I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I'm impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can't get any peace and quiet in his own house. That's what he'd tell you.
And he'd tell you that I should be medicated.
I'm trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don't have a career then it's pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven't noticed. I'm not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can't even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It's my fault. I deserve it. He's right. I'm impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don't write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it's not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I've never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there's a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don't let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It's fun to have a career. It's fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don't need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I'm pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it's all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I'd be better and they'd like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I'm writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We're going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn't mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That's how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me.