What’s the connection between abortion and careers?
I have had two abortions.
The first one was when I was twenty-seven. I was playing professional beach volleyball. I was playing volleyball eight hours a day and I spent two hours a day at the gym. I noticed that I was getting tired more easily, but I thought it meant I needed to train harder.
Then one weekend, a doctor friend on a visit saw me drop a plate one day, and a vase the next. I told her my hands just gave out because they were so tired.
She said I was anemic. Then she said, “Maybe you're pregnant.”
“I'm not,” I said. “I have a regular period.”
It turns out, though, that you can have a regular period and still be pregnant.
And I was. Fourteen weeks.
My friend said, “Schedule the abortion now. You're already late for it.”
I didn't do anything. I was in shock. My boyfriend was in shock. Neither of us had ever had a pregnancy. I couldn't believe the whole process actually worked, to be honest.
I told my mom I was pregnant. She said, “Get an abortion.”
I didn't say anything. I wasn't really thinking I had any choices. I didn't have a job that could support a child. And I wasn't sure if I was planning to marry my boyfriend, although we were living together. I knew that I had big ideas for my life and I hadn't figured things out yet.
My mom got militant. “You'll destroy your career possibilities.”
She riffed on this theme for a week, calling me every night. Her passion is understandable. My mom took a job when I was young because she hated being home with kids. She endured interview questions like, “Does your husband want you away from home working?” She was one of the first women to become an executive at her Fortune 500 company. She blazed trails so I could have career goals that required an abortion to preserve.
Here's what else happened: Other women called. It turned out that many, many women I knew had had an abortion. This is not something women talk about. I mean, I had no idea how ubiquitous the procedure was, at least in my big-city, liberal, Jewish world.
Each of those women told me that I should get an abortion so that I could keep my options open. “You're a smart girl. You can do anything with your life right now. Don't ruin it.”
My boyfriend was laying low. He was no slouch when it came to pro-choice politics and he knew it was, ultimately, my decision.
But the minute I said I would get an abortion, he was driving me to Planned Parenthood.
You had to go once to set up the appointment, and then go back.
When I went back, I had a panic attack. I was on the table, in a hospital gown, screaming.
The nurse asked me if I was a religious Christian.
The boyfriend asked me if I was aware that my abortion would be basically illegal in seven more days.
I couldn't stop screaming. I was too scared. I felt absolutely sick that I was going to kill a baby. And, now that I know more about being a mother, I understand that hormones had already kicked in to make me want to keep the baby. We left. No abortion.
My boyfriend started panicking by suddenly staying really late at work and going out with friends a lot. I stopped playing volleyball because I got tired so quickly.
People kept calling me: They said, “Think about how you'll support the child. Think about what you'll do if your boyfriend leaves you. You're all alone in LA with no family. How will you take care of yourself?”
People gave me advice: Get a job. Once you have established yourself in a career, you'll feel much better about having kids. Figure out where you fit in the world. Get a job, then get married, and then have kids.
I scheduled another abortion. But it was past the time when Planned Parenthood will do an abortion. Now it was a very expensive one at a clinic that seemed to cater to women coming from Christian countries in South America. I knew that if I did not go through with it this time, no one would do the abortion. I was too far along.
So I did it.
I went to sleep with a baby and woke up without one. Groggy. Unsure about everything. Everything in the whole world.
People think abortion is such an easy choice–they say, “Don't use abortion as birth control.” Any woman who has had one will tell you how that is such crazy talk. Because an abortion is terrible. You never stop thinking about the baby you killed. You never stop thinking about the guy you were with when you killed the baby you made with him. You never stop wondering.
So the second time I got pregnant, I thought of killing myself. My career was soaring. I was 30 and I felt like I had everything going for me — great job, great boyfriend, and finally, for the first time ever, I had enough money to support myself. I hated that I put myself in the position of either losing all that or killing a baby.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. I knew what they'd say.
So I completely checked out emotionally. I scheduled the abortion like I was on autopilot. I told my boyfriend at the last minute and told him not to come with me.
He said forget it. He's coming with me.
I remember staring at the wall. Telling myself to stop thinking of anything.
The doctor asked me, “Do you understand what's going to happen?”
I said yes. That's all I remember.
I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.
I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.
And here I am, with the amazing career.
But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don't need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.
It doesn't matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won't create an earthquake underneath that confidence.
I think about the men I was with when I had the abortions. They were not bad men. One is my ex-husband. So much of life is a gamble, and I think I might have had as good a chance of staying together with the first guy as I did with my ex-husband. And I am not sure that my life would have turned out worse if I had had kids early. I am not sure it would have turned out better. I'm not even sure it would have been that different.
You never know, not really. There is little certainty. But there are some certain truths: It's very hard to have an abortion. And, there is not a perfect time to have kids.
And I wonder, are there other women out there who had abortions in the name of their career and their potential? What do those women think now?
New post please. If I wanted to watch the Jerry Springeshow, I would buy the re-runs on DVD at Wal-Mart. Thank God my mother was Catholic and not a baby butcher. Number five isn’t as common as it used to be, not even in 1976 after legal baby butchering was forced upon us by the Judicial Branch of our government.
I can recall a great Ronald Reagan quote, “I have noticed all the pro choice people have already been born.”
Enough said.
By the way, there is NOTHING more rewarding than a newborn. The first 17 days of baby Sophia have been incredibly awesome for us. Last night I proudly stayed up with her until 1am until her gas, temporarily, went away. All I can do is state, she is such an incredible gift from heaven!
Good for you! Not everyone was raised Catholic though.Some of us were raised by very prochoice women of the 80s.I have a baby sophia too and she is 6 months. I have a two year old. And I have had abortions. I wouldn’t be here if my mom didnt have an abortion. This is life. And baby butchers are the doctors-not the women who are scared and go to crisis center hoping for answers.. Be Catholic and get out there and help women not be in this situation-and I am talking about the 16 year old homeless girls like I was too. Where were all you Catholics then?
