Rob Reiner was a bad parent; I’m not surprised his kid killed him
South Park episode “Butt Out” which makes fun of Rob Reiner’s self-delusion.
Rob Reiner is a famous director and he’s dead. You probably knew him from his movies This is Spinal Tap and When Harry Met Sally. Now you’ll know him because his son, Nick Reiner, killed his parents by slitting their throats.
The past two days have been filled with celebrations of the great Rob Reiner which seem completely tone deaf to me. Rob’s first job was to be a good parent to his son and he was a bad parent.
We know Rob was a bad parent because by age 15 Nick, the middle son, had already been in and out of rehab for meth, heroin and cocaine. Nick has said that he didn’t bond with his dad when he was young. What was Rob doing while he had a 13-year-old son becoming an addict? Rob stopped directing movies and gave himself to public advocacy leading South Park creators to devote an entire episode to Rob’s hypocritical moralizing.
I’m sure Nick’s parents thought they’d be judged by their most successful kids. But actually, parents are best judged by their least successful kid, because that’s the kid who absorbed the family’s trauma so everyone else could flourish. Nick’s siblings complained about the anger he expressed toward their parents. Of course that bothered the siblings: they were parented differently; they were not addicted to drugs as middle schoolers.
In case you had any doubt about the core rot of the relationship between Rob and Nick, look at the film they made together. Nick wrote an autobiographical script about his childhood addiction. His dad directed the film — literally ensuring he had the last say over Nick’s story.
There is no scenario where it was appropriate for Rob to direct that film. He has plenty of connections, plenty of money, he could have set Nick up with a director who didn’t have conflicted interests. He could have given Nick the opportunity to direct. And in fact, Nick’s sister wrote three scripts that were directed by people who were not her father.
There’s new research from Harvard about how important it is for children to feel like their parents adjust relationships and routines based on a child’s actions. A child’s feeling that they matter to their parents starts during infancy and impacts their actions for their entire life. When Nick’s parents talk about how they did everything possible for him, they never talk about their attention before Nick was an addict, only after.
If you want to find out how much Rob thinks Nick matters, check out this interview with the two of them as they’re promoting the movie. Theoretically, this is where they are getting along and supporting each other. But actually, Rob dominates the conversation, he speaks for his son, and you can see his son is completely disengaged when his father is talking. None of this is working, but Rob can’t stop promoting.
It’s hard to tell if Rob’s promoting the movie or himself. He says he’s a better dad now because he understands his son more. But he can’t even sense when his son is moving his mic around trying to get a word in. Nick cannot even get Rob to shut up when they are talking about Nick’s story.
Here’s why it’s important to judge Rob Reiner’s parenting. First, he made himself a public advocate for other people to start being better parents, then he messed up his kid’s childhood and did a PR campaign telling people that he was a bad father but now he’s a good father. So Rob sets himself up to be judged.
Today news outlets sing praises for Rob Reiner’s storytelling and talk about Nick like he’s a sociopath when in fact, I think it’s probably the other way around.
This is absolutely ridiculous and disgusting for you to put in words so soon after this gruesome double murder. You have no idea what the situation entails and you seem perfectly ok to excuse someone’s ABSOLUTELY PSYCHOTIC BEHAVIOR. You literally call rob reiner a sociopath and say his son isn’t one. Gee – I tend to think people who slit the throats of their parents are, at the very least, sociopaths. Who the fuck are you to be saying any of this. Of what possible value are you in this situation other than to stir the pot like a fucking ghoul.
Okay. I think the last sentence was probably too much. I liked the symmetry. But I also liked the irony that in the movie Rob is using Nick’s story. But fine. I should not have ended with that. The rest, I think is okay. I am not condoning killing parents. I’m not trying to judge that. I’m trying to say that it doesn’t make sense to me to talk about how great a person Rob is and how crazy his kid is. It’s obviously not that cut and dried.
Genuinely, seek therapy. What a horrible person you are.
