My own marriage and the myth of the stay-at-home dad
For those of you who don’t know what’s going on in my marriage, please read My First Day of Marriage Counseling, and maybe you will want to leave a comment about how if you were my husband, you’d divorce me for blogging about my marriage.
My husband, in fact, has brought up divorce for other reasons. I am not totally sure which ones, to be honest, but I think it is career related since I have a great career and his sort of stalled when he became a stay-at-home dad and then went to hell from there.
I know that there are a lot of stay-at-home dads. But while it may seem like there are a lot who are happy, I think it’s really just that every single one of the happy ones is blogging.
There are a lot of stay-at-home dads in my neighborhood. After all, I live in a town where you can buy a house for under $200,000, so living on one income is not that hard here. That’s part of the reason we moved to Madison.
So my friend who writes for a very huge and widely read publication needed some stay-at-home dads to interview. And I said, “I know a bunch. I’ll give you names.” But you know what? None of them would talk. And of course my husband would not talk, because stay-at-home parenting has been a disaster for us. And if you ask all the high-level women who have men at home with their kids, (there are tons) their husbands are not talking.
So I’m going to tell you the truth about stay-at-home dads: The happy ones are working part-time at something they love. This is not surprising because the majority of women with kids would rather work part-time than either stay-at home full-time or work full-time. Which explains why we’re done with the stay-at-home dad routine.
Not that I really know what my husband is doing, though, because we are barely talking. We are doing what I imagine lots of couples do when things fall apart: Acting totally normal at events where normal families show up as families, and then pretending we don’t know each other at home.
And I do feel a little like I don’t know him. Last night I accepted a LinkedIn invitation from a friend. I went immediately to see our common connections – my favorite thing to on LinkedIn — and, there was my husband.
I wasn’t shocked that she knew him. I was shocked by what he wrote for his profession. Stay-at-home dad, former online game producer.
Surely writing stay-at-home dad on a LinkedIn profile cannot be good. But that’s what he is, so what else is he going to write? I went to LinkedIn to investigate the stay-at-home situation. When I searched the string “stay at home”, I got 471 results. It makes sense, I guess, because the biggest problem people have when they leave work to take care of a kid is that they lose their contacts. So LinkedIn would be an obvious thing to do to make going back to work easier.
The list was mostly moms. The first guy I saw was not only a stay-at-home dad, but in his special skills section he lists “baby stuff”.
As the career expert in my household, I always think I’m ten steps ahead of my husband. But I didn’t know that somewhere in the back of his mind, while we’re at soccer games and swimming lessons, he has been wrestling with the question of what to write on LinkedIn, which is really the question of how to present himself professionally when he’s abandoned his profession. I feel very lucky that I’m the one who kept up a career.
So we are interviewing babysitters because my husband needs time to think, and you can’t think about the state of your life and what to do about it when you are taking care of kids.
While I was conducting an interview, my husband was scurrying around getting camp lunches ready for the next day. This is an endearing thing about my husband – he is the king of details, and I am terrible with them. Every time there is something wrong in the lunchbox, my son comes home and asks if I could please not pack his lunch anymore.
So my husband was running around the house and he bumped into me. A normal thing to do would be to say I’m sorry. But we are not talking to each other. And the babysitter saw that an opportunity to be normal was somehow missed.
I needed to say something to explain the weirdness, because good babysitters do not work in homes of messed up families. I thought a little story might make things feel like I have some control. So I said, “Um. My husband and I are, uh. Well. We are…”
And the babysitter said, “Oh, don’t worry. I know. I read your blog.”
I forgot to add that I cannot believe that there are women out there who do not appreciate their stay at home husbands. To all those women, give yourselves a favor and bang your heads against the wall, hopefully you’ll wake up.
And to the guys who don’t feel man enought when not providing, go play basketball with your friends, have a poker night, smoke a cygar, take your DVD player apart ect., but do not give up the great opportunity to be home with your kids.
