The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
You wrote “I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I'm pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, "Why would I leave him when it's all my fault?"
I think you are self delusional, that what is really keeping you there is a compulsive need to replay out your childhood violence and make it all come out right this time, to prove that you are loved after all and to prove that you would be missed.
Even if it were ALL your fault, why is that even relevant? There is not some life rule that says you can only leave when it’s not your fault. There is no rule that you are somehow or other obligated to stay. They are just false rationalizations in your head.
Do you want your boys to hear you saying “Yes please, take them away” when the Police or CPS or your ex removes them from your custody because it is no longer safe for them to live with you? You can’t leave because you want the Farmer to miss you? That’s not poignant, it’s self-deceiving, self-indulgent, selfish nonsense.
What’s so wrong with quitting a bad situation? Would you advocate someone staying in a bad job or in an unfulfilling career or living in a bad city? Why would a personal relationship be any different?
Choosing physical and emotional well-being for yourself and your children instead of risking your or their injury or death is NOT quitting, it’s making a positive move in a more healthy direction.
If you can’t re-frame “quitting” on your resume of life, you will have lost the right to give any further advice to anyone about anything, career related or otherwise, because your actions (or lack thereof) and your self-deception will invalidate the words that you write.
You are in danger of losing everything you value most including your children, your voice, your blog, your readership, your career and your livelihood.
You’re at a crossroads. Choose wisely.
I love you Penelope. Please take a wise decision re: what happened , exactly as you always advise us to do re: our careers. I know this might be devastating to you, but it needn’t be. this can be a learning experience to you as to what you DON’T want to have in your next relationship. be strong, we love you.
Please move forward.
after posting last night, i subscribed to the responses, and have read every comment you’ve received since you posted two days ago — as i suppose you have done. overwhelming.
looks like this will be post #444; it would be good to hear from you right about now. you’ve given us an opportunity to respond to your situation, and i’m thinking there’s not much more we can say. just let us know you’re still here. you can get into details some other time, if you wish.
Leave. No more analyzing. You are hurting your children by staying.
It seems you lost a lot of weight! Congrats!
Listen Chickie, It’s simple. Not easy, but simple. You do not have a choice here, you must leave. There is no decision to be made so stop wasting your beautiful mind into trying to make this a decision. The Farmer is not going to change. You have children who will grow up to think this is ok if you let it continue. Worse yet, you will be raising them to think that treating their wife like that is ok. Do you want your boys to be bad husbands? Of course you don’t. See what I mean? You have no choice. BTW, this has very little to do with how you are as a person, it simply means the farmer is not the right guy for you. You are not good together, that is all. Regarding your Brazen careerist comment, I have taken 2 of the courses so far and YOU are always the best part of those courses, so don’t kid yourself that things have not changed over there with you gone. You are an idea-machine and they would flourish even more upon your return, so if that is what you want, make it happen.
Everything has been said many times over.
But this has only been said once: that your son(s) may hit YOU one day, remembering that the Farmer got away with it. I have seen this happen to a friend of mine, once her son became a strapping teenager. She had to call the cops on him many times. He punched the door in when she locked him out of the house . . . You never know how the dominoes will fall–it could happen with your beautiful tender boys, too. So, limit the likelihood by removing yourself from this situation.
One other suggestion: coming from the person who thought you and the Farmer might continue in therapy after you are out of the house. To me, there is only one reason to stay in therapy. That reason is to get/give apologies and forgive–from afar. Therapy cannot bring you back into the house. It is too dangerous and too much of a confusing message for the boys. Don’t go back for any reason. The contract is irretrievably broken. Don’t even go back for your things, unless there is a mediator, or police there when you go back. Seriously.
Penelope, though you may not believe you are “worthy” of being treated like a queen, you must believe that you will beat the odds, that you are some kind of beat-the-odds superwoman? You can make the impossible possible? No and No. It is too much a dangerous game to believe this and try to be the one in a million that can salvage a situation that is this bad. Dangerous x3, for you and for the 2 beautiful tender boys.
