Living up to your potential is BS
The idea that we somehow have a certain amount of potential that we must live up to is a complete crock. People who say they are not living up to their potential do not understand what living means.
Life is very hard. We each probably have some fundamental goals, even if we don’t think of them consciously. First of all, getting up in the morning is very hard. It is fundamentally an act of optimism. Because surely you have already realized that most days are not full of happiness. They are full, but with something else. Yet we still get out of bed every day, thinking that the day is going to be good. That’s a big deal. A huge leap of faith. I spend a lot of time wondering why more of us don’t kill ourselves, and I never come up with a great answer.
The next big goals we have are the spiritual kind: Be good, be kind, treat people with respect. You probably don’t write these on your to do list, but now that you read them, surely you are thinking to yourself, “Oh yeah, I want to remember to do that.”
So already, life is very full. For example, I just took the red eye home from San Francisco. But if you live in a little town like Madison, Wisconsin, there is, really, no red eye. There is only half a red eye to Chicago, a traumatic awakening at 5am, and then an 8am flight to Wisconsin. By the time I get to my gate, treating people with respect takes pretty much everything that is left of my potential.
Living up to your potential is not crossing off everything on your to do list on time, under budget. Or canonizing your ideas in a book deal. Really, no one cares. You are not on this earth to do that. Trust me. No one is. You are on this earth to be kind. That is your only potential.
And then you have to earn a living.
It’s no coincidence that everyone who is walking around bitching that they are not living up to their potential is talking about how they should be more successful at work. Because “living up to potential” is really just code for “not being recognized as the talented genius that I am.”
How about this? How about saying, “I was so good at getting high marks in school. Why am I not catapulting up the corporate ladder?” The answer, of course, is that most of getting what you want at work is about having social skills, and school doesn’t measure that. So there you go—if you insist on talking about living up to your amorphous potential, the reason you’re not doing it, most likely, is that you are not being kind enough at your work.
If you want to live up to your potential, be as nice as you can be. Be as respectful as you can be. Be as honest with yourself as you can be. Because you can’t be honest with other people if you are not honest with yourself.
What can you do if you think you are living below your potential?
1. Recognize that it’s delusional. You are who you are, and you should just be you. Have realistic, meaningful goals for your life, like: Be kind. Be engaged. Be optimistic. Be connected. Most people who say they are not living up to their potential are not talking about this most-important stuff.
2. Recognize that the world isn’t a race. A race assumes that everyone has an inborn ability to reach a personal best. If you stop racing, you stop wondering what that inborn ability is. I mean, really, “living up to one’s potential” is always relative. You are really talking about your ability to kick everyone else’s butt at something. And it’s not a pleasant thing to say. When you stop looking at the world as a competition, then you can stop wondering why you’re not coming in first place.
3. Recognize that you sound like your mother. “Living up to your potential” is a phrase from a grade-school report card. It is elementary-school speak. It is your parents saying you need to do more homework. It is your mother saying “Joey, you’re a genius. Why don’t you get straight A’s? Look what you do to your mother!” In almost every case when someone says, “You are not living up to your potential,” the proper answer is, “So what?” Because it’s always someone trying to tell you that the thing you should contribute to this world is something other than kindness.
Time to call out the emperor’s new clothes, people.
What we have here is a brilliant blog entry. Why? Because it has a controversial title and controversial content, which translates to increased reader reaction and involvement. Why does PT have such a successful blog? For one, she is not afraid to say anything which may seem shocking–and often she does. With over 100 comments on this entry, PT has done it again. Kudos for maintaining a blog that arrouses so much interest and lives up to its potential as one of the hottest blogs out there.