Wow, this was really interesting to read. Penelope, it seems to me like you have a man who really takes his job seriously. Running around packing lunches for the kids! Ha! You need to be grateful. My husband also stays at home with our girls. He does none of the housework, none of the cooking, none of the shopping and spends most of the “fun money” in our household. I work long days and have to come home and cook and clean and take care of the girls. I would feel like I was in heaven if I had a husband who really pitched in and helped. Be grateful for what you have. See your husband as a man who really is contributing and maybe you can save your marriage.
Loved the honesty here. Thanks for sharing
even if a man stays home with the kids, the wife will resent him. resent him for not having a night job that begins after he puts the kids to bed and ends when its time to get the kids ready to leave the house before mommy wakes up. resent him for not running an online company that matches what she brings home in earnings, and then be bright and in a good mood and be ready to serve all her psychological needs to feel sexy and be happy on every other level of existence that seems to fluctuate every day. resent him for not being the man she really wanted, but even if she got that man she wanted… she probably wouldn’t want him anymore. after all, i was the man she wanted once. women just weren’t designed to be content. they need a constant stream of fresh, new, romantic ideas to keep them happy but they can’t ever have a clue about what that means (that’s your job) and if you dont figure it out, then you’re just a lazy loser. times have changed. and what women want seems to create society. women apparently want their cake and to eat it too, whatever the hell that means. more is demanded of a stay at home dad as compared to a stay at home mom.
i hear them complain. at the park. about how difficult everything is and how there’s not enough time in the day. yeah, your secret’s out. don’t let this stay at home dad expose us.
[quote]even if a man stays home with the kids, the wife will resent him. resent him for not having a night job that begins after he puts the kids to bed and ends when its time to get the kids ready to leave the house before mommy wakes up. resent him for not running an online company that matches what she brings home in earnings, and then be bright and in a good mood and be ready to serve all her psychological needs to feel sexy and be happy on every other level of existence that seems to fluctuate every day. resent him for not being the man she really wanted, but even if she got that man she wanted – she probably wouldn’t want him anymore. after all, i was the man she wanted once. women just weren’t designed to be content. they need a constant stream of fresh, new, romantic ideas to keep them happy but they can’t ever have a clue about what that means (that’s your job) and if you dont figure it out, then you’re just a lazy loser. times have changed. and what women want seems to create society. women apparently want their cake and to eat it too, whatever the hell that means. more is demanded of a stay at home dad as compared to a stay at home mom.[/quote]
Sorry, I realize this is an old topic, but after reading the most recent posts, I felt compelled to comply.
First, let me say that I’m sorry that all of this resulted in divorce. That is a very sad situation for anyone. Hopefully time has helped to heal some of the pain and has given you some perspective.
As a stay at home dad, I can sympathize with some of the things that were posted, but I find that personal perspective needs to be considered. First, whatever was troubling your marriage was certainly present before your husband’s decision to leave work. The opportunities provided (or prevented) by his situation may have exacerbated them, but certainly did not cause them. Only an idiot would would abandon his marriage because of the freedoms provided by not having to work.
I had a great job. I was making about $75K per year, with good benefits and good job security. My wife and I had traded off for years with who was earning more, but it never mattered for much. My job was able to put her through school. When she began to earn more than me (at a job she loved), I couldn’t have cared less.
We both came to the conclusion that our 60-80 hour per week jobs were detrimentally affecting our children as we saw them doing and saying things that were completely out of character for us. We knew it was because they were being raised by strangers and decided it was time to do something about it. The decision was purely practical. I’m not a better parent than my wife (not even close), but she was making a better salary than me and was happier at her job. I agreed to leave my job to raise the kids as a practical decision.
I am now Assistant Cubmaster for my son’s Pack, VP of the Home & School Association, a member of their “School Improvement Team”, and a leader at our church. I didn’t have any time for this when I was working.
