For years I've been wondering what my teachers meant by saying, "You have so much potential!" I asked them what they meant, and even right after saying it, they couldn't tell me.

Thank you.

@Jim – don't let that one bad experience turn you off from being nice. You'll get more with sugar than vinegar (or something like that).

@Jim & Amanda – you actually don't have to be less than pleasant to still not get walked on. A lot of people do this, but you mistake saying no to things as being mean which isn't the case at all. Being bold isn't about being those negative things, its about standing up for yourself – how is that negative?

Understanding yourself, your own needs, and how to communicate them will never be looked at as negative. @Jim, you can't complain about your old job working you crappy hours, never getting a raise, and having a bad office because you never stood up for yourself and said no. That's not being nice, that's being a doormat. @Amanda, I don't think there's a wrong or right purpose for people's lives, but yours strikes me as having low self esteem rather than it being a purposeful life. As much as we can hate it, we're all ego driven and what happens when we don't let our own needs come first? So while you spend your time making other people's lives easier, you sound like your life is taking the backseat. I say this because your post doesn't sound positive, it sheds a negative light around being nice, as Dan's does. So think of it this way… if being nice is negative, is it really nice?

People mistake being nice with being a pushover. Being nice is about treating people with respect. Basically the Golden Rule that we are learned as children works just fine. When people don't reciprocate, you still need to react and maintain your boundaries. Work those 90 hour weeks but be sure to talk about some compensation for the extra effort you put in.

Yes – social skills, soft skills, emotional intelligence…These can be the defining factors for many people. Brilliant people aren't always the best decision makers or the best communicators, but communication and decision making are key to success at work and in life.

It amazes me how often smart, well-educated people blow opportunities as a result of poor emotional intelligence. It is easy to underestimate the value of being driven by bigger goals (being kind…being connected). Life DOES get in the way, and we excuse our less than stellar behavior because we are tired, or didn't get a good parking spot, or missed our flight, or missed a deadline…This list goes on and on.

No matter what anyone tells us, there is little in life that is totally within our control. We rely on other people for so much of what we use to define "success."

I am convinced that people who re-set their gauges to define success based on what they DO control (how they treat others, how they react to difficult situations) are much more likely to jump out of bed in the morning than those who allow others to set those standards.

Thanks for the reminder!

From my own experience I learned that being assertive is better than being nice. But there is a fine line between being assertive and agressive. I think you can stand up for yourself and tell a co-worker or a boss that they are over stepping their boundaries in a respectful way. To do this in a assertive way is to look at things through their eyes as well as yours. That is very hard to do but that is what being generous in spirit is all about.

@ Amanda and Jim – The trouble with this thinking is is that niceness is something we deserve to be rewarded for. When that's missing the point entirely. The real reason kindness is for you. Not for rewards.

I think it's really hard, though, to separate those things from each because we want to be recognized and rewarded and not run over completely for being decent human beings. That's why ethics is such a big thing in the business world, right? But it's also why it's such a big issue.

So, thanks for being honest about this.

The challenge for us all is not just to focus on those things that matter most – kindness, relationships, optimism – by doing them, but for the mere act of doing so to be what satisfies us, no matter what else. Because that is where the authentic part comes in.

I agree that the goal is more "kindness" than "niceness." Nice has a sordid past. But I have certainly used the words interchangeably at times.

Some time ago, I figured out that being a good person was really the goal, but I am constantly challenged.

In my workplace, in particular, I am challenged by people who don't see this as a goal at all, much less an important one. My sense of justice is twisted when I see these people succeeding because people buy their manipulations. I don't want to be dragged down into their view of the world, but I have trouble keeping my own in the day-to-day.

I'm not so sure Penelope.

People always have potential – that's the gap between where you are right now and a place you could be. Having potential isn't a bad thing in itself, it's just how the self-help industry (of which I'm a part) has rammed this down our throats that gets my goat.

You don't have to go all out to reach that place of potential, and I firmly believe that having goals causes more problems than they solve.

For me, the point of 'realising potential' is about figuring out what's important to you and honouring those things. If that means being kind then great. If it means working with an NGO then great. If your important thing is making papier mache animals, then go crazy with your paper and glue.

You're right in suggesting that simply 'reaching potential' won't make you happy, just like reaching a goal won't make you happy by itself. With all the moving forwards and 'reaching' that people are doing, when do we get to stay still and enjoy ourselves right now?

As you say, the point is to engage – with where you are right now as well as whatever you might want to create. Wasted potential is someone who's not enagaging with what matters to them – that's not just a waste but a tragedy.

Just sayin' I found this column to be moving…striking at the core of an recent unfortunate incident at work. Well said.

Like ChrisB said, your/my potential is probably exagerated by your/my mind. (I know, because I have bitten by it)

On the point of niceness, I had used my niceness to move ahead from each of my job. Niceness has to be accompany with reliability (Doing what you offered to help on). With that:
- More people will come to you for help, lead to more opportunities
- More willing provide help for you, which will make you more efficient (ask long as you are willing to ask)
- People are more understanding when you screw up

Niceness leads me to more opportunities not because I'm nice, but because I gain so much knowledge, skills & network by helping others.

@ChrisB
I'm skeptical of people who cannot spell exaggerated :)

Well said, P, I couldn't agree more.

And yours is the only blog where will people will argue about the difference between "kind" and "nice." Amazing – you are a stronger woman than me.

Semantics are not the point. Human decency is. Just use your superpowers for good, and all else falls into place.

Enjoy your weekend.

