The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
The photo didn’t have to be as bare as it is to see that there was a wound. However, am not judging you. You are obviously in an extreme situation. Violence is never OK so please stay away from him forever, and get help as soon as possible. Make sure you get a restraining order. . .
Penelope, I subscribed to your blog 2 years ago because you gave interesting career advice. However, this seems to have become a forum for something very different. Unfortunately, I removing my subscription to this blog.
Like CH, me too.
Penelope –
My apologies for not reading all that you’ve written about this, but I couldn’t read another word, so pls keep that in mind as you read what follows.
For the sake of your children and yourself. Insist that the farmer gets good help – a group for men who abuse women – it should be in another locale. Do what you have to financially re the farm. And get out of there. Visit the farmer in a highly controlled setting with your kids if they want to go. This is very sad – my heart goes out to you. This may be something the police can handle entirely. Mental health pros have to be involved. And get your children help. You have all been scarred more than you might know.
I’m sorry you are going through this right now. It’s tough and it sucks. I know it sucks.
Most people will tell you to leave, like it’s some easy thing to do. It’s not. It could quite possibly be one of the hardest things you do….ever.
Something to remember, even though the Farmer says he wouldn’t do x,y, z if you didn’t do a,b, or c is indeed a load of crap. You are never the cause of his choice in actions. It’s never about you. It’s about him. He has insecurities, so to gain some sort of control back, he controls you. He is trying to blame you so he does not have to take responsibility for his actions.
When I left my abusive relationship years ago, it was finally realizing that I deserve greatness in my life. It was realizing that I’m worth it. You are worth it, too. And you will never break this chain of abuse until you learn to love yourself. When you love yourself, you would never allow someone to treat you this way. So I guess what you need is to begin the journey of understanding your self-worth.
I’m glad you went to the hotel and took your kids to safety. Even though you may think they do not notice most of the fights, they do.
Domestic violence happens everywhere… even in rural Wisconsin. Here’s a link for Domestic violence shelters in Wisconsin: http://www.hud.gov/local/wi/homeless/agenciescountygm.cfm
You don’t have to go necessarily go to a shelter. These shelters provide domestic violence counseling. Please go see a counselor that specializes in domestic violence.
All the best to you Penelope.
Translation – “I’m a freak to live with, so he gets to hit me.”
So, the point of posting your picture was . . . ?
A desperate cry for help?
A need to validate your actions?
A threat to the farmer?
Link bait?
I’m sure the blog will gain in popularity. Let’s all watch the “self-proclaimed career guru spiral out of control with her life” reality show.
I know I’m glued to my computer screen.
That bruise will heal, but what about next time? I got emotionally shoved into the bed post by a man for years. I have scars, but they aren’t physical. One day he cornered me in a closet, placed his hands around my neck and my daughter walked in. He let go, and I fled an hour later. Ignoring common sense, my pleas, a restraining order, he wouldn’t leave me alone. Two months later I was late to drop our daughter off with him. He was waiting for me. But he must have thought I wasn’t coming, because when I did get there he had just shot himself in the head. The bullet was for me. Get out.
Penelope,
You are the only person that can make me laugh and cry at the same time, with the exception of Garrison Keillor (and his stories are made up!) I admire and respect people who never stop looking for the precious person inside themselves and their circumstances. I believe that you are one.
@ Grandysman – this blog is not that far from The Praire Home Companion. It has a lot of made up
Penelope,
Someone close to me was dealing with an abusive spouse. I am happy to say she eventually left and it was the best thing she ever did. Don’t get me wrong. It was difficult. Not easy. Heartwrenching. But she is alive, unbruised, mentally healthy, happy…and it has been a good 25 years free from her abusive spouse.
But as others have said, if you can’t leave for yourself, do so for your son. The last thing you want your son to take away from this experience is that it’s OK for a man to hit, push, shove, verbally abuse another.
Please think about this…when other people, male and female, annoy the Farmer, does he shove them or punch them? Probably not or you’d be writing about bailing him out of jail. There is NO REASON for the Farmer to abuse you. Love is not painful; never is.
So I’m not going to tell you to go or stay. It’s not my place.
But I will tell you that if you want someone to miss you, and the Farmer isn’t it, then maybe leaving is good. Maybe opening up your world for someone else to come into the picture is good.
