I was nice in a previous position as a full-time employee. My niceness was mistaken for weakness. I had to to work 90 hour weeks. I pulled 4 all-nighters that year, under threat of losing my job.

As a reward for my niceness, I was told I was not a team player and not given a raise for 2 years.

I was also moved into an old abandoned bank vault for my cubicle.

Nice only gets you so far, and many people mistake being nice for being weak. You can be nice as long as you have your boundaries and hold fast to them.

BTW: After I left that firm, I almost doubled my salary.

For years I've been wondering what my teachers meant by saying, "You have so much potential!" I asked them what they meant, and even right after saying it, they couldn't tell me.

Thank you.

"People who say they are not living up to their potential do not understand what living means."

Brilliant!

@2. Too many people think life is a race that is only won if you get the gold in record time. Unlike the Olympics, slow and steady wins the race of life.

@Jim - don't let that one bad experience turn you off from being nice. You'll get more with sugar than vinegar (or something like that).

I was going to say something along the lines of what Jim posted, but after reading his post I'm thinking he and I and all the people who run over us for being nice are all wrong. While sometimes it's beneficial to be… less than pleasant in the short-term, it's not good for you as a person and it's not good for the world. My belief has always been that my purpose in life, although it often seems completely unproductive (for me…) is to make things easier for other people. This primarily means being kind. I've been fortunate to be able to be true to myself in this respect, but there have always been people opposed to this philosophy, those who have told me to be more "bold" when they mean rude, demanding, selfish, actually.

Maybe they're right, but it's not right for me.

@Jim & Amanda - you actually don't have to be less than pleasant to still not get walked on. A lot of people do this, but you mistake saying no to things as being mean which isn't the case at all. Being bold isn't about being those negative things, its about standing up for yourself - how is that negative?

Understanding yourself, your own needs, and how to communicate them will never be looked at as negative. @Jim, you can't complain about your old job working you crappy hours, never getting a raise, and having a bad office because you never stood up for yourself and said no. That's not being nice, that's being a doormat. @Amanda, I don't think there's a wrong or right purpose for people's lives, but yours strikes me as having low self esteem rather than it being a purposeful life. As much as we can hate it, we're all ego driven and what happens when we don't let our own needs come first? So while you spend your time making other people's lives easier, you sound like your life is taking the backseat. I say this because your post doesn't sound positive, it sheds a negative light around being nice, as Dan's does. So think of it this way… if being nice is negative, is it really nice?

"I spend a lot of time wondering why more of us don’t kill ourselves, and I never come up with a great answer."

Possibly a better use of time is to wonder why the people who kill themselves do.

People mistake being nice with being a pushover. Being nice is about treating people with respect. Basically the Golden Rule that we are learned as children works just fine. When people don't reciprocate, you still need to react and maintain your boundaries. Work those 90 hour weeks but be sure to talk about some compensation for the extra effort you put in.

Well said, Amanda!

Since the 80s there has been a deification of ugly, demanding, selfish behavior. Yet humanity would have never survived for millennia if we actually were all piggy, all the time.

In our own day, "niceness" has been seen as a problem to be cured with assertiveness training, a toxic state of "co-dependency," and as Jim describes, an invitation to workplace predators.

And who doesn't love a workplace filled with predators maximizing their personal potential?

In the economic times ahead, however, kindness and consideration may be the best possible currency. The other kind isn't looking too safe right now.

Yes - social skills, soft skills, emotional intelligence…These can be the defining factors for many people. Brilliant people aren't always the best decision makers or the best communicators, but communication and decision making are key to success at work and in life.

It amazes me how often smart, well-educated people blow opportunities as a result of poor emotional intelligence. It is easy to underestimate the value of being driven by bigger goals (being kind…being connected). Life DOES get in the way, and we excuse our less than stellar behavior because we are tired, or didn't get a good parking spot, or missed our flight, or missed a deadline…This list goes on and on.

No matter what anyone tells us, there is little in life that is totally within our control. We rely on other people for so much of what we use to define "success."

I am convinced that people who re-set their gauges to define success based on what they DO control (how they treat others, how they react to difficult situations) are much more likely to jump out of bed in the morning than those who allow others to set those standards.

Thanks for the reminder!

I don't think Penelope said to be nice, she said to be kind. I think there's an important distinction there.

I think kindness has an internal, moral component to it where niceness is more involved with externals, appearance and manners.

Niceness is something you can exhibit all the time, I think kindness is a response to a sincere need in someone you are interacting with. You can act nice when being taken advantage of but you can't be kind because it isn't an interaction that allows kindness to come into play.

kind1 (kīnd) pronunciation
adj., kind·er, kind·est.

1. Of a friendly, generous, or warm-hearted nature.
2. Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable: a kind word.
3. Humane; considerate: kind to animals.
4. Forbearing; tolerant: Our neighbor was very kind about the window we broke.
5. Generous; liberal: kind words of praise.
6. Agreeable; beneficial: a dry climate kind to asthmatics.

nice (nīs) pronunciation
adj., nic·er, nic·est.

