The hardest part of my job is that everyone lies about parenting
When I was growing up, there was lots of chatter in the media about how models gave girls bad role models. Today that’s old news. What we should talk about now is how the media portrays moms.
Take a look at the spread in People magazine of Jennifer Lopez and her one-month-old twins. The photos are so elegant that at first I thought it was a parody. But in fact, it is mommy porn: the visual fantasy of what being a working mom could be. And it really could be that, if it weren’t that someone like Jennifer Lopez must have a household full of helpers in order to keep her career on track while she has kids: a cook, a trainer, two or three nannies, a cleaner, an assistant, a stylist. And others I’m sure I can’t even imagine.
Here’s another example of mommy porn: Angelina Jolie, and her fifty kids. She has a rule that the nannies (plural, yes, each kid has their own) cannot be photographed holding the kids, because it’s bad for Angelina’s image as a mom. But this is the problem: It looks like these very successful women have it all, even though they don’t.
Here’s what happens: Some reporter interviews someone about their big job. And then the person ends up talking about the mythic work-life-balance topic. And they say something like, “Throughout my career I did [insert something that is supposed to be wonderful for children] for my kids.” And now, of course, we must assume that the kids are doing fine. But why do we believe that? Why do we even ask? We have no hope of learning the truth. After all, there are very few people in the world who are in a position to say that their career is, as they speak, harming their kids.
So journalists writing about moms being moms are not reporting the truth. It is propaganda. It is parents saying that they lived their lives in a way that was good for their kids. But really, who knows? The reporter has little ability to check. So all we’re left with is the parents giving their subjective and hugely biased opinion that their kids are turning out fine.
I’m not saying that every kid is messed up from their parents’ careers. I’m saying that I’m sick of learning about how famous families want us to think they are doing by looking at what is really only mommy porn, what is really just parenting propaganda.
So look, in the interest of truth-telling, I’m telling you this: people are not being honest about what it’s like to be with kids. People are scared to admit that they would rather be at work than with their kids, because work is easier than parenting. (Notable exception: Sally Krawcheck.) If I have to read about how much someone loves their kids one more time, I’m gonna puke. Because we all know that parents love their kids. It’s not interesting. It’s not helpful. It’s not even very relevant. For anyone.
What’s interesting is the part where parents love their kids but don’t love being with them on a daily basis. It’s very scary to write. But I’m telling you, if the feeling weren’t ubiquitous then there would be no one to be in middle management working 9-5 because they’d all be home with their kids, doing freelance work after bedtime.
People are choosing to go to work rather than stay with their kids all day. But no one talks about making this choice because they are scared their kids will read it. I’m not sure what the right answer is. I just know that somehow there has to be a more honest discussion of parenting in this world.
So with all the mommy porn, the media does a lot to make us think that work life balance is possible, in the same way anorexic bodies without treatment for anorexia is possible.
So there’s real damage from mommy porn. Everyone begins thinking that every woman should be parenting gracefully while working full time. This gives people the temerity to ask me, nearly every day: Who takes care of your kids?
That’s right. The genesis of this rant is that I was meeting with an investor — a guy in his early 40s — and we were talking about my travel schedule and he asked, “Who takes care of your kids?”
I told this to one of my board members and he said, “What??? Why did you answer that question?”
I said I answer it because I get the question every single day. Literally. And I don’t think twice about it anymore. But in fact, it’s a totally offensive question. Here’s how I’m so sure: I tried it out on Mr. Sales Guy. And even though Mr. Sales Guy and I work the same number of hours, he said something to the effect of, “I’m not really sure what goes on with the kids all day, you have to ask my wife.” He answered the question as if we were doing girl talk. As if I had asked him, “What brand of tampon does your wife use?”
So I want to tell you something: Women earn more than men in most major cities today. And in corporate America, up and down the ladder, women and men are on equal footing in the workplace in terms of who gets paid what, as long as neither party has kids. But the level of expectations people have for parenting is absolutely insane. The mommy porn feeds this problem. Everyone is drawn to the ideal of Angelina Jolie as the perfect combination of careerist and mother like the Pied Piper’s tune, and these attitudes are more exhausting to me than any amount of actual parenting ever is.
I’ll tell you what, raising kids is one of the hardest things you will ever do. It also is probably one of the best things that ever happens to you, aside from getting married to your lifelong (hopefully) love.
Watching them grow up and deal with failure and success all at once and finally see them become the best of best at what they do, fulfilling their destinies is probably the best thing that can ever happen.