My children have responded in ways I coulnd’t have imagined, and my wife and I have become closer. We both see our sacrifices coming to fruition through our children. Anyone who would resent his wife for this opportunity is a self-loathing idiot.
Do you think if you did not have kids, you’d have a happier marriage?
all marriages starts with expectations and dreams. only the persons with extreme tolerance succeed in maintaining life long relationship 9most of peoples living this kind of life).some people divert their concentration else where and live a mechanical life.few brave ones end their miserable life and live their desired life.
u r right how is things going now ….
I may be a few years late in replying to this, but then again I was working and taking care of the home at kids while the “stay at home dad” was enjoying his life of leisure and abusing me. Here’s what I found he posted on his “Dad Stay’s Home” website:
"Why do I hear about so many women on some sort of antidepressant medication? Do many really have an emotional issue that cannot be controlled or is it that this is just an easy fix? Sure we all lost our temper on occasion and get punchy for insignificant reasons but I would imagine that one sees they are in a moody state that one makes an effort to control it. Yet, there were a significant number of my female friends in my (sordid) past who'd just combust and become totally irrational . It would take me by total surprise and they would lose a lot of credibility for not being able to act with more self control. I can't help thinking that this is somehow normal in females. That they're close to the edge normally and go off kilter when some non descript hormone changes. Taken as a whole however, are we more pragmatic and less inclined to take psychotropic meds and if so why? Is it that our hormones don't vary as widely giving us a more moderate temperament? Is it that we've grown up as builder Bob's analyzing and measuring and thereby requiring us to be colder? Is it that we view losing control as being unacceptable in dealing with daily stressors. With so much emphasis on equality in the workplace (thereby placing us where we are now) could it be that women were not indoctrinated into the necessary coping skills at an early stage and thereby breakdown when they get out of the office pressure cooker. And/or in the office are women graded on a more lenient grading curve then men to accommodate their emotional state."
I really want to like you and respect what you say. Your thoughts are well phrased. You exhibit wit. You’ve stared death in the eye. And, of course, you have a large number of regular followers to recommend you.
But something is missing. Your recollection of things you’ve said in the context of what I’ve read so far of your writing paints a picture of a person who is not very well-rounded. Someone who can’t quite wrap their head around walking a mile in another person’s shoes.
Like your husband, I left a really good career to stay at home with my kids. Under similar circumstances. My husband had the greater earning potential and stuff is just plain expensive. After eight years, things got pretty ugly. Returning to the work force is worse for women than it is for men, too. But I held onto my marriage like a tick on a dog. It has taken four years of me being back at work full time to restore balance and routine in this life.
Despite your professional endeavors, this is not a path you have walked. There’s a quote from The Joy Luck Club that applies here. Something about swallowing bitterness. Your husband has done that for you, every single day. Of course it is easy for you to respond to the question, “Do you love him?” You are getting everything good from him. Of course it takes him time to respond. You are consuming his good will like a resource. He is swallowing bitterness. You are dishing it out.
Ego depletion is a very, very real thing. No human being is infinite. Relationships require care and feeding. If you really want to restore this relationship, you will find a way to stop talking so much. That’s what’s missing, really. You’re just not listening.
SophieB…..Marry me lol. You hit the nail on the head with that one. Thats the toughest part….having a wife that makes you feel less than dirt. Crushes your ego at every chance and destroys anything that made you who you are today. The problem is, you can’t leave because three toddlers would be heartbroken. You can’t even escape the house alone, because she can’t handle the kids alone. We never had problems until she went to work. Then, after awhile, she forgot all of the years I worked and all of the things I did in that time. (Cleaning the house when I came home, taking care of the kids when I got home from work until bed) It was like life had just started for us again and I was nothing but a babysitter with benefits. We get along decent when we aren’t fighting, but once she says anything about the kids or her job it explodes. Thanks for your post, you know your sh!t
Thank you for this blog, but please tell me things end well. I found your blog because I was searching for a marriage counselor for my own marriage. I NEED to know someone survives this kind of hurt. Keep up this blog, it’s great!
