How to deal with doubt: Take a leap
The farmer broke up with me five times the first five months we were together, last year. So I learned that he had huge commitment issues.
I tried to do the advisable thing to do when you're with someone who has commitment issues. I tried to fall in love with someone else. But I didn't. I only missed the farmer more.
So I told myself that it's okay to be with someone who has commitment issues, as long as I am having fun.
But my kids grew to love the farm, and the farmer, almost as quickly as I did. This makes sense. My oldest son was with me on my first visit to the farm, and if you have ever been on a working farm you know that to kids, it's like Disney World.
So my kids were constantly asking to go to the farm, and constantly trying to figure out, what is the farmer? A friend? An uncle? And why did I kiss him if he's not in my family?
This is not a good path for kids if the relationship isn't going toward marriage. So I waited until a day when the farmer and I were holding hands, walking between rows of corn higher than our heads. And I told him that I can't keep bringing the kids to the farm because we're not getting married and I'm scared the kids will get hurt.
The farmer didn't say anything for five minutes. And then he said, “Okay. Let's get married.”
It's taken me months to tell people. It's taken me months because I sort of don't believe it.
I didn't want to write that I'm worried. You will tell me, in the comments section, “Don't get married if you are worried!” But I'm not sure I'd ever NOT worry.
How can I not worry about marrying a farmer? I will be moving, with my kids, to his farm. The farm is in the absolute middle of nowhere, outside the town of Darlington, WI. And now, I guess this will be my debut in Darlington, because I'm pretty sure there will be no blog outranking me for that search term.
But if I didn't marry the farmer, I would be worried, forever, that I should have married him.
So it's not a hard decision to marry him. I have been married before, and I don't think I'm going to change much, so I know what I need, and I know what I have to offer, and we are a good fit.
And, I have Asperger Syndrome, which could be summarized as raging intellect and acute sensitivity to outside input. So the farm is a perfect spot for my mind to explore while outside-my-mind is calm.
But I worry about the farm for my kids. One of my kids also has Asperger Syndrome, and he is completely addicted to the farm and the animals, and the farmer's calm, slow, sunny demeanor. My other son does not have Asperger's and probably does not need of the serenity of life on the farm.
Not that serenity is bad. And the family life that grows from farming is intimate and grounded and full of routine. All good things for kids.
But I grew up in a world where everything was open to me. Check out my high school: New Trier. It's always ranked in the top twenty-five high schools in the country. I remember the principal telling us that the top 500 kids in our graduating class would go to colleges where most would be the valedictorians of their class.
At the time I didn't understand how this could be. But now I understand that in order to compete at the top of the academic field, you need to be the number-one student in your small town.
Maybe not number one academically. But number one in soccer if you want to play soccer in college. And number-one in cello if you want to play in an orchestra in college.
Wait. No. It's worse than that. Because in Darlington, there is no orchestra in high school. So where will my son play his cello in high school if he wants to play in college? And how will my boys learn to play soccer at a high enough level to play in college if all the kids on the coasts are getting private coaching? Where is the private coaching in Darlington?
It's scary how limiting the choices are when you live in a place like Darlington. But competition is scary to me as well.
The reason I couldn't keep playing professional beach volleyball is that I didn't care enough about winning. To get to the very top of anything, you have to think you're going to die if you don't win.
That's not me.
I belong on a farm, where life is slow, and rhythmic, and people are not breathing down my throat about getting the best of everything.
The farmer and I discuss this a lot. He went to graduate school for biology and hated it and went back to the farm. He thinks he could have done anything, so why won't my kids be able to choose anything?
I am not sure. I am not sure if it's my proximity to overachievers that gave me opportunities, or it's my innate optimism and intelligence.
Then he tells me that what I really would have wanted from my childhood is to feel love and security, and why don't we just focus on giving the kids that?
He's right. But it's hard for me to act on that. So I think this marriage and move are leaps of faith for me, hoping that love and security will trump opportunity and achievement. I hope I'm making a good decision for my sons.
