I hate books about autism but I made a reading list anyway
When someone tells me their child is autistic, I always end up telling them that they are too. Because autism is a family condition. At the end of these conversations people ask: “Do you have a reading list you could send me?” So here is that list.
But first, an introductory complaint: In general there are no good books for parents about autism. The books about autism that parents write (which is most of them) aim to fill a desperate need to believe their kid will be okay. The books also have the goal of reinforcing in the parents’ own minds that they themselves are not autistic.
But those two goals are contradictory. Because when parents tell themselves their kid is the autistic one, they stigmatize autism.
If the parents could admit they have autism as well, then they would not stigmatize their child, and that is really what makes kids feel good about themselves. After years of research at Harvard, what I found over and over again is that the biggest influence on outcomes for autistic children is the parents’ understanding of themselves.
The Essential Difference: Men, Women, and the Extreme Male Brain, by Simon Baron-Cohen (2007)
On this reading list all the authors are academics and the publication dates are old. You can see that for the past 20 years this book has been in print, and each new edition the publisher tries to make the book more palatable to a mainstream audience.
Yet 20 years after this book was published, most mental health professionals are not even aware that autism is a sex-linked condition and a test for boys does not work on girls. So, for example, it’s this research published in 2007 (and ten years earlier in academic journals) that you will need to use to ensure your daughter gets a proper neurological evaluation today.
The Pattern Seekers: How Autism Drives Human Invention, by Simon Baron-Cohen (2020)
This book explains the benefits of having autism — in the context of autistic people are gifted and neurotypical people are not. But the book doesn’t say anything about neurotypical deficiencies because publishers think people wouldn’t buy that book. It’s unfortunate because the book loses a lot of its impact trying to not say anything negative about neurotypical people. However, this book is the basis for every “autism is a gift” book ever written.
T: The Story of Testosterone, The Hormone that Dominates and Divides Us, by Carol Hooven (2021)
Autism is a testosterone disorder. (See Baron-Cohen’s book about the male brain.) So it’s not surprising that Hooven’s research became too controversial for Harvard and she almost had to leave midway through her graduate program. People are terrified of the truth about autism, and in turn, terrified of the truth about testosterone. If Baron-Cohen is the one who shows that autism is a sex disorder, Hooven shows the implications of a world where sex matters way more than we’re admitting.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk (2015)
The core problem with autism is the trauma we experience from being raised by parents who don’t know they have autism. No one will put that in a book — not just yet. But it’s well-established in the research. Therefore, parents reading about autism need to first understand their own trauma. Then their mother and father’s trauma, and then how that trauma gets passed down to our own children. To stop the trauma pattern we need to understand it.
Gender-Equity Paradox in Competition: Evidence and Explanations by David Klinowski and Muriel Niederle (2024)
This is where autism research is right now. The gender-equity paradox is the phenomena that shows that when women feel financially and socially secure, they want to take care of children. The women who are the exception to this are more like men. This research ties together the decades of research about autism and testosterone to show why when there are two parents working, it’s only the autistic women who keep working after they have children.
Meanwhile, I’ve created 25 videos about research that is are well known in academia but too controversial for mainstream. These are the best practices you need to know in order to make a real, lasting difference for you and your family.
If you want to access the videos go here.
If you want a coaching session (where I’ll probably tell you that you and your whole family have autism) go here.
Thank you so much for your perspective and this list. I am really looking forward to reading all of these. I am not sure if I have autism. But I agree that if I do, my parents did too, and probably the people I really like being around. I have a lot of questions.
This makes me so happy! I really like hearing your thought process — where you are in your exploration of autism and how you see it rippling through your life.
Penelope
You MUST read and include The reason why I jump by Naoki Higashida
Interesting. I love that book. I think it might be more of a poem than a way for people to understand themselves. I also think it belongs on a reading list with Telepathy Tapes: amazing and groundbreaking about nonverbal autism. Maybe I’ll write that list next.
I hated The Body Keeps the Score. The author had to have been utterly traumatized as a kid in a highly religious family, and the book was her way of working through it. So much pain and anger were transmitted through her words.
Oooh. I’ve never heard anyone say that. But I get it. Question, though: can the book still be groundbreaking even if it’s written from trauma? I can’t really imagine anyone completely devoting their life to something wihtout that singularity being a result of some sort of trauma.
You’re certainly right.
Your writing about autism makes so much sense. I married into an autistic family (unknowingly) but everybody thinks it’s only one of the children that has autism. Once this child was diagnosed it all became clear to me why I felt such a disconnect at times. I believe that the parents and their siblings and most of the children have autism. I actually went to a therapist to try and figure things out. And she agreed with me that most family members I was talking about probably had autism. Including my husband and daughter. That made it all come together for me and I was able to deal wiith it and move on. And you are right, the female family members have zero worry for safety or financial security and are single parents. Wow. Once again you hit the nail on the head. I’m currently going through hormone changes and I’m learning all about hormones. It makes so much sense to me that autism would be a testosterone problem. Even in females. I have a first row seat to how all this plays out in real life.
One holiday when we were all sitting together and I once again felt a disconnect (besides one non family guest) I just stated kind of loudly during the middle of a conversation break ‘I think all of you have a touch of autism’.i couldn’t believe I did that for a moment, but I was curious. Guess what happened?
Nothing. Nothing happened. I got a surprised look from the guest but none of my husbands family reacted in a noticeable way. Some of them looked at me for a second and then went back to eating or whatever they were doing. No reaction or ‘wtf was that all about’ comment. I don’t think it even registered in their brains.
Autism is normal to them. They don’t see it cos ‘ that’s just how we are’.
I’m not sure it’s neuratypical to blurt it out though. Penelope has theories about people on the spectrum attracting eachother
Yes it’s an interesting situation. It may be normal to them but they’re not diagnosed so I was expecting some reaction. If you knew me you’d know that I like to call things what they are. This was sort of an experiment to see if anyone reacts at all. Pen makes so much sense when it comes to naming things the way they are as well. It has helped me so much to understand the autism brain. I think I myself might ‘have some ADHD actually. My husband and I are total opposites in so many ways.
You are correct I don’t know so can only go from your comments.
Autism and ADHD are on a spectrum and sometimes overlap. Even two people diagnosed with both /either can present differently due to so many variables. Its fascinating
I had only heard of Simon Baron Cohen because of you. Gabor Mat is interesting when it comes to trauma. Some people take it he means trauma causes ADHD / Autism not that trauma can make it worse( like everything else) . Some think he is similar to Louise L Hay. She is both revered and reviled for her work with Aids / HIV patients. She helped them but made money from it. People seem to have a problem especially if you are feeling with earning money from caring helping people