How to choose an apartment
I don’t make Nino pay child support and I pay him back for almost all the money he spends when he’s with the kids. He just sent me an accounting for all the times I haven’t paid him back in 15 years. I owe him $8540. I told him he has to wait because I’m currently being evicted from an apartment I love, and if I kill myself over being evicted and people see I just paid Nino they might think I killed myself because of him.
He laughed because he knows I know he wouldn’t care. Anyway, don’t worry about the eviction. I mean, worry a little, okay, because my rent is $5000/month. We can both worry a little together maybe, since obviously Nino is not worried, but I have things under control. It’s just a cashflow glitch — that might crush someone without my superhuman dissociation capabilities.
I go to CVS to cope. I buy Cookie Brownie Bar Mix because I am a mature adult now and I’m on Vyvanse and Topiramate, both approved by the FDA for bulimia, so I have things totally under control. I’m buying scientifically determined (by me) perfect food to avoid binging. The mix has two packets, one for the brownie and one for the chocolate chip cookies. So you can ration yourself.
Monday I got the letter from the landlord’s lawyer. It reminded of the kind of letter that Mr. Rogers used to open. They came to my door, knocked, and I said (to my dog), “Oh! Who’s at the door?” And then, there it was the little package of court documents that says: You’re fucked.
I wish I could make a trade with the law firm for SEO or something. I miss the go-go 2010s when BMO Harris Bank paid for a link on my blog without caring that I was social media non-grata because of a recent post. Anyway, not only does the law firm not care about backlinks, they also don’t care about phone calls. I know because they didn’t return mine. I mean, why would they? We will meet in court.
Did I ever tell you about the only time Nino took me to court? Nino had a huge stack of papers. I had nothing. The judge asked me why I didn’t bring anything. I said, “We don’t need to be here so I have nothing to say.” She asked Nino to explain why we were there. Then she yelled at him for a full five minutes for wasting her time. Maybe five hundred minutes. The amount of time doesn’t matter because this is not relevant except to explain the genesis of my courtroom hubris.
I open the chocolate chip cookie mix and eat the chips. Then I stand up and put the packets in the box and put the box in the cupboard like a high-functioning self-loving person. And then I make a list of the things I need to do to make sure I don’t get evicted.
I know you’re thinking it’s a little late for that. But the building manager has been so nice. And anyway, people have thought I’m past the point of no return so many times. And I’m not. Yet.
When we first looked at this apartment, on the 24th floor, I saw the windows could open. Like, for real open. My great grandparents bought a condo in John Hancock Center when it was built in 1969. There were huge window seats built around the whole edge of the interior to keep you from feeling like you’d walk to your death. You didn’t live so close to windows then. Now windows invite you to your death.
So I did a sanity check: Would I kill myself if I had an open invitation when I got out of bed every day? I thought: Nah. And then I thought: Look! I just made the assumption that I’d get out of bed every day! This apartment is great for me!
Ugh. Sorry to hear this is happening. You can do hard things. Maybe a better apartment is available right now and the universe needs you to let go of this one? I know it’s Boston but 5000$ is a lot.
Thanks for saying it so nicely, Dajana. I think about this. I was thinking maybe I could just stay here til Z goes to college so he doesn’t have to move again. We’ll see….
Penelope
Jesus christ! How can I help you??
Don’t do it. Get out of town for a week. I still love you, and so so thousands of people who are in your life right now.
Liza, that’s really nice of you. You’re a good friend. I had to think for a second to realize what you meant by your comment. I am not going to kill myself. It would ruin my kid’s lives. I didn’t mean to be alarmist. I love my kids too much to do that.
Penelope
Hi, P. Your use of and made me feel I was reading Cormac McCarthy. Damn fine stuff! :)
Please. Remain strong. I’ve followed you for a decade. I’m desperate for you to win. We love you.
Also, I have some money that I can contribute to you. Just send me your cash App. It’s not a lot.
What? This is so unexpected. I’m touched. I mean, I don’t even know what to say. I have to go take a shower or walk the dog or do something to think. I’ll be back. Thank you.
Penelope
Please post a CashApp link so some of us across the globe with a little extra can pour into you.