Penelope..your post here is very interesting.
You are right about one thing you don’t see the horror stories very often. You don’t see the guys who worked ALL of their life who suddenly become a stay at home dad to a newborn baby, two toddlers and a teenager. Not knowing anything at all, scared to death. You don’t hear about the guys who’s other friends look at them like they are less than a man. Or how about the ones who’s wife tells them they are worthless, good for nothing, and that they don’t own anything because all they do is sit around taking care of kids all day? How about the few who can’t even leave the house w/o all the kids because their wife can’t be alone with the children more than a couple hours before she starts calling? The ones that haven’t left the house but a handful of times in four years? What about the poor fellows who live so far out in the country, have no family, and there is nobody to watch, babysit, or keep the kids for even a half a day while they get out of the house to work a bit. The ones that waste away at home because they are condemned to 18 years of house arrest. Then after the 18 years your left with nothing, no career, no social security, nothing. So yes blogger, you are correct about one thing if anything….you don’t hear about the ones who think this life is Hell. The ones who would give ANYTHING just to be able to work and feel like a man again. The ones like…………….
Me.
You are right about one thing you don’t see the horror stories very often. You don’t see the guys who worked ALL of their life who suddenly become a stay at home dad to a newborn baby, two toddlers and a teenager. Not knowing anything at all, scared to death. You don’t hear about the guys who’s other friends look at them like they are less than a man. Or how about the ones who’s wife tells them they are worthless, good for nothing, and that they don’t own anything because all they do is sit around taking care of kids all day? How about the few who can’t even leave the house w/o all the kids because their wife can’t be alone with the children more than a couple hours before she starts calling? The ones that haven’t left the house but a handful of times in four years? What about the poor fellows who live so far out in the country, have no family, and there is nobody to watch, babysit, or keep the kids for even a half a day while they get out of the house to work a bit. The ones that waste away at home because they are condemned to 18 years of house arrest. Then after the 18 years your left with nothing, no career, no social security, nothing. So yes blogger, you are correct about one thing if anything….you don’t hear about the ones who think this life is Hell. The ones who would give ANYTHING just to be able to work and feel like a man again. The ones like…………….
Me.
You are right about one thing you don’t see the horror stories very often. You don’t see the guys who worked ALL of their life who suddenly become a stay at home dad to a newborn baby, two toddlers and a teenager. Not knowing anything at all, scared to death. You don’t hear about the guys who’s other friends look at them like they are less than a man. Or how about the ones who’s wife tells them they are worthless, good for nothing, and that they don’t own anything because all they do is sit around taking care of kids all day? How about the few who can’t even leave the house w/o all the kids because their wife can’t be alone with the children more than a couple hours before she starts calling? The ones that haven’t left the house but a handful of times in four years? What about the poor fellows who live so far out in the country, have no family, and there is nobody to watch, babysit, or keep the kids for even a half a day while they get out of the house to work a bit. The ones that waste away at home because they are condemned to 18 years of house arrest. Then after the 18 years your left with nothing, no career, no social security, nothing. So yes blogger, you are correct about one thing if anything….you don’t hear about the ones who think this life is Hell. The ones who would give ANYTHING just to be able to work and feel like a man again. The ones like…………….
Me.
You are absolutely correct nta SAHD. I am going through the same thing almost word for word. I think that if the writer of this article wasn’t so self involved in her own life and gave her husband even a tiny bit of support, her marriage would not be falling apart. When she wakes up one day and her husband and kids are living with another woman, who actually cares about them, I will not feel sorry for her one bit. I suppose she will probably not enjoy paying child support and alimony to a man she so obviously despises. Please do him a favor and find another man to toy with emotionally.
