The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
As I was reading your post I was also reading about this police officer who died tonight after responding to a domestic disturbance call:
http://www.startribune.com/local/136459938.html
He had three children. This kind of violence extends far and wide, and affects all. Me, too.
Your mileage may vary of course, but I got laid off from my high-pay high-stress very demanding job and couldn’t find another one like it, so I ended up working as a clerk in a nursing home. It has been really good for me. I have to clock in at exactly 8, out at exactly 5. I take my lunch at the same time every day. I have varied tasks that keep me really busy. I work with a whole lot of caring nurturer types (as opposed to before when I worked with competetive business types and socially awkward geeks) and my social skills have really really improved.
The routine grounds me. I’m way over-qualified and I’m the best fucking clerk they’ve ever had, but I think I’m going to stay there. I was finally able to quit taking my meds and have been better without them. No incidents.
Get a routine. Keep busy. Work on formulaic socialization. It’s great therapy.
Also, I really regret homeschooling my kids. It did not work out so well for them.
Is there anything you need?
Can I help?
Get out get out GET OUT! Run like you have never ran before!
I have been in your shoes. The farmer is sick no amount of counseling will cure him. He could very well be psychopath or a sociopath.
I had red flags pop up. They were bigger and bigger and I chose to ignore them. Until something so awful happened that I clearly see how mentaly sick this person is. I refuse to have contact with him and will call the police if he contacts me repeatedly. Your farmer sounds like he gains joy from giving you pain. RUN!!!!!!!
Aw you sound like you are crying while you write this. You have very toned legs though! Glass half way full :D
Hi Penelope,
I try to avoid doing anything on the computer on the weekends, but I was sitting in bed thinking about your situation, and I had to respond now.
You have helped me, way, way more than you might ever know, with you blog, personal emails and more. I miss you.
I miss your posts. I thought you might be on vacation. I had no idea that your current situation is as it is.
I sent you a desperate email this past year. I felt trapped. You responded almost immediately. You told me (quite bluntly, with a later more gentle response) to leave a really bad work situation. I appreciate the blunt response. I can’t believe in retrospect how much of a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem, it took, for me to convince myself to remain in that situation–I should have left MONTHS ago! It took me a few months after our interaction to get up the nerve (and maybe more?), but I did eventually leave. And I thank you. I am trying to get back to where I was confidence-wise before this situation, and while I am not there yet, I know that I will be soon. I am so much happier and while I am not sure what the future will bring, I know it will be ok.
The obvious advice is that you should do the same for your current situation. I feel that in many ways though that for personal circumstances, this is not easy. I’ve also been in your situation previously (i.e., something similar) and it is awful. I know that you want it to work out. I hope it can be worked out. What I don’t know is if objectively if it can be. Here is where you can use your personality (etc.), to an advantage: maybe you can see objectively the outcome. Me, with my emotions, if I were in the same situation–I could not.
And honestly you have a fabulous body and could get any guy you want (of course!). You inspired me (indirectly) to run more than five miles today! For that I thank you. But most especially I want to thank you for all that you have done for me. I know it might seem small but it is not (also I got introduced to the blog of James Altucher, because of you, which has also helped me tremendously). Being super successful, and super-smart IQ wise does not mean that one will never get into these situations–I understand this–it makes no sense, but, I do understand this. Thank you for being so brave and courageous to share your world. I support you regardless of whatever path you choose.
Love. And please come back! ;)
My Mom married a man and I watched him beat her and scream at her for over 10 years.
By the time I left home at 17, I hated her fucking guts.
I hope that you fix this so that your kids don’t wind up hating you, too.
Come on P, you are way overdue to give us an update. Are you ok? Are the boys with you?
Can your ex offer any help to you? If not, how ’bout some of the venture vultures?
Are you back on the farm?
Please keep in touch.
I miss you.
Well, my dear, this has been quite a ride. 24 hours ago, I didn’t even know who you were until James Altucher posted about this in his blog. Thus began the Great Quest of trying to figure out what the flying frack led up to this. I’ve gone through a gamut of emotions, reactions, reflections, but mostly sheer outside observation especially reading through all of these comments to this post as well as the others re: your relationship. All of these people who are showing you such an outpouring of concern for your safety, sharing their own stories of surviving abusive relationships/childhoods. Pretty remarkable, if you ask me. I was struck, though, by a comment made to your lamp head hitting incident almost a year ago. She said, “My concern stems from that you’re leaving your readers with being worried about your physical and emotional well being.” I feel exactly the same way.
