but fear shouldn’t hinder you from seeking help. Who cares what others think, this is about you. You owe it to yourself to not give up, you will get better. It will require doing a lot soul searching and you will have to fight some inner demons. It is an ongoing battle, but it is worth it. You finally be able to sit back and say this is what I am supposed to feel like, this is the real me, I am happy, I can deal with whatever comes my way and I am not alone in this fight.
Just because a door is a little squeaky doesn’t mean I am going to replace the whole thing. I just need to apply some WD-40 or tighten the screw. Similarly, you aren’t flawed. You just need someone to take a second and apply the remedy. And it has to be the right person. A 5 year old isn’t the right person to go to fix the squeaking door. Clearly these therapists don’t have the right tools to help you so keep searching. Thankfully for you, you aren’t an inanimate object, so don’t be afraid to SPEAK UP!
If you’re applying WD-40 to your door hinges, you’re likely going to end up replacing that door. It’s a solvent/water displacer. Not a lubricant.
I’m also not aware of any screw that I could tighten to keep a door from squeaking.
Part of figuring out how to fix something is finding out what the proper tools are to get the job done, and then going and getting them. Using just whatever the hell you have lying around and attempting to adapt it to a use it isn’t intended is how you end up making things worse.
Thank you for posting Penelope. Bill’s letter is heartbreaking. I already got in touch with my friend who hasn’t been doing well.
Unfortunately there is still a “stigma” attached to mental illness and this prevents many people from getting treatment I’m sure. Society views mentally ill people as “crazy”, “unstable”, “emotional”, “damaged”, “fragile”, etc, and generally they are felt sorry for, which isn’t exactly empowering. Mental illness is still not talked about openly enough and it’s implied (esp in our North American self-actualizing/individualistic/driven culture) that it should be swept under the carpet; suck it up and move on. It’s no wonder people don’t seek help – they are made to feel that there is something inherently “wrong” with them (that they have poor “coping” skills or they are just too “pessimistic”) and that’s so wrong. It’s a shame there are so many people suffering in silence because they feel they have nowhere to turn
Sexual abuse is rampant in our society and nobody wants to talk about it.
I’d just about put money on the fact that one out of 3-5 girls has been sexually molested and one out of 5-7 boys.
Yes.
3-5.
5-7.
Many people deny it ever happened to them when they know FULL WELL it did.
They’re ashamed.
Shame leads to guilt.
Guilt leads to all sorts of wrongs we do to ourselves.
Our promiscuous culture is partially to blame but so are we ourselves.
When you turn a blind eye – when you think it can’t/won’t happen to your own children – watch out.
There are monsters among us.
Monsters.
Penelope, this is the best post of yours yet. There is something about reaching out to people and telling them that they are not alone that is so empowering. Thank you so much for your willingness to share your life so openly so that others can see they are not alone. I hope that this blog has also helped to heal you in a way. I know that with what you have revealed from your past, the people that should have been the best role models and the most loving supporters were just the opposite, and I am so sorry that they did not give you the kind of love that you deserved. I know, for a fact though, that you are a good mom and give your children the love that they need in their lives to feel secure.
I feel so badly for Bill Zeller that he did not have that kind of love either and that his childhood haunted him so deeply that it affected all aspects of his life, I truly wish that people didn’t have this kind of pain in their life or at least could find a healthy way to cope. I know that for him, he probably felt so tormented from his past that he could not separate himself from it and he thought because these things happened to him they were who he is… and I wish he would have talked to someone about it so they could tell him that it was not his fault. He needed an apology from the person that did this to him. He needed that empathy and trust from someone that would listen and not judge. He needed someone to tell him that he was a good person and that they cared about him for everything that he is, no matter how dark his past, especially because what was done to him was wrong but made him no less of a person.
I think everyone carries their own struggles. I went to therapy when I was a child and teenager for anxiety and depression. I think therapy only helped me grow as a person and helped cope effectively with situations that would trigger the anxiety. I think it has also helped me have more empathy for people. I know that as a helping professional and caregiver, it’s good for you to go to therapy because you need to be able to have your own outlets of support and take care of yourself before taking care of others.
I now work at a Children’s Hospital and my job is to help children and their families cope with being in the hospital. I do this by normalizing the environment through play or preparing/distracting them for procedures so they feel they have more control over a situation or just developing a trusting relationship so they feel more comfortable there. I think when you are able to help other people, it helps you feel better about yourself too. I do this job because I truly care about people and especially children. They are so innocent and sometimes their lives around them aren’t. They need that trusting adult in their lives who can nurture them in the most positive way, and for those 2 or 3 days that they are at the hospital.. they have that.
I hope that for everyone that has trouble in their life and they don’t feel that they can talk about it to anyone… I hope you know that you are not alone and that there is someone out there who listens and truly cares about you and your life. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
Thanks again Penelope for this post.
One of your best posts, and a great call to action. I actually did force myself to ask for help recently, and I certainly don’t like admitting it, but you make me realize just how important that is. You inspire me today to write my first blog post in over a month.
My big thing in my life has always been my career; I don’t know why, but what I’m *doing* has always been my big focus. Sometimes I think I’m missing some genes or some hormones or something; I just don’t have any big maternal yearnings. Whatever.
Anyway, from the time I was a little kid, I got almost all of my sense of self from the story that “Vicki is smart.” Vicki makes the best grades. Vicki is going to do great things. So, of course, I went off to college and studied physics, because that’s what smart people do, right? Heh.
And it wasn’t all *bad*, you know, I made friends and learned cool stuff and *did* cool stuff (I worked in the defense industry and for NASA) and had adventures and experiences that not many people get to have. (She who dies with the most good stories, wins, man.)
But I wasn’t happy. I always felt like an imposter, and the deeper I got into it, the more scared I was, and the more desperate I was to get out, until finally I started being physically ill from the stress. In a way, I think it had to get that bad — I had to be doing physical damage to myself to give myself permission to do the thing I’d known for years that I needed to do. The moment came when I was sitting on the exam table, and the doctor said to me, “Does your insurance cover presciption drugs?” and I said yes, and he said, “Okay, I’m going to give you these pills; they’re great, I’ve been taking them for four years.”
…
And I had this mental image of myself taking pills for four years, for a *lifetime*, even, and I realized that I was in immediate danger of doing lasting, physical damage to myself. It was that moment when I knew that no matter how scared I was, no matter how little idea of what I could do to fix it, that I had to do *something*.
So, I asked a friend for a referral, and I went to the shrink for help in dealing, and I started planning my way out of the hole. It was a long road, lots of ups and downs, a few dead ends and switchbacks — but I’ve been baby-stepping my way down it now for almost 20 years, and man, I’ve come a long way. I have a new life in a new place, and I’m stupidly, ridiculously happy.
Ask for help when you need it. That’s what it’s there for, honest.