-Pam

At first, I was thinking "Wow, PT is feelin' blue;" and I was going to recommend Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, which is a great book on practicing the tenets of positive psychology. His thesis, in a nutshell, is that a happy life requires both pleasure and meaning together. But as I finished the post, I felt you nailed it. Kindness is always good and always in short supply. To strive to be kind is highly meaningful and the experience of kindness is almost always pleasant.

"I'm not living up to my potential" only means…

"I'm not happy."

Tony Robbins says we have 6 basic needs.

Need 1: Certainty/Comfort
Need 2: Uncertainty/Variety
Need 3: Significance
Need 4: Connection/Love
Need 5: Growth
Need 6: Contribution

I kinda think he's on to something. If we feel underutilized in the workplace, we are probably lacking in one of these areas. Penelope is right. It's an emotional/spiritual issue.

You know, it does boil down to kindness.
I love the movie "Wit". In the end, all her academic/professional aspirations had little value. What was lasting was the basic kindness.

Very eloquent. One of your best posts for a long time.

I can't help but have one of Liz Phair's saddest, most brilliant song lyrics in my head as I read this post: "I learn my name/I write with a number two pencil/I work up to my potential/I earn my name." That is so sad. And I totally relate to it.

You have this uncanny ability to post these things on the days I need to read them most.

This goes hand in hand with me listening to The Now Habit by Dr. Neil Firoe in my car because I procrastinate and then shit all over myself for doing it. And I've been doing it forever, even since I used sharp number 2 pencils in school and was "good" and always terrified someone was going to find out the piece of shit I really was. So I procrastinate. I always get things done but always under pressure and rarely ever feeling like I'm doing my best. Rather than give me more organizational tips (please, I know them all), this book really gets to the heart of why procrastination happens. Not because we are bad people but because it's a really effective way of drowning out the white noise of YOU ARE SHIT. It's how I've protected myself from that voice.

So, listening to this audiobook and reading this post made me realize my goals should not be: 1) stop being a terrible person and 2) do spectacular things to garner public recognition so a choir of people can tell me I'm no longer a terrible person. It's now going to be 1) be human because you are and 2) be kind, have compassion because you don't have to be the bitch whose just secretly scared anymore.

Thank you.

"Nice" is what LOOKS good.
"Kind" is what IS good.

We all create a fictional world. Being aware of this isn't good enough. We need check marks and balances to keep ourselves in line.

I try (notice I said try) to slow down every hour to watch the direction of my thoughts. Am I getting to caught up in all the emotion? When I am I stop, relax and find a 10% change in direction to keep happy and focused.

Smith & Fritzy:

I actually tried to stand up for myself and pushed back. When that happened things got even worse. I made a personal vow to get out of there and I now use that experience to spur me on.

Success is the best revenge.

I am not living up to my potential for kindness, engagement, and connectedness. But I am optimistic that I can do better.

Provocative post. I agree and disagree. I would argue that we’re not on earth to “be kind” as you say early in the post, but rather engaged, as you say at the end of the post.

I’m in my mid-twenties, and I’ve been thinking about what I really want out of life, and I’ve begun to realize that—for me, at least—I want to be fully engaged and present in all aspects.

When I’m fully engaged in my relationships, I treat people with respect and kindness. When I’m fully engaged in the world, I am aware and informed. When I’m fully engaged in my own life, I have the power to know what kind of life I want—and work to create it.

To me, that’s my “reaching my potential.” Knowing what I want and what I’m capable of and trying not to let fear or foolishness get in the way making it happen.

I like to think of living up to my potential as being situational. In this moment, given the situation, how can I be the best that I am? And, almost always, that involves being engaged, kind and very present.

It is very true that focusing on what you are not doing and what you might have done (not living up to your potential) is defeating and delusional. Your potential can never be calculated because the circumstances of life are ever changing–and so there is no fixed point defining our potential that any of us can dwell on. Our potential is more tied to being able to make the most of our changing circumstances–and this is a challenge for each moment–and not something that can be measured.

A better way to frame it is looking at life as an opportunity to learn and grow. Nobody is perfect, so instead of looking at the half-empty: "I am not living up to my potential," people should try to get in touch with the optimism that gets them out of bed.

Tom Hanks' character Tom Nolan in Cast Away states this quite well:

"I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. . . And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

I say don't measure your life with coffee spoons; but do live passionately, with an evolving potential that is guided by hope and an eagerness to grow and learn.

I like the message of being kind and having meaningful goals that fit in with who you are and what you want from your life.

I don't like the whole thing about getting out of bed. Could you be dealing with post-divorce depression? Please don't project it on to the rest of us. My life is filled with happiness. Sure, it's filled with other things as well but I have a fundamental base of happiness and contentment. I appreciate that not everyone is as lucky as I am but people should know that happiness is possible. There are plenty of people who live meaningful, satisfying and, yes, happy lives.

I don't think it would be helpful to anyone in a suicidal state to read your comment that you wonder why more of us don't kill ourselves. Comments like that could tip someone over the edge.

As someone else said, you struck a chord with me as well–YOU ROCK, Penelope. And this is not from a twentysomething, but an overachieving-to-be-successful 40something who needs this validation.

This is so true – especially how people don't always succeed in their careers because they never learned about being kind or don't have good social skills. I've had people comment on my "successes" and wonder how I "always did well in interviews" or whatever. I know why, I am positive, friendly, empathetic and I listen to the people talking. Simple stuff, but so many people are too self-centered to get it.

"Reaching one's full potential" is a catch phrase used by teachers and therapists who support children with disabilities. Within that context, it means that a child with a disability has a certain set of limitations that impede that child from growing and achieving what other children would achieve.

