Bill Zeller, Congresswoman Giffords, and mental health
Two things really rocked me today. One is the suicide letter from Bill Zeller. The other is the shooting in Arizona.
First, Bill Zeller. I am not going to reprint the suicide letter here. He killed himself, and he left a 4000 —line note. He asked that people do not reprint excerpts, but he would like a wide range of people to read the letter. So, here is a link to the letter in full. I really recommend reading it.
Zeller wrote a lucid account of what happens to one's insides after sexual abuse. It's the best account I've ever read, actually. And, having my own history of sexual abuse , I can say that his feelings are very familiar to me.
Though I know the feelings are not normal, what I'm telling you is that there are a lot of people walking around with feelings like Zeller. I'm sure of it. One reason I know is that I just read research that the more children a woman has, the less likely she is to kill herself. Which means that people who kill themselves think they are not worthwhile and are not doing anything good for the world. And I completely understand that.
This is why I want to write. Because I've been in therapy for 35 years. Some days suicide seems so obviously the right choice that it's amazing to me that more people don't do it. I don't really understand why more people don't do it.
I read Zeller’s note and I think it's incredibly sad that he couldn't turn to someone for help. There is someone reading this post, right now, who feels hopeless. It's so hard to see our own lives clearly. Resumes are like that—each line is distorted because we distort our vision of ourselves. And just as professional can help us see our work history more clearly, a professional can help us see our personal history more clearly as well.
When things are going terribly, and you haven't been able to fix things, you need help. Everyone who cannot get a job should get career counseling. Because if you haven't gotten a job in a year, you probably need someone to help you change how you see yourself. And everyone who has been sad—depressed and can't fix it—should get help.
It is not reasonable to think that if you have been sad for more than a year that you can fix it yourself. It is not a shortcoming of yours. It's a part of being human that we are complicated and sometimes we get stuck.
People need help. Look at yourself. Ask yourself if you need help. Believe me. You are not a uniquely, an unsolvable problem. Most of us are not complicated to a therapist in the same way that most of us are not complicated to a professional resume writer. We are complicated only to ourselves. The more impossible your problems feel, the more you need someone to talk with about them.
Something I love about this blog is that you reflect me back to me in a more clear way. You call me names, you tell me when I'm too hard on myself, you tell me the obvious solution, and then you echo the obvious solution in the comments until I give in.
I am lucky. And I still need to go to therapy.
Andrew Sullivan is live-blogging the unfolding of the Arizona shooting and he notes, at one point, that psychologists who are watching videos of the gunman are fairly certain that he was having a psychotic episode. (Which means, of course, that this was not political. And, while I'm writing in parenthesis, Sullivan also notes that the intern who saved Congresswoman Giffords was Hispanic and gay and, until a week ago, could have been stopped randomly in Arizona and asked to prove his citizenship.)
The mental health system is broken. Few people have enough money to get good mental health care. And few dollars are spent to encourage people to use those expensive benefits. But we can help change that by spreading the word that going to therapy is a hard first-step, but it's life-saving.
So, I was thinking that in honor of Bill Zeller, and the killings in Arizona, everyone today could each post some encouragement to the person who feels stuck but is hesitant to get help.
The world gets darker and darker if you don't ask for help. Can you write, in the comments section, how you forced yourself to ask for help? Can you help someone else today?
Another story told – another voice heard. It’s unbelievable the number of voices that are not silent, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/becoming-adult
Thank you, Penelope! This is really my first delve into blog reading, but I was drawn in by typing “what the f&#$ should I do with my life?” into a Google search. Your posts are eerily parallel and helpful to some particular demon I have been struggling with. I came looking for career advice, but since I’ve changed my diet, my resume, and asked for help for depression and hopelessness. Bill Zeller’s note is chilling because we have all probably felt that darkness and misery at one point and cannot imagine a lifetime living that way. Thank goodness I have not allowed myself to get to that point.
My mother is an autism and Asperger’s specialist, so I forwarded her to your posts, and that was the way I started the conversation. I was finally able to say to her: “I’m sick, this isn’t me, this isn’t how I want to feel or to be. I want help, I’m sorry and I want to change these things that hold me back.” For the first time I was able to just admit I wasn’t in control and couldn’t fix myself, which is quite hard for a social worker with a psychology degree.
So, thanks. You changed my life.
I had a time that I looked at a knife in the kitchen and thought about taking my life. I freaked myself out so much with that one thought. I have always loved life. The thought of not being in it was a true wake-up call that something was wrong. Why would I ever think that the world would be better off without me? Why did I feel so bad about being me?
