Thank you for being honest. Women of my generation - I’m 26 - owe you the immeasurable value of foresight. Maybe you lost out on some cash, you’re giving this big, free lump sum of wisdom to so many.

I’m so glad you are saying this. Social support is a massive, massive part of preventing PPD and no one ever mentions it.

I am stunned by your breathtaking candor.
Thank you.
Maureen

Penelope, people may call you a lot of different things, but they can never call you a coward.

We have all had our dark moments and I admire the strength it takes to be so open about your humanity.

“And, my agent told me that there was no way I could promote the book when I was 40 pounds overweight.” This is why I would never make it in the public eye. To me, I like you for what you write, how you think and how you present your ideas. Sorry - that comment really bothered me. At any rate, thanks for the honest post. Your brute truth tactic is humbling and chilling all at the same time. Thanks for sharing!

Wow. You’re incredible.

Thanks for sharing, Penelope.

You had to take the baby everywhere with you? And then you had to hire someone so that you could avoid being alone with the baby? It sounds like your husband was not taking on enough of the child rearing himself. It is possible to take an infant along while driving another child to school.

I’m 7 months pregnant and Canadian. Why do those 2 ideas go together? Because Canadian mothers get 12 months of maternity leave.

Thanks to my employer’s benefits policy, I’ll get 100% of my salary for 6 weeks, 75% of my salary for another 11 weeks, and then government support thereafter. And my employer isn’t an outlier - this is standard corporate practice. Most government employees get 100% of their salary for the entire 12 months.

I have to wonder if PPD incidence is lower north of the border. Given how common it is here to breastfeed for 6-12 months, I would imagine that the difference is significant.

Hi Penelope -

I have no children and do not plan on having any for quite sometime now. But I did want to tell you that I think this is one of the most important things you have ever written and I think it will help a lot of women.

I know I will keep this post in the back of my mind and remember to send it to women I know who may need a little help.

I too went through an awful/scary PPD…thank you for sharing Penelope.

Penelope, Jay sent me a link to your post today. (not that you’re not on my NetVibes page, but he knows I don’t check that everyday)

As someone who dealt with very mild PPD, I can’t express how much I applaud your honesty! This is what our society needs…to talk about it and acknowledge it….to be aware that it is invading homes across America. As women, I find it imperative that we support one another in a way that hasn’t really been taught to my generation, IMO.

Stabbing yourself in the head and not really remembering why you did it, or that you actually did it, sounds more like post-partum psychosis than depression.

It’s very rare, but very dangerous. I can see why the doctors wanted to keep you longer for observation.

I’m happy to hear that you pulled through and are doing better.

Our son, our only child, just turned one about a month ago. My wife stays at home and often I’d come home from work and find her in tears. She felt very uncomfortable and sad and alone and scared and angry.

Being new parents, we just thought she had a touch of the baby blues.

It wasn’t until nine months after the baby with the same symptoms that we realized she was probably dealing with post-partum depression, so we did what everyone should do in such a case:

We moved to Wisconsin.

Hi Penelope down south. Hope you’re enjoying the big snowstorms normally reserved for those of us way up nort’.

We’re near the border of Michigan’s upper peninsula.

I’m new to your blog since Yahoo let you go (what a mess they have to deal with now), but have enjoyed it immensely so far.

I’m glad I stumbled upon it.

Wow, thanks for sharing that. I have a friend who was suffering similarly after her first baby. She had no idea what was happening to her. A neighbor came over one day and said, just from looking at her “call your doctor now, you are having postpartum depression and you need help”.

She called her (male) doctor. His prescription: “tonight when your husband gets home from work, you hand him the baby and pour yourself a nice glass of chardonnay and go take a bubble bath.”

Can you believe–this from the medical profession!

I have always appreciated your honesty in saying things most people don’t like or want to hear. Now, appreciation has turned to admiration. Your experience gets to benefit others now. What a gift.

Penelope,
Thank you for your raw, heartfelt, heart breaking honesty. It was incredible to see what you went through…I can’t even imagine. I have a 10-month-old and work part-time but I have help in the mornings everyday. Until I had my baby, I had no idea how important it is to have support. It’s important as you move through pregnancy and SO important after. Mom’s need the support of one another and loved ones.

My heart aches for all that you went through. You are an inspiration and it is my hope that from here on in you always reach out for support. Whether we have children or not, we NEED support and lots of encouragement and love in this lifetime.
Thank you for the gift of your truth. I think this post should be everywhere!

Depression of all kinds is still highly misunderstood. First no one believed it was real. Then it became over-diagnosed and over-medicated. This has taken us right back to where we started. The people who genuinely suffer from depression are marginalized by the scores of people that have been diagnosed. The people who need the actual help and support are not getting it because everyone is on anti-depressants so therefore think they understand.
Thank you for being open about your struggle.