In a magazine for parents of such children, called "Exceptional Parent," a mother writes "We must withhold judgments about our child's potential and spend our time learning and helping him discover who he is".

So, when I add this comment to Penelope's post and all the replies, I have more pieces to the puzzle that I am struggling with: What can my child achieve? Will he ever live independently?
Will engagement and connectedness and kindness and optimism be enough if he cannot make a living and live independently? Will society be kind to him, or will he be forgotten in a "group home" at some point?

Thanks to all who wrote about their self-reflection. My child will probably never self-reflect about this issue, never try to find meaning, or choose or interpret among the various meanings of "full potential". His unselfconsciousness is actually a beautiful thing. But his mother (me) does worry . . .

CAK

Having thought about this overnight (a good thing; it means I engaged with the post at a high level) I'm inclined to disagree.

People tend to stumble through life. They tend to go day to day, without stepping back and thinking about what kind of person they really want to be.

The concept of "potential" is a small call to take that step back and think about what kind of person you could be, if you weren't so busy being who you are.

It can be what makes you take stock and change all those things about your life that keep you from being who you want to be.

In my case, I spent years working in big offices in big organizations in big tall buildings. Not infrequently, I would remember the words of a Joni Mitchell song, "you could have been more – than a name on a door – in the 33rd floor – in the air."

After a while, the thought of being more – of potential, as it is – made me pretty much upend my life and have a go at being someone different.

Did I achieve my potential? Did I achieve superlativeness? Am I wonderful and full of cosmic energy? Not even close. All the same, I think I am a bit better off for having been pushed to try to be more what I dreamed of being.

I don't worry about people's unused potential, but I do worry about them (and myself) not using their strengths. So much capability wasted but … it's not possible to be 100% productive, effective, etc. … but first you have to be at peace with yourself …

Don't forget…
Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" – she always called me Elwood – "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

Best. Post. Ever. At least for me. I often beat myself up about not being in a 'more successful' place. (But I'm very nice, really! Always quite popular (though not with management)). Aha! AHA!… : )

lol.. interesting observation that waking up in the morning is an optimistic decision.

love your sense of humor at chrisB's comments lol

"When you stop looking at the world as a competition, then you can stop wondering why you’re not coming in first place."

Thanks for this post. Competition has replaced soulfulness; some of us born into competitive societies are never even aware that there is something else other than competition or one-upmanship. As a result, we cannot help but feel insecure and like a failure no matter what we do. If you run in that race, you just can't win.

This is a very wise post, and it sounds like it comes from hard-earned, real life lessons learned. Good for you – if you, and we, let go of this delusional baloney we'll all be better off. Great post.

I was thinking about another piece of BS this weekend – the blanket prescription to "get outside of your comfort zone."

Great advice if getting out of a particular comfort zone is good for you, what you really want to do, gets you where you want to go, etc. (e.g., I want to be a doctor but am afraid to apply since no one in my family has ever gone beyond college – in that case, stretch and be happy).

Total flaming BS if the advice is to do this, simply to do this (I don't want to jump a motorcycle over a burning car, but gosh darn it, I've got to get out of my comfort zone).

More flaming BS is "YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CAREER PLAN" if said by a controlling person not involved in your career… Enough said (warning, warning, invasive control freak on the loose….).

Rules are for the small minded, and these pieces of advice are the kind of things that our parents used to tell us when they didn't have any solid advice to give, but knew that they "should" be pushing us around and these seemed like easy, obvious statements.

I also appreciate Chris's addition of of how "living up to potential" is used with kids with disabilities – the use of the concept there makes some sense.

But with developmentally normal kids, "you better live up to your potential" from family invariably means "you better expletive expletive be a doctor or lawyer, expletive, 'cause I didn't bring you into this world to waste your life being an expletive [teacher, minister, writer, add any title that isn't all about the $$$$ and status]." From teachers it just means "don't give me any problems, kid."

Thanks for the thoughtful post, Penelope. A great way to start the week.

Wow – based on most of the comments so far, I'm very much in the minority, but I'm going to say that I totally disagree with you.

"First of all, getting up in the morning is very hard. It is fundamentally an act of optimism. Because surely you have already realized that most days are not full of happiness."

If your life is like this, then you are doing something wrong. You've been saying all this BS about how GenX, GenY, Gen XYZ, etc. are taking cahrge of their lifes and making meaningful choices, instead of being stuck as a 9-5 drone, and how all of that is making their lifes wonderful. Seems to me that this directly contradicts today's posting. Personally, I think the various generation labels are mostly BS, but that's a different discussion. PT, you of all people, ought to be living a very satisfied life. You are practicing what you preach, aren't you? How is it that your days aren't filled with happiness then?

Ahh, Penelope, you've been watching the Olympics and the beach volleyball, haven't you? It's ok that you moved on…forgive yourself. Forgiveness is letting go of the wish for a better Past.

Okay, some good points here. But let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, shall we? (Because then all you have is a wet, badly injured baby.)

While "living up to your potential" is sometimes over-rated or used abusively, it's NOT total BS. It's a good concept frequently misused.

When I review my son's homeschool assignments and say, "Son, you can do better work than this. You are not living up to your potential" it's because we BOTH know that he was goofing off, distracted, unfocused, or unengaged with his homework, so he's made sloppy, careless mistakes. (We both know that he knows that 3x+2x=5x, not 6x, or that "exaggerated" has two Gs in it, for example.) When used in this way, "not living up to your potential" is a warning that means, "we both know you can do better, and I expect you to focus more on your work."