I agree with Lee Potts: kindness is different from nice. Kindness is about the climate you create around you, and how you move through the world. Nice always seems to be about pleasing someone else (see definitions!)–and often risking little (I am a “nice” person trying to reform, so I understand the dynamics of “nice”). This was a BIG wake-up call for me. As a teacher I have told students–even recently!–that they aren’t living up to their potential, and it always felt wrong, although I knew what I meant. I meant, you made the choice to put your time into something other than my class, because if you had put your time into this work, you would have earned a better grade. Basic and, yes, motherly perhaps, but more on target in clarity than “potential” crap. The first is a judgment, but the second is a statement of fact without judgment. Actually, as a teacher my headbang came at exactly that: I need to say the second, not the first because the point is (aha!): the student made a choice how to spend her/his time/energy/ability/talent, and it was not in this category (my class)according to the requirements I laid out in the beginning of the course, and the consequence is the grade he/she earned. And because I have had it said to me (and had the same “explain please” reaction as my students), I can see that it is about choices, about how I chose to spend my time/energy/talent/ability–that didn’t jibe with the expectations of my superiors. But (and here’s the catch) if they never made their expectations clear (transparency and clarity), or if they changed the rules of the game in mid-stream without telling me (super-secret probation), that’s another thing (remind myself of this, when I am “the Boss”). If they were clear, however, and I chose to do something else, to use my time/energy/talent/ability somewhere else, then I don’t deserve the raise/promotion/bonus I could get–unless I can make the argument that what I did was equal to or better than their expected goals. My responsibility as a worker is to be certain I understand the goals my boss sets for me (ask questions, ask for clarifications, get it in writing, negotiate, set terms I can acheive and live with) and work for those–or let him/her know why I can’t (family, personal, boredom, unreasonable terms, etc.) and move on. Has nothing to do with niceness. And kindness is simply necessary to making the world a place we all can live in–I think of it as karma, actually. What goes around….you know the rest.
I’m kind of late to the thread, but here’s my two cents:
I agree with Penelope, though “nice” and “kind” may have been bad choices to describe those goals. I think the important thing is that you approach everything in an honorable way.
Niceness can be mistaken for weakness. But people usually equate “nice” with “do anything anyone tells you to without a confrontation”. People will (metaphorically) walk over broken glass to avoid confrontations.
I get what Penelope has said in other posts that kind of links into what she’s saying here. Don’t be evil, or manipulative, or two-faced. Operate with honor, and honesty. If you have a problem, approach other people with respect and empathy – don’t just jump to conclusions.
It’s taken me a long time to stop beating myself up with the yardstick of measuring myself to other people. I am almost 40 and for years was hard on myself for not owning a home, or being in upper management, or owning a car. But I stopped hitting myself with that stick, and I am successful in the ways I define as successful. I now have the career I always wanted, and am damn thankful I don’t own a car when gas is almost $4.50 a gallon.
Glad I came back to this blog after many months away – Penelope's focus on this is spot on. Meeting potentials is something I consider at 3 AM staring at the ceiling and seeing what I'm not rather than what I am.
Some folks have mentioned their age, which I find interesting in terms of getting a sense of where people are in the birth, school, work, death continuum. I'll be 53 in a couple months. To be kind, engaged, optimistic and connected are the things that are my big achievements in life, no doubt about it. Everything else has been easy in comparison…given how I grew up, this was the tough stuff.
In his book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom compares children to pieces of glass. Some parents leave smudges, others scratches and chips, and a few leave shattered pieces. Sometimes pieces have mold marks and flaws from manufacture. They serve to make it special without undermining the integrity of the piece.
I'm just starting to understand how important it is look at myself as a whole, not just see the scratches and flaws.
Your article is quite unique and I enjoyed the read. I think that living to your potential is more of an internal review and a self evaluating feature. When someone does not feel that they are living to their potential – what are they actually saying other than “I felt that based on my skills I would be here, but rather I well behind that.” In not so many terms, they are recognizing a broken part of their own self or better yet they are realizing that they are not the person that they thought they were. Not bad to say that, but it will get you thinking. Living to ones potential is a personal choice and is done daily from the time you open to your eyes till the end of your day. Each and every time you give it your all – well you have lived to your potential. The outcome – oh, that is up to God.
“Living up to your potential” is just about having goals for your self. I wouldn’t read too much into it beyond that.
“The answer, of course, is that most of getting what you want at work is about having social skills, and school doesn't measure that.”
I don’t know about college grades, but income correlates with performance in high school. I suspect the same holds true for college, but to a lesser extent. People who graduate from good schools with good grades have a lot of options in life that other people do not.
Wow! what a lot of feedback, I wish I had time to read it all.
If anyone remembers Christmas Morning as a kid? there was no problem getting out of bed back then!
Intelligence is to live every day as if it was Christmas Morning. OK presents every day would get boring, so learning to appreciate the subtle pleasure of dealing with difficult situations, and even failing at the task, is crucial. Failure is just a new beginning with extra knowledge. There is no reason to be stuck in a lousey job. move on. even if the pay is worse! set your goal to be waking up excited at the prospect of a whole new day’s adventure.
Penny,
I guess from all that has gone before, we can say that living up to your potential is an individual thing.
