The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
I have been following this blog for quite some time. Sadly, I’m just getting caught up on the happeneings over the past month or so. P….please get some help…both for you and the farmer. I have been in a number of relationships in my life, most recently married to a woman who drives me absolutely crazy (in good and bad ways), but I have never dreamed of physical violence towards her. Physical violence has no place in a committed relationship. I applaud you for moving out to a hotel. Now I implore you to get help for all involved before you take any steps towards moving back in. This is real and if it continues, could jeopardize your life.
Penelope, I’m curious if you are familiar with mandatory reporting laws? I don’t know where you live, but I imagine the laws are similar across the states as they are here in CA.
In CA if certain people, teachers, cops, doctors, etc, who become aware of DV, have to by law report it. Once the cops become aware they HAVE to make an arrest and press charges regardless of your wishes. Once the trigger is pulled there is no stopping the bullet.
In my past life, I spent 15 years as a cop/detective and investigated 100’s, perhaps 1000’s, of domestic violence cases.Here is my two cents that you may not have considered, nor can your readers who called the police may know.
I will begin stating that physical violence is never acceptable, but when one party shows an injury and tells a sob story, that is never even close to the whole story. It is one side, so for people to give advice without living in the situation is plain foolish.
It is also why police involvement in 95% of the times only makes thing much worse. The problem when airing these things is that unless you are 100% certain and committed to ending this relationship only two things will happen.
1) the relationship may end before you were ready.
2) the relationship will continue, but now that the cops were involved, there will be greater family stress of court dates and attorney fees. (The situation and the violence will NOT stop because the cops came and turned your world upside down. It will be worse.)
My point is that after watching this over and over, 95% of families are in a worse position after sharing this kind of information UNLESS they are certain they are ready to end the relationship and do not have the courage to do it themselves.
Sometimes an act such as this post is a way to force a situation you may not have the courage to do yourself. If that is you, than you did the right thing.
It is sad to see people forced into situations they were not prepared for because they did not understand the law nor think long term.
I share this not to judge either party here, just to share some things I’ve learned over a 15 year career.
@ Chuck – thanks for the good info.
Question – in this case, it seems a neighbor reported the case to the police; would the cops have to make an arrest, or would they still need for the wife to press charges?
you should move. you have become co-dependent for all the wrong reasons. if you just open your eyes you will see you are living in isolation and relying on the farmer when you really want to live a more interesting and exciting life. if you could move on and realize you WILL MEET SOMEONE YOU HAVE MORE IN COMMON WITH AND you and your kids WILL BE HAPPIER TOO. gIVE IT A CHANCE.
Honestly, this is repulsive. A grown woman posting naked pictures of her bruises, soliloquizing about not leaving a man who beats her. Why in the blazes are you not running like hell? Why the heck are your children not your top priority here? Do you want them scarred for life, always carrying the wounds of not being able to protect you, save you? If you carry on this way, they WILL be messed up for life, I can guarantee that, if they are not screwed up already. You have created a cycle of violence that will carry on into the next generation.
Yes, it IS your fault, because you stayed, when you should have left aeons ago. Frankly, I find your judgement suspect. I really hope you get the help you need before it is too late for you and your children.
By any chance are you an attention whore, Penelope?
Wow. What an extraordinarily shameless display of BPD…and not just by Ms Trunk, but also by her commenting ‘loving’ minions, lapping up the drama. Nice move there, too, calling in the cops on the basis of precisely nothing but blog posts and, yes, an attention-whoring photo.
Here’s what should have happened: your kids, removed from you, and given into the care of an actually sane person. And then you, Ms Trunk, go get some genuine, professional therapeutic counselling. Oh, and here’s an idea: how about you DON’T blog about it?
JEEEZUS.
She chooses to stay w/ this guy, and I’m supposed to feel bad for her?
And still she chooses to go back to him. Oh, women. How I don’t care what your silly emotions feel.
Why would you stay with a man that has left you 50 times and abuses you? When he leaves you again, don’t go back with him. In a lot of abusive relationships, the men refuse to leave or let the woman leave. He has left you many times, use that opportunity that many abused women don’t have the same advantage as you. Abuse is horrid, and many women have endured it. However, please don’t try to garner sympathy from an attention intended picture. The wrong attention for a serious matter. Thats a very small bruise on a almost naked photo. Can’t take you serious as needing help, when you are showing your arse & thighs. If he is abusive, why not show more prominent bruising with your clothes on?
Here’s the thing. Penelope, based on your profile pic and the shot here of your, ah, bruise, you’re a trim, good looking woman. As such, I’m sure you’ve been approached maybe a thousand times in your life by exactly the kind of man you seem to be looking for, the kind, supportive, listen-to-you-talk-all-night type. Why are you not with any of them?
Then there is the talk about wanting to feel entitled somewhere in the comments. You’re passive about things which you have chosen and caused to come about through your own action or inaction. Is this “farmer” really a bad guy. I do not know. I don’t know him. I don’t know how you got your bruise. Do you pester him, maybe even nag or henpeck him until he can no longer take it? Others have commented that you publish intimate details about your relationship with him. Maybe he, rightly, does not like or approve of that. If so, he’s likely asked you to stop, and you have not. Again, I don’t know, so there is a lot of missing context here.
