There’s no magic pill for being lost.
When I was in the mental ward, it was mostly girls in their teens with messed up track records and eating disorders. But my roommate was from Kellogg, a top-ten business school.
I thought it was insane that she was there. She was so smart. She was going to be great at work. Her only problem was that her fiancé had just broken off their engagement. I thought she would be fine—there are so many other men to be had. But before I could ask her to explain, she tried to electrocute herself in the bathtub, with a blow-drier, and she was moved to the high-security ward.
That has been on my mind as my relationship with the farmer has unraveled.
Which makes me want to sleep.
I kiss my sons good night and then walk through a kitchen full of dirty dishes to my bedroom, thinking going to bed would be a good way to escape. But I can’t sleep. Probably because I used that trick earlier, when I came home from work and slept for a couple of hours before I took my son to cello.
I was not sad while I slept. But I was sad at cello.
Even since our first date, the farmer has said that he does not want to date me, but he does it anyway. Over eighteen months, we pretend things have changed, but really, here’s where we are:
The farmer owns about 100 acres on his own. He farms with his parents by putting his 100 acres with their 500 acres.
His parents have said that he will inherit the whole farm so he can keep farming the way he has, on 600 acres, for the last 20 years.
They do not want to guarantee that the farmer inherits the land. They say maybe they will give the farmer a guaranteed inheritance after they see if they like farming with him when he lives with me. They want to wait to see if I make their life hell.
I finally fall asleep and wake up to my seven-year-old saying, “Can you wake up? Is it morning? Can you ask [the farmer] if we can also have sheep when we move to the farm?”
“It’s not morning yet,” is what I tell him.
“Then can I sleep with you? And where is [the farmer]?”
“He’s not here.”
This is what I say. I’m not sure how long I can say it with any credibility. But luckily it’s the middle of the night, and my son is consumed with the idea of doing animal chores every morning with the farmer. My son has plans.
I lay in bed between my sons who realize something is wrong because ever since the farmer came into our lives, I’ve guarded my bed from them relentlessly, but tonight I let them in.
In bed I think about the farmer’s lawyer, who says depending on farming land that the parents control is a totally insecure way to live. Our days with the lawyer are over, though. It cost the farmer $5000 and he has, literally, nothing to show for it. Only discussions with the lawyer about how the farmer has to leave his farm.
I lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling. The boys breathe heavy and warm in my ears and tears drip down my cheeks and when they pool in my ears they are cold. I tell myself over and over again that the farmer does not want to farm on his own land without farming with his parents. I have to accept this.
He asked me to move to his farm, with my kids, living alongside the risk that his parents will tell him that they hate me so much that he either has to get rid of me or stop farming with them.
So I won’t move there. Because I think that if the parents, down the line, hate me enough to force the farmer to choose me or the farm, he’ll choose the farm. So I figure he should just make that choice now, before I move to Darlington, WI with my kids.
And he’s picking the farm.
Did you see the movie Monsters vs Aliens? The girl who turns into a monster breaks off her engagement because her fiancé is a jerk. I wish I could become a monster. I wish I thought the farmer was a jerk. I wish this were a movie, and my kids scratched the disc, so we’d have to stop watching, because the end of this is too scary.
The next morning, I wake up at 5am because I’ve been waking up on farmer time for so long. I sulk for an hour and then the kids wake up. I make lunches, make breakfast, make beds, make jokes (the knock-knock kind) and the kids are happy, and it makes me feel like I’m doing something right.
I went to the book fair at the school the night before. We take out one of our new books and I think maybe the kids are having a charmed life and I am overestimating the impact of farmer abandonment.
Then my four-year-old says, “Mom. Look!” and he shows me an eraser in the shape of an ice cream cone.
“Did you take that from the book fair?”
“Yes. Aren’t I sneaky?”
“No. It’s stealing. I told you we’re only buying books. That means you can’t take anything else.”
We talk about stealing. My seven-year-old asks with eyes full of glee if his brother will be going to jail.
We finish breakfast and I tell myself not to think about the farmer. I tell myself to focus on making the returning of the eraser a good lesson about fairness.
I would like the farmer to sell his 100 acres to his parents, who are willing to pay cash for market price, and then buy a farm somewhere else, so that we start fresh, together. I told him I’d move anywhere in the world that he wants.
He wants to stay right there. With his parents.
In the car, on the way to school, I tell myself it’s hard to be sad over losing someone who is choosing to farm with his parents over starting a life with me. But I’m distraught over telling my kids that the guy they have completely bonded with is going to disappear.
Proving that kids know everything, even stuff they don’t understand, my seven-year-old catches me off guard with his backseat chatter: “Who is coming to your birthday party next week?”
My four-year-old chimes in with a list of his own friends.
I say, “You two are my best friends. So I think it’ll be a party with us.”
The seven-year-old says, “What about [the farmer]? You love him, too, and he loves you.”
I turn the music up too loud.
I need to find some child psychologist to tell me how to tell the kids what happened to the farmer. So when they clamor for the Beatles I put on Ob La Di, Ob La Da, and the kids sing out loud. When I have been pretending that things are fine with the farmer, Ob la di seemed like Paul McCartney’s sunny summary of marriage and kids. Now the song feels like John Lennon’s ironic jab at the morons who think marriage ever works out to be happy.
I drop the kids off. Psychology Today says that depression is contagious and you usually get it from your mom, so I try to be extra chirpy during drop off. Except when we are returning the eraser.
I only go into my office when I have to, and today I have to because we are having an all-day meeting with the CEO who has flown in from DC.
We are talking strategy and he says that startups are always changing. The strategy changes, the tactics change. He says it has happened at every startup he’s ever had.
I console myself that he’s had two, huge exits. I hope that the rule of past performance predicting future performance will skew more toward his former exits than mine.
I try to focus. I wonder if they can tell when I am thinking about the farmer and when I am thinking about the company. Sometimes, when I think I cannot get myself back to thinking about the company, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I try to say smart things every now and then. I want them to think I’m smart.
