Blueprint for a Woman’s Life
When I drive, I have arguments with people in my head. I think of someone who does not realize how smart I am about what I am smart about, and I go on tirades to show them how misguided they are.
And I realized one day, while I had a particularly long car ride, that I am actually feeling like I know what women should be doing with their adult life.
Most people would be too humble to say this. But I’m the woman who, after ten years in the workforce, built a career on telling people how to manage their career. So, it makes sense that after getting to age 45 I am ready to tell all women how to live their adult life.
To be clear, I have made lots of mistakes. But I like to think I would not have made those mistakes if I had had a blueprint for adult life like the one I’m giving you, right here. The blueprint starts at age 18 and goes to 45.
1. Do less homework.
Women do better in school than men, but school is not a harbinger of doing well in life. Other stuff is. Other stuff that men do all the time. For example, involvement in sports is a foreshadow of a great career. And video games are, too, because they are both collaborative and competitive–two essential skills. So do stuff guys do, and get grades that are as bad as theirs–after all, you should not be the hardest worker, ever.
2. Get plastic surgery.
This is the must-have career tool for the workforce of the new millennium. You will earn more money and you will have more opportunities for mentoring. Also, you will have a wider choice of men, which, of course, is another way to earn more money.
3. Go to business school right out of the gate.
Everyone has always wanted to go to business school right after college, but good MBA programs didn’t allow it. Now there is an unwritten rule that women can get in earlier because it’s so clear that women who want to have kids don’t really benefit from going to an MBA program later. If you get your MBA early, you accomplish a few key things. Not only do you set yourself up for skipping entry-level jobs, but you also make re-entry after kids an easier process because you have higher level experience before you leave.
On top of that, you are more likely to marry well. Men like women who are smart but not making more than they are. (I do not have a link for this. I have instinct.) Business school is a way to show you are smart, but you don’t make any money in business school. Side benefit: You will be surrounded by men equally as smart as you are but a little older, which is a good hunting ground. (Note: I still think business school is stupid if you are using it to actually become qualified to do something.)
4. Start early looking for a husband seriously.
If you want to have kids, you should aim to be done by the time you are 35, when your eggs start going bad fast. This means you need to get started when you are 30, which means you need to get the guy you want to have kids with by the time you’re 28. People who marry too early are very likely to get divorced. But by age 25, you are safe from those statistical trends. So why not marry early? In any case, start looking very seriously for a husband by the time you are 24. Here is a blog post that summarizes this argument and links to the research to back it up.
5. Milk maternity leave for all it’s worth.
Maternity leave is a complicated political issue, but whatever: For now, it’s your right, so just take what’s yours. Use all your maternity leave, and then make it very difficult to fire you when you return. Start a year before you want to get pregnant, by getting a job at a company that legally must give you maternity leave. I’m not saying you HAVE to take maternity leave, but if you don’t have any, you can’t decide to take it. Position yourself at that company in a job you can do with your eyes closed, in case you want to go back after maternity leave and work. Because if you are taking care of a newborn baby and working full-time, you’ll be doing everything with your eyes closed.
There is an incredible amount of research to show that there should be a single, primary caregiver for the first year. I know that’s not good for feminism. But none of this post is. So look, unless your husband is taking a year off, you’re better off spending most of your time on your kid and not your job. The way to do that is to take all the maternity leave you can and then keep pushing for people to let you keep your job even if you’re not really doing it. Make them fire you. It’ll take their legal department a long time to give permission for that, and you can be collecting a paycheck the whole time. The extra cash can fund the rest of your transition.
6. Guard your marriage obsessively.
Educated women divorce at less than a quarter of the rate of everyone else. Divorce is not socially acceptable for most women reading this blog. We have decades of great data (read Judith Wallerstein) to show that divorce permanently ruins the kids. Yes, it’s true, divorce makes life better for the parents. But kids don’t care. They don’t notice. Kids notice if two parents are paying attention to them, and that is one of the first things to go in a divorce. If you love your kids, you stay married to their parent.
This means that the wife needs to just bite the bullet and maintain the marriage. Stay-at-home spouses keep marriages together more effectively . I know: this is not popular, and not fair, but you do not need to make a crusade out of your family by showing that you can get a divorce and not fuck up your kids. So just bite the bullet and make sure you are keeping your husband happy so your kids can grow up with two parents.
7. Practice austerity.
Austerity is not fun. But you can call it something trendy, like minimalism or slow food.Your ability to manage your life will be nil if you are ruled by financial problems. So that means no big house, no expensive car, no huge vacations. You need control over your life more than you need that stuff. You have more career flexibility, more time flexibility, and more personal flexibility if you can keep your expenses way below what you earn. In this scenario, you do not have to fight with your husband about money. (You can fight about sex and in-laws, which are the other two of the three most popular fight topics.) Also, you can stay home with kids if you want to. And if you don’t want to, you can just be you and admit it. Don’t say you are not with your kids all day because you need the money. That would be a lie.
8. Do a startup with a guy.
Having your own company will give you tons of control over your life. It’s nice to have a funded company because then the investors are taking the financial risk and you are drawing a nice salary even when you are not really earning any revenue. The problem is that VC funded startups require 100+ hour weeks, every week. You should only do one of these types of companies with a guy.
Smart women in their 20s are looking for husbands and cannot be 100% focused on some pie-in-the-sky startup. Women in their 30s are having kids and trying to figure out how to work less. Men are more easily focused solely on work. That’s why there is a salary gap between men and women: Because women focus on work and family, and men focus only on work. Don’t judge. Just get a male business partner. The problem is that men don’t like doing startups with women—it’s bad for them. But still, you can try.
