My own marriage and the myth of the stay-at-home dad
For those of you who don’t know what’s going on in my marriage, please read My First Day of Marriage Counseling, and maybe you will want to leave a comment about how if you were my husband, you’d divorce me for blogging about my marriage.
My husband, in fact, has brought up divorce for other reasons. I am not totally sure which ones, to be honest, but I think it is career related since I have a great career and his sort of stalled when he became a stay-at-home dad and then went to hell from there.
I know that there are a lot of stay-at-home dads. But while it may seem like there are a lot who are happy, I think it’s really just that every single one of the happy ones is blogging.
There are a lot of stay-at-home dads in my neighborhood. After all, I live in a town where you can buy a house for under $200,000, so living on one income is not that hard here. That’s part of the reason we moved to Madison.
So my friend who writes for a very huge and widely read publication needed some stay-at-home dads to interview. And I said, “I know a bunch. I’ll give you names.” But you know what? None of them would talk. And of course my husband would not talk, because stay-at-home parenting has been a disaster for us. And if you ask all the high-level women who have men at home with their kids, (there are tons) their husbands are not talking.
So I’m going to tell you the truth about stay-at-home dads: The happy ones are working part-time at something they love. This is not surprising because the majority of women with kids would rather work part-time than either stay-at home full-time or work full-time. Which explains why we’re done with the stay-at-home dad routine.
Not that I really know what my husband is doing, though, because we are barely talking. We are doing what I imagine lots of couples do when things fall apart: Acting totally normal at events where normal families show up as families, and then pretending we don’t know each other at home.
And I do feel a little like I don’t know him. Last night I accepted a LinkedIn invitation from a friend. I went immediately to see our common connections – my favorite thing to on LinkedIn — and, there was my husband.
I wasn’t shocked that she knew him. I was shocked by what he wrote for his profession. Stay-at-home dad, former online game producer.
Surely writing stay-at-home dad on a LinkedIn profile cannot be good. But that’s what he is, so what else is he going to write? I went to LinkedIn to investigate the stay-at-home situation. When I searched the string “stay at home”, I got 471 results. It makes sense, I guess, because the biggest problem people have when they leave work to take care of a kid is that they lose their contacts. So LinkedIn would be an obvious thing to do to make going back to work easier.
The list was mostly moms. The first guy I saw was not only a stay-at-home dad, but in his special skills section he lists “baby stuff”.
As the career expert in my household, I always think I’m ten steps ahead of my husband. But I didn’t know that somewhere in the back of his mind, while we’re at soccer games and swimming lessons, he has been wrestling with the question of what to write on LinkedIn, which is really the question of how to present himself professionally when he’s abandoned his profession. I feel very lucky that I’m the one who kept up a career.
So we are interviewing babysitters because my husband needs time to think, and you can’t think about the state of your life and what to do about it when you are taking care of kids.
While I was conducting an interview, my husband was scurrying around getting camp lunches ready for the next day. This is an endearing thing about my husband – he is the king of details, and I am terrible with them. Every time there is something wrong in the lunchbox, my son comes home and asks if I could please not pack his lunch anymore.
So my husband was running around the house and he bumped into me. A normal thing to do would be to say I’m sorry. But we are not talking to each other. And the babysitter saw that an opportunity to be normal was somehow missed.
I needed to say something to explain the weirdness, because good babysitters do not work in homes of messed up families. I thought a little story might make things feel like I have some control. So I said, “Um. My husband and I are, uh. Well. We are…”
And the babysitter said, “Oh, don’t worry. I know. I read your blog.”
“If I was your husband, I'd divorce you for blogging about you marriage.” It’s over, and it’s your fault. Quit trying to feed your ego– it’s already the largest thing in the room. Posting about this is just plain wrong. It’s not courageous. It’s not worth applauding. It’s not helping you rebuild your marriage. It’s helping Penelope Trunk’s ego. You are building yourself up at the expense of your husband. If this is how you’ve been acting in your relationship, how could you blame him for not wanting to talk to you? If it makes you feel good to get all this stroking from anonymous commenters then have at it. But unless you stop ripping on your husband you will be in a situation where you will be writing one final post about this topic– how your marriage just ended. If you, as a career expert, can’t lovingly provide supportive career advice to one of the most important people in your life then why should anybody listen to your advice?
I’m glad to read these posts and I hope the negative comments don’t put you off.