I hope I am an exception to the rule. For broken engagements. For single parenting. For startup exits.
But I know that none of us is an exception to a rule. We are just regular. And another rule is that we are all lost sometimes, and being lost is okay. I am lost right now. I don’t know what is happening in my life, and I am scared to think of any of the reasonable outcomes.
But I actually know a bit about being lost. I’ve been through it before. I have been jobless, and I’ve figured out what’s next. I’ve hated my career, and I figured out how to switch. I’ve been dumped many times by many men, and I’ve always thought no one would ever love me, and I always fall in love again.
But there’s no magic solution. Being lost cannot be avoided. The best thing to do is to try to focus on something else. I know from past experience what works: Reading, writing, cuddling with the kids, dating men who write good emails, and cooking recipes that call for lots of sprinkles.
Hi Penelope,
I agree with all of the commenters supporting you in your decision.
I also wanted to add a perspective from my experience growing up with a single mom. My dad died when I was 9. My mom started dating a few months later and had many serious, long-term relationships throughout my youth and into my adulthood. (She actually just got remarried to a great guy last June :)
I did bond with her boyfriends as a child, as I’m sure your sons have done with the farmer. But when the relationships ended, I got over it. My most important relationship was always with my mother.
Don’t be afraid to be honest with your boys and just explain that you broke up. It happens (and they probably already understand that from your divorce). They’ll probably miss the farmer for a little while, but they’ll always have great memories of what they learned and experienced on the farm. And the MOST important relationships they have and care about right now are with you and their father. They’ll be fine :)
Don’t spend energy on guilt or worry about your kids. Just let yourself heal. You did the right thing.
Penelope:
I have shared your CNN interview with many colleagues and friends. I love how uncomfortable that interview is, and how much of that discomfort was driven by the fact that the interviewer really wanted you to just admit that you were wrong and his world order was right. But you stuck up for complexity, honesty, and the validity of experience as a lens that prevents things from getting simple. I found the discussion riveting, refreshing, and encouraging. Thank you for that. I then began to follow your blog, and I have to admit I cringed when I found out that the farmer had commitment issues. When people tell us up front what their limitations are, they generally really mean it, even if their actions seem to betray the words. I used to live with a man who told me every six months or so that we were not a forever thing. While this may have been a pressure release for him, I eventually thought it was just sort of sadistic: that he could manage continuing a relationship by making it clear that the relationship would end. Ultimately, it’s just no good to be reminded that you’re not the priority. That’s the whole point of a great relationship–to be cherished. And you’re so worth cherishing. And your’e an invested, smart, generous, insightful mom. Make sure your boys know how terrific you are by not letting them see you with someone who doesn’t stand up for you in every way. One of my friends asked me once aobut a new boyfriend, “And does he show significant worship?” She meant it as a joke. Sort of. But it made sense: the answer was no… and it was time to go. I thank you for your bravery and for making the daily rich and beautifully complex. I’m pulling for you from five states away.
Penelope,
When I read the title of your post, I thought it was a follow-up to your last post, about not being able to follow directions, etc. So I was blown away by the actual subject.
From the moment you said you were engaged to the farmer, I was worried something like this might happen. After all, he broke up with you so many times, what was it that made this time so different? I know the worst part is dealing with your boys – it’s so hard to explain matters of the heart to a 7 year old. But you have to soldier on and make the best of it – and be thankful that it didn’t fall apart AFTER you were married. My heart breaks for you, Penelope. But you are a very strong person, and this too shall pass.
Penelope, let me play devil’s advocate.
You don’t want to move to the farm and risk that his parents won’t like you, and the farmer will choose the farm over you. That’s a lot of what ifs. It could work out well, and maybe in he would chose you and the kids. But maybe not. And you’re not willing to risk it all to only have it unravel. Fair enough.
On the other hand, you’re asking the farmer to give it all up for you–to leave the farm, start a new farm somewhere else, and hope that things that work out. If you and him don’t work, he’s lost everything–you and the farm.
There isn’t a wrong or a right in this situation. One of you has to be willing to take a risk for the other. It sounds like neither of you are willing to do that.
Unclear: In what way has P not taken a giant risk already? She made a huge move with her kids. This is not a maybe-it’ll-work-if-you-only-try-harder moment. It’s more of a how-long-will-it-take-until-I-grant-myself-some-forgiveness-for-trying-so-hard kind of thing. I think the point is that she really doesn’t know whether he would choose her. That’s the message worth paying attention to. When it comes to love (the unconditional kind), we need to KNOW.
I can see kara’s point though. I mean, from the farmer’s perspective, it would be like saying to Penelope “Let’s get married, and if it doesn’t work out, you lose your kids.” I mean there’s NO WAY she would choose the marriage with that hanging over her head.
And yes, you marry forever. But when you’re in your 40s, and you’ve seen marriages end, you can’t help but know that it’s possible. It’s bad enough without having part of it be to lose your farm (him) or your kids (her, in my analogy).
I don’t think the farmer is hung up on his parents; I think he’s hung up on his farm. Which, if he weren’t, how sad. Like Penelope’s first priority would be her kids (I assume), his is his farm. The problem is, he doesn’t own the whole farm, so to keep it he has to get along with his parents. It’s a difficult situation.
I don’t know him, but there must be a doubt in his mind about the stability of the relationship. For one thing, he has broken up with Penelope many, many time. For another, Penelope has had one-night-stand(s) while traveling, while they were engaged. Those things just don’t give the best feeling about longevity (assuming they are not polyamorous on the latter – and it didn’t sound like that type of arrangement in the writing of it).
In reality though, vs. my analogy, Penelope does not lose her kids if they divorce. But he does lose his farm.
I don’t see where he is the villain or the wimp here. I just see an impossible situation given the people and the history involved.
Its true a person does need to KNOW,
but eveyone muddles along at a certain pace and you can’t back someone into a corner and get the response you desire.
