8 Tips for anger management
People at work are asking me why I am not working as many hours as I used to. I am. But I am working on anger management. Here are seven tips I’ve tried using:
1. Face the problem and make it a priority.
I used to think anger management problem is a thing for men who are in prison for setting their wives on fire. Now I see it's a problem for people who think they will get fired for being unpleasant. Or for people who think their kids will grow up and hate them for being emotionally unpredictable.
I am both those people.
2. Focus on your trigger points.
The time I most consistently lose my temper is trying to get the kids out of the house in the morning. So I told myself to not lose my temper.
That didn't work.
So I have been waking up at 5:30 because I need to give myself two hours to be completely organized and calm so that I can get the kids and myself out the door for school and work at 7:30 without screaming at the kids for not eating fast enough because I changed my clothes for work three times and got behind and forgot to make lunches.
I thought of having the nanny come in the morning to help me. But I hate feeling like I'm married to the nanny, and I hate feeling like I can't do normal parenting things on my own. The mornings with the kids seem theoretically intimate, and making school lunches seems like a rite of passage for moms with school-aged kids. I want all that.
3. Use deep breathing to regulate stress.
I have been doing Ashtanga yoga for ten years. I thought I was amazing at yoga, but now I see that the point of yoga, calming, centering, whatever, is lost on someone who is focusing on the routine of fifty push-ups and five headstands. Now the breathing resonates with me, when I do it at 5:30 am as a desperate attempt to keep myself calm long enough to get to work.
3. Have a regular sleep schedule to improve your ability to self-regulate.
I pack the school lunches the night before. And I pick out my clothes the night before. The guys I work with think I don't ever change my clothes. This is sometimes true. Especially when I'm depressed. But a lot of times I change my clothes but all my clothes look the same so I don't even get credit for having thought about it the night before.
To get up at 5:30 am with a good night's sleep I have to go to bed at 9:30pm which means I have to get the kids to bed by 8pm so I can have an hour to do lunches and clothes and washing my face, which, if you are my age, takes ten minutes because of all the cream stuff I use.
I do not explain this when a co-worker asks why I don't have twenty minutes to fix home page copy at 8:30 pm.
4. Accept that every day includes unpredictability, and that's okay.
So it's a regular day where I am insanely regimented in a desperate effort to not be angry but at 7am I realize that I forgot to pack to go to the farmer's house. I also realize that it's freezing outside, and I didn't put the car in the garage and it's going to take ten minutes of warming up the car so I can scrape the ice.
Then my seven-year-old can't find socks without holes in them.
I change my clothes so I can scrape the ice and I yell from my bedroom that he should look in his brother's drawer for socks.
He yells back up that he wants me to sew the socks so that we are not wasting. “It's recycling,” he yells.
5. Understand the true source of your frustration.
Then the boys have a fist-fight about who is wearing whose socks. I do not catch them until there's a cheek scrape which upsets me because now my four-year-old will go to school looking like he lives in a boxing ring.
I have prepared myself for a moment like this: I identify that I am not upset with my sons but upset with what the world thinks of me as a parent. I tell myself I am good at self-regulation and I do not take this frustration out on my children.
I say, “Put on nice socks and let's have breakfast.” I want to tell you I used a calm voice, but I worry I used a psycho, calm-before-the-storm voice.
6. Understand the impact food has on your moods.
I make waffles. I watch the kids eat squishy, warm, covered-in-syrup waffles. I watch them wash down the drippy syrup with marsh-mallowed hot chocolate. I am convinced that when I eat sugar and bread it makes me crazy–that I just want more and then cannot think of anything else. (There is such interesting research on this. Click here: A study about how civilization is based on the opiate effect of grains on humans.) It takes every bit of self-discipline in my body not to steal scraps of waffle from the four-year-old's plate. I need to remember to not give him so much. I need him to feel more protective of his portion.
7. Use solutions-based language in tense conversations.
I want so much to be remembered as a dream mom that I put their mittens and coats over the heater so they are warm after breakfast.