I realize this advice may seem trite, but it worked for me. When I had post partum blues I took lots of vitamins. I took a B vitamin that had at least 25 mgs of all the B vitamins. It worked. I continued taking a multivitamin at least 3 times a day since then. It can make a difference in the way you feel.

Never commented on an article in my life, but felt compelled because of your courage.
Thank you for bravely sharing this.

I certainly remember you during those days and how you struggled to hold it together since everyone in your family was depending on you. Even though you were going crazy, you still seemed strong. Your will and determination to get help and get through it was impressive.

Work was actually a haven for me during the tail end of my PPD.

My own PPD happened after my first child was born in August 2001. I suspected within weeks that I had PPD for a number of reasons, but by this time, it was after 9/11 and everyone was depressed. I would think, “what right do I have to be depressed when so many people around me have lost loved ones?” My midwife told me I didn’t have PPD. I also wound up in the emergency room of some hospital and was told the most they could do was either take away my baby (so nice they told me that!) or sign me up for therapy–but there was a waiting list of 2 months. Great–I’ll be happy to live for 2 months trying to not hurt myself or my baby. I told the doctor, “why can’t you help me?” and she said, “I am helping you. I’m going to put your name down on the waiting list.”

I made the decision to go back to work while I was PPD because I had to get away from the baby. I went back when he was 4 months, and by that time I finally found a therapist who could treat me and I had started taking a sleep aid. Thank God, because I’d lay awake at night watching the shadows move on the wall–after 12 weeks of doing that, the shadows started signaling to me. Fortunately, the sleep aid kicked in before I figured out what the shadows were telling me to do. What cured me was some medication, sleep training for the baby, sleep for myself, a fantastic babysitter, and work in an office. The main problem with PPD is you are so exhausted and out of your mind, that it is hard to find the help you need. I felt that there was no therapist for me (and this is NYC, psychotherapist heaven.)

The best thing you can do, people expecting a baby, is do some research on what treatment is available in your city before the baby is born. Once PPD hits, you have so little reserve to get the help you need.

Wow - this is honesty! What is clear to me is that our health care system is great in some ways and absolutely horrible in other ways. Recent surveys have shown we are not getting the best care - other countries have far better systems than we do. It’s hard to believe and scary that there are still doctors who don’t believe PPD is a big issue! I try not to play the woman’s card, but it is a “woman’s” problem and frankly, that means a lot of people still think this stuff is “all in our heads.” I would really like to believe that is not true, but it is. I hope more woman speaking out about this helps to turn this opinion around.

My, my… what a coincidence. I resume therapy today for my depression and you post anecdotes of just how bad it can get.

Thanks. I’m still about 3 years away from being able to start my own family but I think this advice will stick in my mind. Given my psychological history, there’s no way that I’ll be able to avoid PPD. (I also understand how easy it is to convince other people–including significant others–that you’re fine when you’re really going batshit insane.)

What a great post and thank you for your honesty in writing about this. I have been suffering on and off from regular depression for a number of years and have an appointment scheduled with my doctor (this winter has brought it back on hard and fast).

It takes great courage to write about PPD and what you went through. Thanks for sharing.

It’s been nearly 29 years since I was a new mother, but I remember how scary it was — and not good “aren’t we having a great adventure” scary, but “can we all get out of this alive” scary.
Thanks for turning the spotlight on a real problem.

It’s very brave to share all that. And people like you who tell it like it is make it easier, I think, for others to feel like they’re not completely crazy and alone in this.

When I’m pregnant, I’m going to try to make plans for this beforehand. Because I know I’m high-risk, since I’ve been fighting with depression for years. And even though I’ve been doing a lot better, I know hormonal balances could get thrown off and make it much worse.

I’m not quite ready for kids yet anyway, but PPD is another reason that I’m scared to have them.

Thank you so much for your honesty. It’s a sad truth that America is hugely behind the rest of the world when it comes to maternity leave. I think your story is an important one.

Thank you for having the courage to be so brutally honest.

FWIW, living in Canada would not help with the maternity leave situation. Penelope is self-employed and would thus not get mat leave. I am on my second time around with no mat leave. As a result, I was checking emails and back to work very quickly…while my friends had a year off. However, I work from home, so at least I’m with my kids most of the time.

I am a single mom and fortunately did not suffer from PPD, but from reading your post, and the comments from others who have, I can only imagine how hard a situation that would have been. Thanks for your post. I hope it will make people more aware and we will pay attention to friends and co-workers who may be suffering.

Where were your parents during all of this? I’m not of the opinion that people are entitled to use their family as surrogate babysitters, but when you need help, they ought to be willing to lend a hand. If they are really rich, as you previously mentioned, then maybe they could help out by offering you some sort of financial cushion, or help with therapy.