(speaking from experience of being in a relationship with a commitment phobe that did eventually, way way way eventually, work out.)
It takes time anyway is what I mean. No one should be forced to make a hard and fast choice right away right now. But I did it loads of times so I know its hard not to do that. Its hard not to KNOW right away.
Family businesses are hard. But my sister and brother-in-law have made great strides for themselves in trying to be independent from his very over reaching family. There really is a way to do it. I think you are putting too much on yourself… He seems to make you really happy, so give more thought to the relationship and be more optimistic.
penelope, i’m so sorry for what you all are experiencing–including the farmer and his family.
we have a family farm that has been in my dad’s family for many generations. it is the place i feel happiest on the earth, and i feel like the energy of all those generations is still alive in the soil and the sky and the trees there. i know my siblings feel the same way–including the one that doesn’t live close by anymore.
when my brother got engaged, my mom (drawing on years of experience in being married to my dad) told my brother’s fiancee, “know this going in: if you make him choose between you and the farm, he’ll choose the farm. try very hard not to put him or yourself in a situation where he has to choose.” this was not meant to be threatening. it was said in a caring way, and she wanted my now-sister-in-law to know what she was getting into.
i know it might sounds crazy, but the farm is part of our family. selling it to someone else would feel almost–not quite, but almost–like selling my dad to someone else.
as many have commented, your post is beautifully written, and i ache for you and for the farmer and for both your families.
Phew! That’s one heck of a story. I guess one way or another you will have to make a decision and take a step into the dark.
Hi Penelope,
My girlfriend said I have to read this blog because you are a bit on the controversial side and a fantastic writer. So I just finished reading your blog and I had to post a comment. I’m 39 (the ‘f’ word approaching much too quickly), on unemployment, single mom for the last almost 9 years, my career just was kicked out from under me almost 3 months ago and I recently realized that the man I was dating (who decided in his head that he wanted to date someone else and started to, but didn’t bother tell me until too late)is the first man I have let myself fall in love with in 20 years and I had to tell him as he told me that he was involved with someone else. Soooo, my life took a big doo doo. However, like you, I have had to reinvent myself. I have just partnered with my best friend and we are opening our own company. It has been empowering and definitely a great distraction from the “I love you and you don’t love me back and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it” scenario. I am logging in almost running 15-20 miles a week to clear my head and have filled an entire journal about the affairs of the heart. My children who drive my insane sometimes, but are my sanity and purpose of my life, are trying to figure out why mommy likes to run so much recently. They are 11 and 9 1/2 and are the best blessings that have ever been bestowed on me. So I am writing to you as a kindred spirit of single parentdom and figuring the affairs of the heart to let you know that there are other like you understand EXACTLY what you are going through. I also have my issues, being a diagnosed ADD/ADHD child and focus and completion of tasks are sometimes absolutely daunting for me. But like you, you figure out what tools work best and you just go for it and make it happen. Great blog. Thanks for reading this. Best Wishes to you and your boys. :)
~Merri Lou
Dear Penelope, I read your blog ravenously and I’ve never commented, but as a single mom navigating the dating world I thought I would comment today, as I know sometimes the advice of a stranger can be just as comforting and resonant as that of a friend. Or you may find it not at all applicable– but here goes.
About 10 years ago I sat on a curb, bawling, at 5 AM, after the man I envisioned as the love of my life left me for similar (deeply family rooted) reasons. I sat there because I couldn’t stand to cry in my bed for a minute longer thus wandered to a comfortable street-level perch where I alternately sobbed and took down little raw notes about my throbbing feelings. I couldn’t understand how he could choose their wishes and demands over mine, and I refused to accept it. After hours, a sunrise, and pages full of scribbles,I became resolute, and vowed to get him back despite his warnings that he would not respond to my attempts and would not recant his decision.
I stubbornly,doggedly, and (I will admit) pathetically pursued him anyway. I wore down his resistance, and 3 months later we were married and I was pregnant. The next two years were the most harrowing in my life. His pentup confusion, anger, fear and the growing divide between him and his closeknit family led to a violent and resentful homelife. When I finally escaped our relationship and many times since, I had the revelation that the pain I felt that morning at 5 AM was there for me to live through and to feel. I was not meant to try and overcome it by acting blindly out of desperation. I tried to change another person’s staunchly made up mind simply to assuage my own pain. I intentionally wedged myself between him and his family- so much so that my daughter has little to no relationship with them, which I deeply regret.
I have followed your relationship with the farmer closely and it seems he’s a good man who’s been patient and kind to you and your children. I hope he comes around– not just so that true love will prevail but because I think it’s a solid relationship, inclusive of the kids, ironically often the family members most hard to please. But in the meantime, you are right to do what you are doing now. Live through the hurt and fear and don’t look for a magic pill or escape hatch. you’re teaching thousands of women who read this empowering blog that it’s ok to get wounded as long as you allow the wound to heal naturally. I applaud and respect you, and hope you know in your heart that a woman of your capacity and talent will always eventually land on her feet.
As for the kids, I think your honesty and openness throughout serves you well here. Just continue to act as you have been acting– no subterfuge, but not necessarily a dramatic announcement either.
Also, Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.
Great post, BLC. We all live and learn, don’t we? I hope that things have worked out for you since then. :)
I like that both of you — Merri Lou and BLC — posted their own stories. I am learning so much about the boundaries of love from the stories in this string.
-Penelope
P, It’s all poignant reading, but the part that really reached me is when you said the kids were happy and you felt like you were “doing something right.” One of the hardest parts about being a parent, especially a single working mom, is that we suffer from a sense of constant inadequacy. Take a step back and think about how well you’ve done with your kids–they sound happy and fun, and there is obviously lots of love between the three of you. Most important, you’ve given them the gift of making sure their dad is in their lives. A no-brainer for you, but not every divorcing couple can be that adult.