We disappoint others when we don’t do what they expect of us, but the really important thing is, do we even know what we should expect of ourselves? And for each of us it is likely something different!
Many of us spend most of our time going through mindless endeavors to entertain ourselves, or to fulfil our self or externally imposed duties and responsibilities. Wouldn’t that time be better spent finding out who we are inside, what we value as opposed to what others think we should value, and then working to go after that ideal for as long as it holds true to us? Yes, these ideals do sometimes change.
Potential is infinite, the actualization of that infinite possibility depends on our individual personalities, our values, and the courage we have to travel our own path to that infinite possibility.
My 2centsworth.
P.S. Alastair Carnegie I like the way you think, but that too takes courage. And the later in life you come to that realization, the more courage it takes:)
Thanks Dale, I think the Native American Red Indians taught their children to conquer fear. Early teens are a good age to start. Supervision is essential to avoid fatalities, and it must be voluntary participation. The ‘Braves’ are there to protect the ‘Thinkers’. there is no loss of honour or prestige from not playing suicidal games. There are plenty of intellectual victories to be won!;-D
Part of living is growing which is expanding our personal potential.
Jessica Bond
Nice post.
Speaking frankly, I began to enjoy my own life more when I realized that my vocation is actually a means to an end (“heaven”), and not an end unto itself (“he who dies with the most toys wins.”).
Suicide won’t get you into heaven — but a life of heroic, self-sacrificing virtue will.
Harry Joiner
Bravo! Harry Joiner,
If you noted, or if you were maing reference to my comment, I did qualify, mountaineers are not suicidal, but the risks they take are close to suicidal. I chickened out climbing mount Kenya. I had the perfect excuse, Mountain Sickness! Phew! what a relief. but my Aunty in her 50s, returned with a beaming smile, that made me slightly envious. Fear will often find a convenient excuse.
As for Heaven, if you live according to your admirable philosophy, Heaven is already knocking at your door. May you live with my sincere blessings amongst “The Blessed”.
I feel a certain affection for the late Anthony De Mello’s views on worldly success, in his book, “Awareness”
If I recall correctly, it goes –
“I’m an ass. You’re an ass. What’s the problem?”
Another thing I’ve noticed about the limits of “nice”- this is a HUGE problem for many women, and I count myself among them. I remember sitting in a coffee shop, on a break from some $7 per hour temp job (this was 1988) and hearing two men discuss how the minimum salary they would not consider an insult was $60K.
Years later I worked with a woman who, I am sure, considered me a bitch because I said that I thought there was a problem with an organization being staffed with educated women in their late 40s doing clerical work for $30K (in 2007). NO ONE there was living up to their potential. I got the job to get the proverbial foot in the door in a fairly competitive nonprofit arena, but there was no door. I quit within months.
OK… kindness, civility and humanity are some of the most important things we can offer one another. And for those who are career-driven, it’s important to remember that it’s not a race – at the “finish line” we’re all dead and, mostly, forgotten soon enough. But on the other side of the coin, we must all contribute to the job of life for our race.
There are all kinds of contributions, but the truth is that kindness and civility and humanity will not feed us, clothe us or shelter us from the storm. So we have to do other things too – farm, cook, take care of the kids, educate, invent, build, maintain, explore, defend, buy, sell etc. These are the things we call work. And those of us who contribute less than we could may be “not living up to our potential”. Someone may be strong, but too lazy to lift; they may be smart, but not inclined to think.
There are people out there who hide behind the importance of kindness and civility and humanity to excuse themselves from getting in there and making an effort. Those people need to be reminded that food and clothing and shelter are also critical parts of the job of life.
So be kind, by all means… while you’re working your arse off and encouraging others to do the same. For me this is the ticket to enjoying life!
wow. i really needed to read that just now. even the title jumped up and hit me on the head. in a good way.
my superego’s really been giving it to my id lately, and you’re right about what you write, and most especially the part about kindness.
getting my head out of my ass, already. thank you.
People With That Brain-Eating Virus Should Really Just Take A Sick Day
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/people_with_that_brain_eating
Penelope – There’s an old saying, “Noblesse Oblige” – To him much is given, much is expected. Individual potential is very different. For reasons of birth, wealth, genetics, DNA, who knows? Some people have more to give than others. And thank GOD some are driven to live up to theirs.