1. Pleasing and agreeable in nature: had a nice time.
2. Having a pleasant or attractive appearance: a nice dress; a nice face.
3. Exhibiting courtesy and politeness: a nice gesture.
4. Of good character and reputation; respectable.
5. Overdelicate or fastidious; fussy.

From my own experience I learned that being assertive is better than being nice. But there is a fine line between being assertive and agressive. I think you can stand up for yourself and tell a co-worker or a boss that they are over stepping their boundaries in a respectful way. To do this in a assertive way is to look at things through their eyes as well as yours. That is very hard to do but that is what being generous in spirit is all about.

"You are not on this earth to do that. Trust me. No one is. You are on this earth to be kind."

Hi Penelope, sounds like you were channeling your inner Vonnegut — from _God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater_:

'Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies — "God damn it, you've got to be kind." '

If you were, good choice.

Being kind or optimistic as a goal is much less tangible than winning. I'm warming to it, but not without a fight; perhaps it takes maturity. It feels like a fracturing of goals, like the one thing I've been chasing — potential — has shattered into many things. That's confusing since you can't chase all of the pieces at once, if at all, so which ones to chase becomes the problem.

You've struck a chord, though I'm not sure what it is yet. I've been saying "potential is BS" for long enough, but in a different manner. I think potential is the limit we'll never reach. If you jump the bar, the bar is always set higher. At some point you have to be as single-minded as Capt. Ahab to clear it, and maybe it will cost everything you've got: family, friends, etc.

(I do, however, believe in preparing well, working hard, having goals. Not believing in potential is different than that…)

@ Amanda and Jim - The trouble with this thinking is is that niceness is something we deserve to be rewarded for. When that's missing the point entirely. The real reason kindness is for you. Not for rewards.

I think it's really hard, though, to separate those things from each because we want to be recognized and rewarded and not run over completely for being decent human beings. That's why ethics is such a big thing in the business world, right? But it's also why it's such a big issue.

So, thanks for being honest about this.

The challenge for us all is not just to focus on those things that matter most - kindness, relationships, optimism - by doing them, but for the mere act of doing so to be what satisfies us, no matter what else. Because that is where the authentic part comes in.

Perhaps you shouldn't write blog posts after coming off a red-eye.

I'm skeptical of people who say they don't live up to their potential — mostly because their evaluation of their potential is probably exagerated.

But I know plenty of people who don't live up to their potential — people who are smart but a bit lazy or who are talented in a field for which they have no interest.

I'm not sure I'd say that you're on earth to be "kind," but it's better than a lot of people come up with.

To the commenters above, kind is not necessarily "nice." You do not have to be a doormat to be kind. Another way to put it is gentle — posessing a strength that is used appropriately.

I agree that the goal is more "kindness" than "niceness." Nice has a sordid past. But I have certainly used the words interchangeably at times.

Some time ago, I figured out that being a good person was really the goal, but I am constantly challenged.

In my workplace, in particular, I am challenged by people who don't see this as a goal at all, much less an important one. My sense of justice is twisted when I see these people succeeding because people buy their manipulations. I don't want to be dragged down into their view of the world, but I have trouble keeping my own in the day-to-day.

Those who think that being kind = being a pushover are hurting themselves with a sucker's choice.

It is perfectly possible to be kind *and* firm, assertive and conscious of boundaries (yours and others). People who master this are effective and a joy to work with.

People who think that "being nice" involves letting other people abuse them and violate their boundaries are exhausting and miserable to work with, because they get exhausted, miserable, and ultimately resentful. Nobody likes a martyr.

I'm not so sure Penelope.

People always have potential - that's the gap between where you are right now and a place you could be. Having potential isn't a bad thing in itself, it's just how the self-help industry (of which I'm a part) has rammed this down our throats that gets my goat.

You don't have to go all out to reach that place of potential, and I firmly believe that having goals causes more problems than they solve.

For me, the point of 'realising potential' is about figuring out what's important to you and honouring those things. If that means being kind then great. If it means working with an NGO then great. If your important thing is making papier mache animals, then go crazy with your paper and glue.

You're right in suggesting that simply 'reaching potential' won't make you happy, just like reaching a goal won't make you happy by itself. With all the moving forwards and 'reaching' that people are doing, when do we get to stay still and enjoy ourselves right now?

As you say, the point is to engage - with where you are right now as well as whatever you might want to create. Wasted potential is someone who's not enagaging with what matters to them - that's not just a waste but a tragedy.

If living up to my potential means loving my kids, then I am doing a damn good job. :) Most of the time I think the rest is just window dressing so my kids are proud of me when they grow up. BTW, Penelope, your kids rock. Sorry you couldn't make it to the b-day party. Stuck in some connection somewhere, I suppose.

