What’s the connection between abortion and careers?
I have had two abortions.
The first one was when I was twenty-seven. I was playing professional beach volleyball. I was playing volleyball eight hours a day and I spent two hours a day at the gym. I noticed that I was getting tired more easily, but I thought it meant I needed to train harder.
Then one weekend, a doctor friend on a visit saw me drop a plate one day, and a vase the next. I told her my hands just gave out because they were so tired.
She said I was anemic. Then she said, “Maybe you're pregnant.”
“I'm not,” I said. “I have a regular period.”
It turns out, though, that you can have a regular period and still be pregnant.
And I was. Fourteen weeks.
My friend said, “Schedule the abortion now. You're already late for it.”
I didn't do anything. I was in shock. My boyfriend was in shock. Neither of us had ever had a pregnancy. I couldn't believe the whole process actually worked, to be honest.
I told my mom I was pregnant. She said, “Get an abortion.”
I didn't say anything. I wasn't really thinking I had any choices. I didn't have a job that could support a child. And I wasn't sure if I was planning to marry my boyfriend, although we were living together. I knew that I had big ideas for my life and I hadn't figured things out yet.
My mom got militant. “You'll destroy your career possibilities.”
She riffed on this theme for a week, calling me every night. Her passion is understandable. My mom took a job when I was young because she hated being home with kids. She endured interview questions like, “Does your husband want you away from home working?” She was one of the first women to become an executive at her Fortune 500 company. She blazed trails so I could have career goals that required an abortion to preserve.
Here's what else happened: Other women called. It turned out that many, many women I knew had had an abortion. This is not something women talk about. I mean, I had no idea how ubiquitous the procedure was, at least in my big-city, liberal, Jewish world.
Each of those women told me that I should get an abortion so that I could keep my options open. “You're a smart girl. You can do anything with your life right now. Don't ruin it.”
My boyfriend was laying low. He was no slouch when it came to pro-choice politics and he knew it was, ultimately, my decision.
But the minute I said I would get an abortion, he was driving me to Planned Parenthood.
You had to go once to set up the appointment, and then go back.
When I went back, I had a panic attack. I was on the table, in a hospital gown, screaming.
The nurse asked me if I was a religious Christian.
The boyfriend asked me if I was aware that my abortion would be basically illegal in seven more days.
I couldn't stop screaming. I was too scared. I felt absolutely sick that I was going to kill a baby. And, now that I know more about being a mother, I understand that hormones had already kicked in to make me want to keep the baby. We left. No abortion.
My boyfriend started panicking by suddenly staying really late at work and going out with friends a lot. I stopped playing volleyball because I got tired so quickly.
People kept calling me: They said, “Think about how you'll support the child. Think about what you'll do if your boyfriend leaves you. You're all alone in LA with no family. How will you take care of yourself?”
People gave me advice: Get a job. Once you have established yourself in a career, you'll feel much better about having kids. Figure out where you fit in the world. Get a job, then get married, and then have kids.
I scheduled another abortion. But it was past the time when Planned Parenthood will do an abortion. Now it was a very expensive one at a clinic that seemed to cater to women coming from Christian countries in South America. I knew that if I did not go through with it this time, no one would do the abortion. I was too far along.
So I did it.
I went to sleep with a baby and woke up without one. Groggy. Unsure about everything. Everything in the whole world.
People think abortion is such an easy choice–they say, “Don't use abortion as birth control.” Any woman who has had one will tell you how that is such crazy talk. Because an abortion is terrible. You never stop thinking about the baby you killed. You never stop thinking about the guy you were with when you killed the baby you made with him. You never stop wondering.
So the second time I got pregnant, I thought of killing myself. My career was soaring. I was 30 and I felt like I had everything going for me — great job, great boyfriend, and finally, for the first time ever, I had enough money to support myself. I hated that I put myself in the position of either losing all that or killing a baby.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. I knew what they'd say.
So I completely checked out emotionally. I scheduled the abortion like I was on autopilot. I told my boyfriend at the last minute and told him not to come with me.
He said forget it. He's coming with me.
I remember staring at the wall. Telling myself to stop thinking of anything.
The doctor asked me, “Do you understand what's going to happen?”
I said yes. That's all I remember.
I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.
I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.
And here I am, with the amazing career.
But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don't need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.
It doesn't matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won't create an earthquake underneath that confidence.
I think about the men I was with when I had the abortions. They were not bad men. One is my ex-husband. So much of life is a gamble, and I think I might have had as good a chance of staying together with the first guy as I did with my ex-husband. And I am not sure that my life would have turned out worse if I had had kids early. I am not sure it would have turned out better. I'm not even sure it would have been that different.
You never know, not really. There is little certainty. But there are some certain truths: It's very hard to have an abortion. And, there is not a perfect time to have kids.
And I wonder, are there other women out there who had abortions in the name of their career and their potential? What do those women think now?
I meant to say, how refreshing it is to read YOUR story (not all of the jazzed up comments you’ve received afterwards).
Your honesty, vulnerability, your not “all knowingness”… now that’s refreshing! Just goes to shows ya how complicated we are and how each person navigates the world in their own way.
Everyone need to read this to be reminded to follow their own path, make their own decisions to the best of their ability at the moment.
Congratulations!
This post blew me away. I read it the day it was published, wanted to comment because it was so overwhelmingly inspiring, then didn’t, because it was so overwhelmingly inspiring.
Twenty days later, here I am.
Anyone getting hung up on the abortion issue is missing so much here. A) Penelope is the most honest writer I’ve encountered. She strips herself bare for the benefit of so many nameless readers out here, and for that, she should be applauded. How dare anyone pass judgment. Especially the religious fanatics – you should know better.