You responded with, “I wish there would not be so much feeling sorry for me. I feel like lots of people go through times like this. And I feel like since I have a track record of going through these times and coming out better for it, that it’s okay to show it while it’s happening.
The world is a lonely place if everyone hides this stuff.”
Do you still feel this way? I have a feeling you do. I also have a feeling maybe you’ve already gone home. Maybe not. I have a feeling you know you are strong enough to figure you’re way around and out of this however that looks like to you. But remember the comment by that woman last year, leaving your readers worried about you…Please keep that in mind – you are taking us on a journey with you, and we are all willing participants, but at the same time, hundreds of people are getting swept up in truly, genuine, sometimes alarming concern about you. I’ve been checking back here several times to see if you have posted anything else, even in the comments section. Would you respond to that the same way you did last year? Will you really be okay? You might want to let your readers know. Even if it is something as simple as “I’m safe.”
Penelope, you wrote a post over in your homeschooling blog about how it was OK for your kids to quit something. Just because you start something, you don’t have to do it forever.
It’s OK for you to quit too.
You don’t have to stay in a relationship which is clearly not working for all concerned.
The most important lessons your boys are learning, come from you and the people around you. Don’t let them learn that the violence they see and hear around them is OK.
Yeah, I’m another one asking you to check in. If, for whatever reason, you can’t access your blog then ask someone else to provide a quick update. Otherwise it's not cool to have posted something that now has HUNDREDS of folks worried without following up. Seriously.
And for those who have enjoyed pointing out that she is – whoring' for media attention: I think it's safe to say that if that were indeed to be the case, she'd not get away with it with her career or – brand' intact. Apparently she succeeded in gaining YOUR attention.
Penelope — you know yourself best. It’s a new year, and a new day.
You are the most important person in this equation. Then come the kids. And then everyone else you would like to take care of. But unless you are 100%, nothing else matters. Your career won’t matter until you are comfortable with your physical and emotional boundaries. And the Farmer has absolutely no right to treat you this way.
I’m sure he’s been lovely and sweet to you on so many occasions, and that he’s been great with the children, but it’s enough. Bid him farewell and move onto the next adventure. It’s terrifying, but this blog tells me your life is a series of thrilling unknowns. It’s time for the next one.
I know what you mean about feeling distance from everyone. And that your closest relationships are with your kids and your readers. We feel close to you too. You can do this. Take care of yourself, Penelope.
I am now worried that P is actually dead. Women are killed when they leave, too.
Well, this story gets more and more interesting. Turns out that Penelope has a new book coming out on Feb. 26. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0789747987/?tag=ptrunk-20
I hate to say it, but this is starting to resemble a sick publicity stunt because WHERE is the father of those boys? What father would let his boys stay in that situation? And why won’t she press charges? I mean, she’s willing to talk about the situation on her blog and post a naked photo of herself. Now everyone knows. Why not take the next logical step? And why does the photo, as someone else pointed out, look as though she took it in her own bedroom? (Just a thought about that bruise: Having lived on a farm, I can attest to the fact that bruises like the one on her hip are not hard to get. All it takes is one goat shoving you up against a fence post or a bucket full of feed falling and landing on tender flesh to create spectacular bruises.)
Before some of you call me a troll or other nasty names, consider the Gay Girl in Damascus hoax. Thousands of people believed Amina was real and that she had been kidnapped and was being held in peril. Many of those people contacted the Syrian embassy and the U.S. government. Turns out that Amina was a character created by an American man, Tom MacMaster. In an ironic twist, Amina/Tom had a passionate email love affair with blogger Paula Brooks at Lez Get Real. The problem? Brooks ALSO was a hoax. “She” was a straight man named Bill Graber. I couldn’t make this stuff up! It’s too bizarre.
So for those of you who believe Penelope with your whole heart and who are pouring out your love and support, you may or may not be responding to a real crisis. It’s the Internet, and as we all know, strange things can happen in the blogosphere.
You are very smart!! i agree with you 100%.
well said!
If you are wondering when it is time to leave, that time would be NOW. Your marriage is over, you will be happier without it, eventually. Let the lawyers sort out the details.
I look at the picture again. My eye goes to the door. Open it and walk through.
