8 Tips for anger management
People at work are asking me why I am not working as many hours as I used to. I am. But I am working on anger management. Here are seven tips I’ve tried using:
1. Face the problem and make it a priority.
I used to think anger management problem is a thing for men who are in prison for setting their wives on fire. Now I see it's a problem for people who think they will get fired for being unpleasant. Or for people who think their kids will grow up and hate them for being emotionally unpredictable.
I am both those people.
2. Focus on your trigger points.
The time I most consistently lose my temper is trying to get the kids out of the house in the morning. So I told myself to not lose my temper.
That didn't work.
So I have been waking up at 5:30 because I need to give myself two hours to be completely organized and calm so that I can get the kids and myself out the door for school and work at 7:30 without screaming at the kids for not eating fast enough because I changed my clothes for work three times and got behind and forgot to make lunches.
I thought of having the nanny come in the morning to help me. But I hate feeling like I'm married to the nanny, and I hate feeling like I can't do normal parenting things on my own. The mornings with the kids seem theoretically intimate, and making school lunches seems like a rite of passage for moms with school-aged kids. I want all that.
3. Use deep breathing to regulate stress.
I have been doing Ashtanga yoga for ten years. I thought I was amazing at yoga, but now I see that the point of yoga, calming, centering, whatever, is lost on someone who is focusing on the routine of fifty push-ups and five headstands. Now the breathing resonates with me, when I do it at 5:30 am as a desperate attempt to keep myself calm long enough to get to work.
3. Have a regular sleep schedule to improve your ability to self-regulate.
I pack the school lunches the night before. And I pick out my clothes the night before. The guys I work with think I don't ever change my clothes. This is sometimes true. Especially when I'm depressed. But a lot of times I change my clothes but all my clothes look the same so I don't even get credit for having thought about it the night before.
To get up at 5:30 am with a good night's sleep I have to go to bed at 9:30pm which means I have to get the kids to bed by 8pm so I can have an hour to do lunches and clothes and washing my face, which, if you are my age, takes ten minutes because of all the cream stuff I use.
I do not explain this when a co-worker asks why I don't have twenty minutes to fix home page copy at 8:30 pm.
4. Accept that every day includes unpredictability, and that's okay.
So it's a regular day where I am insanely regimented in a desperate effort to not be angry but at 7am I realize that I forgot to pack to go to the farmer's house. I also realize that it's freezing outside, and I didn't put the car in the garage and it's going to take ten minutes of warming up the car so I can scrape the ice.
Then my seven-year-old can't find socks without holes in them.
I change my clothes so I can scrape the ice and I yell from my bedroom that he should look in his brother's drawer for socks.
He yells back up that he wants me to sew the socks so that we are not wasting. “It's recycling,” he yells.
5. Understand the true source of your frustration.
Then the boys have a fist-fight about who is wearing whose socks. I do not catch them until there's a cheek scrape which upsets me because now my four-year-old will go to school looking like he lives in a boxing ring.
I have prepared myself for a moment like this: I identify that I am not upset with my sons but upset with what the world thinks of me as a parent. I tell myself I am good at self-regulation and I do not take this frustration out on my children.
I say, “Put on nice socks and let's have breakfast.” I want to tell you I used a calm voice, but I worry I used a psycho, calm-before-the-storm voice.
6. Understand the impact food has on your moods.
I make waffles. I watch the kids eat squishy, warm, covered-in-syrup waffles. I watch them wash down the drippy syrup with marsh-mallowed hot chocolate. I am convinced that when I eat sugar and bread it makes me crazy–that I just want more and then cannot think of anything else. (There is such interesting research on this. Click here: A study about how civilization is based on the opiate effect of grains on humans.) It takes every bit of self-discipline in my body not to steal scraps of waffle from the four-year-old's plate. I need to remember to not give him so much. I need him to feel more protective of his portion.
7. Use solutions-based language in tense conversations.
I want so much to be remembered as a dream mom that I put their mittens and coats over the heater so they are warm after breakfast.
The kids don’t notice warmness because they are punching each other, furtively, like I'm not going to see them if it's under their jackets.
As we walk out the door, my seven-year-old starts crying: the snow pants in his backpack are wrong.