I was wondering (haven’t read all the archives if you addressed it) if you think the move itself to Madison affected your marriage too? Because there are just fewer jobs there than NYC and he might feel more trapped?
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This is an excellent question. I think the answer is probably yes, but problems are not so simple as 800 word blog posts and a comment string. I am not really sure about the answer. I think that stay at home parents have trouble going back to work in any city they live in. It’s a problem that permeates most of the business world.
–Penelope
“One thing I've come to hate – advice from other people that have no idea what your life is. Good luck to you – and I look forward to more posts.”
An excellent way to cut down on that is to not your side of the story on the internet.
First time reader . . . ever think that your man may have “abandoned” his career to support yours? I did just that, and later went thru a period of bumping into my spouse and not apologizing. We came thru it intact, not everyone does. But if you really feel he’s the anti-careerist, anal retentive lunch packer you describe in this post, maybe you’d be better off apart. If that happens, lucky you kept up that career, you can pay a sitter to pack the kids’ lunches.
ps – I have no idea what I want to do, and it feels great!
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Hi. Welcome to Brazen Careerist :)
I have written for years now about our process of deciding that he would stay home. So the answer is yes, he did it to support my career. You can look in the parenting category of the blog to read more about this — we started out doing shared care – equal parenting. But he couldn’t find a job he liked that would enable that. I think that for most families, working out careers and childcare is very complicated — especially when the parents don’t want to leave the kids with a nanny all day.
–Penelope
I know that anecdotes are worth approximately the amount of air it takes to retell them, but I have one anyway. I work with young special needs kids. Parenting these children is not the same as being “just” a SAHD. One of my heroes is a Korean man who came to the U.S. as an adult. He struggles with the language, but he’s bright and motivated. His wife works in fashion design, he stays home with their TWO autistic sons. He works harder than most people I know, including working on himself to improve his ability to cope with an extraordinarily challenging parenting situation. His children are flourishing in his care (including all the therapies he drives them to, school district meetings, home visits, etc., that he arranges and attends).
I don’t think his wife packs any lunches, either. And it seems to work for them (although she’s a bit indignant that the kids don’t hug her when she gets home from work.) I would be incredulous, though, if at any point she implied that HE was dogging it.
Sorry about your marriage. But please don’t generalize.
My husband and I have been married 17 years. We married young – 22. We have three kids – our natural child, 16, and two special needs kids we adopted from foster care – one with autism, one with cerebral palsy.
My husband has been a stay-at-home dad for nearly 13 years, no part time job. He volunteers – at school, coaching, teaching art, and with the homeowner’s association, cub scouts, little league, etc. That’s practically a full-time job on its own.
He’s standing behind me saying that posts like yours are what make it hard to be a SAHD. People generally assume SAHD’s feel emasculated for staying home with the kids. He loves his job. Where else, he says, can you get a job that lets you shoot 32 holes of golf every week? (ok, he concedes, doctor is the other).
Our marriage is better than ever. Your husband being a SAHD dad may be your issue, but your generalizations are NOT true for all.
PS – my hubby doesn’t blog, either.
“every single one of the happy ones is blogging.”
Those happy blogging one need not necessarily be making their family happy right?
I’ve no idea how your husband is or how you are and neither do I wish to know at the moment. But how is your kid? I sincerely wish to know.
I’m a stay at home mom. I can be happy blogging here but my kids may not be happy if I sit all my time at my pc reading stuff about others and neglecting my duty as their primary caregiver and then write about my problems for others to read.
I do not mean to complain about you at all because everyone of us have our own issues and I’m ofcourse a much much simpler person than you are. I just think it is great that your kid has a stay at home dad. If you are earning well I think both of you could be happy with what you are earning and take care of the children the right way. Some are not able to afford this because they do not have the financial freedom to do this.
If you are those who have stable financial income and one of the parent taking care of the child, it is the best the child can ever get.
May be just a suggestion, you can be grateful to your husband for taking care of your child as you are making money for the family and similarly your husband thankful to you for making the money while he takes care the child, and give him a time off from his baby sitting job to do something that he wishes, even if it just to sit down in the sofa or go to a yoga class or going those linkedin things. Consider that he is doing a work too.his can ease your situation. It has been a long time that housewives have invented the term homemaker. Because it is one of the important job and is quite necessary in the wake of the situation where child abuse cases are becoming common.
http://www.care2.com/c2c/share/detail/431524?pid=163874501
Please check this site too if you have some time…
http://www.care2.com/c2c/group/CACA
It is pretty sad to see how kids are affected. When he have the ability to save our kid let us do that. I’m sure you love your husband and your kid. So just take care.