The kids don’t notice warmness because they are punching each other, furtively, like I'm not going to see them if it's under their jackets.
As we walk out the door, my seven-year-old starts crying: the snow pants in his backpack are wrong.
I tell him those are to keep at school. I tell him I am streamlining our morning by keeping snow pants at school so we don't have to bring them back and forth.
He does not like his other pair. He is crying. I decide I am going to take a firm line because really, it's school that makes him nervous and he finds something to cry about every morning and I have to put a stop to this.
I tell him I already made a decision about the pants. I tell him I am the mom and I already made a decision. This is good. Kids feel secure when they have boundaries and authority.
He screams.
I pound the refrigerator with my fist.
I scream, “Shut the fuck up with the crying.”
I scream, “If you don't quit crying every fucking single morning I'm never taking you to school again.”
That's how it is. Nearly 24 hours of preparation to get through a morning without me yelling, and still, I break thirty rules of anger management in thirty seconds.
My four-year-old says, “Mommy, you're hurting me.” And he covers his ears.
8. Slow down a tough situation so you make good decisions.
I take a time-out for myself in the living room. I say a prayer to the god of anger, if there is one: please let me always pound the refrigerator and not my kids.
I take them to school. I kiss them too much when I say goodbye. I tell them I love them like my life depends on it, while other moms, who clearly do not worry about yelling and maybe don't even worry about waffles, casually do drop-off and drive off to the gym.
Then I go to work, and everyone is laughing and joking about Pee Wee Herman's new show, and I yell, “Arrrggh! Can everyone please shut up for twenty minutes so I can finish my post? I can't think with all the banter.”
Ryan Paugh tells me that it's not that I can't work with talking. I work with talking all the time. He says, “It's self-loathing. Take some responsibility.”
I want to tell him to fuck off. But I need a quiet place to write this post, so I go to his office, and sit on the floor, and I hope he doesn't talk to me, because it's 8:30 am and already I am not having a good anger management day.
Wow. I just found your site yesterday and this post was something to read.
I told a coworker about it this morning, telling him (he’s an older, very old fashioned person) that I think the reason people enjoy reading what you write is because you’re honest in a way that most people would never be. Oh, that and the fact that others will be able to identify with you, but at the same time feel relieved because we’re not as “bad” as you are.
We know that you definitely have a problem with anger. Here is my advice. Don’t use the f-bomb or say shut up (practice is the only way to get this down). If your kids are yelling, screaming or whining and you start doing it back at them, it may temporarily release the pressure, but ultimately, you’re losing control of the situation – and your kids can tell (even if it’s on some subconscious level). Explain exactly what behavior on your kids’ part is making things worse and what you need from them. Repeat yourself every time the problem comes up (eg., Remember, you need to put on socks before you come down for breakfast. I get frustrated/mad when we are constantly running late and this is your job in the morning.).
I believe that people can change. But I also think that it’s important to accept yourself the way you are. There will always be some part of your life or personality to improve upon. But the dream of being some Leave it to Beaver mom just isn’t going to be the reality for many of us. That’s okay, as long as we know that we’re still pretty good and that we refuse to beat ourselves up for not being perfect.
Remember the important part. You want your kids to feel loved, have fun and grow up healthy – mentally, emotionally and physically. Ask yourself if you’re doing the right things to accomplish this, not whether you measure up to June Cleaver.
My dad has anger management issues and yelled a lot when I was a kid- actually, he still yells a lot. No matter what anyone says to try to make you feel better about yourself, when you fly off the handle in front of your kids it is scary. Don’t sugar coat it or pretend it’s not a big deal. If you want to use the f word, then use it in private to say f the waffles and the perfectionism (but don’t say it in front of the kids).
Kids respond to your emotional state. When my dad yelled it was scary for me. When he did it in front of my friends it was embarrassing. It did affect my self-esteem and made me really shy. So yes, when you lose control and yell like that, it is scary for them and it is hurtful. Get it under control. Find other ways to manage your frustration, but whatever you do, don’t lose it and start screaming at your kids like that.