I tell him those are to keep at school. I tell him I am streamlining our morning by keeping snow pants at school so we don't have to bring them back and forth.
He does not like his other pair. He is crying. I decide I am going to take a firm line because really, it's school that makes him nervous and he finds something to cry about every morning and I have to put a stop to this.
I tell him I already made a decision about the pants. I tell him I am the mom and I already made a decision. This is good. Kids feel secure when they have boundaries and authority.
He screams.
I pound the refrigerator with my fist.
I scream, “Shut the fuck up with the crying.”
I scream, “If you don't quit crying every fucking single morning I'm never taking you to school again.”
That's how it is. Nearly 24 hours of preparation to get through a morning without me yelling, and still, I break thirty rules of anger management in thirty seconds.
My four-year-old says, “Mommy, you're hurting me.” And he covers his ears.
8. Slow down a tough situation so you make good decisions.
I take a time-out for myself in the living room. I say a prayer to the god of anger, if there is one: please let me always pound the refrigerator and not my kids.
I take them to school. I kiss them too much when I say goodbye. I tell them I love them like my life depends on it, while other moms, who clearly do not worry about yelling and maybe don't even worry about waffles, casually do drop-off and drive off to the gym.
Then I go to work, and everyone is laughing and joking about Pee Wee Herman's new show, and I yell, “Arrrggh! Can everyone please shut up for twenty minutes so I can finish my post? I can't think with all the banter.”
Ryan Paugh tells me that it's not that I can't work with talking. I work with talking all the time. He says, “It's self-loathing. Take some responsibility.”
I want to tell him to fuck off. But I need a quiet place to write this post, so I go to his office, and sit on the floor, and I hope he doesn't talk to me, because it's 8:30 am and already I am not having a good anger management day.
I didn’t have an anger problem until I became a mother. Then, quite rapidly, I developed a rage problem. It’s not so bad now, but I think that’s mostly because I’m getting more sleep. My kid doesn’t wake me as much at night as she used to. Whenever I’m not rested, my husband and daughter know that “mean mommy” is likely to surface, so they tip toe around me.
I think the first step to controlling it is just knowing that anger is normal. I spent so much time thinking that something was wrong with me and trying to stuff down and hide the anger. I can tell you: stuffing down anger? It just makes it worse.
I can’t say I’m the world’s best expert on this, because I did just blog about how I had a standoff at a gas station pump, but I can say that what you mention above would have never worked for me. The following things have:
* Staying away from humanity when I feel as if I’m about to explode. I voluntarily put myself in a padded room.
* Walk away from people before I bite their head’s off. Then I do something to change my brain chemistry, usually exercise, but masturbation works rather well, too.
* Write scathing emails to people, and then press the delete button before sending.
* Buddhist compassion meditations. Yes, sounds all new age ish, but it works.
* Speaking up for myself. Usually I get angry when I’ve been silent about something far too long.
* Not living by other people’s rules
* Not worrying about what other people think of me
Thanks for the sage wisdom. I’ve found that de-escalating a situation as soon as it starts to get heated is absolutely vital. I’m not talking about conflict-avoidance because I believe there’s a place for positive conflict that generates ideas and prompts change etc. but when you realize that things could “get ugly” it’s time to ratchet things down. I must admit though that it’s a little amusing to watch people in meetings that have obviously realized they’re at the “time-to-ratchet-down-moment” and knowingly choose to keep needling away.
Penelope as an avid reader I can only say to you that if I look back at the last year of posts I see you have been on an emotional rollercoaster with the stress of the startup getting funding and being a success, your budding relationship with the farmer, aspergers and just the one great constant “change”.
First please cut yourself some slack as you have taken the first step to change, you are fully aware that anger is an issue.
Every parent in every household in the country if not the world has moments like that. I know you want your personal time with the kids but help yourself find your smile and start the day with a bounce in you step. Even if it is only temporarily get the nanny in in the mornings to help.
