The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
Penelope,
I love your writing and provocative ideas, so thank you for the contribution you make. I don’t know you, even though I feel like I do from reading about your life. I’m not going to join the advice givers or, worse, the haters. That all seems pointless, and I’m sure you’ve heard it all. You’ll do what we all do (if we’re being honest) which is take action when you’re good and ready. The hotel is part of that I guess.
Like all of us you’re intensely rational about some things (public education is ineffective, I’ll homeschool! College is expensive and doesn’t necessarily get you where you want to go, get your parents to buy you a company instead!) but incredibly irrational about other things. Wanting to be loved and missed is something lots of us get. Many of us crave it. The nasties are calling you names for it, but the real description is just human. It’s an utterly human desire and yearning. Humans also have an enormous capacity to make strong and difficult decisions despite that kind of yearning. I hope that’s something you’re able to do soon.
All the very best in everything,
Carolyn
Don’t EVER go back! Don’t have anything more to do with this man! Abusers always have 20 good reasons why they have to abuse you. It’s HIS problem NOT yours!
Love and hugs
Penelope, If you’re reading this:
You have one life and deserve happiness.
Start by taking that picture down ASAP. Or at least crop it. You’re emotional at the mo and I worry you will regret it.
Have you read “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert? I really think it would give you a new perspective.
People lash out in different ways and you really need to ask yourself if you’re being emotionally abused as well? Are these two occasions isolated incidents or is there a pattern? There’s no point in long-drawn out therapy- it’s just a crutch…no one can help you figure out what you want.
Stay safe and strong. This too will pass.
Maybe look at this new start up of Penelope, and see where it goes? You two are a bad fit together, but that’s hard to admit from inside. (Been there.) If nothing changes, this will continue, and it’s bad for you and it’s bad for the Farmer and it’s bad for your kids. It’s better for the kids for you to escape, because they cannot do anything to fix things, which makes them ache.
It’s not failure, it’s an attempt that didn’t work — you’ve done that in start-ups, yes?
(May 2012 be the start of new and wonderful things for you all.)
Those of us who have been following you were waiting for the next shoe to drop when you did not take action in leaving the last time the The Farmer hurt you a month ago or so…
So of course I think about you often as have known so many woman who cannot detach from the sex, from the electricity, from the Love, the need, the turn on a abuser gives them.
You have all this biological stuff going on with the TWISTED emotional world he plays on you all the time of the push and pull ~ Making you dependent feeding into the ideologies you shared with him of wanting this perfect normal life of home and family on natural farm etc !
That you are not pressing charges , nor do you leave says to me you do not want to give up on the FANTASY the Farmer offers You ~
Again biological stuff is driving this not your brain at all and is WHY there are domestic violence shelters in every town in USA now..
As the strongest need in DV is to get out of that person’s life period pronto as we all know the farmer has zero self control and Yes this escalation is real… Especially when you try to leave… He will be all sweetness and honey… The honeymoon period to lure you and keep you attached to him wanting to protect the person hurting you as after all it is Your fault… For sure that is drilled into you in your personal life continually.
Bottom Line your boys do not stand a chance at all.. They are in overdrive acting the parts they are suppose to as playing dead living in fear is the only survival mechanism they have… You put your kids in a box in that they must conform to Your Hell..
Except your boys are not You… They do not have the resilience You have built up. Eventually as they get older their autism will grow into deeper difficulties they do not deserve..
I Just went through 6 yrs of watching and working to help a woman friend who got into a situation with a man after her divorce from the father of her children as her husband could not give her the love she needed..
This creep who came into her life told her all she wanted to hear.. sex was the driving force and seduction.. Sales job he did constantly on her… All of us around her kept trying to alert her to the fact he was not just draining her but her kids too…
And it escalates..and keeps getting worse not better no matter how many excuses or thoughts of being positive she could muster… Even when her one son was obviously suicidal and everyone saying this creep was the cause she could not leave the abuser…
The Tragedy of gorgeous young man having to put a gun to his head on his 22 birthday in order to WAKE his mother up is NOT something you need in Your Life Penelope.. but you are laying the tracks for it each day you stay with the farmer fulfilling some fantasy of getting the Love acceptance your parents did not give you..