I finally started looking for outside help when I learned there was such a thing as emotional/verbal domestic violence. I thought if he hits me, then he was abusing me. I had no idea verbal/emotional abuse existed. I started doing research on it as I’ve always been one who wants to understand things. I learned that a cure for my low self-esteem wasn’t by staying with someone who treated me badly. I also wanted to understand why I couldn’t just up and leave as all of my friends and family told me to do. I read how one place to start was by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) to ask where I could go talk to someone. They referred to one place that wanted to charge me for counseling. I couldn’t afford counseling, but I knew I needed help. I called the hotline back and asked for a different county’s resources. At the next recommended facility, I was able to get free counseling. So I started going to group and individual sessions to understand why my abuser was doing what he was doing.
I learned that I have no control over him and my hope that one day he’ll be good to me won’t cure anything. The only thing I had any control over was my actions and the sense of self worth I had about myself. I choose to work on me instead of “us.” I chose to make a better life for myself.
I eventually left my abuser and made a great life for myself.
I learned it makes me a stronger person for asking for help. I once thought I would appear weak if I did. Nope. Asking for help is incredibly brave. I’m proud of myself for taking the steps to save myself from a life of misery. I hope others will let themselves be free, too.
I’ve never considered myself depressed. But I have thought from time to time that life, my life, was not very satisfying, hopeless really. And so thoughts of just ending it come easily at those times.
But it is messy. So many people would be upset. It’s a paradox really – in some ways you want to call attention to yourself, but in other ways, suicide is such negative attention.
My problems had/have mostly to do with relationships – unsatisfactory love situations. I went to a therapist. Twice. He didn’t solve my problems, but he gave me whole new perspectives on what my problems are. I have to solve them myself, even though it is hard and I get stuck, a lot.
I myself am a career counselor, and I know I have helped hundreds of people redefine themselves, rebuild there self-confidence and self-worth. And go back out there and live a productive life.
At those times I forget about my problems. And even if love never comes, I know I still have something to give.
Great blog, PT. I really felt this one.
I’ve had two suicide attempts in my lifetime – one as a teen and one (the serious attempt) shortly after having my daughter. Both times it was completely about feeling inadequate, useless, and not looking forward to anything I thought was going to happen next in my life. I just remember feeling so overwhelmed with what I “predicted” was coming in my life and feeling I had no control to change it or make my life what I really thought it should be. Plus, I didn’t have much help from the sexually abusive (or just plain abusive) people in my life as well. The biggest thing that has kept me going is God. Its been something that’s been instilled in me from a very young age, and even though the Guy Upstairs never seems to talk back (audibly), I find I can pull myself out of my darker perspectives when I try to look for Him in the people and the world around me. Just the simple act of looking at the sky and saying a short prayer instead of the ground and count all the problems I have, or looking for the beauty in people rather than being suspicious, being kind when I feel like flipping the bird to the world – it all helps turn my perspective around and doing everyday things in life aren’t just a difficult drudgery anymore, they actually become pretty enjoyable.
I don’t think you have to be “religious” to believe in God or believe in love, or have faith in a power you can tap into that makes you stronger. I do believe, though, that its the fundamental basis for enjoying life and finding purpose in it. No pill or amount of friends or money or any other trick in the book has worked unless I actively practiced looking past EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and believing that life just IS. It isn’t “meant” to be one way or the other. But its definitely enjoyable when we look for the greater good rather than the worst.
Blue skies,
Kim
I was pretty much brought to tears from reading his letter. I have felt and experienced everything he wrote about his life. I too was sexually abused, my parents knew and didn’t talk about or mention it and church/God was the absolute resolve. I hated my life and everything that encompassed it. I lived with depression for a long time. I felt closed in and alienated from the world I lived in because I didn’t and couldn’t trust anyone with my “secret”. I also wrote the letter and when it came to killing myself I couldn’t do it. I knew that I wanted joy and happiness from my life and that by ending my own I would never feel this way. I resolved even though I can’t escape my past I can create a better future. I sought professional help but I just couldn’t talk openly about the sexual abuse. Bil Zeller’s suicide is now an inspiration to me and my life. I will not allow my negative past to dictate my future. He walked around with his “secrets” tormenting him instead of dropping them like hot stones. Getting professional help is advisory and being determined to overcome your life’s obstacles is what matters most. Two years since my suicide attempt and I’m living a better life. It does get better and if no one knows about the things that torment us most why should we carry it along?