Holy shit you’re insufferable.
Sometimes we have to be blunt. The interview of Rob and Nick Reiner was painful to watch. Rob was busy narrating a story. Nick listened, detached, seemingly unemotional, occasionally offering a disjointed aside. Mostly, he seemed unable to do much more than stare blankly as his father sucked all the oxygen out of the room, all to make the point that Being Charlie put things on track and made up for all past mistakes. What were those mistakes? According to Reiner, the mistakes boiled down to listening to the advice of others rather than his own parenting instincts. Of course, where were those instincts before Nick became a 13-year old drug addict living a wild life without meaningful adult supervision? You have it exactly right: in Rob Reiner’s mind, the relationship with his son on appeared post-addiction, with no mention of how it got to that horrible place. It also seemed clear from Nick’s affect that he might have — drug induced or not — some serious cognitive impairment. Flat affect. Unable to connect with the interviewer emotionally. Not reading cues. Were signs of mental or emotional problems missed by his parents?
Every parent has lapses, shortcomings, failures to see. After all, we’re human. But to have a child go off the rails this severely, this early is extreme. Let’s not lose sight of the parenting lessons in all the rush to celebrate professional accomplishments.
Thank you for saying it so calmly. I’m obviously not as calm about it. Though I think it takes someone feeling very strongly about the situation to post this angle to begin with.
This was disappointing to read from you, Penelope. I would have been interested to read a thoughtful negative take but this was just unnuanced and makes me worry about how you are doing.
you’ve got no right to pass judgement towards a situation you know nothing about- are you a therapist who has worked directly with this family? I didn’t think so. to say that Rob was a “bad parent “ is pretty short fucking sighted and two dimensional thinking. Adjust your speech and maybe I’ll listen more closely to you. For now -fuck your lame ass article
We can judge people by their actions and what they say in public. We might not know everything about them. But we have enough information from Rob and Nick themselves to know that Rob did not form a bond with Nick when he was young. Rob was traveling all over the country when Nick was using drugs in middle school. And when Nick wrote a screenplay about his relationship with his father, Rob took it over instead of paying to get the movie made with another director which is what he did for his daughter. We can draw conclusions based on these actions. This is not to say every action from Rob was bad. But this doesn’t stack up to be a good parent.
Absolutely disgusting and presumptuous! You should be ashamed.
You’re a sicko and a sociopath. Nobody deserves to die because they made mistakes as a parent. As parents, we love our children for who they are and we do everything we can to help them succeed. Even the “worst” parents will tell you that. You are obviously either too young, too stupid and definitely not a parent to write shit like this.
It seems that this article is attempting to point out that Rob Reiner shouldn’t be upheld as a model parent (valid criticism) but instead suggests that killing your Dad is a reasonable response (insane take). The suggestion that Rob was a sociopath and his son’s actions were justified demonstrates a gross misunderstanding of mental health, culpability, trauma and personal responsibility. I don’t understand what you were trying to do and it’s quite tone deaf in the immediate aftermath of a tragic murder.
Yeah. I wish I didn’t have the last line. I think you’re right — I wanted to just talk about the dad’s actions. I don’t want to defend killing someone. But I do want to stop the knee-jerk reaction that when a kid kills the parent the kid is terrible and the parent is purely a victim. Did we learn nothing from the Menendez family?
>em dash
This is ai written ragebait
What would the Reiners needed to do to prevent this from happening?
Secondly, but more importantly, how can parent learn to develop the huge amount of love to do the things necessary to bond with their difficult, different, or defiant child?
That’s a great question. Bonding with a child starts very early. But when Nick was born both parents were very involved with activities outside the home. It’s impossible to believe that Nick was using drugs and not looking wierd as a middle schooler. So that tells me the parents were not around enough to notice. Parenting starts with emotional and physical presence. And with presence parents can develop empathy. For lots of parents this is really hard. But as a society we should demand it from all families.
