How to wean yourself from extreme parenting
While lurking in a Duke University discussion group I read that freshmen who have the most trouble adjusting are those who are delusional about being pre-med and those who never learned to write. The homeschooler in me finds a second wind: I tell Z we’re writing a paper every day until I drop him off at Duke.
1. Accept that penchant for extremes is genetic
Love of reading and writing is genetic, so I didn’t focus a lot on those areas. The worse your executive function is at birth, the more time you’ll spend reading. And autistic visual-spatial skills give way to strong writing skills. So Z’s genetics are golden for reading and writing. I only need to teach the expected format.
Each night Z reads his paper to me and Nino before dinner.
Tonight he reads: “In the Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood uses science fiction techniques to bring controversial political topics to light by way of noir fantastique.”
I interrupt: “Wait. Stop. You can’t just have ChatGPT write your paper.”
Nino says, “That is way too convoluted for ChatGPT to have written.”
Z stares at us, then says, “I’m not taking AI advice from generation typewriter. You want to do something good with my last weeks before college? Two words: NBA playoffs.”
I consider suggesting that after we watch the game he could write a paper about it.
2. Recognize extreme parenting in others to see it in yourself
Instead I turn to reddit to distract myself from my new role as an almost-empty nester. Not just r/Duke. Also r/homeschooling and r/homeschoolingrecovery. I import r/homeschoolrecovery commentary to r/homeschool. I want parents to know that education neglect is serious and kids who were homeschooled are talking about it. The homeschool parents ignore me at first. So I get more aggressive. Then they downvote me to hell and I have to delete my comments so my reddit profile doesn’t make me look like an Internet troll.
I raise my profile on reddit by posting pictures of my old apartment on r/drawing. People appreciate my reckless abandon with a Sharpie and I get back all the karma points I lost in r/homeschooling. I want parenting to work this way, where views and likes and reddit karma add up to assurance that I did okay.
3. Instead of trying to change who you are, use your life of extremes for good
I tell myself I cannot go on reddit anymore and I must uninstall the app. After one more look. I see 3x-mit-mom is a new username. It turns out she is selling a book for how to homeschool your kid to get into MIT. She got three kids into MIT by taking them in and out of school. It’s a brilliant plan, really. Take kids out in 6 and 7th grade to get ahead. Put them back in 8th to score super high on high school placement tests. Take them out in junior year of high school to compete in national contests. Put them back senior year to rank super high as public school kids.
I don’t need to buy the book. I get it. I should just sell that plan. But the only parents who would really execute on that plan would be the type of parent that cannot tell the difference between their kids achievements and their own.
Good parenting happens somewhere in between obsessive neglect of drawing on the wall and blind enmeshment of calling oneself 3x-mit-mom. I wish I was in that somewhere-in-between-spot, but I’m so attracted to extremes.
We are walking the dog and Z is looking for four-leaf clovers. Z says, “There should be an app for this.”
My first thought is, My child is a genius. He’ll be okay. My second thought is, There’s probably already an app.
He downloads the app and minutes later he has a four-leaf clover. He says, “Do you want to touch it for good luck?”
After years of parenting I realize my instinct is to say no to everything. But what is the point of saying no? So I touch.
He asks, “What did you wish for?
I say, “I wished that you do well in college.”
“Mom, you made that wish? I feel sorry for you.”
I say, “I’d give you all my wishes.”
He says, “I wished that the Mavericks win tonight.”
I don’t have much to say, so I will fill the comment space silence, to spark thought, with various factoids:
As a grammar book might say regarding acronyms being spelled out the first time they are used, there are new babies being born every minute who don’t know what r/ means. I had trouble looking it up. It means ask reddit about.
An app for finding four leaf clovers? I’d rather not know. Because it was part of the magic of childhood.
I like the writing exercises part. As an old geezer, I advise “kids” that if you can write (or sell) then you will always have a job. The CEO of a major realty firm (towers and lots) told me with distaste that none of his new hires know how to write a letter.
In the movie Handmaid’s Tale they dance to 1980’s music (when the movie was made) and say it is nostalgia music. I don’t remember anymore how much the book version is noir.
If you like arthouse music videos, the hero of the Handmaid TV version, Elizabeth Moss, is the star of a five minute video for the tune On The Nature of Daylight by Hans Zimmer.
That’s some seriously guerilla Redditing you did there. Respect.
Thanks. I was pretty happy myself. But then I thought to myself, why am I not learning everything about Substack? Why am I not learning everything about how to fix all the broken stuff on my website? Me obsessing over reddit is probably my latest version of fiddling while Rome burns.
I wouldn’t advise a parent to homeschool their kid to get into MIT or any other desirable institution of higher learning by taking them in and out of school. It may increase their chances of being accepted but at what cost? It seems to me the result would be a childhood too hectic and disruptive for these kids to meet the standards of the next phase of their education. I think a more stable and predictable social life with their friends coupled with their preferred method of education would be more beneficial to them.
I agree, Mark. The impact this plan would have on the kids socially sure doesn’t look like it outweighs the other benefits.
Lovely essay. I have in the past felt the same pull/repulsion to posting in the comments to your blog. Especially when it comes to parenting we care so much it can hurt.
I came today just to share this article that reminded me of you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/lifetime-connections/202407/misdiagnosed-bpd-or-autism-spectrum-disorder-asd
“Generation Typewriter” !! 🤣🤣🤣