This week’s series: How to deal with Asperger Syndrome at work
People often tell me that I should write career advice for people with Asperger Syndrome. This is because I am surrounded by people who have Asperger's, and I have it myself. Please, do not tell me I don't have it. First of all, it looks very different in men and women, and most of you have experience with men. Second, I'm way more weird in person than I am on the blog. And surely you thought it was the other way around.
So, anyway, the reason I'm good at giving career advice is because I had to learn things systematically, which helps me break it down for everyone else.
For example, I had to learn that a candy dish on someone's desk means “I like to talk with people.” Other people read this cue instinctively. It makes for a good blog post but an annoying co-worker if I don't teach myself stuff quickly.
I don't really do career coaching. I don't have patience. But often career coaches send people with Asperger's to me, because mostly, these people are extremely difficult to coach.
They are difficult to coach because the biggest problem is that non-verbal cues that are obvious to everyone else are totally lost on people with Asperger's. For example, you can tell when you are boring someone, but someone with Asperger's cannot—we just keep talking.
Here is a link about how important it is to be well liked. I write about this need all the time. It's obvious to people who are well liked, and impossible to understand if you are someone who is not well liked. That's precisely why you're not well liked. And this is the problem with Asperger's.
Note that the person who sent me this link is Sarah Kunst, (event manager at guestofaguest.com). The biggest difference between men with Asperger's and women is that women get help from other women, and men don't. So women with Asperger's are generally more high-functioning than men.
Sarah is a great example of a helper. I met her through my blog. Then I met her in NYC. She recognized me as someone who has trouble knowing what to wear, and what to do. So she gave me tips. Unsolicited, really. First makeup, then no cap sleeves, then a whole wardrobe. Men don't get this kind of help unless it's from a spouse who is desperate to keep the marriage together.
Note to parents: the most painful part of being an adult with Asperger's is not the lack of relationships. Really. I have a lack and I want to care, but I don't. And most people with Asperger's will tell you that the painful part of having Asperger's is not being able to work successfully.
So, this is an introduction post to this week's series: How to succeed at work with Asperger Syndrome. Stay tuned tomorrow for the next installment.
(And, hat tip to Virginia, another friend who helps me navigate the world, and emails me good links!)
Coming from the voice of the Asperger’s adults, all of us at “Autistics Aware” dream of being hired for a job that is specifically seeking an expert in a skill that is also our special interest. When an employer has a need for someone who can fix mistakes that computers make, and we have someone in our membership that loves to do that (even for free), this will be a winning and successful relationship for both. Please do not hesitate to check our member profiles and special interest pages.
Coming from the voice of the Asperger’s adults, all of us at “Autistics Aware” dream of being hired for a job that is specifically seeking an expert in a skill that is also our special interest. When an employer has a need for someone who can fix mistakes that computers make, and we have someone in our membership that loves to do that (even for free), this will be a winning and successful relationship for both. Please do not hesitate to check our member profiles and special interest pages.
Thanks for being here and providing this information. I work in a two-person office — my boss (the executive director), and me (his assistant). During my interview, he told me, “Some people have said they think I’m condescending. I don’t mean to be. I don’t understand why they think that, but I thought I’d let you know.” I brushed it off at the time. But here I am, five months later, still frustrated with what comes across as a condescending attitude. The way he responds to me when we talk feels so awkward, and I’m left feeling like he just thinks of me as an extra item in the room — useful…but not worth relating to.
Then I realized, maybe he has AS. I’d worked with a couple of boys with AS years ago in a classroom setting, and his behavior was similar to theirs. I thought…maybe he can’t read my cues or respond with cues that I am used to. Maybe he has AS and doesn’t know it.
Here’s an example: sometimes he’ll make a statement and then turn to me and smile. But the smile doesn’t feel like it’s a natural response to anything; it feel like he smiles because he thinks he’s supposed to smile some particular point in the conversation. He rarely expresses emotion and when he does (like with the smile) it feels like it’s just a physical action rather than connected to an emotional or inter-relational response.
Does this sound like an AS kind of behavior for an adult male? I’m taking a little different approach to my communications with him and it seems to be helping. At least I’m not taking things so personally anymore.
My childhood from beginning to graduation and to where I’m at now, everything has been one emotional rollercoaster ride. Everything just felt overwhelming and I could never escape the feeling. Recently I went to a therapist and I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. It wasn’t until yesterday that finally got what it was at a therapy session.
And finally having gained TRUE perspective after having read this blog and all of it’s posts that I finally got what I have. I had a rough childhood in and of itself ,that combined with the problems of AS equalled up to pure hell for me. It was like drowning in thw world around you. Everyone always felt so clippy to me. I swear the stuff was traumatizing now that I think about it. I had a bit of trouble keeping up in school too, makes sense now that I think about it.