The new guy will probably miss you when you’re on trips. And he’ll tell you. And when you get home, he’ll be so happy to see you. And he’ll tell you that. And he’ll be able to not only handle your “crazy” but he might also realize that it’s engrained in who you are and he might love it. He would be great with your kids. Supportive of your career. Wouldn’t mind being written about from time to time. And because he can handle your “crazy” – he wouldn’t be violent.
That might be worth it. But you’ll never know if you try to fix it to say you fixed it.
Kudos to you for realizing what makes him tick and trying to change your behavior to avoid those violent situations. Just don’t change so much that you dilute the Penelope I know, love, and respect. That’s all I’m asking.
You’ll do what you want to do. I just hope we don’t lose you in the process.
You’re ruining the lives of three people so you can have someone who misses you.
Leaving the “adults” out of this, your children will be forever scarred and changed by the things you are supposedly not responsible for. When the world becomes clearer to them, they will grow to resent you. They will live to hate you. They will have their own emotional and mental problems that will be specifically caused by what you’re doing to them now.
You want to live in the situation you’ve created for yourself… great. You are an adult. You can make your own choices. Do the right thing for your children and send them to live with their father or someone who has a reasonable idea of how to function in the world. You are hurting your children and it will leave a life long scar.
Start listening to Joyce Meyer! I was in a spiral in my life once too and she literally saved me. No matter what your belief systems are her practical advice will resonate with you and heal the sick heart we’ve all had at one time or another. Start with the series’ “Battlefield of the Mind” and “Managing Your Emotions.” Please! Be open to it and it can change your life. I went to five different therapists and marriage therapists and this is the only thing that ever helped me. Take care.
http://www.joycemeyer.org/broadcasthome.aspx
I was a statistic like you: a victim of domestic violence. I lost everyone in my life as a result. Today I still pay the price for the repercussions of that choice. It took about 4 years to get stabilized. Since you are all about personal responsibility, perhaps you can take it up a notch by taking care of yourself by leaving. Staying out of fear, hope for progress, etc. never works sweetie. Take it from someone who’s been there. Sending you a big hug and hope that you will make the right choice as hard as it is.
My mother’s last words were: “No one loved me enough, not even God.” Your post felt like living that again. I’m sorry for you. I’m sorry for the Farmer. I’m sorry for your kids. No one is the villain here; everyone is the victim. You have to choose your own life, and so far, you have. You aren’t asking for advice, so I’m not giving it.
I know that one day I’ll stop by here and read that you are dead. By your own hand, by someone else’s hand. Leaving two young lives to whom? The Farmer? Your parents? A previous abusive relationship? You have hard choices to make. For yourself. For your kids.
Please don’t make us read your obituary.
Sending you big hugs, P. {{{BIG HUGS}}}
You have been a victim and as such have defined yourself as a victim. You feed on drama. I say this as someone who has done the same. Telling you to leave your husband is pointless. You know what you should do, and certainly what you need to do, but haven’t done so even though you’ve got kids who will most certainly grow up to be broken if you don’t leave…so there really isn’t anything that could be said that would help you, if random comments from a no one could help anybody, that is. You have to be brave enough to let go of that guy, but you’re too scared to be alone apparently. I feel for you and wish the best for you but don’t think you’ll stop this because you also like the attention as it seems to make you feel good about yourself (“you deserve better, you poor thing” etc.). I say this as someone who did this all my life and finally learned and did something about it. God bless. Take care. Only you can fix you. Therapy can help. It can also make things worse. You’re the only one you can rely on and that’s one of the scariest realities.
And now what I want you to do is turn this on it’s head. Write an article advising someone who has written to you with this story (as theirs) and what you would tell them. Therein lies your answer.
We would miss you if you left. You have to make your own decisions, but you can also love and be loved by people who won’t hurt you.
You need professional help to break the cycle of family violence. Since you were young this is all you have ever known. Now that you are an adult, you are attracted to the only thing you understand – violence. You need long term help. Find a women’s shelter that offers professional consulting. You need to know why YOU are attracted to violent people. You cannot be a role model for your children until you find out how you can change your behaviour so that they do not repeat the same family violence cycle when they grow up.
And with 591 comments, I hesitate to add another. I want mine to matter to you … just as you want to be missed.
I have been right where you are. I left when I was ready to leave, and I knew exactly when that moment was.
It mattered not how many people told me I should, “If not for you, at least for your son.”
I knew I should leave long before I did.
But I did.
And you will too!
Violence is never OK , whenever you want to justify anyone hitting you just think of yourself as one of your kids and see if you feel it will be OK if someone hits them even for doing something wrong. Many times we forget to see our worth and forget how we should be loved and respected .