Because Lister lived up to his potential, we know about bacteria. Because Edison lived up to his potential we have over 1,000 inventions that kept him up nights until he could figure it out. Because Henry Ford lived up to his potential, most people in the US believe it’s their birthright to own a car, if not two. Wall street, the internet, NASA, medicine, science – all are gifts to our way of life that were given to us by people who didn’t think living up to their inner potential was BS.
It is good to have those character traits you espouse, but it’s the people who are driven, who don’t quit when things get a little hard, who have an inner need to live up to what they were given that we have the life we have today. If all we did was try and be kind and no one thought this was a race, there wouldn’t be any jobs for any of us to go to. Face it – the ‘driven ones’ are the ones who create jobs, create new ideas, create the governments, cities, inventions, and ideas that make the world go around.
It is easy to sit in front of a machine that has existed all YOUR life and send messages out on an internet that has also existed ALL your life, and cast aspersions at people who encourage others to step outside their little world and contribute all they’ve got.
Here’s what it means when we remind ourselves and others to live up to whatever potential is inherent: You’ve got something here – the world needs you to use it! Get out of the rut; Stop feeling sorry for yourself; Stop whining. Yes, the world is hard. Do it anyway.
IMHO – for many it IS a race. For a single mother of 4 trying to make ends meet, it’s a race. For a guy waking up in a foxhole this morning, it IS a race. For a scientist searching for a cure for AIDS or breast cancer it IS a race.
The point of the statement “Live up to your potential” is that we need to get past our own self sabotaging beliefs and do something useful with our lives.
Perhaps the reason the US trails in innovation, production, math, and now science is that once we achieved the top rung we started sneering at the ideals that got us here. The computer you typed this on is more powerful than the Eniac computer that only 3 decades ago scientists would line up to use. If Hewlett and Packard, Bill Gates, Steve Case, and Steve Jobs had all felt the way you do, you’d be sending this out on mimeograph paper.
Beth Terry
(and yes – I have told all my kids, stepkids, and students to Live UP to what’s inside. It gets me through the day, and it has helped all of them find their way in the world.)
Penelope… I miss you…
I just don’t what I’m going to say to my students if I can’t tell them to live up to their potentials!!!
Good sakes people! I don’t think Penelope is telling people to stop achieving. I think she is just telling people to have the right motivations and to recognize when they are just kidding themselves with excuses.
Roberta, you and those like you are part of the problem. “Living up to your potential” is encouraging people to focus on standards outside themselves in order to measure their success and self-worth.
It’s like saying to someone who’s just starting a fitness program “The Olympics are four years away…if you apply yourself you can win a medal.”
Boomers like me grew up with a clear notion of what success looked like. That was my potential. That was the standard I’ve been shooting for…and at 53 it ain’t gonna happen. I’m left with several choices. Call myself a failure because I didn’t meet someone else’s notion of what success looks like, or be introspective, look at my accomplishments, all I’ve overcome to get where I am, decide for myself what success looks like going forward, and move in the direction that seems right for me.
It’s the “Cider House Rules” lesson. Just because someone wrote some rules doesn’t mean I have to accept they apply to me.
I would like to report from the other end of the spectrum of existence. Many of us here at http://www.thisoldgrouch.com have lived through the bumps and very real catastrophes of life. If there is such a thing a true potential it is likely that it is seeking us as much as we are looking for it. Simply greeting the day with kindness is an important first step. However, imbibing the moment with love is a choice that is always possible. We most often can not control how our lives unfold, but we can make choices about how we respond to it.
All of us are here to do God’s will. Wanting to reach my potential is wanting to do God’s work here on earth. I personally don’t find being kind an accomplishment, because it’s embedded in my personality.
The day Penelope wrote this article, I told someone at work that I wasn’t living up to my potential at a company I have been at for 9 years, and was going to find another job. They promote their friends, as Penelope has also pointed out in another article, calling it social skills. An MBA and a fire in my belly, and all of the niceness in the world isn’t getting me anywhere where assholes rule. They hire their own.
Assholes don’t like nice people. They are threatened by their existence because it reminds them of who they used to be, until they sold out and decided to be miserable. At my company they roam in packs, mocking and driving out the nice people.
Social skills are not part of the promotion process. Being like the people who are in charge is. People like people who are like them. Assholes like other assholes. It’s been that way since high school – remember? Oh and by the way, nothing has changed and the bullies roam the halls – but they are now called management at some companies.