And B) I’m married and pre-children and am always thinking, “I can’t have kids until I accomplish ‘x.'” It’s still not accomplished, I’m starting to hear a faint, faint tick of the clock, and this terrifies me. To hear from someone who felt she had to make a choice between a child and career, and now, years later, can say she honestly doesn’t know whether that decision would’ve have changed her career either way, is a gift.
It’s a gift to all the women out there who have both the urge to be a mother and the urge to change the world. It’s a gift to those who’ve struggled with the choice of whether or not to bring a child into the world, prepared or not. The list goes on.
For me, it was a gift to know that either way, baby or not, I can change the world. So, Penelope, thanks for the honesty.
A life has come and gone it is the weight of that life that is felt most by those who are responsible for it. If the life was at the dawn or twilight makes no difference. The fact you had these feelings, the fact you had these feelings written down shows the weight still bears on you as if it had just happened. You are human, not evil, not selfish, but human. That makes you just like the rest of us -if we had to make those types of decisions or not.
Thank you for your very intimate thoughts and experiences.
I had my first child at 16- I also had a bright future ahead of me but I decided that since I had put MYSELF in the situation of getting pregnant in the first place, I had to do the responsible thing which is to assume consequences for one’s actions. I commend you for writing about this, but I do believe abortion in this scenario, in this country where you CAN survive basically even without a job, abortion in this case is selfish and unjustified. Not that abortion is ever justified in my eyes. I have 2 kids now, I married the father of my children at 18 shortly after our daughter was born almost 9 years ago, i am 25 now. I never regret choosing life over a career. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I hadn’t.
I had one when I was 19. I was attending community college and waitressing at a restaurant where the would-be father was a cook. My family is very conservative and they never knew, but I was lucky to have a best friend whose mom helped me through it. Now I’m in my 30’s. I have my master’s degree and a great career helping people get job training. It breaks my heart when I see women who are so bogged down with kids that they can’t get out of poverty no matter what they do. The more I work toward solutions, the more I belive that family plannning education and access is the key to social change. I’m still not married (although I’ve been asked) and still haven’t had kids and sometimes I get a little nervous that I’ll wait too long and it will be too late, but other than that, I haven’t looked back once. I never kept track of the date so I never think ‘this would be his/her birthday’, I’m not haunted by guilt or regret, although I’ll never forget and will always be very careful about using contraception consistently and correctly. I’m really just so grateful that it was an option for me. Thanks for your candid post, Penelope.
Great post. Appreciate the honesty about such a personal issue.
We already control a woman’s body with other laws. A pregnant woman can be jailed for taking illegal drugs jeopardizing her unborn baby. There are many such laws. I believe in a woman’s right to choose not to keep a baby after it is born. She does not have the right to kill it for convenience. We have had mothers kill their children after they are born because of post partum depression. Using your logic, why jail or prosecute them? They were exercising their right to choose according to your logic. Her rights stop at someone elses.
Giving up an unwanted child after delivery is a positive solution to an unwanted pregnancy.
If we killed an unwanted pupppy by dismembering it like we do with unwanted babies, all of the rights activists would put you under the jail. Destroying a non-viable eagle egg involves a $10,000 fine and a 5 year jail sentence. When we give more protection to unborn babies than we do unborn eagles, then we will have a civilized society.
In biblical times, people sacrificed unwanted babies on a bonfire in a blood sacrifice to the false god Moloch. They threw the babies alive on that bonfire, just as we dismember babies in the womb without even giving the child anaesthetic. How would you like to be hacked to pieces without even an anaesthetic?
Hey, thanks for posting this. I have an 18 month old daughter whom I had in my last semester of undergraduate school with a man I had been with for only 6 months. He and I are not together anymore, and my career is just starting to blossom. Many of my friends are still totally wreckless, whereas I have a sense of self respect and direction that I think is uncommon, largely thanks to my daughter. I agree, kids make your life challenging wherever you are, and your dreams are always possible. I admire your strength, and don’t be hard on yourself for making tough choices. Maybe you having the peace of mind that you can provide for your kids makes you more present as a mom than you would have been before.
Wow! Your transparency and willingness to look at all sides of this issue is impressive. Would that more people were willing to address this issue as fearlessly as you have.
I’d love to see a follow-up post with more of your reflections on this. In particular, I’d love to know if, looking back, you feel like you got full information from the medical community who provides abortions.
I remember a few years back I saw some photos online of what I thought was a stack of doll parts. It turns out that it was photos from an abortion done at about 19 weeks, with chubby little arms and legs sitting on a medical tray. I did more research about what exactly babies look like at various stages of development, and became outraged. When I was active in pro-choice circles, *nobody* talked out this. There was all this rhetoric about women being intelligent people capable of making informed decisions, yet almost zero encouragement to actually be informed. I don’t blame the average pro-choice activist, most of whom I think have good intentions, but I think that there is an ominous withholding of information from women by the pro-choice medical community. A lot of my friends who have had abortions (many of whom I personally encouraged and helped have abortions) later expressed regret that they were not fully informed on what exactly was going on in the procedure.
Anyway, since you always have intelligent and honest takes on things, I’d be interested to hear your perspective on this.
Wow. This is the first time I’ve read your blog, and I really appreciate your honesty in raising this issue. My story is that I had an abortion at 17, when I was still in high school. I guess you could say that was for my “career”, but at that age it was really more about just wanting to have the opportunity to go to college and have whatever future was ahead of me. I can honestly say that I never, ever had second thoughts or regrets about that abortion and never thought of the fetus as a baby. 25 years later, I now have 2 children and have thought back to that time and wondered, now that I know the joy and love of being a parent, whether I wish I had made a different decision, but the answer is no. I’m very comfortable with my decision. I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
That said, I couldn’t agree more with your post as it relates to children and careeer. There is no perfect time to have kids and there are always ways to acheive your dreams, even if you have kids.