Hi. This comment is actually to clarify someone else’s earlier comment (#8, Tamara Paton). Canada is NOT the land of 12 months paid maternity leave; Tamara makes it sound like all Canadian women automatically get 12 months of (mostly) paid maternity leave. This is simply not true. Tamara must have a fantastic job; many Canadian women do not.

According to the Human Resources and Social Development Canada (government) website:
http://www.hrsdc.gc.ca/en/lp/lo/lswe/ls/publications/5.shtml

“The Code provides for up to 17 weeks of maternity leave. In addition, an employee who assumes actual care of a newborn or newly adopted child is entitled to parental leave of up to 37 weeks. However, the total duration of the maternity and the parental leaves must not exceed 52 weeks.”

Note that the 17 week max is UNPAID maternity leave - it is up to the employer to decide how much to give, and it varies. Widely.

Touching post. You also offer a good reason to get one’s personal finances in order before having a baby. Having a healthy mom is more valuable to your baby than a $1000 crib, etc.

***

I also wonder whether men can suffer from some sort of postpartum depression — from trying to do too much (keep up with — or boost — their job/career, help their wife and child, and deal with any other life stresses).

ooops — I hope I didn’t imply that I thought you, penelope, had mis-managed your finances. You obviously had the credit situation that allowed for borrowing to hire help. My comment was because I’ve known people who bought a new car, bought expensive baby furniture, and other items beyond their means and then really struggled when other needs for money came up after baby was born(like for help with baby and household chores when mum needed a longer physical recovery from childbirth than expected), putting stress on the marriage and family.

French Panic - I’m in Canada, on Maternity leave, and I get 52 weeks *paid* through the government EI (Employment Insurance) system. 17 weeks for giving birth and another 37 that I’m taking (but my husband could take part of it instead if he wanted to do so).

The government component is really “partially paid” and is up to 55% of your income up to $40K. It maxes out at about $1500 / month (even if you make more than $40K).

NOTE: You have to have worked a certain number of hours as an employee in the months leading up to your mat leave. If you’re self-employed and don’t pay into the EI system, you don’t qualify for maternity or parental leave.

Some employers and unions top up the mat leave pay. Mine does to a small degree.

Penelope - I have one 3yr old and another on the way. If I’d known about the trouble you were having I’d have passed on a grizzly old captains hug to you and shared me bottle of rum - but that’s not good for breastfeeding or doable (yet) over the net.

Yours is my number one blog and this is another great post of yours. Parenting is not easy and you did the right thing getting help - usually the ones that don’t are the ones you read about.

Good luck with your kids and family mate.
The Captain

Me again (sorry) - to clarify: all Canadian women who work as employees full time are entitled to 52 weeks partially paid maternity and parental leave.

__That’s 12 months, French Panic.__ (see her inaccurate comment ~ 4 posts up)

Your employer is also legally required to hold your job for you (or pay severance, the same as if your job became redundant while you were working there). I believe in your absence you could be re-assigned to a different job, but it must be at the same rank and pay (or higher).

The Mat leave check comes from the government, doesn’t matter who your employer is.

Some employers are of course more supportive, offering top ups, and some flexibility in re-entering the workforce.

French Panic: as others have noted, you get paid mat leave. If you scroll down in the doc you linked to, you’ll see it’s “One two week waiting period* plus 15 weeks of maternity benefits plus 35 weeks of parental benefits for 52 weeks in total.”

To me, it seems men know about all this after all.

At home they pretend they do not, and leave the wife to it all, so they do not have to do much at all.

But at work, this - along with the paid leave and the guarantee to hold jobs etc - is why women of child-bearing years get asked oblique questions about their husbands’ jobs and their maternal status.

As a woman passionate about “having it all” - I went into labor on the way to a business meeting and closed a deal waiting in the OR prep (emergency c-section) - I can relate.

And, I say THANK YOU for helping others by sharing your experiences. I wish I were as brilliant at making it all sound so eloquent. Bravo, as usual, Penelope.

Thank you for this painfully honest post, Penelope. I’m a psychotherapist who treats women with PPD, as well as a mom myself. So many moms sit in my office talking about how “all the other moms” look like they have it all, are so perfect, are wearing makeup, have shaved their legs, etc. When really, that well-put together looking mom is dying inside.

Honesty like yours helps so many women. Thank you!

I read this column a lot and enjoy it but this is the first time I have been moved to post.

I am an Australian and I honestly cannot work out what you guys think you’re doing over there in the US. Here we have legislation that provides for compulsory paid maternity leave of varying amounts, I get 12 weeks of full pay. We also have government family and child support payments for those who need them.