It is very much clear that you have moved to Madison so that you can live with one person’s income and so I think your move is a right one for now.
If at all your husband wishes to go back to work and has problem getting one, may be it is just that it is taking little time and he might get a right one soon. And make use of the present time to present quality time for your kid.
I can’t say much, since I just found this blog – I just wanted to say that our family is two months into the full-time SAHD / WOHM structure after trying the full-time two-income structure and, before that, the traditional full-time SAHM / WOHD structure.
So far, so great. DH does great with the kids (16 month twins), we are working through how to divide the housework, and I am getting much more sleep now that DH is home more. We are both getting more free time and time to pursue hobbies.
However, DH also never enjoyed working. He worked internal technical support, had lousy hours, mediocre benefits, insufficient paid time off, and the constant stress of trying to balance work and fatherhood. Plus he just doesn’t like working for “The Man”. So he was pretty okay with the career change. I was 110% behind it, because if he didn’t quit his job then I was going to quit mine – and I love my job. However, being a two-income family was horrible for us and, having done the SAHM thing for eight months before returning to work, I knew it was better.
I would like to see him go back to work at least part-time someday, and continue his education in the meantime. I don’t think he wants that for himself right now, though. He seems to be settling in comfortably right where he is – at home. And I love working full-time without the two-income stress.
Oh, and he doesn’t have a blog :-)
At least, not yet.
Good luck with your marriage problems.
I call myself a WAHD – Work at Home Dad, and I love it.
“So I'm going to tell you the truth about stay-at-home dads: The happy ones are working part-time at something they love.”
So, I chuckled at this statement, because I think it may be true. Although, the Stay At Home Dad’s I know are all doing something while at home. I don’t know a Stay At Home Dad who has no drive to do any sort of work. Maybe, that’s just my friends, but We all have something to work on. Albeit, some of it may not be income producing, there is some passion driving them.
Yet, I miss the days where being passionate as a parent could suffice. I definitely think there is a culture working against the stay at home parent (mom or dad). Although, I do feel that a stay at home dad has much less outlet for social events, play dates, etc.
Follow your passion, Feel the love, and communicate.
Penelope, I hope everything works well for your family. Kids suffer a lot when things don’t work between parents. I’ve a brother who thinks it is ok for parents to live seperate instead of fighting together which is harder for the kids. I think parents are adults and we should be able to understand and workout something together. But I know it is all very very hard. You are an intelligent person and I’m sure you’ll find your way out.
Research has shown around 80% of people who initiate divorce are financially dependent on their spouse. Usually, it’s the woman, but no mistaking who wears the pants in your family.
You’ve lost all respect for your husband, and it seems you haven’t considered the impact on both of your lives of infrequent sex. You are heading for an affair, at least an emotional one that protects your guilt for the time being.
Either way, you can’t go on like this. Only chance for you to be happy is to respect him again, and he isn’t going to earn that respect telling you he needs time to think. He needs a major attitude adjustment, and that doesn’t come from hiring a babysitter.
"So I'm going to tell you the truth about stay-at-home dads: The happy ones are working part-time at something they love."
As a stay at home dad with three small children – going through a separation and imminent divorce, I totally agree – of course. My heart is totally in the jobs I do from home. And they enable me to be there for my kids whenever I’m needed.
For me, the main issue of divorce is not who gets what, or who is to blame – but what happens to the children. Most states now require special counseling sessions about the impact of divorce on children – before they allow the divorce to go through. I will gladly sit in these sessions so at least I will know what to expect in the future behavior and character of my kids.
My advice to you is to take it slow, and place your children first. If that means taking a bullet in the teeth – so be it. If the kids come out somewhat ok – then you have succeeded and done what is right.
Good luck and God Bless;
I have always believed that the ideal arrangement is a mom and a dad who both had part-time jobs/businesses/careers in something they enjoy, shared child care responsibilities, and as close to equal incomes as they can get.
For real LinkedIn fun, search on “wage slave.”
Can’t help but notice that there isn’t anything about marriage, husband, or relationship in your list of categories. Do you really care if he leaves you?
First time reader… I came across your blog because it had some good tips on workplace relations.
I’m sorry and sad to hear that your marriage isn’t going so well at the moment. I pray that your marriage survives this low point.