You’re throwing out in the light of day, an incomplete story looking for public pity because “it all just happened to poor little me.” That is not the attitude of an adult, and frankly, if this is your outlook and personality, you probably should not be raising children until you get it worked out.
All of this crying out for attention is childish and narcissistic, and all of you chiming in with “Yeah, he’s a bastard, violence (I liked the “against women” bit someone said) is never ok, and you feel sorry for yourself, girl!” are just enabling it.
How about that. My comment was deleted.
Have you ever read “The Glass Castle: A Memoir” by Jeannette Walls? My therapist recommended it to me because she said I was addicted to conflict because of how I grew up and the abuse I experienced as I child and how it makes it very difficult to have normal relationships as an adult. Anyway, I couldn’t put the book down until I had finished the entire thing. It helped me make sense of the “it’s my fault” syndrome. Maybe it will give you some insight as well.
That bruise doesn’t look that bad, quit whining.
Nag less. More sandwiches, more blowjobs.
As usual, Roissy gets it….
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/the-evisceration-of-penelope-trunk/
Seriously? what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean yea nobody deserved to be beat, but your regurgitating all your neurosis on the page just makes you look like a nut. If things are that bad therapy is a waste of your time you just need to separate and be done with it. And no, unlike some of the enabling posters here I don’t think you should asset strip him for revenge, just move on with your life and learn how to be whole yourself before you drag someone else down into the cycle of misery you yourself have suffered in your life. If you were capable of being retrospect you’d realize that you are putting your kids in the exact position that led you to be where you are.
Penelope just wants attention. The bruise could have been shown without showing the rest of that flat ass…
Women are so transparent.
Heartiste has done a superb deconstruction of Penelope :
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/the-evisceration-of-penelope-trunk/
What a dumb bitch.
You’re not hot or young enough to be this crazy.
Let me cum on your wounded maidenhead….
Care or not, I love you.
You are deranged. The farmer should run for his life.
You make me physically ill.
Maybe along the lines of what you may hypothetically say to either one of your sons if they were older(and/or perhaps others, if they were receptive) to the question of why?
“Because I am intuitive and know that he is not someone that I should fear. Most often, life goes beyond the books and goes by what we feel.
The Farmer makes stupid choices, yet he is not dangerous. Just like your dad. He has made stupid choices with you and he has made stupid choices with me. Yet he is not someone that either one of us would naturally fear.
So we look at the good that they can offer us rather than at the stupid choices that they make.
Love,
Mom.
discovered you today. Love the way you write. the unvarnished honesty. Life is not pretty. But its better than death. And I will follow your posts eagerly, because you resonate with me. keep doing what you do because baby you are doing it right. Muddling through, and still standing ( like the elton john song!)
I don’t regularly read your blog. From what I can see, a lot of people here are hyper-critical of you. You should know that you are not alone. On average, it takes women in an abusive relationship 7 attempts before they actually leave (it’s usually 6 months too late.) The violence may subside periodically, but it’s on the proverbial one way street increasing in severity. You don’t necessarily need medication, but you do sound lonely. You might want to find someone to talk to who will just listen and reassure you. Try not to use your kids as this sounding board too much. It doesn’t matter the circumstances that lead to the bruise on your leg, they were unacceptable unless you physically attacked the farmer and he was defending himself.
I too recently shared my experience with domestic violence on my blog. I made the decision to leave after the first time, but that was a personal decision. For me it was the right choice, it has been 5 years now and I am happy to say that I am now married to the love of my life.
Kendall
http://sexandthesuburb.com/walking-away-from-domestic-violence/
Wow, Penelope. I can totally relate to this article. Thank you for writing it. I’m in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man. And you helped me to understand something I never ever knew about myself before: I have serious abandonment issues.
And what makes the relationship so painful for me, is that he leaves me all the time, and then I obsess over what I’ve done wrong, or how I can make him stay the next time he returns, because he always does return. This is an obsession I’ve had for 3 years now, and it’s debilitated me from acheiving a lot of professional success, that I think I’m capable of doing if only I could manage the distraction that is him.
You said: “the hardest thing about leaving is that nobody cares” I know exactly what you mean. But I’ve learned that’s only another fear I allow to haunt me. Sure somebody cares. I just don’t know them yet, lol. Or I’m incapable of figuring out (unwaveringly) who the truly caring people are in my life.
I’m also a writer – and I know that writing is probably the best thing for me. Only I’m not so disciplined to do it as often and as publicly as you (I’m trying). But, I do know there is healing in the kind of writing you do. So long as it’s honest enough to liberate fears. Nothing is worse than sleeping alone with your fears and becoming the victim of their rumination.
So I support your brazen writing and everything you expose just to ensure that you live in the light – and not darkness.
You’re an inspiring woman – probably crazy – but inspiring nonetheless. And your scars inspire me to reinvent myself. I just want you to know that this post was hugely meaningful for my mental health – as odd as that may sound.