So sorry about the farmer. When we grow older sometimes we gain the painful understanding that love is not enough to make a successful life together. I am sad for you but glad you didn’t jump in and subject yourself to a lifetime of what happened on Thanksgiving.
Oh, and my quote that keeps me going, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” ~Proverbs 4:23
Keep your kiddos first and hang it there, girlfriend. It gets better. I’m finding I can use my head for reason, but it is okay to listen and follow your heart as well. Good Luck!
I think the issue here is money, and only money. Penelope is obviously extremely high maintenance in every sense of the word, and only a very large income could pay for her needs (e.g. haircuts in L.A., full-time personal assistant, etc.). The farmer cannot possibly generate enough income from a 100 acre farm, which is all he personally owns. He needs to share in the income from farming his parents’ 500 acres to have any chance at supporting this family, and he knows it. He cannot count on a decent income from Penelope — whatever she contributes would have to be viewed as a bonus by them, because it’s not reliable, it’s a lottery ticket.
What Penelope asks him to do — support this family on a 100 acre farm — is simply not economically viable. That’s why the opinions of the parents matter, just like the opinion of Penelope’s CEO and COO and board members matter to her!
It’s interesting that you think the farmer needs to support her family financially. Who do you think is supporting her family now? Because I’m guessing it’s HER.
In my experience, running a company provides a steadier income than farming. Owners of companies get paid during droughts, floods, early freezes, hailstorms, etc. Farmers don’t.
Another Farmer,
What kind of stupid ass comment was that? Like where’s Penelope getting money right now for her high maintenance?
I fail to see what the big issue is here with this land business (and guess what, I was involved in family farming for many years). I suspect, as usual, Penelope is making this much harder than it needs to be. Don’t even get me started on the farmer and his family – I moved to Wisconsin when I got married, I know what these people are like. Narrow minded as all get out.
I don’t know Penelope’s net worth. But she’s no beggar off the street. Nor is she a gold digger. I bet she’s got her own gold. If anything, maybe she should be worried about legal protection from HIS family. What could they have taken from her business? Farms are money pits, don’tcha know.
But here’s the thing: His business, her business. People do this all the time. There are legal titles, such as LLC, corporations, pre-nups and all, and they all take care of issues like this.
I question that there actually was a real love between Penelope and the farmer. If there had been, this land business could not have separated them. Nor could his idiot sisters. I really have a problem with those sisters!
The two I feel most for are Penelope’s children. They are young, sensitive little beings who don’t understand the complexities of life. We adults love to say they are resilient because it makes us feel less guilty. But guess what, what we do affects kids. Penelope, you can’t do this to them too many times without repercussions. And shame on the farmer and his family for not loving two, innocent little kids enough to open their brains.
Penelope,
Although I often lose hope for myself, I have hope for you.
Brianne
I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you guys. And, as a mum, I understand your sadness for your little fellows, who will be losing a friend. I wish you strength, and many more healing nights cuddled with their little warm bodies. It’s so good to love, and be loved. There’ll be sunshine after the storm.
I married an amazing man that WAS hopelessly tied to his family – emotionally, financially, and physically. It was HELL that got more hellish with each day to deal with his family, and their never ending disapproval of me and my "inability to get grounded and just be satisfied with less." I have been reading your blog for nearly a year. It was there when I had a job, lost a job, and it helped me to find a new job. I feel like I am reading my own thoughts, fears, and insecurities as I read your posts. I am an only-child, I have Aspergers, (ADHD, Anxiety, Past Eating Disorders, Type A personality (Or “D” depending on the test), hyper protective clueless anti social parents who are lacking social skills and obsessive with honesty, a tendency to eat 7 peanut butter and jelly – halfs' in the dead of night due to my inability to sleep, anxiety, the ability to get lost 1 block from my house- often, compulsive tendencies, inability to remember my age at any given time and then the stress of doing math to figure it out, the reputation for being scatterbrained or mean (which is really just the Aspergers), perfectionist expectations which I never meet, inability to read others facial clues or understand why they are all the sudden upset with me, a bad habit of thinking only of myself, I have been fat, skinny, anorexic, bulimic, binge eating, and now a yo-yoer who also wishes to be ana just for a week to lose to stress eating pounds, and the list goes on…… My husband and I laugh as read your posts, we both agree that you sound exactly like me! He jokes that he thought no one else was like me. I live meal bars, and often eat 3 or 4 at one sitting to avoid some task or undesired feeling. I have been described as genuine to a fault, high-strung, too honest, crazy, and I am sure many other often negative descriptions! BUT- My point is this- I married a wonderful man (sensitive, patient, loving, self-less, relaxed, level headed, ….) who I was warned by others to be “VERY” close to his family. I shrugged it off, married him, and paid big time! He worked in the family business of real estate and we lived in his house 3 doors down from the parents. Long Long story short- the family business which he clinged to, the parents who micromanaged our lives and criticized me for being "too independent," stealing him away, making him "not act like himself" and more that I can't remember right now. This went on for 2 years, through real estate financial strains ( no income), my husband being newly diagnosed with Chrons disease (very very sick and $2000 a month meds every month), and the stress of marriage and finding jobs right out of college( in his families retirement city home with 80% of residents over 50). I did not have a period for 3 months and thought I was pregnant. Went to the doctor- turned out it from the blood work that my hormones were no existent. Got an MRI for a brain tumor as the doctor had never seen a 25 year old woman. There was no tumor and it was determined to be stress related. The stress of them pressuring us daily, calling Justin every few minutes, their snide remarks, his siblings cold stares, it slowly started to wear me down mentally and physically. The anxiety of dealing with his family on a DAILY basis was too much for us both. The dinners every night, the game every week, the Wednesdays the cooked chicken, the expectations NEVER ended. They pressured us into seeing them a ridiculous amount of time (as they were self employed and used their children as entertainment) SO GRAND FINALE- My life was HELL living with his family, and him working their business. My husband was perfect for me, and I loved him dearly but it began to be too exhausting and lethal to my core beliefs and person. Broke, both of sick, beaten down, and still fighting we began to look for jobs in other cities. I went to school on nights to get a teaching certification added to my present Bachelors Degree. We were able to move (in debt horribly) to another city 6 hours away. I now am healthy as is my husband and our marriage is better than ever. His family hates me with a passion unmatched, still has a server problem with codependency and inability to let their children leave the nest. His mom constantly schemes to get him back into the family business and away from me, BUT by being away from them we are able to build our marriage stronger and separately now that they are only a rainstorm in the distance, not a tornado on our block. It has made our marriage 100 times different, but it took him growing up and taking a big chance – risking it all to have me and to have OUR lives. I am still hard to deal with, and he is still patient and loving- and it works because its US, not his family + me. Being married to this amazing man, still attached to his family in so many ways caused me to lose myself and become bitter, angry, and withdrawn. The only cure was to build OUR lives with our dreams, not to piggyback onto his parents business. Wait for the guy that is willing to risk it all for you and FIND your dreams as a couple. It's well worth it.