Penelope,
I have been a fan of yours for more than a year and truly enjoy the sincerity and brazenness (Chutzpah) with which you write.
As a woman in her early thirties I have often struggled with the choice to pursue my career or to have children.
Thank you so much for writing such a deeply personal post. I know that it may not be popular among all of your readers, but it is an important subject that few people talk about.
You are a brave woman!
> I love the dudes that complain about being an attention whore. They keep reading, don’t they?
We are using Penelope as a case study in Narcissistic personality disorder in my psychiatry classes, and as such I have to read her columns. This past spring I had to write a paper on her too. The class agreed that of all the people presented (Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, John Edwards, Bill and Hillary Clinton) she was the best example of mental imbalance and a disproportionate sense of being special.
That is aces. Kudos to your professor, John. But has he considered bipolar disorder as a differential diagnosis? P’s stated behavior lines up nicely with the DSM-IV criteria.
I was very torn reading this post. I commend you on your brutal honesty and ability to share a very private, emotional experience. On the other hand, my heart broke as I was reading. I do believe it is a woman’s choice and I know that I could never have an abortion. I know circumstances affect the choice of abortion and I really hold no judgement– my own mother has had an abortion. I do see the message within the post and I thank you for talking so openly about it.
Controversy aside, when you give up thing X for thing Y, then you are almost moving the value of thing X over to thing Y, so thing Y becomes even more important and you are even more driven because there’s more riding on it. So whatever sacrifices we make for our careers, that sacrifice adds weight to our career goals and then it’s like “I cannot fail or I would have given up this precious thing for nothing for nothing.” Luke 12;24 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also…
I don’t know you and never read your blog before today, having received this link from a facebook friend. I’m a father of 5 kids (one adopted), attend a conservative Christian church and voted Republican in every election. So I thought I knew what to expect as I started reading your post. I was wrong.
I recently reached a conclusion that many other “fundamentalist Christians” are reaching: the people having abortions are, in fact, people…not monsters. We can spend our time preventing them from having abortions, or we can try to find out why they feel the abortion is necessary. Your post helps shed light on that question by honestly talking about all the sides of the matter and not shading one way or another along traditional political lines. Maybe, if more people heard your story and your experience, they might conclude that it’s okay to have the child and also work on the career…or they might conclude that adoption is best, or they might conclude the path you took is best. But at least it would be based on some honest information.
Kudos to you for being honest, all the way around!
“I recently reached a conclusion that many other “fundamentalist Christians” are reaching: the people having abortions are, in fact, people – not monsters. We can spend our time preventing them from having abortions, or we can try to find out why they feel the abortion is necessary.”
Amen, Brent. I agree wholeheartedly. Though I have long felt we (Christians) are doing ourselves and our faith a disservice by politicizing certain issues including abortion. We can staunchly wage public campaigns against or for any moral issue, or we can try to reach out to people in the interest of wishing them better lives. I think it’s obvious how effective the former has been…
Great post, and great discussion. I am definitely pro-choice, but some of your commenters who are firmly against abortion really made some good points that made me think.
I’m not changing my position, but I’m impressed by how smart alot of your readers are. Usually, I view the “pro-life” group as screaming, foaming-at-the-mouth people who have no point.
But today, I really see where some of them are coming from, and it makes me only agree with Obama more: how can we work harder as a society to prevent unplanned pregnancy in the first place, so that few and fewer women have to even confront this particular gut-wrenching choice?
Dee, you’ve made a very good point about working together.
Just as you had preconceived views of all pro-lifers being “screaming, foaming-at-the-mouth,” so they have the same erroneous view of pro-choicers being heartless, selfish murderers.
I think preventing pregnancy should be a huge focus. We, as a society, should put a greater emotional value on sex. The media (and PT) would certainly help if they’d stop portraying sex as a casual, self-centered thing. Instead, it should elevated it to the meaningful, loving and sharing act it’s meant to be.
“We, as a society, should put a greater emotional value on sex. The media (and PT) would certainly help if they’d stop portraying sex as a casual, self-centered thing. Instead, it should elevated it to the meaningful, loving and sharing act it’s meant to be.”
Hear, hear, sophie.
I just found your twitter/blog today via Gina Trapani’s blog.
I am personally against abortion (though I’m not sure the government should try to ban it).
I think the best way to reduce abortions in this country is for people to talk about it – I imagine many women carry around the pain of wondering what could have been and whether they did the right thing.
What I’m most surprised about is how other women encouraged you to get one – I’m glad you are not encouraging anyone, but being honest about how they affected you negatively, and you look back thinking they weren’t necessary.
Thanks for adding to the public “conversation” about abortion by being honest about yours. I think many girls go in to get one not knowing anything about how it will affect them and more people need to speak out about how it did. Thanks.
Also, thanks for using the word “baby” and acknowledging that you were aware of the reality of what you were doing.
My own experience, described here, has made me anti-abortion while still pro-choice for the first trimester. I would like to see a combination of cultural and technological change (Plan B is a good example of the latter) make abortion obsolete. The trouble is that sex very importantly serves our own personal development and needs, but then we don’t take seriously enough its drive to create an irreplaceable life. The cultural change I would like to see is a more fearful awe of the latter and an awareness of how momentous it is every time an individual is conceived, therefore how tragic whenever an unknown individual is aborted . . . like my own son. (Readto see how I “knew” it was a son.)