Just sayin' I found this column to be moving…striking at the core of an recent unfortunate incident at work. Well said.

Nobody lives up to their full potential. At least some gets unrealized by the choices we make and the dictates of our environment.

Like ChrisB said, your/my potential is probably exagerated by your/my mind. (I know, because I have bitten by it)

On the point of niceness, I had used my niceness to move ahead from each of my job. Niceness has to be accompany with reliability (Doing what you offered to help on). With that:
- More people will come to you for help, lead to more opportunities
- More willing provide help for you, which will make you more efficient (ask long as you are willing to ask)
- People are more understanding when you screw up

Niceness leads me to more opportunities not because I'm nice, but because I gain so much knowledge, skills & network by helping others.

Well said. It reminds me of the old "Good-fast-cheap model. You could pick any two, but there are never enough resources to make all three priorities.

Life (and potential) are the same way. Everyday, we make choices about where to apply our potential energies. I was an honors student my entire life and know many of my peers have gone on to to interesting things and have become successful.

Having a great career is fine, if that's all you want of life. However, at some point, you may decide there are other aspects of your life on which you'd like to expend your potential energy. For one friend, she was told (by a teacher) she was wasting hers on missionary work as an ESL elementary teacher in an underdeveloped country. For me, I try to divide mine among my career, spouse, and children.

Sooner or later if you start to feel you can "win" at everything, or any one thing, you'll come to realize that you have to give up–or that you have already lost by default–something in the process. When it my kids are sick, my husband and I know we have to sit out a round or two of work to take care of them, because we'd rather apply our greatest potential there.

@ChrisB
I'm skeptical of people who cannot spell exaggerated :)

Oh, yeah: "You are who you are, and you should just be you."

So self-improvement is out the door. Well, that frees up my Saturday.

Well said, P, I couldn't agree more.

And yours is the only blog where will people will argue about the difference between "kind" and "nice." Amazing - you are a stronger woman than me.

Semantics are not the point. Human decency is. Just use your superpowers for good, and all else falls into place.

Enjoy your weekend.

-Pam

You are not on earth to do anything. DNA mutated funny, creating the branch of the animal kingdom that led to humans. There's no special mission attached to that DNA mutation. It happened; we're here. We need to survive/thrive as long as we're on this Earth, simply because the cultural construct we've created for our society mandates it.

At first, I was thinking "Wow, PT is feelin' blue;" and I was going to recommend Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, which is a great book on practicing the tenets of positive psychology. His thesis, in a nutshell, is that a happy life requires both pleasure and meaning together. But as I finished the post, I felt you nailed it. Kindness is always good and always in short supply. To strive to be kind is highly meaningful and the experience of kindness is almost always pleasant.

What's important to me is I live up to the potential I have defined for myself. I have to live with myself. I'll listen to what other people have to say but ultimately the decision is mine. I always do my best to start with kind, respectful, optimistic, engaged, and connected as mentioned in #1. However there are times when people will test my patience and sometimes it happens when I've just been drained by a recent previous experience. One example of living up to my potential is driving an automobile responsibly. I have an excellent driving record and have taken numerous NTSI workshops to keep my insurance premiums at a minimum. Of course I occasionally get tested by someone cutting me off or tailgating me. I can't say I'm always kind and understanding in these matters but that's where I start. I have found if I have an immediate negative reaction to their bonehead maneuver that's what I'll get back from them. So I give them the benefit of the doubt and let it go. If they persist, they get my 16 plus years of LA driving experience. It's not pretty but I've lived up to my potential and I can live with myself.

"I'm not living up to my potential" only means…

"I'm not happy."

Tony Robbins says we have 6 basic needs.

Need 1: Certainty/Comfort
Need 2: Uncertainty/Variety
Need 3: Significance
Need 4: Connection/Love
Need 5: Growth
Need 6: Contribution

I kinda think he's on to something. If we feel underutilized in the workplace, we are probably lacking in one of these areas. Penelope is right. It's an emotional/spiritual issue.

Hmm. I have never, ever, heard anyone say that they themselves aren't living up to their own potential. I have only heard this said in the second and third person: 'you aren't' or 'he/she isn't.' It is always offensive to say that about someone else, and it never occured to me that anyone would apply that (poor) criterion of success to themselves.

You know, it does boil down to kindness.
I love the movie "Wit". In the end, all her academic/professional aspirations had little value. What was lasting was the basic kindness.

This is a great reminder for us all. I always feel like I'm never doing good enough, never being successful enough, but really that's okay because if I'm enjoying life that alone is success in the greatest form.

Very eloquent. One of your best posts for a long time.

I enjoyed this post very much. I even wrote down your four things to do, and will read them often. I also believe with those commenters who pointed out that being kind is not the same as being nice.

I can't help but have one of Liz Phair's saddest, most brilliant song lyrics in my head as I read this post: "I learn my name/I write with a number two pencil/I work up to my potential/I earn my name." That is so sad. And I totally relate to it.