Yet as every comment here has said.. No Way Can the Farmer give You what you are wanting.. His behaviors have shown ~ He is NOT capable of the white house with picket fence life at all.. He is NOT capable of loving anyone as he does not love himself.
Not one tiny bit of any of this is your fault. You just have had the unfortunate circumstances of being around people who do NOT have your gifts, your intelligence, your superior understanding of life and how it works…
Please accept there is no way you can educate the farmer, your parents, your exhusband, and anyone else that will say.. Penelope you are different.. Please conform be and simple and stupid like me… You need medication so you can live in fear like me rather then being so brazen with your soul and humanness !
Please dump and remove all these people from life at once ! They will keep sucking the life from you.. No they will NOT miss you at all as they are abusers who go for ” Targets”.
Once you remove yourself from the firing range.. They will find another ” target” to replace you as these people cannot Love or feel anything… They can only victimize for control.
All your attachment to the farmer, your parents and who ever else abuses you is in your mind only.. It is your imagination and fantasy of what should be… Your idealoglogy of how things should be…
Maybe read this:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-foundation-of-love-releasing-judgments-and-expectations/
If you stand in a different place then things may look different. (Wishing you the best.)
Penelope,
Don’t abandon yourself by staying there.
Leave. Get out. Start a new life.
You mentioned that “no one cares.” and you may be right. I am sure you will get hundred of comments offering support and advice but if they really cared they would go and get you out of the farm. However, who has the ultimate responsibility over your own life? Nobody should care except you. It is your life. You are not a child. It would be nice if people cared, but the truth is that nobody cares enough about other people’s lives.
Check your self-esteem. Allowing some to hit you because somehow that shows “attention” and “care” is ridiculous.
Just like you mentioned in your book that you immediately fired your consultant when he said you were not assertive enough, I think you know what to do in this situation.
You are an adult!
You know what they say, “First time: shame on you. Second time or any time after that: shame on me”
Work can be a safety net and provide meaning in our lives and probably the reason why workaholics find refuge being only at work.
Dear Penelope
This is the first comment I have ever written on your blog.
Please leave and get yourself some help.
There is a fair bit of faulty thinking in your post, which isn’t something I’ve noticed before. You need to speak to a properly qualified professional.
Focus on taking care of yourself and your children.
I’ve read (and enjoyed) your blog for years but have never commented until now… I don’t have wise words or a similar experience to share and I can’t even pretend to understand how you’re feeling. But, for whatever reason, on reading this post I immediately thought of Eve Ensler’s fantastic TED talk on finding happiness in body and soul (http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_on_happiness_in_body_and_soul.html). Maybe you’ve seen it already, maybe you liked it, maybe not… but I think her closing words are incredibly powerful…
“…when we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us…. happiness exists in action; it exists in telling the truth and saying what your truth is; and it exists in giving away what you want the most.”
The bruise should be in the centre of the
photo ,not your naked ass!!!
This photo is INSULTING to the readers !
You have read the picture differently than I did.
The center of the picture is the opening that she has created herself. At the moment it leads to a closed door. However, the door does not fit well; there is a crack and it shows there is sunlight in the space beyond.
Penelope, in your post you made a valiant effort to NOT malign the Farmer. You attempted to present his perspective. I so understand that effort. You don’t want us, your readers, nor your sons, nor yourself to believe the Farmer is the bad guy. You aren’t leaving because he is the bad guy. You are leaving because some chemistry, some combination of circumstances and personalities, is just not working. You know it is not working because violence towards you has happened on several occasions.
Just like the 12-step programs say, “It is the drugs or alcohol talking,” not the abuser. In this case, it is not the Farmer whom you have loved, talking/shoving, it is the Farmer’s rage that is out of control. Or it is some element in the Farmer’s background that we cannot understand nor name, that is talking/shoving/intolerant.