You make the following point:
“This is an endearing thing about my husband – he is the king of details, and I am terrible with them.”
I haven’t been married long, but my wife leaves me little notes around the house, telling me she loves me, and points out the little things she loves about me. I make a point of telling her the same. We fall in love all over again during these moments. This really helped when our daughter developed eczema when she was two months old.
I won’t pretend to know what either of you are going through, so all I can do is to share what I’ve found to be a great piece of marriage “glue”.
I hope that you both work out how to fall in love again soon, and regularly.
I’m coming to this a little late but wanted to respond to this blog, given how much attention it has garnered and my primary focus as a filmmaker.
I’m currently making a documentary film about involved fatherhood called “The Evolution of Dad” and so the topic of stay-at-home-dad is something I’ve been studying fairly closely.
So much of the contentment of SAHD’s depends on how they perceive themselves. The message that our culture gives is that SAHDs are emasculated and lazy and failures. There are certainly many SAHDs out there who feel isolated and worthless as a result. And then there are SAHDs who have embraced (some even chosen) their status as primary caregiver and find incredible fulfillment in it. Being at home, whether it’s a mom or a dad, is certainly not for everyone – but if one can get past all of the cultural messages, there’s incredible value in taking care of the kids, both for the dads and the children.
I appreciate Penelope’s perspective – it’s certainly a valid one – but it’s also clouded by the emotional turmoil she and her family are currently immersed in. There seems to be a lot of ego and power games going on that are unfortunate in the running of a family.
I recently read a book by Julie Shields, titled “How To Avoid The Mommy Trap” and thought it was illuminating, not just for moms but for dads as well. The book does a good job at going into things to talk about before getting married, pertaining to child care, etc. It’s a worthwhile read and can be a useful tool to help a couple avoid where Penelope and her husband are at in their relationship.
Hope this is helpful.
Dana Glazer
I’ve been married 23 years now and we have a great 12 year old son.
We both work, but since our son was born I’ve done the bulk of the parenting and the general housework and I can identify with your husband.
Men think differently than women and have different needs. Modern culture rejects this notion as sexist but that doesn’t make it untrue.
A real man takes care of his family. Period. If his children require full time care that only a parent can give and his wife makes more money, he will become a SAHD. He does this because he is a man and a dad, not because he is a FAILURE as you seem to imply.
Do you allow him time for himself? Or are you too busy with your career and your blog? Do you ever consider how diffiult raising an Autistic child FULL TIME must be?
On a seperate not check this website: Autisticvision.com. Dr. Kaplan has done a lot of work using special eyeglasses to help autistic children move more into the mainstream and his success rate is high.
Hmm, here’s an idea. Instead of hiring a babysitter, cut back on your own career. If you can both survive one income, why not split it between the two of you? How could you expect that of your husband without being willing to do it yourself?
BOTH of you need to be proud of your work outside the home. Though human beings should be defining themselves for a myriad of other reasons, most people do define themselves through their careers. You need to let your husband know that you really admired his career before children and you can’t wait for him to get back to feeling like he’s offering something to the Gaming community again. And you can pretend like he is a client, using all of the knowledge you’ve amassed to help HIS career for a little while.
And this comes from a person who thinks there’s not a problem in the world with a woman working and a man staying home, lest you think me misogynistic.
Um, your writing about your husband is abusive and rude.
I hope you two do get a divorce, for his sake, since you are obviously keeping him down.
Wow, this post and the one re: your first day of counseling positively drips with contempt for your husband, especially his professional choices. Considering the nature of *your* profession, this reads as especially harsh.
I wish you all the best, in whatever form that takes. For myself, the dissolution of my miserable first marriage opened the door to my amazing second marriage. Which, now that I think about it, is probably amazing only because I learned so much in breaking the first one, then trying to fix it. Namely: some things can’t be unbroken, so if you value them, don’t break them.
p.s. I found this post by way of your Huffington Post bit on September 11, which was brilliant.
To the person who said, “I couldn’t do it. Maybe I’m sexist, but …”
There’s nothing sexist about saying, “I couldn’t do it.” However, I, a woman, also take the position that I couldn’t do it. What is sexist (not in you, but in society!) is that men can make that statement without apology or explanation!
I just surfed into this blog tonight for the 1st time…and it’s almost like a parallel universe to my life!
I too am the main breadwinner (in online marketing, no less), while my husband has been “trying out” staying at home now for 4 years. He’s started a part-time gig this summer and I’m hopeful it will continue because he’s terrible at staying home.