The Story of the Farmer – From the First Day We Met:
June 2008 New Way to Measure Blog ROI
June 2008 How I started taming my workaholic tendencies
Oct. 2008 Self-sabotage is never limited to just one part of your life
Nov. 2008 Think of networking as a lifestyle, not an event
July 2009 The sign of a great career is having great opportunities, and saying no
Sept. 2009 How to deal with an insane commute
Oct. 2009 How to deal with doubt: Take a leap
I see the story of you and the farmer as a romantic comedy. It’s a natural. But who should play you and who should play the farmer?
Darlington has no idea what’s about to hit them. Get somea’ Darlinton cheap!
“The City of Darlington has lots for sale in its industrial park. The lots are in a prime location at the intersection of State Highways 81 and 23. The City will sell land in the business park to a developer for $1.00 if the developer is able to meet some basic requirements in addition to meeting all other City development ordinances. To learn more, please contact City Hall at 608-776-4970, but don’t wait because the lots are selling fast!”
http://www.darlingtonwi.org/IndustrialPark.html
Oh! And congratulations! :)
Ah, such a good weighing-and-balancing of issues that torment mothers of young children. You’re headed on the right path: even though it’s terrifying to be “depriving” the kids of all the shiny possibilities that big city life offers, you know in your heart that the Little House ethic is what will grow your boys into great people. It’s just a lot harder now than when we were kids, because of course, our children can see at a click what they’re missing…
However. You’re right about the farm being a thrilling place to grow up. All the best for the road ahead!
It can be safe to change. Commit to growing, that is what I did. My farmer is a musician however the gifts they offer sound very similar.
My son has been enriched beyond my understanding. My sincere best wishes. Your instincts are great!
Many congratulations! I love to read your depictions of the farm and farmers, and I was happy to see that you guys are taking this step. Best wishes.
I don’t get it. Why do you need to get married? Why do you need to show your kids you’re buying into this artificial social construct? Be with who you want but do you really need the law or religion to give you the stamp of approval? I am surprised you feel you need to make this decision. That said, I wish you the best.
Congratulations! may you live happily ever after
The stereotype in Silicon Valley was that kids off the farm did well since they were so conscientious and hard-working. I’m one generation removed from that but the effect hasn’t completely worn off. Good luck.
By the way, google blogsearch doesn’t rank this post as #1. Please try harder as you settle in to the next phase of life :-)
http://blogsearch.google.com/blogsearch?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&q=darlington+wisconsin&spell=1&oi=spell&sa=X
Congratulations.
Congratulations, Penelope. I was a single mom and had an opportunity to marry a farmer type person.
My son didn’t like his lifestyle. I deferred, and missed out on a wonderful man.
So, I’m happy you are taking the leap. You know “of all sad words of tongue and pen…the saddest are these….what might have been”.
Good Luck!
Was the baby you wanted to abort, but miscarried instead, fathered by this farmer guy, or another guy?
If it was the farmer guy, did he know you were pregnant and wanted to abort his child?
And if he knows that, he still wants to marry you anyway?
Wow.
I’ve been thinking about your advice to do something by leaping. It reminded me of advice my husband, the gun enthusiast, sent me a while ago, along with some other quotes sent to him from one of his many gunslinger friends.
“Do something. It may be wrong, but do something.”
I posted it over on LinkedIn and some interesting answers came in and many of them did NOT agree with the premise of acting when you know not what to do – you may have an interest in them. You can read the string here:
http://tinyurl.com/ykzekwf
But for real, Penelope, good luck!
Point your blazing intellect at the study of what life is like in a farming community. If you are open to learning and changing, this could be a great thing for you as well as your children. If your attitude towards Darlington doesn’t change, epic social fail and you’ll be gone before five years are up.
Your children will learn great things from being in a small town and a small school. I believe it’s a better and more natural and humane socialization.
I used to be a city girl but when opportunity knocked it was in smaller cities and towns…and I answered the door. I actually prefer small town life. Darlington is a lovely town, the people are really golden, and the town in Iowa where my sister farms and I plan to retire to is much like Darlington. I have never lived in my sister’s town but my visits over thirty years have built up relationships and the people accept me as if I’m from there, and I actually call it home.