Take a bit of advice from the one who was on the bottom of the pile of dead bodies all the time: If the young one is crying about going to school every day..there’s something wrong with school, not the kid or you.
Some kids are smarter or more sensitive than cogs in a corporate wheel. Find a way to do something else, like virtual school or homeschool or just a different school.
Embrace your anger, but don’t use it as a ‘release’, because there is no such thing. Getting good at anger just makes you think you like it. The only time you should be mad enough to say “fuck” is when you are talking to the school that teaches everything except living. Be a rebel. Keep all of them home for a snow week and let the System of systems go to hell while you figure out what people are for, and how you and your kids are going to be useful to the planet and the species in the future. School won’t help with that. If school is teaching it, then humans probably don’t need it: corporations do.
As a mom who’s kids are ALWAYS late for school, I have decided not to care too much about tardiness too much. I mean, I tell them it is important to be on time, but when they are grown, they are already going to have the unpleasant memory of being late for school almost every day. I don’t want them to have even more unpleasant memories by yelling about it all the time.
Since the yelling doesn’t work anyway.
I think you’re too hard on yourself. You have a (probably more than) full-time job but being a mom is 24/7. There are certain aspects of life, like motherhood, you can’t get away from, which is why I don’t have kids. I don’t think I could handle being a mother.
Everyone gets stressed out sometimes. Some of us, myself included, need to verbally let off some steam. It’s okay to swear. Hey, it’s even okay to swear around your kids sometimes. You know they’ll hear it eventually. But I think if you take the time to explain to them later on, when everyone is calm, why you were mad, it will be okay.
I don’t read this blog all the time so I may have missed something but why does a woman who blogs for a living need to get to an office by 7:30 am? I thought some of the advantages of a supposedly flexible career are that mothers could begin their work days at a sane time, achieve better work/family balance, and suffer less stress for themselves and their children. That being said, if I were yelling the f word at my children on a regular basis, I’d give up the perfect mommy fantasies and hire a morning nanny in a heartbeat.
The boss (and Penelope is the founder and one of the bosses) has to be at work early.
If Penelope is one of the bosses, all the more reason to change the office cultural norm to something that works better for her. Like an 8:30 am start time. And yes, I’d say the same thing about male bosses.
Janet– if you come back–you’ll soon see that there’s so much that doesn’t add up. But the stories are better this way. Next week–invasion of giant beavers at the Trunk house.
The detailed checklists are a great idea. Effective list-making is a valuable skill that your kids can use their whole lives.
I love this post. I am having trouble keeping my thoughts to myself at work. It isn’t good, I know. The frustration level gets too high and then it seeps out of my pores. Sometimes it isn’t a seep but rather an explosion. I have butterflies in my stomach this morning about walking into my office. I should add to my list of resolutions, TO SHUT UP! Great post, thanks!
I found a link to this blog in “What Matters Now”. I have no idea who Penelope Trunk is, but I thought I would read the first post to see what she is about. I was more intrigued by the Asperger Syndrome than anything. I still can’t stop laughing from reading this post. Everything seemed so normal and calm at first. It just seemed like a mom talking about her day to day struggle with anger when it comes to her kids. But, when she told her son to “Shut the fuck up with the crying”, I lost it! I’ll be checking the posts here often now.
Check out Calhoun.org. They have a chef (Chef Bobo) who prepares great organic lunches so no packing lunchboxes anymore. He teaches children about food, trains chefs, writes and other schools are picking up on the concept!. Everything can be done for the same amount of money either schools spend on terrible junk food lunches or parents on whatever lunch they pack or buy on the way to school. It’s worth it!
Healthier children, better behaved parents, and you can even have breakfast at school!
Hey, PT, I was just thinking …. what DO you do for stress management? I’m asking because one of the best things I ever did was to let myself get talked into taking martial arts. Now, when things get to the exploding point, I go outside and break boards, do punch drills, or kick a target mitt until the anger and stress are dissipated and I am “sane” again. This might be a help to you, and if you had your sons train as well, the discipline and respect that they learn in the dojo would probably spill over into daily life. It did for me and my kids. We’re still not perfect, but things are definitely better.