Bill, I’m sorry you had to go like this but given the opportunity I would have tried my best to just be a friend. I’m extending this invitation to anyone who also just need someone to listen. Most times that’s all we need.
I know many of us who have gone for ”professional help” don’t find that its always the cure for what’s brewing in us. We can feel even worse reliving all of our problems out loud to some stranger, or we can find a ”professional” who doesn’t act like one. There isn’t a one size fits all cure for everyone. None of these- and all of these – suggestions for cures are correct. If someone else tried something and they say it worked for them – try it! If it doesn’t work for u personally, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work at all. Meditating, exercising, God – a lot of people say these things work too. Ultimately, u want something that is an enduring tool to help u remain productive i n your goals so u don’t depend on drugs or expensive counselors or other things that may take more time, money, effort away from things u would RATHER be doing. I personally don’t think reliving bad experiences over and over with anyone is healthy for me (it happened once, why keep feeling those feelings over and over again?) so God and biblical ideologies help me focus on who I AM right NOW and the past does not have to be a part of my life everyday. Don’t let anyone talk u out of anything that may be something that can help u be more self-reliant to get over the past, and actually ENJOY life now, especially God – the theologies have helped countless people for centuries and still does.
At 42 years old in 2007, after losing a testicle, 12 years of self-medication from (12-24yrs old), 2 failed marriages and then remarrying my second wife over, a lifetime of sexual confusion and inappropriate ways of coping with CSA I chose to seek out a therapist that specialized in Male CSA issues and now I am perfect……:) Hahahahahaha….. Actually, no but I have a life and do have moments of wonder, beauty and happiness that no one can take away from me.
At 43 years of age I decided to take my Therapist’s advice and give SSRI’s a try to take the edge off of things emotionally, I was NOT happy doing this but I was man enough at this point to come to the realization that I could be looking at life/death. It hasn’t cured me and yes I am still fucked up but I triumph over every fucking day no matter what.
To be honest it is a drag that I waited that long to step up to the plate and do this. I thought recovery was enough but it wasn’t, therapy and crazy pills may not be enough but for now it has to be.
Better yet, I am on my 7 month of unemployment and into my second year towards my MA in Sociology, but I can crack a smile and try not
to be so serious all the time.
http://www.malesurvivor.org – To my brothers- there are resource and there are people to help you. You are not alone. No more secrets, no more pain.
Too much of this kind of shit happening in Jersey lately.
Thanks Penelope.
much respect.
Hi Penelope,
Jolie O’dell shared this letter to her site and shared her own. Sometimes the problem with being successful is that people look up so much to you, that they hang on to every word you say, that you seem so invincible that everyone thinks you know and could do anything. Please remember that we are here for you, we need you. WE appreciate you.
Also, may I share this favorite quote of mine,
“A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships”
Penny,
I’ve been depressed for a long time. Sometimes it’s worse sometimes better. I love this blog because it helps me to realize that others have problems too and are not as together as they seem.
I tell myself that I’m depressed because I have no options, but I don’t do anything, consistently, to increase my options. Additionally, I seldom do things for the pleasure of doing them, it’s always for someone else’s benefit. That’s depression folks, now what, so what? We move on.
Keep writing…
Penelope, I think you will appreciate this. Mental illness runs in my family and my Mother committed suicide in 1998. I have been ever vigilant in my own life to work against my hereditary disposition. On that note I have found a wonderful doctor and while I have been able to thrive without medical aid most of the time, I’m not shy about asking for help.
The last time I needed help was March 2010. I fought it and fought it, and finally looked into the eyes of my son and knew I needed the meds. I shared that story with my Doc and she in turn shared a story with me that blew my mind. She had a patient that was literally having a psychotic break and heard voices, saw things that weren’t there, full on delusions. She did nothing, didn’t tell her husband, tried to deal with it all on her own. It was only when the voices told her to hurt her children that she called her husband and asked to be taken to the ER. The hallmark of that story is how strong our parental instincts can be. It also shows bravery in how she finally asked for the help that she needed.
I volunteered for a crisis line for many years. I can absolutely say with full confidence, that oftentimes we touch lives without even realizing it. A simple act of kindness, such as smiling at someone CAN make all the difference when they are on the edge. I heard that from many of the callers. They were ready to end it and recalled how a clerk was nice to them at the store today, and that gave them faith enough to make the call to the crisis line.