But that is not the most important issue. The most important issue is your safety.
The 2nd most important issue is your sons and what they see/perceive as normal in a family. You may say that the Farmer has never/would never be violent towards the boys, but you don’t know that for sure.
So, that means that the boys are living with the possibility that violence could possibly descend upon them, too. What if one of them talked too much???!!!
You don’t leave home because it is so bad there. You leave home because you are ready and because you have something (a plan) in mind. Mostly, we do this when we become young adults. That route was closed to you at that time. It was taken out of your hands because you were taken out of your parents’ home. You did not choose it. It was decided for you. Now, however, it IS time for YOU to be proactive and decide for yourself that it is time–you are ready and you have something to go to.
Use your fertile imagination. Take the elements that were good that were available to you at the farm and start-up elsewhere.
But a hobby farm, get some goats and start your goat business on your own. Continue to homeschool if you want to. Live in an older farm house with a great farm kitchen.
In my neighborhood, a very well-known writer lives in a farm house: Jane Hamilton. Across the road from the apple orchards, which is her family business. Jane is an activist in the community . . .
In my town, there is an outstanding special ed classroom, where a kid with autism can thrive. My kid spent 4 years in that classroom–that is how well he was thriving there. I tell you this so that you know there are options for good schooling, in case you do not choose to or cannot continue to homeschool.
Clearly, part of your plan is to forgive the Farmer and keep on loving him on some level. But, Penelope, love yourself at least as much, and protect yourself so that you can regain joy and resilience.
You are coming of age right now. You are standing up for yourself. You are taking your boys with you to a healthier place . . .
Dear Penelope,
http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/12/dear-penelope/
The question isn’t “should you leave.” Everyone has their opinions.
The question is “Are you ready to be with someone who accepts you, as you are, flaws and everything else? Are you ready to accept someone who accepts you for who you are?”
If you’re ready to stop trying so hard and start living, forgive yourself. Forgive others. Move on with your life with an open heart and let someone in who accepts you and loves everything about you and all your flaws. Accept them and their flaws. It exists. You just have to believe it.
First is self-acceptance. You have to be open to being with someone who is just like you.
It was interesting to see someone called the police. I looked up the CPS office nearest Darlington, but changed my mind, unsure if that action would be best suited to protect the kids and you. Someone calling the police though, was something that needed to be done. I hope if there is a next time you are the one that protects yourself and values yourself enough to make the call, rather than an internet stranger.
This is terrible for your kids. You don’t deserve this. And the kids’ dad, whom I sure is aware of your blog, must be considering whether your home with farmer is the best place for his kids. If you let this linger and don’t take action, those around you will take actions and I am not sure the results will be what you would hope. If farmer is violent and you can’t protect yourself, you can’t protect them. How long before one of your boys tries to step in to protect you and gets hurt? How long before they learn that Farmer’s behavior is the way to act in a relationship?Your love for your kids is obvious in your writing, but you are not doing a good job of protecting them or teaching them right now.
P..I’ve commented here a few times, always with the thought that someone may find experience useful, that may be day dreaming.
Why did you use that pose in the pic? There are lots of ways to illustrate the bruise without that pose. Think about it. Yep you can be difficult to live with, no reason to hit, did you hit him too? Just wondering.
You aren’t the main show at the moment, the kids are, let their dad take care of them awhile and get your situation in order.
Penelope
I love what you write and how you think
I also think that makes your life a struggle. Sometimes struggles are good.
In this case, violence shows that this particular struggle is not. Your therapist seems to have it right, to which I would add what I have been told: “Love is what we most want and yet most fear getting”
Good luck!
Steven
You got it. It’s fear of acceptance.
People fear true love because it means finding someone who accepts you as you are, yet we’re all trying to change and be better people.
A parent’s love for a child is not the love we should seek as adults. Parents are always trying to make their kids fit their own vision of being better. That’s not true acceptance. That’s not true love. That’s parental love.
Penelope has to stop fearing finding and being with someone who is just like her, accept herself and her flaws, and then accept someone else without judging them for loving her.