One thing that I don’t think is discussed enough: abortion is often a judgment not only on the readiness of the mother, but on the worthiness of the father, or of the relationship with him. This is a biological judgment, more than it is a uniquely human one, and a psychologically conservative one in that it harks back to a time not so long ago when a woman could not really survive, economically or socially, as a single mother. Therefore, deciding to carry through a pregnancy or not was and still is often a judgment on whether the father measures up. Viewing the fetus as an individual in its own right that (given the unpredictability of genes) probably WON’T be the spitting image of Dad is something new. I don’t think I’m expressing this very well, but I tried to say in my post that humans have a choice between acting “like nature” or “like God,” and the latter holds true even for those who don’t believe in God! Nature sacrifices unique individuals all the time, as part of the crude sorting of natural selection. Abortion sometimes falls under the subset of “sexual selection” — refusing to pass on a male’s genes, however unfair that is to the offspring.
Wow, you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you are.
To me, the hardest thing to read was Penelope’s mom insisting on the abortion. It sounded like she was saying, “I let you live. It made my career difficult (but clearly not impossible). Don’t make the same mistake I did…”
It takes the “You were a mistake.” message to a whole new level. Ouch.
Penelope,
Thank you for sharing your story with such candor. I have found when talking to friends that there is always a bit of hesitation, as I before I bring up the topic with good friends, I still test them out to find out how they feel about the topic. I, unfortunately don’t know of (or haven’t yet found out) very many women with similar backgrounds to mine (MBA, professionals) having chosen to have abortions.
Whereas you requested on comments on having an abortion to preserve one’s career, I actually chose to have an abortion when I was a freshman in college. I do feel that I would not have had much of a career, or may not have pursued getting both my BA and MBA had I had the child. I knew my mother had taken the pill, and that she was a big supporter of Planned Parenthood, making annual donations. I had made the decision after my first sexual experience that if I got pregnant unintentionally, I would have an abortion. This made it easier for me to feel “emotionally checked out” when I actually was confronted with having to make the decision. I, too, was raised Jewish by a couple from Cleveland, another conservative Jewish community. Yet, although I knew all this about my mother’s pro-choice choices, I did not feel I could tell my parents. Despite being a nurse and doctor, they rarely talked to me about sex. When I got my period, I put pads down on the grocery list. That’s how my mom found out. She asked me to confirm, then went out and bought me a book, rather than explaining to me herself. My boyfriend supported me and drove me to my appointment, taking care of me afterwards. Whereas it’s true that you never forget the baby, or the guy, this blog has prompted me to wonder “If I HAD been able to talk to my parents, would I have made a different choice?” If I had known they would support me, no matter what, would I have felt that I could have my career and a child? I don’t know the answer to that. It’s been almost 20 years, and I haven’t tried to have children yet, but I know that I made the best decision I could have made for myself at the time.
There are two reoccurring comments that really amaze me.
Comment #1
“I got an an abortion because the father of the baby was a real monster.”
So why were you having sex with him?
Many of the comments above totally invalidate sex as an expression of love, rather it’s treated as a recreational activity. There’s nothing that affects our human emotions, life or death as much as sex does. It should never be taken lightly.
Comment #2
“I got an abortion because I never wanted to have kids.”
Then why not have your tubes tied? There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. But to create them, then destroy them…there’s definitely something wrong with that.
And what about the father’s rights? What about his emotional well-being? No one is saying much about him. What if he DID want to have kids? I guess I can see why some of the harshest comments against abortion have been made by men.
I wish it was that easy to have your tubes tied. It’s hard to find someone to do it if you’re young and haven’t had kids. Ridiculous, huh?
As for the father, he’s not the one that has to make 9+ months of sacrifice of birth the thing. If he’s going to be damaged by an abortion, he shouldn’t have sex with a woman who would have one. Personally, I think either parent should be able to opt -out- before the child is born – women have a last resort in abortion, but men do not. They are expected to be happy to pay for the child if the woman wants it. This is hypocrisy. Letting men get out would probably help curb the domestic violence rates against pregnant women. I know I’d rather kill myself than have a child, I can understand how trapped a man might feel. No one should be able to opt the other parent in.
“I wish it was that easy to have your tubes tied. It’s hard to find someone to do it if you’re young and haven’t had kids. Ridiculous, huh?”
No kidding. I BEGGED my docs to do it as soon as I had my first. I had Toxemia with that one. I miscarried the second.. I was listed as “high risk” for any pregnancy past that. I did everything right. I did what I was told for the health of the baby…
NOBODY would tie my tubes because they all kept telling ME that I would want another. All I ever told them was, “I don’t want another. Even if I did, how could I even afford to have another with all my problems?”
The response was the same. “You’ll find a way.” When I turned 39, I asked another doc and FINALLY was able to get the procedure. I’d asked another doc when I was 38 and he told me, “Women are having babies well into their 40s.” and he wouldn’t do it either.
After having had to raise one on my own, I wouldn’t do it again. Although I’m thankful enough to not have to face this issue in the past, I’m certainly glad I had the choice in the event of birth control failure.
I think it’s naive, and indicative of privileged Western society to think of sex as being an “expression of love” by definition.
If that’s what it is in your life, you are very lucky. But don’t judge or deny rights to women all over the world for whom that is just a fairy tale.
Sex is currency, distraction, placation, survival, duty and many other things to women who have fewer rights either because of where they’re born or to whom they’re born.
Hmm, shocker Sophie, you can’t get your tubes tied or an IUD in many cases if you’ve never given birth. There is great resistance to this in the medical market due to ridiculously high malpractice risks associated with doing this. Thankfully, I have a cousin (same last name) that was willing to sign as my HUSBBAND to do it. Yes, I needed my HUSBAND’s consent to have this procedure because I was childless AND only certain doctors would do it.
(I had told the first doctor I wasn’t married when she told me about husband consent – and she said, I know.)
I seriously thought about bitchslapping her.
(Oh yes, and I live in a big East Coast city with plenty of access to just about everything)
So in theory it sounds great, but the fact of the matter is that preventing reproduction lies almost exclusively in the hands of women yet men want half a vote in what to do with the result. Fascinating….
Hi Penelope,
My google reader said there were only 10 comments – I figured that was a lie. Hope you find your way down here.