We also have government funded childcare and laws which protect women from discrimination and protect their rights to flexible working hours upon return from maternity leave. It is almost unheard of down here (and frowned upon) for anyone to go back to work until at least six months after the baby is born.

I’m shocked you were so unsupported, but I agree with the other posters that your honesty will probably help a lot of people.

Thank you for your honesty! Having supported my sister through depression for 3 miscarriages it was of no surprise to me that once she finally had her daughter she soon developed PPD. What did surprise me was the lack of support she received. People were very understanding at her depression following miscarriage, but could not understand what she would have to be depressed about after finally succeeding. She had her baby - she should be over the moon and should “pull her socks up and get on with it”. Worryingly that quote came from a woman who had also suffered with PPD and had wanted to throw her child out of the top floor window of their house. This comment could’ve been said because that is what she was told to do by an older generation, but we will never have understanding without talking. I hope your article is a stepping stone towards it.

At first I thought I didn’t have anything to add to this conversation. Then after a fruitful exchange over at Tiffany Monhollon’s blog, I came back to this post and gave it some thought.

Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks;

Pen, not only have you recently blogged about how to be more interesting to other people, but you have just practised what you preached (in this very post), and proven that it works.

By being open about your struggles, you have burst open a flood-gate of conversation. I bet your bravery will help women in similar circumstances too.

This young, unmarried male, with little knowledge of postpartum depression (up until now anyway), is impressed.

You are at your best when you are starkly honest with yourself, and with your audience. And it is pretty damned good.

Oh my god. What a nightmare.

Penelope, another fantastic post.

The idea of PPD is so foreign to men that I think couples need to plan for worst case PPD, and execute the plan whether there is a crisis or not. As a father, I assumed that my wife would switch into ‘Mom’ mode and that everything: the lack of sleep, adult interaction, and physical demands of early motherhood were natural. A bad assumpion.

Regardless of what previous generations will say, or your images of a perfect parent, PPD is here to stay, it is real and it happens to almost everyone in some form. Parents (especially men) need to accept it, plan for it, and remind themselves constantly that they are doing their children a service by dealing with the reality up front.

No to sound too sexist, but as a father and husband, and the one without the massive hormone changes, it is our responsibility to care for mommy and see to it that she makes it to the baby’s second birthday without a doctor’s note.

This made me weep. Very brave, very important column. I hope it’s part of a bigger article for a big magazine so that even more people will think about PPD and maybe push to make some changes that will help mothers.

Good for you.

But you’re not merely a ‘working mom’. You are the sole EVERYTHING of your own business. Maybe we only get one side of you here, but it sounds like your work is more important to you than ANYTHING else in your world, and that really is backwards.

Thank you.

What a breathtakingly honest post. I am so sorry that you had to go through such a tough depression while working and supporting your family. Thank you for your honesty.

If you are pregnant and reading this, make sure you and your spouse (significant other, etc.) are fully aware of the symptoms of post partum depression. That way if you begin to show signs you can get help immediately. Also, be prepared to get help if your spouse or someone close to you suggests it. Sometimes you can be so caught up in the struggle that you do not realize you need help. It is certainly not a sign of weakness to get help.

Thanks again, Penelope!

Penelope, I LOVE your blog. And this article is by far the most honest and heartfelt piece yet. Thank you.

Once again, Penelope, hats off to you. What a wonderful, frightening and insightful post. As an earlier commenter said, this post is “breathtaking in its candor.”

I’m very glad I read you, and link to you often.

Penelope,
I don’t usually comment on blogs, but this is an amazing post. As someone who is currently struggling with depression, I am very thankful that you’ve been able to be so honest about your experience, that you’re bringing PPD into the public eye.

Keep up the great work!

Everyone, please be aware that PP can rear its head more than a year after the birth of a child.

Penelope,
This is one of those posts where I simply marvel at your courage and transparency. The way you use your experiences to add value to the lives of your readers is truly inspirational. I’ve already had several “real life” conversations with people about this post, about you writing it, and about the subject you mention. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles so openly and honestly.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is too easy for people who are not mothers to summarize and rationalize everything into a neat package when the reality is that life is messy.

My wife developed postpartum anxiety that we believe was triggered by a medication, Reglan, that was “prescribed” by a “lactation consultant” to increase her milk supply to make breast feeding successful. This is a side effect that has been documented, but we didn’t know about it until my wife was having panic attacks and we sat in the emergency room with our new baby waiting to see a doctor.

We did have a support system…but it wasn’t OUR support system. It was people who had an agenda to force breastfeeding on us even as our baby lost 10% of her birth weight and cried constantly because she was starving. Well, we said we wanted to do it…they were trying to help…it is all a blur now. The point is that all of this is a very irrational, stressful time for everyone.