PS- If you ever get down to Dallas – I expect a email :)
Although I think your blog is excellent, I only read it sporadically, so I’m asking for your understanding in advance in case I comment based on erroneous perceptions or on details that were covered in an earlier post.
I guess I’m wondering why you turned down the farmer’s invitation to live with him. Why are you making this a stand-off and turning it into a choice between you and the land? It seems like you’ve created this situation yourself. Do you think it possible that your own lack of self-esteem or insecurity is causing you to turn this into a test of the farmer’s commitment?
Do you know for sure that his parents “hate” you? Or is it that you dislike them because they have such a hold on their son?
I don’t say these things to be unkind; I really respect the quality and content of your writing. I ask these questions because I am insecure and lack self-esteem, and so it’s easier for me to spot those same tendencies in another person.
His parents won’t be around forever, I would live with him and stop agonizing over things that haven’t materialized.
Again, I am surely missing many details of your relationship.
I have greatly admired your writing, both stylistically and because of the searing honesty with which you write. This piece was certainly indicative of those qualities.
The farmer is basically a nice guy, and it seemed as though you complemented each others’ personalities in many ways. But it is hardly surprising that he’s never been married (his sisters did tell you about several serious relationships he had). Clearly, his first (and lasting), love is his farm, which serves to underscore his attachment to his parents.
You are quite right about our all being “regular”, although this needn’t have a perjorative connotation. Nonetheless, we all experience “irregular” circumstances in our lives, providing a great deal of room for unforeseen benefits to emerge from difficult situations.
Feeling lost is part of the grieving process, which you’re understandably going through. There may indeed be no “magic solution”, but all the “sprinkles” you wrote about will ultimately continue to brighten your life.
Looking forward to many more exceptional articles.
Best,
Adriane
Hi Penelope,
I’ve been reading your blog for months (bought your book) and this is my first comment. I found this entry particularly moving. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time, and appreciate your final words of optimism. I’m only 24, but can relate to a sense of feeling lost as a result of a relationship (8 months ago I ended a 4.5 year relationship with a great partner who unfortunately had substance abuse issues). I’m just about to graduate law school, too, so a lot is changing for me.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be lost, or as I prefer, “in transition”… what it means to realize that, despite wanting something so badly, it’s just not in the cards. It’s a tough pill to swallow. What gets me through is knowing that I’m doing my best, and that life is all about these challenges. What an excellent role model you’re being for your boys in showing them that their stability comes first, and that hey, life is complicated. You’d be doing them no favours pretending it wasn’t.
As for the relationship, it sounds like you and the farmer want two different things: he wants his parents, and you want him. Antoine de Saint-Exupery, in Le Petit Prince, wrote: “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but of looking outwards in the same direction.” If you don’t share the same long-term goals, better to find out now.
Wishing you peace and clarity, and thanks for your honest writing.
This is a nice comment, Lindsay. Thanks. I like the part about doing one’s best. That’s a good goal to focus on right now. And that quotation from the Little Prince really gets me thinking — it’s a great way to look at marriage.
Penelope
I’m so sorry, but I have to agree with the first person who commented. You deserve to be with someone who chooses you over anything. A farm, a job, his parents, etc..
There can be other farms, there certainly can be other jobs, and parents will (almost always) love their children no matter what choices they make, but there isn’t another you.
I have to ask: why are you putting the farmer in a position where he has to choose between staying on the farm and being with you? If he insisted that you choose between blogging and being with him, wouldn’t we all agree that you shouldn’t be put in such a position, and that you would be right to say that you refuse to stop blogging? So why make him choose between the two things most important to him? Especially when the choice is unnecessary? If his parents refuse to give him the farm (which is far from certain), then you guys can deal with it when it happens. But trying to force a choice between you and his farm and family — that seems like making trouble. Why should he leave the life he loves for any woman? What pressure that puts on you to make your relationship “worth it”! Don’t make him make that choice — unless you are looking for a way out of the relationship.
I want to add one thing — the crucial test in any relationship is how the people deal with conflict. Conflict always arises: can the people deal with it in a way that doesn’t destabilize the relationship? It sounds as if he deals with it by breaking things off, which is a bad sign. You deal with conflict by issuing ultimatums — also a bad sign. I think one thing to be learned from this situation is not to jump into things (like engagements) without more careful consideration. The other thing is that successful relationships aren’t simply about strength of feeling, though that also has to be there. They’re about being able to negotiate difference: he has to be able to do it, and so do you.
I came to Darlington from St. Louis and lived their for 8 years before I left 4 years ago for near-Madison. When I first heard you were dating the farmer there was so much I wanted to tell you as someone with a similar background gone there and back. Darlington is a peaceful, slow place where one can breathe when first plopped in…but after a while there is no oxygen left in the bowl…and you must leave in order to breathe again. At first you do feel like a fish out of water–Darlington can be like a womb away from the world–but then you realize jumping out of that bowl was the best thing you could ever do for both yourself and your children. So glad you didn’t end up waiting to breathe again.