9. If you can’t get men to do a startup with you, do a lifestyle business.
A lifestyle business is one where the revenue is yours to keep. This is good since you will need to earn money, but it’s a little more risky for you personally than a startup because you’re not in it with deep-pocketed investors. Still, a lifestyle business is attractive enough to a woman with kids and a hankering for something interesting in the business world. Also, given the choice between no work, full-time work, or part-time work, Pew Research reports that 80% of women with children would choose part-time work. And we all know that the part-time work opportunities in corporate America suck. So a lifestyle business is the best path to that goal.
10. Homeschool. Your kids will be screwed if you don’t.
The world will not look kindly on people who put their kids into public school. We all know that learning is best when it’s customized to the child and we all know that public schools are not able to do that effectively. And the truly game-changing private schools cost $40,000 a year.
It’s clear is that homeschooled kids will rule the world when Generation Z enters the workplace. So figure out a way to alleviate mommy guilt by homeschooling your kids to get them on that path. You don’t have to do the teaching yourself. You can pay someone. But you need to get your kids out of a system that everyone knows does not work. (Note: I just realized this. This month. And last week, I decided: I’m taking my kids out of school.)
11. Spend money on household help and Botox to keep more doors open longer.
Look, it’s really hard to be a parent and still have an interesting life. Not for men. We have seen enough of feminism to be certain that men are not derailed personally by kids. (In fact, Catalyst reports that having kids increases a man’s earning power. Probably because he is then more likely to have a wife at home inadvertently performing the role of pseudo personal secretary. ) So the more money to spend to get people to help you with your kids, the more time and energy you’ll have to help yourself.
Also, as women age they become more invisible. I know, this is not nice to say. And we are told it’s only true in Hollywood. But since when has something that catches on in Hollywood not been relevant to the rest of us? Even pre-nups went mainstream. So the longer you can look younger than 45 the longer runway time you will have to figure out how to raise kids, hold a marriage together and still keep things vibrant and interesting intellectually. It’s no small feat, but Botox and Restylane will be your best teammates in this part of the adventure.
12. Break the mold in your 40s.
Women get more unhappy as they age. So you can say you don’t like the advice I’m giving. But look, in order to change the trajectory of women’s happiness, we are going to have to drastically change the advice we give to women about how to run their lives. Most of the news about women in their 40s is pretty bad, to be honest. But the good news is that you can change that, by living differently in your 20s and 30s than women did before you. And, if you are in your 40s and reading this, take solace in the fact that by the time women are in their 40s they are great in bed, so if you do nothing else, figure out how to have a lot of sex to leverage your hard-earned talent
I really hope you’re wrong about this, and I think a lot of it doesn’t make sense.
1. I don’t want plastic surgery. I’m no beauty, but neither are most people. I’m a math/programming girl, not a PR girl, so it shouldn’t matter much. And surgery is dangerous — why go under the knife if I’m healthy?
2. I don’t want an MBA, in anything close to the near future. I might consider it *after* I’ve founded a business, but I’m sure as hell not going into debt for it before I’m established. Do I want to throw money away, or make it?
3. It’s meaningless to say “do a start-up with a guy” because most people doing start-ups are guys to begin with. The natural choice for a partner will almost always be male.
5. Fuck spending my time looking for a husband or being busy having kids. Seriously. I do not want to be a household drudge. EVER. If I can manage to do what I’m hoping (I’m the primary earner, my husband’s the primary caregiver; I already have a serious boyfriend/unofficial fiance who wants to do this) then I can be the family breadwinner and all’s good. If I have to be a scullery maid I WILL NOT HAVE KIDS. If having boobs means being cursed with a life of stress and servitude, then life’s not worth living.
At the risk of sounding stereotypical, every home-school kid I have run across is socially inept. Perhaps the push for “social media” – which is really anti-social since it requires no real in-person social skills, just creativity and tech-savvy – will render being socially adept a non-factor anyway.
stereotypical
Thanks for your thoughtful input. To build more on my opinion of this post, I find everything else to seem like sound advice, even though I am not a woman. However, being so adamant on home-schooling, I find ironic since there are several points addressing making sure you find a husband and keep the marriage together. Surely, the decision of how to educate your children should fall on the shoulders of both the father and mother. I find it a bit brazen to recommend how to do that in a post directed solely at women. Plus, another point, and I am saying this fairly ignorantly since all I know about Asperger’s is a lot of what has been posted here, but I will say it anyway. Perhaps the insistence of home-schooling, which does take children out of a primary social environment where they would interact with their peers on an extensive and regular basis – and Penelope’s heavy insistence on social media and her hype of its importance – is tied to Asperger’s? Admittedly, Penelop has said she doesn’t socialize like a non-Asperger’s person, mainly that she doesn’t know how to do so in person or in a professional, formal setting – at least not like people without Asperger’s. Seems like then it’d be easier to be a proponent of an education environment that removes a structured face-to-face social setting, which is also akin to championing social media. That’s all well and good, and that isn’t to say it doesn’t work, particularly for Penelope, but it’s pretty short-sighted to insist that all people follow this direction when the majority of people aren’t similar to Penelope in that respect.
Penny,
Which homeschooling platform are you using?
Is this post a re-run? It’s the same was the less-successful one for a couple of weeks ago:
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2011/08/07/figuring-out-where-you-fit
If Satan wrote a piece, this would be it, but it’s exactly right. Anyone who reads it & practices everything it because she read it would make us sad, but we know a few blondies who never read it but do practice it.
In the new economy, you can’t help but think a heroine who marries the richest man she can find & depends on men for survival instead of trying to hack it is smarter than the rest.
Yeah, prostitution’s super smart.