We have also just recently started marital counseling.
Thank you so much for including your honest words about the marriage part of “the intersection.” Those words helped me tonight.
I want to quote “Chris” directly and explain something to her. I assume Chris is a female by the way she phrases her complaint.
Chris says, “Not to start a gender-based flame war, but why is it that the majority of male comments on this post are full of advice on what you should or shouldn't be doing right now, while the women are offering you support in this painful time?
Balancing work, kids, and a relationship is extremely difficult (I would argue almost impossible) in our society. All of us have our own unique struggles. I can't pretend to know what is right or will work for you or your husband or your kids and I don't think anyone else does either.
So don't let those guys who think they know how to fix you tell you what to do. Only you know what is right for you. Find your center and you will do the right thing.”
Posted by Chris | July 20, 2007
What Chris does not seem to understand is that MEN respond to comments or complaints as a challenge that needs to be “fixed.” This is how we are wired. It is not that we don’t care, it is because we DO care that we give the advice.
Women often respond to that same scenario by offering suport or the “Shoulder to cry on.” Many times when a woman complains, she does not want advice, she wants to vent. We men often fail to see that and mistakenly offer advice in an attempt to help. This is often the source of frustration for both sexes and the cause of the “Crossed Wires” people often speak of.
Does this answer your question Chris?
Now, another topic:
Penelope wrote, “I know that there are a lot of stay-at-home dads. But while it may seem like there are a lot who are happy, I think it's really just that every single one of the happy ones is blogging.”
I am a stay at home dad. I am a stay at home dad for 2 reasons: The first is that my wife and I chose that I would stay at home with the children when we moved so that she could take a position as a Nurse Practitioner after she graduated. I was a “Customer Engineer” which meant I was a glorified maintenance technician for the credit card manufacturing industry. I had to be part Machanic, part Electrician, and part computer Tecnician. I used to build and repair the machines that make just about everyone’s credit cards. It was not a bad paying job but it didn’t pay as much as a Nurse Practitioner.
My second reason for becoming a stay at home dad was for health reasons. I had just had surgery for bi-lateral Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and I needed time to heal. Then my back went out. Then I ended up in the hospital with a suspected heart attack. The suspected heart attack became FibroMyalgia. I have now been told that I suffer from Severe Cluster Headaches. For those that don’t know, This basically means that my own immune system is attacking my body and I have the worst type of Migraine headaches there are. So, I stay at home because I cannot work. I do odd jobs when I can. Little things like fix a computer for someone, fix a doorknob here, paint a wall there… but only when I am able. If I over exert myself I pay for it.
As a stay at home dad, I can answer why the unhappy dads don’t blog. You would have to be pretty darn stupid to cut your own throat at home.
If you are already fighting, why on Earth would you give the other side amunition?
By the way: If you are an at home dad and you are looking for “A shoulder to cry on” or even some advice, here is a link to check out. http://sahd.melknight.net/index.php
The previous link is for an At Home Dad Forum. It is a group of at home dads who help each other deal with the every day problems that come our way. We talk about everything from the isolation we experience in society to what kinds of foods we like to make for the kids. We deal with the issues of spousal respect or the lack of it and we deal with the issues of our own self respect. If you are interested in checking the group out click this link: http://sahd.melknight.net/index.php
Thank you for your post. It’s opened my eyes on how abusive I am to my SAH hubby. Like you, I have a successful career that has no way to go but up. He was quite successful as an engineer (I was the SAHM then) before we switched at some point, so he could be fully supportive of my career as a physician. (Can’t go pack lunches or go to PTA now with millions of patients to see, can I?) Now that our daughter’s in elementary school, he’s thinking of going back to work, but time has gone by, and he needs to update his skills. I am getting impatient, and we’re starting to argue. (Spouses with high-powered careers are just so much more attractive, aren’t they?) The thing is, he stopped his career while he was on the rise, FOR ME. I should never forget that. While we did not actually mutually agree that he should stay home, he decided that I would be more successful if he completely unburdered me from parenting while training and starting my career. HE WAS RIGHT. I have decided to go to counselling, because I’m abusive and disrespectful. He was never abusive to me when I was the SAHM. It is not for me to judge your attitude or relationship with your husband. I am judging myself.
Interesting post. I took it that you didn’t appreciate your husband much in a couple places, but I read your post about 9/11 and your husband, and I’m not so sure that’s how you intended to come off.