+1
A little bit from your followers may make the difference. Zelle link too. <3
Why doesn’t Nino pay child support, and why in the world are you reimbursing him? You need a better lawyer.
I’ve always wondered about who could actually afford these insane rents. 5k a month?? What do they do for a living? Asking for myself cuz that’s a sh*t ton of money just to be giving somebody. So I’m wondering what their job is that they can afford that. I live in a not so cheap area myself so I understand wanting to live somewhere safe & nice that you love.
I’m sure it’ll all work out for you (and for me). Hope you were able to get a breather.
Happy holidays!
Ummm. OK. I’m happy to learn (from your earlier comments) that you’re not actually suicidal, having lost a friend to that illness not long ago. This was upsetting to read. I have a bit of money burning a hole in my pocket. I’m off to make a donation to my local chapter of the suicide prevention help line.
I’m sorry that things are tough for you now.As you have said in other posts you have survived everything thus far.It’s interesting you grew up with money but not money management. I re read read your blueprint for a woman, I bought a book about called ‘Babyprofing Your marriage’.It claimed the top 3 things couples fought about money ,sex or housework.Your has in laws instead of houework.I had to let go of housework & pay for some extra help the odd time.It turned into such a thing when I brought it up.We did row about him saying negative things about my family around my daughter. He hates some of them because he thinks they treated me badly.I shut up. I want peace and not to leave.Money our bills are paid ,he owns his house outright.Sex ,feels like another thing on the list now.No fights about it
I like the idea of the apartment reassured you of your sanity.Sometimes it really is enough to get out of bed.The idea of dying ,not looking like a suicide,crosses my mind.I think it would be worse for my children if they thought I did it.It’s more a notions that I’m more a hindrance than a help to them.I love them but hate that my deficits affect them.I buy stuff instead of doing lots of experiences.A mom I know is the opposite. Her husband was found dead.They don’t know if it was accidental.She goes out of her way to take her two kids to things.Encourages them to join sports and does stuff like a day trip to Belfast.Thats hours of driving from where we are.Part of me is jelouse of her decisivness and ability to drive everywhere
I’m ashamed of thinking like this.
What course ,e- book ,evergreen ,inexpensive thing can you sell lots of to make money quick? I’m thinking of Denise DT and Leonie D.
I hope you a get a reprieve.I’m glad people are not being mean in the comments.It’s so easy to see others mistakeand tell them what to do.When it’s yourself it’s more emotive and you can make illogical excuses to keep doing what you are doing
Your posts are such a beacon of light on this dreary rock. Thank you for being you and giving yourself to us unconditionally. P.S. If you take yourself out over the rent sitch, we (the fans) will avenge you by taking down your landlord.
Is it just the lower panel of those windows that opens? And is it all four panels or just the second from the left?
That would provide fresh air without being too drafty.
I hope you are ok. It sounds like you need a girlfriend round to chew the fat with and to do some of the things that help level things out for you. For me it’s lying down reading cookery books. I don’t cook them I just read them (Nigella’s “Feast” is my go to). It does look lovely the apartment but it probably is a bit pricey rent wise anyway.
Patreon? I’ve paid you for stuff but get loads of interestingness for free from your blog.
Oh. That’s a good idea. I have Patreon. And there are a few years of monthly posts there. So you can all sign up there. I’ll get the money immediately and I’ll be happy that you’re getting something too. And the most recent post is really good. So that’s a good thing to do. Everyone should sign up for my Patreon and you can pay what you want and then cancel before you get charged again.
Here’s the link:
https://www.patreon.com/penelopetrunk
Thank you!
Penelope
Yay,link isn’t working but when you fix it we can all help xxx
Okay Fixed it. Thanks.
_P
What would you tell someone you’re coaching who makes the same mistakes year after year, decade after decade? You seem to have really leaned in to being horrible with money, assumed it as an identity. But if you’re self aware, it’s easy to fix. So and as this goes on decade after decade, one has to assume you’re self inducing this situation (consciously or not) and repeating the same bad choices. Why?