That does not negate the fact that there are abusive bosses out there who will use that phrase to scare the bejeebers out of a less-than-assertive employee, so that the employer can squeeze more and more work out of an increasingly overwhelmed, burnt out employee. I've had a few of those. And it was a wonderful feeling to LEAVE.

As for being kind, sometimes it works, sometimes not. Sometimes you have to throw kind out the window and be hard as nails mean. But not nearly as often as some people think. "Nice" will almost always get you trod on by people who take advantage. "Kind" knows when to pull off the velvet gloves and start using some iron fist.

This phrase of "living up to ones potential" doesn't even make sense from the grammatical. It gives me no additional insight about myself, nor the world around me. In science, we learn the concepts of potential & kinetic energy. (The rock sitting on the top of the hill represents potential energy) It has great potential to roll fast down the hill, thereby reaching its kinetic state. However, unless a force pushes it, it will never reach it's kinetic state. Humans are much like the rock on top of the hill. We sit and wait for a force to move us, to motivate us. The people who move and shake this world don't wait. They spend time on creating kinetic situations. They seem characteristically impatient, busy and, full of more ideas than they know what to do with. I appreciate people like this. We should all concentrate more on "living in our own kinetic state" rather than constantly examining the endless variety of potentials. Good post Penelope ! Jim B

Gotta disagree with you on this one. I'm going to go out on a limb and defend the Jim's of the world (top of post string) — being kind is a good way to live, but don't expect to be recognized and/or not be taken advantage of when you are kind at work.

A *lot* of people here are splitting hairs on the definitions of Nice vs. Kind. I don't think the verbiage makes any difference. What I think stops many people from feeling that they are doing something worthy of their talents is the inability to stand up for themselves and ask for what they want, early and often.

I have put myself in Jim's position many times, always thinking that I was "doing the right thing", working hard, treating others with respect, going above and beyond the call of duty to make someone else's job and life easier, etc., etc. Someone's bound to notice, right? Yes, they did in fact notice. But when push came to shove, although every person I've ever worked with says I'm a team player and I was a phenomenal employee, I was passed over for promotions and big salary increases every time.

Lesson learned: No one will take care of you but you. So this "being kind" business is only one part of a very large and complicated equation. Yes, maybe some of your readers need the reminder to treat others with humanity and respect, but I would venture that the vast majority of people who read career advice columns are already too "kind" for their own good.

Jennifer – I believe there is a difference between kindness and being a pushover.

People might not openly reward you for your act of kindness, but unless they're an absolute asshole, I guarentee they'll remember an act of kindness for a long time to come.

And when you really need a helping hand…

Being kind will draw two kinds of people to you….those that you want to call friends and collegues and those that take advantage. Still, what goes around comes around. Learn from both the negative influences as well as the positive and enjoy the journey.

I once had a teacher that got us to write our own headstones as speach titles….He said, "How do you wish to be remembered?"

Kindness becomes more 3-D for me when I turn the lens a quarter turn to reveal generosity and altruism. I know better what to do when I expand the definition in this way: I know to do acts of kindness, generosity and altruism because I think of myself/I am a generous/kind/altrustic person–NOT because I expect to get anything back. Not because I may some day need to call in a favor. Not because I want to teach my children these virtures . . . but only because I AM KIND . . . I only have control of myself, and I am satisfied that I AM KIND.

Interesting, the degree to which we have settled upon kindness as the most important/popular of the 4 elements that PT suggests . . . She also suggested Optimism, Engagement and Connectedness for our consideration, as pivotal . . .

Freud said that there are two elements: love and work. PT writes her blog about the intersection of love and work. If balance is possible. If bringing love and work together is possible and desirable . . .

So I have put the 4 elements, Optimism, Engagement, Connectedness and Kindness to the test–do they apply to love AND work? Do they apply to everything? For me, they do. In the old catechism, I was taught about the necessity of faith and hope–which may be found within Optimism. Likewise, Connectedness and Kindness are associated with Love, Loving-kindness. And to me, Engagement is staying-with-it, the hard work of perseverance, the mark of an indomitable spirit. So this value system works for me, past and present.

PT, you should run for president or pope–you've come up with the all-inclusive value system!

CAK

Whose potential? Whose standards?

So many writers from different areas of life concur with you. Sylvia Browne, Brian Tracy and many others.

I always remember what Steven Covey said:

"We are spiritual beings on a human journey."

Surely figuring out why we are here, you know, the meaning of life thing, has to have some bearing on our life choices. Although climbing the corporate ladder may be it for a few, for many others there has to be something more.

How many people on their death beds have wished that they had put more hours in at the office?

I had to laugh a little at getting up in the morning being used as a metaphor for optimism.

If you've been in bed for more than 4 or 5 hours, you will HAVE TO GO when you wake up. If you stay in bed too long, it just gets more urgent.

No matter how much life sucks, it will suck more if you don't get out of the sack and head for the bathroom.

How does this fit in with the Gen X and Yers who job hop? I started to change my career path significantly by completing a grad program in education and now I'm somewhere similar to where I was when I started my program. I did not change careers but I've changed jobs at least four times since 2003.

I often wonder if I should try teaching again, if I should pursue a whole different avenue or if I should stay in pr/communications/editing. Since this is a career blog, I was hoping to get some advice that could help me.

As far as I can tell I've been nice all along. But I don't often get very close to many people and I feel lacking because I don't have the money or the type of home that allows me to entertain people. I think people want to be entertained by others more than they want to be treated kindly by others.