Thanks for opening up such a lively discussion.
This it the first time I am reading your blog as well. I’m glad you wrote about this because many women I know have an abortion for the same reasons you did. I agree with you. There is no perfect time to have children. My son was unplanned and I can compare my pre-baby and post-baby mindset. You can make it work, just like any other challenges you face. If I had to plan my pregnancy, I don’t think I would have ever come around to having children. I’m glad I didn’t have to make that decision.
I think there is great wisdom in the comments that there is never a “good time” to have kids, but I believe that every child is a wonderful unique human being who deserves the right to be born. As Mother Teresa said, “It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you live as you wish”.
In case it matters: Penelope, thank you for this. I was greatly moved and inspired by what you wrote here. Seriously, thank you.
What about adoption? Why is this so rarely considered? What a blessing to those unable to have children, and you could still continue with a career.
To have killed 2 babies, and to be writing about it in this manner is so very, very sad. Equally sad are all the people who write in, lauding your choice, amny of them attempting to assuage their own sin.
You need, as do we all, a Savior. I pray that you will find a relationship with Jesus Christ, and be completely and utterly saved.
You would think that after going through one abortion and the nightmare you had to go through, you would use a condom or birth control so as not to go through that again. The first time, anyone can make a mistake, the second, it’s neglectful. But you are right, there is never a perfect time for children and they always cause a lot more work, especially with your career. But after you have your child, you can’t imagine a life without him or her. I work with many seniors for my job and they may have huge houses and lots of money from a successful career, but if they didn’t have any children, they usually end up lonely in life. When their spouse dies, it’s only their children who will make sure they are okay, who will get them groceries when they can’t drive anymore, who will visit them in the hospital after a hip or knee replacement and who will take them to their house for Christmas dinner. A career/business long forgets you once you hit retirement age, and some forget you well before that. If we have seen anything in this economy, it’s that careers are not necessarily there from one day to the next. Don’t choose your career over an unborn child if you can. You’ll realize one day, the love you received from a cut throat job never measured up to the potential amount of love that baby would have given you.
I’ve noticed that most of the people insulting you here are men…and I wonder, if everything was reversed and it were men who had to carry a baby for nine months and then go through the pain of labour for a baby they didn’t even want, what would they do? Hmm…
Doh! You got us. It’s all about your gender.
Of course it isn’t a byproduct of the advice “you can’t plan a family” which is so naive as to be dangerous.
Do you realize that there are over 600,000 children in foster homes in the US with about 100,000 available for adoption. No, you didn’t – maybe with a bit better planning there would be less children in foster homes?
Sure PT is a great writer and the story is engaging, but if you are here for career advice, then it doesn’t matter how PT writes, but what she writes, and what she has written here is just plain wrong.
THANK YOU. The way you write about this difficult experience is so eloquent, and very much on point! I have had two, and I am in complete agreement with you. Despite all of our efforts to avoid conception, sometimes it just happens, and I am grateful to have lived in a time when the abortion option was still available. And that’s exactly what it is… an option. A choice. If you don’t like abortion, then don’t have one! Duh! With each passing year, I see the option becoming more compromised; bit by bit, they are chipping away at a woman’s last resort. One of my favorite novels, The Misconceiver
, paints a sobering picture of the future.
Every couple years, I re-read that book and thank my lucky stars that I had the option — safe and legal — when I needed it the most.
Best to you. Keep up the good writing!
I will be gushing again; it must be Friday. :)
Thanks for this post. I don’t believe I will ever understand the thoughts and feelings behind these decisions because I am a man. But, I appreciate the description and effort to write about the topics that you broach.
I am sure you are aware that there will always be hate email and comments. And, the number of hateful comments will likely be higher than the positive ones just because it is easier to get worked up and write something potential hurtful with negative emotions. So, here is one positive posting to suggest that what you have written is quite valuable to those random and subscribed people that read your blog. In all cases, thinking is good.
What a crass and selfish woman. Your 20s are over, get over it.
comments like yours prove that not only are you not reading this post word-for-word (or can, but have difficulty with comprehension), but that an amazing volume of people who wouldn’t want judgment foist upon them have managed to mouth off about what a terrible person p.t. is for her decisions.
not only is p.t. aware that her “20s are over”, she’s also sharing the agony that any (perhaps) every woman has in approaching a decision like this–and how that may or may not change with age and experience. the men in her life did not step up and say they’d stay home with a baby to help, nor did they implore her to stay home with said baby while they went out to earn enough to support a family.
no doubt you are all without sin. i have pity on your wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers, and children whom you clearly view through the same lens.
Doesn’t it all boil down to viewing your life as more important than the life of your baby?
I am 26. I have had abortions-when I was 18 and 19. I had no car no money and I was a stripper. Now I have 2 kids at 26 and I want more. I have a great career as an entepreneur. There is not one single day in the past 8 years that I don’t think about the abortions that I had. I was raised prochoice-my mom had half a dozen abortions. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself completely and I will never forget my babies. I beleive in reincatnation and all that but I gave up the one thing that makes me woman: the ability to protect my babies. Sure, it would have been hard, but I probably would be in a better place now if I didn’t have the abortions, for one, I wouldnt have to live with all this guilt and sadness. I would have a differnt place in the world but that would be ok. If I could have my babies back. Having an abortion and living thru it is like watching a bad movie over and over again and hoping that the ending will be different but it never is. I carry on like a normal person. I am still a yuoung mother which has its disadvanges, seems like everyone is waiting now to have kids and I am all alone at 26 with two kids. My life is hard. I support my husband and two kids but I do it. Women really can do anything. We are superheros and we can have our babies and our careers and rock it out. More young moms in NJ please!! I cant take all the grandmas with newborns at all these playgroups and ballet class…Its weird
You have had two abortions?