That’s a good question. I think about this a lot. Like, way more than you could imagine. I have a lot to write about it. I’m getting there. That said, I coach people like me a lot, and I tell them every time that it comes from putting yourself where you think you belong. And I tell them I know so well because I’m like them, and that everyone like us has to work really hard to tell ourselves it’s not where we belong.
Penelope
It’s so hard to get out of cycles when you think you belong there.It’s habit and it feels familiar.I go through cycles of having money / saving and then spend it down.I pay my bills but it’s like I think I don’t deserve a cushion. If it’s for something for my kids I can do it though.Is it a scarcity mindset or executive dysfunction? Maybe both.Things to work on.Very smart people stupid mistakes in a loop.It’s so hard to see ourselves.
Are you getting there? Thinking the problem is a subconscious desire to give yourself a shitshow life is superficial and actually is a scapegoat to avoid internalizing that your conscious manner of thinking is the problem, a manner of thinking that isn’t exclusive to how you spend money. Choosing to spend what you can’t afford is a conscious choice. That idea, that your world view and thinking is faulty, could invalidate most of your life and work and affront your ego in a way subconscious desires don’t.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s subconscious. If it were subconscious then I wouldn’t be able to write about it lucidly enough for you to diagnose me :)
Penelope
I manually typed it and have started at the firts tier.I had forgotten you had it- postcards from Penelope reminded me.https://www.patreon.com/penelopetrunk/posts
Have you considered relocating? We moved to a very affordable part of NY state. Very close to higher education for our LO. No regrets.
I only check in every few months, so I may have missed something over the years?
Why are you paying money to Nino?
Is he a loser?
Anyway, hang in there and good luck!
Hi, Penelope,
I check in on your posts every so often – you were one of the people who made me realize I could be an autistic women, before I later received my actual diagnosis, when I was 30. I am also a college-educated, divorced mom of two boys, one of which is also autistic. I am also a survivor of prolonged childhood abuse/trauma and have cPTSD/dissociation.
When I saw what happened with your second marriage, I determined I would not get in another relationship just for financial security/material benefit. I live in a crappy apartment, but I am doing well and my children are doing well. I am trying to get across that you have likely had a positive effect on many different people over the years, without even realizing just how many, both by spreading knowledge of autism in women, and in allowing people to learn from your candid portrayal of your life experiences.
What do you think about just not paying Nino the money he is insisting you owe him? The time and mental load that women put into their children also has value, and I really don’t think you owe him that money.
Also, and this may be easier said than done, considering there is so much instability in our lives, from the nature of living in this society/this time period, but I think it would be ok if you had to live in a crappy apartment for a while. I would imagine it might hurt at first, since you were so financially successful in the past, and your current apartment might have been one of the last remnants of that type of success, but there are so many of us out here rooting for you to find peace.
“i don’t make Nino pay child support and I pay him back for almost all the money he spends when he’s with the kids.”
why? aren’t they his kids? is he unemployed? if so, then he can take them to the park and talk to them for free. your kids need the money you earn. not nino. pay him back if you must after they are grown up.
Yeah, that’s what I’ll be doing — paying him back when they’re grown up. It’s tricky to have a dad who can’t handle all the aspects of being a dad. It’s in my kids’ best interests if I help him to connect with them. The kids will just have more trauma down the line if I leave all the relationship shortcomings of their dad to pile up during their childhood.
I think probably the thing I did best, of all my parenting, was help the kids have a relationship with their dad even as he pushed away constantly. Today they can easily see everything I had to do and they are grateful.
Penelope
Is Nino autistic too?
Of course! I don’t think I ever even went on a date with someone neurotypical.
Penelope
It hadn’t occurred to me before. But the way you two have agreed he should behave in this case seems so bizarre to me that I figured that must be the reason. To my non-autistic mind, it seems like making a rule for the sake of having a rule, even if the rule makes things worse. But if they’re both autistic, then I guess maybe it makes sense to them too. If they weren’t it might seem to them – as it may seem to some of your non-autistic readers – like he’s a deadbeat dad who refuses to support them when he can.
Vyvanse is EXTREMELY helpful for writing (since it’s pure-D amphetamine)