The best book I ever read about this is called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Reading it made me feel like the author had followed my ex-husband around. It was so spot-on. But the most important thing I learned was that abusers will do whatever they can to replace YOUR reality with THEIR reality. Hang on tight to your reality. Your survival instincts are wrapped up somewhere, deep in the truth he is desperately trying to replace.
Also? We had a therapist, too when we were married and my ex-husband was abusive. The therapist at that time called it a “communication” problem.
Then i got divorced and found an amazing therapist who said she does NOT work with couples where there is abuse because “couples counseling” tends only to give the violent person more ammunition later. As in, “the counselor SAID you don’t listen and SEE? Here you go – NOT LISTENING.”
I wish you peace and luck. I hope you find safety. You deserve it, even if you’re not used to it.
Penelope-you accept violence because you grew up in a violent environment. Really, you are normal, but in abnormal way. The ugly home life you have, you perceive as normal because this is all you know. Sorry, I know because my father beat the shit out of my Mom regularly . It was mostly verbal , but he never stopped. Maybe a smack to her head or a punch to her belly, it never stopped. I wanted to kill my Dad for being such a jerk to my Mom. She tolerated it for 24 years! Then when she left him, I wondered why she wouldn’t forgive him. After all, it had been months since his ugly abuse, and I “missed him”?? Really? How stupid is that? I married a man that is verbally abusive too. He is an impatient asshole! He calls me some horrible names and then, wants to have sex? I have little patience for him anymore. I prefer to be in the next room rather than sit near him. Sometimes I explode and tell him that he had better stop his abuse or I will divorce him. He softens up for about a week, then he’s back at his regular rude self. Yes, I don’t like him anymore. I feel locked in, but not important to him in the least. He doesn’t know how to share anything of himself with me and his favorite pass time is writing nonsense to his brother (email). His brother is also an equally mean person, as are his sisters. His sisters all hate each other. His brother hates spending any time with his sisters. He calls them “bitches”. Of course not to their faces, but to me in conversation. Recently had an insulting experience with his brother. He verbally abused my daughter. Transferred anger (he has been diagnosed with Cancer in one of his lungs). I see this in my husband too. He is angry because his brother is mad at him. So he transfers this anger at me. I just keep my distance. But I no longer care for his family or for him. I have lost my patience for the crazies. I want a normal life. So, I protest his abuse with the threat of divorce!!!
I can appreciate my mother leaving my Dad today. He didn’t know how to love. He needed a punching bag and a vagina, but not a person to love.
I married my husband , but I believe I did it to run away from my home life. I have stayed married because I had two small children (now fully grown). So what is my excuse? I’m sick. I accept an abusive household because I grew up in one. He is not my friend or nor my lover. We tolerate each other, but that is all.
I stand by my message. This blog isn’t convincing to the people who care that you are willing to do what needs to be done in order for this family to become a unit (awkward word…).
If you choose to stay- you need to succumb to the fact that you both need help communicating and understanding each other, that doesn’t happen without outside help/influence. If you’re going to stay-make changes. How many times are you going to make the same mistakes before you learn from them (BOTH OF YOU!!!)
Is this relationship worth the work that it’s going to take to be functional? Is this a positive influence for your kids? Where are the stressers In the household and how can you both work to fix it? These are questions you both need to be asking yourself.
If you’re going to stay, make it worth it for everyone involved,
Seriously. Where is your ex?? I can’t believe he allows the kids to stay there.
Good lord, you’re a mess. You need to get in a DBT program.
Its 2012. Did you leave yet? This is my first time on ‘Slate mag’ and I read your blog – first time I have even read a blog – Farmer sounds mad as hell and perhaps even more than a little jealous of YOUR success. What does he give you, that makes you want to stay and get abused? Did you leave yet? Just went back to your blog to find out who Farmer is…..looks like a dork WHAT are you doing with him? a beautiful woman like YOU? DID YOU LEAVE YET??? PLEASE UPDATE US and take care or YOU and YOURS. This man is an abuser and a coward…….get out there is help in other comments a link to a woman’s shelter. DO IT AND DO IT NOW, TODAY. DID YOU LEAVE YET???