Nick had all his life to make choices that benefited him. If his father was so aweful he could have built a life separate and independent. I loose sympathy for him after 25.
Lots of people have god aweful relationships with thier parents and don’t kill. In fact the majority don’t kill.
How’s your relationship with your parents. This post is a little weird
My point here is that the deluge of Rob-is-great media right now doesn’t make sense. There is plenty of evidence that he was not a great person. I’m pointing out the evidence that he wasn’t a great father. I think most of us need help parenting. We need to talk about it more.
Wow you’re an idiot! There’s too much stupidity here to even argue, other than to say patricide would be through the roof if your argument held any weight at all.
I think Rob didn’t bond in a true parent sense to his son and more so in a narcissistic way. I don’t think Rob is a bad person but it’s clear he does not seem to truly connect with his son based in that dual interview. It was very strange and awkward interview and Rob keeps trying to smooth over the interview because he wants so bad for his son to be “a winner” and not a loser drug addict. Sad thing is, Nick is an addict and that’s all he ever was and will be and because Rob didn’t accept this and was clearly in denial and lacking empathy for his son, it snowballed into hatred from his son, and now a murder.
I stumbled in here (lucky me I think! I’ll be reading more of your posts later!) and you NAILED exactly what I have been thinking about this terrible situation; most specifically that movie they made!
This is actually a psychotic take! Also you know nothing about how entertainment works. Rob’s involvement as a director is the whole reason the movie even got made.
Penelope,
Leaving space for your analysis being correct; also leaving space for your analysis being the result of the circumstantial evidence you present. As always, appreciate your take.
Patty
What a horribly unproven perspective. You have at best circumstantial information to support your assertions, but certainly hold to the problematic at best trope that how kids turn out is all about the parents. I know it’s an opinion piece, but it’s lazy and lame
I cancelled your newsletter today after your vicious judgmental comments abt Rob Reiner’s parenting
Completely disagree with you. The interview was painful to watch. The kid is a sociopath! I honestly despise your take on the situation.
That’s a pretty harsh take. Do we know how they wanted to be judged as parents? Everyone has demons and all can’t be controlled. Having a struggling child does not make one a bad parent. Abandoning said child does. They never did this.
I won’t pretend to believe I knew what kind of parents they were, but your “evidence” doesn’t support your premise.
Rob could have been a self-important, narcissist who locked Nick in the basement for all I know. But the fact that South Park lampooned him and Rob directed the movie mean little.
Maybe Nick wanted him to direct the movie. Maybe Nick was a non-functioning imbecile that couldn’t get a word out in an interview.
I’m completely guessing, like you did.
Good parents can raise people who become addicts and murderers. Bad parents can raise people who change the world in positive ways.
Bad parents don’t necessarily deserve to be murdered. Bad parents who made positive contributions to others deserve to be mourned.
What hateful, cruel, poorly-reasoned, and utterly bizarre piece of writing. It’s possible Rob Reiner was a bad parent, but it’s certain that you are a bad person.
Fuck yes. I have done many years of childhood trauma work, and I can say with absolute certainty that kids don’t just kill their parents because their parents did a good job raising them.
I hate how this story is framed from the perspective that some rich people were killed by their ungrateful drug addicted child. Like it’s just one more thing for rich people to worry about. First we got a socialist mayor, and now this!
I hate how the WSJ reported that the last time they were all seen together was at a fancy party with A-list celebs, and how Nick harshed their vibe by asking people if they were famous. Like, he’s so rude! And so embarrassing for the parents! See the horseshit they had to endure from him???
No mention that doing this at a party full of A-Listers would be funny as hell. And no attention was drawn to the fact that Nick was asked to leave, but his parents stayed at the party. That must’ve felt isolating as fuck for Nick.
If my kid was having a hard time at a party and was kicked out, I certainly wouldn’t let them leave on their own. They’re still my responsibility even though they are adults. I just wish his parents saw him as actually being their responsibility, instead of as an embarrassment.