This little video, “The story of a sign,” says a lot about being kind and motiviating others to seeing things differently…far better than I can.
http://en.zappinternet.com/video/nilSqaMboM/HISTORIA-DE-UN-LETRERO-T
This is a very timely subject for me. It took me the longest time to realize that when someone tells you that you have potential-they are generally full of crap. You either think I can do the job or I can’t. If you think I’m capable, let me do what I need to do. If not, send me on my way.
Don’t attempt to “coach me” or “train me”.
As for kindness, I think Andrea makes some really good points. I’ve found that I may be nice, but in a culture where you can treat people any kind of way as long as you produce results, your niceness will be held against. Not only that, but people have ideas about it means to be nice.
It would be interesting to hear your thoughts on the Olympic athletes (like Phelps). Have they lived up to their potential thanks to a striver’s mindset, or is what they have achieved a result of being who they are and pursuing goals that are meaningful to them?
I wish I could share this with my coworkers without sounding like I am telling them to be nice — most are already a great bunch. I love it that you wrote about this and I hope it blazes through the internet as an important life lesson. The power of kindness cannot be underestimated.
One of the most moving talks I’d ever seen were from the two guys who’d been the first to travel around the world in a balloon (Brian Jones and Bertrand Piccard). They were talking at the Air & Space museum in DC and I kept noticing how they lauded their team, not themselves. They were so humble, each even pouring glasses of water for the other, not themselves. I was almost moved to tears by their subtle yet potent messages of thoughtfulness.
Thanks for pointing out such an important yet overlooked concept.
David, I’m so sad I’m part of a problem.
Nice video David. I enjoyed it.
What I meant on my previous comment is that the phrase “Live up to your potential” does sound like B.S. and a cop out for a teacher.
When a student sees that on a report card, what does it mean to them?
Most students read that and know that a teacher is looking for something, and they don’t know how to provide it. A teacher needs to demonstrate their expectations clearly and kindly. And then, when a student doesn’t meet these expectations… a teacher needs to be specific on how the student can improve instead of “You need to live up to your potential.” How kind is that cop out?
@Monica: “when someone tells you that you have potential-they are generally full of crap. You either think I can do the job or I can’t. If you think I’m capable, let me do what I need to do. If not, send me on my way.”
Speaking of BS… Every task you’ve ever done you were fully capable of doing from the start without ever getting training? You’ve never gotten OJT? You’ve never worked with supervision until you learned all the ins and outs of a job? I don’t believe it.
Not putting up a new post for 10 days running is not living up to your potential. For my sake, not yours, get out of bed and post something thought provoking.
Tut! Tut! ‘Getting Bored’. Penelope probably has to work like the rest of us. doing boring chores that are not condusive to the inspiration from her muse.
Now that’s funny. Let’s hope that the reason there isn’t a new post is because Penelope is on a much deserved vacation, and not because she has pneumonia in the hospital.
It’s nice to be missed isn’t it Penny. But to Getting Bored’s point, I have noticed a drop off in post frequency. Is something big on the horizon???? In the past when you did this, something important was in the works:)
“Is something big on the horizon????” Asks ‘Dale’.
The answer to that question is “YES!”. very big. and also very good news. Really big things take a long time to arrive, but can also be seen from a great distance.
There are now about 6,500,000,000 folk on our planet, this big thing on the horizon will impact every single one of them in a very positive way.
Everyone will know what I am talking about when they encounter it. every time I explain it, I am greeted with thanks, from every walk of life. Thanks because the folk ‘know’ that it is true. No BS! Sadly to tell the tale without explanation, would create doubt. That would be cruel. Vide et Crede!
Roberta,
Where the problem comes in with the notion of the student, or an adult for that matter, and having the sense someone is ‘looking for something,’ is that we’re not taught to respond to that feeling or perception with “what do you want me to do? To what standard will you hold me accountable?” If the math teacher expects Johnny to win the Nobel Prize some day, and the little guy is just trying to figure out when those two trains leaving from different cities at different speeds will get to Chicago, someone is going to be disappointed. And Johnny’s not doing a report card on the teacher, I suspect.
Seriously, notice what asking that question does…instead of ‘shooting for the stars,’ trying to be perfect, and failing, we’re set up to succeed. Often, the other person doesn’t know what they expect, and if they don’t, how can you succeed?
What’s expected of us becomes clearer, because both people have shared information about it. Does that preclude setting a higher standard for ourselves? No, of course not. I’m not suggesting the end of self-improvement…just that it be that – improving oneself for the satisfaction of doing so, not to get an external reward.