Penelope, I should have known better than to advise you to leave the farmer. Violence has always been a part of your relationships, and if you left you’d only get into another abusive relationship. I’m familiar with the abuser/abused scenarios. There is nothing anyone can do to help you. I am also familiar with Asperger’s, and understand why you would resist change. You have to make your own decisions, and it appears that you already have. The cycle will continue and your children will follow, as this only stops when someone is strong enough to end it. I have enjoyed your blogs, but lost sleep over this one. I guess I have too much empathy. Good luck with your blogs and other endeavors. I can’t allow myself to get caught up in your dramas anymore, so I will be unsubscribing.
Yes, I have lost sleep over this, as well.
I have an uneasy feeling of impending doom.
Please allow the kids to be safe, Penelope and Farmer. Safe from physical violence, safe from anxiety, safe-at-home.
Of the four of you, I “know” them the least, but I feel so protective of them. Please put them first.
Penelope, I’ve been reading your blogs for about a year and wished I could have taken the blogging class you offered recently. But, when I look at this picture, it only brings back memories of my first husband who used to lock me in the house and beat up on me. I was determined NOT to live my life like that and had to come up with a plan to escape – yes, escape. I was his prisoner. I ended up having an abortion which I have repented many times for…don’t believe in abortion now. His problem was that he wanted me to replace his mother and I was determined I was NOT his mother. Took me 3 years to get over that abuse, then I met another man who has been the love of my life for 31 years! A man that only dreams are made of. I was careful the second time around. I came from a home with an abusive drunk father who told me I would never be any good. He passed at the age of 50 and has been in his grave for 20 years now. I CRAVED STABILITY. I still don’t have financial stability, we are in ruins, but we have love. (insert the word hokey here) As a child and young adult, I blamed my dear wonderful Mom for not leaving him. I have since forgiven her, she is a saint. I have 3 sisters who are all messed up and their children are messed up too. In fact, I am raising one of the 9 year olds now because her mother was so violent and on drugs. I have said all this to make a point. Life is too short to spend it trying to fix yourself and everyone around you. I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time, but having the love of a good man means everything to me and the two wonderful Gen Y boys I raised. Forgive the Farmer, I forgave my Mom and Dad. Move on. I agree with other’s comments that the kids pay for this. The little girl I am raising saw way too much violence and crime, it has taken me 3 years to try to erase it from her mind. I pray every day that she does not follow in her mother’s footsteps. If you can’t do it for yourself, at least try to provide a better life for your kids. Get the help you need and don’t allow them to see that again. When two people bring out the worst in each other, it’s not healty for anyone. You are fooling yourself if you think you can fix this. I admire your desire to try, but it is what it is. Try to look at the other side – I re-married a wonderful man who brings out the best in me. He encourages me to ‘shine’ and I hope I am doing the same for him. Neither of us are perfect….far from it, but we are compatible and it’s worth EVERTHING! I consider myself ‘normal messed up’ – I job hop (all recruiters do that)I sleep late, I overeat and benge and then starve to try to fix it – we all have our issues. But, by golly I am happy most of the time and so are my kids.
Psychology of Quiting – my ass! How about Psychology of the ‘gift of peace’ for your children? You are a genuis, why don’t you act like the smart person you are and ‘quit’ this nonsense.
Speaking as a son of a mother whom I witnessed being hit repeatedly by my stepfather, before I was 10… the impact is still felt 30 years later by all three of us. I wish one of us had the strength to stand up then, and say “enough!” sooner. Without judgment, I know full well what the impossibility of leaving feels like. With love, I am praying you can summon the will. Peace & Blessings.
Oh what a poor life you have had. Would you like a baseball bat to your shin as well, or will a right hook to your face suffice?
Seriously, if after getting violated like that, you would rather blog about it than get your life together, then it’s as much your fault as the ‘farmer’.
You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby … or Maybe Not: Why Women are Losing Ground on both Wall Street and Farm Street?
After reading your blog, I am reminded of the tale of two women in business, and how each found her way to the top. One became the head of a national chain by following her passion and the other wrote a recipe for her success.
The first example is the CEO of the $5 billion retailer with more than 1,000 stores across the nation and abroad. The second example is the CEO of the 140-year-old, nearly $8 billion food giant in more than 100 countries worldwide.
Both women grew up in supportive, business-oriented families that encouraged them to succeed. Both found strong mentors and learned to prioritize conflicting demands between work and family. Beyond that, their journeys offer a study in contrasts — a lesson that for women today, there are many roads to success.