There is a reason why in older cultures (like India, where I am from) have a whole process for the mom before & after birth. There is family around to hold the baby, the new mom is given a rich diet & a massuese (sp?) is brought in for frequent massages. I had never heard of PPD in India. Maybe it existed, but probably for the women who had no family around them for some reason. A new mom needs support, no question.

Thank God for you and your courage to write this! It’s all so true for so many of us, and no one mentions it! My burden is similar, and it is so very very hard to carry. Thank you.

Thank you for your bravery & candor. This issue is coming more & more into the light & the need for immediate (father) & extended (parents/siblings/aunts etc.) family support, good nutrition & preapring financially have all made me more aware of how to plan for my own future family. Thanks for the great post & to all who shared their experiences & what worked for them.
I realize I am not aware of your personal situation, but I want to kick your hubby in the pants for not working & then making you responsible for everything. What’s up with that??

Hi all,
I had PPD with both of my children. The first I did not recognize the second was soon after. The doctor asked me if I thought I had PPD and of course I said no! I said that I hated my husband and just wanted to run away from my life. So she said she understood and felt the same way. Hmmmmm…..I was fortunate to have a supervisor who encouraged me to get counseling, call me if I did not get to work on time and give me those hugs with support. For me it was just a thought that never left my brain “run away” “run away”. They are better with out me.
AFter some counseling and medication I felt like a new person but it was over a year later. That was such a dark year of my life, the void, the hate, the pressure in my chest like someone was sitting on it and the TEARS!!!!!
Thank you Penelope and all the woman who are not afraid to talk about it. I am not weak for having PPD (as my mother thinks by saying “do you really need to take that medication?”) I am smart for not denying it.
I see a post that talks about your husband’s supposed poor decision but things happen so fast and without even realizing what is going on. With a child who has a disability one parent needs to have more involvement and at the time it needed to be your husband. It was a joint decision, so you can’t be too upset with what happened.
GREAT POST!!!!!!!

Penelope,

My hat is off to you in being willing to be vulnerable and talk about more than just the post-partum depression label. It isn’t just “I’ve got post-partum depression.” Its more like - “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt my child and not even be able to control it.” Resources should be available for women to help them deal with this problem regardless of their ability to pay…and those resources need to be more than medication. I was there too and it is a scary, scary place.

Thank you for your honesty! When I had my first son, his father had left when I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was the only breadwinner for us as I did not pursue childsupport. I, like you, felt if I did not work we would starve to death. I was alone all day during my maternity leave with him and he was a handful. I was so stressed about everything I can remember commenting that I understood why some animals eat their young. Thank you again!

Way to go, Penelope! Very courageous, moving and invaluable post. This passion and honesty sets you apart from the crowd. Cheers!

New Mom of a 3 month old here….
I did not have PPD, but I certainly had no idea of the typical new mom roller coaster mental state during the 1st month after birth…NO one told me or prepared me for that. I had an 11 week maternity leave and I really don’t know how anyone could go with any less. You mentally & physically need the time to recover (and to lose the weight to fit into your work clothes!)

Now that I am through that, I am now dealing with learning to balance work, baby, husband & household management. Like I have gathered from your previous posts, my experience is that its usually the husband that comes last in that game.

Thank you for posting this. I’m an introverted, low-key person who likes to do things on my own. Your candor turns these advice bullet points from things I should do into things I will do. I know without a doubt that I am going to surround myself with support when and if I do become pregnant.

This:
“The biggest thing, in hindsight, that I thought I could handle, was being a working mom with no support system. No one can do that and stay sane.”
is why we probably won’t be having a 2nd child. We live in Madison (hi!), my husband is a SAHD/WAHD, we have family on both the east and west coasts. We had no idea how hard it would be to have a small child w/ no family around. I’d love to have a second, but my husband doesn’t even want to discuss it.

What’s discussed even more seldom than ppd is depression in pregancy. I went on prozac at 31 weeks b/c I was having massive anxiety attacks and insomnia. I’d hate to think what I would’ve been like post-partum if I hadn’t had that going on for me.

And more advice: don’t decide you’re “fine” and go off your zoloft (or whatever) w/o advice of your dr. a year later, when your workplace is in upheaval, your child is going through a massively clingy phase, your husband is also depressed, and you can only see more change in sight.

Just sayin.

Welcome (belatedly) to Madison. I love all your posts–work, generational, personal, etc. Drop me a line if you want to discuss the difficulty of SAHDs (and their wives) sometime.