I agree with Celestial, who is a psychologist and from a Wisconsin farm. You never get out of his face, you keep him up all night talking non stop. Sounds like he was badgered and tormented and pushed into a corner until he shoved his way out. Your bruise is a hit onto the bed post. Could that have happened while he was trying to get away so as not to hurt you. Did he use the words “beat you up” or was it more like he won’t have to push you away from him when you corner him and rant to him for hours on end. Look at it the other way. If he kept you up all night talking and talking and badgering you until you couldn;t take it anymore, would you shove him out of your way and try to get away. It sounds like you are also abusing him. The photo is inappropriate. Take it down and next time (or this time) get the police to document your injuries as they do it with intent to show battery, not a weird, naked ass in the air WTF kind of pose. The police will show more respect than you have shown yourself and your children with this image. Do you ever stop to think that your kids will read this one day. And they will be thinking that instead of making it better, mommy was laying in the floor taking photos of herself naked.
Even the most gentle animal will bite if threatened. I think you love him but you need to both get professional help.and also for the children who care for him and I worry that as they get to their teen years, so may keep them up all night in their face and make them feel cornered. You have very special issues Penelope and only a professional person can help you, him and the kids.
From Penelope’s own blog, there was this story called
“A case study in staying resilient: My divorce”:
“There is extremely persuasive research that no one likes to hear, that says that kids do not notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage. In this seminal study, Judith Wallerstein tracked a large sample of children of divorce for 25 years. And she found that *unless there is violence in the home*, kids suffer more from parents getting a divorce than staying in a bad marriage. This research is what has kept me in my marriage. But now I am learning that marriage is a little like fertility in that I cannot control everything.
Listen to yourself in the quote above. And do what’s best for your kids. No matter how hard it seems to you, it’s most likely *much harder* for your kids than you are letting on. *You* are the parent, and you need to make some adult decisions here. For your kids. Don’t make them end up like you have or grow up to treat their kids the way they have seen you and your husband treat each other. It will be an endless cycle you regret.
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Penelope,
You should really read what Christina wrote. She is absolutely correct. You said it yourself “There is extremely persuasive research that no one likes to hear, that says that kids do not notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage. In this seminal study, Judith Wallerstein tracked a large sample of children of divorce for 25 years. And she found that unless there is violence in the home, kids suffer more from parents getting a divorce than staying in a bad marriage. This research is what has kept me in my marriage. But now I am learning that marriage is a little like fertility in that I cannot control everything.”
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PLEASE LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND.
It’s common for victims of abuse to feel that they are deserving of their treatment and that they are unworthy. *It isn’t true — you deserve so much more than this*. And your kids do as well.
It will never get better — please do not give him another chance to hurt you or your children.
YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE MORE
Someone with borderline personality disorder is likely to display a number of the following symptoms:
—unstable moods or sudden, severe mood swings
—“splitting,” during which the sufferer suddenly changes opinions about another person (i.e. they will go from great love and adoration for a person to extreme hatred for that person)
—extreme behaviors, including binge eating, excessive spending, or risky sexual relations
—frequent changes in employment, sexual orientation, or life goals
—self destructive behavior designed to elicit attention
—may be manipulative and untrusting
—abnormal or inappropriate behavior in public
—extreme fear of abandonment or being left alone
—appears to get “lost” in moods( i.e. can’t remember what it’s like to feel happy when they are feeling sad)
If you think you have borderline personality disorder or may know someone who does, consult with your health care provider as treatment is available.
http://www.epigee.org/mental_health/bpd.html
You want someone to miss you? How about your kids when you get seriously hurt if you don’t leave? People like the farmer feed on fear and dependance. You cut both and he has no power over you. Evil is impotent, it only needs our consent to gain power. Think about it, you are leaving to please the sadistic impulses of a person and you don’t value your own life.
It is not your fault that he hurts you. It is his fault that he cannot control himself. His faults are his own. Your faults are your own. It is good to work on your own issues, but your issues are not responsible for his behavior.
In response to the last line “I want somebody to miss me.” Your kids miss you. You know you are not giving them what they deserve from you- they want you to be happy so that they can be happy. Think of yourself and kids first–find little things everyday that make you and your children smile. Feel good…really FEEL it and enjoy every second of those little moments. Make a conscientious effort to find happiness. Do not rely on others for your happiness. Pray. Pray hard and often. Give your burdens up to Jesus…He will gladly take them, but he will not force you to take His help.
Penelope,
You took time to reach out to me when I needed your advice about my graduate school predicament. That was so kind of you. I wish you could show that kindness to yourself. I’ve been through an emotionally abusive relationship, could not find the strength the leave, and he eventually left me. This situations do eventually end, but I think you’d prefer they end on your terms.