I’m a long-time reader and first-time commenter. (And a BU student; maybe we’ve met!) And athough this comment has nothing to do with abortion, I just want to let you know that your career advice really settles my stomach when I think about sliding into the work world next year.
Keep up your solid findings and entertaining stories!
Laura
Well, thank you for being one of the rare voices of women who are willing to share their own experience with regard to abortion. You are very brave.
Most people who decide to have kids tend to say that they love and cherish their children, and that it was the best decision that they ever made.
I’m sure that they feel that way. However, psychologists also believe that the very act of having a child (both for 9 months before the pregnancy) and nurturing it thereafter creates a bond between the parent and the child. This is usually stronger between the mother and the child, than the father and the child.
This is often explained in evolutionary terms. Imaging the world 5000 years ago. In most species, the new born can begin to take of itself within months, or at max, an year or two. But in the case of humans, children need security and nurturing for around at least 8 to 12 years, before they learn how to survive on their own, at least on a basic level. Therefore, evolution provided humans with the psychogical systems to ensure that mothers ‘fell in love’, for want of a better phrase, with their children.
How do we see this knowledge in action?
1. Parents are rarely likely to say that they regret the decision to keep their child and raise them.
2. Of those who have aborted, the later they abort the child, the more they are likely to suffer pangs of regret.
In the above 300+ comments, every parent who has written in, has said that keeping the child was the best decision ever. Some of those who have aborted did not regret it much or think about it later, and some did so a lot.
The other side of the story is about adoption. People say that adoption is the easy answer, but studies show that women who put their children up for adoption suffer from more regret than women who have abortions. This really isn’t surprising. All those mechanisms in place to foster bonding occur during/after birth. Although people say that it’s “the right thing to do,” this is a level of abstraction that is as far removed from one’s emotions as “it’s not a baby yet.” You might believe either fully, but that doesn’t mean it will quell your emotional response in the end.
Most people who decide to have kids tend to say that they love and cherish their children, and that it was the best decision that they ever made.
I’m sure that they feel that way. However, psychologists also believe that the very act of having a child (both for 9 months before the pregnancy) and nurturing it thereafter creates a bond between the parent and the child. This is usually stronger between the mother and the child, than the father and the child.
This is often explained in evolutionary terms. Imaging the world 5000 years ago. In most species, the new born can begin to take of itself within months, or at max, an year or two. But in the case of humans, children need security and nurturing for around at least 8 to 12 years, before they learn how to survive on their own, at least on a basic level. Therefore, evolution provided humans with the psychological systems to ensure that mothers ‘fell in love’, for want of a better phrase, with their children.
How do we see this knowledge in action?
1. Parents are rarely likely to say that they regret the decision to keep their child and raise them.
2. Of those who have aborted, the later they abort the child, the more they are likely to suffer pangs of regret.
In the above 300+ comments, every parent who has written in, has said that keeping the child was the best decision ever. Some of those who have aborted did not regret it much or think about it later, and some did so a lot.
I’m kind of wondering if anyone is actually going to answer P’s question. “And I wonder, are there other women out there who had abortions in the name of their career and their potential? What do those women think now?”
I think there’s only about 5 who answered the question.
Penelope. Thank you for posting this. It takes a lot of courage to share something like this and I’m sure it will help a lot of woman. I’m pro-life and at times even a pro-life activist. The way I see it, you described situations where you made poor choices because of fear, weakness, and social pressure. I can’t judge; I do the same thing all the time. And it seems to me that you took this opportunity to let other women know your pain and to tell them that they have other choices that you didn’t know you had. That took a lot of strength and courage. I feel the pain of the lose of your first two children. I know that must be hard.
I want you to know, if you ever see me (or someone like me) outside a Planned Parenthood praying or trying to counsel the woman going in, that I’m there to give them those other options. Reading your story, I have greater insight into the pain and difficulty that woman have gone through before they get to the Planned Parenthood. I’m not there to judge them. I know that in their heart of hearts, they really want to keep and nourish and love their child. I’m there to let them know they have other choices and to help them with those choices.
And if you see someone there that looks like they are pro-life but they are yelling or screaming or saying judgmental or hateful things, they aren’t with me. They aren’t on my side.
So if you know anyone who thinks they have to have an abortion but wants other options, tell them to look for me or someone like me. We’re the ones outside the Planned Parenthood quietly praying. We’re quietly approaching the women to let them know of their other options. Tell them to look for us and we’ll give them anything and everything they need to keep their child and keep their life afloat. Remind them to stay away from the ones who are yelling. They’re not with us.
Thanks for your powerful witness.
Tim, your comment is probably the most beautiful and caring comment on here. And so true.
Someone above said they always perceived pro-lifers as “foaming-at-the mouth.” Unfortunately, the few bad apples stand out more than the many, many good ones.
I know of many pro-life organizations that pursue their ideals by way of preventing pregnancy and/or assisting pregnant women. An agency in my town offers free pregnancy tests, advice on alternatives, free clothing and baby supplies, and guidance with life as a mother. They are a group of caring people who assist women in a critical, vulnerable time.
Thank you Sophie for you kind comment. Those organizations are more pro-life because they care for both the mother and the child.
Something that really bothers me is that, in my city, the PP clinic is in an area with a lot of homeless people. It’s very weird to see people who claim to be Christians ignoring so many who need help, while standing in front of people who specifically do not want it.
Also, the clinic prayer groups should be embarrassed by how frightening it is to see people outside a clinic these days. If you ever go into PP, it’s like entering a war zone with weapons searches and metal detectors. Do you really think the clinic protesters are spreading only love and “options?” Because it doesn’t seem that way to the rest of us. It seems more like an implicit threat, and you should take responsibility for that.
Actually, not every women wants children. Not every woman likes children. I hate children so much that I’d rather kill myself than have any. If abortion wasn’t an option and I couldn’t force a miscarriage, I would kill myself. So don’t fool yourself into thinking that we all want the things in our heart of hearts – that’s bull.