When we go Nooking, Darlington is one of the stops. Maybe I’ll see you at the Nook sometime. (Bargain Nook, Lands End outlet.)
Intellect feeding step one: ” Letters from the Country
” by Carol Bly. I read it years ago and don’t distinctly remember it, chemobrain y’know, but it made an impression on me. I think you’ll like it.
Best wishes!
I grew up on a 400-acre dairy farm in a very rural area. My high school’s graduating class had less than 90 kids. Despite that, our drama teacher still took us to a Broadway show every spring, so I visited NYC more times before I went to college than many other kids. My parents believe travel and education and the arts are really important, so I didn’t suffer from a complete lack of sophistication. Life is about choices, no matter what your perceived opportunities are. I think your kids will do just fine.
Another interesting note, career-wise: Growing up on a farm is always part of the answer to the ubiquitous “tell me about yourself” question in job interviews. Most employers who know anything about life on a farm are more than thrilled to hear this … To them, it means that I won’t shy away from hard work. Putting in overtime to finish a project is no hardship after you’ve shoveled cow poop. :-)
I sent congratulations on Twitter but I wanted to say it again here so The Farmer will see. I wish you both (and the kids) the greatest happiness.
Congratulations, Penelope – I hope you will both be very happy. The farmer sounds like the meringue to your lemon tart :)
My husband, who is smart and has a PhD from a good school, grew up in a tiny village with parents who hadn’t gone to college and grandparents who farmed. It didn’t hold him back. Your kids have smart, loving parents who will not tell them they can’t achieve their goals; many kids do more with less.
Yeah, I know you’ll worry anyway. I think that might be something good parents just do.
First of all, congratulations, best of luck and I wish you and your family much happiness!
Second, however…
I’m from a small town and, while I can agree with you that more rural areas are lacking many of the opportunities an urban area has to offer, I can assure you that growing up in a small town does not guarantee failure… which is exactly the feeling I’m getting from your writing here, that you are worried your children won’t succeed in life if they grow up in a small town. (Also, sorry for the longest sentence EVER.) There are a lot of things small towns can do for children that the city could never offer. I have complete confidence your children will grow to be happy, successful adults and they will attribute it to you and their upbringing, including where they grew up.
“Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” – Voltaire
(O.K. – now you really have to talk to my sister – crazy how you both have similar lives.)
Anyway – she’s marrying her farmer, but they are keeping the “City House.” Her kids are a bit older than yours, and one of the driving reasons is to let the girls finish HS – and their Dad lives in town, so moving 25 miles away may not make sense.
For you, you may think “Urban Cabin” – a place to sleep over in the city. Madison is a blast, especially when your urban cabin is a home away from home.
And, now for the hard part. I went to ETHS in Evanston. New Trier, if I remember my High School football cheers correctly, are complete losers. ETHS has spirit, yes we do, and something-something-New Trier Sucks-something-something!
Wow, did you actually write that you had raging intellect?
Just wow.
I disagree.
Raging self-absorption, yes.
Raging overconfidence issues, yes.
I vote for marry the farmer, in hopes that at least your kids will have access to another person when you fall off the deep end.
-neve
1)Some of the most grounded, yet accomplished people I know grew up on farms
2)The farmer is right, the most reward you can get as a human being is to grow up in a loving, nurturing environment
3)Why do your kids have to be #1 at something? That’s your hangup, not theirs. If you believe the measure of a person’s worth is how much they achieve or how much money they make, you are seriously missing a big part of the equation.
Dear Farmer & Penelope,
Congratulations, so happy for both of you! There will never be a dull moment in your lives. Farmer, you are a brave man for taking on such a complex, strong, vulnerable, capable woman like P. We recognize that you too are taking a big leap and we love that you Love P.
Now Penelope – 3 words for you:
The Pioneer Woman
http://www.thepioneerwoman.com
She has an empire! She has 4 well adjusted, intelligent Home Schooled kids that are even well travelled! She has horses! Her husband is handsome (actually HOT) and loves her! She calls him MM for Marlboro Man. She has a book and is currently doing a book tour! She’s been on TV! She rocks and so do YOU! Worry if you must, but we are all cheering for you to be happy, in love and a huge success on the farm with the Farmer and your kids! I am so happy for you! And as you can tell, there are probably too many exclamation marks in this comment!