You have this uncanny ability to post these things on the days I need to read them most.

This goes hand in hand with me listening to The Now Habit by Dr. Neil Firoe in my car because I procrastinate and then shit all over myself for doing it. And I've been doing it forever, even since I used sharp number 2 pencils in school and was "good" and always terrified someone was going to find out the piece of shit I really was. So I procrastinate. I always get things done but always under pressure and rarely ever feeling like I'm doing my best. Rather than give me more organizational tips (please, I know them all), this book really gets to the heart of why procrastination happens. Not because we are bad people but because it's a really effective way of drowning out the white noise of YOU ARE SHIT. It's how I've protected myself from that voice.

So, listening to this audiobook and reading this post made me realize my goals should not be: 1) stop being a terrible person and 2) do spectacular things to garner public recognition so a choir of people can tell me I'm no longer a terrible person. It's now going to be 1) be human because you are and 2) be kind, have compassion because you don't have to be the bitch whose just secretly scared anymore.

Thank you.

PS: It's Neil FIORE. I highly recommend his book, The Now Habit.

"Nice" is what LOOKS good.
"Kind" is what IS good.

And "kind" may be perceived as "unkind".

If my child is running into traffic and I grab her by the arm and yank her back to the sidewalk just before she is hit by a car, I know I'm being kind. But she cries because I have scared her. In her eyes, I've done something unkind - or "not nice".

We all create a fictional world. Being aware of this isn't good enough. We need check marks and balances to keep ourselves in line.

I try (notice I said try) to slow down every hour to watch the direction of my thoughts. Am I getting to caught up in all the emotion? When I am I stop, relax and find a 10% change in direction to keep happy and focused.

@Grace
Wow, That's is a concise way to explain the difference. I didn't know there is such a difference between nice & kind.

Smith & Fritzy:

I actually tried to stand up for myself and pushed back. When that happened things got even worse. I made a personal vow to get out of there and I now use that experience to spur me on.

Success is the best revenge.

Though I've read this blog for the better part of a year, this is the first time I am commenting. I could spend days with Anthony Robbins, Stephen Covey, or David Allen. I can do yoga and complete 10ks. I can pray or meditate or talk to my family to figure out how to lead my life. Penelope just summed up my mission statement in 8 words:

"Be kind. Be engaged. Be optimistic. Be connected."

Thanks!

I am not living up to my potential for kindness, engagement, and connectedness. But I am optimistic that I can do better.

The question is not whether or not you live up to your potential. The question is, are you happy, and are you growing?

Living up to your potential implies you have an external obligation. Trying to grow simply means being the best you that you can be.

Provocative post. I agree and disagree. I would argue that we’re not on earth to “be kind” as you say early in the post, but rather engaged, as you say at the end of the post.

I’m in my mid-twenties, and I’ve been thinking about what I really want out of life, and I’ve begun to realize that—for me, at least—I want to be fully engaged and present in all aspects.

When I’m fully engaged in my relationships, I treat people with respect and kindness. When I’m fully engaged in the world, I am aware and informed. When I’m fully engaged in my own life, I have the power to know what kind of life I want—and work to create it.

To me, that’s my “reaching my potential.” Knowing what I want and what I’m capable of and trying not to let fear or foolishness get in the way making it happen.

"most of getting what you want at work is about having social skills, and school doesn’t measure that. So there you go—if you insist on talking about living up to your amorphous potential, the reason you’re not doing it, most likely, is that you are not being kind enough at your work."

^It strikes me as a little sweetly naive to equate the social skills you need to advance in your career with just being kind.

I like to think of living up to my potential as being situational. In this moment, given the situation, how can I be the best that I am? And, almost always, that involves being engaged, kind and very present.

Hm, I really appreciated that rumination on the simple act of placing your faith in your alarm clock (and the near-grandiose intentions of your bedtime self) and placing both feet on the floor in the morning. To me, it didn't come off as nihilistic or negative…it's a great question. We know we probably won't find ultimate happiness…but we hope for meaning, nevertheless? Or there are probably many words you could toss in there…I feel like this discussion is trying to sneakily sum up Vonnegut (right on, Kirk!), Nietzsche, Jesus…all those Top 10 moral philosophies. Nice try commenters! Nice try, Penelope! Hah…The Tao of P.

Because it's the internet and I don't care how pretentious I come off here, here's my favorite (because I don't quite get it) chapter from the Tao, searchable here:

Accept disgrace willingly.
Accept misfortune as the human condition.
What do you mean by "Accept disgrace willingly"?
Accept being unimportant.
Do not be concerned with loss and gain.
This is called "accepting disgrace willingly".
What do you mean by "Accept misfortune as the human condition"?
Misfortune comes from having a body.
Without a body, how could there be misfortune?
Surrender yourself humbly;
then you can be trusted to care for all things.
Love the world as your own self;
then you can truly care for all things.