I too have had more than one abortion.
That said, I do not use abortion as a form of birth control. I couldn't use hormonal birth control and the fact of the matter is that other forms have a higher rate of failure.Fortunately, eventually I was able to get an IUD (something I had to fight my health care provider for, oddly enough) and so far it has worked successfully.
My motivation for the abortions was much the same as yours. I was still in the beginning phases of a career. I was poor. I was in a relationship with a partner apathetic to the idea of parenthood. And I didn't have family support.
Later, I was making a career change, just scraping by and living in a foreign country. That time I was in another relationship, but one with questionable longevity.
But, I was also in a phase in my life when I was extremely unsettled – mentally, emotionally, geographically, and financially. For me, this period lasted much longer than it probably does for most women. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted in life and how to go about actually getting it. Certainly, I'm still figuring things out but I no w have a much better sense of who I am.
Could I have done things differently and survived the consequences? Yes.
Would my life have turned out much differently? In my case, absolutely.
Would it have been qualitatively worse? That I cannot even speculate on.
But, I accept not knowing. I know I've been selfish at times. I know I haven't always made the best decisions. But, I'd like to think I've gotten better at making the right ones. That's why I can justify having had the abortions. They were the consequence of decisions I felt I had to make at the time.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve come to terms with the experience — I don’t regret having made the decisions I made. But, in these matters it helps a great deal to be able to read about the experiences of another whose so closely mimic my own.
Thank you for your honesty. Regardless of my strong feelings about your choices, what I personally get out of this is that it makes me re-examine my own values. Stengthening some, changing others.
I’m sorry you’re clearly hurting about this.
I’ve never had an abortion, but for me, the math wouldn’t have worked out, ever, if I had become pregnant at certain times in my life. A life of privilege that I’ve never had is the central premise of this post, that babies are always difficult at any time, but also always manageable. That is true for people with a support network. It’s not true for everyone.
Do you think everyone has a life where they can just not work for six weeks, or even one week, after delivery? There are many, many women who don’t have the luxury of taking time to give birth, let alone raise a child. Incidentally, if people really wanted to promote a world where all pregnancies are carried to term, they would definitely support universal healthcare.
Right now, though, in this country, many women can’t afford to have babies. I disagree with a post that makes it sound like these women simply haven’t tried hard enough to “make it work.”
I too have had two abortions, and while I am sad that I made some foolish decisions that put me in those circumstances, I regret neither one of them. Later, I went on to work as a counselor in the clinic where I had the second abortion for a number of years. In fact, I carried two pregnancies to term while I worked there as well.
Clients would sometimes ask me, as they eyed my swollen belly with dismay, “isn’t it hard for you to work here, to do this, while you are pregnant?”….and for me the answer was, apart from the aching back and the fatigue and the stress (this was in the 90s, I survived my fair share of picketer break-ins, fires, butyric acid attacks, being followed home….)and emphatic NO. It was natural for me to say at that point in my life, I am ready for a baby and I welcome that my body is able to grow one….I had my abortions when it was right for me to choose that, now it is right for me to be a mother and raise children….
Somehow, it put us all on the same playing field. It was (and is) important for me not to judge. I also don’t judge the teenager who chooses to become a mother, the college student who chooses to give her baby up for adoption, the woman on food stamps who loves her babies and has a passel of them. I also don’t judge how someone gets to a late second trimester or third trimester abortion because trust me, that’s not an “elective” procedure. It’s distasteful and sad and tragic, and no one wants to talk about that….but it’s all on the same continuum.
My two abortions enabled me to finish my education, escape an alcoholic fiance, cemented my relationship with my now husband of 19 years. They also solidified my belief that abortion is a personal choice best left to those who must live with the consequences–as the consequences are also personal. I don’t suffer “post abortion trauma”, but I am sure that it’s a real phenomenon for a small percentage of women.
In my career as an abortion counselor, mostly what I saw written on the faces of my clients after their procedure was a profound sense of relief.
As for the impact of mothering on career….I don’t know that I completely agree. I do think that there are times in my career since I became a mother that I have deferred what I TRULY wanted because it would be too hard on my family. Too much travel, long hours, responsibilities, whatever. But I am grateful to have the ability to choose my family at the expense of some career upward mobility at the same time.
Thanks for sharing your story. I agree with some of the other commenters that women don’t share enough of their stories about abortion. We need not be so ashamed.
Wow… talk about honesty in the face of (Social) disagreement.
ya know what I think? I have read several posts on this blog and all you do “Penelope” is say how you have a great career. I think you write this over and over again because you HAVE to have a great career – you aborted two children to HAVE a great career. Therefore, you MUST have a great career.
I really wonder just how great your career really is that it cost you the lives of two children and a marriage. Must be a damn special career.
I am becoming a more frequent reader of your blog… as a new young professional you have already provided great guidance.
Thank you for publishing such a candid and honest story. Much appreciated.
I am a Christian pro-lifer and I hate that abortion is legal in our country. I was ready to stop reading your blog when I read the first line, assuming it was another article in defense of abortion. Thankfully, I read the entire article and I am very proud of you for being so honest. I found it amazing that you admitted that abortion is the killing of a baby. I admire your honesty and that’s why I’ve been a fan of this blog for several years. Everything happens for a reason, I absolutely know that. I’m pro-life, but I’m also not stupid. Life is messy, heartbreaking, and incredible. Thank you for continuing to share the private parts of your life. We can all learn something from what you’ve written.
hello dear P
wow what a comment fest ! as expected ….
I agree that no time is the ‘perfect’ career time to have a child or children … my only thoughts are that once the kids are here they are here for the long haul. And you’d better understand that in the first instance.