Twenty-five years ago my husband was working for an American company doing business in W. Germany. We arrived in January. In a small town located in the Black Forest, we had our first baby in April. We moved to Munich in June. We lived in a high-rise hotel on the 20th floor. I remember having to force myself to take walks up and down the loooong hall to keep from throwing him over the balcony. My husband did not believe in what I called post-partum depression. Years later, he now realizes how fragile our situation was and the danger both our son and I were in. We stayed for 18 months. I think that I still suffer the effects of PPD. I have apologized to my sons (the second arrived 5 years after the first) on numerous occasions. I still feel badly for the way that I was emotionally absent. I tried to function normally but I didn’t always hit the mark. I’m hoping for a second chance someday with grandchildren.

I too would like to thank you for displaying your vulnerability, your humanness. It is so very rare for people these days to admit that they’re not perfect, and that NO ONE has it all together or all figured out.

I feel so fortunate that this issue has been brought to light, so that when the time comes that I do have a child, I can be prepared. Knowledge is power, and I thank you for providing your own personal knowledge on this very real issue.

God bless, and may your Valentine’s Day be filled with much love and friendship.

Ginny

@ SA:

” I had never heard of PPD in India. Maybe it existed, but probably for the women who had no family around them for some reason.”

Either this is a breathtakingly naive view, or your life has been blissfully sheltered.

The truth in India about PPD is that like many things related to women, it is swept under the carpet. The ‘tradition’ you mention - of giving a new mother splendid isolation and care for 40 days - is from my grandmother’s days, not from any time more recent.

Lets be realistic about life. A woman with PPD in India is already rolling chapatis or nowadays, back at work.

Amazing post. I think every parent has had the experience where their kids stretched them to the breaking point. To handle the situation without a safety net is incredibly difficult, and I’m glad you made it through.

Thank you so much for talking about this. I have yet to meet a new mother who didn’t suffer from some kind of PPD - from something mild to something more like your episode with the knife. I think it’s a symptom of strange societal pressures and expectations. There is something flawed about the idea that a woman should be able to give birth, and then just get up and go back to work without a whole team of people behind her (and, if she’s lucky, her spouse). No one can do that! No one can stay sane through that. We deserve better.

Thanks for making more people aware of this. I too suffered the same thing with my second child. At my 6 week Dr. follow-up after birth, I told my (mother of 3) OB/GYN I had these feelings of hurting myself and/or kids very frequently. She brushed it off as “all new mothers go thru this…deal with it”. Well, it kept getting worse and that’s exactly when Andrea Yates hit the news in June of 2001. I sympathized with her, knowing I could do the same thing. I had to hit up 2 more doctors until I found one to help me. Prozac did wonders for a year until my brain chemicals were back to “normal” (whatever that is) and I didn’t need meds any more.

Thank you so much for speaking out about the need for having support when you have young children. I was living in Alaska without any friends, an unemployed husband and no money. It was terrifying. My baby wouldn’t quit screaming and there was no one to help me figure out what was the matter — the doctor just said that is what babies do and when I joined a mom/baby support group, they just seemed so “together” and gave me the great advice to “just hang in there.” Well, how long can someone hang in there without getting any decent sleep, especially when you have to be at work at 8:00 am?
Congratulations to all you dads and other family/friends who take your loved ones’ feelings seriously and help her get the help she needs.
Penelope, You are awesome!

Penelope,
This is one of the most courageous and authentic essays I have read in quite a while. As I man, I can never understand the depth and breadth of pain you felt. After reading your heartfelt and gripping commentary, I do feel better able to identify with these types of emotions.

I have always admired your “Brazen” style of writing and commentary; even though I disagree with your positions occasionally, I have never waivered on the fact that you are willing to open yourself up to incredible scrutiny and second-guessing. This posting confirms those convictions you embrace and share with so much clarity and insight.

Thank you

Thank you for having the courage to write your piece with such raw honesty and clarity. I’m sure it wasn’t easy but it helps to alleviate the stigma of not only having mental health issues but talking about it as well.

Penelope, thank you for sharing your story. I love how you so often tell things as they are and not as they are “supposed” to be. In doing that, you really empower me and other readers to see the truth and at least attempt to be sane. Thank you very much.

I also had a question for some of the non-US people talking about how crappy how health care system is (and it is). Would these benefits of paid leave also pertain to a freelancer? Can you get your own health insurance from the government or other entity if you are self-employed?

Although I don’t think there’s any one culture or country that has come close to perfecting parenting–and particularly helping mothers–I do think there’s something to be said about the death of the extended family for many in the US and other western cultures that SA was sort of bringing up. I was raised by my grandparents as much as by my mother (father was mostly useless). My friend is studying for a grueling medical exam now, doesn’t work, has a 3 year old, and is only able to handle this because she lives with her family so her parents and sister care for her son. I cannot imagine having kids, especially with my own history of depression, and not having family there to help for free. I know I wouldn’t be able to deal.