I'm often bored, overworked and poor. I would like to be rich and appropriately challenged but I would even take poor and appropriately challenged. Maybe I could be nicer to myself. I truly don't believe I'm living up to my potential and simply the thought that I'm not living up to my potential shames me. I feel embarrassed to be myself.

We measure others using our own yardstick, biasing the results with our own limitations. Unfortunately, that's not a fair measure. The best method is to develop your own standard. People will certainly let you know when your standard is below theirs, providing you the opportunity to improve your standard.

Time to call out the emperor's new clothes, people.

What we have here is a brilliant blog entry. Why? Because it has a controversial title and controversial content, which translates to increased reader reaction and involvement. Why does PT have such a successful blog? For one, she is not afraid to say anything which may seem shocking–and often she does. With over 100 comments on this entry, PT has done it again. Kudos for maintaining a blog that arrouses so much interest and lives up to its potential as one of the hottest blogs out there.

I'm kind of late to the thread, but here's my two cents:

I agree with Penelope, though "nice" and "kind" may have been bad choices to describe those goals. I think the important thing is that you approach everything in an honorable way.

Niceness can be mistaken for weakness. But people usually equate "nice" with "do anything anyone tells you to without a confrontation". People will (metaphorically) walk over broken glass to avoid confrontations.

I get what Penelope has said in other posts that kind of links into what she's saying here. Don't be evil, or manipulative, or two-faced. Operate with honor, and honesty. If you have a problem, approach other people with respect and empathy – don't just jump to conclusions.

It's taken me a long time to stop beating myself up with the yardstick of measuring myself to other people. I am almost 40 and for years was hard on myself for not owning a home, or being in upper management, or owning a car. But I stopped hitting myself with that stick, and I am successful in the ways I define as successful. I now have the career I always wanted, and am damn thankful I don't own a car when gas is almost $4.50 a gallon.

Your article is quite unique and I enjoyed the read. I think that living to your potential is more of an internal review and a self evaluating feature. When someone does not feel that they are living to their potential – what are they actually saying other than "I felt that based on my skills I would be here, but rather I well behind that." In not so many terms, they are recognizing a broken part of their own self or better yet they are realizing that they are not the person that they thought they were. Not bad to say that, but it will get you thinking. Living to ones potential is a personal choice and is done daily from the time you open to your eyes till the end of your day. Each and every time you give it your all – well you have lived to your potential. The outcome – oh, that is up to God.

Wow! what a lot of feedback, I wish I had time to read it all.

If anyone remembers Christmas Morning as a kid? there was no problem getting out of bed back then!

Intelligence is to live every day as if it was Christmas Morning. OK presents every day would get boring, so learning to appreciate the subtle pleasure of dealing with difficult situations, and even failing at the task, is crucial. Failure is just a new beginning with extra knowledge. There is no reason to be stuck in a lousey job. move on. even if the pay is worse! set your goal to be waking up excited at the prospect of a whole new day's adventure.

P.S. Alastair Carnegie I like the way you think, but that too takes courage. And the later in life you come to that realization, the more courage it takes:)

Part of living is growing which is expanding our personal potential.

Jessica Bond

Bravo! Harry Joiner,

If you noted, or if you were maing reference to my comment, I did qualify, mountaineers are not suicidal, but the risks they take are close to suicidal. I chickened out climbing mount Kenya. I had the perfect excuse, Mountain Sickness! Phew! what a relief. but my Aunty in her 50s, returned with a beaming smile, that made me slightly envious. Fear will often find a convenient excuse.

As for Heaven, if you live according to your admirable philosophy, Heaven is already knocking at your door. May you live with my sincere blessings amongst "The Blessed".

Another thing I've noticed about the limits of "nice"- this is a HUGE problem for many women, and I count myself among them. I remember sitting in a coffee shop, on a break from some $7 per hour temp job (this was 1988) and hearing two men discuss how the minimum salary they would not consider an insult was $60K.

Years later I worked with a woman who, I am sure, considered me a bitch because I said that I thought there was a problem with an organization being staffed with educated women in their late 40s doing clerical work for $30K (in 2007). NO ONE there was living up to their potential. I got the job to get the proverbial foot in the door in a fairly competitive nonprofit arena, but there was no door. I quit within months.

wow. i really needed to read that just now. even the title jumped up and hit me on the head. in a good way.

my superego's really been giving it to my id lately, and you're right about what you write, and most especially the part about kindness.

getting my head out of my ass, already. thank you.

Penelope – There's an old saying, "Noblesse Oblige" – To him much is given, much is expected. Individual potential is very different. For reasons of birth, wealth, genetics, DNA, who knows? Some people have more to give than others. And thank GOD some are driven to live up to theirs.

Because Lister lived up to his potential, we know about bacteria. Because Edison lived up to his potential we have over 1,000 inventions that kept him up nights until he could figure it out. Because Henry Ford lived up to his potential, most people in the US believe it's their birthright to own a car, if not two. Wall street, the internet, NASA, medicine, science – all are gifts to our way of life that were given to us by people who didn't think living up to their inner potential was BS.

It is good to have those character traits you espouse, but it's the people who are driven, who don't quit when things get a little hard, who have an inner need to live up to what they were given that we have the life we have today. If all we did was try and be kind and no one thought this was a race, there wouldn't be any jobs for any of us to go to. Face it – the 'driven ones' are the ones who create jobs, create new ideas, create the governments, cities, inventions, and ideas that make the world go around.

It is easy to sit in front of a machine that has existed all YOUR life and send messages out on an internet that has also existed ALL your life, and cast aspersions at people who encourage others to step outside their little world and contribute all they've got.