The sooner we all understand that we cannot ‘have it all’ and that life is a series of choices one after the other that we should take responsibility for, the better we might be.
your star still shines for me p – to err is human and I love that humaness about you – le xo
Respectfully, not all women find abortion traumatic or even a particularly difficult decision.
Lizriz, that’s a bad bad thing to say….(sarcasm), even if it is true. I agree with you.
From the comments here, it seems that some do find it to be a traumatic experience, and some don’t – as is true for most of life’s major decisions.
But for a woman to say that abortion was an easy decision, ah, that can start a comment war.
Abortion WAS an easy decision for me. My first instinct was to abort, and after a month of careful consideration, I was right. I’m not saying that is/should be the same for everyone, but for me it was 100% easy.
I only say this because I think it’s important to balance Penelope’s amazing, thoughtful story with letting young women know that it’s also possible to make that decision and never regret it or feel sad about it for a second.
Penelope,
I have been in that exact same situation. I made the same choice. I don’t regret it at all, even without having an awesome career right now. I didn’t really give up one for the other, I knew I wasn’t ready for it. I think that was the smartest decision I could make. It’s responsibility in the highest degree. I trusted my instincts and they didn’t let me down. I don’t think its a matter of easy or hard decision to make, hard implies you didn’t really want to do it…easy implies it doesn’t matter to you.
I had an abortion in my early 20s. My husband and I were not interested in being parents. We made a birth control mistake, and I’ve never made a similar mistake again. I have never once regretted it. I look at it as I would with any other legal, medical procedure. It’s not hard to think about or talk about any more than a root canal or appendectomy.
More than a decade later, I still don’t have one speck of interest in being a mother. I never have. I think there are plenty of women with this clinical view of reproduction, but are afraid to admit it because other women like to jump down their throat with accusations of “selfishness” and “denial.”
I am just not emotionally attached to my body’s reproductive abilities. I’m a happy settled person and I try to give back to the world through philanthropy and volunteerism rather than parenting. It is possible, and its nothing to be ashamed of.
I would like to say…. I am glad that this was a growing experience for you and you see the sacrifice. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and putting yourself out there for praise and criticism. I hope your post meets someone in their time of need.
I am a single mom of one child and had him in a less than ideal setting. I had no money, no support but did it. I thought of abortion and was encouraged to do it and it wasn’t the right choice for me.
I have known many woman who have had abortions for so many reasons: To save a relationship with a man, because they had cancer and needed to decide between survival for their current family or their unborn child, a single mom that couldn’t care for more kids, a scared girl, or someone who didn’t want their career to be stiffled, or just didn’t want kids. All of these are about fear and decisions. We live in a world of decisions and consequences both bad and good.
I would just like to remind all the people who reply that say things like… this is disgusting or gross to not judge until you are in this situation yourself. No matter what the reason the situation is hard to deal with. As this poster wrote — it is a decision you have to live with that will forever touch the persons life. You don’t have to agree with abortion or disagree, but try and think about your sister, daughter, best friend and what they need to deal with in making the decisions either way.
That was truly a great post that made me want to share, but I will try to condense it. I had several abortions, using it as birth control. To me, that is just what it is, and I consider it safer than 30+ years of hormone pills, IUDs, etc. Those things are conception control.
If you had been my friend, I would have advised you against abortion because you believe it is killing a baby. And that is what I advised a friend of mine who believes that. However, I don’t believe it at all, and don’t regret my abortions. My friend came to me for advice because she knew I had had abortions, but I don’t think women who believe it to be killing should have them. I remember when having one abortion, I did not want to be under anesthesia (I never was, with any of them) and the doctor seemed uncertain that I should just have a valium. When he was performing the procedure, I talked to him, and he told me I was right that I didn’t need to be put out – because I was able to talk. It might not just be pain tolerance levels, but the mental torture for women who believe they are doing something wrong.
When I was pregnant the first time, I also told my mother, who advised me to have an abortion. At that time I thought it was killing, and I had my daughter. My mother was a career woman, but I wanted my career to be that of homemaker and mother, and I had visions in my mind of how wonderful that would be. It really was not all that wonderful, but it did amount to undoing what had been done to me, and raising myself since my mother was too busy pursuing her own career glory instead of being home and being my mother. Just as women who think abortion is wrong shouldn’t have them, women who don’t want to raise their own children might ask themselves why they want them at all. I do have issues with having had a working mother. She loved her career and hated me, even until the end.
I didn’t read all the comments, but won’t subscribe to comment notification in case you get a lot of criticism. Feel free to e-mail me, though, if you want.
P: I expect that the next time I look up the definition of authenticity in Webster’s I’ll find/see your name in print (even though I only use the online dictionary these days!). I never thought that someone else could so elegantly and succinctly express such a uniquely personal choice. Your post resonates. Your honesty amazes. Your viewpoint is treasured. You are such a jewel.
Elizabeth, regarding authenticity, one swallow does not a summer make.
P: You are very brave for sharing this, and I love your blog. But you are wrong that abortion means “you never stop thinking about the baby you killed.” I resent that you generalize that all women feel that way. I have had two abortions, the first was a no-brainer. I was 20 and about to move to NYC – there was no way I was going to derail my dreams for a stupid mistake. The second I had mixed feelings about, simply because I should have known better. But I don’t regret either of them, nor do I think about them much. I think maybe because both pregnancies were terminated very early.
Oh boy, thank you for this post. It takes a lot to talk about something like this, but I think it can really help to open up mature conversations about abortions and other things like this. Hopefully this post can someday help someone else in your situation or one like it.
Maybe I’m confused, but did you post that you had an abortion because it would ruin your career prospects? And, everyone else around you encouraged you to do so?
Wow…I’m blown away that something as transient and temporary as careers are considered more important than a child’s life.
No offense, but how many people that had ‘career plans’ are sitting at home unemployed and unemployable in this current economy?