We all need to remember that the way we treat other people from our spouses, family, co-workers, to a stranger in a store are actions that are similar to throwing a stone into a lake. There is a ripple effect and we choose whether it is negative or positive.
Random acts of kindness for no particular reason is what I call this. I deeply believe in your ripple effect concept.
I believed everything was ok with me and I didn’t need help, that is until my wife developed schizophrenia. As we battled through the tough times. I saw first hand the tormented person that my wife had become. She had no control over it and the disease sucked her up as if she was lost in a blackhole of despair. It took this for me to realize I needed help and what I was going through could be helped with counseling. Counseling probably saved my life!
Therapy is one of those things that people don’t place enough value on.
If it’s a choice between cable TV and therapy, you choose therapy. If money is tight, find a support group or ask a therapist if they can adjust their fee.
Either way going to therapy is no different than going to the dentist to have your teeth cleaned. It is no different than changing your eating habits and exercising to improve your health. It is no different than buying food to feed yourself.
If you need it, you need it, and you need to commit to yourself to do without other things until your personal mental health is better.
As for the bits of help that people can learn from.
Depression is the antithesis of perspective. If you are depressed, if you are angry, if you are crazy… You are incapable of having a clear and real perspective on anything.
I read that suicide letter over and over. I sat in my cubicle with tears streaming down my face, lightning striking inside, unable to communicate how incredibly moved I was.
I originally came across this letter because my love sent it to me to help me understand why he sometimes curls into a ball and shies away from sex.
He, who was so overly sexual when we first met, has such layers of complexity surrounding intimacy. He could tear down and throw up walls at a whim. At first his reckless nature was exhilarating, now they are that but also confusing. I sometimes interpreted them to mean he was less attracted to me but in reality, it was because we were growing closer and it was easier to shut down.
I understand a little more now because of that letter.
I asked my counselor about he and I. She explained that people who have these terrible experiences end up displaying promiscuity sometimes because they unwittingly learn that sex is not something they are allowed to say no to. And that’s why my honey had all these layers.
I am still trying to understand. I love him with all my heart and feel such pain at his experience. It’s difficult to me too because I am selfish and not very good at keeping my needy side at bay in order to look out for his best interests, but my intentions are good. That matters in the end, right? That I mean for the best for both of us?
This whole post was incredibly powerful. I posted it to my facebook wall because I wanted the information to be spread and already a huge dialogue has resulted. Thank you… thank you…
Does it really matter what your intentions are if the end result is you lopped someone’s legs off? That you caused them to lose their job, and as a result their home or career?
Malice only matters when trying to figure out how much you should blame yourself.
I was unemployed at about the 4 month mark and I thought I knew it all. But I still wasn’t getting any good bites. I took some free classes in my local community college and the career counselor was free to see. I showed her my resume and I couldn’t believe it she had some great advice. She saw things I couldn’t. It still took me six more months to find something, but all the while my confidence was sky high after that.
As someone who tried to commit suicide, and who hovered for many years on the edges of it, I understand how normal and ordinary the idea of suicide can be for someone in pain. It was always a Plan B in my head for many years.
As for Bill Zeller…the saddest thing to me about his letter (and there were many moments that made me both sad and angry, especially at the adults who put him in that space) was that it was very clear, through his words, that he did not feel like he was worth fighting for.
For any one person to feel such a lack of worth is not only really sad, but a reminder of how completely destructive abuse is to a child – and how hard it is to heal from it.
I’ve had periods of suicidal thoughts since I was about 10 or 11. Wasn’t abused, just always felt lonely and different and my parents were emotionally vacant. I went to a therapist about 10 years ago, and he said to me that suicide wasn’t about dying or about feeling there was nothing to live for, but about making the screaming stop. And since then, I can recognize when what’s going on in my head seems just too loud and it’s time for help – which might be talking to someone, or just taking a few hour walk on the beach or in the woods. That’s saved me and helped me see that the slope is slippery and long and only ends in destruction. I can’t stop starting the slide from time-to-time, but thankfully, I’ve been able to install some footholds on my many long climbs back up the hill. I hope anyone feeling as poisonous and worthless as Bill Zeller did is as fortunate as I in getting some peace without dying. It is possible and worth the slog.
Martial arts helped me at first, when I was in college and just starting to decompress from a verbal / emotionally / occasionally physically abusive childhood.
Then as I got close to graduation, I didn’t have time for it. When I started my job, I didn’t have money for it.