And, well, while much of this potential must comprise of hard work, I think that if we are astute, we can…should…see the ways that the universe (or god, or fate, or random chains of biochemical reactions) lets us find a hole in the fabric of 6.75 billion largely unexceptional experiences. I'm thinking here of weird moments we might not even be privy to, like when we're the only ones to get an 'A' on the paper, that sort of think. Where we have our unique insight reflected back at us favorably…and then the universe seems to lapse back to its usual ways and we question whether it even happened at all: bills, drudgery, social anxiety, being second-guessed by your online readership at all times…etc.

So, now I guess the closing thought should be some way to tie these 6.75 billion strangers together…maybe empathy, or kindness if you want, is the way to go. The thing is, I'm not even sure there is a way to get any of those 6.75 people together properly and civilly…it's nigh impossible to get two people in a "loving" relationship to do that in the long term. So maybe we don't KNOW that empathy will get us through and get our needs communicated on a field of mutual openess, but it seems like probably the safest bet when both parties come from completely different turf (even if they woke up next to you that morning)?

Thanks…as I said, I think about this stuff a lot, but we'll see how actually verbalizing it stands up…and yeah, I guess I do want to be recognized for the genius I really am. Come on…just a little?

It is very true that focusing on what you are not doing and what you might have done (not living up to your potential) is defeating and delusional. Your potential can never be calculated because the circumstances of life are ever changing–and so there is no fixed point defining our potential that any of us can dwell on. Our potential is more tied to being able to make the most of our changing circumstances–and this is a challenge for each moment–and not something that can be measured.

A better way to frame it is looking at life as an opportunity to learn and grow. Nobody is perfect, so instead of looking at the half-empty: "I am not living up to my potential," people should try to get in touch with the optimism that gets them out of bed.

Tom Hanks' character Tom Nolan in Cast Away states this quite well:

"I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. . . And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

I say don't measure your life with coffee spoons; but do live passionately, with an evolving potential that is guided by hope and an eagerness to grow and learn.

There are a lot of reasons to stay in bed besides not being able to face the day.

I like the message of being kind and having meaningful goals that fit in with who you are and what you want from your life.

I don't like the whole thing about getting out of bed. Could you be dealing with post-divorce depression? Please don't project it on to the rest of us. My life is filled with happiness. Sure, it's filled with other things as well but I have a fundamental base of happiness and contentment. I appreciate that not everyone is as lucky as I am but people should know that happiness is possible. There are plenty of people who live meaningful, satisfying and, yes, happy lives.

I don't think it would be helpful to anyone in a suicidal state to read your comment that you wonder why more of us don't kill ourselves. Comments like that could tip someone over the edge.

I disagree with the argument put forth in this post. You most certain CAN "live up to your potential" and conversely, not meet it. I am an example of someone who hasn't lived up to their potential, I recognize it and am now changing it because I desire to. I have always done well in school and on the job according to other people, but by my own account I know I can do much better. The problem is, excelling at school and at previous jobs was not something I wanted to do. It was something that happened to be the result of me being OBLIGATED to be in those environments. In my own mind, I was giving the bare minimum. To others, I was doing very well. Right now I have defined my career goals for myself and am working toward entrepreneurial goals. It's the hardest thing I've ever worked for in my life, and I feel myself being challenged every day. Success-wise I am not even close to "making it" yet. Personally, however, I am doing great, because I am now using my potential for something fulfilling to me.

As someone else said, you struck a chord with me as well–YOU ROCK, Penelope. And this is not from a twentysomething, but an overachieving-to-be-successful 40something who needs this validation.

I agree that any goal other than being kind is pointless. Situations change and crises happen, causing even the smartest goals and plans go in the crapper every day. But we can all control how we treat others. On many days, life being what it is, it DOES take everything we have just to be kind.

That's because "kind" is the OPPOSITE of "nice." Often the kindest thing to do–telling the truth, saying "no," letting someone work their own way out of trouble they got themselves into–is the hardest way for the kind person and not "nice" at all for the recipient of the kindness-or at least not at first. A truly kind person is not a patsy or a pushover. He or she takes the long view and seeks to encourage others rather than to comfort them inappropriately.

This is so true - especially how people don't always succeed in their careers because they never learned about being kind or don't have good social skills. I've had people comment on my "successes" and wonder how I "always did well in interviews" or whatever. I know why, I am positive, friendly, empathetic and I listen to the people talking. Simple stuff, but so many people are too self-centered to get it.

Sorry that your experiences with "living up to your potential" has negative experiences associated with it such as being weak, bitchy etc. - but don't castigate the phrase/cliche for the rest of us (and the truth is, you can't).

In the right context it is used by someone who knows you/I can deliver better than what we've delivered and call it out.

P, if the calling for all is only to be kind, then there would be no performance reviews, no performance plans, everyone would receive equal pay, there are no 1st place ribbons etc. No purpose for Tony Robbins or coaches (life, sports or otherwise)…

Sorry for all of you and your angst, but I guess you'll have to learn to be kind while smelling the rest of our BS.