With love,
Nicole
Penelope, if you don’t want to leave for yourself you should leave for your kids. Always. Think of the potential emotional distress for them that they may carry for a lifetime. Children should always be protected. You are amazing, courageous and strong and need to model a healthy relationship for them. I don’t know the story and you very well may be, but as an adult who grew up in a home with domestic violence I think children always know when something is awry. It was so hard but my Mom left and each and every day of my life is better for it.
We care about you.
Penelope
You are living out a tragic repetition compulsion in whoch the Farmer plays your dad. You do love him but you love the attention you get from exploiting him more. In a sense he is a victim of domestic violence by you. Because you goad him on till he explodes. Because his rage satisfies you.
No?
Please re-add the sort button to the comments section. That way, we can choose to read the newest comments first (vice having to see that crass “nice ass” remark made by that dorkbait who posted the first comment).
P, Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year: please choose to create a new life for yourself.
Make a list of your next steps and how you plan to recreate a life for you & the boys –it wont be easy, but you wont regret it.
Just in case anyone is wondering, I went to Twitter, where Pen also posts. Nothing besides the trackback to “The most popular posts of 2011”.
Here is someone else’s blog post about all this post plus many, many more comments:
http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2011/12/30/the-most-brazen-example-of-co-dependency-i-have-ever-seen-penelope-trunk-refuses-to-leave-her-abusive-partner/
And another site for women Jezebel.com has this article, also with many comments:
http://jezebel.com/5871929/who-is-penelope-trunk
I may have to unsubscribe to the comments since there are so many of them and I seem to not be able to drab myself away from the computer to stop reading the comments.
Playing computer games, which I do more than my therapist wishes, is beginning to look healthy.
I am beginning to feel “played” or manipulated, whether Pen is doing it consciously or unconsciously.
Not being able to find out whether Pen is still alive or safe or what is beginning to make me crazy and agitated.
If Pen feels close to us readers, why is she not giving us updates about her well-being?
Pen, when you don’t post, we do miss you.
Is that not good enough for you?
What is it you want from us, your readers?
The discussions about cornering the Farmer make a great deal of sense to me.
Pen, in this blog, you have been describing almost fatally bad communication skills in your relationship with the Farmer.
From all your therapy, you *must* have been told, repeatedly, that you cannot MAKE another person feel love.
Old quote: A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
Whatever you force or manipulate the Farmer or anyone else into doing puts YOU into the same category as your parents.
As someone else with a nightmare childhood, different from yours, still horrible, I have been in therapy almost forever.
You need to be in serious, honest, one on one therapy.
Or you need to give those beautiful, precious boys to their biological father. You are making a mess.
About dialectical behavior therapy.
http://behavioraltech.org/downloads/dbtFaq_Cons.pdf
I just read about it and find it quite interesting. It might be useful to Pen. Those who might benefit seem to include people with Pen’s sort of behaviors as reported on this blog. I have been reading this blog for a year or more.
How are those boys doing?
Pen, how are YOU doing?
Are you using your therapist as a resource to help you? If not, why not?
Let us know what is going on, please.
Not pressing charges?
You skewer The Farmer on the internet by posting your injuries, alleging he beat you up, but you won’t press charges?
Either you should press charges, or he should sue you for libel.
I’m not seeing any in-between here.
@ Perplexed – IF the story was true, even with her not pressing charges, the police would have taken the abuser to jail:
– pictures of bruises-online;
– confession of the abused-online;
– previous calls of the police re DM on this location.
It would be too risky (PR-wise) to leave the farmer guy in the house. Do you imagine if next day the press finds out that a woman who reported/posted pictures of the abuse online is dead? And with 2 photogenic boys?
Bottom line: People who believe this drama are the same that buy into UFOs and Kim Kardashian’s wedding.
I still love reading the blog, though. Too awesome.
@Joana – Exactly my point. It doesn’t add up.
Is anyone surprised that we now have an “I guess I’m staying with him after all” post as a follow-up? I’m not.
This was a reckless thing to do, on many levels. For one, imagine if the kids were in public school. You think one or two of their friends may have seen this?
Totally messed up situation.
Penelope, my heart hurt for you yesterday when I read this. Reading the comments today it hurts worse. Don’t listen to the victim blaming/shaming. Leave when you are ready. As a survivor of this, I know how shameful it feels to stay when everyone is telling you the obvious, to go. Take care of yourself.
“And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I'm writing them.”
One thing I have learned in my years on Earth is that I am only responsible for my own behavior – not for how others respond.
No matter what, no one deserves to be battered – not me, and not you.