Are you simply using abortion as a method of birth control?
Your latest Tweet about your recent miscarriage makes you sound like a cold, uncaring bitch.
However, that being said, most women who get abortions are upset about the choice and feel a sense of loss.
You talk about losing a life as if you are telling someone what you want for lunch.
This story is nothing short of tragic. It makes me want to cry for those two innocent souls murdered in the womb. Yes, I believe abortion is murder. It is the taking of an innocent life, and in the most barbaric of ways. Those of you who have not researched the various types of abortion really should. I guarantee it will give you a new perpective when you see the child’s remains reassembled like a gruesome puzzle. Little eyes closed, after going through a torturess death, never to open. Little mouth curled into a frown, never to smile. A little lost unwanted child never to be loved and rocked to sleep.
Abortion should be illegal. Period. Few exceptions notwithstanding (and no, not rape, but certain death of the mother) abortion should be illegal, taboo, not at all tolerated. This country needs to get back to adoption services and support for those who need it…not making sure there is a slaughterhouse on every corner meant for unwanted children. Sick sick sick.
At least you are willing to admit that you killed 2 of your children for your career. That was a huge price for those children to pay. It’s one thing to lay down your life voluntarily for someone else. It’s quite another to have your life taken away for something as unimportant someone’s career aspirations.
When you get older I suspect you will have a different perspective on killing two of your children for your career. At least I hope you will.
I’m sorry you had such a terrible mother.
PT, you said:
“Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.”
This describes me!! I do have a deep drive within me to change the world, lead a revolution, and break new barriers. Thank you for saying it so eloquently. Though I was educated and began a career, once I married and started having children, I decided that THAT was the revolution that I was going to give myself to – raising my children, breaking barriers, and as I’ve heard it said, “changing the world, one diaper at a time”.
It may sound mundane, to embrace motherhood as fully as I have (quitting my job 19 years ago and never looking back) but I can tell you personally what an amazing ride it has been for me, my husband, and my kids. I’ve given my blood, sweat, and tears to them – giving birth to nine great kids in our almost 20 years of marriage, and I have educated them at home from the beginning. That is my little revolution, going against the grain of society to educate my kids in the best way possible for them. Our kids have thrived academically, socially, and spiritually. I have experienced great joy and fulfillment in seeing my kids from kindergarten through high school (with our first graduating early and excelling in college now), seeing now the fruit of my ambitions to love these kids, form these kids, and change the world with these kids. And have a ton of fun with these kids!!
PT, I write mostly to point out to you and maybe some of your readers that many of us women (Type A, are we?) have the same type of ambitions that you do, we have just chosen different paths in which to pursue the fulfillment of them. The feminine experience of motherhood has been the pinnacle of my life so far. I do grieve the loss of your two babies to abortion; we obviously are on different ends of the spectrum where that is concerned. But mother those two children you do have with all you’ve got – they are your true legacy in this world.
This is to Brenda who was 16, pregnant and homeless and to the others who claim that there is no help for pregnant women who don’t want to be.
I worked with Birthright who provides clothes, food etc and can even find homes for the pregnant women if need be.
There are many other such organizations if you truly want help and don’t want to have an abortion.
They will also connect you with an adoption agency or a lawyer for adoptive parents who will pay all of the bills and support the woman as well. There are vey positive answers if you want positive answers other than killing an innocent baby which is definitely a negative answer.
Where is the baby’s “choice”?
Dear John Wilder-
When I was in that situation the only person that offered me help was the man that drove me to the clinic and paid for the abortion.
I wish I would have known about birthright-I used it later on with another pregnancy
The problem is I didnt know about it until I was 23.
So no I wasn’t offered help by that orginazation or any others at the time
I miss my baby every single day-but I didn’t have any resources or anyone offering me help at the time
So, maybe orginazations like yours need to do a little more work to help the women that truly need their help the most.
Saying I killed a baby doesn’t make a difference at this point-years later
I am very sad about my baby but at 16 I didnt see another option-those that were out there were not visible to me.
When I think of all the things in the world that need to be changed and how I can help, the last solution I could fathom would be to bring more people into it. I’m glad you’re a great parent to your kids, but it’s not the same as building a career and most men are not willing or able to financially support a family on one income alone. I’m so glad to not be a parent and I wish more women would take advantage of that option, instead using resources and ambition to support the humans already alive on this planet. Family planning (yes, including abortion) is really the solution to most of the social ills in this world. Dedicating a career to that cause is the most altruistic choice I can think of.
Killing people is the way to fix the world’s injustice? that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Two wrongs most definitely do not make a right, and you are insane.
I support both of my kids on my income alone. It isn’t easy but as a mom I do what I gotta do. And I have had abortions and I would do anything in the world to have my babies back. Abortion isn’t easy and it is the worst decision I have ever made. Abortions isnt the answer but maybe on the other spectrum people shouldn’t get to live to be so old. that is unnatural and so is abortion.