The issues for the violence between the two of you are probably complicated. It is probably hard living with a woman with Aspergers. It is hard living with a person so frustrated that he resorts to physical violence. You probably love each other very much. Your kids love both of you. Your kids are upset and frightened of the future. Maybe you want to continue with “The Farmer,” maybe you want to end it with The Farmer? Whatever you decide, you should think of your kids safety and stability first, yours second, and your happiness last. Take a break from one another for a few months and see what happens. Get some therapy or change therapists if the advice hasn’t worked out. Quit being a victim and take charge of your personal life. Also, quit posting naked shots of your body on the web for dramatics, You are an adult, act like one for your kid’s sake and yours. This is the time to act like an adult and not time to be dramatic. Your kids are watching and learning. Are you going to teach them to be victims or are you going to teach them to be strong? Good luck with your choices and life decisions.
Holy hell. Is that ever sad.
I’ve followed your blog for a year now- I have a young son with ASP and wanted to get an idea of how he would feel as an adult- dealing with the world around him.
That aside- I was a child in an abusive household and no matter how your justifying that your children will be OK, that they’re resilient- they’re not.
This will follow them for the rest of their lives and no amount of therapy can take the place of what you do right now- which is leave this horrible relationship.
My mom is my hero. Against all odds including no education and no job- she got out and salvaged her life and that of her 6 daughters. You have the chance to be the responsible parent and use the brain I know you have to do the same.
My father killed himself about three years ago- a final act of violence against his ex wife and daughters. That’s all the future this awful farmer person has- sadness and hate. Do you want to be a part of that?
Best of luck to you and your children.
God bless..
this post shouldn’t be about you. it should be about your kids. about what you want them to learn, about what you want them to become.
instead you write about how you haven’t been able to break the cycle. that’s selfish, and you cannot afford to be THAT selfish: you have kids. that doesn’t mean they are yours – that only means YOU ARE THEIRS.
so get the f**k up and start working on what you want them to be.
isn’t that a good idea for your next startup? then start that up!
aren’t you a career specialist? being a mum is much harder that being a career woman – can you handle it like a pro?
honestly, i love what you write, and i also find it easier to express myself when i write.
why don’t you write to yourself on what kind of mum you want to be – and then write back to yourself with advise on a plan to make it happen?
remember: they are not yours; YOU ARE THEIRS!
Before you quit the farm and the farmer you should check this out: http://selfdiscoverytechniques.com/
Do a couple of workshops with Rob and Susan and they will help you break free from the drama you keep creating. Create your ideal deliberately. I’m serious it works. I know how you feel girl. Time to take action now. You got the power.
P,
I’m not sure it matters who is to blame. As a guy, I will never understand physical violence against women so my gut tells me that the farmer is to blame for not walking away when he gets to the boiling point but this seems to be off-point. I am more concerned for your kids and the damage that the environment is doing to them. They certainly care about you and to see you hurt or being hurt is damaging to them. I think you need to remove yourself from the farmer and focus on your kids and not on yourself until they are out on their own. Then (years from now) you can change your focus onto your own relationship issues.
I watched my sister spend years pursuing guys that were either abusive to her or who she had to “mother” in some way but all along the way the two people who lost the most were her two girls who were raised in this bad environment. My sister passed away unexpectedly over a decade ago and her daughters have struggled mightily to try to “find” or “create” a family without really knowing what one looks/feels like. They will continue to struggle with abusive habits and relationships and the seeds were in planted in their childhood environment.
I would recommend putting your kids first and yourself second for a few years – make sure they are OK (start by separating yourself from the situation you are in) and then go back to focusing on yourself when they are out and on their own.
I read what you wrote about the farmer:
“The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I'm impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can't get any peace and quiet in his own house. That's what he'd tell you.
And he'd tell you that I should be medicated.”