Was in Special Ed for a while. I still live with my adoptive father, going out on my own unconquerable and insurmountable force. This year has been screwy for me. I couldn’t “get” the world around me and now it finally makes sense why. I’ve also got asthma and chronic insomnia. For me they felt like walls. Plus the part that I couldn’t tell myself apart from the AS since I didn’t know I had it, it was depressing. now it finally fells like I’m in the driver’s seat of my own damn life. I’ve got a long ways to go still. Just wanting to say thanks to everyone here for helping me put this into perspective.
Thank you!
I can understand how you feel I have it too I may be 11 but I like to know that other people have my conditoin so thanks
The only way to get him to change is to be explicit about what he is doing, and exactly what he should do instead. And please try not to show resentment that he should not have to be told this. True, he should not have Asperger’s syndrome but he does, and therefore he does need to be explicitly told what is expected.
Try to be thorough. Perhaps someone told him in the context of leaving the office during the middle of the day for an unusual errand that he should let someone know that he was going (so they wouldn’t wonder where he was if he was needed). Tell him he doesn’t need to do this at the end of the work day because in that case he is _expected_ to be leaving the office.
I have a co-worker who I believe has either Asperger’s or some other form of autism. He tends to stand way to close to me when talking (invading personal space) and states the obvious in conversation. For example, if someone says that they had to stop to make a left turn, he will say, “That’s because the stop sign is red.” He also seems to think it is important to inform me (and only me) when he is leaving work every day to go home. I am not his supervisor and find his constant attention annoying. I am female and probably the closest in age to him other than our actual supervisor. He bobs his head and tries to make eye contact with everyone in the room during meetings when he (obviously) agrees with something someone has said.
My question is, how do I deal with him? His lack of knowledge of social mores makes me uncomfortable. It seems that the only way to get him to back off is to get mean. I don’t want to be mean to anyone, but he is obviously not getting the hints and after reading this blog, I do understand that issue a little bit better. But I still need to know how to draw a line in the sand with this guy and have him pay attention to it.
I thought that perhaps people who have Asperger’s could enlighten me as to how to handle this uncomfortable situation.
Don’t no why, but my reply got attached to the previous message.
Thank you for your response. I would not have considered telling him that he does not need to report to someone. It really is not my “place” to tell him that but if you think it will work, I’ll give it a try.
The thing that bothers me the most is the invasion of personal space. He stands almost on top of me — so close that if he gestures, he brushes against me. My natural inclination is to physically push him away but I’m afraid this could cause problems for me with regards to management.
Perhaps I’ll just continue to avoid him but now I know that will have no effect on him.
Maybe you could step back and (non-judgmentally) tell him, “You’re standing too close.”
I’m an adult female, newly diagnosed as being a full blown asperger person. I was shocked. So now I read as much as I can to learn what it is and what it means to me and my future. It has helped me to understand the difficulties I had going through school and not having friends, (and not wanting friends). I’m bright and capable. Not sure what to think of all the info I’m reading, or what I should be concerned with “fixing” in myself.
Read “Asperger Awareness: A Key to Success for IT and Technical Managers”
http://www.lulu.com/shop/stephen-plowright/asperger-awareness-a-key-to-success-for-it-and-technical-managers/paperback/product-15573007.html
I am a 36 year old female who has Aspergers. I became aware of this last year after finding out my son shares this difference. That is how I view Aspergers, merely as being unique. Just as others are unique so are those who have Aspergers. No two people are the same however traits can resemble. I may not be the most social, may not say the right thing that society accepts but I can make sense of things other cannot. I am who I am and have made my life successful in spite of being different.
i’m female and have asperger. women hide it better than men. when being in a noisy place as a child, i just froze, terrified to death but not saying a word, when a boy might have refused to go to that place or have a meltdown, i had a shutdown instead. nobody noticed, but i remember how scared i was to that day.
i dont really care if i have friends or not, and most people with asperger and high functioning autistic people can find jobs and careers, but only if they’re encouraged and someone have faith in them, especially as children. i’ve struggled with employment and had many issues, noise, bullying, social phobias, etc. but with time and experience, i got over it. with the right kind of training, aspies can make it. they should have a special course of something.
i never made a friend in my life, and it doesnt matter. i dont even know why people bother with them. people think i’m lonely and miserable and dont have a life, because i just want cats to keep me company, but it’s out of choice, and i’m happier this way.
thank you for this interesting post and this blog.
“People often tell me that I should write career advice for people with Asperger Syndrome. This is because I am surrounded by people who have Asperger’s, and I have it myself. Please, do not tell me I don’t have it. First of all, it looks very different in men and women, and most of you have experience with men. Second, I’m way more weird in person than I am on the blog. And surely you thought it was the other way around.”
THANK YOU for this direct, succinct paragraph, on behalf of other female aspie’s that others believe are “normal.” what appears “normal” to others is EXHAUSTING to us.
i have envied male aspie’s more times than i can count due to differing and increased social expectations of females.
yes, we are social animals who must obey rules to survive, thrive, and coexist. but until i get my official book of rules of social engagement, i’ll keep bumping up against the unwritten rules.
best to you, Penelope, and glad to have found your site today, via your piece on Minimalist Leo Batauta. looks like there are many more helpful articles to make a better 2014, appreciate your candor and work.