Linda, at this point most of the European countries are at negative population growth, and the US is not far behind. We are not replacing ourselves – less than 2 kids per married couple. Check the stats. If more people like you don’t have kids, our population as we know it will dwindle and disappear. I’m not saying the whole human race will disappear, no, because the Muslims are the ones who ARE populating the European countries and the Hispanics are responsible for any population growth in the US. I couldn’t put the attachment on here, but if you google “Demographic Storm” you’ll see a short but very enlightening video clip on this issue. I am certainly not anti-Muslim or anti-Hispanic – just giving you the statistics of what the population of the world may look like in 50 years if Americans and Europeans continue their downward trend in having children. I am not an alarmist, but we really need to put aside the myths of the ZPG people already.
I also am not saying that people like you should have children if you don’t want to be a parent. Obviously. But I strongly disagree with you that family planning is the solution to most of the social ills in this world. Honey, abortion IS one of the biggest social ills in this world. As Mother Teresa so rightly said, “It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.” The breakdown of the family is one of the causes of many social ills, and there are many other causes that I won’t belabor here because this is not my space.
Well writ…you have taken on one of those things we all love to sweep under the carpet.
I’ve had two abortions, and I have children as well. I did not have abortions because of my career, but because of other life circumstances. But what does it matter WHY I did it? I am a woman who is legally entitled to make decisions about my body and life, including reproductive decisions. Other peoples opinions *don’t matter* because they are not living my life. Plain and simple.
AND, I do not feel guilty or think about the fetuses I terminated. That is a myth, that it haunts you the rest of your life.
amazing that the same people who want “government out” of their lives, whine about a “nanny state”, want no intervention between a patient and doctor, and support pointless war efforts have no problem professing to know what’s best for women and children in this country. until you come up with a bright solution for the millions of unwanted and/or abused children here (including loving, housing, and educating them), no amount of your moral grandstanding will change the fact that there is a federal law that protects a woman’s right to choose–for whatever circumstances helps form her decision to do so.
this runs so contrary to the free market/pull up your bootstraps admonishments to the under-served. waving the fetus-flag only bolsters your self-righteousness.
got sin?
If a law was passed dropping the age of consent to zero would you be so happily compliant and would you be so mocking of people who tried to show others that such a law was failing to protect innocent and vulnerable children from the selfish self gratification of adults?
Yes it is a sad fact that abortion has been made legal and it is the right of every citizen who believes this act of violence is harmful to mother child and society to voice this view.Just as in Hitler’s Germany every citizen who thought it wrong that Jewish citiens were deprived of their citizenship rights, their access to certain professions and schools of learning and to owning property had a duty to speak out against such injustice.
You and I write from the luxurious perspective of having had our right to life upheld by Law. Thousands upon thousands of vulnerable babes in the womb have had that right denied by the Law and have been reduced to the level of a disposable asset.Babes in the womb have become the new “slavea” of the 21st century .They are killed if deemed unfit or an economic burden or simply inconvenient to the “owner”.
Not all owners take this action willingly.Many are frightened feel powerless and have no visible support or encouragement to help them resist the culture of death that surrounds them.They feel hopeless and trapped.
Organisations like the Right to Life” offer encouragement and support and hope. Whilst those who did end up having abortions and feel empty and unsettled can go to Rachel’s Vineyard for help.
I don’t believe in sin, I’m an atheist. However, I do believe there are such things in this world as absolute wrong and absolute right, and I’d have to say that paying a doctor to kill one’s child is most definitely an absolute wrong. What exactly is so great about the children you allowed to live that kept you from killing them as you did the ones you “terminated” through abortion? Why should such arbitrary lines which separate “it’s ok to kill THIS one of your offspring, but not the others who are only slightly older” be allowed to be drawn?
YOUR body and YOUR circumstances have nothing to do with the innate humanity of the life all women carry inside them when pregnant. And don’t tell me “you can’t ever possibly hope to understand a pregnant woman in a bad situation!” because I’ve been a pregnant woman in a bad situation: single, pregnant, with people who would kick me out of the only place I had to call home if they found out I was pregnant, and a boyfriend pressuring me to kill our child. Oh well. THOSE circumstances had and have no effect whatsoever on the FACT that my daughter was and is another human being who had and has every right to live (under good circumstances and bad) just as I do.
Bravo, Linda! Very well said.
I just wish more people would look past themselves and acknowledge the lives they’ve helped to create, and think about whether they would want to be allowed to have and live the lives they now possess when pregnant and considering abortion. Life can be very bad, and hard to get through. But, it can also be very good, and a wonderful thing. Most times, those two aspects of life abound together, and it is easy for people to think of their lives, and how tough the lives of their children might be after they are born, but in this thinking they completely exclude the good which comes with the bad, and what they perceive as an act of mercy in some cases becomes a deprivation of the essence of all that is wonderful in the world to another human.
This post is interesting. I want to offer some much-needed facts to the pot since people have gotten so emotional. None of this is to Penelope, but to the general discussion.
Fact: Even in Biology 101 we learn that biologists consider the event of self-directed cell-division to be a defining and rudimentary aspect of biological life. This happens almost immediately after conception.
Fact: Upon conception the fertilized egg has 46 chromosomes and a unique DNA profile every bit as complete as a full grown adult.
Fact: Within 18-21 days the human that some of you are saying isn’t “alive” has a microscopic pulsing heart. (We used to define death as the cessation of a heartbeat)
Fact: Within 40-45 days the tiny human has recognizable brain impulses. (We now define death as the cessation of brain activity)
Fact: Within 8 weeks the baby has recognizable (albeit not fully developed) eyes, ears, hands, fingers, feet, and toes). Medical doctors have noted that babies at this stage respond to physical stimuli within the womb.