I want you to know that having read your blog since 2006 and given that I reread your book at least once every couple of months I believe in you and know that you are going to find the best method for you to cope with this. If there is any way we, your readers can do more to support and help then let us know.
p.s. start setting yourself rewards as well, we do it with our kids why not for ourselves.
the comments about anger being an offshoot of fear are spot on.
penelope, maybe instead of working on making mornings go perfectly, you could work on being dispassionate about your older son’s daily crying before going to school. you know it happens regularly, you know he is actually ok and not being threatened, and it is just his way of opening his stress valve and letting out some anxiety.
in your story it seems like that was the final straw for you.
like, maybe if you can learn to view the situation from 10,000 feet, WHILE YOU ARE IN IT, it won’t send you over the edge.
i think what ryan healy said to you is downright mean and i am disappointed in him.
you already know that you don’t want to handle situations the way you did in this story, the day will come when you are in the same situation and you handle it in a way you are proud of. keep your chin up.
i’m definitely starting to think sugar has a much more serious impact on my mood than i ever realized.
Penelope, I love you. As far as the “surgeons” advice for checklists. If I were that organized it wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Put, “poop”, “wipe” on the checklist? You must be kidding me. I think your approach is great, do some planning and try to make it more of a habit, learn from mistakes….Sweety, we moms all have those frustrations…Keep pounding the fridge.
Do you know the real issue? It’s hard to be both parents at once. It just is. I’m hoping the farmer relationship leads to a bit more balance of responsibility. It’s tough being a mom.
I checked out “The Pioneer Woman” site. Excellent. Thank you.
“poop” and “wipe” were for the 4 yr old, not the adult! And yes, before I made her the list she couldn’t remember to wipe AND flush AND wash hands, and now she’s very proud when she “follows the list”.
I do agree though that 2 adults in the morning makes it 1000 times easier. If you can afford the nanny please hire her. At work you hire people to help you run your business better so you can focus on the parts only you can do. Why not at home to help with logistics so you can focus on things like hugs?
Great tips. i need to take this into the office and post it in the break room.
I’m not sure this perspective is welcome, but amid all the cheering let’s not lose sight of the fact that getting the kids ready for school is not exactly rocket science. My wife travels overseas about a week a month, during which I’m responsible for getting our 3 kids off to school and myself off to work. This is generally not a problem. Probably the most effective thing I do to make this easier is to make myself a checklist at the beginning of the week of what needs to be done each evening, which includes making lunches and setting out the kids’ clothes for the next day. This has been so successful that I’ve started doing it every week, not just when my wife is away. Not so much trying to say “yay me” as to point out that this is truly a solvable problem.
I love this post! It really resonates with me. It’s hard to get out of the house every morning and be on time when you spend 20 minutes chasing your toddler around the kitchen table because he doesn’t want to put his coat, shoes, and hat on! And it’s hard not to yell when he’s thrashing around on the floor and the shoe you just managed to get on has been kicked off. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s refreshing to know that other mom’s go through this type of frustration and I’m not alone!
“My wife travels overseas about a week a month, during which I’m responsible for getting our 3 kids off to school and myself off to work.”
Dear Don’t hate me:
Sorry to tell you but standing in for your wife once a month doesn’t even begin to compare with the level of responsibility she carries for this matter and EVERYTHING ELSE SHE HAS TO REMEMBER. Yours is such a funny comment. I’m sorry, but I had to laugh. When you do that you are babysitting. Doesn’t begin to approach the stress that mothers contend with every day 24/7, even while at work.
@Diana: Wow, that’s pretty presumptuous. I carry easily 50% of the childrearing burdens in our family. The only reason I’m not getting them ready for school the other 3 weeks a month is because I go into work early enough that I am home when they get out of school in the afternoon. In addition, until 2 years ago I worked from home for 12 years – most of my childrens’ lives. I’m not just running my mouth; I’ve been in the trenches every bit as much as you have.
@don’t hate me.
Sorry, I took your comment as flippant since many men are really helping out rather than being responsible for the kids. There was nothing in your comment to suggest you were more involved than helping out. Also, the phrase “not exactly rocket science” was a trigger.
Women have more on their minds than PB&J when getting kids ready… like when do I get to have a life or focus only on my career! Most of the aerospace and civil engineers I’ve worked with never had to handle childrearing or other social duties. They left it up to their wives.