@ Joselle:

“Would these benefits of paid leave also pertain to a freelancer? Can you get your own health insurance from the government or other entity if you are self-employed?”

A fixed salary during maternity leave does not apply to freelancers in the UK. However there are many cash perks from the moment of childbirth including childcare vouchers and tax benefits that freelancers can also benefit from. And of course, at least in theory we have a free-at-the-point-of-delivery (service, not baby delivery) and universal access healthcare system. Although midwifery services etc vary hugely across NHS trusts, by and large the care - considering it is free - is very good. No large medical bills, in other words, and plenty of support.

When my daughter had her daughter in September, one of the care nurses said to her, when she was being released, “Now if you think of hurting yourself or the baby in the coming weeks or months, tell someone. It’s normal to have those feelings.”

I was so relieved to hear those words.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. Bravo to you! I would welcome you to share even more of it as a guest author at Postpartum Progress, the most widely read blog in the US on postpartum depression. Even more women could benefit from your experience and wisdom. I also was working — I had a corporate marketing job while suffering from postpartum OCD. I would go to the office and stare at my computer screen. I still don’t know how I managed to get a promotion while going through it — obviously no one was paying attention to the fact that I was getting absolutely nothing done. The issue of extending leave for women with PPD is a big one, and recently a woman from Revlon filed a lawsuit against her employer for firing her after she attempted to extend her leave due to PPD. I hope you’ll continue to speak out, and to consider writing your story for Postpartum Progress.

I had PPD with my first child and felt like a freak of nature. More people need to come forward and share their experiences. Thanks for sharing yours.

I don’t think I got to “postpartum depression” myself but darn close. Having a new baby in a situation with zero social support, money worries, and too many work pressures would break down Rambo.

It’s been over 30 years since those days and many other traumas (job turmoil, family deaths, divorce) have happened to me in the intervening time.

Here’s the thing, though: NONE were harder than toughing it out with a newborn. So, Penelope, in some ways, the worst days of your whole life are actually behind you!

It’s too bad that the social consensus is that this is some of individual “female” failure. It’s a social failure, and anyone who’s had a baby in a grim situation knows it. What we ask of ourselves and each other in this culture is pure craziness.

Thanks for sharing this story.

I was not sensitive to this aspect of life, thanks for sharing, I feel more informed.

PPD happens in all walks of life, even in women who do not birth their own children but who adopt. I had Post Adoption Depression that was diagnosed by our Attachment Therapist and treated by my physician. It almost prevented us from adopting again, as the US Embassy wanted to insure that I was going to be healthy.

Thankfully, because I knew hard it had been for my wife with our first child, I paid very, very close attention to how she was doing after the birth of our second.

Because of how challenging having two kids less than 18 months apart was, I purposefully changed my work schedule … bringing the baby to our bed to be nursed … going in to work later plenty of mornings … coming home early many days … giving my wife at least one hour away from the house and kids every day to be alone or with her girl friends …

Did this impact our income? You bet it did. And I was darn proud of how we pulled it all off–working together–as the months and first couple of years got easier.

Here’s my point:

Men–YOU need to be there for your wives when they need you … and DO NOT wait to be asked (some wives won’t). Just do it. Clean the dishes. And the housee. Change the diapers. Make the dinner (or pick it up). Give your wife the break she needs. Get a sitter/ family to watch your child/ren for at least two hours each and every week so the two of you can go out together–alone.

Even if it costs you money. Even if it affects your career. Even if your co-workers give you funny looks for going home early (though most the women will admire you for it).

THIS is what being married and having kids is about, too.

God expects it. Your wife deserves it.

THIS is what being a real man is all about.

You are spectacularly courageous for sharing this. It takes my breath away.

Penelope,

You are my hero.

I have never left a comment before on the Internet, but I knew I needed to respond to your post.

In 1990, when I was working as an attorney and 9 months pregnant with my first daughter, my law firm “laid off” its pregnant lawyers and those lawyers already out on maternity leave. (Yes, lawyers discriminate too, and are good at it, because they know exactly where to draw the line and make it look like a good business decision) My husband, also a lawyer, decided to quit his job and hang out his own shingle when our daughter was born. His practice failed, neither of us had any income, and money was a constant worry. I developed a full-blown case of PPD.

Note to 2/14/08 poster Keith–it’s not that a job is the most important thing, it’s the income it brings so your family can eat and not become homeless. Penelope had her priorities straight.

And speaking of homeless, my mother-in-law, who lived in our SAME TOWN, who before I got pregnant always said “You’ll always have a babysitter!”, decided to go to work full time at a homeless shelter as soon as my daughter was born. How could a daughter-in-law with “mere case” of PPD ever compete with the neediness of the homeless? My mother-in-law wouldn’t see us for weeks at a time (though she quit that job to take care of her daughter’s baby full time as soon as he was born). My own parents had died years before and I had no brothers or sisters. My newborn didn’t believe in naps (I didn’t know there were babies like that!) and didn’t sleep through the night for her first 2 years.

