As a podcast guest I discuss: Am I optimistic or delusional?
I was a guest on Sarah and Meghan’s podcast last week and the most important topic I covered was that I lost 35 pounds. Check out that picture of the new, svelte me at parent’s weekend. (The semi-pained look on my face is becase I was promising I’ll separate my son’s PayPal from my bank account even though I have no plan for how.)
Today I filled out a form for the World Trade Center Health Registry. I receive a bunch of surveys each year. I have a fantasy that the Registry will be like the Framingham Heart Study — nurses who diligently filled out surveys throughout their adult lives. From those women we got scientific proof that cigarettes kill, but we also learned things like we become the people we hang out with. For example the nurses smoked if their friends did. (Later studies showed that even the timing of our first sexual encounters reflect that of our friends.)
I like to think the World Trade Center survivors will be as diligent as the nurses. After all, most people who were there on 9/11 had good-paying jobs. And while good-paying job does not mean you are pleasant (in fact it might mean you’re not) a good-paying job does mean you are likely to be able to fill out a survey on a routine basis.
Anyway, today’s survey was about optimism: did we stay depressed after 9/11 or did we go back to our happiness set point? I used to write about happiness set point pretty much constantly because it was shocking to me; not even losing both legs changes our natural tendencies toward (or away) from happiness. We just adjust.
That’s actually how I lost the 35 pounds so quickly. In the last few years I gained weight while everyone else was losing it on Ozempic. And it became clear that Ozempic is a wonder drug for all sorts of human ailments. I have human ailments. So I thought Ozempic gets cheaper every day and when my kids go to school I’ll go on Ozempic.
But our weight is just like our happiness in that we have a set point that we naturally gravitate to. And as soon as my kids were gone my body found its set point.
I say this knowing that scientists do not accept that there’s a weight set point. But as a weight optimist I choose to believe my body will always go back to thin. This is like me setting the alarm for 5am because I don’t want to stay up late finishing something. Who knows if I’ll really wake up early, but in the moment I believe I will because I’m a time optimist.
Wait. Is that optimistic or irresponsible? The two are very close. The cynical people are the realists, so where does that leave the optimistic people? Delusional, probably.
On the recent podcast Sarah and Meghan read me listener’s questions and I said the question the reader should have asked. At times my dismissiveness horrified Sarah and Meghan, but I dismissed that, because I think it’s fundamentally optimistic of me to be able to look in that dumpster fire of a question a find a gem that inspires us all to think more deeply about ourselves.
People aren’t used to getting real feedback. When we ask friends or family for feedback, they definitely have scathing things to say, but they don’t bother becaue what is the point of making a person upset?
The other type of feedback we get is from therapists whose whole business model is repeat customers, so they just tell us what will keep us coming back. The therapy model has an intrinsic conflict of interest.
So then we’re left with people who are too autistic to preserve someone’s good feelings toward them. That’s my specialty.
Not that it works out perfectly. A few weeks ago a woman I coached threw a fit and she told me she was going to file a complaint with my boss. I ignored that. Because I don’t have a boss. But then she sent the complaint to my son. Becuase that’s who she paid via PayPal. She told him the people he hires are too negative.
I love talking with Sarah and Meghan even though they think I’m poorly behaved on their podcast. I actually always try to be good natured and a team player — because I’m an optimist, and I think eventually they’ll want me as a friend.
I agree with you that people have a weight set point. Mine’s about 180. Right now I’m at 205. I’m comfort eating and drinking while the last of our kids fly the nest. Rather than dreading it, I’m eager for it. But they are struggling to build fully responsible lives and we’re pulling our hair out. So in the evenings we both eat and drink too much. Here’s hoping that when the kids are finally fully gone, just by being sensible we’ll both return to our normal weights.
This is a cautionary tale for me. Is there something that could have been done, in hindsight, to hasten the inevitable struggle to get to adulthood?
Penelope
For the ones struggling, the first thing that needed to happen was them having an engaged father who didn’t abandon the family. The damage done runs deep — far deeper than I could ever have imagined.
The second thing was the family getting counseling long ago to work through what happened and try to keep a positive self-concept.
The third thing, frankly, was their mom and me being a lot better at holding them accountable to personal responsibility. The line between helping and enabling can be very hard to see sometimes.
Ugh. This is crushing. It reads as completely true and like I have so much more parenting coming down the line. Thank you for sharing your experience – I always learn from you.
Penelope
Did you know during pregnancy, your body will generally gain the same amount of weight per pregnancy. My first gained over 40lbs, didn’t exercise and didn’t pay attention to what I ate. 2nd pregnancy, I tried so hard not to gain 40lbs again (ate well, exercised etc) to no avail. No other observation, interesting is all and thought you’d like to look that up.
I’ll listen to that podcast soon!! Never heard it f them, but know of you so worth a listen 😊
I didn’t know that about pregnancy. I remember the last month of the second kid I ate so much it was unbelievable. I think I was so tired I lost the will to moderate my eating. But I can’t remember how much weight I gained, so I am believing you that it will always be the same: interesting.
You need to do more podcasts.
I mean, I need you to do more podcasts.
I need to do them! I feel that. But I don’t know about doing it all by myself. I think podcasts work best as an edited conversation. That’s why I was thinking if Sarah and Meghan were my friends we could do it together. Also, if I did it with them then I wouldn’t need to do all the technical stuff because they’ve got that covered. So… I can dream….
Maybe you should try something with Meghan? Since Sarah left Special Place and they won’t be doing it anymore
I appreciate the suggestion. I asked Meghan to do a podcast with me the first time I met her. And then I asked again to do a podcast with both of them. But they didn’t want to.
Penelope
Wow. Hope that before you lost those 35 pounds no one wrote a blog post about how nothing you had to say was worth listening to, because you were so very fat.
Actually, I hope they did. I hope lots of people were as despicable toward you as you were toward that woman.
I’m not sure what you’re referring to. But we are finally treating being overweight like a medical condition. So you either lose weight yourself or take the medicine. It’s like any other medical condition: take medicine if you need help getting healthy.
I think very soon we will be done with the idea that it’s fine to be overweight. It’s not healthy.
Oh, I assumed you would know what I meant. If I’d ever said something so unspeakably cruel, I’d remember. My mistake. I was referring to your review of Leslie Bennetts’ book, which you dismissed out of hand because the author was, in your words “so incredibly fat.” You suggested that this woman had nothing worth saying on work or parenting, because of her weight.
https://allwomenstalk.com/ever-since-caitlin-flanagan-unleashed-her-notoriou/
Can’t link to the blog post, since you deleted it.
As for your strawman argument about whether being overweight is healthy, I didn’t say it was. And if that was all you had said, I’d have no problem with you. But you wrote off this person entirely, suggesting she was worthless, because you didn’t approve of her weight. Again, despicable.
I think that post is about 15 years old. I don’t know why you’re commenting about it now, but I do want to say that the piece you linked to puts me in the same category as Caitlin Flanagan, so that makes me really happy.
Penelope