Plus, I have watched my daughter become frustrated with her one year old since the baby has been attached to her (literally, since she nurses) since birth. This is not true of her husband, even though he loves and helps with the baby. Answering to the demands and responsibilities of motherhood can be overwhelming by the time they reach school age (thus causing anger). That was my point.
The disparity between the sexes still exists, I’m afraid. If you are helping to eliminate that, then kudos to you.
Apology accepted, @Diana. Can’t really blame you for assuming what is typical. It’s true that far too few men are truly involved in their childrens’ upbringing (especially the hard/not-fun parts). Speaking of triggers, one of mine is when guys talk about “babysitting” their own kids.
FWIW, I’ll say that those all-too-common uninvolved guys are missing out. Lots of the quality time with kids is mixed in with the parts that are hard work.
I miss working from home.
@Don’t hate me:
Agreed. A babysitter is not a parent and a parent is not a babysitter.
@Don’t hate me
Cool.
Oh, Dear! Tip #1 – Lower your expectations!
Please, please accept yourself for the person you are. Why waffles? Why is it OK to sugar-up your boys if it’s not good for you? Could the syrup and marshmallow hot chocolate be contributing to Jr’s melt-down?
And please tell me that you are making waffles by sticking them in the toaster or heating them up in the microwave.
Just speaking from personal experience. As an ISTJ, I could get a routine going. Still, my boys had 20+ years of their absent father bad-mouthing me (as I suspect your ex also has a low tolerance for your anger and will reinforce your short-comings with your boys).
On the other hand, my dear friend who is a ENTP can never get her kids to school on time. While plenty of short-sighted people at school judge her negatively, I love her to pieces and she has her on set of values and her kids know this deep down. I suspect they will turn out to be wonderful human beings.
The difference between rocket science and getting a family out the door in the morning is vast. Rocket Scientists are trained grown-ups who have been selected to work together as a team. Families are people learning as they go and may not have compatible personalities. I have heard from other moms that Aspie’s can be very difficult personalities and I would think that this would make all mornings tough.
So, get the nanny and calm down, because the yelling will stay with your boys more than your attempts to create a Campbell Soup commercial winter morning.
I don’t try to manage anger unless I’m getting paid to.
Great post! So few people fess up to anger issues and I can relate. I would agree with lowering your expectations. I bet Pioneer Woman does not make her kids lunch everyday. I bet she has/had alot of help before her kids could care for themselves. And if she does have help, she won’t write about it. Her focus is on what she did well and not on what she didn’t do. I bet your kids would love to eat breakfast with you and don’t care who makes it.
P,
My single mom (who I love and respect more than anything) used to do the EXACT same thing. When I got old enough to figure it out I made a checklist for myself so as not to bear the wrath. Maybe empowering your kids with some lists might be effective. It didn’t make her a bad mom, just human.
Also, lines like this are why I read your blog: “I want to tell you I used a calm voice, but I worry I used a psycho, calm-before-the-storm voice.”
I have this problem my self but ive learned to deal with it. I stick with number three.
Loved this post, have added you to my list. Embrace the anger I say; as long as you can be as funny about it afterwards as this, you are completely sane. Love that you both warmed their mittens and then shouted ‘fuck’ – welcome to my planet of schizophrenic mothering.
It will all come out in the wash, come over to England one day and have a large drink with me!
E
@Don’t hate me
If i WERE YOU i’SD JUST SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN.
Sorry about that! I need to file my nails and when that happens sometimes they overarch the keys on my keyboard and comments like that above get sent before they should. But since it’s “out there” and you can see my early reaction to your first remark let me start over like I probably would have anyway:
@don’t hate me
If I were you’d I’d just shut up and sit down.
I agree w/ Diana. Your comment sounded flippant. (Gross) disparity (between mothers and fathers) exists and that’s what columns like this one are helping to point out and, hopefully, eliminate. But I’m afraid it will be a very long time.
Penelope I’m one of the moms who do a casual drop-off and then head to work. I do yell sometimes but don’t worry about it that much and I most definitely wouldn’t try to do waffles on a school morning.
The fact that I don’t worry about these things is part of my happiness.
And, sadly, it probably makes me less interesting. If I wrote a post about my morning routine it would not get 150+ comments.