I saw a therapist for a while, and we looked at the issue of responsibility. It’s hard to change but I have made some progress, by acknowledging and trying to identify what I have responsibility for. One thing I do not have responsibility for is what other people do. My father was abusive and when I did (or did not) do something wrong he would shout at me and get incredibly terrifyingly angry at me. It took me a long time (I dunno, 50 years or so) to figure out that the anger was his; although it was directed at me, I was not responsible for it. He could have chosen to behave differently.
The effect on me was to moderate my behaviour so that I did not do things that made my father angry; as a result I prevented myself from doing lots of things I wanted to do and from becoming the person I wanted to be. Looking back on it I see now that it was for him probably a pretty successful way of his bending me to his will, and the really neat thing about it was that I did it to myself.
I emigrated to avoid dealing with it, but looking back I think that “dealing with it” was not an option. After all, his behaviour worked for him so why should he change it? The only option I had was to fix myself; which I have done. Sort of. It’s not perfect, but I know sometimes people will get angry at me. Ca va; I have to live my life, not theirs.
drama queen. there are some women who could turn the most meek and gentle man in the world into a raving maniac. i don’t know if this is the case here, but that is how you come across.
Do you think Therapy has advanced enough to help your kids when their mother is dead and their father is in prison?
Dearest Penelope, I saw your post after I logged into my computer and saw James Altucher had put up a post dedicated to you.
I wish I could hug you. I wish we knew eachother so I could do the things friends do for eachother during a terrible time, when people need to feel loved and cherished because someone else is hurting them. I wish I could impress upon you how much you matter. I know when we’re devalued by someone else (especially when it’s happened repeatedly), hearing anyone say anything nice feels like an external noise that doesn’t really penetrate.
I wish I could tell you how important you are so that you’ll take care of yourself the way you would urge one of us to if you saw we were suffering the way you are. I don’t know anyone that can’t use improvement in their relationship skills and it’s good to think about improvement but it still doesn’t mean you deserve to be hurt.
I want to share with you this video of a little girl doing a cover of a Lady Gaga song. It touched me because of the way she sings:
http://wavianarts.blogspot.com/2011/12/baby-you-were-born-this-way-lady-gaga.html
Sending you hugs of support and much love. Email me, how can I help?
I miss you.
Do it for your boys. For no other reason. Be an example of bravery and strength and get out and move on. They are victims. Don’t do to them what your parents have done to you.
Move on and serve as an example to all, men and women who are abused. Make something positive from this terrible experience and use your exposure for something truly good and meaningful.
I understand what you mean about not quitting because you’re afraid you won’t be missed, but that’s the kind of impulse you should have and then go “no this is ridiculous” and then talk about it in therapy. It doesn’t matter what he thinks, all that matters is your health and your kids’ health, both mental and physical.
You deserve better. I hope you can come to believe that.
My heart hurts when I see that such a bright, successful, and unusually insightful woman can be stuck in the same patterns that people get stuck in. The pattern continues with readers like me who say “leave!” without the burden feeling the things you feel.
It takes a Herculean effort to leave while feeling, but as with all you’ve accomplished in your life, you jump in and do it. This time, you have to. For your kids. For you.
Ask yourself if Therapy has advanced enough to help your children when their mother is dead and their father is in prison?
Okay – I admit I was distracted by your ass.. for a few seconds and then I remembered I love my wife and it is inappropriate for me to look. So I read the post. Darlin’ – stay away from the Farmer. I must say that my wife has driven me to want to smack her, but I never have. It’s called self control, respect, and being a real man. You do not ever hit a woman (unless she is coming at you rwith a knife, or gun, or something literally life-threatening.) My wife has thrown a few things at me, because I can dish out the crazy too… but I am fast. So, no blood.
That said, I am sure that when you google “crazy woman”, among the pages and pages of results, my wife would be in the first few organic results, along with you. But to me, that is part of who she is, and I love all of her. I am committed to her and to our relationship, and so after 26 years, I miss her when she is not around me, most of the time ;-) And I won’t hit her – another commitment.