You are precious. You are loved. No one has the right to make you feel as if you can’t be loved and adored just as you are. Even your own family. And one person made a cruel comment about your kids being taken away from you, please ignore that….whoever said that was flat out wrong. You have done nothing that would make that even a possibility. You have removed yourself from the home where you were being abused. You are a wonderful mother. I know you are. Just keep yourself away from any man who does not treasure you. The responses to your blog post are helping me find more clarity with a dysfunctional friendship that am currently in, your situation and your navigation out of it and into a better space in your life will help thousands. Truly. We love you Penelope.
How is your ex reading these things and allowing your kids to stay under your care? I don’t mean this to sound harsh, I am just genuinely curious. Does he read your blog?
break. the. chain.
if not for you, for your children, and their children, and their children ….
This is a post traumatic blog. She is rambling, she is confused, and she needs to speak with someone about the trauma. Penelope needs help not criticism, not bashing. I hope you get the help you need Penelope. I wish you well!!!
Penelope,
I am deeply moved.
I am saddened by your situation I am stunned by the context within which you write this – a career blog I think, this post is my introduction to you. I am awed by your courage in writing this.
I don’t know what to say to you. I am moved to say something. I certainly have no advice. All I can think of is to share my own experience for what it may, or may not, be worth.
About 20 years ago I found myself in a situation of joblessness and since I had learned so much in my previous job as a career counselor and job coach, I thought I would journal and share my own experience in moving forward in the first person. As there were already lots of ‘how to’ books out there my feeling was that one that dealt with this ‘from the inside’ might be helpful to some. My intent was to be very open and honest and include my feelings and thoughts as well as my actions… and personal, embarrassing, as well as public actions.
Then came the tough decisions. Does that include sleeping in and missing an appointment? My drinking the night before? My remorse and deepening depression? My sliding self-esteem? How much of my ‘double life’ do I reveal? What help could it be to anyone if I couldn’t get my own act together?…
I decided that In a complete reversal to my previous habit of presenting a more positive front to the world, that I would write all warts and all. The funny thing is that I wanted to reduce the embarrassing not-so-nice things and write a story that would result in a success, so I found myself trying to address these non-finding-a-job issues in a way that I’d never done before.
Strange. For some reason I somehow had never thought that they were worth getting serious about before (or perhaps, *I* wasn’t worth it). In the context of helping others in similar positions, though, I thought it was important that the book have a successful ending.
So every attempt, false start, every drunk, every missed opportunity, every slide down further got written. But so did the commitments I did keep: with the addictions counsellor, with the rehab centre, with myself.
I will spare you any more details (unless of course you ask) and fast forward: Today life is in colour compared to that previous black and white existence. I learned for the first time to feel ‘comfortable in my own skin’ I will soon celebrate 20 years in my new life. I could, but won’t, go on further about how much my life turned around.
But why share this, especially in the context of your post?
– because despite the comments and advice of others (including counselors and well meaning friends) I was never able to see things about myself that others did. They call it ‘denial’ but that doesn’t seem to fit the experience. I didn’t feel like I was denying anything. If anything, it felt like it all lay in a part of me that was completely inaccessible to me.
– because where change in the lives of others have been triggered by a ‘hitting bottom’ in a traditional sense, my ‘story’ seemed and felt somewhat out of place. It wasn’t an acute disaster or anything that worked for me. It was the simple act of deciding to get really and deeply honest with myself and others about things I’d kept to myself. It seems that in letting the secrets that I hid from others see the light of day, other, deeper, thruths then seemed to have the space to reveal themselves to me. By the way, this still happens: the more open I am with others, the more open deeper things become to me.
– because as I started out, I am awed by your courage and openness. I never did publish that book. It turned out that I had far more important things to do. Given the striking contrast of this post compared to what I see as the more professional current of your blog (or at least what I’ve seen so far), it seems to me (and I hope) that despite whatever you may feel about previous experiences, this bold honesty may unlock a path to a serenity that you so clearly deserve, and
Penelope, I you the best
…and keep going :-)
My last comment was so codependent and scolding. I just want to save you. You’re so beautiful and bright and weird and brilliant. You can save yourself. You’ve done it before. You’ll do it again.
Ayn Rand quote: The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.
