Thanks for pointing out Gunn… I’ll tune in. Another person that has mastered the art of conversation: Terry Gross. On her NPR bio page she is quoted, “What puts someone on guard isn’t necessarily the fear of being ‘found out.’ It sometimes is just the fear of being misunderstood.” She’s the best!

I just pulled out your book because I recall you talking about storytelling. You write, “Good talkers recognize that there’s something interesting about every person and it’s their job to get them talking. But you can’t only bombard people with questions. You also need to reveal things about yourself. The best way is by telling fun and interesting stories that make you look good.” Opening up is difficult and requires practice.

I’ve never been the smartest, richest, or best looking person in the room, but I always received the job offer, closed the deal and got laid because the world rewards an authentic and engaging soul. Sure, sometimes it’s easy to just fire away the questions, but good conversation is a bit like gay ballroom dancing… everyone gets a turn at leading and following.

This advice is useful and very true. I am tagged as an extrovert, but often find myself clamming up when put in professional networking situations. Why? Because I already think that the people I will meet will be boring or disagreeable. By following the advice Penelope has laid out here, I find myself not only learning more, but enjoying the company of the people I am around. This of course means better networking, and in my personal professional case, better fundraising.

This is a supplemental tip that I picked up from a magazine a long time ago: when people tell you a story, they don’t want you to respond with your own story. Whenever you tell a different story in response, what you are essentially telling the other person is that their experience is less relevant and less important. If you’re dealing with someone who’s already shy, then topping their story is only going to shut them down further.

Good conversations, in my experience, typically resolve into a story-teller and an audience. If you feel unbearably shy, then focus on being a responsive audience. Be audibly impressed whenever possible and ask for explanations when conversation lulls. Don’t be afraid to politely disagree; a reasoned negative response also implies attentiveness. Good audiences are typically in short supply, so learning to be one will actually make you quite popular. Which is, I suppose, the whole point of Penelope’s post.

(As one may suspect, I’m one of nature’s storytellers. Being a storyteller all the time will ultimately alienate people, even if you’re Ernest Hemmingway. If you’re a storyteller but feel disconnected, try learning to be an audience. I’ve found that deliberately being an audience is a lot more effective when trying connect with other people. It makes them feel important and meaningful to you; these are important emotions to elicit because people form friendships in order to feel validated. Just remember that people can tell when you aren’t really listening and people generally find that insulting.)

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This is a great tip. Thanks. I confess to be guilty of responding to a story with a story. And it makes total sense that this does not feel good to the first story teller. And, your comment makes me realize that playing storytelling battle games is not exactly the most engaging way to tell a story anyway.

–Penelope

Brilliant and conveniently timed (for me). Big networking to-do tonight, this is wonderful preparation. Owe ya one. Ok, like 9, but who’s counting?

I’m a introvert. I naturally find myself listening a lot to what people have to say and, knowing that this is a good way to connect with people, trying to maximise it.

But I find many people will monologue at me and I just get bored. Perhaps I haven’t mastered the art of finding what makes people tick but I’m wary that, given the chance, most people will drone on about themselves for as long as you will let them.

Many people don’t ask you questions back and barely register your comments. Not sure if I’m doing something wrong or have the misfortune to run into lots of self absorbed people. Any tips of turning someone’s monologue into a conversation?

“Forty percent of young people think they are shy, and the percentage gets higher over time. However most people do not have a shyness disorder to overcome, they just need a little more practice.”

I find that point very interesting. I almost always say to people, “I’m shy,” and then they give me a shocked look of disbelief. Several years back, I definitely had some serious social anxiety, so I’ll never be a natural social butterfly. But the older I get, the more I realize that, once the ball gets rolling with a simple statement or two, it’s very easy and natural for me to speak with all sorts of people. You do just have to have the guts, like you say, Penelope.

Catherine Jones, my boyfriend and I talk about what you bring up a lot–monologues rather than conversations. My boyfriend is by far the most attuned, phenomenal listener I’ve ever met in my life. That’s what blew me away about him. From the he asked these great questions that showed his genuine interest and great attention to detail. It frustrates him that that often isn’t reciprocated. I think being a truly great listener is a rare quality. I have the tendency to tune out and ramble when I talk.

I also have some people in my life who are truly self-absorbed. I think with them, you have to realize it isn’t so much about you. With those people, you may just have to jump in and get your comments in there. Also, in some families and cultures, you’re expected to interrupt in order to convey interest rather than just passively listen. Perhaps some of that plays into your encounters too.

I always make an effort to be the guy who says hello to the new person in a group. I just remember what that feels like, and I know that most people would prefer to be approached rather than have to break in cold.

That said, I don’t think it’s my natural gift or role–I just see that there’s a need to be friendly to those people and I do it. It feels at least a little awkward almost always, and I tend to get somewhat self-conscious. However, when I confess those feelings of awkward self-consciousness to my wife or friends, they often laugh at the notion that I am shy.

Just because you are uncomfortable, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reach out. Just because someone reaches out, doesn’t mean they are comfortable. It’s part of how many people are wired–we want to be accepted yet are afraid of conflict and rejection.