It’s clear his parents were busy chasing power, money, and fame. That’s all we hear about. Not a peep about how a 15-year-old had the money and lack of adult supervision that allowed him to get addicted to heroin. I think that’s the real story right there.
He really does look like a beautiful kid. It’s so sad to see him demonized like this.
Thank you. There is so much more to say. Thank you for saying more.
You have zero understanding of the causes and treatments for addiction you cretin. Stfu
This is such a bad take that I felt compelled to respond. You know absolutely nothing about Rob as a parent. Reading your post, your moralizing seems to be based on Rob’s success, a south park episode, a 20 minute interview on Youtube and the fact that Nick developed drug problems in early adolescence. Even worse than taking a complex situation and falsely portraying it as a simple function of ‘bad parenting,’ you seem to exonerate Nick with half-baked concepts (“absorbing the family trauma so that others could flourish”). Was Rob a bad parent or was Nick a bad son? Either answer is stupid – just like this post.
I knew you’d be getting heat for this post, and I knew there would be people hysterically telling you what a terrible take it was and how awful you are. It is a terribly sad situation, and yep maybe seems a bit early to be doing this type of analysis. But if people have been reading your blog for a long time, they would know that you are always looking for the lessons, particularly for parenting and providing kids with the best foundations.
“A child’s feeling that they matter to their parents starts during infancy and impacts their actions for their entire life” will sit with me for a long time. I have 3 kids ( 10, 8 and 6) and I feel like I”m being a fair and loving parent to all of them equally. But at the same time lately I can see my middle kid questioning more and more whether we care about her and saying things that her other sisters never do “I know you hate me, I know you don’t care about me”. She’s an amazing kid with a vibrant internal world – but she pushes the boundaries and challenges authority which means we clash in ways that don’t happen with her sisters. I worry about how connected she feels and try my best to make sure I reinforce that she’s important to me and loved. Whilst I don’t think we are on the “heroin addiction at 13” pathway, its still a good reminder to keep reflecting on my relationships with my kids individually and ensuring they have the emotional support and connection they need.
Needless to say, I don’t respect someone famous who commits crimes or wife batters, and I might ostracize or “cancel” someone who was bad.
Meanwhile, by one scenario, it is a universal balance that one can’t be abnormal in effort or fame without being less normal in another area, as in, say, pro X stars having bad domestic relationships caught on camera. (Of course there are other scenarios)
Hence the saying in Britain, “No man is a hero to his valet” (personal attendant)
By this reasoning, it’s common to be glossing over a fellow’s everyday life and simply saying, with awe, that he’s great at what he does…
Nobody knows the secret life of circus performers, but when they come to town, displaying excellence, I can be inspired to reevaluate my normal life, as when every four years I see an amateur (NOT a professional) Olympian.
I don’t know these people at all. I haven’t read any coverage of what’s taken place. I think that probably makes me more objective than prior commenters.
I work as a lawyer in child sex abuse helping survivors obtain compensation as adults for what happened to them. Most of my clients are incarcerated men. Some of them are in prison for murder. Some specifically for murdering their abusers. Almost all of them struggle or have struggled with substance abuse issues. And all of them – no exception – had god awful parents. Ranging from severely negligent, completely absent (in the fostercare system, raised by next of kins, run aways, etc..), to extreme physical and sexual abuse you could not imagine. You don’t get to sexually abuse a child unless the parent has completely checked out. It’s too hard to access the child or get away with it (unless they’re your own).
Many of my clients view their parents as accomplices in their sexual abuse, enabling or facilitating it through their parenting, or lack there of. Many feel relieved when their parents die (however they may die). They wish them dead even if not through their own will.
It takes an extreme amount of abuse for a child to kill their parents. Extreme.
God knows what these two did to Nick, but you can see in the angry comments why no one ever helped him.
Thank you. I could not understand the comments full of hatred and personal insult, just because someone disagreed. But I understand that people choose to not see what they have decided to ignore.