I think it’s a good thing. I also agree with the post above about preparing for very different financial backgrounds.
Congratulations!
Congratulations, Penelope. Much love and happiness to you, the farmer and your boys.
And as someone who has the commitment issues in my relationship, if people like you and my fiance didn’t have faith and patience, shit would never get done. I’m glad my fiance loves and knows me well enough to know that when I say I want to leave, it’s because I’m just so scared and don’t know what to do to stay. I would never want to be without him.
And the farmer is right about just giving your kids love and security. It’s all we could ever hope to receive from our parents.
Congratulations!
Mazel Tov! And I hope you have more kids!
Three magazines to subscribe to on the farm: Astronomy, Stockman Grass Farmer (by Allan Nation) and Birding World or Birds & Blooms.
Read anything by Joel Salatin, especially Family Friendly Farming. Take the whole family to his summer seminar at PolyFace in Virginia.
Let your kids raise sheep. I recommend the Dorper breed: no shearing, tasty meat, great gain on grass alone, hardy, great leather, year-round breeding, minimal care. Katahdins are good too.
I played cello but my best musical experiences came from distant, short term, intensive orchestra experiences. I’m sure when he’s older a monthly or biweekly trip to an orchestra in Madison would be just the right compromise. The real growth comes in the personal time spent practicing.
And enjoy the stars! Buy a really good telescope and use it often. Or at least just lay on the hillside together in sleeping bags and watch the meteors once in a while!
Both of you seem painfully honest and deeply loving — so you’ve got structural integrity right off the bat. And the kids are the mortar in between. I’m sure it’ll work great!
Have you ever thought how much you demean and objectify him by calling him “the farmer”? What if he called you “the nutcase” or “the blogger” or “the compulsive liar”? How would you like that?
John — he wants to be anonymous on her blog. It’s standard practice for bloggers to give their friends and family members nicknames like that when they don’t want to be identified on the internet. Given that his first email to her was to pitch the idea that she needed a farmer friend, I don’t think he minds the moniker.
I wish you good luck or that mazel tov thing. But it is most likely a mistake.
As someone who has married a farmer (and all that that entails) I can see where your concerns come from. I grew up travelling all over the world with my parents, living in different countries and being exposed to different cultures and when I met my husband – who was “it” from day one – I was adamant we would not live on his family farm. Well – it eventually happened, and I chose it, for my 1 year old and I – because it was better than the post enron, post 9/11, dual income no life lifestyle we were living (husband worked for Enron but left 3 weeks before to go to agricultural college. No we had no idea and yes we too lost all of our investments). It was a shock but it has been good. People have been kind, overall, and accomodating of my eccentricities. My husband works an extremely fulfilling job – besides farming he is involved in all sorts of enterprises and local politics – and his happiness and lack of “sarariman-ness” means I am free to do what I want to do as well. The compromise is education – my bright and creative 9 year old has been at boarding school for 1 term (a decision while culturally accepted in these parts I have found very difficult to live with) and I have just decided to take her out and instead drive her for an hour to a nearer school which will offer her some outlet that local schools do not offer. Eventually her 6 year old brother will join her on this long commute. It is not ideal – but the more time I spend arounds striving mothers the more ridiculous their competitiveness seems to me. All around me I know of 40 something city / legal people disenchanted with their life and choices. Yet all around me women are priming their children to achieve the same. I’m intelligent and did reasonably well at school but because of my peripatetic lifestyle was never going to “fit in” anywhere enough to work out the system well enough to achieve top marks. That’s fine – I led a more interesting life. I spent plenty of time alongside people primed from birth to be prodigies to know that you can’t force it. Your kids will be fine. YOur child with Aspbergers will probably thrive with the peace and tranquility this homelife affords him. Your child without will do great – wherever. YOU play a big part in his life. YOU can open his mind to literature and music. And you’re already doing that. Bugger the rest of them and choose happiness for yourself -it’s the best example you can set for your kids.
Your children can do anything they desire even if they grow up in a small town.
