Questionnaire for everyone who stopped talking to me
I’ve developed a survey to give to people who slipped me into their not-friend category. Since I’m a person with no ability to cope with nuance, answers to all questions are yes/no.
1. Were you ever my real friend? I want to know if you needed me like I needed you, but I don’t want to ask in person because it’s pathetic to have an uneven relationship. So please write yes or no so I can tell if the whole thing was doomed from the start.
2. Are you the one who disappeared? Just checking because maybe you think I’m the one who disappeared. I do really dislike having to talk to people regularly in order to maintain a friendship, so maybe I missed a few too many volleys.
3. Am I overreacting? Perhaps you moved me from your invite-once-a-year list to your Christmas-card-only list which is not really a huge demotion. But maybe I didn’t noticed that I had already been demoted once before.
4. Have you move from a paying to non-paying friend? I ask because it’s so much easier for me to be friends if you are paying me; I try harder to be reasonable.
5. Does it bother you that I play one song 200 times? Please be specific about this problem: is it the song or the number of times? Just FYI, I know I have said that I won’t budge on eating the same food every day. But I’m flexible on which song I play on repeat.
6. Did I embarrass you with my clothing? Not guaranteeing I would have changed if you asked me, but I did stop wearing the bunny ears outside my apartment. I guess what I meant to say is that changing clothes every day feels like overkill.
7. Have I exceeded the socially acceptable number of times to cancel plans? I’m thinking I’m okay on this one. In my mind I only change plans in an emergency, like moving your birthday lunch to a day when I can stay in bed and stress about it all morning.
8. Are you sick of hearing about my to do list? Believe me, I’m sick of it, too. I had an idea to put really easy things on it to see if that would motivate me. But I could barely motivate myself to rewrite the list.
9. Did my instability get to you? So many people think I’m similar to them, and then they get to know me and they realize that actually, reading my sporadic blog posts is the exact right amount of time to be interacting with me.
10. Do you think I’m an incompetent dog owner? People have told me they can’t walk my dog with me because I’m oblivious to dog decorum. The truth is I am probably not the best dog owner. But everyone who has ever said I’m terrible with my dog has, in my eyes, been terrible with their kids. So be careful when you answer this question.
11. I’m sorry I can’t stop telling you everything I notice about your life choices. It’s my Tourette’s. Or something. Were you unable to appreciate my gift for seeing the worst in everyone?
12. Did I interrupt your stories to tell you that I relate to you by telling a story about me? Don’t say yes or no to interrupting. I already know. Can you just tell me if you like my stories?
You are so smart it is scary. Now I definitely want to pay you to be a friend and to tell me the worst about myself
I’ll think about it plus do some math
This is great. I stopped talking because I’m overwhelmed with my own life and because my needs have changed with following your content. Thank you for sharing this example of how to get to the bottom of things with friends. I too miss nuance and need things spelled out clearly like this. Will keep this in my back pocket. Hope you are well. Wishing you all the best!
We aren’t friends. I only read your writing. But I think I would be your friend if you lived down the street or something. Youre pretty funny.
Your comment makes me happy. Though I confess that sometimes I wonder if it feels more peaceful to me to imagine that people would be my friend than to actually have people as friends.
Oh it’s way more peaceful. Just like we want confirmation that people want to have sex with us, but we’re simultaneously planning to never have sex with anyone ever again.
Yes we are (were?) real friends. I’m the one who disappeared, pretty sure you know why but feel free to ask. I still love your stories, they transformed my life and thus the lives around me.
Can I just say how much I relate to this? Something is happening in the world right now that’s making people lose friends at an accelerated rate.
I think this is meant to be satire but it hit a nerve. I missed the volleys and that’s why I everyone I know is now an aqaintence .
I’m trying more with the paying friends.
As in me paying people I like with skills I don’t have to help me
i like your stories, they are good, you sound like the me I wish I could be. Maybe one day.
People who pay you are not real friends. You can have interesting interactions and a friendly relationship, but you are not friends. If you develop a truly close friendship with someone who pays you, that person will expect that relationship to continue once they stop paying you. If you stop putting effort into the relationship because the person no longer pays you, the person will demote you as a “friend,” which then leads to a decline in the relationship until it’s nonexistent.