I’m a single, Gen Y business owner. I love your work; my career has grown fruitfully and meaningfully from your book, and the 2004-2008 entries. I’ll withhold my thoughts on the kind of man your husband is…
We readers have the benefit of objectivity. Here are the facts:
–this character, The Farmer, comes from a bad family [it’s how he was socialized, it’s what he knows]
–he is emotionally immature
–he is violent
–your blog has been more Jerry Springer than Brazen Careerist for the past 3 years.
Once you’ve had some peace, some QT with the kids, and some good food, I think it’s time you ask some difficult questions:
Are you holding on to a violent life, just to seek sympathy from your admiring fans?
Has this become more about the blog/the stories, than your life?
Are there other topics that you’ve dreamed of writing about?
What type of audiences do you want to write for?
Personally, I’ve love if you buy a one way ticket to Europe, and documented an adventure for awhile; or buy a camper and live on the road for a year. You’re already home schooling, so why not have a life-changing field trip!?!
That hotel has a good waxer. I’ll be sure to visit if I am ever in Wisconsin.
Seriously everyone, this is not a true story. The lower bodies of adult women do not look like that without a lot of preparation.
The part about the police coming out is full of holes too.
Thanks for working hard to screw up homeschooling for the rest of us, Penelope, that’s awesome!
Oh come on, there’s some truth to it. She has a bruise. Everything else is suspect.
Why does the farmer, a blogger himself who undoubtedly knows what is being written about him, continue to let her back into his house (yes, his house, Penelope is legally just a guest.) Only a fool would expose himself to more public accusations. Unless he’s in on something we aren’t.
She is a master at leaving questions unanswered, so as to let the readers project their own biases.
I completely agree. There are so many holes in so many of her stories, and take a look at this earlier incarnation in which she is described as a satirist:
http://whoisadrienneeisen.blogspot.com/
She talks of sexual abuse at the hands of her father, but in an early post says he’s a teacher now – sorry… what?
She claims to have been beaten repeatedly by her husband (except he’s not because she doesn’t pay her taxes) and posts naked shots of herself on the internet to prove it. Anyone who’s suffered abuse, as I have, will tell you that doesn’t add up. She claims to be in a hotel yet from her own photo obviously isn’t.
The thing that makes it completely obvious though, is that her children apparently have a biological father somewhere who knows all this and has done nothing to remove them from her care. Nor have social services or the police.
The woman promotes a course, at the top of this very blog, in which paying customers can learn how to direct more traffic to their own blog – I don’t know how much more obvious she has to make it.
I wanted to cry the whole time I was reading this post. Please, please leave. For your kids. For yourself. For your readers who will miss you terribly if anything happens to you.
Hi Penelope
It sounds like you’re going through tough times right and my wish for you in 2012 is strength and peace for you and your children. You are a talented individual who deserves the best. I love your work and know that this situation will only make you stronger.
Warmest regards,
Eric
P.S. Cher is a great artist to listen to during rough times.
Penelope~
Why are you not responding at all? Are you just waiting until the comments hit 500+?
It is time for an update or a new post, for all of us who are worried about you. If you care about us at all, you will give us some feedback as to what is happening. Please don’t let the snarkers who are saying this is all a farce to drive traffic have more fodder.
Thank you!
This post is a perfect example of why I don’t have a blog.
“And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills.”
A more accurate statement would be – “And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor ‘choosing men’ skills.”
I say this because regardless of your relationship skills, you won’t have a good relationship if you’re with a man who isn’t a good fit. Your relationship skills alone will not make for a good relationship. A good relationship requires a good fit between two people as well as their willingness to accept each other for who they are and both be willing and able to make the effort and to find solutions as they appear.
“I kept thinking that I'd be better and they'd like me better.”
You getting better is one thing. You have control over that. As far as ‘they’d like me better’ is a real maybe because you really don’t know what they’re looking for and there’s really no effort or input on their part to make the relationship work. It’s working on a relationship in a vacuum.
You can’t make people care about you or miss you. Is it even worth trying? I just want to be treated like I treat other people. The chips will fall where they may and some people will care and miss you. Let your faith be your guide.
Wishing you a New Year better than this one!