You’ll see, and at that moment you’ll be so proud you’ll wonder what else your kids could accomplish.
parenting should not be for everyone…..i saw today i mother probably not even 23 years old, feeding her crying baby in a restaurant and not even touching the poor child, she was feeding the poor thing while it was seating on the high chair and she was on her phone
Amen, Penelope….and I just love that term “mommy porn”. It’s GREAT!
Frankly, I think the world would be a better place if everyone worked part-time (regardless of their parent status).
Mommy Porn. Love it!
Oops!
there’s a lot of truth to this, but i have to say that i don’t think that “People are scared to admit that they would rather be at work than with their kids, because work is easier than parenting” in every case. i think a lot of people go back to work because they HAVE to and if given the choice would rather be at home with them.
Hmm. One day I hope that women and men can make meaningful choices in their own lives and not have to defend the decision to anyone. Children are great, and hard, and frustrating, and terrifying. Get through it with the best grace you can, love them, love yourself….and fu(* the rest.
Robin
I love the term “mommy porn” and you are so right… If we could just all be honest about how god damn hard it is to be a parent, then I’m sure we’d see a lot less anxiety and anitdepressive medicine going over the counter…
The problem is that everyone is trying to live up to something that isn’t real… IMO.
I had a job as a residence manager for a residence with 12 emotionally disabled women. The residence was a 24 hour fully supervised residence, and I was responsible for the residents and a staff of about 25 full and part-time workers.
I had to wear a beeper 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (this was before cellphones), and occasionally took clients who threatened to hurt themselves or others to the hospital. I dealt with client attacks, a grueling work schedule, and no free time.
And I’ll say it easily: when I quit work to take care of my then 8 month daughter(who broke her leg in two places at the babysitter-that’s another story altogether), IT WAS STILL HARDER TO BE AT HOME.
There is nothing like parenting: in addition to the general management skills you need to run a house, you need a certain amount of skill to be able to understand your children and know how to deal with the issues they have and the challenges they present.
I know a lot of moms who just can’t handle this level of intimacy being at home requires of them. So they make it look like being at work is glamorous and doable.
But I’ll say it again: I worked 10-12 hours a day with a nursing baby, and that was STILL easier than being at home. Not just easier, but more immediately satisfying in a way. You do a job, it gets done, and stays done. Your boss likes it, your coworkers notice or commiserate with you.
It takes courage, guts, and committment to be a stay-at-home. I think it’s about time for some Stay At Home Mommy Porn.
Great article. I get a hit of mommy porn in the doctors office while I wait for my doctor appointment. I went in to see the Doctor about my chronic fatigue I have had since about a year into my full-time job as a single full-time (sole custody) mother. He is telling me that I need exercise as the antidote to my fatigue, but with my work/parenting, there is no time and I am tired.
I was lied to and believed whole-heartedly that I could safely and would succeed as a single mom (by choice) and a professional working mom. My physical abilities have been de-conditioned. I never lost the weight put on by pregnancy so in addition to carrying the awkward weight of my child and the extra 50 lbs, I now suffer from all sorts of ailments: adult onset asthma, chronic cough, GERD, sway back pain brought on since working and raising a child by myself.
Having a weekly cleaner and daycare wasn’t enough. I just hired a homemaker (AKA wife) to assist the morning routine to have more relaxed time with my son in the morning and to have some down time while my son is still in daycare and I am off work. It’s expensive, but the truth is that raising kids takes two people and a good income.
My doctor’s diagnosis: I have not recovered from the process of child birth (my son is four) and that is reassuring for me. He wants me off work for 6 months. I think he should get rid of the mommy porn in his office!
The same narcissism that leads a person to believe he/she should be on physical display as some kind of physical ideal leads a person to make it appear he/she is an ideal parent with ideal work/life balance. Both are destructive the normal rest of us.
Seriously? Stop reading magazines, if that’s what you’re after, and read more blogs. I don’t read bloggers who romanticize parenthood because there’s nothing there for me. I read about other hardworking, confused, loving, stressed-out, often-bad-parenting parents because it gives me a reality check and a lifeline. And some laughs, which is really the only thing that can get you (and your kids) through family life.
Since you like research, here are some of my favorites:
Ask Moxie http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/
Motherhood is not for Wimps http://damomma.com/ (although unfortunately she had to stop her amazing blogging to, you know, make money and raise kids)
And here’s my own post from earlier this year: http://midianitemanna.blogspot.com/2011/08/i-love-you-really-now-fuck-off.html