Penelope, I am so very sorry and will keep you and your family in my prayers. I am rooting for you and hope things work out for the best concerning your loved ones. May God keep you and bless you and provide a solution so you can obtain the desires of your heart. Take it one day at a time, sweetie pie. Virtual hugs. Regards, C.
Found this blog by my fellow blogger C Tann Starr on http://www.activerain.com. First I must say you are a good writer. Something about your writing I can put my finger on it or explain it but I love it. It is hard to let go of someone or something you have loved for so long. I guess that is why we should never grown attached to anybody or anything. If the farmer really loves you,he will do everything he can to be with you.
If you love someone you do everything in your power to let nothing get in your way of making it work. I am not no Dr. Phil by the way-Im not trying to be one either. But please dont think it is your fault which sometimes people are quick to assume it is them when in all honestly its not. You are going to be fine. Keep the faith and know that God will never leave you at a time that you need hime the most. Always thank God for what he is done and what he is going to do in your life. The best in your life is yet to come-Remember that.
I admire your bravery, but you should stick with the Farmer.
You have to learn to make the people who hate you to like you instead, and that requires you to sacrifice a bit of who you are, and that’s not fair nor feminist, but I think it’s worth it in the end.
Don’t ask me how to do that, cause I don’t know, but I think my mother does. The thing you have to realize, is that if you stick it out long enough, one day, the farmer will realize that his insistence on farming with his parents is just some Freudian obsession, and you guys will live happily ever after, especially after the parents die, or get too sick to hate you (but let’s pray they should never be in pain).
I hope you’re joking in this comment? I mean, you have to make people who hate you, like you? That sounds wrong to me.
And the farmer realizing he has a “Freudian obsession” and just getting over it? I don’t think so. He’s a farmer. He loves his farm. That shouldn’t and won’t change (or there is an infinitesimal chance). Just like Penelope won’t decide she doesn’t love her kids. Farmer/farm Parent/children.
You’ve got to be kidding right? When Pandora’s box was opened, the only thing left was hope and it is clearly a double-edged sword. It can get us through tough times but also gives us “false hope.” Like, he can change, I need to work harder, etc. News flash: don’t waste your time. I watched my mother make these same mistakes with my father, hoping he’d change. Fact is, adults don’t change their basic, ingrained instincts, only behaviors and habits. She spent 26 trying to change someone and still haven’t gotten the message because she’s trying it with me, which will NOT happen unless I’m in a coma. A mama’s boy will always be that and he’ll dump you again if his parents express their dislike. No way to live, babe. You deserve better. BTW, this is my first post although I’ve been following your blog for about a year.
I guess what I mean by “sometimes you have to make the people who hate you to like you” is that sometimes you are stuck in a situation that is utterly great except for a minor but painful detail… and you can’t let that minor detail ruin the big, sweet picture.
My mother lived with a evil mother-in-law all her life and my father definitely sided with his mother 80% of the time in the first 20 years of their marriage. But she stuck it through and according to her, it’s worth it, because my father eventually admitted that his mother is a bitch, and they are growing old together.
What I’ve seen from marriages around me is that 99% of the time women always are the ones who make the most sacrifices… it’s not fair, but it’s the way our society always end up running. This is why I’m very pessimistic about marriages, because strong and capable women have a harder time adjusting themselves.
Penelope never told the farmer to stop farming, so I don’t get why the farmer can’t just buy/rent his own farm, why must he farm with his parents? Maybe it’s a farmer thing… but really, I think it’s Freudian obsession.
First, let me say that this is sad, and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.
Next, though, I want to say that though I understand your pain, I’m not sure what there is to be confused about. If there’s anything I’ve learned from your blog, it’s a rational way of understanding emotional turmoil like this.
How much is marriage worth to the farmer? Well, most of his life, he’s lived with his parents in a specific area that he’s really attached to. That seems healthy and normal. If he were going to change his job, and go farm somewhere else, and not see his parents, would that change be worth it for him?
I read on your blog that moving for your job only makes you happier if your salary increases by $150,000. And even though this seems to be “the number,” I personally am not sure that there is any amount of money that could make up for loss of family, friends, and a familiar setting. (We may have the means for a peripatetic lifestyle, but our brains are not really wired for it.)
So… it seems normal to me that the farmer chooses his family and his home over something new and unknown. It seems normal that he would want to ADD to what he has– bringing you there– but not give it up. BUT it also seems perfectly normal to me that YOU would not want to move there. Even though you don’t have as much connection to where you are now as he does, you have some connection. So, if there’s a chance it won’t work out– like he’ll one day choose his life over yours– that does not seem like a good deal for you. On the other hand, if you feel like you would gain a lot by giving it a try, and that you are not losing much by leaving Madison, then that might be worth it.
My advice: Date someone who already lives where you live!
P.s. I am making a similar decision at this time. It is not easy at all. I do not mean to make it sound that way.
Good luck.
That really sucks about the farmer. I’m sorry.
If I lived anywhere close to you, I would leave a basket of pear-granola muffins on your doorstep. And I would write a note reminding you to call if I could help with anything.
Naomi,
I hope that what you wrote was tongue in cheek. If not, it’s insane.
There’s been plenty of sympathy for Penelope in these comments, but not much analysis. This blog is nominally about career advice, so I’d like to take a look at that aspect.
The farmer owns 100 acres outright, and farms another 500 acres in a partnership. This is his “company”, and he is the key employee but not the majority owner. The members of the farmer’s “Board of Directors”, who own over 80% of the company, also happen to be his parents. Which makes things trickier.
Penelope advised the farmer to get a lawyer and confront his board of directors with an ultimatum – “Give me control of this company, or I quit.” I have been in this situation myself, as majority owner when a key employee gave me a similar ultimatum. Whether as a matter of pure logic or pure emotion, I could not give in to this “blackmail” even though (as he very well knew) I would suffer a large immediate loss by letting him quit. I called his bluff, just as these owners/parents did. The fallout from this confrontation will have major personal and business consequences for all parties, which have barely been touched on in this blog entry. For example, do you think the relationship between the farmer and his parents will ever be the same again?