I didn’t know I had PPD at the time, I just knew I was strung out, exhausted, also 40 pounds overweight and (ha!) trying to find a job to support our family. My husband’s advice–”Just deal with it!” I didn’t have the urge to hurt our baby, but there were many times that I wished that I were dead. I would have stabbed myself in the head like you if I had had your courage.

God bless you for bringing PPD into the forefront. Our country desperately needs policies to protect families from this nightmare–how many more Andrea Yates stories will have to happen before our government acts?

EVERY new mother needs help, “working” mom or not. And, no, an involved and engaged dad is not enough, whether or not this is baby #1, #2, or #8. A family needs someone, or several someones, helping out. Full stop. The notion of doing it all on your own is just another example of our destructive American cult of individualism.

penelope, thank you for sharing your story. I also had PPD after my first baby at 18, but I was 3000 miles from home married to a young soldier who left for months at a time throughout that first year. I knew no one because we got there just weeks before the birth. No family from either side ever came and the military acted like I didn’t exist when my husband was gone.
At first I just thought about hurting the baby…but eventually I acted on it. I hit him when he cried and never told a soul…to this day. He is grown now, but I carry the guilt and pain of what I did every day. I wonder how much damage did I do?
Iknow now that it didn’t have to happen, but I was completely powerless to stop myself when I was always alone with him.
Please take PPD seriously. There are many ugly and dangerous shades of what can happen between “I think about slamming his head into the wall” and what Andrea Yates did.
I also thought the same thing about the wall in the beginning, and even mentioned it to family on the phone. It was a warning that shouldn’t have been ignored.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy to know that I am not alone in this world. I have 2 children, a 3 year old and a 4 month old. This is my 2nd time with PPD. The 1st time round it took me 9 months to completly breakdown & get help. Atleast this time I got treatment right away. Again-thank you for sharing.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with so many readers. We all have scary experiences that are so common in this mess of being human and yet these may be normal but the the first time for us. And we all feel alone. Perhaps one or even many new mothers will not feel alone because of what you shared. Open acknowledgment of this condition and encouragement to ask for help is a great gift.

Thank you for sharing your authentic self, it makes your writing touching and alarmingly real, and therefore powerful.

Thanks Penelope; this happened to me in 1995 with the birth of my second child. I have a wonderful family and yet so many folks have difficulty understanding mental illness. I was always seen as the strong one in the family; plowing through much including developing and keeping diabetes after my first pregnancy. I did not suffer PPD at all with my first but at 8 weeks post partum with my second it hit hard. Was treated only when I realized there was no insulin in my pump!!!!with a blood sugar of over 400 ouch. I was, am the provider in my family and unfortunately my husband just could not understand my illness (we are divorced but friends) and therefore, he nor really any one close to me was supportive. To top it off I did have to go back to work at 12 weeks, that coupled with no support absolutely DELAYED my recovery. Quite honestly to this day much of that is a blur; I simply remember a great deal of crying and pain. In the end, God pulled me through with his grace and by providing me with all the “tools”, medicne, physchiatrist, etc. Looking back I should have been hospitalized (I refused) but I would have least gotten some rest and taken time without pay, EVEN if I had to mortgage the house to do so. I feel as if I lost about 6 months of my beautiful sons life.

Thank you so much for this. I have been there, twice. Both post partums periods were such dark times in my life. I had NO HELP with my second and it was so much worse. I was suicidal and would often hurt myself. My husband does not even know the depths of the pain I felt. It all seemed so ironic, too. I had just had a baby and was supposed to be *joyous* and here I was feeling beyond miserable. I thank God that I got past that time in my life without hurting my children. There does need to be more press about this secretive, yet common issue. I hope that by the time I have a 3rd baby, I will have built up my diet & nutritional stores in my body enough and have enough knowledge and also have plans in place to have people help me, that it will be so much better. Again, thank you.

you write good about how to plan for interviews, new jobs, new careers, education, college etc but one thing you sure failed at….planning all this in the circumstance of a baby.
When you are planning for a baby it is imperative to make it the centerpoint of your planning just to reduce the impact of the blues of PPD. I understand that you like the challenges of being an entrepreneur, but having a child is also equally challenging. Planning your life to handle one challenge at a time is prudence. You could have taken up a safe/non-demanding job for may be 1-2 years while you could focus on yourself and the baby.

If this was the post that you mentioned you were putting off writing then I’m not surprised! The end result, however, is yet another wonderful/brave/enlightening blog post.