Nice to know there are others out there that are in the same place as myself. Men just don’t understand until they are in this spot. It robs you of nearly everything that makes you a man. Your social life, your work, your free time, your friends. Sure, there will be women out there who say “A real man would love to be home with his kids” ….and I do. To sit back though and say this is any kind of life for a man though is just silly. There is a reason since the dawn of mankind that the men were hunters and gatherers. The women took care of the children. It’s hard-wire programming by the most complicated scientist in the world…mother nature. To think that these days women still expect to re-wire men to be homemakers, puts a frown on my face. It just wasn’t supposed to be that way. Thanks for commenting AngryDad. Maybe I should start my own Blog or group for this kind of thing.
“Hard-wired” my ass. As a woman, I must admit I am amazed to know you seem to think having a social life, free time, friends, and what I assume you must mean to be “meaningful work” (i.e. work other than childcare/household management) is strictly the province and entitlement of men. But of course, everyone knows that childcare/household management is strictly silly bitch-work and; therefore, far beneath any man.
Where did I say ANY of those things are strictly for men? Argue ALLLLLL you want, but facts are facts. Women are made for children. You carry them, nurse them from your body, raise them. What part of a man was he born with that benefits a child? Put the bra down and douse the flame no need for another burning. Until you are a man in our shoes, then you won’t understand. All of the things I listed, I never once said anything about what makes a woman a woman. When my wife stayed home, she had friends, a social life, free time. I would come home from work, take care of the kids until I went to bed, then rinse and repeat daily. Now that the tables have turned, different rules apply. As is the case in every SAHD I have EVER talked to. So if it makes you feel better to think im playing sides, more power to you. The fact is, I think it should be 50/50 no matter who’s foot the workshoe is on..
i am so surprised to see that they are people here who SUPPORT you! You obviously have no compassion for your husband, I feel sorry for your son. Eventually, this will be obvious to him. You are self centered, and a disgrace to the professional community
I’m sitting here at work with tears in my eyes – my husband and I are going through counseling for the first time. My husband decided to take the dramatic route and announce “I want a divorce” in front of our two and half twins. He did it for dramatic effect, and says now he didn’t mean it. The biggest mistake he did was to push it in my face as an option. Now I am thinking about how much better, how much fewer conflicts and drama I would have in my life if we divorced.
I don’t want to be in the same room with him. I don’t want to be around him. It is so painful. Similar issues with you, as I am the high wage earner, and he is a teacher who works from 8 – 3 everyday, all summer off. He comes home after school and TAKES A NAP everyday. I get home around 6 pm and start cleaning the house, doing laundry, bath, get things ready for the next day, going to be around mignight, up at 6 am. He’s over 250 pounds and says he is “too sick” or “too tired” to do housework, yet manages to go hunting and work on his jeep. He insisted he was going to “get a lot of projects finished” over the summer so we paid thousands for child care all summer. He did NOTHING. Slept in till 11 a.m. every gd day during the summer then called me to pick up dinner.
Men who are not the breadwinners should be proud of their spouses’ ambition, as they are enjoying the life that your work is making possible. I hope that you and your husband find a way back to each other, if it is meant to be. It takes a special parent to care for a special needs child. It also takes a special kind of Dad to appreciate the stay-at-home role, thier role in helping their child grow and learn. Our mothers got no credit at all for all the work they did by staying at home, and now the next generation of males is finding it exceedingly difficult and want applause 24-7. Surprise surprise.
Its very simple. A man is not supposed to be in a cage with kids. Thats a womabs job. When you force a man to do this, he will lose his identitty, lose his maculinity, and you will lose all attraction to him as he is not a “strong” provider in your eyes. Hopefully, you will find someone else and let him go…..Let him be a man again. Let him breathe the night air and howl at the moon, let him go piss in the woods. I am leading a brigade of men fed up with crap like this, we are all going to abandon our wives and move to Key West and be homeless.
Because its better than prison.
Hope this explains things a little.