If we don’t learn that in school, when do we get there? Given how many comments have been posted here, I suspect it’s an issue long after those trains made it to the Windy City.
David,
Thanks for that “Story of a Sign”. my boss will love it, as for mathematics, long ago I realised that it was one subject it was possible to get top marks 100% and no argument, unless the Teacher was wrong, in which case you could make him blush. The secret was to ask questions, and not be scared to look stupid. If the class had to move on to another subject, just ask the Teacher to explain it one-to-one later. Mathematics is a beautiful subject, there is no need to win the Fields Medal.(over forty year olds are out of the race) Any mathematician might stumble upon a priceless gem at 39. so everyone is in with a chance, but not if there is no interest in the subject. The Fields is the Nobel equivalent.
Penelope:
I’d say 140+ comments without you in the room demonstrates a vibrant community – when are you speaking in Silicon Valley next?
As the newbee, I don’t know how long Penelope’s vacations usually last. I hope Dale is right about the ‘Big Thing’. perhaps Penelope is researching it now. I became aware of it ca. 1970. we had a massive conference in 1990, to plan for it. Like all very big things, you can’t take it all in from just one perspective. It looks different from the vantage point you are looking. Silicon Valley has definitely been an ideas hub for adapting to the inevitable changes soon to manifest. Dogma will serve nobody. Long held axioms, may be found wanting or at best restricting. The Chinese character for ‘crisis’ is composed of the words ‘danger’ and ‘opportunity’, the brave ride the Tiger of opportunity.
The last few posts seem to have moved on from the topic to when will PT post next, but I’ll comment anyway. I think her post was brave. Obviously, “living to one’s potential” has many different constructs and everyone is bringing their own “stuff” to how they define it. Also, the wording itself, i.e., “potential” frames the concept competitively (if something is/has potential, you either get it or not; if you don’t, then someone else does). If one is purely looking at it from a materialistic viewpoint (success = wealth), its a pretty basic premise. However, if your assessment of your own potential is more open-ended, that leaves you with more options. Just yesterday, I came across a 1992 magazine article from The Futurist about Americans’ growing efforts to pursue material goods to “be happy.” (I guess this concept has bothered me for a while!?) I recently became interested in Buddhism in an attempt to achieve a better life balance. Attracted to goals of mindfulness and yes, being kind, I am trying to use Buddhism tenets and tools to calm my mind and gain better insight into what I really want. BUT, I have been struggling with how this fits in with my career aspirations. I’m in NYC and for all everyone here is into yoga, Kaballah, and wheatgrass juice, its still a pretty messed up place to work (at least in my industry, government). I can only attempt to be engaged and kind (including to myself) while also mindfully watching my back. I agree with the post about PT equating “nice” with “social skills” as naive or even off-center, esp. if she’s written previously of “social skills” in another context. For me, for my previous job, my needed “social skills” would have to be perfecting seeing from the back of my head, installing my own wiretapping, and possibly even a nanny-cam in my office. I am trying to be optimistic that kindness in the workplace IS possible,(that it works in a viable “give and take” kind of way, not a one-sided doormat/abuse kind of way.
And I guess I’d like to hear others’ thoughts on this.
@Mira,
The world is a place where in one moment we may encounter great good, kindness, support and grace, yet in the next moment we may experience cruelty, hate, envy and the like.
It’s just the way life is.
Does this mean that someone who portrays life one way, or who advocates a credo that seems to focus on one side as opposed to the other side of the good vs bad equation is wrong? I think not. Remember the adage of the blind men and the elephant? Well this applies here as well.
A basic tenet of being human should (in my opinion) revolve around being kind, but does this mean that there is to be no other side to our interface with the world? NO!!!!
Life isn’t simple, and kindness needs to be applied with the knowledge that it may be viewed as weakness, fear, or stupidity. But so what. We are ultimately being kind for ourselves. So we can like the person we see in the mirror everyday, and so that somehow, the faint flame of “niceness” we put forth will inspire others to do the same and perhaps eventually we won’t have to watch our backs or be prepared to defend our turf because someone else thinks they see weakness to be exploited.
Life is short, so be you, and be kind, but be equally ready to defend yourself so that your acts of kindness are not the genesis a problem. It comes with the territory.
My 2centsworth:)
Mira,
An interesting comment, and Dale has stolen the words out of my mouth, and probably improved upon them. The Buddhism adventure needs a bone fide guiding hand. Wikipedia has a good entry, and lists the four noble truths.