Here's what it means when we remind ourselves and others to live up to whatever potential is inherent: You've got something here – the world needs you to use it! Get out of the rut; Stop feeling sorry for yourself; Stop whining. Yes, the world is hard. Do it anyway.

IMHO – for many it IS a race. For a single mother of 4 trying to make ends meet, it's a race. For a guy waking up in a foxhole this morning, it IS a race. For a scientist searching for a cure for AIDS or breast cancer it IS a race.

The point of the statement "Live up to your potential" is that we need to get past our own self sabotaging beliefs and do something useful with our lives.

Perhaps the reason the US trails in innovation, production, math, and now science is that once we achieved the top rung we started sneering at the ideals that got us here. The computer you typed this on is more powerful than the Eniac computer that only 3 decades ago scientists would line up to use. If Hewlett and Packard, Bill Gates, Steve Case, and Steve Jobs had all felt the way you do, you'd be sending this out on mimeograph paper.

Beth Terry
(and yes – I have told all my kids, stepkids, and students to Live UP to what's inside. It gets me through the day, and it has helped all of them find their way in the world.)

Good sakes people! I don't think Penelope is telling people to stop achieving. I think she is just telling people to have the right motivations and to recognize when they are just kidding themselves with excuses.

I would like to report from the other end of the spectrum of existence. Many of us here at http://www.thisoldgrouch.com have lived through the bumps and very real catastrophes of life. If there is such a thing a true potential it is likely that it is seeking us as much as we are looking for it. Simply greeting the day with kindness is an important first step. However, imbibing the moment with love is a choice that is always possible. We most often can not control how our lives unfold, but we can make choices about how we respond to it.

This little video, "The story of a sign," says a lot about being kind and motiviating others to seeing things differently…far better than I can.

http://en.zappinternet.com/video/nilSqaMboM/HISTORIA-DE-UN-LETRERO-T

It would be interesting to hear your thoughts on the Olympic athletes (like Phelps). Have they lived up to their potential thanks to a striver's mindset, or is what they have achieved a result of being who they are and pursuing goals that are meaningful to them?

David, I'm so sad I'm part of a problem.

@Monica: "when someone tells you that you have potential-they are generally full of crap. You either think I can do the job or I can't. If you think I'm capable, let me do what I need to do. If not, send me on my way."

Speaking of BS… Every task you've ever done you were fully capable of doing from the start without ever getting training? You've never gotten OJT? You've never worked with supervision until you learned all the ins and outs of a job? I don't believe it.

Tut! Tut! 'Getting Bored'. Penelope probably has to work like the rest of us. doing boring chores that are not condusive to the inspiration from her muse.

It's nice to be missed isn't it Penny. But to Getting Bored's point, I have noticed a drop off in post frequency. Is something big on the horizon???? In the past when you did this, something important was in the works:)

Roberta,

Where the problem comes in with the notion of the student, or an adult for that matter, and having the sense someone is 'looking for something,' is that we're not taught to respond to that feeling or perception with "what do you want me to do? To what standard will you hold me accountable?" If the math teacher expects Johnny to win the Nobel Prize some day, and the little guy is just trying to figure out when those two trains leaving from different cities at different speeds will get to Chicago, someone is going to be disappointed. And Johnny's not doing a report card on the teacher, I suspect.

Seriously, notice what asking that question does…instead of 'shooting for the stars,' trying to be perfect, and failing, we're set up to succeed. Often, the other person doesn't know what they expect, and if they don't, how can you succeed?

What's expected of us becomes clearer, because both people have shared information about it. Does that preclude setting a higher standard for ourselves? No, of course not. I'm not suggesting the end of self-improvement…just that it be that – improving oneself for the satisfaction of doing so, not to get an external reward.

If we don't learn that in school, when do we get there? Given how many comments have been posted here, I suspect it's an issue long after those trains made it to the Windy City.

Penelope:
I'd say 140+ comments without you in the room demonstrates a vibrant community – when are you speaking in Silicon Valley next?

The last few posts seem to have moved on from the topic to when will PT post next, but I'll comment anyway. I think her post was brave. Obviously, "living to one's potential" has many different constructs and everyone is bringing their own "stuff" to how they define it. Also, the wording itself, i.e., "potential" frames the concept competitively (if something is/has potential, you either get it or not; if you don't, then someone else does). If one is purely looking at it from a materialistic viewpoint (success = wealth), its a pretty basic premise. However, if your assessment of your own potential is more open-ended, that leaves you with more options. Just yesterday, I came across a 1992 magazine article from The Futurist about Americans' growing efforts to pursue material goods to "be happy." (I guess this concept has bothered me for a while!?) I recently became interested in Buddhism in an attempt to achieve a better life balance. Attracted to goals of mindfulness and yes, being kind, I am trying to use Buddhism tenets and tools to calm my mind and gain better insight into what I really want. BUT, I have been struggling with how this fits in with my career aspirations. I'm in NYC and for all everyone here is into yoga, Kaballah, and wheatgrass juice, its still a pretty messed up place to work (at least in my industry, government). I can only attempt to be engaged and kind (including to myself) while also mindfully watching my back. I agree with the post about PT equating "nice" with "social skills" as naive or even off-center, esp. if she's written previously of "social skills" in another context. For me, for my previous job, my needed "social skills" would have to be perfecting seeing from the back of my head, installing my own wiretapping, and possibly even a nanny-cam in my office. I am trying to be optimistic that kindness in the workplace IS possible,(that it works in a viable "give and take" kind of way, not a one-sided doormat/abuse kind of way.