I am a SAHD and I am aghast at the amount of sexism from both directions in these posts. As a child in the 70’s I didn’t know what feminism was. I do know that my mothers choice to pursue her career at any price cost me my childhood. I was three when she divorced my Father due to his purported lack of support for her career and I was relegated to the world of daycare and babysitters. The only time I really spent with my mother after that was in the car, either late for school or the last kid picked up late in the evening. I spent weekends with another family or a babysitter wile my mother went out with assholes who were supposed to replace my Daddy. The time I got to spend with him was idyllic by comparison. Yes I was still babysat but not until 10pm. When he wasn’t at work we did things together. I was happy. Then it would be over and I would have to go back to her. Where as a result of looking just like my father, I got the full force of the resentment that she felt toward him. Often with a belt. In 1975 NO court was prepared to grant a father custody. This continued until I stated my intentions to move in with my father after my mother remarried. I was refused but not given a reason at the time. I realize now that it would have meant to my mother that my father had won. I resolved to become the worst kid on Earth in an attempt to escape. It took three years but I finally won. My father is the most loving and caring person I have ever known. I haven’t spoken to my mother in five years. Our last exchange ended with the comment ” you are just like your father”. I considered it a complement. I vowed as a child that my kids would not have this kind of life. When I married, my first wife shared my views and we agreed that one of us would always stay home with the kids. At the time I made more money so she would stay home. A simple math problem. Her mother however(over time)convinced her that taking care of babies was demeaning, that I was the one demeaning her and it destroyed our marriage. Now I am happily married and my wife, who is a nurse, makes ALOT more money than I ever could as a Paramedic. Once again simple math. I love staying home with my kids. I am the boss and I don’t have to kiss anyone’s ass. It is far more rewarding than anything corporate america has to offer. Does my wife help out at home? Of course she does as we are a team. Neither of us lives at the others expense. The gender biases evident in the above posts are alarming. The elephant in the room here is that when you chose to have kids you no longer get to cling to outdated proscribed roles and have to start doing what is best for your kids, regardless of the situation of your genitalia. (aside from the fact that it is much easier for me @ 5′ 10” 220lbs to wrangle a 3 year old boy than it would be for my 95lbs wife)
Feminism ‘should’ have been about equality. Instead it was about devaluing the traditional roles of women. Those of us who have stepped into those roles today, male or female, have been considered less-than as a result. Happy to inform you: I am NOT a myth.
Several people in the 180 odd posts said how being at home with kids is hard, and I agree.
It’s isolating, and lonely, and drives you insane because you long for another adult to talk to… and makes you feel guilty beyond belief because you love your kids but you crave want time away from them. You crave being able to think about yourself or the world, or something, anything that isn’t them.
That is why I found part-time work. Doesn’t make me much money after paying childcare, but the personal reward was worth it.
I am not married, although, I do feel that certain things would be easier if we were. We have lived together for the past year and now, of course, we are hitting bumps. A lot of it due to the fact that he has 3 children (they stay with us for the summer) and I have none….. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. But being in a situation where you have the kids for the first time for an entire summer without any prior experience, is quite difficult. We now argue over everything. Being a woman, I am more sensitive. I am more willing to talk because I feel that is the only way things will be solved. He doesn’t want to talk, he feels that is all we ever do and he is sick of it….. Which makes me feel that he doesn’t care that our relationship is hanging on by a single, tiny thread….. And when you do talk a lot and nothing is ever compromised or you can never reach a real conclusion- it’s hard and you realize how truly communication is important and it is definitely a tool that needs tweaking throughout a relationship. It is not easy. I have not brought up any type of counseling (although I do think it would open up both of our eyes). Women need to have more than one opinion and see things in many different lights so I understand why you may be blogging about this stuff. That and it can really help out someone else going through the same thing. I try to look online for things to help me. I wish he could research and do the same. Maybe then he would see that I really am not so full of it!
I pretended that I loved my husband until I did. You would be shocked at how quickly it changes how you behave and how he behaves. It has been 16 years since I tried it (22 years for us total) and it works.