What became of all those big plans for those people? They completely evaporated. So, making huge decisions based around a career that could come to a screeching halt at a moment’s notice is clearly not the way to go.
Then again, it’s those same types of selfish and self-centered ways of thinking that have the economy in its current state…me first, all about me, and the generation of me. So, clearly I’m preaching to the choir on this one.
Never did understand these sort of arguments around abortions. They all sound so reasonable on the surface, but are always selfish and couched in excuses that flimsily fall apart when you peer beneath the surface.
Thankfully, women in this country have the right to CHOOSE. Of course everyone has the freedom of voice to discuss her choice, and that is fine.
But. The beauty of having power over your own destiny is a very empowering position. It is something women around the world still fight for, whether it is the right to vote, go to school, work, or make family planning decisions. Reasons for an abortion will always vary from woman to woman. Some will have regrets, some will mourn what could have been, and others will simply move on with their lives and follow the paths they were always meant to tread.
The decision to terminate a pregnancy is rarely easy, but it is very often the absolute BEST decision to be made. Regrets or no regrets, no woman I know took the decision to abort lightly. Whether they ended up with the exact career or family situation later in life is irrelevant; the point is that they made a choice to follow the path they felt compelled to keep. To chase the destiny of whom they want to become.
Besides, who really ends up exactly where they planned to in this life? Be honest!
This is the first time I have read this blog, and I’m hooked. Too few women do talk about the topic of abortion. Too few individuals want to discuss or understand it, let alone actively contribute to causes that help women before or after an unplanned pregnancy. Relatively little has been documented as to the long-term effects on a woman’s mind, body and spirit. Knowledge is power, and we need much more of both.
Like anything else controversial, I feel that the best way to approach this issue is from a position of Love. As someone who has made the decision to have an abortion, I do not expect everyone to agree with my decision, nor did I ask for anyone's consent. But I have seen all too often the further scarring and stigma added to one's already fragile state due to family & friends refusing to love them through this situation. By focusing on loving those in need, and spending less time hashing out the emotions of those who are not in her situation, we can work toward a healthier environment for women with unexpected pregnancies.
Keep up the good work, Penelope!
A woman can have all the career aspirations in the world, won’t change the fact that she does not have forever to have a child.
A woman who waits (or man, for that matter) until her career is stable, she has money, she has reached certain goals, has finished her education, is a woman who likely will find she no longer has her fertility.
Women’s role has changed, for the better imo, in the last 40 years.
But biology is exactly the same, which unfortunately means fertility starts falling at the age of 28 and you are lucky if you are able to have kids without a hitch in your 30s.
If someone even remotely thinks kids are important to them then that better become that person’s priority because fertility doesn’t last.
Thank you so much Penelope for sharing this story. Again, another piece which leaves me thinking, interested, and conducting more research. I hope helps to dispel some of the stigma around women who get an abortion, which is more than one in three American women.
Thank you for sharing this Penelope!
As a post abortive woman I appreciate your honesty!
This was posted as a comment on the “be tall at work” post (not by me, and I assume it was posted there by mistake):
Maybe I’m confused, but did you post that you had an abortion because it would ruin your career prospects? And, everyone else around you encouraged you to do so?
Wow – I’m blown away that something as transient and temporary as careers are considered more important than a child’s life.
No offense, but how many people that had ‘career plans’ are sitting at home unemployed and unemployable in this current economy?
What became of all those big plans for those people? They completely evaporated. So, making huge decisions based around a career that could come to a screeching halt at a moment’s notice is clearly not the way to go.
Then again, it’s those same types of selfish and self-centered ways of thinking that have the economy in its current state – me first, all about me, and the generation of me. So, clearly I’m preaching to the choir on this one.
Never did understand these sort of arguments around abortions. They all sound so reasonable on the surface, but are always selfish and couched in excuses that flimsily fall apart when you peer beneath the surface.
Just so – lame.
I never really got this rant about how abortion is selfish. Isn’t everything we do in life selfish, done to satisfy our goals/desires?
In a case where a mother to be, has to choose between aborting and herself dying on the operating table to save the child, you would say that she should choose the latter – after all saving yourself would be selfish?
Your argument is analogous to the one made to the person who has 10 garments in his wardrobe – do you know there are people in this world, who have nothing to wear? How selfish of you to have 10 clothes?
How selfish of you to eat three meals a day, when there are people in this world, who struggle to have one meal a day? When there are people dying of hunger?
One could go on and on, but I hope you get the fallacy of your logic. If you think abortion is selfish, don’t do it. Also, don’t eat more than one meal a day, till you’ve eradicated world hunger. And I am sure you don’t need all those clothes in the closet, do you?
Go and lead a good life – don’t tell others how they should lead their lives.
Thank you for this post – for two reasons. First, I am pro-choice and that means I think women should have a choice to NOT have abortion as much as have one.
second, thank you for pointing out that there isn’t a ‘best’ time to have a baby. My husband and I have been thinking about starting a family, but as a serious career woman one of my concerns is how it will affect my career as I am just shy of 30. This made me realize that no matter when we have kids my career will be affected, but only as much as I allow it to be. I can still be a devoted mother and a devoted employee if I want to be.
Jessica, your comment is spot on except the last two sentences. The level of control you speak of is not quite accurate. I tell you this, not to scare you from having children, but rather to prepare you for reality.
Yes, you can strive to be a devoted mother and a devoted employee. On many days, it’s possible. But life with children is unpredictable — expect the unexpected. Sometimes it’s not possible to devote yourself to both motherhood and your career as much as you’d like. Sometimes you have to choose which will take greater priority.
That said, careers are also unpredictable. So are our goals for life. To base a life-altering decision such as abortion simply on a career seems rather short-sighted.
I have to interject regarding the people who urge that women/media (to be balanced, they should be suggesting this for men too) approach sex solely as an emotional tie mainly meant for procreation.
