Free! Live discussion about autism Nov. 13, 7pm ET
Detail of Pilot’s Notion Five, Red, Yellow Star by David Collins
I told a friend I keep not finishing things and he said, “Yeah, the last 10% of anything is the hardest.” A light bulb went off. Once I realized that this is a problem everyone has I could see the last 10% more clearly. And all day I’ve been finishing things.
For a long time I’ve been wanting to have a live session where we all talk about autism and this post is my last 10%. Now we have a date and time: Wed, Nov. 13, 7-9 pm ET. And we have a link. Here it is:
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/82800295802?pwd=LfTfUHmWnqbbQdLJCbD9U8Wd7L571A.1
I think I probably get more done because of my anxiety about getting things done. There’s a whole genre of research about how anxiety correlates with high performance. For example, a new paper shows anxiety predicts math achievement in kindergarteners.
When we talk on Wednesday, we’ll talk about how this is not surprising because anxiety in little kids is linked to autism. Autistic kids really kill it in kindergarten — no neurotypical can touch those little high achievers. Because while neurotypical kids are learning about social skills, autistic kids are decoding math and language. It’s linear: the more time a kid spends on decoding, the less the kid spends on social skills.
The problem with autistic kids being the smartest kids in kindergarten – or whenever – is no direct effect between how well kids do in school and outcomes in adult life. This is not a surprise because teachers train kids to earn gold stars – it’s the only way teachers can keep control of the classroom ratio of one teacher to dozens of kids. But the gold stars don’t translate to anything in life except obsession with gold stars.
All the correlations are mediated by household income. That is, the more money your parents have the better your outcome will be after college. But there’s one exception: The more emotional support a kid has from a parent the better they do in college – regardless of income.
But parents have messed up view of what emotional support is, because parents want gold stars for parenting. So the support most parents give is to steer the kid to get gold stars. Parents mistake helping a kid get gold stars for helping a kid feel loved.
Does this remind you of your childhood? I find that the more I understand about autistic kids, the more I understand my experience growing up. So much of the autism experience is not autism per se, but the experience of growing up with autistic parents who have no idea they’re autistic.
Don’t even think of telling me not everyone in your family is autistic. Scientists are fed up with people thinking only *some* of their relatives are autistic. Now, when there is a call for a study of kids who do not have autism, the child cannot have anyone with autistic tendencies one, two or three generations removed. Because if there’s one there are tons.
But here’s another thing about the research: an autism diagnosis is irrelevant. It doesn’t help you get help, and you can already get help for the specific issues you want help with. But saying you have autism can give you a sense of belonging. That’s why I want you to join me on Wednesday at 7 pm Eastern. Here’s the link:
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/82800295802?pwd=LfTfUHmWnqbbQdLJCbD9U8Wd7L571A.1
It will be fun. For me. I think it’ll be fun for you, too. Because learning new things that surprise us is fun.
What happens when autistic mothers or fathers have kids with someone not autistic? Do they have all/some/no autistic kids?
Gold star teaching and parenting results in kids valuing achievement over relationships. The result can be high-achieving kids with no social skills. But it’s hard to teach good relationship building and the culture values social skills above ability. Sadly those least able to fit in are expected to just do it, while those best able to do it show no inclination in helping the least able. Catch 22.
There are no autistic people with a partner who doesn’t have autism. The dating rituals are a sorting mechanism and autistic people don’t like to follow the dating rules. We are happy when we meet someone else who doesn’t follow the rules. And people who are neurotypical see a red flag when someone doesn’t follow the rules.
All children of autistic parents are autistic. The same is true with spouses. Both are autistic and it’s stigmatizing to say one isn’t. The faster parents accept this the less they will stigmatize their child. To pick out random people in your family and say they do not have autism is like saying “but they are …. so they can’t have autism.” And that’s not how autism works.
There is an exception to your methodology. Tight Christian communities (or similar). Why? Because we got married so freaking young, and practically by community design, and outside of America…such that we didn’t have the rules. Or a chance to make decisions by them. Not all countries ‘date’ US style. So yes I think more often than not autistics are married to autistics. But not always.
You might be right. Here is some info about the research for you to consider:
The dating ritual research is not from the US, and it’s across multiple generations.
Being very religious correlates with having autism. Autistic people like rules and rituals. It’s just that we pick and choose even if we don’t realize we’re picking and choosing.
At any rate, I’m hope you’ll come to the discussion. This is the type of topic I’m looking forward to.
I might come for this comment alone!