If the Farmer is retarded enough to hit you, more than once, and even allow you to think its your fault, he is not worth your spit. He is not a real man. He thinks he is, and he wants to be, but he isn’t. If needed, I’ll come up there and he can try to hit me… that would be entertaining for me (and probably you too.) Truthfully, he isn’t worth the effort – he is a manipulative prick, and he isn’t going to change. I am sorry, because I know that makes you sad. It will be tough to find a good man, but your kids deserve you and a life without violence more than they need a dad who hits mom. If you can’t do it for you, do it for your kids.
Keep writing. We all love you. Let me know if you are ever in Austin Texas. My wife and I would be happy to have you and your family over (less the Farmer.)
No one should stay in a relationship where there is physical or emotional violence. Get you to a women’s shelter where you and your kids can get some emotional support and where you don’t have to deal with things for a little bit. We all miss your posts and like you.
Leave, leave him now, for good. You are better than this, and no one deserves to be hit. Ever.
So much rational advice, all wasted because 1) P already knows what you will say and 2) she lives her life irrationally. That’s why she stands out. Her personal drama posts get ten times more comments than her career advice posts.
He dumped you 50 times and you went back? I’d think after something like three times the phrase “he’s just not that into you” would be worth listening to.
Penelope,
All your readers miss you when you don’t post. We’ll miss you if you get your head bashed in if he shoves you so hard you fall and hit your head.
Please move out and don’t look back. You deserve to be loved when you are around.
forget the fact that many of course would miss you – most of all your kids – who cares if anyone misses you or not? YOU miss YOU! The you who deserves to live a great life, a great violence-free life.
Do what you need to do for YOU. Being missed…. whatever that means, is nothing compared to you being a happy you.
i was telling a counselor once about these memories i had about my father. i remember my father saying inappropriate things about me and about my body. and the counselor’s response was that her father never did things like that. i was surprised. even though i guess i know consciously that fathers shouldn’t say sexually inappropriate things to their children. it was really surprising to hear that her father never said anything like that to her. and in fact, she couldn’t even remember her father ever saying anything to her about how she looked except to say “hurry up, you look fine”. i just say that to say, i have never been in a relationship with someone who hit me. i have a boyfriend of about 3 years who loves me, who gets incredibly frustrated by me sometimes, but who never ever hits me. and i never feel afraid that he’s going to hit me. so i don’t know if hearing that will have the same effect on you, as hearing that stuff from my counselor had on me. i hope so, because if not, this is a long comment, all for nothing. you should leave the farmer. there are relationships that you can be in with people who do not hit you.
Penelope, You can do it for the part of you that is still a child and always will be. Do it for her…..
I have nothing to add about the violence. You know what needs to be done, and until your heart lets you do it, it won’t happen. So I’m sending courage to your heart.
also, I wanted to make a suggestion. You could do your job anywhere, right? Why don’t you scour the country for a school that has all the benefits of homeschooling–I know there are some–and move there, and put your kids in school for a while while you work on yourself? Self-directed learning and free play etc. can happen in the right school environment. And you can take time for yourself. Penelope, you need time for yourself, you really do. And I say all this as a homeschooler-to-be. I get it, I do, but you need to take care of yourself.
“No. It's my fault. I deserve it. He's right. I'm impossible to live with." – Penelope, this statement is false. No one deserves violence. Other people are also irritating to live with but no one hits them. Leave. Now. Do not look back. You can do it, I did 15 years ago.
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER? WHERE IS YOUR EX-HUSBAND? They should be ripping you from this situation for the sake of your kids alone. They should be doing everything in their power to ensure those kids have a safe environment to live and prosper in, which clearly hasn’t been the case for awhile. Shame on them.
penelope . . . underneath all of the emotional heuristics of your past, there is a very straightforward path – facts and truths and choices . . . read this and please reach out if you feel like i can help: http://datinggod.typepad.com/datinggod/2011/12/psychic-tv.html . . . you’re at a turning point . . . it’s a powerful place to be that shows up as powerless, filled with a sense of futility . . . it’s the hero
s journey, when she’s still deciding whether or not to take the leap . . . wishing you well, penelope . . . cheering you on from over here in the wilds of north carolina . . . :) kate
1. “Provocative Pose”: Yeah, yeah. This is a form of work and income for you (and, let’s face it, attention). I don’t care. I’m an adult reading this and I would never let my kid read this, so who cares.