I read a book about marriage in Congo, written by a missionary who was upset by what he saw. Women were sold to the highest bidder. The more money a man has, the more women he can own. The women in question didn’t have a say in it; it was a deal between the families. Of course good women aren’t cheap, they cost a lot of cows to buy. The same thing happens in Nigeria, by the way. Women marry young, let’s say at age nine, to rich men, i.e. five times their age.
There are, of course a few differences with the advice above, which mainly boil down to: in the advice, woman are free, in all senses of the word; they are told to do the same thing anyway.
Dude, this really sucks. I really liked your writing and I thought you had it ‘figured out’. But you don’t. All you care is about how men value you. The only blueprint this is for is “How To Be Completely Miserable By 45′.
I’m done man, can’t read this blog anymore since it would be offensive to any and all women who have ever stood up for equality.
Oh yes, there are some hot tips here. Esp. austerity and starting a lifestyle business.
Homeschooling might be great for kids but not this mum:) Luckily public schools are fine in Australia and I don’t think they’ll interfere with my kids’ futures. If you can handle homeschooling go for it but it’s just won’t work for most women.
The worst tip is plastic surgery. No way. Maybe Melissa can do some research into the risks of surgery for us?!
And Penelope, the best news is I am amazed you are 45. All that botox etc is obviously worth it:)Is it really true?!
I enjoyed this piece as a mix of friendly practical advice, tongue and cheek fun, and dire parental warning all rolled into one. Thanks! W.C.C.
That blueprint all seems a bit disingenuous rather than sincere or practical advice. Like a rant from a place of bitterness. Maybe she is not being ignored because she’s getting older, but rather, because people are less likely to take her advice seriously.
This is exactly right, Penelope. Going against fertility destroys the most creative aspect of womanhood. Funny how women have been sold the idea that being drugged with a steroid like the pill that affects every aspect of emotions and behavior is normal. Kind of like putting boys on ritalin and sticking them in the corner.
You use the same formula as Fox news. Overly sensational, cloaked as “truth”, and playing on our fears to get us to read your blog. Yuk. I feel dirty.
hee hee love you P = loved this post … I turn 45 in Jan 2012 and I am having a gap year – time off full time work to refind my relationship with the boys, find my waist and find my sex life – love to you le xox
Gawd Lady…what do you write? Do you follow the advise you give?
Cause you sit smugly in your lil farm and preach…how easy!
I did everything according to your timeline… had kids before 35 etc etc… but life does throw you curveballs. Guess I ve dodged some and got struck out a few times too.
Anyhow…interesting as usual.
Some kids who are home schooled do seem to have socialization problems. I think it works better when multiple children in the family being home schooled. Or if the parent involve the children in other programs where they can be with other kids and learn how to socialize.
But Penelope’s son has Asperger’s which is a different situation. It is a struggle to get the services that a special needs kid requires. I was reading another blog where the Mom was going to send her Aspie son to middle school. Instead they found an alternative school that had a mix of regular children and Aspie children. He seems to love it there. But in Wisconsin there may not be options like that sohome schooling is probably a good idea.
I think it’s great that young women today have so much more advice to choose from. The emotional pressure of being single in your late twenties when you know you want a family is pretty intense. But I did really enjoy the activities that I pursued in my twenties, that I am not physically able to do now in my 50’s.
The advice on divorce, it should actually be to choose your husband very carefully so you won’t be looking for a divorce a few years down the road. Which means you may have to marry and have kids later. There are a lot of options.
Wow Penelope. I wish someone had handed me this advice when I was 18. My own mother had no advice so I listened to the feminists whose advice was terrible.
The only exception one might make is for the first point. If a gal wants to get into medical school, for instance, she might need to focus the hardest on her grades. However, for the corporate world, point one is spot on.
I am even printing this out so that I have talking points for my daughter, who is now 2 and a half (I am 44). Thanks for your honesty. We have to keep hearing it!
1) Doing less homework, seems pretty dubious. The suggestion that this allows you to devote more time to the more productive goals “collaborative and competitive” activities like video games (which men do more of) is fundamentally flawed. Women are notorious for engaging in collaboration even more than men. As to competitiveness- isn’t working hard to do as well as you can in the academic field competition? Suggesting that women should do the things men do, because men tend to do very well for themselves, misses the far more plausible explanation that men do better due to a host of social factors, rather than due to their computer gaming giving them a competitive edge. Similarly with the ‘become an athlete’ advice- I followed the link to your article on the topic and the thesis was that athletes do better because they’re competitive. But this in no way implies that taking up a sport will make you more competitive and thus make you more successful. This is like saying that renowned poets are highly successful because they’re highly dedicated and creative, so start writing poetry. In fact, the comparison between male and female academic female achievement is itself a very fraught theoretical issue. I can’t speak for the US stats, but in the UK girls outachieve boys throughout (the stereotypical explanation is the greater assiduousness of girls, because only when boys outperformed girls was differential ability an accepted explanation) until degree level, where girls get more middling grades, do somewhat better on average, but the men take the highest grades. Of course the men still dominate in the workforce, but I doubt this is explained by the skills picked up on the X-box.
2) ‘Plastic surgery is the must-have career tool of the new milennium.’ I don’t dispute the harsh reality that plastic surgery may pay big dividends for some people. This still leaves open huge questions as to whether it is right to get it or to encourage it. A less contentious objection is simply that it’s ludicrous and dangerous to say that it’s “the must-have career tool for the workforce of the new milennium” as though every-one must have it. For a good number of people, the dividends of plastic surgery will be negligible and stating that it is a ‘must-have’ for every-one is highly objectionable.
I’m sorely tempted to fisk the entire article in detail, outlining all these fallacies of reasoning, and false assumptions, because I feel that strongly that it is simply irresponsible to present unsupported advice in a misleadingly authoritative tone to people.