I want to respond to Hugh’s comments though, as I must respectively disagree with his assertions. I don’t think this is because men are built a certain way. There have been women (post above mine) that are clearly disagreeing with some aspects of the post.
It seems to me that women are more likely to respond to women, and to understand what they are going through, the same as men are more likely to respond and understand men. I would hazard a guess if I put the exact same post on another blog, replacing he with she, and vice versa, that the women would be giving advice, while the men would be in support.
It’s always easy to understand our own points of view, it’s a much harder task to understand how others might feel.
Also, I think the link to Happy SAHD was posted far too many times, and for that I apologize, it seems almost like advertising to me.
Distatica –
Could you tell us what you feel is the job description of a stay at home dad. What tasks ought he be responsible for?
Thanks
Grr.. sent that off too quickly. I wanted to say, I’m a SAHD, happy as heck with the job. It’s a tough job, but it’s well worth it. I have the respect of my wife, and those that I talk to; I endure disrespect from a large amount of our society and I can understand how that is tough on SAHDs. If you have a spouse at home, male or female, go give them a big hug and kiss — and tell them how much you appreciate it.
I posted the link twice for those who read my second post and did not care to go back to the first. I apologise if it seemed like advertising. It was not meant to be. It was just done for convenience. If you are curious about the link I am afraid you will have to search back through the previous posts to find it because I certainly don’t want to advertise. I just want the people who could be helped to find it.
While there are plenty of women who are indeed giving advice and a few men who are offering support, a much larger portion of women than men are just offering support. I was merely trying to point out to Chris what the reason was for that. I did not say that men were incapable of offering support or that women were unlikely to offer advice. It has been shown scientifically that men and women respond differently to stimuli like this. Women tend to nurture. Men tend to try to DO something to fix the problem. Thus, women tend to offer support and men tend to offer advice. Neither side is WRONG in their approach. They just approach problems differently. Generally. There are often men who act nurturing and there are women who tend to ACT when faced with problems like, this but generally the genders respond the way they are programmed to do by nature and nurture.
Sorry about the misplaced comma in the previous post. It was poor proofreading on my part.
I think the different views of men and women that are sincere would help us learn things that we don’t know. For women it might help to know what men feel and think like and it also helps when we know what other women are felling like. I feel it is just natural for men to write like men and women to write like women. Children being a part of this issue, if a kid was to comment the kid might have given a totally different comment which both men and women haven’t given.
The issue of SAHD or SAHM is for the sake of our children and if we put them first and take a different perspective that the family is one and we are working towards the betterment of the family giving a conducive environment for the children to grow well, we add more value to our life.
Doctors bandaged my eyes shut. My husband held my arm for three days, showing me where to go. For a week, he stayed by my side every moment. I didn't shower. I barely slept. My ability to stay in reality was limited. And he was there the whole time.
(http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/09/11/my-911-day-my-husband-the-meaning-of-my-to-do-list/ )
I hope Penelope things work better for you. I pray you get the kindness that you are seeking for as most of us do.
Good luck. Take care.
I am a stay at home retiree, and yes I blog and write beyond that as well. I investigated consulting and want to pass this info along to any SAHD, especially engineers, who might want to work on a totally flexible schedule for themselves. It is a nonprofit organization, Institute for Independent Business, that I almost joined (but I like staying at home too much!) and that helps a professional get into consulting; no royalty fees – you get to run your own business the way you want. I was impressed and those looking for a way out of the house check it out.
Half of the people commenting here seem very self righteous and probably have no idea what it is like deal with the role reversal, the ingrained societal expectation of the man to provide for the family, and the disparaging comments from friends and family who cannot fathom the idea of the man staying at home. Yes, the SAHD’s role is invaluable, and their are too many kids who suffer greatly from the lack of a father around enough, but there is no reason they can’t be proactive in seeking some kind of part time employment, be it in the home or when their wife is home with the kids. This can be done…it’s called teamwork, and like it or not, women tend not to fully respect men who don’t offer some small way to provide financially for the family. This is why women love it when a man works. It’s ingrained in women, perhaps even biologically to see the man as the protector and provider. They are built for this task. They’re men. Most women with difficult marriages due to resentment regarding this issue would be ecstatic if their husband just contributed even minimally to the finances. Sorry, that’s just how it is. I love your blogs Penelope, and admire your candidness. I don’t doubt that you love your husband. Writing about the problems in this forum beats taking it out on him directly. If only more people were honest about the state of their marriages maybe we wouldn’t all have such warped expectations of how marriage is supposed to be. I believe you speak for millions of marriages and I applaud you.