Penelope’s expertise is in providing career advice. Did she give the farmer good career advice?
yes, she gave him good advice. advice is not outcome-dependent, nor is it necessarily an ultimatum (even in this case. really.). the advice was taken by the farmer with whatever free will he feels he has–he must have seen value in this. p provided this advice, knowing that it might not produce results favorable to her. that’s as objective as it can get in a love relationship.
I was so sorry to hear this. You have been so excited about the future with the farmer, even in the face of a great change (moving to the farm), you were totally accepting of the possibilities and so were your kids. This is heartbreaking in so many ways, but I understand the pressures the farmer is facing. We all want a man who will fight for us. But you have found your worth in so much more than the men you date. I know you will be okay, and it’s all right to grieve for a while. I’m anxious to see where your life takes you next.
I must add that you have inspired me to be more creative and daring in my own business, which I started a year ago. I’ve honestly taken notes while reading your entries. As my business success multiplies, I feel like I’m losing grip on my marriage, and not because my time is divided, but because the realities of owning my own business and being the CEO, VP, Manager, and Frontlines person all in one body have brought out some pervasive differences between me and my spouse that were no doubt there before we ever got married — there was just never an opportunity for them to make themselves visible. I tell you, entrepreneurship makes your brain forge so many new neural pathways that it opens up thought processes in other aspects of your life, revealing truth in a way I never thought possible. Thank you for being a partner in tackling this life, as I read your blog often.
Probably 100 people already told you this, but me being just another regular person, will tell you this anyway — hang in there. This guy obviously doesn’t deserve you. Tell your kids the truth, just the way you described it to your readers – that he’s willing to choose his parents and farm over you – kids are smart and they do understand grown up stuff better than we think. Make meaningful connections with good friends and with your kids. Good luck!
Hi Penelope – We’ve exchanged emails on a couple of occasions. One time you appreciated what I had to say about marriage and how we determine if our partner is truly good for us. I feel compelled to respond to your
most recent post, which I find both beautiful and compelling. I hate to use two versions of the word “compel” in one sentence but at the moment I cannot find an appropriate substitute for either, and I cannot wait to write what I want to say. I hope I am not overstepping
any boundaries, but you’re all about blurring boundaries anyways, so I feel comfortable in reaching out to you. I apologize in advance for any (false) assumptions I make about your life and experience.
What you truly want appears right within your reach, and I am convinced that it is not only our right but our duty to create and, just as importantly, receive what we want. I’m hearing from you that the farmer has been forced to choose between his parents/farm and you, and he is choosing his parents/farm. I’m also hearing that you have
been forced to choose between him and a steady, certain future. And you’re choosing a steady, certain future (which most assuredly will not be steady and certain). You’re choosing a certain “clean” heartbreak now, over a possible “messy” heartbreak later.
Plus, you’re also betting on his parents hating you.
You know that Albert Einstein saying, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them” (or something like that)? I love that. When I stopped believing that I had to make sacrifices to have what I want, my whole world changed. My suggestion to you would be to simply consider that. What if both
of you could have exactly what you want at the same time, without having to sacrifice for one another? How would that look? I totally believe it’s possible, and really the only way to live. But we have to be willing to take a step out and, like Albert advises, think about the situation in a new way. Perhaps you’ve found as well that when we think about something in a new and creative way, all sorts of doors seem to open overnight that we never would have dreamed possible.
If you want the farmer, go get him. We cannot go wrong in following our heart’s desire.
I am feeling love for you and your family. Thank you for your continued openness and authenticity.
I am a longtime reader but have never commented. I admire most everything you do in your life and your poetic style in reflecting on it/sharing it with the rest of us. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, your pain is palpable in your post. I’ve had my share of heartbreak too, but as my mom says, “A broken heart is the only way for light to find its way in” (or something to that effect!). You will find love again–you are simply too attractive (in the most literal sense–you draw people to you and make things happen!) not to. For now, focus on yourself and your boys and the small, happy things in life. Good luck to you!
I am commenting for a second time on this post. I have been reading every single word, and each time, wondering what was in the back of my mind. It’s what Andrea said. I agree. Life is wholly unpredictable. My brilliant brother toasted my brilliant sister at her wedding. He said, “Always choose in the direction of love.” He lost his one big love because he couldn’t work out how to be a step-father to her son. It wasn’t a solvable problem but so many things, even when you check all the boxes, aren’t solvable. Go back to the farmer and tell him OK, you’ll give it a shot. OK, you love him enough. Someone has to love someone else enough for these things to work.
IF there were no kids involved, I would say go for it. True, we all want a man who will fight for us, who will stand up for us, but as others have mentioned, you yourself might not have reacted so well had he requested you give up blogging for HIM.
Nobody’s perfect. Sometimes it takes years and years of shared history for that self-sacrificial love to develop.
Sometimes we need to take risks. I risked a lot when I married; I was very young (19), my husband was of a totally different culture, he belonged to a very close-knit family, and I moved to a different country to be with him. I was (and am) a feminist, he was (and still is) quite conservative – everyone said it would fail. And here we are, 18 years and five kids later.
Truly, I feared the relationship would fail myself; but I took a chance on a whim, and I’m so glad I did.
BUT I would never recommend taking such a chance with children. You just moved two kids across the country, that’s enough change. I moved my kids quite a bit in the beginning, until I realized what a toll it took. Particularly on my one son who also has Asperger’s. A child with Asperger’s needs stability, not a man with commitment issues. Every relationship involves risk; but to BRING CHILDREN into a relationship with such a big question mark, where the man tells you in advance there’s a chance this will all fall apart on his parents’ whim…that’s insane. (Also who wants to live with inlaws who wield such power? Ouch.).
