The ill-advised but often-sought business-trip tryst
When I was younger and traveled more for business, I got hit on by just about every man I traveled with. This is not uncommon among women I know.
Of course, most times it’s not that bad. The guy usually looks a little silly, and the next day the girl usually feels a little more powerful in the client meeting because her counterpart showed such pathetic judgment the night before.
Please do not write to me about how this situation is sex harassment and can get very bad and whatever. I know. But let’s be real, men hit on their travel partners all the time and it’s mostly just a fumbling bunch of absurdities like, “I’ve never asked anyone this before….” Or “I’m so attracted to you I can’t help myself…” Lines the men think are original but actually are standard fare for dark corners of hotel lobbies.
Last week, I was in New York City to talk to editors about my book (coming out in May, hooray). Each day, I looked really good for the meetings, and I had a swanky hotel room and an expense account to boot.
Now I can see why affairs happen so often on business trips. If you are single, a business trip is just an extension of your single life, and if you don’t sleep with random guys in real life, it’s unappealing to do it on a business trip.
But if you’re married with children, a business trip is like an escape to Disney Land. There are no kids to feed and bathe. There’s no husband for annoying talks about checkbook balances and the next day’s school lunch. There is only freedom and fun. And what does anyone want to do with freedom and fun except have sex?
I wish I could tell you that I’m too busy with my great career and big ideas to think about a little one-night stand. But really, I was consumed with the idea.
A lot of people send emails to me to ask about issues related to marriage. Mostly because people who have a career and young kids don’t really have time for the marriage. And they think that because I have career advice I have marriage advice. And I do, sort of: It’s very hard to do kids, career and marriage. And be on guard that often the easiest thing to let go is the marriage.
I know what you’ll tell me: The best thing to do to save the marriage is date night. But the thing about date night is that the best time to do it is on a business trip. When there are only inappropriate dates.
Instead of acting on my fantasies and destroying my marriage, I did what all good journalists do: buried myself in data gathering.
This cheating issue is widespread: Sixty percent of men and forty percent of women have an affair during marriage. And these are not long-term events. Ten percent don’t even last twenty-four hours. This screams business trip to me, but maybe because I was just on one.
The Des Moines Register reported, in an article that I can’t link to, that thirty-two percent of people feel like they are married to their co-workers, and in fact, people do better work when they have this sort of relationship with a co-worker. So it’s not that big a leap to cross the great divide and suggest a rendez-vous while you’re in a grand hotel.
Oprah’s in-house therapist has addressed this situation — where you feel very close to someone you work with all the time. And, in a shocking turn of events, she recommends that you don’t act on it. (For you pragmatists, the increase in workplace performance you get from feeling very close to a co-worker dissolves when you start swapping spit.)
Of course people ignore this advice in droves, and forty percent of workers actually have an on-going relationship with someone at work. (Considering that? Here are some tips to do it without killing your career.)
Based on my experience and my research, I am declaring that it’s normal to think about having a one-night stand with a co-worker, and it’s normal for your mind to travel to fantasy land on a business trip. I used to think it wasn’t. But it is. I think if we all admit this, we can all get good at having the feelings and not considering the option of acting on them - which would not only help save marriages but also help stop sex harassment at work.
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Amen to that!
So what are you doing later…wanna get a drink?
Posted by August | February 12, 2007
Excellent post once again Penelope. This might sound jr. highschoolish, but I’ll add that the other dynamic at work here is that our spouses are not around to see us succeed and/or share in the celebration. Whether on the road or not, we want to impress those we love and know that we impressed them. Unless we’re fortunate enough to work side-by-side, that doesn’t happen. Instead, I compliment my female co-workers and they compliment me. After awhile, the lines can blur.
Keep up the good work,
Steve
Posted by Steve | February 12, 2007
Hmmmm, maybe I need to cut down on my wife’s business travel!
Posted by Chris Yeh | February 12, 2007
Penelope, I appreciate your honesty though if I was your husband I must admit that I would feel a bit depressed.
Regarding your stats, they seem way too high to me and if it was so common surely I would have heard about it a lot more.
Is it something related to a specific age group? If so, then some people would hear about it and not others.
Posted by Recruiting Animal | February 12, 2007
On the link page above the 60/40 number you will also see:
“22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives. 14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.”
So estimates vary wildly. But whatever… I’m sure you are right. Some business people believe it’s just a cost of business when they break promises to customers, associates, and partners. Why not add the spouse to that list?
Posted by laurence haughton | February 12, 2007
Interesting post. There’s another side to all of this too, that I’ve noticed when traveling on business and in the “backpacking scene.”
Men and women who are in committed relationships (whether officially married or not) often seem to seek out the platonic companionship of someone of the opposite sex for a day or two. Somewhat similar to a “first date” the idea isn’t really to “consumate” the relationship, but simply to enjoy getting to know someone better.
WIth men I’ve worked with, hanging out together for an evening on the road and getting to know each other as people was enjoyable and a little like being on a first date except no pressure to go further(since both people knew the other was committed relationship). Maybe one person or the other had a slight fantasy of going further, but both people knew it wouldn’t happen so no tension, no pressure, just an enjoyable time away from spouses and kids and mortgages and check books.
Posted by Female Traveler | February 12, 2007
Hi Penelope — Funny timing - here’s a story in yesterday’s Washington Post about work spouses: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/10/AR2007021000012.html?referrer=emailarticle
But I can see why you’d also be solicited for marriage advice. Job hunting and dating have many parallels.
* * * * *
Great article, Sandi. Thanks for posting it. The research to support the benefits of a “workplace spouse” is so good…
-Penelope
Posted by Sandi | February 12, 2007
“I think if we all admit this, we can all get good at having the feelings and not considering the option of acting on them…”
…or at least just processing them by ourselves back at the hotel. Another reason even married couples should be willing to embrace a healthy self-love life!
Posted by Ron | February 13, 2007
Inc Magazine is covering it too. Just in time for Valentines Day.
http://www.inc.com/criticalnews/articles/200702/dating.html?partner=rss
Posted by Recruiting Animal | February 13, 2007
“And what does anyone want to do with freedom and fun except have sex?”
…Well I am a married man with a young child and I can tell you that there are lots of things besides cheating on my wife that I would do with freedom and fun. Namely, take a nap, enjoy a movie uninterrupted, workout at the gym… This strikes me as a rather immature post and quite stereotypical of the “boorish businessman.” At least you plugged the book.
Posted by Matt B | February 13, 2007
Good post! The advice (Don’t act on it!) from Oprah’s therapist is not only useful here but in many other situations.
Posted by Noel Jensen | February 16, 2007
I’m thoroughly depressed. No one has ever, ever hit on me during a business trip. What is wrong with me?!
:)
Posted by melanie gao | March 2, 2007
Penelope,
This isn’t the first time that you’ve mentioned being hit on in the workplace. I know this is a common phenomenon and have heard one or two friends with a common story.
I am 27, fit, relatively attractive, and very intelligent (I imagine you are thinking that the majority believe they have above-average looks and smarts!). I have not been subjected to obvious sexual discrimination or been hit on in any way. What’s more, I work in a heavily male-dominated industry.
My question is this: do you think not being hit on is actually a negative when it is so commonplace? I am not talking about overt sexual harrassment. But perhaps a senior being flirtatious means he is at least paying attention to you? Or is this simply the wrong type attention to begin with?
Posted by Lisa | March 4, 2008
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