Marrying the farmer sounds like a good move to me.
yay :)
and for the record, *i* don’t think that being worried is a bad sign. your worry just shows that you are pragmatic and thinking things through. over-romanticizing marriage to the point where one doesn’t worry at all about the nuts and bolts of one’s new life? now *that* worries me.
Congrats on this Penelope! I’m happy for you…and I know people who have grown up in small towns, but turned out extremely smart & good people. You have more of a chance to stand out in a small town!
Mazel-tov!!! And you are absolutely right that you will never be absolutely sure about marriage. But your attitude is perfect – you’re thinking about this in terms of building a family which is MUCH more than most people do. I’ve had moments of worrying about whether I’m giving my kids all the opportunities they need but ultimately I realized that all the money and power in the world won’t make you happy if you don’t feel loved and have security. I know that sounds cheesy but I’ve found it to be completely true in my life. You’re giving your sons love and security. Sounds like the farmer is doing the same thing. There is NOTHING your sons need more than that. :)
I think being happy is better than being the best or being able to compete at a collegiate level. Seeing you happy will be worth more than all of the private soccer coaching in the world. Seing you be able to change to seek happiness…plus, I think growing up on a working farm will get the attention of the admissions offices! They are more and more looking for a total package than a “number one”. You are doing the right thing – good luck!
what about co-parenting.
Are you the really a self-proclaimed “raging intellect” or do you think it is better defined as your “raging hormones” and just plain “wacky?”
When you make statements like, “The farmer broke up with me five times the first five months we were together, last year. So I learned that he had huge commitment issues.” I smell “wacky” from both you and your Farmer!
You continue to make statements like, “I have Asperger Syndrome, which could be summarized as raging intellect..”
I wonder, if we read and listen carefully to your supposedly light-hearted references to your “raging intellect” it may be more like your “raging hormones” and plain old fashioned “wacky” and “a little brain-dead?”
Your blog in my judgement may suggest, you maybe an adult who is “out of control,” but not disabled.
Have you ever considered the safety of your children? The source of both the swine flu and bird virus(s)were discovered on a farm. I smell “wacky” again.
For God’s sake, leave the poor non-commitmenting farmer alone!
Eve
Best of luck to the two of you! (The four of you, really.) I’d been wondering what was happening with the Farmer, and this is definitely news.
I’m sure there will be lots of changes, challenges, and adjustments for everyone. That’s true no matter who you marry. And I hope all of you are very happy.
Wow ..congratulations on the marriage! I’ve only been introduced to you/your blog since I moved here to the Madison area this May. What a ride I’ve witnessed since then! … and I have to say I’m also impressed – way to own that rick/CNN interview! ;) Congratulations!
Listen to the farmer. He’s right about what kids need. And he’s obviously good for you. Kids need parents who are happy. They may not notice what they don’t have, but they will notice if you’re happy or not.
Congratulations on finding your path. Wonderful!
D’oh! Congrats, but now i’ll never have the chance to see how my oral skills rank
Woo-Hoo! Congratulations. And, by the way, if you’re getting married and you don’t feel worried…well, that would be just weird. Worry is real life. Complete and udder calm is a romance movie.
Girl, just leap with your heart and go for it. Finding someone to spend your life with is a gift. I took a slow leap into a military marriage 11 years ago, and I couldn’t be happier. It took me from Iowa to the east coast, and I didn’t know what to expect for any of it. Go into it with your eyes and brain wide open, and your heart will lead you.
Good luck!
Amy
“And, I have Asperger Syndrome, which could be summarized as raging intellect and acute sensitivity to outside input”
Acute insensitivity. Deluded, wrong, mis-formed. Whatever you want to call it.
Penelope, I’m so happy for you, the kids and the Farmer. You all deserve this joy!
Pen,
This is none of my business. Then again, you posted it to the blog.
Girlfriend you are living in a fantasy. You have two kids and an ex-husband. They have to live together some of the time and aren’t likely to do that in the farm. So where? Your old house? Can you afford to deed it over to him? If not, how is he going to pay for it? Plus, where do they go to school? Madison or Darlington? Is your ex up for losing them to a new school district and a new glamorous stepdad? Watch out. Also, if he remarries, which he likely will any minute after you do, you’ll have to renegotiate all of the above. I see $$$ arguments all over the place.