Hmmm. I see it differently. Penelope is being very transparent about what it takes to focus her attention on someone. When someone is as immersed in abstract ideas as she is, it’s like the world in real life doesn’t really exist. It’s all happening in her head. If you don’t think this way, it makes no sense. Money is a fabulous way for someone like this to tether to the real world. Work is the way to make real life sorta work and indulge in all the delicious thinking that someone like that really wants to do. Another aspect is that if someone is paying you to talk to them, they prioritize topics that are interesting or hard problems to solve. You would never be bothered by someone calling you to talk about the weather or how the birthday party went. Because, who cares? Let’s talk about why birthdays for kids have become such giant displays over the past 30 years. Why don’t people just have family over for cake and call it good anymore? You see, it’s very taxing for other people to constantly take their small talk and turn it into giant philosophical or analytic rabbit holes. Paying for it means both parties know exactly what they are going to get from the interaction. I guarantee if you used to pay Penelope for being your friend but stopped, and then offered to pay her again, she would happily accept as if nothing had changed between you. I suspect you have lived in her mind as an abstract concept since she last spoke with you. You never went away LOL she just doesn’t have you on her calendar at the moment. To color in the quality of the relationship with more normal expectations is to miss the magic of Penelope.
Now, I do think there is a way to be friends with Penelope without paying her but 95% of the population wouldn’t recognize it as a friendship. The ante is to be very, very interesting. And patient with chaos. And willing to bird dog her and seduce her into hearing about your cool ideas so she can tell you how wrong they are without it hurting your feelings.
I should probably pay Penelope to be my friend LOL.
This is so nice, Markie. Thank you for understanding me.
Penelope
Excellent analysis of both the culture and the feelings of “crap, maybe it was me.” I think it’s ok to see/talk to/text/email your friends only periodically. And I try to look at demotion as inadvertent. Then again I’m a half full kind of gal when it comes to hearing about other people’s pain. If someone is excluding me, however, they are definitely acting out of malice (smile emoji) I often am the one to reach out which means by definition many of my friends are delighted to hear from me and apologize for not reaching out. I don’t mind. I’m more needy that way.
Some relationships only get work if you need to resuscitate them. It’s hard to keep friends and a job and be even remotely in touch with world events and have any responsibilities at home. Only so much emotional energy to go around.
Thank you for understanding! I am happy that you read the questionnaire as cultural analysis. I like your cultural analysis as well.
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. No
4. No
5. No
6. Tiny bit
7. No
8. No
9. No
10. No
11. Yes
12. Yes
💕
Don’t you know everybody has survey fatigue? 😉
LOL
I’ve been following your blog loosely for a very long time, I was an unschooler too. And then I found out you were on the spectrum just like me! I get all the struggles. At the same time I’ve moved past my self diagnoses. We have to learn how to operate in the world, yes we may have to put on a mask and watch our mouth but it is worth it because we have to see things from other people’s perspective too. I was bad at perspective taking. I wanted to tell people all about their faults and how to fix them. You can’t have relationships like that. You can still be ‘yourself’ but with compassion and learning to love others. Being caught up in my own little world was hell.
I’ve been a long-time reader/follower of your blogs {#1, probably not] who used to pay you until I didn’t lol [#4]. Part of the reason for the latter is I did get peeved with some of your ideas/beliefs on top of feeling that I had “paid back” what I felt that I owed you (yeah, I am very often transactional in my dealings with people). I tried reaching out to you once via email, but your server kept rejecting me (#2, which I interpreted as you disappearing). It’s okay (#4), I get that. I missed you. Then I started getting emails about your posts again. Which made me realize how much I missed you. You’re funny, direct, honest, and prescient.
This reply shocked me — about you reaching out and me rejecting you. Because I have always answered every single email. So I did some investigating and I see that my email address at quistic stopped working. I’m sure I broke it and didn’t realize it. But anyway, I wouldn’t have known if you didn’t post this comment. So thank you. And also I’m sorry to who-knows-how-many people didn’t get a reply from me when they used that email address.
Going to fix it ASAP.
1. No. (I don’t know you so I couldn’t actually claim to be but I’m going to pretend we were friends to answer the rest.)
2. Yes. (I’m sorry I do this all the time. I find maintaining friendships draining. The friends I cherish have little more notion that I cherish them than the friends I give up on. If you disappeared, I might not even suspect it was you.)