Tammy
Everyone has the right to expect to be the 1st choice in someone’s life. If children are involved then you can accept being 2nd. But to told you’re not as important as an “object” or property or parents is unacceptable…It’s his problem, & loss, not yours..
If he didn’t love you enough to say “No” to his parents & family & say “Yes” to you, the person he claimed to want to spend the rest of his life with, then he’s not ready for marriage.
Your sons will ask questions & the questions will be hard, but you’ll answer honestly..They maybe angry or upset, but they’ll still love you.. You may want to question yourself, but you’ll be honest & strong & like so many other times in your life you’ll get through it..
..& your sons will love you even more..
If you were my friend and came to me with this, this is how I would look at it… you are involved with a man in his mid thirties (at least, I’m guessing), never married, who has never lived away from his parents. That in and of itself sets of alarms. Based on what you have written, the parents sound like control freaks, and probably not the nice kind. As wonderful as the Farmer is, you can’t fix bad circumstances. And you don’t want to try to convince these people to like you, it is unlikely to work. When I was in my 20s I was married to a man whose parents didn’t like me because I wasn’t their “type” (their type being a blond WASP with less education than their son). We divorced and he later married their type, and they don’t like her either. Stay away from haters, they will only bring you down. You and your sons deserve better.
When I was 8 my mom got a divorce from my step-father. I wish she’d trusted me enough to have a conversation with me about it, but she didn’t. I spent the next 8 years thinking it was my fault, until years of therapy had me realizing it wasn’t. Communication is the key. You may not be good at it, you may not know exactly how to say what you have to say, but your kids will appreciate the effort. Begin the conversation and let it go where it may.
I feel for you, but more for your kids. You’ll be fine because you always have been. Give your kids the same opportunity.
Good luck.
Dian,
Such a good point you’ve made about how things affect kids. We give them such little thought when we assume “they’ll get over it.” Often we have no clue what’s going on inside their heads and it doesn’t come out until years later.
Not only should Penelope be talking and listening to her kids. She should also let them speak with a counselor – someone who’s trained at drawing out what they’re really thinking.
Wow – what a soul-bearing blog. It really hit home – thanks for pouring your heart out to the rest of the world. You rock and deserve only the BEST!!
I am so sorry that things have turned out this way for you; and I also know that any comforting things that I might say will have as much meaning as the ones you say yourself: that these things happen to us, and that in the end we all recover. It’s just that right now that won’t mean a thing to you.
Exactly 25 years ago this year the woman I thought I adored beyond measure and indeed beyond reason, and to whom I was engaged, told me in bed of all places that she could not give up her former boyfriend and that therefore she would have to abandon thoughts of our future together, though she loved me still. I think there is a moment as we firm up our intentions and promises when suddenly everything that competes with them storms the walls of our fortress, and sometimes the walls crumble and sometimes they stand firm. When they fall it is devastating, and nothing can soften the blow. Well, time will soften it, but that is of no relevance at the time.
The next morning, I remember sitting on the edge of my bed and looking at the brick wall of my apartment, and I had this almost irresistible urge to bang my head hard against the wall, because I could not live with myself as the person who could not be more attractive to Sheila than her old boyfriend.
It all passed, as it does, and within a year I was married, not to Sheila but to my wife Heather, and we’ll be celebrating our silver wedding anniversary next year. It did all work out – though of course there would be other dramas and crises from time to time – but I remember that feeling that morning, and hearing your story I am transported back, and I feel for you.
Is it possible the farmer has some commitment phobia and is using his family as an excuse to side step dating you? If so, he may eventually come around but in the mean time you have your life to live.
You are so smart, funny, creative, a good parent and business person. Continue on with your life and you will find the right person to share it with. (and yes, it could be the farmer). You deserve to be happy and so do your kids.
This is true.
And might it also be possible that Penelope is having a phobia with change, moving to the country and dealing with his family. Perhaps giving the farmer an ultimatum provided her an excuse to avoid this conflict.
I agree….you can definitly find someone that makes YOU happy.
It’s incredibly hard what you’re going through. It’s why I have struggled with wrapping myself around the concept of melding two families – how does that work? It’s not like when we were single, kid-free, and the possibilities of life and relationships seemed endless.
You say: I am lost right now. I don't know what is happening in my life, and I am scared to think of any of the reasonable outcomes.
Having gone through a divorce from someone with whom I thought I’d be married forever, with whom I thought I married with eyes open, with whom I had been deeply in love, with whom I had a kid, I realize we never know. There are no sure things. We can plan, anticipate, work hard and – poof. Just like that.
Still, the grieving you and your kids (and, no doubt, the farmer) are going through is very real, right now. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re strong.We constantly get tested on that!
I love Lindsay’s quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery’ “The Little Prince,” one of my favorite books. It’s on my home desk all the time. Here’s another wonderful quote that fits now: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
Your heart, Penelope, is seeing rightly …
“The best way out is always through” – Robert Frost.
Very sorry to hear about this but I think it was inevitable. Even had things gone along some ways further there was always going to come a time when the farmer would have to choose and he was always going to choose the farm. I have a friend who is a farmer and he pours everything into it. His wife of many years got tired of it and their story unfortunately had the same ending as yours. To live on a farm both husband and wife need to be farmers. I don’t know how else it can work. Still I think the parents should let the farmer make his own decisions and mistakes.
I know it hurts to face it, but your kids are going to be hurt far worse by having new step-inlaws that do not love you or them than they will be if you walk. I know this from experience.
You want your kids to not be traumatized? Keep them away from sadistic and possessive would-be inlaws – at all costs! They deserve a LOT better than to be “tolerated” and not embraced into the family with love and kindness.
Think about that, and think about the fact that the farmer is not shielding the kids from this trauma either. That puts you as the only thing they have going for them. Fortunately, you are enough if that’s all they have.
It would be better to wait and see if someone comes into your life than can ADD to theirs, not complicate it forever. That feeling of not being wanted NEVER goes away. Count on that.