You may be hard to live with. Let’s suppose that’s god’s honest truth while we talk about this. Let’s even assume that you don’t flush after you poo and that you track manure into the house on your boots and you don’t clean up give a shit when you do it. And you’re a crappy cook who doesn’t know when to shut up. Let’s assume all of those things are true.
The right solution for such a malady in your home is to ask it to leave. Couples therapy would be another solution. So would serving divorce papers.
The wrong solution is to try to hit it until it starts being easier to live with.
Being unmarried is better than being hit by someone who is poor at effective problem solving.
She might have Borderline Personality Disorder, which quite common for women who suffered childhood abuse. People with BPD often feel addicted to drama and unworthy of love, and they take risks others wouldn't. There's an amazing therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which works wonders. I wholeheartedly recommend she look into it, at least for her children.
That’s what I wrote on my friend’s blog who linked to your story. My family has suffered so much from this disease, but there is help. You don’t have to live like this anymore. People keep telling you to get help for your kids. Do it for you, too. You ARE worthy of love, even if your parents made you feel like you weren’t.
One of you is gun powder and the other is a match. Doesn’t matter which is which. And that combination isn’t going to change with any amount of counseling, ever.
Apart you’re probably both great people but together you don’t mix — that reality is described by the history of your relationship that you’ve shared here.
You can’t change him or ‘make’ him miss you so that you can feel you haven’t wasted your time in the relationship, haven’t made a huge mistake. Yes, his parents were right, your friends were right. He was right. Everyone rearranged their lives for a mistake. And that’s not even the worst of it.
Your kids are going to grow up into adults. And speaking as an adult who grew up with a mother who *should* have been medicated, it has left me with this one thought about my childhood: Thank God I never have to do that again.
The kids need you now. But they may choose not to be in any kind of close relationship with you when they’re older. For their own sanity. If you’re not the most consistent thing in their lives, if you’re not going to be their stability, they’ll eventually find it elsewhere — and they definitely won’t want to re-live your instability each time they see you. So they’ll see you less and less.
So if you should be medicated, maybe that’s not such a bad thing right now. If medication could stabilize you, it might be the best thing you could do for the boys.
You are getting one thing right Penelope, you put yourself there by moving in and staying so why don’t you take that same power and turn it around and put yourself somewhere else not only for yourself but for the kids too. If you stay, you will never give another person a chance to miss you. Believe me, there is good people in the world that can meet you, like you and even love you, only if you learn to value yourself and GET OUT!
Laughing for having tried do what your apparently trying. Articulate a relationship, with feelings. If you stop to determine the emotions that is when they are gone, like chasing a snakes tail, yeah you can catch it as soon you get in a boringly tight circle. Read Antonio Damasio’s book on the feeling of emotions, he points out with examples why we cant know an emotion we are within, it just cant be done. I spent over a year reading the book to gain his perspective, but there are summaries of his book around you might see the truth of, maybe.
Having read your writings as far back they are on the net, I would recommend you find a true believer in christ, whom has had experience dealing with Narcissism\greed AND professes to biblical counseling such as John MacArthurs (Pastors Library) “How to Counsel Biblically”. Looks like you guys could use some real light, excuse the pun.
Pray you well regardless your choice, but it is your choice.
Bless
Alan
All horses chose to drink or not, but us people? People know in their heart chosing not will be the death of them in the end, fact.
That’s an ugly boo-boo on your hip. So you managed to piss off the Farmer enough to get shoved again, huh? Was that a goal? I mean, it’s pretty clear from the pre- and post-nuptial escapades that you and Mr. Farmer have a ‘tumultuous’ relationship. You’re not dumb, or inexperienced. So you’re in this relationship because . . . you like it?
Yeah, you do. Because of all the subconscious abuse/rejection/daddy issues/blah blah blah . . . and the farm is a great place for the boys. I know. I grew up on one.