When I read this I now know why so many women are bitter and hate their husbands. Just like a sahd will grow to hate their wifes.
I do everything..yet when my husband gets home all he asks is ‘What did you do all day?”
Well..made breakfast for the kids, made their lunch, fed and walked the dogs, made all the beds, picked up everything in the house, put all the clean dishes away, washed and dried all the laundry, shopped and started dinner for everyone to eat.
I’m only one year into marriage and already communicate (well, not communicate) like that. I’ve been trying to find a counseling course in my area, and your blog came up in my Google search. I absolutely love how honest and open you are about what’s going on and what you’re feeling. I admire you both for committing to each other and seeking outside help. My husband is very hesitant to get counseling because of the stigmas he has attached to it in his mind, but we’re working on that. Also, I loved reading the specific details and dialogue of counseling; if you left that out, we wouldn’t be able to see the whole story. You give me hope that my marriage can improve if we deal with our problems early on. Good luck and please keep posting!
I noticed that you mentioned that the stay home Dads didn’t want to talk to the reporters. Maybe for some this is genuine shyness. But I think for most — they are not proud of this work. Considering that our society regularly devalues what is considered “woman’s work” – these men must be aware that our culture certainly doesn’t respect them doing it.
If the happy stay-at-home-dad is a myth, why isn’t the successful business woman a myth?
Historically, successful men with families were able to achieve their success by having stay-at-home-moms taking care of everything outside of their business. While most of these women never got the recognition they deserve, looking back it is clear that they were integral to their husbands success.
In this day of more women executives (which is something long past due), why would you assume their success would not require an equally supportive stay-at-home-dad?
Your total lack of respect for your husband is apparrant throughout this blog entry. It seems you’re more interested in CAREERCAREERCAREER then your husband or children. I hope he gets away from you and I hope the kids have a decent amount of contact with him. After all, your CAREERCAREERCAREER comes first right?
I stumbled on your blog just the other day. Being an online writer myself AND involved in software marketing, I thought HEY this is a blog I can really connect with. Looking through your blog I saw the title for this post and uh-oh, got to read that because… I have a stay-at-home hubby too.
Only in my case, when he resigned from his ‘corporate job’, he joined me and we ended up sharing ‘office space’ instead of him just doing house chores if you know what I mean. We’re together 24h a day. And while some couples get nauseous at just the thought of that… we’ve been at it for almost 2 years now. Guess I’m lucky :) (knock on wood!)
Dear Penelope,
You know, it’s not bad if a husband needs to work as part of his personal MO, or even if he has to be a bigshot at it. I am not big on the “boys like blue and girls like pinki- get used to it” arguement. So consider it his unique attribute as the person you love. Hopefully that will alleviate any counter-pressure you might feel to measure up to a standard that is not you. I’m praying for your marriage.
Oh, one book that really worked for my relationships (Not just marriage) is “The Five Love Languages”- the original version, not the spinnoffs for singles, children (Etc).
Personally, I think anyone can get something from it. It helps you to understand someone’s way of communicating and the needs they only express subconsciously. It helped me most to find closure on my own with some authority figures in my life: all without having to confront them in accusatory confrontation (And Hey, I can confront no problemo).
Good luck,
SJ
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Hey I am a stay at home dad going through a divorce. I gotta say I am glad you are at least trying. My biased feelings at the moment make me think that you really have no respect for your usband being a stay at home dad. I know my wife doesn’t respect me for it. She even told me … ” You should be proud of your time as a stay at home dad…. but ashaimed of yourself for not being establised in a career at 36.”
I think one of the problems with being a stay at home dad is that no matter what the wife claimes to think she can’t respect him and on some level feels guilty for not being at home with the kids.
I havn’t read all your blog yet but here is some of my situation.
I have asked for Marraige counceling for the past 5 years. She refuses telling me I am the only one with a problem. Until one day when our emotionally immature 8 year old starts having problems. Then we do about 5 sessions. The things she said she would do in the sessions never happen. Then rather than her cut back at work or sell our big home, or temporarily seperate she decides on divorce.