I respect people who prefer to approach sex this way, but I don’t think they realize that they are advocating to universalize a preference. Simplistically, it’s like me saying I love the color red, so everyone, strongly consider making red your favorite color too.
I think that there are many valid ways to approach sex, including casual encounters. Sexuality is something that belongs to each individual to express how one chooses, as long as one is not intruding on another’s rights.
Which takes us back to the abortion debate currently being discussed: we DO need to work to prevent unplanned pregnancy, and as much as we have a right to enjoy sex we also have a responsibility to use caution around sexual health and avoiding unwanted pregnancy. In today’s society, we have all the basic education and scientific tools we need to do this successfully. (We need more education though) But to reduce unplanned pregancy, we don’t have to resort to forcing a universal approach to enjoying one’s sexuality.
Think about it: women who have had 3 or 4 children, definitely do not want more, but want to enjoy sex with their husbands/ same-sex relationships/ women or men who do not wish to marry EVER and/or have children EVER.
I wouldn’t condemn these people to never having sex on the basis that procreation is not their goal. Would you, really?
I agree that it was very brave of Penelope to write about such a taboo topic. Thank you for creating a forum for women(and men) to talk about this. The discussion of children and career is especially powerful from a responsible, professionally successful woman, instead of a multiple mom with questionable judgement…
I grew up with the same thoughts seared into my brain about what having a family early would do to your life/career options. I would have had the same pressure if I had been in her shoes. I understand the impulse women have who fought so bravely for women’s rights in higher education, the workplace, and for reproductive rights, but I think in all the rhetoric we lose sight what right we are fighting for: the right to choose for yourself.
It would not have been the right choice for me to have a child in my teens or my twenties. I was not prepared either financially or mentally for that challenge. Thankfully it was a choice I never had to make. But that is not true for everyone. Some women could have children, and illustrious career, in whatever order. Now being a mother in my thirties I can see that. Its never any easier, only what is more socially acceptable.
But the thought still haunts me. I argue this point with my husband all the time; what would we counsel our children to do if in this situation? I am still deciding, if you can believe it.
Penelope, that was brutally honest. Thank you.
I both agree and disagree with you. I agree that there is no good time to have kids, and that people tend to overanalyze the decision. Kids are never a particularly good investment in the first 20 or so years – they suck money and energy out of you. I’m of the opinion that it’s better to have them earlier rather than later, but good support system is very very helpful. I had mine at 25 and 30 – I was married to their father at the time (and still am, I might add). At the same time, I know that there was a time in my life when I would have gotten an abortion in a flash had I gotten pregnant. I can’t imagine being in college as a mom, especially without a good support system. I’m not talking about saving a career here, I’m talking about having a professional job and making decent living after graduating from a top college vs. limiting your opportunities by God knows how long for a child. So, while I never had to do it, I know I would have done it if I had to.
The “just put it up for adoption” crowd is annoying. Pregnancy is difficult both physically and mentally, and no one owes an infertile couple a child. Abortion is a personal decision. Let’s keep religion and personal opinions out of it. Against abortion – don’t have one.
First of all I’d like to thank Penelope for writing this article. It takes a lot of guts to admit that you’ve been sold a bill of goods regarding abortion and career.
That said, I am appalled at the commenters who are saying things such as “don’t want an abortion, don’t have one.”
Quipy lines do nothing to address the serious moral realities of abortion. Like it or not, abortion is one human being killing another. We don’t say “Don’t like killing toddlers? Don’t kill one!” Nor should we so flippantly dismiss objections to abortion.
Your argument would be more persuasive if you stop stating your personal opinion as fact.
What personal opinion? It is scientific fact that a unqiue human being is formed at amphimixis. It is also scientific fact that this human being is killed during an abortion.
I cannot commend you enough for having the balls to talk about such a personal choice to the public. The very judgmental, unforgiving public that it is. I actually made the other choice. I had my daughter my sophomore year of college. She just so happened to be my driving force to be successful. I sometimes worked two jobs just to pay for daycare so I could stay on my career path. My significant other did not stick around like so many other men that become fathers at that age. I have also never seen a single cent of child support. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining. I just want to make sure I am painting the right picture here for you. She is five now. I am successful and very happy in my career. With out her I do not think I would have the ambition that I have had since the day she was born. I probably would have floated through school barely getting by and letting important decisions and career moves linger until I was forced into the real world (like most of my friends that are my age with out children are still doing now). However, I do not think what you did was wrong. That was probably the right choice for you at the time. I will tell you this though, being able to make it through the first five years of my daughters life and knowing she is a well adjusted, happy child, makes me believe that I can do anything. Yes, anything.
I commend Penelope wholeheartedly in her admittance that having an abortion is killing a baby. Not many women who have had even one abortion would admit that. Bravo! Unfortunatley, Penelope also justifies her decision to have those abortions. This makes her admittance a contradiction. I mean, how do you justify killing your own child? Was your career worth it?
I, too , had an abortion in my 20s and I remember how sick it made me feel that I was killing my own child. But I, too, wanted a career. I, too, saw it as a smart, viable option for a recent college grad who was working and living in Manhattan, making great money, and truly independant for the first time in her life. A child would not only mean giving that all up, but it would mean moving back home to the dreaded suburbs with two parents I didn’t get along with. Having an abortion was a no brainer…at least at the time. Now in my 40s, I feel very differently.
That’s because Penelope went on to have two live children. I ended up having none.
I had the dream career. Made good money. Drove a nice car. Had nice clothes. Traveled whenever and wherever I wanted to. But I never got that second chance to have a child. And that is something that will always haunt me. For me, money and a great career did not bring true happiness. And they will never, ever replace the joy of having my own child.
The fact that other women are having abortions and may someday feel this loss is heartbreaking.
What’s the connection between abortion and carrers? Women are killing their children to have careers. That’s the bottom line. The sad fact is, women can have both, but they might not realize that until it’s too late.