@Betty in Munich: Re: plastic surgery or Botox and preserving one’s appearance:
Taking a long view, it now seems bizarre that in Victorian times, a suntanned woman was thought of as a peasant, not a lady. And in European countries in the Renaissance and post-Renaissance, a portly woman symbolized a wealthy husband/family, a status thing. At this time, ageless and stick-thin is in.
Really, it is best to look strong and self-confident. Those are the true job qualifiers, I think. Making eye contact, behaving assertively, projecting one’s voice . . . and having a good track record and showing analytical and critical thinking skills when presented with “How would you handle (fill in some difficult situation)” in a job interview.
How you look, besides looking serene and above-it-all and having a peaceful half-smile, is not really to the point. It is how hard you work, and what kind of people skills you have.
It would be interesting to know Chris if you are a man or woman and your age. I guess I find that the people critizing plastic surgery/botox, I think are still too young to really say. I am a woman over 45 and 10 years ago I would have never even considered it…but now…I guess I get it and don’t critize those that go down that road. The unfortunate part for me, is I have such a low pain tolerance that I never had my ears pierced and visits to the dentist are torture, so the thought of needles or going under well I can’t do it…yet. But I don’t rule it out.
The best way to be strong and confident is if you look and feel good. That means staying in shape and taking care of your self starting in your 20’s. And then not letting yourself go. This will keep you healthy and strong so you can enjoy your later years too. You might be one of the lucky ones with great genes and may never have to go the route of surgery or botox. But if a woman or man at 50 decides to visit a dermatologist for a bit of help, why are people in such an outcry? Just like anything else this should be done in moderation and not used as a substitute for good health care and a strong self worth. I guess that is how I take P’s advice.
And no matter what you say, the reality is that given 2 persons with all the same skill sets, the more attractive, well groomed one has the better chance to get hired.
BTW, just a little anecdote – my mom (my heroine) is a healthy, active, sweet looking 90 years old. She just returned from a 2-week vacation in South America with my brother and his family. She had an eye lift at 87 because her upper lids were so droopy she couldn’t see properly. The uppers were covered by health insurance – the lowers not, so she didn’t have the lowers done. She tells me she regrets that now. : )
@Betty from Munich: I am female, of retirement age. I am a product of hippie times, and as such, I have never even worn make-up. You couldn’t convince me about plastic surgery/botox no matter what.
However, I don’t have a problem with anyone who wants that for themselves. Different strokes for different folks.
@ Betty from Munich – Re Plastic surgery I like your analysis, but I’m 35 and live in Miami, Florida.
Here people looks at plastic surgery as part of basic maintenance.
Example: My sister got her first boob job at 17; my best friend got a nose job at 21; and I started botox at 31.
Maybe the geographical location is a stronger factor? Rural Vs Urban; instead of age? Just a thought.
Maybe this post should have been called the “Path of Least Resistance for Women” – yes it is a blueprint, but it’s kind of a recipe for disaster, at least marriage wise. And I believe there is a lot advice missing from the Obsessively Protect Your Marriage part.
From the male perspective…we’re not stupid and if you walk into a marriage with this mentality, we’re pretty much going to feel like you are taking advantage of us for a paycheck and sperm. I see problems arising here especially if life becomes stressful for a man from a money, job, or intimacy standpoint.
On a different note, I would venture to say that many women have their hands full with children and homeschooling to do any kind of side business. Congratulations to those few superhuman women who can accomplish this, but my perspective thus far (almost 40) is that most women care more about their social lives and status than they do about income. It’s not a bad thing, however sometimes it becomes a distraction that can damage a marriage. I blame many of the fathers out there for not raising their daughters to be self sufficient and secure in their decisions…that is how women will excel, when the fathers start teaching their daughters like they teach their sons. It happens, but not very often.
The advice on plastic surgery kind of a double edged sword. It can continue the social imprinting that you are not beautiful and it leaves you perpetually insecure about your looks, which is not good for women in general. Now that said, there is the possibility it will help marriage/monogamous relationships in the long run…I will say that it is something to consider because of the way men are genetically wired to be continually attracted to variety. Read “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan.
Oh my David’s and Chris, I think you are missing something really important here, and it has been said before, “there is no negotiating with the biological clock” for women. David – Sperm and a paycheck? Just because a woman has a relationship at 28 does not mean it isn’t a love relationship. I might even argue that those relationships were closer to purer love and a little less jaded than the ones a woman might develop later in her life (based on my own personal experience, of course).
Women in their 20’s think they have all the time in the world, but they don’t. It is a very undesirable situation indeed for a woman to be in her 40’s, trying to work full time at her corporate job, and raise a very young child with a husband married later in life who also has to work ridiculous hours. I also know this from personal experience.
Penelope’s post here provides a path for avoiding that very situation. ( Yes, ok, not everyone will need plastic surgery.)
@ Angela – re “biological clock” – I see tons of older women (late 30’s; mid 40’s) having children and handling their lives perfectly fine. The key is, having a more successful career and then a higher income. They can afford fertility treatments; they can also afford hire assistance to help with household chores.
The advice doesn’t make much sense. On one hand, a woman is a slave of her body (“biological clock”). On the other, the woman can manage her body (plastic surgery, botox). Weird.
Of course, I would be paying more attention if the blogger were Sheryl Sandberg. That’s a successful woman right there.
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Wow, and you say Tim Ferris has no soul?
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
@ Andrea M – funny thing is, Tim Ferrisstill gets tons of more comments, in younger and more successful than P Trunk.
She is funny to read, but I wouldn’t buy stuff that she promotes.