My first wife grew up in an abusive, acrimonious home. I didn’t. She was attracted to me because I was emotionally stable and provided a sense of ‘love security’ that she’d always hoped for. But the ol’ subconscious was working her over. She would try and try to make me angry, so I would explode at her (like her daddy used to explode). She didn’t know what she was doing, she was just being comfortably her unconscious “self” in the relationship. Sometimes I would play along, be cross, spank her, etc. It made her so happy. And horny. There would be fights, we’d be apart, then we’d be together, then apart, etc. It was all so dramatic and fun. But we didn’t have kids. Kids don’t understand the game.
And, eventually, as she started to comprehend that a ‘tumultuous’ relationship wasn’t healthy, her early realization wasn’t that she sought to create abuse . . . it was that I was abusive. That was a tough one. We were too young to understand any of this at the time, and let’s face it — owning up to an unconscious need to be abused/rejected/whatever takes a lot of courage and therapy. Most people just won’t put in the work.
Point is, you can’t play the game anymore, because of the boys. And its particularly dangerous for you, Aspie Girl, because . . .
You can’t read the emotional cues from the Farmer when he’s getting ready to explode.
First Wife had a huge emotional IQ, she’d be running away long before I could reach her. And had the good sense not to YAP YAP YAP close enough so that an involuntary lashing out in rage could hurt her.
I’ve been in several relationships where the woman kept trying to satisfy some unconscious need for abuse or humiliation. (The ozone layer just expanded from all the steam pouring out of female ears. Whatever. We men have to deal with the unconscious damages of the pre-feminist paradigm. It’ll get better.)
I’d explain what I’d learned from my first marriage, and we’d set up a ‘safe zone’ where she could explore her unconscious needs. And I’d make damned sure it was a GAME, with a start and an END. That way it stayed out of sight of these women’s kids. Eventually I’d get fed up with pretending to be abusive or uh, Dominant.
I dunno if your Farmer is sophisticated enough to help you work out your needs. But I’m pretty sure the current system isn’t going to work out well. I’m also pretty sure he’s not qualified to help you REPAIR the emotional damages you suffered as a girl. That’s a LOT of work you have to do yourself. Emotional work. For an Aspie?
Yes, you can save the marriage. I don’t believe the Farmer dialogs with his cows about new ways to beat you up. You’re driving him nuts…crazy enough to physically hurt you. The usual emotional warnings don’t work (Aspie). So get some safe words. If he says “Leave Me Alone” understand that it’s not a request, its a warning. He lives out in the sticks for a reason. Schedule a time when its agreed that he will listen to you, attentively, yackity yackity yack because its the kind of communication a woman needs for relationship bonding. And not late at night, after the boys are in bed. Farmers have to get up early.
PS: I eventually married a woman with Martyr Syndrome, with tons of suppressed rage against men thanks to her abusive older siblings and 5 step-daddies. She bullies and mocks me, and if I talk back or disagree with her, she flies into an unholy rage. If I ever get angry, she rolls into victim/martyr mode. It’s hell. But she knows that I know what’s behind the drama. And I’ll be damned if I’ll walk out on my nine-year-old Aspie daughter.
like
@ Another perspective
This:
“yackity yackity yack”
and this
“He lives out in the sticks for a reason”
Too funny!Dude, you should have your own blog & dispense entretaining advice. Love your voice and thanks for the laughs.
That bruise is nothing compared to the damage being inflicted on your children.
Start doing right by your kids and you’ll do right by yourself.
Get it together before CPS does it for you.
M
A previous commenter on one of your long-ago posts about the Farmer wrote:
“No no no no, not this guy again. I honestly hate that when you write about him, I see every relationship me or my friends have had with a guy that turns out to be an asshole. An asshole that you try to change yourself for. I completely understand that every relationship requires compromise and censoring the thoughts that go through your head. But not in order to change yourself for someone who sounds like a controlling pubescent boy.
Posted by Jo on July 31, 2009 at 7:18 am
[http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/07/29/the-sign-of-a-great-career-is-having-great-opportunities-and-saying-no/#comment-190009}
Prescient.
Everyone is saying: “Leave, leave for your kids, do it for the boys.” That’s like saying a woman without children doesn’t have a reason to leave, as though she herself isn’t enough of a reason to get out of a violent relationship.