Best of luck on the road you’re on, but be sure you have lawyers (and therapists) at all the turns.
I met a lady with two kids and I also had a commitment phobia to overcome. The night before the wedding I told her I was not sure this was the right thing for me to do. We had already sold two houses and bought one together at this point. Yikes. I married without knowing if I could really ever commit 100%. That was 22 years ago and each year is better than the one before. Congrats to you!!!
Hi Penelope…
Best wishes for this new step in life…
Living on a farm land and calmly blogging with a laptop in the lap of nature is certainly a great life!
Your children will love spending time with the ‘big city girl’ your ex-husband marries in New York City. They will love the big city and all it has to offer! They will dread going back to a place with nothing exciting …. well you know ….. or I hope you know.
Just for fun, please paint a picture for us. A picture of you, your children, and the Farmer in the year 2015.
Are you having flashbacks from 1970s scenes of the three children Carrie, Mary, and Laura Ingalls frolicing down the hill on the farm from “The Little House On The Prairie?” Yes, the drama television show was the “Farming” equilavent to “Disney World.” They are fun to visit, but not a lot of reality. Have you even thought about it?
I belive the creative minds in the media create a make-believe world for those who need it and who are seeking it. Disney World does it for money. Farmers do it for welfare.
“Farming” has always been a “welfare” business. It always has been. Look up the numbers. The math simply does not add up for a profit.
Anyway, enjoy the monthly U.S. Government welfare checks and the food stamps!
Lisa
Lisa,
Know much about farming? Midwest farmers aren’t getting welfare checks, they’re getting nice, fat subsidy checks. Corn is the one of the most highly subsidized industries in the U.S.
Rennie,
Yes, I agree with you.
I would almost consider the Farmers, homeless “Disney World” people. They work for years and never understand they make as much money as a “homeless person,” both rely on welfare and foodstamps.
The only thing the “Disney World Farmers” are missing is the sidewalk and ‘grocery store shopping cart” to push around their belongings.
Subsidized Farms is the age old Socialist policy, in simple terms, we call it “Farm Welfare.” The “Disney World Farming Economics” starved the population and finally collapsed the Soviet Union in the 1980s.
I agree, corn and other “Subsidized Farms” have no incentive to make a profit. The U.S. Government Department of Agriculture still makes payments, rain or shine.
I also like the “Wind farms.” They are also welfare programs. Who cares? These Windfarms give us our “Feel Green” feelings and have perfected the marketing! They make us all feel good about “global warming.”
Call it what we wish. Look up the math. Total Farm Revenue is less than Total Farm Expenses, the U.S. Government Welfare Program (Subsidies) provides the difference.
Lisa
Penelope, This might be a sensitive question, but since you Twittered that you had a miscarriage recently while at work, and you referenced wanting an abortion prior to the miscarriage, how does all this play into your recent announcement of marriage? So much going on. I hope you are thinking clearly. What do your long standing confident’s say?
Holly,
This is a recent, direct quote from the Brazen Careerist responding to David Dellifield, when he tells her , “penelopetrunk sorry your kids are a burden, send them to OH, we’ll enjoy them for who they are." Sounds like her “Farmer” story now, huh?
She writes the blog “I hate David Dellifieldd, The one who live in Ada, Ohio.” She labels it “fulfillment” to “women” in April 2009. Part of the blog includs the following,
“This is normal behavior. I mean, intellectuals need intellectual stimulation, and that's not something kids give.
This does not mean I don't love my kids. Only an asshole would suggest that because I don't want to stay home with them all day, I must not love them.
And all you people who say you'd love to stay home all day with your kids if you could, you are completely full of shit.”
She continues with “Let me ask you something. Do those guys check their email when they're getting a blow job?”
Holly. Seriously, does this sound like like a “person who is thinking clearly?”
Very nice ladylike behavior.
Monica
Yay!!! Best wishes for your new life, the farm sounds really lovely and I wish you both all the happiness in the world.