Until a tragedy happened that struck close to home, and caused flashbacks. It took five months to find the time and a place, but I got back into martial arts, and working out. That worked for quite a while.
Life happened, I lost a pregnancy. In the recovery time, I started group counseling at the local women’s shelter. It helped me see that I was not alone, it helped me know what to watch out for, and it helped me to see that I was really all right now.
One of the habits I started very young, was always to have something to look forward to. Even something small. A movie, a party, a book release, the next belt testing.
The Let Go…Let Peace Come In Foundation is a newly formed nonprofit with a mission to help heal and support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse worldwide. We are actively seeking adult survivors who would be willing to post a childhood photo and caption, their story, or their creative expressions to our website http://www.letgoletpeacecomein.org. By uniting survivors from across the globe we can help provide a stronger and more powerful voice to those survivors who have not yet found the courage to speak out. We also have a prepared a youtube video that can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4PDC03Gl2k. Together we can; together we should; together we NEED to stand up and be counted. Please visit our site for more details on how you can send us your submissions. The website is also helpful for survivors in general, providing resources, information and daily mediations.
Remember, you are not alone. Thank you for everything you do!
Gretchen Paules
Administrative Director
Let Go…Let Peace Come In Foundation
630 W. Germantown Pike; Suite 180
Plymouth Meeting, PA 19462
It was many years ago, while in college, that I desperately needed help – but I had no idea how to get it. Years later, when my father became critically ill, my employee assistance program at work suggested I go for professional counseling. This was my “legitimate” entry into therapy. My father, who never would have understood the notion, became my entry way to a personal lifeline. And — I’m forever grateful.
Penelope, do you know about Reactive Attachment Disorder? I wonder whether it may be helpful to you to know more about people who have that diagnosis.
http://radicaladventures.blogspot.com/2008/08/symptoms-of-attachment-disorder.html
Very well written post.
“Can you help someone else today?”
I think this is a question each one of us has to ask ourselves each and every day. The mental health system is broken and I don’t think it can be fixed by money alone regardless of the amount of money available. It will require a consensus of people everywhere that mental health is every bit as important as physical health and then make it obvious to everyone that helping each other out to our best ability is actually acting in our own best interests. Professional help should always be available and encouraged when necessary. However it’s the help that we get from each other that will sustain us.
Overcoming the stigma of any form of less than ‘perfect’ mental health is tough for both the afflicted and those close to him or her. This may be more difficult than asking for help in the first place. The mere thought of being labeled may be daunting but it would be nice if it weren’t. An example of mental health gone awry is the large number of veterans who are homeless or unemployed or both. They qualify for help from the government but either are too proud or find it too difficult to make their way through the maze. We may not be a mental health professional but even active listening skills and encouraging words are helpful.
Finally, a quote from an article titled “Inside the Battle to Define Mental Illness” I recently read at Wired Magazine ( http://www.wired.com/magazine/2010/12/ff_dsmv/ ) that I have always thought to be true and echos my sentiments –
“Every so often Al Frances says something that seems to surprise even him. Just now, for instance, in the predawn darkness of his comfortable, rambling home in Carmel, California, he has broken off his exercise routine to declare that "there is no definition of a mental disorder. It's bullshit. I mean, you just can't define it." Then an odd, reflective look crosses his face, as if he's taking in the strangeness of this scene: Allen Frances, lead editor of the fourth edition of the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (universally known as the DSM-IV), the guy who wrote the book on mental illness, confessing that "these concepts are virtually impossible to define precisely with bright lines at the boundaries."
The experts are still struggling mightily but I’m optimistic and I think the attempt by most everyone to become more knowledgeable about mental health is encouraging.
The problem is, that when you are drowning in your own psychosis, asking for help is foreign….and actually getting help is worse than your trip to the DMV.
Finding this blog was an accident but I think a significant one. I think you all may just have saved my life.
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The question I have for you is, do you believe that restoring love and rebuilding your marriage can begin today? If you said “yes” then I applaud you because fifty percent the battle is alreadyly won, if you believe in your mind and heart that your marriage can be transformed.
Love this post. Suffered with depression all my life. Like my last therapist has said “it will always be there sort of with it’s arm around your shoulder”. Ugh…but there is hope, there are things to look forward to, the sun will rise again. I take meds now, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I try to eat healthy. I stop and enjoy my children. The best advice I ever got, which was just recently, was to get out EVERYDAY. Talk with other people, interact. My psych said it’s so important to do this on a daily level because your mental health is at stake and it is so important to you and those whose lives you affect.