No one likes to feel as though the other person doesn’t love them or feels disrespect toward them, so if they are treated that way they respond instinctively. I can tell you that the opposite is true also. I remember the first week of pure acting followed by the surprise as he responded back, it is worth it.
I think we have the same husband or possibly his twin!!!
I am the *breadwinner* right now in my family, I have been married for 20 years this past December. When my kids were little, my husband and his father owned their own business. I worked for a large coporation with better benefits and a lot less stress than his situation with his dad. He was going to end up having a heart attack if we didn’t figure out something. it just so happened that my daughter started getting sick and her doctor felt like it was daycare that was preventing her from healing properly. We took it as an opportunity to get him out of a terrible situation and help our daughter at the same time. So, he became a stay at home dad. He was finally getting time with our daughter who before that wouldn’t even talk to him -she was my little clingon. My son was in school already, but he didn’t have to worry any longer about after school care or summer camps or babysitters. It was actually really really nice. We suffered financially some – we gave up a lot of things in order to make this work. And, it did work. He was actually very happy. He had time to work out and take care of himself for once in his life. He LOVED the schedule he and my daughter kept and he loved being able to connect with the kids again.
I had some difficulty with being *poor* again and sometimes resented them being outside at the pool when I had to be at work. I resented the bills that piled up and yes, I felt like I bore the responsibility of the family on my shoulders at times. I knew I couldn’t quit no matter how bad things got in my own office, and I sometimes felt stuck and resentful. Most of the time, however, I felt really proud of my husband for what he was doing. Other moms won’t let your husband come over for play dates and are uncomfortable with a man at a playground. Other dads act like asses when your husband doesn’t work. They all looked down on him. It was really weird, how others reacted to it. My own dad said he needed to get a job and help his family! I was so horrified by that. WE had decided on this course of action and WE were going to make it work. My husband was not a bum and not a loser. He was helping our family in ways I’m not sure I could. Now, here we are later and he’s teaching and coaching – both are part time jobs that he loves. Neither pays much, but it’s more than nothing and he still has plenty of time with the kids and me. I still get upset about the money sometimes, but that’s my problem, not his. I still get frustrated and want to quit working and let someone take care of me every now and again, but I really don’t want that. I love to work. I love my kids. I like the balance that we have. It’s not always about money. But, the stay at home dad gig is NOT easy and it’s NOT for everyone. You have to both be committed to it and realize that the benefits for the kids far outweighs the little irritating things that come with it. My kids are both in high school now and are very happy, well adjusted and intelligent kids. It worked out.
I am a stay at home dad and I am happy without a part time job… I do writing as hobby though and it takes up any free time that I may get, so maybe you are right about having something else to do like a part time job making SAHD happy, or stay at home moms for that matter, but I would argue that could be said about anyone, not just stay at home parents, the important thing may be to not get too caught up in one thing, whatever that may be, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Anyway, main thing is that I love being a stay at home dad, aside from living on one income, but is still worth it and I wish I could do it forever, but, alas, my kids are growing up.
Becoming a stay at home dad was the biggest mistake of my life. To do this I quit a good job that I was lucky to have since I do not have a degree of any kind. My spouse has an MBA and works in a high level position. She could not handle the stress of climbing the ladder and being a mother at the same time. Now five years later I am looking at having to work at taco bell while I attempt to get a divorce and my wife just cruises along with her six figure income. The kicker is that even though her income will outpace mine tenfold I will still need to pay child support. So all of you men out there that think this is a great idea, be warned it can backfire in a big way and you to can have the opportunity to live in poverty. Keep it in your pants and stay single forever.
Wow, Thank you for this post! I ran across this while searching for advise from other working moms who were struggling with their own SAHDs who weren’t pulling their weight in the relationship. What I found here was contempt and self righteousness staring back at me in the mirror. Reading this has made me realize I needed to stop scrutinizing and passing so much judgement and start communicating with and supporting him in his role as much as he has been doing for me and our family.