Both women point to mentors as the pivotal ingredients in success. They found similarly different approaches to balancing demands of work and family. "I call it ‘Be Here Now,'” one said of her approach. “Be completely immersed when you’re at work, and then when you’re at home, shut off the office. Really be involved with your family.” The other dubs her approach “work/life integration,” rather than “work/life balance.” “Balance suggests perfect equilibrium. There’s no such thing. That’s a false expectation…. There are going to be priorities and multiple dimensions of your life, and how you integrate that is how you find happiness.”
The recession has not been kind to women on Wall Street. Consider these recent reports in the financial press: Even though women hold a minority of financial sector jobs, five times as many women as men were laid off after the start of the recession. Meanwhile, the pay gap between men and women in the industry actually widened between 2000 and 2011. The results show 9.6% more men are working in finance now than 10 years ago, but 2.6% fewer women. Among young workers, the numbers are even starker: 16.5% fewer women aged 20 to 35 and 21.8% fewer women aged 20 to 24.
Even if "You’ve Come a Long Way Baby" women are losing ground on Wall Street and balance between work and family. Find your mentor and keep your work/life integration or family balance baby.
We know the definition of Wall Street is the interception of all major successful financial streets in the world. Wall Street has one of the most iconic representations of market prosperity in the world. Passers-by have rubbed – to a bright gleam – its nose, horns and a part of its anatomy that, ‘separates the bull from the typical farm castrated steers and heifers.
In contrast, the definition of a Farm Street is the limited access minor road with very few improvements, no intersecting cross-streets and typically very isolated.
A Wall Street Woman
I read your heartbreaking post a couple of days ago, and I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but long ago I found myself in your shoes (or lack of them based on the picture ha ha) Though I did get out of my predicament, I chose to keep what happened to myself. Years later, I started to talk about my abuse, and everyone, EVERYONE thanked me for my insight and learned a little something. My point is that I want to thank you for sharing. It is clear that by making your situation so public, you know you have to do something about it, but you can’t, or don’t know how. You are working on it and I want you to know your story had an effect on me. You’ll probably never even see this, at the tail end of 600 comments, but just know I’m sending healing thoughts and supportive vibes. Stay safe.
So many thoughts in my head for you, Penelope. I hope that you are seeking help- not just blogging to the many who have become friends and family. Of course you need people, you need safe people too. Have you read anything by Cloud and Townsend? Safe People may be helpful. Saying a prayer for you.
I guess you can try to rationalize this if you want – it seems that is what you do with your personal life things anyway (homeschooling, getting your hair done in LA, moving to middle of nowhere Wis, etc). I don’t know why you stay…you may love him I guess. It doesn’t seem he loves you, or even likes you. If that isn’t the case because maybe we aren’t getting the whole picture, then I guess you should either paint the whole picture or stop talking about it altogether. As it is, it’s getting to be a further and further stretch trying to link these stories to career advice rather than it just being Penelope’s Life blog.
Your parents left you in Arlington Heights and drove back to Wilmette? It’s rude, but abuse…? You couldn’t hop on the Metra or go to the police station down the street? AH is hardly a slum or the south side of Chicago.
Penelope,
Holy Cow! I hadn’t been on you website for a while and then I start reading your posts. The farmer, your parents, the abuse, your childhood years. All I kept saying was holy cow! holy cow! Since you’ve already gotten a ton of advice from your readers I’m not going to add any more but after reading this post all I wanted to do if I could was just reach out and give you a hug. You are an amazing person and your blog really was the first blog I ever truly took too when I entered the blogging world. I loved your blog because of you honesty and bravery. You have so much to offer this world and your boys. Like I said if I can’t give you a hug then I hope an angel does.
More naked pics please.
SLAM THAT BITCH! NOTHING SAYS SEXY LIKE SOME GOOD, THICK WELTS AND BRUISES ALL OVER HER OVERRAPED BODY.
I’ve been in several violent relationships – all starting from childhood and my violent, bi-polar mother and the molestation of her brother for years.
My first violent relationship with a guy started in high school, he is the father of my three children. He wasn’t violent very often, but often very emotionally abusive.
My second violent relationship lasted only 2 years. I left because he was violent.
My last violent relationship was my second marriage. He was a cop. I was trapped. He threatened me with a gun and locked me in my room or the closet alone. He threatened to kill my children, his children, me and himself regularly if I left him. I paid him $4,000 to leave or I would come clean with every one publicly about what he was doing. I had no proof – I only reached that point when I was willing to die to escape. I finally said “Kill me then, or let me go because I am done. I would rather die than stay.”
