8 Tips for anger management
People at work are asking me why I am not working as many hours as I used to. I am. But I am working on anger management. Here are seven tips I’ve tried using:
1. Face the problem and make it a priority.
I used to think anger management problem is a thing for men who are in prison for setting their wives on fire. Now I see it's a problem for people who think they will get fired for being unpleasant. Or for people who think their kids will grow up and hate them for being emotionally unpredictable.
I am both those people.
2. Focus on your trigger points.
The time I most consistently lose my temper is trying to get the kids out of the house in the morning. So I told myself to not lose my temper.
That didn't work.
So I have been waking up at 5:30 because I need to give myself two hours to be completely organized and calm so that I can get the kids and myself out the door for school and work at 7:30 without screaming at the kids for not eating fast enough because I changed my clothes for work three times and got behind and forgot to make lunches.
I thought of having the nanny come in the morning to help me. But I hate feeling like I'm married to the nanny, and I hate feeling like I can't do normal parenting things on my own. The mornings with the kids seem theoretically intimate, and making school lunches seems like a rite of passage for moms with school-aged kids. I want all that.
3. Use deep breathing to regulate stress.
I have been doing Ashtanga yoga for ten years. I thought I was amazing at yoga, but now I see that the point of yoga, calming, centering, whatever, is lost on someone who is focusing on the routine of fifty push-ups and five headstands. Now the breathing resonates with me, when I do it at 5:30 am as a desperate attempt to keep myself calm long enough to get to work.
3. Have a regular sleep schedule to improve your ability to self-regulate.
I pack the school lunches the night before. And I pick out my clothes the night before. The guys I work with think I don't ever change my clothes. This is sometimes true. Especially when I'm depressed. But a lot of times I change my clothes but all my clothes look the same so I don't even get credit for having thought about it the night before.
To get up at 5:30 am with a good night's sleep I have to go to bed at 9:30pm which means I have to get the kids to bed by 8pm so I can have an hour to do lunches and clothes and washing my face, which, if you are my age, takes ten minutes because of all the cream stuff I use.
I do not explain this when a co-worker asks why I don't have twenty minutes to fix home page copy at 8:30 pm.
4. Accept that every day includes unpredictability, and that's okay.
So it's a regular day where I am insanely regimented in a desperate effort to not be angry but at 7am I realize that I forgot to pack to go to the farmer's house. I also realize that it's freezing outside, and I didn't put the car in the garage and it's going to take ten minutes of warming up the car so I can scrape the ice.
Then my seven-year-old can't find socks without holes in them.
I change my clothes so I can scrape the ice and I yell from my bedroom that he should look in his brother's drawer for socks.
He yells back up that he wants me to sew the socks so that we are not wasting. “It's recycling,” he yells.
5. Understand the true source of your frustration.
Then the boys have a fist-fight about who is wearing whose socks. I do not catch them until there's a cheek scrape which upsets me because now my four-year-old will go to school looking like he lives in a boxing ring.
I have prepared myself for a moment like this: I identify that I am not upset with my sons but upset with what the world thinks of me as a parent. I tell myself I am good at self-regulation and I do not take this frustration out on my children.
I say, “Put on nice socks and let's have breakfast.” I want to tell you I used a calm voice, but I worry I used a psycho, calm-before-the-storm voice.
6. Understand the impact food has on your moods.
I make waffles. I watch the kids eat squishy, warm, covered-in-syrup waffles. I watch them wash down the drippy syrup with marsh-mallowed hot chocolate. I am convinced that when I eat sugar and bread it makes me crazy–that I just want more and then cannot think of anything else. (There is such interesting research on this. Click here: A study about how civilization is based on the opiate effect of grains on humans.) It takes every bit of self-discipline in my body not to steal scraps of waffle from the four-year-old's plate. I need to remember to not give him so much. I need him to feel more protective of his portion.
7. Use solutions-based language in tense conversations.
I want so much to be remembered as a dream mom that I put their mittens and coats over the heater so they are warm after breakfast.
The kids don’t notice warmness because they are punching each other, furtively, like I'm not going to see them if it's under their jackets.
As we walk out the door, my seven-year-old starts crying: the snow pants in his backpack are wrong.
I tell him those are to keep at school. I tell him I am streamlining our morning by keeping snow pants at school so we don't have to bring them back and forth.
He does not like his other pair. He is crying. I decide I am going to take a firm line because really, it's school that makes him nervous and he finds something to cry about every morning and I have to put a stop to this.
I tell him I already made a decision about the pants. I tell him I am the mom and I already made a decision. This is good. Kids feel secure when they have boundaries and authority.
He screams.
I pound the refrigerator with my fist.
I scream, “Shut the fuck up with the crying.”
I scream, “If you don't quit crying every fucking single morning I'm never taking you to school again.”
That's how it is. Nearly 24 hours of preparation to get through a morning without me yelling, and still, I break thirty rules of anger management in thirty seconds.
My four-year-old says, “Mommy, you're hurting me.” And he covers his ears.