Not sure if you’ve posted about this previously but I think you should seriously consider taking a management class if this continues to be a problem for you. A friend it did it a few months ago and she’s much better now.
Haha, I agree that anger management can come in handy for any parent… Nice blog, I like the way you write!
Ditto! I can’t help but laugh out loud sometimes reading through some of these posts. I truly enjoy Penelope’s style.
Hi Penelope,
Have you ever tried meditation for anger management? If not, I recommend looking into Vipassana. http://www.dhamma.org It’s a 10-day silent meditation retreat. Yes, 10 days, and silent. Seems impossible, but it’s not. 10 days is nothing considering the number of days we spend angry, frustrated, unhappy, etc. And the silence is refreshing.
It has changed my life and many others. And it basically helps you do all the things you’ve been trying to do, but at a much deeper level. If you have any questions, I’m happy to share my experiences. But the only way to know is to try it yourself.
Jung
Nice article, thanks for the information.
Some of the major keypoints to sort out your anger problem. Great post…i will focus on the things which i was not! :)
Really useful advise is deep breathing to regulate stress.
I had tried it before in tennis, and now it helps me in parenting. Thank you
I laughed and @ the same time felt sad reading this post. It reminded me of being a kid way back and the reasons why I just can’t stand kids and the thought of having some in the future.
I’m known to NAG and get worked up easily in such a way that my face alone, when I’m angry, can make a baby shut up instantly ;).
Here’s to hope in finding that perfect solution to successfully handling our anger issues.
I like this list. #7, in particular, was an eye-opener for me. This serves as a great source to start building relationships with others.
And this is my almost every morning with a bipolar/ADHD kid. Down to the trying to regulate and failing after about 30 seconds. And changing my clothes three times. Hello, its nice to meet you, because I think you are me. Except I’m not a famous blogger and shit like that. And I don’t date a farmer. Yet. I don’t date yet.
Wow, this was a great article. In the the Motor City where I live, tensions have been high for so long. #4 really caught my eye.. People need to understand that tomorrow, is going to be different. Once that occurs, the need to accept the notion that everything will not be the same. That to me is where people need to wake up. Everyday is going to be different, and we need to roll with the punches.
I like to reserve curse words for releasing steam when I am really angry. The words lose their power when used all the time. People who know me know that if they hear me swear, that I am really angry, but using the word actually releases the anger.
good tips
I like to use tony robbins 7 day “postive challange”
Helped me out a lot although I’ve never made it past day 5 but the main thing is…
You have to stay postive no matter what for 7 days in a row and if any negative thoughts enter your mind you can only keep it no longer than 5 mintues and if you do the challange starts over
Learning about the amygdala “dashboard” and the compromised communication linkages between it and the frontal cortex, in our Aspie brains, has REALLY lifted a burden of guilt from my own temper issues. Understanding that, where neurotypical people get a full dash with needle gauges, feeding them plenty of emotion information in time to adjust and correct, we Aspies just get a dash full of those useless lights, really helped. By the time the light goes on, we’re long out of water, our engine’s overheating and about to blow, and we only just got the memo! The compromised channels explain why we can deep-breathe ’til we’re blue in the face but we’re still raging: Our Aspie amygdalas aren’t even getting the message, we’re shouting “Allo! Allo!” into the radio and our amygdala’s just receiving static. There are now some CBT anger management techniques being developed for Aspies, that take that amygdala dysfunction into account and work around it. Still hard to do when you’ve got kids, but it’s better than it was!