I have a concern that is almost opposite of the one that this article presents:
How do those of us with an “overly” even emotional response make it show we care about what is occurring in the office?
I am extremely (if not overly) level in my response to crisis and anger situations. Based on my position in an emergency response capability it is a good thing, I need to remain calm, but there are times I fear that it may be confused for me not being passionate about our organization.
@ @don’thateme
@ Melanie
@ Paul
Thanks for bringing a rational perspective to the post! I used to like this blog, and its commenters. Lately is looking more and more like an episode of “The View”-bor-ing!
PT: Guess what … you are a NORMAL mom. I hope that makes you feel better. Because it’s true, and you need to stop being so hard on yourself.
ALL of us moms have mornings when we pound the fridge and shriek our frustrations to the sky. What you do to “fix” that is apologize. When your kids get home, you tell them that you are very sorry that you lost your temper, and you ask them to forgive you. Then you explain that mornings are hard for you, and that when there is a lot of fighting and confusion, you forget how to breathe. Which is scary. And you tell them that you are working on this problem, and you would like to have their help. Then explain how they can help: “don’t fight” being the top of the list.
You are on the right track with your own get ready in the evening routine … why not have your kids do the same? Have them lay out their clothes the night before. Then if someone is missing socks, there is time to find some.
If your son wants his socks repaired when they get holes, teach him to darn. (It works. I showed my son what “fixing” a torn sock meant, how long it takes and how fiddly the work is, and he now cheerfully puts his holey socks in the rag bag, which, I explained to him, is another way to recycle, since we use the rags for things like cleaning spills, dusting, and tying up plants in the garden.)
Above all, give yourself time to change. It takes 21 days to establish a habit. So, give yourself time. And change just one thing at a time. I agree with the person who said your first goal should be a morning without the word “fuck.”
Being a mom is hard work, and we all have our “moments.” I will add you to my list of moms to pray for. And feel free to e-mail me if I can help. I have two boys who bicker and fight constantly, and it’s enough to make a saint swear. At the top of her lungs. Really.
I really like this advice.
“You are on the right track with your own get ready in the evening routine – why not have your kids do the same? Have them lay out their clothes the night before.”
Allow your sons to take some responsibility for getting ready in the morning (or the night before if preferred). Also the socks recycle (repair socks by darning) idea – where did your son ever get that?
Just have the nanny come help you in the morning.
I tell him I already made a decision about the pants. I tell him I am the mom and I already made a decision. This is good. Kids feel secure when they have boundaries and authority.
He screams.
I pound the refrigerator with my fist.
I scream, "Shut the fuck up with the crying."
How about just ignoring his screams? His screaming is like yours – an outlet of your frustration – and you’d like your kids to ignore yours, right? By reacting to his crying every morning, you reinforce it. He knows when he cries, he will get a response.
Just ignore it.
Out of curiosity, how does your ex handle the morning rush? Often men are better at such things because they don’t try so hard, e.g. waffles, warmed mittens, etc.
This line resonated most with me:
“That's how it is. Nearly 24 hours of preparation to get through a morning without me yelling, and still, I break thirty rules of anger management in thirty seconds.”
I work so hard to control, calm, control, calm until I just bust. It’s like trying to diet and binging because you can’t take it anymore.
Morning routines are tough for EVERYONE, Asperger’s or not. I would say I had about two months straight of this exact scenario. A couple of things helped to change it:
1) A read of Kids, Parents, Power Struggles (I think this is the 3rd recco). Some of it totally didn’t work for us, but it had a lot of info about how to just recognize patterns of anger. Mornings were my #1 worst time with the kids.
2) A NYT article that showed how parents are using “Dog Whisperer” techniques with their kids. Of course, children are not dogs. But I truly believe they can sense tension and fear. I was unbelievably tense in the morning, and even if I used a calm voice, I was about to blow. I started to repeat over and over to myself in the morning that I was calm, that every little thing was no big deal, being late was no big deal, etc., and I swear that it started to work. (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/fashion/22dog.html)
3) Getting help in the mornings. My husband usually leaves before the kids get up. When he sets up their backpacks & puts breakfast out (2 choices only: cold cereal or peanut butter on bread), it makes a huge difference.