"Reaching one's full potential" is a catch phrase used by teachers and therapists who support children with disabilities. Within that context, it means that a child with a disability has a certain set of limitations that impede that child from growing and achieving what other children would achieve.

In a magazine for parents of such children, called "Exceptional Parent," a mother writes "We must withhold judgments about our child's potential and spend our time learning and helping him discover who he is".

So, when I add this comment to Penelope's post and all the replies, I have more pieces to the puzzle that I am struggling with: What can my child achieve? Will he ever live independently?
Will engagement and connectedness and kindness and optimism be enough if he cannot make a living and live independently? Will society be kind to him, or will he be forgotten in a "group home" at some point?

Thanks to all who wrote about their self-reflection. My child will probably never self-reflect about this issue, never try to find meaning, or choose or interpret among the various meanings of "full potential". His unselfconsciousness is actually a beautiful thing. But his mother (me) does worry . . .

CAK

Greetings -
I came across your blog several times while researching Generation X blogs, links and content. I am on a quest for great 50 Gen X Bloggers from 50 States. I'm assuming you are from Boston and must add your great blog to my list. So, you now represent the State of Mass on my GenX Blog list. Thanks for all your advice and the nods to Generation X. We need it.

Having thought about this overnight (a good thing; it means I engaged with the post at a high level) I'm inclined to disagree.

People tend to stumble through life. They tend to go day to day, without stepping back and thinking about what kind of person they really want to be.

The concept of "potential" is a small call to take that step back and think about what kind of person you could be, if you weren't so busy being who you are.

It can be what makes you take stock and change all those things about your life that keep you from being who you want to be.

In my case, I spent years working in big offices in big organizations in big tall buildings. Not infrequently, I would remember the words of a Joni Mitchell song, "you could have been more - than a name on a door - in the 33rd floor - in the air."

After a while, the thought of being more - of potential, as it is - made me pretty much upend my life and have a go at being someone different.

Did I achieve my potential? Did I achieve superlativeness? Am I wonderful and full of cosmic energy? Not even close. All the same, I think I am a bit better off for having been pushed to try to be more what I dreamed of being.

I think we might be missing the point by concerning ourselves with the meaning of "nice" vs "kind." If we get walked on for being either nice or kind, then we probably don't quite have it yet.

I'm just guessing, but I think the author is trying to tell us that we shouldn't blame others, ourselves, or even our parents for our lack of success in the workplace. When we bad-mouth the inmates, we create enemies who reciprocate in kind (pardon my pun).

And while we should own our own mistakes (getting defensive in the workplace is never well received), we should do it with an attitude of trying to fix the problem and avoid its recurrence.

By taking proactive steps to improve every situation, they won't be talking about your potential. They will be trying to get you on their team. And if they aren't, by all means find a less dysfunctional employer and start enjoying your life.

I don't worry about people's unused potential, but I do worry about them (and myself) not using their strengths. So much capability wasted but … it's not possible to be 100% productive, effective, etc. … but first you have to be at peace with yourself …

Don't forget…
Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

very well written…. especially the second point about the world not being a race.

Penelope.. you are the best! :)

Best. Post. Ever. At least for me. I often beat myself up about not being in a 'more successful' place. (But I'm very nice, really! Always quite popular (though not with management)). Aha! AHA!… : )

Great post. It really got me to thinking because I was that kid who did great in school (mainly because my parents would have disowned me if I hadn't) but never developed great social skills. I am now taking the baby steps to overcoming that hurdle and wish I focused a little more on making friends rather than making straight A's.

I do think that we are all born with a purpose, but I too hate the idea that we are always racing for the proverbial fruit on a stick. At this point in my life, other than showing my kids how to treat others with respect, patience and tolerance, I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have posted before about the need to really slow down and enjoy my life. It is simply too short to spend worrying about living up to "my potential" which really is just another way to say someone else's expectations. Well said.

lol.. interesting observation that waking up in the morning is an optimistic decision.

love your sense of humor at chrisB's comments lol

There's this one guy who jumped off the San Francisco bridge and was one of the .5% who survived. He said that as soon as he jumped he had this clear revelation - that everything that was wrong in his life could be fixed except for what he had just done.

I think that's why more of us don't kill ourselves. It can all be fixed.

"When you stop looking at the world as a competition, then you can stop wondering why you’re not coming in first place."

Thanks for this post. Competition has replaced soulfulness; some of us born into competitive societies are never even aware that there is something else other than competition or one-upmanship. As a result, we cannot help but feel insecure and like a failure no matter what we do. If you run in that race, you just can't win.

I’ve been listening to the thread on this one, and have to add another thought or two.

At the far end of the ‘realising your potential’ scale, why not ask an Olympic medalist whether it was worth realising their potential? You can bet they’ll tell you how tough it’s been, how bloody hard they’ve worked and how many sacrifices they’ve made. But having watched a couple of medalists being interviewed, just look at how alive they are knowing they’ve nailed it.