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Love this comment. It’s important to know that the people who look like they are the stellar conversationalists at the party are actually people who have conversation misgivings themselves. I really appreicate the image of the person who walks up to the new guy at the party is actually feeling nervous himself. So honeset, and inspiring — we should all be so kind as to appraoch the new person even though it feels awkward.

-Penelope

Another post that hits the sweet spot! And not only do these ’social awkwardnesses’ occur in networking but they have cropped up as campus guide, a new assigned mentor or chapter president. I agree that letting people know that you are genuine and care make a world of difference. Some small things such as a firm handshake and repeating someone’s name after they introduce themselves (Nice to meet you, Penelope.)indicate that.

An interesting observation that cements the idea that EVERYONE is somewhat nervous- where does everyone go first? To get a drink so they can at least clutch at something.

Here’s an interesting question this post raises: What happens when you’ve struck a good conversation with someone and they keep on rambling but you would like to meet other people? It’s obviously not a safe place for strangers to jump in and introduce themselves.

Some tactful advice I’ve gotten is to spot a friend and say “Oh, have you met so-and-so?” and get another person involved a previously 2 person conversation. You can introduce people in this manner until there’s a decent group size and the conversation is flowing without your constant input. Then you can excuse yourself to talk to someone else or to fetch an appetizer (as an excuse:) without making them feel stranded. Not only can this free up yourself, but they will appreciate you assistance in helping them network!

Any suggestions for doing so if you don’t know any other people in the room?

GREAT post.

And to the comment above re: responding to a story with a story — I’ve been guilty of that. And I agree, it’s not a great position to put the other person in. Not at all.

Penelope - Like Chuck W., I’m a well-compensated introvert, uncomfortable at events where I don’t know anybody. Many of the professional events I attend are techie related, thus full of introverts. Like Chuck W., I will approach another loner to start a conversation, which I typically start by saying something about how much I hate things like this, how it’s so awkward to stand around when you don’t know anybody, etc. When I see someone sitting at a table by himself/herself, I’ll go over and ask if I can join them. (Nothng worse than sitting at that table for 10 by yourself.)

Your post also reminded me of one of my favorite conversation stories. I was on a business trip that involved 6 hours of driving with a colleague I barely knew. On the way up, I asked him a few “starter questions” about where he grew up,and it was off to the races. He went off on a 3 hour monologue about his family, high school, ne’er do well brother, church growing up, first car, the street he lived on, his family’s house, the dog…. When he stopped for a breath, I would ask a follow-on question (”what color was the dog?”), and he’d be off again. On the way back, 3 more hours,this time about college,jobs,first car, second car, third car, wife, son, and political philosophy.

What was riveting about “Jeff’s” monologue was how incredibly, stunningly boring it was, but I kept on asking him questions, feeling like I was on a bad date. (I’m old enough that dating advice to girls was all about drawing the boy out and hearing what he had to say.)

He did not once ask me anything about myself. Not once.

The upshot was that a day or so laterI saw him in the hall and said, “Hi, Jeff.” He looked at me without one iota of recognition.

I still laugh when I think about it.

This is always a great topic but someone who goes ot a conference to interview people as part of her job is not a perfect model of the average person.

Let’s say you meet a stranger, find “the money topic” and he gives you all he’s got. How do you then get rid of him?

When a reporter calls you she just says I’ve got to go and hangs up. And you accept it because it’s business.

In a more informal setting, do you just hold out your hand whenever you feel like it and say nice to meet you and show him your back?

I believe one of the most key element in making conversation is to start listening.

You would be surprised how you can draw an introvert to tell you things so as long as you listen,

In my experience as a Generation Y, who switch career from a Pharmaceutical Production Engineer which requires minimal socializing to a IT Solution Sales which is the direct opposite, listening skill wins me very meaningful conversation.

I have also found that it is important not to pre-judge people before striking a conversation, I have often been left dumbfolded and amazed at how wrong I had been in my pre-judgement. People are not always what they seems….

I have learnt never to pre-judge people negatively before striking a conversation because sometimes, they can actually see it through me and it affects the conversation altogether. Striking a conversation with someone unknown is almost like opening a package and not knowing what to expect inside until its opened….

Charity I love your analogy - striking a conversation with someone unknown is like opening a package and not knowing what to expect. I will think of that next time I approach someone to start a conversation.

As an introverted adult Asperger, running through an open field with an entire regiment of the North Vietnamese Regular Army shooting a month’s worth of ammunition in 30 seconds at me, is far preferable to attempting to strike up a conversation with someone I don’t know.

Guess I’m really screwed, aren’t I?

Here’s the other side of the coin that can be even more challenging - a quality conversation with someone you’ve known for a long time. You know their likes and dislikes, interests, habits, etc. so well that finding a ‘new topic’ can be difficult. You ask what’s new in their life and then you go over what you’ve been doing lately. There’s times I can only go so far and then I’m drawing blanks as to what the next topic of discussion should be. If both people are experiencing this predicament at the same time, it really gets to be awkward. This other side of the coin challenge is to maintain a lively and interesting conversation. Sometimes and with some people it will take nearly no effort at all. However there are those times when I really have to work at it by truly listening and being engaged in the conversation. Maybe all that is required is to use the same skills as you would with someone you don’t know on someone you do know but in a different way or direction.

interesting topic, i agree with ivan