Some of you have commented that a life doesn’t begin until it can sustain itself. Please think things through a little more carefully – This is Disgusting. I watched my grandfather slowly die on life support. He could not “sustain” his own life – But he regained consciousness a few times and interacted with us (and no he wasn’t in terrible pain – we asked). Premature babies have been delivered and lived as early as 23 weeks – none of them can sustain their own lives – they require around the clock care for months. Are they people? Should they have rights? Or maybe they don’t fit your definition.
Others have commented that it’s like a patient needing a kidney transplant – there’s no obligation to allow the child to “use the mother’s uteris.” This is also disgusting. I see homeless people all the time. I can help them or not – that’s my right. But parents have a legal and moral obligation to ensure the safety and wellbeing of their children. I’m not obligated to give a stranger my kidney – they may find another donor. But a mother is Morally and Legally Obligated to provide the safety of her uteris to her own child. Why? Because not doing so ensures the child’s death.
No one should have the right to force a woman to have a child – I support a woman’s right to choose whether she has a child.
But once you are pregnant, You Have A Child.
And being a woman does not give you the right to decide whether another Human Being lives or dies.
This is not a women’s rights issue. It is a Human Rights Issue.
If you respond, please only respond to facts. I don’t care about your political, religious, or other views.
FACT: What you describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘legal and moral obligations’, ‘ human rights issue’ , etc are your opinions. Not facts. STFU.
I am so sorry you had no support stystem around you. Coming from a family who has 4 adoptions, your dead children could have been so loved by another family. Thanks for sharing your story.
To Graeme,
I didn’t say the legal and moral obligations I mentioned were facts. Yes those are my opinionns…Based On The Facts. Do you have any logical, mature answers to the FACTS I used to support my opinions, or are you satisfied to just tell people who disagree with you to “STFU”? That’s pretty comical.
@Jason
Apologies if my first reply was too subtle. I shall try to be more explicit this time.
Facts, by their very nature, are not disputable. They can’t be discussed or responded to. The only possible recourse is to acknowledge them. Regarding you second post: they are also not questions so I’m not sure how you expect me to provide answers.
As for your slur on my character, I have no problem with people holding a different view to mine. I do object to being preached to in a ranting diatribe, full of randomly capitalised words (it’s confusing enough when reading German but at least that’s only nouns).
You also claim a desire to participate in a discussion of the points raised in a post that ends with the sentence “I don’t care about your … views”.
Now that’s comical.
Graeme,
Let me be as “explicit” as possible.
As far as my “preaching,” “ranting” “diatribe,” I suggest you look at some of the other long comments – that’s kind of what this has become – a debate.
As for my “slur” of your character, I merely respond to your telling me to “STFU” and you consider it a “slur”? Sorry but, once again this is comical.
And it wasn’t preaching as I used no religious arguments. It was a well-thought-out statement of my stance based on Facts (there’s those caps again…sorry)
All I asked for was the same in return (which I guess is too much to ask) instead of emotional non-fact based whining.
And no, if you don’t have any logical reasons for supporting infanticide, I still don’t give a damn about any political, religious, or other views you have that aren’t based on reason.
If that offends you, go to a feminist rally where everyone agrees with you without question as long as you hate men and helpless human life. (There’s those “slurs” again.)
I murdered my child. A child I wanted. A child I was too afraid to stand up to my parents (along with the father) and keep. I was so afraid I went and had protesters shove tiny plastic fetus replicas into my palm, while my father cleared a path into the clinic. I walked away from my father and boyfriend terrified into the room, and laid on a table, metal rods were inserted into my body while I lay shaking, to dilate my cervix enough to let the doctor suck my living baby out of my body in ripped apart pieces. While I laid on the table crying quietly and repeating in my head like a chant, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Sorry I wasn’t strong enough to sit up, say NO, and find a way on my own. I have 3 children, but I am a mother of 4. And I murdered my child that day. I will never, ever completely forgive myself, and I don’t think I should.
Seek God’s forgiveness first and He will heal your aching heart and to be able to fully love your living family you need to seek healing. Why not contact “Rachel’s Vineyard” they are a wonderful organisation offering support for post abortion trauma and depression.God Bless
Dear Child of God,
Take your burden of regret, grief and pain to Jesus.He knows how frightened you were and He can forgive and heal anyone who asks for His mercy and compassion.Do not be afraid God loves you so deeply.Turn to Him you will not be disappointed I will keep you in my prayers
God Bless
Great post!
I’ve had 1 abortion that I only talk about to those close to me. Here is part of my experience:
I don’t regret it, but I never thought that it would haunt me to this day. Similar to your experience, I have not forgotten the man I had the abortion with. The difference is, he’s the reason I’m so thankful I had the abortion. Although he never realized it, he was/is borderline abusive and to think of sharing anything with him now makes me cringe. We don’t keep in contact, which suits me fine, and there is no doubt in my mind that keeping the baby would have changed my life for the worse in my particular situation. I have since met a wonderful man that I want to share a life with, who I’m not sure I would have met if I had decided to have the baby. Who really knows?
The only thing that has surprised me is how much I have thought about the baby I killed. I don’t know if I’ve mourned this baby enough. My fiance has helped me grieve, but as you mentioned, it won’t leave me.
Thank you for being so frank about your experiences in your blog. It really helps :)
You don’t “regret” the abortion; however it still “haunts” you. You’re surprised how much you “have thought” about the “baby” you “killed”. But the father of the BABY YOU KILLED “was/is borderline abusive”? Look of the word abusive Darlene.
REALITY CHECK!!!!
I am not sure which line of thinking to respond to first – the one about the need to maintain abortion as safe and legal – that it isn’t an easy choice, but an essential one. Or do I respond to the reality that society does very little to support professional women, creating this construct in our thinking that you can’t be a parent and a professional.