Stay strong.
LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!! I NEED ATTENTION!!
You have got to be shitting me, seriously? Whats real and not real, maybe a pig gored her, we are puppets to be dangled from a wire. The answer is for violence is violence. Shoot the farmer eat his pigs or goats or carrots. lol.
Hi Penelope, I was reading your blog during class when I came across the violence that you went though. . . I’m really sorry to hear that you got hurt, because you seem like such a great person. I wanted to give some feedback on what I read that you wrote. I really do see your point in wanting a better relationship and wanting someone to miss you. I mean I completely understand that you love him and would go many things for him, and quite honestly I hope that everything works out. But I think the reason why anyone should be with someone in a dedicated relationship because they love everything about them. The good or the bad, both sexes should find a compromise to love each other for who they are. For him to say you’re annoying and doing all these violent things says that he doesn’t love who you are. I’m not saying you’re an annoying person, but he really should treat you better and love you for who you are, and that’s what I mean. This leaves a stain in the relationship and also the relationship between the kids. You are a valuable person, you should be loved, and most importantly respected.
Hope all is well, and keep doing what you do best.
I am having difficulties in understanding your rational behind you staying in an abusive relationship. Are you insinuating that the Farmer beats you because you gave him reasons to? Or are you just playing with the emotions of the general public.
Cool blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?
A theme like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my
blog jump out. Please let me know where you got your design.
Cheers
I can’t believe it’s been almost a whole year and you are still in that ‘marriage’. I’m worried about you.
I do agree with all of the ideas you’ve presented on your post. They are really convincing and can definitely work. Still, the posts are very short for novices. May just you please extend them a bit from subsequent time? Thanks for the post.
Good grief. You have absolutely no credibility with me now that I see your semi-pornographic picture here. Put some clothes on, grow a backbone and LEAVE!
Please know that as I read your story, I felt for you. Not with pitty, but with compassion. I sincerely hope that you found strenght and peace.
I do believe every woman is responsible for the relationship they have. Please notice I wrote responsible, not faulty.
It is a weird place, to know that we are not guilty, but are responsible. It is like understanding that somehow, we are perfect and imperfect at the same time.
Receive a big hug.
I’m there. I wish I could say I don’t understand why you would stay. I can’t. Because I stay. Or more correctly, I come back. Again and again and again. The violence has been there. I have a bruise on my shin that’s been there since January 10th (over two months now) from the last “big” violent fight. But there’s been WAY more bruises than that one. Those ones just weren’t bruised right to the bone like the one that persists.
I’m fighting with the medical insurance company right now because they want to subrogate on the sprained ankles and wrist I had to go to ER for in September. There’s no one to subrogate. How do you make the husband you’re still with pay for the injuries he caused? Especially when he doesn’t work, and you do, so it means really, you’ll be paying for them.
Pushing, shoving, threats. All of it. Been there, done that. Again and again and again.
I leave. And I always come back. I can’t even say why. I just do.
So you are supporting an abusive husband too? What does he give you that you are so addicted? You know he is supposed to make you happy, provide for you and protect you? Don’t settle for anything less…
amazing again. i couldn’t believe what i was reading and if it was fiction or not.
who cares what her ass looks like?! (looks good in my opinion)
she just shared something in a beautiful way. honestly and respectfully toward her readers.
thank you. i will remember this. you’re an example.
Everything about your domestic violence, your feelings towards yourself are my feelings too! I thought I was the only one who felt / feels like this.
I finally called the cops this morning , and it’s killing me! Most of all, I’m scared to lose him.
I feel awful .
I hope the farmer dumped her and keeps her away forever.
She deserves to be abandoned.
Penelope, I think you need to learn to blame other people, not only yourself, for everything went bad. No one is perfect. Other people are not perfect. They are wrong and bad. Let them be wrong and bad. Don’t hold on to them. Take care of yourself and your children. They are looking up to you. Your husband is lame.
:) You are so abusive yourself. But then you were abused. Hurt people hurt people. I think we women can be crazy and violent in our own ways. Men are in their own ways. I’ve done a lot of crazy abusive harassing things myself towards my exes. We need to let go of the hurt…
To anyone who has mentioned or will mention the pros and/or cons of her being “medicated” I say the following: Shut your mouth. Unless you have a doctorate in psychiatry and have spent 6 months to year in sessions with her (reading the blog does not count), you have no idea what you are talking about.
Medication is not sorcery.
I feel badly for you, but women who stay in an abusive marriage are doing a bigger disservice to their children than themselves. Eventually your sons will see the violence and will grow up doing the same. It’s poor parenting from both parties involved. If you care at all about your children you will LEAVE HIM. This cry for help is just pathetic.
hello,
I’m currently a student in high school researching about the cultural and social norms affecting wife battering. I’ve read your blog and I can’t imagine the hardship you’ve been through. You’re an amazing women, having gone through all that abuse and yet still having the strength to share your story. Thank you for that! I was just wondering if you could possibly help me out with my research assignment and complete a survey relating to cultural and social norms affecting wife battering?
-Thank you!