@Mira,

The world is a place where in one moment we may encounter great good, kindness, support and grace, yet in the next moment we may experience cruelty, hate, envy and the like.
It's just the way life is.
Does this mean that someone who portrays life one way, or who advocates a credo that seems to focus on one side as opposed to the other side of the good vs bad equation is wrong? I think not. Remember the adage of the blind men and the elephant? Well this applies here as well.
A basic tenet of being human should (in my opinion) revolve around being kind, but does this mean that there is to be no other side to our interface with the world? NO!!!!
Life isn't simple, and kindness needs to be applied with the knowledge that it may be viewed as weakness, fear, or stupidity. But so what. We are ultimately being kind for ourselves. So we can like the person we see in the mirror everyday, and so that somehow, the faint flame of "niceness" we put forth will inspire others to do the same and perhaps eventually we won't have to watch our backs or be prepared to defend our turf because someone else thinks they see weakness to be exploited.
Life is short, so be you, and be kind, but be equally ready to defend yourself so that your acts of kindness are not the genesis a problem. It comes with the territory.

My 2centsworth:)

I would love to hear someone–Alastair or anyone else–trace the connection between living up to one's full potential and attachment theory a la Buddhism.

Are we attached to achievement? Attached to success? Attached to being smart and savvy? Attached to being one-up?

Does it feel good to achieve (one's full potential)? Does it bring contentment and peace?
Does achieving success bring contentment and peace? Is success satisfying? Or is it an appetite or a inner goading? That never ends, that is never satisfied? An "endless, aching need"?

Has anyone seen the add (by Rolex) with the guy who says he reached the top of his profession and then, he says (with a sly smile), QUIT?

CAK

A Joke,

The Buddhist who arrived in paradise, was so attached to service, s/he demanded to be sent right back.

@ Dave:

I would never want a job where I would know the ends and outs. That's my idea of hell-a job that is so routine that you don't have to think about your tasks. Fortunately for me, my educational level makes me undesirable for those types of positions. If I find myself in a job that requires mechanized thinking or requires "coaching" or "on the job training" or has SOPs for every damn thing in the world, I move on. The work and environment ended up being mind-numbingly dull.

I look for positions that allow variety, flexibility and encourage independent thinking. I love the fact that my job presents new challenges and unexpected activities everyday. I love the fact I can use my education to solve different problems everyday. I feel that's what PhD should be able to do-use your research skills to work independently, ask the important questions, look at the information available critically, and answer the question or present solutions based on your informed judgement.

In other words, PhDs shouldn't have to be trained. They sometimes allow themselves to be indoctrinated with company policies but that's not learning anything of value, especially if they are going to move on eventually.

Finally, I don't believe you can train someone to think independently. You can't train someone to be adaptable (the Marines can but that's another story).

Did P go to the Olympics without telling us?

I think PT has sold the blog to Alastair Carnegie, Dale et al and took the proceeds shopping in NYC…

Signs of the Times.

Recently our Archbishop of York, who incidentally has precedence over the Prime Minister, jumped out of an aeroplane in the capapable hands of the Red Devils, WITHOUT A PARACHUTE! just for charity! It's hard to keep up with the strange publicity stunts going on.
http://aaron-titherington.memory-of.com/About.aspx

"….He was studying music and music technology at Nelson and Colne College when he died.
His determination in the face of his illness brought him attention from a wealth of famous names. He met Cardinal Basil Hulme, and was taken on a helicopter ride with Noel Edmonds and the presenter's Airborne Trust charity, as well as meeting pop stars, actors and other personalities…."

My Home Town. Bonnie Colne.

Sister Veronica (From Colne)was Director of Communications to His Late Holiness Pope John Paul II, and Private Secretary to H.H. Pope Benedict. We will keep you informed.

Cardinal Basil Hulme, had a coffin ready to cart him off at his last Easter Celebration. His Doctor thought he would never make it throgh the Service. Basil's last request to his congregation, and he made the request with tear stained emotion, concerned the urgent message of 'Hope' that must be broadcast to all peoples and Nations. That is our mission. It is NOT false hope. we can all play our part.

@Chris,

Oops spelt your name wrong!:-(…Cris?)

The ending to the Buddhist attached to service joke:-

After demanding to be sent back from paradise, the reception angel said that would be impossible, as the Buddhist was assigned to be the Preacher's guardian angel, and he was due to be sent back, born deaf and blind.

"Can't we swap places" Asked the Buddhist Monk, "I love quiet and solitude"

"That would mean that Preacher would become your guardian angel, are you sure you want that?"

"Tell him to find a cure!"

"If he does find a cure," said the Angel, "that would probably result in the cure being preached all over the world."

"OK….DEAL!" said the Buddhist.

@Dave,

Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!….

If you can stand it? another lame Buddhist Joke:-

"What's the sound of one hand clapping?"

Answer:- "That's soooooooooo easy it's a breeze!"

I am currently attached to jokes, I think my search engine is joining in with the fun? Who said computers have no heart?

http://corky.net/scripts/poeticJustice.html

Quote:-
COLUMBIA TITLE CARD: ONCE UPON A TTME IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS We hear voices:
one male, the other female. From the tone of their speech and the
accompanying music, we can tell we are entering a romantic scene.

FADE IN:

1 INT FANCY NEW YORK APARTMENT–DINING ROOM–NIGHT Where we see a romantic
scene played out between a man and a woman. Both are white. The couple have
just finished a candlelit dinner.

BRAD: You like your wine? Want s'more?

She nods her approval.

PENELOPE: Mmmmm you're good. Candles, dinner, wine. What's next?

He grins.