I have experienced all these things, I had an abortion at 30 – mostly because the father was horrible and I was in a bad place in my life – I am everyday glad that I made that choice. It was’t a simple choice, but it was the right choice.
Now I have a professional career – two children and tons of responsibility. I am always tired, always working (whether at home or at work), and feel as if there is little support out there for raising healthy, happy children.
Any woman who chooses to never kill an unborn child is a soon-to-be Professional Mother working at one of the most important careers in this world.
http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/
“Now I have a professional career – two children and tons of responsibility. I am always tired, always working (whether at home or at work), and feel as if there is little support out there for raising healthy, happy children.”
Oh, you have little support, and your children might not be happy? Have you considered aborting them?
I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career. And here I am, with the amazing career. But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don't need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.
This is what I wish every woman on the planet could understand. Drive is what motivates people to walk on the moon, become President of the United States, be a mom of six kids, or be a mom and the PTA president. One of my best friends has three boys and she’s working on her master’s in Library Sciences while her husband finishes up his PhD in Chinese Modern History. They have always wanted kids and they knew that kids would be stressful on their studies and their finances, but they LOVE their children. Their passion for their family and their education drives them to succeed! They work hard at being a family, they work hard at their studies.
So many times we’re talked into thinking that everything is either/or. My mom was the same way. Don’t be a housewife. Get a job. Don’t depend on a man. Don’t have kids too young. Don’t don’t don’t. I appreciate my mother’s feminism and encouragement, but at the same time I wonder what I might have missed out by not having kids when I was in my 20s. I’m 34 now and my husband and I have decided that after 12 years of marriage that we don’t want children. But don’t get me wrong – that voice of my mother’s was in my head a lot telling me, No, no kids now you don’t have enough money. No, no kids now you don’t have a good enough job. No kids now you’ll be stuck home cleaning the house and cooking dinner. Well, I don’t cook at all and I don’t clean the house either.
While I wish you hadn’t gotten abortions, I know what it’s like to listen to too many people talking at the same time and not necessarily being able to listen to yourself because you’re afraid or you don’t know what to do, I do feel like you are blessed with your two children. Apparently the universe is forgiving and understanding and loving and still thought you able to be a good mom.
As the sole breadwinner in my family (hubby’s been unemployed for 18 months), with a 16-month-old and another on the way, struggling through morning sickness to make it through my day, I do sometimes wonder how I will manage to advance my career at this rate! Thank you for your encouragement. It is not easy for women to integrate family and work, but it is easier when we can talk about it. Thank you too for sharing, and I’m sorry you had to go through a tough time to come to this place.
Penelope your story is heartfelt and real, thank you for writing
Penelope – Your writings admit you realize abortion is killing a human being. However, you continue to believe that making a decision to kill a human is sometimes OK. In your own words you say you had to make a choice between “either losing all that or killing a baby.” Should this have really been a choice? In the process of killing your baby you lost a lot more that “all that”. You can make positive differences in our world based on your past mistakes. Please consider other ways of thinking on the abortion issue . . . we are out here praying for you. Merry Christmas and God Bless You and Your Family
I recently had an abortion and reading this made me very emotional all over again.
I am 28, self-employed building up my business.
so getting pregnant was not planned and in an early stage of a relationship. He didn’t want it and made it clear also by running away.
and there you are, alone and pregnant with 2 babies.
As you wrote the emotional side grows rapidly but in reality I would be stuck with 2 kids to care of by myself!
So in doubt of my own capabality I had the abortion.
Not a day goes by that I think of it.
I got many replies from women that said “once you have them it will all work out”, but I think it is different for every personal situation and for sure the hardest thing I ever had to go through!
I am so sorry Wendy that you doubted your capabilities and were not directed to a supportive network that would help you make a decision that you would not later regret. (People sometimes run away/pass away after the baby is born also but this shouldn’t be a factor in the remaining parent doing what it right for the child).
I noticed your language in reference to children –“stuck with 2 kids”. This language is an example of the spiraling further and further down of disrespect for the most vulnerable people in our society. I’m truly sorry if your parent(s) ever felt stuck with you because you are a wonderful gift to the world.
Children are blessings and gifts also not “baggage” as I also hear people refer to them. Calling the legalized abortion movement “pro-choice” rather than what it truly is (staunchly “pro-abortion”) is like calling a strip joint a “gentlemen’s club.” The language we choose to use helps soften the reality of our thinking and actions.
If a couple find themselves unwillingly pregnant, they have already made a choice (excluding of course rape, incest or those that sincerely do not know what behaviors lead to pregnancy). Should this couple now trust themselves to make the right choice after obviously so recently making the wrong one? Abortion does not empower; having the courage and integrity to make the right choice after the wrong one will.
Abortion has not and will never cure the issue of unplanned pregnancies. It further covers up poor self-control and decision-making issues. We’ve all heard people publicly talk about how proud they are of their children, even those who had unplanned children, are low-income or single. I’ve never heard anyone openly talk about how proud they are their abortion(s).
The choice to become a parent begins at the time of conception. If anyone reading this does not think they are ready to raise a child — born or not — please look into the programs that will direct you to people who are more than willing to help make life-affirming decisions.
Planned Parenthood: Plans that will assist you in becoming the proud parents of dead children.
I would personally like to express my kudos to Barb. I would point out that Planned aParenthood is in no position to counsel women on abortion. Abortion services is their biggest cash cow. The make millions of dollars a year executing innocent babies as legal hit women and hit men.
John, if you are a man of your words and convictions yet let thousands of babies be MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD,
then that makes you either a hypocrite or coward.