And you say Tim Ferris has no soul?
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
Whoops excuse the double post.
@ Lily I agree. I have gained a bit from some of her previous posts (albeit mostly references to other sites or authors – I bought “4 Hour Work Week” as a result of this blog and quite enjoyed it ha-ha). But this post makes me discount most of what she’s said in the past that I found to be valuable. This post just seems like crazy talk from someone who is lost in life and is full of regrets. It’s kind of sad.
But on the other hand I think she just says things for her own entertainment of reading the reactions, regardless of whether she actually means them (who knows what she really thinks?) What else is there to do in Darlington? :)
@ Andrea M – OMG, I never thought of that; you are so right! Bored in the middle of nowhere, she writes this stuff and let the show run. Poor souls cooeing “how thought-provoking!”; and the others yelling “anti-feminist!”.
FYI – I just checked the mailbag. It’s hilarious! Like, don’t go to grad school, but get a job in the field. LOL.
So would your advice for someone who is recently divorced with a small child be to remarry asap? 37 working recently single mom working full time. Too late for grad school or mba – doing that middle management thing because I didn’t have the balls to tell my then husband that I was going to be a stay at home mom and we’d just muddle along financially – or maybe I didn’t have to the balls to be a stay at home mom – not sure the distinction matters anymore.
As a 29 year old woman who has spent 2 years teaching in primary schools and five years as a nanny for some very wealthy families in the UK, I would like to chime in. And agree with Penelope.
I work with women who think they can have it all. And you can’t. End of story.
I have traveled the world, had some very interesting jobs in advertising and publishing, and have been highly self sufficient. It’s been great. However, I haven’t been able to hold a relationship for longer than two years, partly because of my love of travel and partly because I am willing to travel at the drop of a hat for work. I never made having a husband a priority, although I always thought it was important for me. A year ago, I decided that getting married was a priority and chose to settle down with a stable job in one city. Dating hasn’t been perfect yet, but I feel more confident. I had to change a few things. That’s life.
As far as working moms…I will never be one. I don’t particularly want children and am happy to remain childless, but I let guys know up front that if THEY want kids, one of us is staying home with them. I’m fine if that’s me. I worked as a nanny for so many years and let me tell you what your “help” can tell you about working families:
1. Most women who have nannies, do not need to work. Honestly, when your husband makes around 100k, there is no need for duel incomes. And yet, they do NEED a second income becasue they spend just as much money as they make. I made about $30 an hour depending on the job I worked. Great for me, but not great for their budget. And yes, your help knows how much you make.
2. Your husbands like the nanny. Every single time. It’s because we cook and clean. We iron their shirts. Your kids love us. When your husband comes home from work and you are still at work, they talk to us. When they like us, it’s not beacsue we are prettier or funnier or smarter than you, it’s beacsue we are accomodating. And yes, you are paying us to be nice. But let’s be real, after 6 months, your husband kind of forgets that.
3. The good news to #2? We don’t (generally) like your husband. He’s too old for us, we know what a slob he is, we know how he yells at the kids, etc. The nanny isn’t going to sleep with your husband most of the time.
4. Your kids cry a lot when you aren’t home. I used to have to rock an 8 year old girl to sleep every night becasue she would cry so hard taht her mom wasn’t home that she threw up. She also used to make pointed comments that were wise beyond her years: “You are like a better version of mommy. We spend all day and night with you AND you make us pancakes.” When “mommy” came home, she was tired and frustrated and upset that we had had pancakes for dinner. You should be the one having “breakfast for dinner” with your kids. THose are my favorite memories with my mom. (Who worked part-time!)
5. Finding a husband in America after you hit 30 is pretty hard. Not impossible, but it’s still going to take EVEN MORE mental energy than it would have at 24. Mostly, good men were married off between 25 and 28. And they were in LTR starting at 22-25. So…you are stuck dating workaholics, guys who like to “trade up”, and the ones no one else wanted. Suddenly, instead of marrying a nice 8, you are settling for 5’s and 6’s. And I am not just talking looks, I’m talking the whole package, personality and all.
6. Yes, of course there are a lot of men who will “accept you just as you are.” But will YOU accept them? If you wouldn’t accept any old man that walks down the street, why would you expect him to do it for you? Of course, to be super honest, you have to know that men over value themselves all the time. You acknowledge you are a 7? Well, that man who you judge to be a 7 thinks he’s a 9. And he wants to date other 9’s. So, while I don’t think I’ll be getting plastic surgery ever, I completely believe in the power of investing in a good haircut, pretty dresses, expensive bras, and moisturizers.
Penelope is not the feminist voice at all, but here’s the cold hard fact:
feminism has actually made “having it all” just as tough as it was before. Only now we face different hurdles. Feminism as we know it has made it okay for men to be man-boys and put off having families longer, while they compete with us over everything. And let’s really look at it, if you do want kids, you are already admiting that you ARE different from men. And if you don’t, like me, then you can wait longer. But I don’t want to. I want to have someone to come home to after a long day that will give me a hug. Sorry. I’m the worst feminist ever.
(also: apologies for any typos, I am typing fast and not using spell check, as I am doing this on my lunch break!)
Elle, just wanted to commend you on your comments. Very insightful and a needed reality check for many.
@ Elle – In my USA experience
1. US$100k is not enough to support a family with certain living standards.
2. Men return home from work, and go to their computers/ watch tv/listening to music while the dinner is ready. Talking to wives and kids is an effort, and for them is acwkard socializing to a domestic assistant.
3. Kids love their nannies, but they know who is their real mommy. Working mothers do lots of activities with the children (baking cookies, swimming, museums, besides homework, of course).
You can have the marriage + kids + career + social life.