3. I don’t know. (see the last answer)
4. No. I can’t afford you. I will forever be a non-paying friend.
5. No. I find this quite charming. I think of you whenever I hear the song.
6. No. The only way you could embarrass me with your clothing is to wear something with grotesque odors or in exceptionally poor repair. Everything you wear ranges from acceptable to very nice. I’m not a fashion critic & quite frankly as long as your clothing doesn’t offend my senses, I’m not overly concerned with what you wear.
7. Yes. I’m very sensitive about my schedule. I make time for you because I value your company. I don’t like feeling so unimportant that you constantly reschedule on me.
8. No. I thoroughly enjoy hearing about your to do list. It gives me ideas.
9. Yes, but it’s who you are and I accept you.
10. No idea. I love dogs. But I will never have another one again. They are as big of a responsibility as a child and I’m done raising children. You’re not abusing your dog so the rest is none of my concern.
11. No. It’s why I like you. If I don’t like something you say, I chalk it up to our cultural differences or something I need to work on.
12. Yes.
Really, the reason is that I’m just not that pleasant of a human being. I’m doing you a favor 🙂
Always a fan since your first blog. Please don’t change. The world needs you because you often say (write) things we might think but cannot conceptualize into words. Thanks for ALL that you do. Truly.
That’s so nice. Thanks.
This was a bit wild, because I’ve written the same email. Unsent. Mine was shorter, same gist.
So now I have to reply.
You and I had a call lined up. At great cost to me (financially & logistically).
You didn’t bother answering on the first 2 dates we planned. Those dates involved commuting to my office in the city on a Sunday to make the international call.
The third attempt you responded. 1 hr after the call time.
In hindsight I’m mind blown that I persisted. But I’m like that I guess. You made the call from a car, while travelling with others, semi-distracted for the entirety and told me that my job was a sham, it was an autistic excuse to hide from school mums, before even asking me what I did. I tuned out assuming you were a lunatic and made polite noises for the 20 mins thereafter.
I went home and said you wouldn’t believe the nut job I just paid.
Fast forward 6 months I realised I indeed am autistic, my job was a ruse to escape socialising and so many life facts made sense.
Had you been even slightly pleasant or shouted less I could have absorbed your words of wisdom and grasped so much more from the call. It doesn’t matter. I accept your nightmare personality, and I’d happily talk again, this time I’d shout back. I absolutely appreciate your words. Thankyou.
I love this comment. I have found that most people do not believe me when they’re on the phone with me. I try to remember that when people have told me very true things that I don’t want to be true, my first reaction was thinking the person is wrong as well.
Late to the party. Got the survey email, refreshed myself on you, your site and Quistic. I’m back.
This post inspired me to write a survey…
Dear Friend: Please complete our Communication Preference Survey
I’m so happy you’ve agreed to be my friend. Thank you! I couldn’t do it without you.
To make sure we’re on the same page and to avoid miscommunication in the future, please confirm your preferences per the ground rules below:
1. Should I wait until you send me the first email? Or should I demonstrate my ‘off the charts’ executive functioning skills and text that info now – done! Also, how many emails am I allowed to send before getting a response? 3? 3.5?
2. Do you want me to ping ping ping you anytime something random and bizarre pops into my head? Or would you prefer I bundle into one summary email? Sent every-so-often or daily?
3. How late are you up, typically? And is your phone muted?
4. Do you want to hear about my day? Yes/No. If not daily, please note frequency.
5. Do you want me to wish you a happy birthday? Gmail has this really cool new feature where I can set it up once and it sends you a happy bday message every year!
6. A lot of bad shit happens to me – and often. Can I depend on you to be there for me? I’d just like to confirm up-front so as to avoid getting hurt later.
7. To be fair, a lot of great things happen to me too! I can’t wait to share them with you! Would you like to hear them?
8. I apologize in advance if I miss an email – please resend. If you don’t receive a Xmas card from me – well – you can stop resending. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us. But hey, you’ll always have my birthday well-wishes.
9. Speaking of Xmas cards, while I can’t put a personal note on every correspondence, please know in advance that I pray for a blessed holiday season for each and every one of you.
A perfect companion to the first questionnaire! I love it.
Very sweet <3
1. No – just a reader/commenter or over a decade
2. No
3. Yes
4. No – in fact I have been reading/interacting LESS because it seems like you were requiring “friends” to give you money
5. No
6. No
7. No
8. Yes – and your failed relationships, and how difficult your life is. We all have shit
9. No – but yes to the secondary statement
10. No
11. No
12. Sometimes
I don’t personally know you, but…
7. The socially acceptable amount is 100% – we can both feel good for making plans, and then relieved that we don’t actually have to carry them out.