Of course it is easy to have moral positions that end at the keyboard. May I suggest that you work with some of the 400,000 kids in the US that are up for adoption? Maybe, you know, give them a dollar while you head to your church. Or perhaps you could be a big-brother?
But I doubt you’d do that, I liken you much more for one of those people who waits for women outside a clinic and calls them “murders”. You won’t look into their eyes, you won’t walk in their shoes and you won’t stand up for your beliefs.
Great job, I’m sure God is smiling down at you.
Will you show collasal ignorance. Every person that I have ever known has given generously of their time in various means to help women with unplanned pregnancies. No, I don’t shout murder at abortion clinics. What I have done, is yes been a big brother. I have given a lot of time to Birthright who gives free baby clothes cribs, financial help etc to unwed mothers.
I wrote the most extensive bible study on abortion that was sent to all 35,000 Southern Baptist Churches. I also sponsored the resolution that the Southern Baptist Convention adopted changing them from pro choice to pro life in 1980 from which they have never backed down.
I was a national leader in the movement speaking on radio, television and newspaper interviews. In spite of all of that, I still don’t feel like I have done enough.
Don’t ever accuse a pro lifer of not doing anything about the problem, that is the purvue of the liberals who want the government to pay for abortions. March of Dimes stamps out birth defects by counseling women to have abortions for example. Then you talk negatively about Sarah Palin who chose to have her Downes syndrome child instead of having an abortion. She lives what she believes as do all other pro lifers.
For the record, I have never heard a mother saying that she regrets having a child that was conceived in tough circumstances, but there are tens of thousands of womenh who regret having abortions.
John you faith is on display here. 4000 babies being killed each day and you felt so strongly that you wrote a memo…..
Of course it is easy to point out that Southern Baptists embraced Roe vs. Wade when it came out. But as you pointed out, that changed in 1980 (when they got your memo).
And of course you can’t address the question of “how to punish a woman (if she has an abortion and abortion is illegal).”
Add this to the Southern Baptist’s stance on homosexuality and capital punishment and I understand where you are coming from.
IMHO, God didn’t create me to be a slave to the letter of the Bible, I actually consider PEOPLE when I look at these situations and not a simple book that has caused millions of deaths over history (yeah, let’s kill the unbelievers).
The sad thing is that you cannot see beyond your own biases. God gave us minds to think, and compassion. What you want is obedience. But that obedience can shift 180 degrees (like it did on abortion). BECAUSE YOU ARE A HUMAN INTERPRETING WHATEVER YOU WANT FROM THE BIBLE. Human, that is you, pretending to uphold the bible? What about Christ? “how many times should I forgive?” “seventy times seven”.
So wash those scales from you eyes and try to understand the real pain you (YOU!) cause, but you can’t because abstract ‘life’ is more important than real people.
4000 babies die each day and you wrote a memo, how is that not hypocrisy?
Your scorn and derision are palpable.
Tell me in what way can I stop the 4,000 abortions a day? We have multiple effective means of birth control and sex education and yet girls still get pregnant through their own irresponsibility and then kill their babies with more irresponsiblity.
Please enlighten me with your wisdom and correct my faulty thinking.
As to punishing mothers who kill their unborn children, I have no problem with putting them in jail. PETA would demand that if someone killed a puppy the same way that they kill unborn babies, ripping them apart without evgen using anasethesia that the perpetrators be put in jail. Look at Michael Vick. Isn’t it sad that this society protects dogs more than they protect human beings?
Very thought provoking…really spanning the spectrum of the issues. It’s so easy to be judgmental when you’ve never been alone and pregnant. I’ve never had an abortion…I did however have a son at 20 and have raised him on my own. I’m amazed at some of the replies on here. When you have no support from family or your boyfriend it is a terrifying situation. And I don’t care what anyone says it’s a hard road. For 24 hours I was so upset because I was convinced I had to have an abortion… I never saw any other choice until I opened up to friends/ family and it made things so much easier because they supported me and my feelings. I got to make the choice to have my son and keep him without pressure and I am grateful for that every day. I also relate when you say you don’t know if your life would be much different if you had not aborted. There are so many choices I’ve made that in retrospect would have lead me to the same place if I had chosen differently. Sometimes I’m sad that I don’t have the “typical” American life I thought I would…but the one I’ve got has turned out pretty darn amazing.
When I was 20 and pregnant my boyfriend at the time left the state (!!), and I was too young, naive, proud, and scared to go after him for any support. It has definitely been a struggle, but now at 32 I am half way through a masters degree at the #2 University for my field (Syracuse – MSLIS) and have been working at Yale University for nearly 7 years, and the Red Cross for 5 years before that.
I’ve also just landed a dream job while I’m wrapping up my degree. Not too shabby of a career so far, and my future’s looking pretty bright as well. I also plan on getting a second master’s once this one is finished. I guess I feel if someone wants to have a career and be successful badly enough, having a kid is not going to deter you…sure it might be more work, but in my opinion a little hard work never hurt anyone, and in fact my situation has gained me more respect than I would ever have imagined, and an heightened ability to multi-task and think on my feet; qualities highly valued in the business world.
Plus, I still have a full life (!!!) – I go out to dinner weekly, travel 5-10 times a year (Europe, Canada and throughout the States), and visit my boyfriend in Boston at least two weekends a month. I read, write, see shows, visit museums, and record music.
To top it off, my son is brilliant, funny, and has a HUGE heart. He keeps me motivated and has opened up whole new worlds for me…I’m totally artsy and he’s a math/science sort so it’s been fun sharing our interests and learning new things. It has been a crazy ride but my situation has pushed me to be even better and more successful than I imagined.