This is the bottom that fell out. Penelope, take the kids and get out now. We, the people who read this blog and admire your wisdom, are the ones who would miss you.
Penelope, I was in an abusive relationship years ago when my oldest child was young. I blamed myself, too, until I realized that it was not my fault that someone was beating up on me. I did not want my son to grow up with that example – of me or my husband. Yes, we can all be better people – but, everyone deserves to feel safe in their own home. Domestic violence is everywhere. Whether or not it belongs in a career blog, it certainly affects one’s career and so might as well be included. The worst thing you can do is hide it. I now have a career I love and a husband who is good to me – because I left the other relationship. I could not have my current career without my husband’s support since I work at home now and have clients coming and going. Like it or not, your home life affects your career – and a good home life enhances it. You go for the career you love…why would you not go for the home life you would love, too?
*flinch*
oh your post is so awful on so many levels
please get it together enough to leave, if not for yourself, for your sons
having worked in public health for many years i get that it takes a few go-arounds to finally get to the point that you are oce and fir all set in yourself that it’s time to blow this particular popsicle stand; i am hoping hoping hoping that you are THERE NOW
wishing you a healthy and happy new year where you move forward as it is time to do
LAME. I do not believe this is true. Are you that desperate for attention? Do you need more blog views/clicks on your page because of the economy? Because you’re not doing well right now financially? Not only do I not believe this is true, but I suspect you have lied about other things as well. Once a liar, always a liar. Way to go.
I hope things will work out for you. Take care and be safe!
You don’t have to bare your ass-ets. to elicit sympathy from me or anyone else. You wouldn’t even have to show the bruise, I would still believe you were hurt, because you come across as an honest person and I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The way you’re writing and comparing the problems with your parents and those with your husband leads me to believe that you think you deserve this kind of treatment. That you are the type of person who brings this on herself. We are all some “type” of person and, with typical human flaws, we all have something very annoying about our personalities – it’s not just you! But, that doesn’t mean we deserve to be abused in any way. I read once that the qualities that someone initially finds most endearing about us, annoy the crap out of them later (i.e. tenacity becomes unbending & stubborn), but you either accept someone for who they are, or you move on. You do not hurt them for it. Imagine yourself as an adult you and a child you. What would adult you say looking at this photo and hearing what The Farmer has said to you? Wouldn’t you receive kindness and understanding. Wouldn’t adult you (your inner voice) tell you to leave? Be kind to yourself and be true to yourself. I think it’s time to pack up your kids and leave. You will be better for this.
We make our own choices and we’re each responsible for them. Blame and credit belong to the individual. You haven’t the right to claim either from someone else.
Insanity is defined as “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Amelia
Couples therapy: My husband is slumped at the edge of the sofa, sulking. I sit in the center cushion, upright and animated, ranting about why he needs to get rid of his bike.
But knowing something doesn’t mean I’m willing to change. Just like when I claim to be listening to my husband, I seem as though I’m listening to people during work but in reality, I’m more interested in my own ideas than those of the person talking. I talk over and past them. I am dismissive and unresponsive. “How do you keep people from strangling you?” my husband asks, when he’s particularly annoyed and probably considering strangling me himself.
I listen. But not really. Mostly I plan my arguments about why what he is saying is irrelevant and why I am right.
Title: “Couples Therapy Can Help Your Career”
Date: October 5th, 2003
Source: blog.penelopetrunk.com
Sara
The only thing I see inappropriate in that photo is the actual bruise, as in, it shouldn’t be there because the farmer shouldn’t be slamming you into the bed post to begin with.
I’m glad you posted the picture, because it gives us readers context. Context to what is happening and also where that bruise exists.
You can re-frame what happened in your childhood. When your Mom was relieved at the police taking you away, maybe it was because she knew the life they were providing you was not ideal. Especially since she knew your Dad was abusing you. Most likely she was relieved that you’d have some protection that she could not provide. That’s immediately how I read it, even when you mentioned it in an earlier post. Same with the mental ward. They wanted you to be there so you could be away from them, since they were the ones harming you. Doesn’t mean they hated you, just that they have problems and wanted to shield you from those problems.
It is not okay for him to beat you, even if you do provoke him, because if you are that impossible to live with his response should be to divorce you. You know what you need to do, and you’ll do it when you reach your breaking point (hopefully that comes sooner rather than later). I’m glad you’re talking about the violence openly, instead of trying to hide it.
Charlotte, another angle is that Penelope is characteristically open here. I am guessing that some readers are saying “TMI”–but I am with you, that this should be talked about. There should be a confrontation of unacceptable behaviors everywhere/anywhere you find them. There should be no more family secrets. Secrecy is the cover for the abuser.