It requires smarts, planning, and self-awareness; it requires a deliberate effort, and I think that’s the thing: It’s not easy.
PS If you like traveling, look for a man who has to travel for work. I’ve seen many LT relationships with couples that travel 25%+ of their time, and believe me, it can work.
Agree 100%. I married young. Ditched the career path early on to be with my kids, then homeschooled them.
Everyone thought I was crazy not to “fulfill my potential”. But I did–just my way.
At 45, I have no regrets. And the happiness I feel makes me look like my sons’ sister (or so many tell me).
You might hope that your kids will rule the world, but based on my experience going through the educational system, home schooling is pretty god damn awful for the kid’s social development. (I was homeschooled for 2 years btw).
So through out high school, I did the nerdiest of nerdy things, and of course, lots of homeschool kids did too — debate, math team, speech, and band. Amongst even the uber nerds, the home schooled kids were consistently the most shy and withdrawn. This continued to be true when I left for college( a good one, don’t worry). The home schooled kids had an advantage in learning, but were way way behind in socialization.
You might think your kid’s getting the same social experience and way better education, but trust me, your kid is not getting the same social experience. At home school, your kid gets to learn at his own pace right? That’s not true in the real world, whether it’s a shitty public high school or private college. Are there any bullies at home school? There are bullies in the public school system, and hell, bullies in real life. What’s it like to meet new people without any support from your parents? Who knows? But that’s what college is like.
I went through the public school system, and I agree with your criticism, generally, but I don’t think homeschooling is the way out.
For a woman of above-average native ability to choose not to have children is profoundly anti-social. Viewed in light of its long-term effect on the general welfare, such voluntary barreness is hardly less deplorable than murder.
What is the long-term prognosis for a meritocratic society in which educational attainment and career success correlate inversely with lifetime fertility and only women at the bottom of the scale reproduce at more than replacement rate?
@ Wumhenry – great comment. That behavior is actually typical. Europe, and now Asia is showing the same trend.
Did you read this week’s The Economist editorial page? An unexpensive solution could be for men to help more with the housework.
http://www.economist.com/node/21526350
The Economist editorial doesn’t mention the most troubling aspect of the trend: the inverse correlation between birthrate and objective indicators of ability and the predictable dysgenic effect of same.
For women of above-average ability, bearing children out of wedlock and either raising them without fathers or giving them up for adoption would be better for society than choosing to have none.
What nonsense.
There is no evidence that intelligence goes through the genes, and quite frankly there are enough kids languishing and waiting to be adopted, because everyone is as selfish as you, and want “one of their own” because no-one will admit that they are below average.
I doubt The Economist is going with the “society is getting dumber” line on the editorial pages – LOL!
As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with a lot of this post – especially the stuff about getting married young, being with your kids as much as possible, and planning your career for flexibility. And have followed a lot of this advice – all inadvertently, of course, and without any kind of master plan. However, I do want to clarify something – this is a great life plan, if you really, honestly do not give a fuck about having a real career. I don’t – I would much rather be with my kid and my husband, any day. I have a job, a low-involvement job that lets me schedule my life around my son’s school schedule. It’s not a career. It’s not anything I’m ever going to make serious money doing. But I like it and I can keep my kid out of the till-6 p.m. after-care at his charter school (no homeschooling for us, thanks; the charter school is fine). But if I had deep-seated desires to have a great and powerful career – this life plan would be a blueprint for misery, without a doubt. It comes down to doing what you know will make you happy.
The biggest thing women can do to create happiness for themselves is to admit to themselves what they really want, and then go for that and forget the other stuff. Do you really want children? Really? Then get a teaching certification or a nursing license or do something else that will enable you to be there for your kids and not make yourself crazy with guilt. Do you really want a high-powered career, and could give a shit about having kids? Then do that, and don’t let anyone convince you that not having kids is a mistake.
The unhappiest women I know are the ones who are trying to “have it all” – high-powered career, kids, marriage, nice house, nice cars, etc. That is like being on a treadmill that never slows down, that you can never get off of. My car is 7 years old and my house will never make a lifestyle magazine spread, but on early-dismissal days I can go pick up my kid and take him to the park. That matters to me. I will never be CEO or partner or VP of anything, and I don’t care. That doesn’t matter to me. The whole “having it all thing” is a complete and total myth. Be a parent, or be a company president. Don’t try to do both, because you will end up doing something badly – and if it’s parenting, then congratulations, you’ve screwed your kids up for life.
And no, you don’t need a rich husband to pull off the “no career” thing, although it helps. You just need an understanding that all the material crap in the world isn’t satisfying as living the life you want to live – and actually, that’s true whether you have kids or not. Do you want to wake up at 45 and wonder why your life sucks so much, and why you’re so unhappy, but hey, at least you have a new Lexus? Or do you want to wake up and think “Goddamn, I have a great day ahead of me today!” If you can figure out a way to combine the money thing and the happiness thing, more power to you. But life on the corporate hamster wheel isn’t how the vast majority of people get to happiness, from what I can see.
These are by far the the best career tips for women I have seen on a blog! Thanks for such an insightful post.
UUUUM…No. Have plastic surgery? Just bite the bullet and keep you husband happy? I know lots of moms (including my own who had a career and kids) and had them go to public school and we turned out okay. This post basically says if you are going to have kids you have to give up all of the other parts of your life to keep a family and it just isnt so—my mom had a spouse, friends, and a career and she did a GREAT job.
AND…I also just realized you talk a big game…of contradictions and inexperience. But PLEASE explain:
How can I do LESS homework—and go to school to get my MBA?
How can I get plastic surgery and botox—while practicing austerity??