BRAD: Let me set the mood.

>>>>>?????

Now I know why Penelope has (had?) a 2 comment per person per blog post limit. This particular one has degenerated into utter drivel.

@Aaron,

From one Priest Levi to another, "Have you tended your lamp today?"…. "is it still burning bright?"…

A light heart, illuminates.

Three plagues are quite sufficient to make the point.

On the subject of living up to our full potential, the great Sanskrit Scholar, A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada explained exactly what the obstacles were. He wrote:-

"…Neither the world nor our surroundings distract us; it is only the mind. The mind is the medium of greatest attachment. And the objects of attachment are also not in your environment, but only within your mind. Your family, your friends, and your whole world is not what it appears. It¢s presence within you is imaginary and doesn't have too much similarity with the world outside. This is why we suffer. We perceive the world as one thing in our mind but it¢s really something else. This is the cause of all human sufferings and frustrations, pains and agonies. The only way out is to go beyond the limitations of mind. Going beyond the limitations means going beyond the imaginations. Once you are out of your own imaginations, you see the world very real and the foremost reality is that the world is nothing but God Himself. There is nothing other than God anywhere anytime. The only obstacle between you and God is your mind. So, you have to go beyond the mind…"

We here in the West, do not even know what G-d is! and it's probably better to know nothing, rather than be taught total BS from another ignorant fool.

I know that we are all part of an experiment to see how long before this post fizzles out or if we can we break the world record number of comments – but we all like hearing the sound (or reading the words) of our own voices far too much. We will not shut up!

Penelope, put us out of our misery.
New post please!

@Beth Terry

It's amazing how short our memories are (and how fast time passes). It's technically true and entirely inaccurate that the Internet and personal computers have existed for all of my life — the everyday use of those technologies has changed so profoundly that it's like comparing an egg to a chicken. It was a big deal to me when I first saw a computer capable of producing realistic sound. It was utterly amazing to me when, just before graduating high school, I downloaded a entire episode of a television program off the Internet in only two days (evil trick question: why did I do that, and how old am I?).

But, historical side notes aside…

What do you think of when you imagine living "not up to your potential"? From your post, you seem to think that people motivated by "kindness" rather than "living up to their potential" would eschew challenge, neglect their responsibilities, and contribute nothing to the world. Is kindness that easy and that inconsequential to you? And do you really think that Lister and Edison concerned themselves with "living up to their potential"?

I have to agree with Penelope: that statement comes from the school system and should remain there.

Hey, Brand Fanatic: might want to label that tweet link as NSFW!!

Always love, hate will get you every time
Always love, don't wait til the finish line

-Nada Surf

Interesting take on P. Trunk here:

http://unvarnishedtruth.wordpress.com/2008/08/06/

Shocked acolytes can now discuss how Penelope is exceeding her potential.

RE: Unvarnished truth article.

It's about time somebody exposed this woman for exactly what she ISN'T.

Her "fans" probably don't care about her highly questionable veracity when it comes to her experience and qualifications.

Hmmm. Wonder if lying and fabricating in the name of aspirations and branding is a Gen Y thing????

@ Travis, Nate, IRG, et al.

Am I missing something here? If you don't see any benefit in the BC or PT's take on life/career etc, why stick around? Is there so much satisfaction to be had in tearing away at a person's image because you don't like them, that the effort is justified?

PT's writing helps some people, and it irks some people, so what? This is life. But the constant efforts of some (moral stalwarts) to change what they view as undeserved adulation for someone else says more about the stalwarts than it does about the undeserving individual.
Pinch yourselves (metaphorically) to awaken to the real reasons you can't simply walk away from this blog and leave those who attend, to their "delusions." I'm sure that among them is a large dose of envy.

I would love to know more about the role that ENVY plays in career decisions and our everyday job life.

ooooooo…. this commentator person has some good points…..

"2. Recognize that the world isn't a race."

I was a senior in college when my friend/classmate from high school was starting law school. For awhile, I felt crappy because she seemed so "far ahead" of me and where I was. Then I realized 2 things – she made some choices I never would have (like taking 18 and 21 credits per semester in undergrad in order to graduate in 3 years), and I didn't want to be where she was (in law school). It was then I realized I couldn't compare my track in life with anyone else's.

Also, I think folks use "live up to your potential" as a less-accurate way of saying "always do your best." Sometimes I haven't done my best — half-assed a class in school, rushed on a project for work (during my stint in corporate life), etc., so I might not have lived up to the potential greatest of -whatever- it was I was doing.

It's better to be kind, than to be nice.
Nice implies a lack of boundaries and self-respect. Kind, on the other hand, implies doing what you can do, and not harming yourself to do so.

Kindness is sorely lacking in this world full of "nice" people.

Let's

200!

I think that one of our most fatal flaws as humans is to assume that there's a cap on our potential, or to assume that there's a pre-destined purpose that we're supposed to be living up to. I agree with your sarcasm also – if you're complaining about "not living up to your potential," either do something about it or shut up.

Re: You are on this earth to be kind. That is your only potential.

As long as what I'm doing what makes me happy, I believe I'm more willing to be kind to others.

Penelope,

How do we differentiate kindness from niceness? We all want to be generous and good people, giving where we can, but we don't want to become soft targets. It's a delicate balance – any advice?

I really like this post. It is somewhat reasuring especially in todays world. I think that the word potential is something that is constantly redefined. Our potential today is different than what our potential will be tomorrow. Our potential constantly grows as we learn more and become more experienced. Therefore, someone can always try to reach their full potential without ever succeeding. That can really be frustrating.