It has been four years. I still can’t believe it has only been four years. I am remarried to the kindest, gentlest man. I am MORE SUCCESSFUL in my career BECAUSE I have someone who loves and supports me – even when I talk too much or too loud; even when I act a little nuts once a month; even when I cry; even when I get angry – he is calm. He is supportive. He is rational.
That is what you need. Someone calm in the face of insanity. Someone who would never yell or hit you, or push you or tell you that you deserve any terrible thing. It takes more courage to leave than it takes to stay. You have to be willing to break the cycle for the sake of your children.
Everyone says “I’ll never stay in an abusive relationship” until they are in one and trying to find a way out without hurting anyone else. In my case, I was scared that if he had nothing to lose, he really would kill me.
BTW: I still lock all my doors and I still have nightmares. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve my husband, like I’m tarnished and not good enough. But then I tell myself that I have earned it! Perhaps you have too?
Penelope, I subscribed to your blog 1 year ago because you gave interesting career advice. However, this seems to have become a forum for something very different. (I agree with this poster). This should have been discussed in private with a girlfriend or trusted friend. Especially since you didn’t even update the forum to your situation. Whether you are alive or dead. You have an audience who really cares and was worried. Instead you move on to another topic. Shame on you.
I removed my subscription to your blog. I hope the children survive your stunt.
“That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me.”
I don’t know you but I suspect that you have many people in your life that miss you when you’re not there. Many people that would care if you were to leave.
That hollow feeling you get when you think about leaving is just the unknown. It’s not as frightening as it seems. Better things await you.
“I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.”
I find this statement very sad. Your kids can’t really help you in this situation and neither can we your readers, despite 600+ comments and one reader that even called the police. I wish you had a life with a wide reaching network full of supportive “real life” family and friends that would come to your aid right now. It is a sad reality that Penelope despite 30,000 some followers – seems really alone in her predicament right now.
When someone tells you you need medication, you can be pretty sure they need it themselves.
Not joking.
Do read Patricia Evans some time, if only for the intellectual exercise.
One more thing: I know 2 women who were in textbook abusive relationships. They both said that
1) it was their fault, because they deserved it, and/or
2) they were responsible for half of it, and
3) they couldn’t really call it abuse because ‘it wasn’t really that.’
Does your partner actually take his share of the blame, I wonder? Or is it all ‘you’ and ‘your craziness’ (or whatever you both believe). :(
Wishing you well, anyway. Hope you are both able to get whatever help you need.
“This is what I felt like when I was a kid.”
This is your ‘tell’. When you feel like you felt when you were a kid, you can trust that the situation you’re finding yourself in is not right and not normal. You can try to rationalize it away, but here really is the heart of the matter. The relationship you are currently in makes you feel like you felt when you were a kid, and there is no doubt or question that your childhood was dysfunctional and abusive. What does this tell you about your current situation?
I remember you writing to me a few years ago when I had lost my job and was trying to build relationships with my co-workers to get networking help. I appreciated the time you spent with me; I hadn’t visited your blog in a while and it broke my heart to read this.
I realize you do not want to leave, but a man who would beat you does not deserve you. Women were placed on this earth to be loved and cared for, to me they are God’s masterpiece on this earth. My wife was abused by her first husband and when she discusses it with me all I can do is put my arms around her and hold her and tell her she has left his place in her life. I don’t know what you want to do, but you are better as a woman and as a human being than to be anyone’s victim. Unsure how you feel about prayer, you are in mine.
Leave before you get killed. You’re no good to your kids in a pine box. They need you. Your feelings of neediness represent your adult desire for love which makes you human, and are appreciated.
Who’s the person with ‘no relationship skills’ in this scenario? The wife who is ‘annoyingly talkative’, or the husband who pushes her?
I don’t care what ‘skills’ you do or don’t have, a violent environment is not something you deserve. get out. now.
i sort of get what you’re saying, but.. Do you really want that? Relationships. very few people are actually good at those. Um… thing is, it’s true. you’re gonna feel screwed whichever way you go. But feeling screwed and being screwd…. that’s your choice. feelings tend to go on a hike. reality doen’t. CHANGE IT. before you get killed…
I think that as women, we work hard to have relationships we enjoy because we want to feel connected to people we love. From the outside looking in, it sometimes may be hard for others to understand our choices. I think if we think it will help to sustain a relationship, that we may suffer willingly, ultimately unhappily, to get what we can, resisting leaving (even when we know we should) to avoid starting again with nothing to hold on to but emotional and perhaps physical battle scars.
If it were easy…wouldn’t we all be perfect?
I wish you well.