Start looking for a husband early and guard your marriage—how did that work out for you? Oh yeah, 1 divorce and now recently married to a guy that has dumped you according to your own words, more times than you can count? Partially because of his mommy? Does anyone but me see you heading for divorce number two???
How would YOU know if kids are screwed up if they are not home-schooled???? Are you saying YOUR kids are so screwed up now you had to pull them out? You haven’t even BEGUN to home-school your kids yet, don’t even know if you will stick with it, and are telling other people to do it? PLEASE. STOP.
OH yeah…Break the mold by realizing all of this? And if you are already 40, well at least you have good sex going for you?? UGH! Are you so unhappy that you feel the need to try to push it on the rest of us? Is this really what you feel about YOURSELF?
Read the article on the study—it says that men and women have the same desires (happy marriaqge) but that men are more likely to have them filled—but it doesn’t list why. Funny. You might say its because us girls are too career focused and let our families fall apart—but that would lead to unhappiness on BOTH sides so that can’t be it. I think it’s because so many women have the same old school way of thinking that you do. They spend ALL of their time on family and NONE on themselves, only to look up one day and see they have accomplished nothing outside of their kids and husband on their own. And its important for EVERYONE to have their own accomplishments.
Don’t get me wrong I love your blog—it’s honest and real and Brazen Careerist is great—but this entry is just a tad upsetting…
Gosh Lily, let’s not take Penelope’s advice to the extreme. In a nutshell, all she is saying is that the majority of (heterosexual) women will find more of these ideas helpful than unhelpful, particularly if family is important to them. She wants others to benefit from the wisdom she picked up from her mistakes, and for that we ought to be appreciative.
Amy, you are right. I am also a woman who has been trying to have it all and it only makes for misery. Downsizing is on the horizon. Lord, pull me off the hamster wheel.
Wumhenry, good point! Woe to the nation whose only reproducing class is also its least educated and poorest!
That is totally right! Thanks for sharing that guideline. =) I’d like to add that woman once married should make sure to have a happy and loving family. And also a must have we should have a happy soul. so let us not forget god. =)
@ Angela – actually, in ALL nations the “least educated and poorest” are the ones that reproduce the most.
In general: when national income rises, birthrate decreases. Just an observation.
Trust me; you really DON’T know what the blueprint for a woman’s life should be.
Telling women to get plastic surgery isn’t just a feminist faux pas; it’s advising women to spend a lot of money mutilating their bodies to appeal to the worst aspects of society.
There is something truly wrong with you.
Hi Lily, they might reproduce the most, but do we want the most educated to avoid procreation? This is not the America of our grandparents, when being born into poverty and ignorance was still very much a surmountable circumstance.
I do not want to contemplate the day when the majority of educated women in America opt out of family-making all together.
Thank you Penelope, for offering a recipe to make it somewhat do-able.
And to those who criticize, a blueprint is just a blueprint. Don’t like the plastic surgery room? Put something else there then, like a life-long gym membership room, or substitute the points about less homework and getting an MBA with studying very hard and going on to medical school. You get the picture.
Hi Angela,
My point is – that happens in all the countries.
See Europe, with all that family-friendly work policies. But that type of legislation would be perceived as “socialism” in America.
I see your point. I just don’t see the solution as simple as ‘be a patriot – procreate’.
Hi! Just to be clear I am not the Lily from Florida, 35. I am from Chicago—just same name! I started posting on the 23rd–the three comments posted in a row on that date are from me. (She started on the 22nd) And I read through all the comments! :P It looks like we might have the same opinion anyway! LOL!
Hi first Lily! :) I guess I’ll just go by LilyChicago. :P
On that note I’m not sure either of us said anything regarding non educated persons reproducing, ANGELA, but since I find what was said horrid, I will respond…
To Angela & Wumhenry, I’m sorry you are a little off—-SINCE WHEN DID BEING EDUCATED MEAN YOUR OFFSPRING WOULD BE? Did people start becoming born with college degrees?? And if so why the heck did I take out thousands in student loans for mine? I know plenty of kids whose parents didn’t go to school and ended up graduating from college *POINTS TO SELF*
I also know plenty of people that are not college educated and have great kids–whether they decide or have the ability even to be formally educated or not. But thank you, for making it seem as if just because people are poorer and can’t afford to go to school that they are somehow just bumbling idiots and that our nation would be lost if already educated persons didn’t have kids. Where did you get YOUR degrees from, and please tell me so I can avoid THAT university at ALL COSTS!
I’m sorry, ignorance regarding the working class and education is NOT a reason to follow PT’s ridiculous advice—nor does it make said advice any less contradictory and irrelevant to her actual situation.
LilyChicago wrote:
>>SINCE WHEN DID BEING EDUCATED MEAN YOUR OFFSPRING WOULD BE? [snip] I know plenty of kids whose parents didn’t go to school and ended up graduating from college *POINTS TO SELF*
I also know plenty of people that are not college educated and have great kids – whether they decide or have the ability even to be formally educated or not. But thank you, for making it seem as if just because people are poorer and can’t afford to go to school that they are somehow just bumbling idiots and that our nation would be lost if already educated persons didn’t have kids.<<
Whoa! I'm not assuming that people without college degrees can't beget intelligent kids.
But the ugly fact is, according to statistics compiled in Murray and Herrnstein's unfairly-maligned *Bell Curve*, that if you sort the adult female population by educational attainment and compare lifetime fertility, the only group that's reproducing at higher-than-replacement level are those who don't even finish high school! Some high-school dropouts may be quite intelligent, but do you doubt that women with college degrees — and, a fortiori, women with post-grad degrees, who have the lowest average birthrate of all — are *on average* more intelligent than women who don't finish high school? It's the averages that matter from a social-genetic standpoint, not the exceptions.