Anyway, enjoyed reading this…if just to commiserate.
Awesome article you posted. Thanks for sharing!
Oooh, I’m so sorry. It sounds like an awful morning. Don’t beat yourself up. Anyone would be frustrated.
With things like the snow pants, I don’t know anyone with Aspergers, but is there a way to recognize your son’s preference and ask him to do a favor for you and just bring the pants he doesn’t like, just for now? Or just abandon the plan and say, “Ok, if you don’t like the pants we won’t bring them today, and let’s talk about this issue later when we don’t have to get to school.” I know it sounds weird to some parents, but a lot of these power struggles are about the parent knowing what’s best and the kid wanting something because he wants it. You wanted snow pants at school, he wanted not to wear snow pants he doesn’t like. Neither one are life and death. Just preferences.
Sometimes it can be easier with small kids if you can scoop out a little more space to look at the situation as not so “either my way/or your way,” it’s more, “I see what you want here, and I need you to choose a way that ____ can happen because…” It can take more time than just telling the kid what to do, but it also saves a lot of time in fights. Unfortunately, I don’t know how Asperger’s works in that dynamic.
Penelope, you are doing just fine. I too loathe the early-morning frantic getting ready for school thing. And my daughters are teenagers. And only one of them is with us full time. My stress is more about knowing that one of them is lying to me about what time she snuck in the night before or where she is going after school that day. And my stress inevitably culminates in my spewing something like “that’s so low-class” when I hear that she spent the night at her boyfriend’s house (when she was supposed to be at her father’s house) and his parents were perfectly ok with it. Driving to school is the only time I have a captive audience with my daughter, however, so I won’t give it up and let her take the bus. So I put up with her screamo music on my cd player and try not to say anything too judgmental.
It’s hard because I remember being her age and how every day was such a drama. The key in both of our situations is that we have to know when we’ve screwed up, and we have to remember to forgive ourselves…
Jill, as a mental health worker “in training,” I can say with some authority that even the best intentioned mental health workers lose it on their families and coworkers sometimes. Knowing everything about perfect communication, how to manage “the crazies,” and the function of emotions like anger does not make you exempt from the occasional adult-sized meltdown.
And Penelope, as for those other mothers who “who clearly do not worry about yelling and maybe don't even worry about waffles, casually do drop-off and drive off to the gym,” I have a theory: they’ve made friends with a little helper named ‘pam . Benzos, antidepressants, booze, pot: it’s easy to get through parenting when you don’t feel anything enough to really get pissed about any of it. And even if those gym moms are sober as judges, that doesn’t mean they haven’t had mini-meltdowns of their own mere minutes before the drop-off. Sunglasses hide tear-stained cheeks well.
Another secret about the calm moms: Maybe they have easy kids. All kids do have meltdowns, but some do it a lot more often than others. There are children — I know some, though they aren’t related to me — who mostly cooperate, do as they’re asked, have little trouble with transitions, look forward to school, are flexible, only need to be told not to do something once, don’t touch things that are off limits, stay in bed until 7:00 am even if they’re awake, etcetera. And some kids are extremely difficult to manage. Mine fall somewhere in between, and it’s hard enough — and that’s without any special needs in the mix! I think most of this is inborn temperament, though of course we can always work with our kids (as we do with ourselves) to improve their coping skills. So their parents aren’t as tempted to lose their cool. (And maybe they have less intense temperaments themselves.) Not all parenting jobs are creating equal — some parents just have it harder than others. Just a thought for when you’re wondering how they do it all.
I completely agree with this.
Or maybe they know how to separate the big stuff from the small stuff.
@ Nora
@ Laura
@ Erika
So for you guys, moms that don’t lose their stuff is because either a) they are sedated or b) the kids are “not that difficult”? What if these moms decided to chill, on their own, because they keep things in perspective? Un-effing-believable.
@Joanna: I do not agree that happy moms are sedated or have easy kids. I think that:
1) Anger is common among parents. Maybe you don’t see it all the time. Most people don’t see me getting mad, but it happens. I have yet to meet a parent that didn’t lose it at one point or another, and some obviously do it more than others.