Hello Everyone,
I am absolutely so relived to see all these helpful comments I almost cried. I had one of these mornings today. I am 25 year old single mom who works 50 hours a week and have to be at work by 8. I woke up early today and my 6 yr old was up early, but it seems like the earlier I wake the more time I think I have and I divert my attention from getting ready to cleaning house and other things..then I am late out of the shower and my son is not listening when I tell him to put his clothes on and then I cant find a thing to wear and I am frustrated thinking million things that I have to do during that day and its all down hill from there. I scream and yell and curse at my son and my bf and then feel horrible the rest of the morning for yelling and then I am apologize to my 6 yr old for my behavior and he is so understanding I love him. But I noticed when mommy goes a lil loca my son listens after that because he is afraid I am going to yell which makes me think hey this works and makes me feel horrible because it took me to that point to make it work. I have major anger issues I am constantly swallowing everyday but I really want to get a hold of my crazy filled mornings where I am out of control and flying off the handle. If I can control the mornings I feel like I can control the rest of the day. But here I am at work feeling like the world worst mother and wishing all my coworkes would stop talking and go to hell because my mood is so rotten but I am sooo thankful to google and to have read all these post because I realize I am not the only one and as I thought this morning as I was driving back from dropping my son off. Theirs always a solution and if not theirs always sacrifice. And I need to realize that I expect to much of my self and in trying to so hard to be perfect mom I am failing in other things..My mom never got up with us in the morning, since I was 5 I remember getting my own self up and getting ready and walking to bus stop. My son will never have to do that because I am really involved in his life way, but I am thinking I wish my mom was up yelling and screaming for me to get ready when I was young but not as much when I got older when I could just leave with out hearing her mouth. So in reality every family is different and I just want to stop cursing at my son and calmly get through the morning because its two hours later and I still feel the residual effects of my anger and my why do my coworkers have to put up with my nasty morning moods. So thank you everyone I have made a list of all the thoughtful things people posted and will sit down with my boyfriend and my son tonight and figure out a better morning routine so we can avoid all the things I feel horrible about. In addition I feel like I might need therapy for my anger issues, but currently cant afford healthcare. Can I fix these issues myself without seeing someone? I feel like I can and then I can't. Pls help.
i didn’t read the whole thing but i did notice that you there are 9 and that there are two 3’s.
There are a lot of ways in handling our anger. These tips you provided are very helpful in dealing with this emotion. It is just important to know our limitations so that we can avoid causing destruction to those around us.
This is an old post that I just found via google on a desperate search for “stay at home mom anger management.” I can’t tell you how much this post helped decrease my incredibly high level of guilt I have right now for showing my 5 year how to snap and flip out after being pushed to my breaking point. In fact, I was laughing out loud with tears in my eyes…so thank you for making me feel sane and normal. I really needed that!
Oh shit. I’m not alone. So much self loathing. Thank you for your bold honesty.
Nice post on anger management. Very impressive post and you had taken a good example for explaining the situations comes with children. Children can upset with the anger of parents so managing anger will be good for both parents and children. And children can learn anger management by watching their parents.
this made me cry, especially the fight with the 4 year old to go to school. i am a single mom…i think i’m loosing my timper so fast (with all the pressure i face daily) i’m worried that my 4YO boy would think i don’t love him anymore!
Before becoming a mom, I worked with some of the toughest kids on earth. I literally have scars from times when kids flipped out while I stayed cool and collected, then followed my training and collected my self-care like it was cake. I have a degree in special ed that included a lot of training in behavior management. I was really good at it. I then worked at Social Services as a caseworker but quit when I had my own kids. It was too much. I’d thought I’d be so awesome at parenting and sometimes that’s true. But sometimes, I lose it and swear at my son (who is admittedly a tough nut.) I absolutely hate this about myself. I find the triggers difficult to pin down but they almost feel like latent imprinting from my own childhood and a somewhat unpredictable streak of rigidity in my personality. I hate it and am struggling to figure out what to do about it. My kids aren’t abused. I’m not a terrible parent. But there’s section where my parenting isn’t good enough; where my reactions are unacceptable and I don’t seem to be having much luck fixing it. I think the advice about getting language under control is probably good although it makes me a little sad. I was ready for the majority of the lifestyle changes that came with becoming a mom, but I love swearing and will be sad to change that. Anyway, thanks for writing this. I hope it got easier.
LOL you make me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you.