Movie recommendation: If you want to see where we're headed if the current trend continues, watch Mike Judge's dark comedy *Idiocracy*, available on DVD from Netflix and other sources.
wumhenry says:
“Some high-school dropouts may be quite intelligent, but do you doubt that women with college degrees – and, a fortiori, women with post-grad degrees, who have the lowest average birthrate of all – are *on average* more intelligent than women who don’t finish high school?”
Um…NO! Because a college education doesn’t necessary make you more intelligent in my definition. *insert George W. Bush joke here* But I guess it depends on what we call intelligence. Is it being able to recite what was read from a book—-or about applying what you have learned to this real-world we call life and adjusting as necessary.
I take the latter—-and know TOO MANY college educated fools (most in upper management) that do not come close to fitting the bill!
Hi LilyChicago,
Yes, it seems we share similar opinions :).
Really, my jaw dropped when I read the word “dysgenic” in Wumhenry’s comment. Un-effing-believable.
I know! And it continues! *cry* Why, LilyFlorida, WHY? *faints*
Hey, Penelope wrote a recipe (blueprint). You can like her recipe and use it or not. You can adapt the recipe, leaving out some ingredients that you don’t like/don’t have in your repertoire/don’t stock on your shelf.
She means that we all need a plan. Even the most disorganized person has a plan floating about in his/her mind. The plan reflects your values and priorities. Follow it. Revise it according to your developmental phase and according to the life events you have experienced: the example of your parents; experiencing catastrophic illness or the death of someone close to you; marriage or divorce; having a child/ren, launching a child into the world; and many more.
Know that your plan is unique. As you get older, you tweak it more and more to you. Your plan is not better than anyone else’s. No need to go into attack mode because her plan seems crazy to you. Enough with the defensiveness.
We can learn from one another. Penelope has sparked all these responses. The cynic calls this “increasing traffic to the blog,” but we all benefit from the dialog.
Oh, and did I mention? Enough with the defensiveness???
Guys, my favourite comment up there is the one that said
“VOLUNTARY BARRENESS IS HARDLY LESS DEPLORABLE THAN MURDER”
The comment was refering to “native-ability” women.
What would that commenter suggest to do with those women. Stone them to death?
This P Trunk chick is the Sarah Palin of self-help.
>Guys, my favourite comment up there is the one that said
>
>”VOLUNTARY BARRENESS IS HARDLY LESS DEPLORABLE THAN MURDER”
[snip]
>
>Posted by Sue on August 24, 2011 at 10:20 am
Only if you’re of above-average intelligence. That might let you off the hook, Sue.
Calculating your life like this only leads to disappointment. This is a very uninspiring post and a terrible message to women in their 20s (I am in my 30s). For real inpiration I recommend reading Viktor Frankl’s “man’s search for meaning.”
To be Penelope sounds very unhappy. A blueprint like this only leads to disappointment. This is a very uninspiring post and a terrible message for women in the 20s (I am in my 30s) Fo read inspiration I recommend reading Viktor Frankl’s ‘man’s search for meaning’.
@ catherine maddi: I agree about Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. But it is not either/or–rather, it is both, to ME.
Penelope doesn’t seem unhappy to me, except in the sense that none of us can be steadily happy. We have our ups and downs, all of us.
Rather, Penelope seems like a restless soul, a seeker, one who longs and yearns:
Good, better, best;
Never let it rest
Till the good is better
and the better best.
These folks become lifelong learners . . .
This is a very uninspiring and depressing post. I believe Penelope is unhappy – maybe everything is in place on paper but she comes across as unsatisfied. Any blueprint for life only leads to disappointment. Life is about the good and the bad and happiness depends on how you react to the bad. For real inspiration I recommend reading Victor Frankl’s ‘man’s search for meaning’
It’s hard to wrap my head around #6 – you should include a disclaimer that states to GET OUT of any marriage where: you are being emotionally and verbally abused and even after months of counseling and discovery of “less-than-honorable” activities by a husband who turns out to do nothing but lie at every turn and who has ignored you and your children for years – there is no such thing as being able to guard your marriage obsessively.
I think the only people taking this “Blueprint” seriously are young, inexperienced women. Penelope is basically saying don’t work hard, don’t get good grades, don’t become accomplished and work in an industry you’re passionate about. She’s saying find a wealthy man in business school or elsewhere so you can marry early, have babies, use up your maternity leave. She also suggests finding another man to form a start up with (because you’ll be too busy looking for a man or having babies). Seriously? This is the funniest piece I’ve ever read!! And all of this advice from a divorced woman with documented marital problems, an inability to get formally married because of tax reasons, documented problems with the IRS and no successful start up that she’s actually helping to manage. This is the person you are going to take life lessons from? Go to school and work hard for the sake of accomplishing success on your own. Pick a career that you’re passionate about and throw yourself into it. Don’t think you’l have only one career. You may have several. Don’t treat men as a means to an end. Marry men that you love (was that a collective gasp from the 20 year olds?). If you want to start a business work with men and women you respect and can learn from. Run from the idea that if you marry a wealthy man early in life you will be happy for the rest of your life. Have children when you’re ready and love them to death. Don’t follow Blueprints written by others. Make your own Blueprint because you are unique and talented. Also this idea that women are miserable in their 40’s was written by a woman who seems miserable in her own life. Life is what you make of it. Whether you’re 40, 50, 60 or 90 people will respond to you if you extend yourself to them. One of my neighbors just turned 93. She’s involved with her church, goes out with family and friends (of all ages) to dinner, plays and parties. She has exactly one cocktail every evening (Jamisons) and alays sees the glass half full. She is one of the most delightful people I know.