Towards the other end of the scale, you’ve got the people who find getting out of bed each day to be an act of faith, which is probably the majority of people. Should they forget about the arbitrary, amorphous notion of living up to their potential?

No.

By all means forget about what the self-help industry has preached for too long, and I agree that life isn’t about competition and it isn’t about achieving goals, but without the idea of realising potential there’s a real lack of meaning, and it’s by engaging with the things that mean something that we step into whatever potential we have.

It takes guts, it can be bloody hard and sometimes it just plain sucks, but if we’re participating in what matters and what has meaning to us, then living up to your potential most certainly isn’t BS.

This is a very wise post, and it sounds like it comes from hard-earned, real life lessons learned. Good for you - if you, and we, let go of this delusional baloney we'll all be better off. Great post.

I was thinking about another piece of BS this weekend - the blanket prescription to "get outside of your comfort zone."

Great advice if getting out of a particular comfort zone is good for you, what you really want to do, gets you where you want to go, etc. (e.g., I want to be a doctor but am afraid to apply since no one in my family has ever gone beyond college - in that case, stretch and be happy).

Total flaming BS if the advice is to do this, simply to do this (I don't want to jump a motorcycle over a burning car, but gosh darn it, I've got to get out of my comfort zone).

More flaming BS is "YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CAREER PLAN" if said by a controlling person not involved in your career… Enough said (warning, warning, invasive control freak on the loose….).

Rules are for the small minded, and these pieces of advice are the kind of things that our parents used to tell us when they didn't have any solid advice to give, but knew that they "should" be pushing us around and these seemed like easy, obvious statements.

Raw and honest. I love it. When I think back about people who are no longer in my life, I don't think about how beautiful and accomplished they were. I think about how kind they were. Because ultimately, my perception of the world revolves around me, and colors my interaction with everyone else.
So, if you want to leave a lasting impression on someone else - be kind… or be mean. They'll remember that.

And the part about why more people don't kill themselves reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
"It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

I also appreciate Chris's addition of of how "living up to potential" is used with kids with disabilities - the use of the concept there makes some sense.

But with developmentally normal kids, "you better live up to your potential" from family invariably means "you better expletive expletive be a doctor or lawyer, expletive, 'cause I didn't bring you into this world to waste your life being an expletive [teacher, minister, writer, add any title that isn't all about the $$$$ and status]." From teachers it just means "don't give me any problems, kid."

I like this post very much and agree with it. I just have one question:

Who are you and what have you done with Penelope Trunk???

Thanks for the thoughtful post, Penelope. A great way to start the week.

A pretty good post with a positive message, and it does make me feel a little better about myself however,

Regarding…

It’s no coincidence that everyone who is walking around bitching that they are not living up to their potential is talking about how they should be more successful at work. Because “living up to potential” is really just code for “not being recognized as the talented genius that I am.”

So many people judge themselves by the job they have or the money they make or the car they drive or the 6000 sq ft house overlooking the peasants of the city. For those people, this post is wonderful advice and totally applies.

That being said, some of us have fell victim to grading ourselves that way and only recently realize that career success and income is nowhere close to what potential really is. I'm 41 now and if I graded myself by what I have accomplished in Business and in possessions, all while be respectful and kind, I would say "I actually have lived up to my potential." But what is it that I really wanted in life? Was it to have all these things, live in the burbs in a big house, hold a respectful position in a large corporation?

No, I have not lived up to my potential because I didn't follow my dream of earning a living making music. Music was a risky challenge and if I didn't make it big, I would have been a struggling artist trying to make ends meet. Here's the sad but true fact. I have more respect for that person that tried their dream and continue to make a living doing what they absolutely love then a person (sadly myself included) that chose the easy route of business and corporate America. Yes I said it, that's the easy route, if you can't make it in corporate America you are Stupid and/or Lazy (no offense). You CAN do what you love for a living, but you need to decide just how important "Things" are to you.

I'm not "bitching that I am not living up to my potential" but I am willing to admit it.

Wow - based on most of the comments so far, I'm very much in the minority, but I'm going to say that I totally disagree with you.

"First of all, getting up in the morning is very hard. It is fundamentally an act of optimism. Because surely you have already realized that most days are not full of happiness."

If your life is like this, then you are doing something wrong. You've been saying all this BS about how GenX, GenY, Gen XYZ, etc. are taking cahrge of their lifes and making meaningful choices, instead of being stuck as a 9-5 drone, and how all of that is making their lifes wonderful. Seems to me that this directly contradicts today's posting. Personally, I think the various generation labels are mostly BS, but that's a different discussion. PT, you of all people, ought to be living a very satisfied life. You are practicing what you preach, aren't you? How is it that your days aren't filled with happiness then?