“the noble truth that is suffering”
“the noble truth that is the arising of suffering”
“the noble truth that is the end of suffering”
“the noble truth that is the way leading to the end of suffering”
Wrong attachment is regarded as the cause of suffering. the way out is to develop Right attachment. There is no problem owning a few billion dollars, as long as there is no attachment. Go for the trillion if you like. Material possessions are not the cause of suffering, it is the ‘attachment’ to them. The way to avoid wrong attachment, is to taste the higher attachments. If you only tasted stale bread all your life, but needed it desperately to stay alive, and you were offered the finest baked fresh bread, would you still remain attached to stale bread? Good luck. P.S. I am a Roman Catholic Military Chaplain. not a Buddhist, but I love their philosophy.
I would love to hear someone–Alastair or anyone else–trace the connection between living up to one’s full potential and attachment theory a la Buddhism.
Are we attached to achievement? Attached to success? Attached to being smart and savvy? Attached to being one-up?
Does it feel good to achieve (one’s full potential)? Does it bring contentment and peace?
Does achieving success bring contentment and peace? Is success satisfying? Or is it an appetite or a inner goading? That never ends, that is never satisfied? An “endless, aching need”?
Has anyone seen the add (by Rolex) with the guy who says he reached the top of his profession and then, he says (with a sly smile), QUIT?
CAK
Chis,
I think those Buddhists are all deeply attached to ‘putting the world to rights’. The attachment is possibly so strong it aches!
Even if a Buddhist momk was to abandon every attachment, the attachment to ‘giving up attachments’ would persist. Seeking higher attachments is preferable, attachment to service of one’s fellow humans and creatures, (let’s not forget the critters), is the doorway. it is never closed or locked. To paraphrase the Good Book, a person arrives in paradise, totally bewildered at how or why they were there. another stood outside demanding right of entrance, as reward for all the preaching s/he had done. The former had never heard about G-d, but had lived a blessed life of dedicated service. The latter was attached to fame, and received a lot of it in his life. Fame has no currency in paradise.
A Joke,
The Buddhist who arrived in paradise, was so attached to service, s/he demanded to be sent right back.
@Beth Terry –
Do the “driven ones” bother to do any research on details like the age and experiences of the people they chastise? Don’t know what kind of teacher you are, but hope it’s not tech history if you think people were surfing the web on their PC’s in the ’60’s & 70’s.
I’m also sure you’ve had numerous experiences requiring as much focus, drive, determination, and sacrifice as is required to be a professional athlete or launch a few startups.
@ Dave:
I would never want a job where I would know the ends and outs. That’s my idea of hell-a job that is so routine that you don’t have to think about your tasks. Fortunately for me, my educational level makes me undesirable for those types of positions. If I find myself in a job that requires mechanized thinking or requires “coaching” or “on the job training” or has SOPs for every damn thing in the world, I move on. The work and environment ended up being mind-numbingly dull.
I look for positions that allow variety, flexibility and encourage independent thinking. I love the fact that my job presents new challenges and unexpected activities everyday. I love the fact I can use my education to solve different problems everyday. I feel that’s what PhD should be able to do-use your research skills to work independently, ask the important questions, look at the information available critically, and answer the question or present solutions based on your informed judgement.
In other words, PhDs shouldn’t have to be trained. They sometimes allow themselves to be indoctrinated with company policies but that’s not learning anything of value, especially if they are going to move on eventually.
Finally, I don’t believe you can train someone to think independently. You can’t train someone to be adaptable (the Marines can but that’s another story).
Don’t Forget 2 More!
1. Patience is integral
2. You can learn something from every single person.
I worked for an e-commerce website and started off all the way at the bottom.
Like you said by being nice, openminded, and helpful to everyone I was able to:
-Learn essential skills in Management, Photography, Graphic Design, and Product Development.
-Move up quite fast within the company.
Through my numerous responsibilities and everyday interaction with employees-
I gained valuable insight and skills they don’t teach you in college!
We live in a time where regular people are becoming famous just by being themselves as
Blogs & Podcasts are placing value on the individual not the businesses.
Like you said Kind and Connected.
Living up to your potential is being the kindest person you can be.
Just to conclude:
A top salesman in a prestigious company once told me his secret to over 10 years of
Successful selling:
1. Respect everyone
2. Be kind to everyone
:)