2) Acknowledging anger and trying to deal with it is a good thing.
3) Some kids are harder than others. I’ve just seen too many examples of this plus read a ton of parenting books. Kids have innate personalities that you just have to work with.
Thank you for the honesty in this post. I especially liked this part:
I have prepared myself for a moment like this: I identify that I am not upset with my sons but upset with what the world thinks of me as a parent. I tell myself I am good at self-regulation and I do not take this frustration out on my children.
I think it is especially difficult to write about parenting as a single parent, because the criticism can be so severe. I really related to what you wrote and was glad to know I am not alone.
@Joanna
I didn’t say all calm moms have easy kids, I said that is ONE reason some moms are calm. Other reasons include:
– innate temperament [i.e. it’s not that hard for them to stay chill]. I know a mother of four kids under five who really is pretty relaxed most of the time. She says that’s just how she’s always been.
– or that they do have trouble with anger and frustration but have worked really hard at managing their own emotions or coping skills [i.e. decided and figured out how to chill or keep things in perspective]. On good days this is me. On bad days, it’s, um, not. :)
– or that they have more help at home than Penelope and some other posters do
– or that they are good at pretending to be calm but aren’t really (many moms I’ve complimented on how calm they seem say this is the case)
– or hey, maybe some are sedated!
It could also be that calmer moms have better sex.
You know, I’m not sure if the comments would have been the same if the blogger was a) a man or even b) one of the broads from The Real Housewifes of Atlanta.
Nice writing, though.
This post is great. The reality of things so overwhelms analysis. Your morning perfectly illustrates the reality of these parenting moments–which are nonstop, unschedulable, and relentless in their unpredictability.
I love the irony of the post…here are the things you are “trying” and then it explodes into the reality that nothing works…but it DOES work because you make it through and live to fight another day. There is no “solving” these issues, only managing the moments. You manage as best you can until it falls apart and then you pick up the pieces and manage again.
I think there are a ton of organizational strategies that can make things calmer at the Trunk household.
Buy kids’ socks in all one color–everyone wears black or blue or whatever. Throw away the ones with holes.
Kids can eat cereal, hot or cold, for breakfast. You can make oatmeal in the slow cooker the night before. If you don’t have one, get one.
Why can’t snow pants go back and forth? Or get rid of them all together. Keep a change of clothes for each kid in the car. Same for yourself.
Who cares if the guys at work think you wear the same clothes every day? Make it a trademark. Keep a scarf/pashmina in your office, in case you need to dress up.
Lower your expectations of the perfect family morning. I think doing yoga on an empty stomach and then confronting the chaos of two kids would make me nuts too. Just get up, eat something protein, and get them breakfast. Listen to music, not the news, while they eat. Don’t try to multi-task.
I love your honesty and have the same issues with anger management… like you i am a work in progress :)
Yes, this is my life too. I struggle not to yell, and I plan and prepare, but some days everything just seems to go wrong. Once I actually stomped my feet and yelled at my daughter. At least with that one we later laughed that even mommies have temper tantrums. I don’t think we have to be perfect. Sometimes I think it’s nice not to be and discuss with our children how we have to work to be better people too. It makes them feel better to know they are not alone in the feelings of anger.
Oh my god. You nailed my morning. Right down to pounding the fridge and the almost exact quote about the crying. Except I broke my boycott on the local Dunkin Donuts to try and bribe my 4 year old into calming down. (It didn’t work) He told his grandmother all about it and emphasized the part where I accidently elbowed him in the forehead…(he claims it was on purpose, but he was standing behind me! I didn’t see him, although in hindsight, I probably should have heard him because he was still crying)
Deep breaths.
I just found your website and am reading it all. Especially the ‘things to do when unemployed’. I like this post especially, anger management is mostly about being honest with yourself.
I wanted to recommend the book When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within by Matthew McKay. We used this book in an anger management class that I was in. I too thought that anger management classes were for men only, but unlike Penelope, didn’t think I was particularly angry. (I was wrong.) Taking the class laid the foundation for the good marriage that I am in and together with yoga and therapy help me to identify my triggers and circumvent them. BTW I recently discovered your blog (through my wife) and really love your honesty and good writing. Even though I am not a millenial (Gen X’er), I also enjoyed The Brazen Careerist.
please don’t drop the f-bomb on your kids. they’re children. and you love them. save the f-bomb for the jerks of the world who deserve it.
your kids will love you for your kindness (not the mittens, the waffles, or anything else.) delicious breakfast doesn’t make up for a tyrant of a parent.
keep the faith.