On a personal level, I can agree with the importance of being kind. But for me it was as simple as this: I asked myself one day what I would like people to remember about me when I'm gone, and the answer was that I want them to remember someone who was truly kind, and who touched their lives with kindness. I try to keep that goal before me always. It's amazing how it melts anger sometimes!

Ahh, Penelope, you've been watching the Olympics and the beach volleyball, haven't you? It's ok that you moved on…forgive yourself. Forgiveness is letting go of the wish for a better Past.

God, I love this post. I disagree with much, maybe most, of PT's advice but this is wise and dead-on accurate.

Once, when I was still drinking the 'A student good child' Kool Aid I made myself miserable because I worried that I wasn't living up to my potential - I was not simultaneously a senator, CEO and millionaire. Never mind that what I excel at and love have nothing to do with those… what are feelings but things that we stomp on anyway? I still remember calling my parents from work one night at 8 pm, crying and begging them to forgive me and love me "despite" my failures (my failure of not being a senator, CEO and millionaire at 31).

F___ living up to your potential. That's a "make a lot of cash to impress the Jonses and your relatives" motivation. He who dies after closing the most M&A acquisitions - dies after closing the most acquisition. Da dum dum, the end. Not so impressive any more, is it?

Excel at who and what you are. Being kind is a nice start. Conforming is a tripwire.

Okay, some good points here. But let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, shall we? (Because then all you have is a wet, badly injured baby.)

While "living up to your potential" is sometimes over-rated or used abusively, it's NOT total BS. It's a good concept frequently misused.

When I review my son's homeschool assignments and say, "Son, you can do better work than this. You are not living up to your potential" it's because we BOTH know that he was goofing off, distracted, unfocused, or unengaged with his homework, so he's made sloppy, careless mistakes. (We both know that he knows that 3x+2x=5x, not 6x, or that "exaggerated" has two Gs in it, for example.) When used in this way, "not living up to your potential" is a warning that means, "we both know you can do better, and I expect you to focus more on your work."

That does not negate the fact that there are abusive bosses out there who will use that phrase to scare the bejeebers out of a less-than-assertive employee, so that the employer can squeeze more and more work out of an increasingly overwhelmed, burnt out employee. I've had a few of those. And it was a wonderful feeling to LEAVE.

As for being kind, sometimes it works, sometimes not. Sometimes you have to throw kind out the window and be hard as nails mean. But not nearly as often as some people think. "Nice" will almost always get you trod on by people who take advantage. "Kind" knows when to pull off the velvet gloves and start using some iron fist.

@MJ "Once, when I was still drinking the ‘A student good child’ Kool Aid I made myself miserable because I worried that I wasn’t living up to my potential - I was not simultaneously a senator, CEO and millionaire."

I think you are making the same sort of mistake as those commentors who equated being nice with being a pushover. Maybe folks just need to redefine what their potential is. MJ, I think you said it very well when you said "Excel at who and what you are. Being kind is a nice start." That's certainly closer to my definition of "potential". Am I doing something that makes a difference to somebody, somewhere? Am I doing the best that I can within my limits? If I'm not, then I'm not living up to my potential. It's up to me to define what I consier to be success. My definition doesn't include things like CEO, senator or millionaire. I think I could have been any or all of those had those goals been important to me, but they weren't. I've seen and done things that are important to me, and that is success - for me. The replicant in the movie BladeRunner said "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate." I can't claim the same, but I can certainly understand the sentiment.

This phrase of "living up to ones potential" doesn't even make sense from the grammatical. It gives me no additional insight about myself, nor the world around me. In science, we learn the concepts of potential & kinetic energy. (The rock sitting on the top of the hill represents potential energy) It has great potential to roll fast down the hill, thereby reaching its kinetic state. However, unless a force pushes it, it will never reach it's kinetic state. Humans are much like the rock on top of the hill. We sit and wait for a force to move us, to motivate us. The people who move and shake this world don't wait. They spend time on creating kinetic situations. They seem characteristically impatient, busy and, full of more ideas than they know what to do with. I appreciate people like this. We should all concentrate more on "living in our own kinetic state" rather than constantly examining the endless variety of potentials. Good post Penelope ! Jim B

Well said! I am one of those "nice" people who is a serious underachiever and not living up to my potential. I have an inability to say no to a project even though I'm already stressed out beyone comprenhension trying to keep my head above water and make a buck for the company. So all I'm really accomplishing "up to my potential" is being stressed out and shorting my clients who deserve better. I am working on saying "no" nicely to get myself out of this mess but it's tough if it goes against everything you were ever taught. Rock on sister!

Gotta disagree with you on this one. I'm going to go out on a limb and defend the Jim's of the world (top of post string) — being kind is a good way to live, but don't expect to be recognized and/or not be taken advantage of when you are kind at work.

A *lot* of people here are splitting hairs on the definitions of Nice vs. Kind. I don't think the verbiage makes any difference. What I think stops many people from feeling that they are doing something worthy of their talents is the inability to stand up for themselves and ask for