I’m not going to lie–you seem like a huge pain in the ass to live with. It’s okay; justifiable even. I know I’m a huge pain in the ass. But my husband would never dream of laying a finger on me in anger. Not because he knows I wouldn’t stand for it but because it’s not right. It’s not even in the ball park of reasonable.
I’m not going to call you stupid for not going, as some commenters seem to have done. It probably feels like if you leave it’ll be a failure. I know you’re self-conscious about failure because you’re a career-driven mother in America so it’s written into your DNA. And yeah, maybe it is a type of failure. But that’s just not a good enough reason to stay.
This post is not about the psychology of quitting. It’s about the psychology of NOT quitting. When what you really need to do is FUCKING QUIT.
This latest blog post is you seeking attention to fill a void. And that’s not going to work. In a way, him hitting you provided you with a perfect outlet to gain the attention from others that tells you, you do matter. Which is fundamentally unsound.
What’s the worst thing that will happen if someone doesn’t miss you? Really, think about it? Emotionally you’ll believe it means you don’t have value. Intellectually, is that actually true? No, it isn’t.
The reason people don’t miss you is that you don’t allow yourself to be missed. To allow that to happen you’d actually have to desist with behaviors that overwhelm people. There’s a quote “love never died of starvation”. It’s true.
People don’t miss people who are trying to fill an aching void with something outside of themselves. People miss people who give of themselves appropriately, have a strong sense of purpose and identity and who let loved ones know, that while they love them, their world doesn’t revolve around them.
The farmer is frustrated. The relationship is over. Walk away and mean it. Salvage what dignity you have.
Busy yourself with finding a small acreage that you can have some chickens and a couple of goats on, perhaps even a pig. Tell the farmer you’d appreciate his help with setting that up. You’d also appreciate him distancing himself slowly from the children. What they don’t need is to have the rug pulled out from under them.
He obviously hasn’t hit them, but he’s still not a good enough role model to be a permanent fixture in their lives. Make your plan. Take steps to make it happen.
You’re not a moron. You are however incredibly needy. It makes you an energy vampire in relationships. Decide not to be in relationships that bring that out in you. Which means pretty much anything where intimacy is involved.
Only maintain relationships where there’s an equal give and take. Immerse yourself in books and programs that help you develop your EQ.
But get a plan!
Please get out now – no one deserves this
Firstly, Denial is "the inability to see" not a "refusal to see".
You’re definitely in denial in that you have the inability to see what everyone sees immediately: that getting beat up by your spouse/significant other is absolutely wrong and intolerable. The problem is that you don’t see what we see.
Clearly this is a learning lesson for you and unfortunately probably nothing will change until you decide to figure out what lesson the universe is trying to teach you. It may even get worse as the universe tends to raise the pressure, of which the point is to ‘get’ you to learn and change…but until you begin to ‘see’ I don’t expect much from you, at least until the bruises get bigger and hurt a heck of a lot more.
The only one who can fix this is you and the fact that you posted about this means I think you are trying, so keep working on this. I’d say you’ve almost figured out why this is happening, so now the key is to take action and change. Inaction only leads to more of the same. Good luck and keep trying.
People who first saw “her ass” come to this blog for that reason – to see what Penelope is up to next and to judge. Those with empathy for others – and those who know how fucked up domestic violence is – saw a bruised woman first, not an “ass”. Regardless of her methods, there is a person suffering here, asking for help the way she knows how. Leave her ass out of the fucking picture… there is a bigger problem here.
ps, Penelope, wishing you safety and clear thinking. Good luck.
Penelope, it doesn’t matter right now who’s fault this is. Violence hurts your whole family and all the people around you (both digitally and otherwise) who care about you. It won’t end until you walk away. If you find it hard to convince yourself that you deserve better, then just remember that violence is not ok. Please walk away from this damaging relationship. By doing so, you will be setting a positive example for your children and for people everywhere who find themselves trapped in abusive relationships.
Well, we’ll all miss you when you are dead by the Farmer’s hand.
Seriously, have some self respect and get out. I’m sure it’s difficult, but that’s no excuse.