2. Abuse: You cannot change who you are at heart. You are going to keep saying crazy shit (obsessively and frequently). If you excuse the farmer for hitting you when you are annoying him…you’re in for more of the same.
3. Writing: Yes, we miss you. Yes, we (the collective, anonymous we) are close to you. Even when you feel bad because you’ve been away, we know you’ll be back to write – it’s in your nature. That’s one thing you should never worry about, even if you take a break. Real writers always have that drive even when it’s uncomfortable.
Lots of advice here. YOU need to decide what you want to do. What do YOU want for yourself, your kids? If it were a new life, I’d be supportive. If it were counseling for the family, I’d be supportive. It would just be hard to see you repeat this pattern over and over.
If you want someone to miss you, know this: WE miss you. And I’m pretty sure there are some guys out there who’d love to be your obsessed stalker-fans, with poetry-laden emails and all.
Feel free to email if you want to talk.
Penelope,
I’m a fairly new reader to your blog, so I do not know the details of your life as much as other readers may. But I do want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have so many readers who are listening to you as you try to explain your pain and thoughts and life. You are very strong for taking the first steps to come out and tell the world what is going on. You will empower other women just by taking that first step. You also took a first step in protecting your physical safety and your children’s by going to a hotel. Please do not listen to any of the people who place judgment on you. Perhaps you are a difficult person to live with, so am I ;) But no matter what you did, you do not deserve to be abused. Please listen to me again NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED, physically or emotionally. There are so many of us who will listen to you and support you through all of this. There are many of us who want to make the decision that we think is best for you and your children, but it is up to you to make the decisions concerning your life. I encourage you to start thinking about a long term safety plan for you and your children. Perhaps start looking at websites that may help you such as http://www.thehotline.org/. With Love, Nicole
I..we have similar background stories, though we are different in many ways, and reading this was a little too close to home in many ways. I am blessed in that I found the partner I needed to help me move beyond my toxic contributions to relationships, and realize that I did not deserve all the terrible things that happened to me. I recently came across this link: http://libidablog.com/how-to-avoid-problem-people/2011/ and it made a lot of the things much clearer. Perhaps you will find it helpful as well. You absolutely deserve better than what you are living right now. And even if you don’t think that you do, your children do. Right now, you are teaching them lessons about how to treat women by accepting the treatment you are receiving. And if you think that you are hiding it from them, I am 100% sure you are not.
You don’t know who you are. You might have been told at times that that you matter, that you’re beautiful, that you’re worth it you may have even felt it on occasion, but you don’t believe it.
The only solution to the problem is to understand who you are and to believe that you are loved. I could tell you to get out of the relationship but you won’t because you don’t believe you are worth it. You hate yourself despite that others love you. There is hope Penelope but it’s only by understanding who God truly is which is merciful beyond comprehension – He NEVER leaves no matter your behavior and to understand who He says you are – that Girl, is that you ARE worth it, you ARE beautiful, and you ARE wanted so much that He put Himself through hell to show you.
What you believe fuels your thoughts, which fuels your emotions, which fuels your actions. Oh and by the way…gifted ex-children aren’t crazy they’re simply gifted adults and all the same rules apply. Quit believe the shit people are telling you and ask for Truth.
It took me 6 years to leave an abusive man. It was hard, but so worth it. I, too, wondered if anyone would miss me. I desperately needed that. One day, it dawned on me: MY DAUGHTER WILL MISS ME WHEN HER FATHER KILLS ME. That was all it took. Your children will miss you. If the Farmer doesn’t kill you, he will kill what is left of your spirit.
I don’t give a shit about your picture/choice of pose. The bruise is all I see, and I hope the positive comments outweigh the negative.
You’ve had a rough life; rougher than I. Still, I believe in you. You have my email address if you’d ever like to talk.