Exercise should be on there somewhere. It’s done wonders for my notorious (half) Irish temper.
You have a great writing voice! I need to work on my anger mangement and you post here makes me feel like I am not alone in this crazy wrold where I never have enough time, nothing works out as planned and I am constantly trying to get stugg done! Thanks for a great read.
Amber Sosa
Excellent post.
9. drink a lot of water* and piss regularly (not a joke). Research suggests that water has a calming effect on the body and improves blood circulation. Pissing regularly goes with water consumption to increase digestion and to keep yourself properly hydrated.
* fresh water – not coffee, tea, fizzy drinks or Fruit Juice (not a substitute for water).
10. Work on your anger habit, everyday – By the time we realize that we need help with ‘Anger’, It is a habit, very much part of us. Eventually It becomes really easy, to blow when the kids are late, when we forget or misplace things or when our partner is moody. Habits are hard, but not impossible, to get out of.
I’m someone who still struggles with terrible anger. I’m a lot better than last year. My experience is that, a lot of people talk about trigger points. Most of the time, defining them yourself is not a good idea as we tend to lie to ourselves. A professional shrink can definitely bring out and help us deal with some of these k-paxian stories that we tell ourselves.
If Ryan said to me “It's self-loathing. Take some responsibility.” I would consider that an insult, ask him to meet me in private, and tell him that I don’t appreciate him insulting me in front of other people.
I’ve worked at a lot of companies, and I have had many lady friends and co-workers. I cannot imagine myself saying that to any of them, under any circumstance.
Maybe you’re right to be angry.
As far as the kids, if you can afford it, get the nanny in the morning.
Always remember your children are the true reason you do everything. When you’re 85 years old, I don’t think Ryan or anybody else from Brazen Carreerist circa 2010 will come visit you and bring you homemade food.
I have 4 year old. He’s a pain to deal with. But he’s also the reason I get up in the morning. You know?
Hey P, I’m late to the party again.
When working with my clients I’ve seen 2 reasons for anger issues that rise above all others.
1. Expectations. You carry around a set of expectancies all day long, expectancies about what should happen, what people should do, how they should do it and what they shouldn’t do. When something crosses that expectancy set – and the easiest example is losing your temper in traffic – you feel like you’ve been wronged. Get to know your expectancy set and figure out what’s unrealistic. 90% of your expectancy set is nonsense.
2. Pain. All too often our anger sits on top of hurt. Something from the past that you haven’t quite dealt with that still hurts a part of yourself. When someone pushes that button that threatens to tap into that pain, your automatic defence mechanism is anger. Anger sits on top of pain, so the question is, what hurts?
You might have a mixture of these or just one, take a look.
Noticing that patterns is where you open up different choices.
I don’t know what wigs me out more: the fact that every single anger management issue you describes also describes me (I should be used to this by now), or the fact that if you go through your post and replace “son” with “husband” you’d describe my life (and infuriating morning routine).
I know this isn’t what you meant, but your comment gave me a picture of a husband throwing a snow pants fit. ;)
The Heartfruit link was interesting. Reading the comments was discouraging, though — all those posts about going vegan and staying away from grain too. (Hey, Sherlock! People in hunter-gatherer societies eat meat — lots of meat! They have a high-protein, high-fat diet and they tend to die young. And they eat honey when they can get it! So much for sugar being only a product of agriculture.)
There may be something “narcotic” about cereal grain, but I’m inclined to think it’s just a side-effect of being well-fed. People switched to agriculture and animal husbandry when they could because it beat being just a week from famine; in the summer, that’s how long it takes hunters without refrigeration to run out of food as their stored meat gets all maggoty.
People in hunter-gatherer societies didn’t die all that young. We assume that because the low life expectancy of grain-based foods was improved so much in this last 100 years by drugs. Prior to grains, people were much more robust and healthier.