She assumed that I would just walk away. When I didn’t she kidnaps the kids and files a bogus restraining order. Thank God the judge saw how bogus it was and didn’t grant it. Now she has gone on a smear campaign in our community all the lady gossips at my kids school won’t talk to me any more and stair at me like I am some kind of psycho. One whome I have never socialized with felt she needed to tell me off just the other day. Just to get things straigt I was faithful never beat her, don’t do drugs, and I am not a drunk.
I am guilty of yelling, screaming, crying, and begging for her to treat me as an equal partner and with respect. So as you know she also doesn’t share any of the money. She felt and said so that because she is the mother that I should get the house and the kids and I should just leave. Lucky for me the law as brutal as it can be doesn’t agree with her.
Okay sorry I just say an opertunity to express frustrations. I am sure you did not financially and emotionaly abuse your husband as I have been. But please for the sake of your kids do not try and take the kids away from him. Don’t lie and demonize him to your friends.
Be a friend and an adult. If you want to save you family then love the man for gods sake. Even if you do divorce do your darndest to be friends. I can’t even tell you what this ugly divorce war my wife started is doing to my kids.
What your wife did to you is brutal. Usually, the partner that stays at home feels somewhat powerless. After all money is power. I hope you heal after the horrible experience and get on with your life. Divorce brings out the worst in people, I know someone who gorilla-glued his wife’s shoes to the floor.
I’m a breadwinner wife with a stay-at-home dad. He is miserable and complains endlessly, which drives me crazy. Interesting fact: when I tell people he’s a SAHD, they look puzzled and ask me what he does all day. No one would ask that of a mom, would they? Now I tell them he’s retired, and no one questions that. Very sad.
It is OK to be a stay at home dad.
Just according to the family needs and don’t feel so hard for the sake of face.
I totally get what your saying. We live in a testosterone encased society where even though our husband’s may be better equipped to stay at home with the kids, in general society raises an eyebrow. I applaud the husband who can list himself as “stay at home” and hope that some day the testosterone-embalmed mindsets that frown on this activity simply fade away.
I know that I’m a little late in the game but I saw this blog and wanted to add my thoughts just in case it’s still being followed. I am a stay at home dad and you can talk to me anytime you’d like. There is no shame in being one and dealing with whatever feelings I have about this choice that I was very much in control of…it was my choice just like it is every other man’s choice. Whenever I have feelings that are out of line with what it means to be an adult, and a great father, dealing with adult issues like raising my wonderful little boy, I think about him first. When it's all said and done that's where the buck stops. My son did not choose to come here; he was created by God through my wife and me. I suppose I am so grateful to have him in my life that putting my needs last and my son’s first (although not a natural inclination at first) has become natural for me. Anyone who is bitter or resentful in even the smallest way about the awesome responsibility of being with their children is sorely missing the point. IT IS A SACRIFICE.
Great advice from a wise 27 year old ;)
I found this blog completely by accident. I am in a very different place in my life than any of you. Attending a highly social justice focused University, I wrote many papers on this issue, so I couldn’t stop myself–I had to comment. So here is the scoop: Recent surveys show women making more money than men in large cities such as Boston and New York. Some new studies are showing that it might actually be possible to ‘produce’ offspring without sperm. Women form better immunity to viral diseases and so are more likely to survive in case of an outbreak. Math and Science campaigns focus on getting more girls in those fields and computer science also, and it is working. My Calculus II class consists of six ladies and one gentleman, three of those ladies are computer science majors. It wasn’t like that 8 years ago when I first attended college. My point is that the idea of a man being the head of the household isn’t valid anymore, and the only reason men were ahead until recently is because women were locked up in the house? So it is possible that men feel threatened by women. All you guys out there, honestly tell me that you never made some negative comment about women thinking they’re all that…
The truth is, it doesn’t matter what you do, just how you do it. CONFIDENCE IS BEAUTIFUL. If you are content with your life it will show, and anyone making stupid comments about SAHDs is jeleous of your happiness. My husband is a much better ‘mommy’ then me :-) and he glows with pride. He was a business owner and was gone 6 days a week. I was a stay at home mom. It wasn’t working for us so he sold his business and I went back to college. Now I’m gone most of the time, and he is home. I think any problems we had in our marriage (we were seperated for 6 months) were gone after we switched roles. My kids prefer playing with daddy. Men have a natural tendency to ‘act like children’, so don’t fight it guys!
Anyways, good luck in your career centered lives but if you feel like something isn’t right, take a break and rethink your values. I read some of you saying that you could easily live comfortably from one of your incomes but choose to both work. Seriously is there anyone out there that thinks this is normal?