Penelope has blown the cover.
Marriage counselors tell couples that the fault is never 100% attributable to one spouse or the other. In my days of marital counseling, we played the game of assigning a percentage of blame to the husband and then to the wife. But I am convinced, as most of the responders, that when violence, hitting, shoving, verbal threats/abuse or psychological abuse is involved, it IS the fault of the abuser. The abuser cannot fall back on “the devil made me do it”. You can be angry, frustrated at being stuck, sleepless, head-achey–and none of that gives you permission to harm another individual. Period. Full stop.
So, as much as I have warmed to the Farmer through Pen’s and his blog, I have to say that a line has been crossed. And love and loyalty are irretrievably broken. It is just too dangerous to stay involved, Pen.
Tell us where your head is at: do you believe that the contract is irretrievably broken or are you still holding on? Are you safe? What does your hip look like several days later? Is that bruise screaming at you, the way your readers are screaming at you? Are you able to answer your boys’ questions if you have gone back (or have not gone back)? Are you considering all your options, including stepped up psychological care/medical care for yourself?
If you still feel as if you are dying, if you are in despair, I hope you will put yourself in a safe situation. Force yourself to go somewhere safe–including a hospital.
We have been cheering you on, encouraging you. We will not think any less of you for doing whatever it takes for you to be safe.
Let down your guard, finally. Put yourself in the hands of a reliable safe person (counselor?)/situation (hospital?) and recover.
Penelope, I am worried about you. You are a battered wife. No one makes anyone hit them, because even if they do make them angry they do not force them to express their anger in inappropriate ways. That is one hell of a bruise and if it happened even once I would be worried. If the Farmer can’t or won’t stop being violent, you need to move out. I’m not saying you necessarily need to stop seeing him (but maybe restrict it to when there is a mediating adult there) but you need to physically remove yourself from that place because it is NOT OK for him to hit you.
You seem to struggle with fine distinctions in relationships. Here’s a clear one: any (violent) touching in anger is not OK. This includes what caused that bruise.
Penelope, I signed up on your blog 2 years ago because you had an article with interesting career advise. It is disappointing that this has become a forum for something extremely different. Unfortunately, I will be removing myself from your blog.
make a book about your personal life. I’m more interested in that than anything else. Really curious
Agree. I’d buy a non-self help book from this writer in a second. Very entertaining.
I hate David Dellifield. The one from Ada, Ohio
This past week was Spring Break and toward the end, somehow my ex and my nanny fell out of the picture, and I was doing a lot of taking care of the kids, which, I have said before, is not what I'm great at. I wish I were. I tried for four years to be a stay-at-home mom, only to discover that I am not meant to do that.
So, in a moment of innocent desperation, I wrote on Twitter: "No school today and the nanny’s on vacation. A whole day with the kids gets so boring: all intergalactic battles and no intellectual banter."
Like many people who are total [edited] online, David's contact info was easy to find. I called him at work, because, big surprise, he is not a stay-at-home dad talking about how everyone should love parenting. He is a dad who is not home all day talking about how everyone should love being home all day with their kids.
There was no answer at his work. But I noted the number so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson.
Then I called David Dellifield's house. I thought maybe his wife would answer and I could ask her if she knows that her husband is emailing other women to encourage them to send more kids to his wife to take care of. All day.
There was no answer. Maybe by then he had alerted his wife that he is being pursued by a psycho who maybe will kill her kids or maybe will kill him. Maybe they will never answer their phone again.
Title: I hate David Dellifield. The one from Ada, Ohio
Date: April 13, 2009
Source: blog.penelopetrunk.com
Sara
“You can travel on ten thousand miles and still be where you are.”
If you leave the Farmer, you will only find some other jerk to beat your ass, when you feel the need. Abused women only seem to be attracted to abusive men, wonder why that is?
If that your picture –
1. you lost a lot of weight!
2. I’m glad you are back to waxing!
So, in a moment of innocent desperation, I wrote on Twitter: "No school today and the nanny’s on vacation. A whole day with the kids gets so boring: all intergalactic battles and no intellectual banter."
I almost didn't post that Twitter because it's so banal
You’re a LIAR.
Watch my comment get deleted. again.
Lisa – do you know PT IRL? The thing that fascinates me is that I know people like this, who are drama addicts, and the life inside their head is so different from the life they really live. I’m so curious to know if this is really her life, or if it’s a constant nightmare inside her head.