I have a son with Asperger’s, so I understand you (as much as one person understand another by reading a blog)
Good luck.
penelope, like many others leaving messages here, i’m a longtime reader who has never left a comment… i don’t think i’m qualified to tell you what to do, and i am a social worker who deals with dv all the time. only you know what to do. do you know that small place inside of yourself, the place in your gut that tells you the right thing? sometimes that place is hard to access when we’re in the thick of our troubles, but if you can find it, you’ll know the right thing, even if you don’t want to know the answer. find a way to that place of intuition, and listen to what it tells you; that’s my advice. also, if you haven’t yet discovered dear sugar’s advice column on the rumpus, do yourself a favor and go check it out. it’ll help. sending lots of love your way.
Wow, so many comments. I won’t finish reading them all, but maybe you will. Look how many people care about you.
One quasi-OCD PTSD ASD gal to another: You have shit to do. This is stupid.
You have the right immediate, interim plan already. Kids. Hotel. Melissa. Now.
You could write a book proposal for New Year’s Eve. Kids get cake. So you have focus on work and they have celebration. It’s good to celebrate when you’ve made a big, important decision. Better to refocus on the next decisions, next.
You could look up your research on cities again. Correct your implementation if it was off before (because it got you to Madison). Move. Write.
Not long ago I commented about how by homeschooling, I feared you were isolating your kids. Now I’m worrying that you’re also isolating yourself. It’s something abusers are said to do to their victims. Are you doing his work for him?
I’m glad you’re at a hotel. I hope you take the next step.
Penelope, quit. People here miss you. It’s not worth going back. Take care of your kids. Move on. Don’t blame yourself. Please
Regardless of why you may or may not wish to stay, leave for your kids. They shouldn’t be exposed to this stuff or have that type of male role model. I’d feel terrible if my son(s) where ever the type to be violent toward their girlfriends/spouses.
I don’t know what all these people are bitching about. A lot of people like being abused. You are in the PERFECT relationship for you. Enjoy your abuse fetish before some asshole calls CPS and/or the cops and ruins it for you!
Our backgrounds are very similar, and I totally feel you and understand when you say you want to be missed.
If it makes you feel any better I will miss you – along with all of your readers – if something horrible happens to you.
Please be safe. I know you don’t feel like it right now (if ever), but you deserve happiness. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be missed. You may have a past and a history, but you are not broken…..not by a long shot.
Take the offers from your readers. Stay in the hotel. Do whatever it takes for you to stay safe.
We’re here for you.
“If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your children.
Show them that violence is *not* okay by leaving.”
I agree with this. Please find a safe place for yourself and your children now.
It seems that you’ve never been treated with the love, compassion and respect you richly deserve. I am sorry. I can see from your blog that you’re an intelligent, beautiful woman and a devoted mom. I will be back soon to find out how you’re doing.
It’s so hard. But you are strong as fuck and you can leave him.
Abusive people can get worse with therapy…
All my love to you.
You are so brave and strong to share this. It really makes the world a better place when intimate partner violence is brought out into the open. We need to talk about it. Thank you for having this tough conversation with us.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
He choose to harm you. He is an abuser.
Good for you with going to the hotel.
Again, all my love to you.
And I just want to say, I agree with Diana above:
“He’s not going to stop hurting you. He may take breaks from it, but he clearly thinks that it’s OK”
She speaks truth.
I just found your blog tonight and after reading several enjoyable posts, I stumbled on this one. I don’t know if this is a hoax, for real, or somewhere in between, but I must comment. Please, please, please do not return to this man. Please take your children elsewhere — to a friend’s house or a family shelter. I realize that you are a success with this blog and a published book but you need help. You must get some coaching (which you say is essential for Aspbergers) to see that this situation is not ok, not normal, not healthy and not acceptable for you or your children.
You may also want to consider your photo that you’ve posted. You could take another that is just of the bruise.
Please listen to the overwhelming consensus of these comments and get some help.
One thing no one has brought up is where is the children’s biological father? If he reads this blog, why hasn’t he come and removed his children from this f’ed up situation?
Please leave. Please look after yourself. I can’t make you know that you deserve better, but you do. So do your kids. Please stay in the hotel. It is not some great mark of progress than he can go 2 months without beating you. Living in fear of that is not ever worth it. I’ve been there.