12. Isn’t this what conversations are? #alsoautistic
I unsubscribed from your blog because your posts got boring for the reasons you already mentioned–you haven’t been posting fresh perspectives. I took a few classes with you, but lately they’ve been targeting women in their 50s. I used to love your writings but you’ve become out of touch with my age group. And your writing classes have become very Feelingsy which feels gross to me. You’ve become a blogger for post menopausal women.
🤣🤣🤣 So excellent. In my mind we are *awesome* friends. 😍
I don’t know if the deep relationship I had with you in my head was mutual or a series of one-offs. You have given me bad advice that really was bad advice, called me autistic, which is true-ish but not diagnostically possible, and completely ignored me after I couldn’t make a one-time call for a community I thought you were creating and to which you invited me personally. You also previously never called me when I wanted to give you advice.
I still like you. I looked you up just now because I was thinking about what originally drew me to you, which was your ability to have a miscarriage in public while continuing to perform well in public. I cant perform like that in public anymore. Now I have to hide and gather my resources.
Anyway I think you’re great.
I invited you to a group because it seemed like you didn’t believe advice coming from me; I thought you might appreciate advice more if you heard it from a group. I’m like that too — advice feels different coming from a group of people than one person.
You can actually see this happening in real time in the comments on this blog. There are some times when I am making a mistake and I don’t see it until there are 30 people telling me in the comments. If one person told me I could brush them off as an outlier. Most of us really hate being part of a group, but those are the people who benefit most from hearing feedback from a group.
Penelope
I had a call with you that you missed the first 2 times. You were rude, dismissive, and gave dangerous advice during a time in my life I was extremely vulnerable. I was flabbergasted and felt sick, extremely sad and even more hopeless after the call. Luckily I realized you’re dangerously mentally unstable and maybe you’re a mean person. You take no responsibility for the damage you cause, and you can’t manage your own life. I learned from that experience and I still enjoy reading this dumpster fire of a blog. You should definitely not be a dog owner.
I thought we were friends and if not immediately that we would be.
I thought you were a breath of fresh air then I thought you were a hurricane
In autistic style, I’m going to relate to your post with stuff about me. But maybe others can relate.
I’ve gone through this cycle for a while as an autistic adult. It’s easier for me to not have friends, but when I was younger I had a lot of friends. Part of me misses it, and part of me doesn’t. I now really only consider my close family to be my “friends,” and my husband. Sometimes I think about people I knew 15 years ago and still call them “friends,” but we haven’t spoken since.
My family are the people I still invest massive amounts of effort to be around and make memories, because we’re connected already and that just makes it easier. I can also be less formal around them, which helps. Some people in my family are not the greatest and are probably not my “friend” and my husband doesn’t get why I value family in this way. He doesn’t really understand that it’s because I can’t keep up regular friendships. So, when I visit home I’ll hang out with my toxic relative, or catch up with extended family member that doesn’t really care about me, it’s mostly because it’s what I can manage.
I do miss having real friends, but I also go through the new-friend cycle. I find someone who could be a friend, get really excited, and creep them out and overwhelm them. Or the other thing that happens is I try so hard to not bug my new friend, or eff up communication with them that they think I’m not interested.
I’ve resorted to going out by myself to “be among people.” I think that’s all I can really handle. This requires the effort of getting dressed, showered, makeup, select outfit, get to the place where I’m going to be, and then all I do while I’m there is go to the nearest coffee shop, open my laptop, and surf the net or do work. I tell myself I’ll go pretend to be a normal person doing normal things among normal people. It helps a little, but then I get home and think I’d rather have watched netflix. I usually feel better for the sunshine and the exercise, but part of me misses working in an office where I have relationships built in. Then again, do people really care about their coworkers? I have never stayed friends with any coworkers.
I lived with my husband before we got married, so he knew what he was signing up for avec le autisme. But sometimes I have these thoughts where I wonder if there was a point where he went…. OH.
Anyway, those are some thoughts from a stranger after reading your survey.
I love how you articulate relating to family vs relating to friends. You are so blunt and clear and I feel the same ways, but do not say it that clearly. Family really is very valuable to autistic people because we are so bad at maintaining close friends. But also we underestimate how much family means becuase it’s not logical.
I loved your opening. It hard for me to even figure out a way to reply to ANYONE without relating it to myself.
Penelope