8. Slow down a tough situation so you make good decisions.
I take a time-out for myself in the living room. I say a prayer to the god of anger, if there is one: please let me always pound the refrigerator and not my kids.
I take them to school. I kiss them too much when I say goodbye. I tell them I love them like my life depends on it, while other moms, who clearly do not worry about yelling and maybe don't even worry about waffles, casually do drop-off and drive off to the gym.
Then I go to work, and everyone is laughing and joking about Pee Wee Herman's new show, and I yell, “Arrrggh! Can everyone please shut up for twenty minutes so I can finish my post? I can't think with all the banter.”
Ryan Paugh tells me that it's not that I can't work with talking. I work with talking all the time. He says, “It's self-loathing. Take some responsibility.”
I want to tell him to fuck off. But I need a quiet place to write this post, so I go to his office, and sit on the floor, and I hope he doesn't talk to me, because it's 8:30 am and already I am not having a good anger management day.
OMG, P – This IS ME – I promised myself every single night that I wouldn’t lose my temper the next day getting everyone out to school, to soccer practice, to basketball, to ballet, to do their homework, eat their vegetables, brush their teeth, go to sleep…
My children are in their 20’s now, and I recently told them that my husband (who I have always believed is infinitely nicer than I am) was a much better Dad than I was a Mom – they were shocked – they didn’t remember my outbursts as anger at all – they just thought I was hilarious…maybe I should have used the F-word more…
I am so glad you wrote this!
Everybody has days like this, in one form or another (I think). You said other moms don’t worry about this? I highly doubt it! It’s just a rarity for people to come out and admit it… I mean, if it’s not the particular problem of yelling, then it’s the problem of being passive aggressive. Or putting too much pressure on the kids. Or being mean to the husband. Or drinking too much. Or being shallow. Or ….
The important thing, like you said in the happiness post, is to be thinking about it every day.
The good thing is that people are pretty resilient. Everybody has flaws and all the people around them have to deal with them. The important thing is that your kids *know* that you see your own flaws and are working on them. Which is worth way more than a morning of not pounding the fridge, I think.
Oh gawd! What a morning. This post had me snorting and laughing out loud. I know … not very empathetic, is it? But it’s because of this: I recognize it all. I agree with other commentors that it’s important to acknowledge my faults to my children (mommy’s tired, mommy’s not so much fun, mommy lost her temper) but everyone owes it to their kids to do more than that — to not just acknowledge, but to be conscious and work on a real change (not just a “sorry”). And you ARE doing that. You’re ahead of the crowd. Thanks for sharing in such an open and honest way.
Penelope,
I grew up in a house where this was the routine morning/afternoon/any outing we planned. In fact, as adults, it still sometimes turns out like this. Maybe you will all need some counseling in the end, but most of the world does. I adore my parents, and while my family has its ups and downs, we have great memories, even of the “yelling mornings”. Work on the anger management but remember that you are human.
My aunt (mother of two sons) has a magnet on her fridge saying: “OK, so I’m not a perfect mom. GET OVER IT”
Calms her down a lot ;)
Your kid’s sniveling about his snowpants cracked me up — it made me think of how my Dad handled crying little kids. (Which, looking back, seems much more sane than my mother’s angry yelling.)
My brother used to (routinely) cry when my dad made him sit at the table until he finished eating all his broccoli; I remember once crying because I was dying to watch ‘The Night Stalker’ & Dad had turned the channel to ‘Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” (hey, it was the 70’s). In both situations, the exchange would go like this:
Dad: “Hey: What are you crying for, are you hurt ?”
Me: (mumbles/loud sniffs) “Uhm, no ….”
Dad: “Well, then STOP CRYING. Dont cry unless youre hurt.”
No kid could argue with logic like that. No matter what’s wrong with those damn snow pants …
From Dad: “Stop crying over nothing, or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Things that are awesome in this post:
“I want to tell you I used a calm voice, but I worry I used a psycho, calm-before-the-storm voice.” Oh how familiar I am with that voice. I have mastered that voice when I tell my boyfriend I’m not mad at him. But men don’t get subtle clues (it’s because they have less gray matter in their brains or something), so he actually thinks everything is fine. Until I blow up.
“The kids don’t notice warmness because they are punching each other, furtively, like I'm not going to see them if it's under their jackets.” Ahahaha! I tell you, my most fond memories of my brother and I in childhood is all the playful fighting. It was how we showed to each other that we cared (and how I got him to bring me stuff when I was too lazy to get off the couch).
You’re fine, Penelope. Just love your kids and tell them that you do often.
“it’s because they have less gray matter in their brains or something”
I don’t know how you do it. But remember the Marine commercial? (we do more before 5:30 am then you do all day) or something like that….
Give yourself some credit for making it through the day- I can’t believe all the stuff you have going on AND
Thanks for being honest about losing it with the kids. We’ve all done it, but mothers are afraid to admit. I’ve got a theory, men don’t lose it with their kids as much as moms do because kids don’t whine to men the way they do to women.
Not sure if that’s true, but it gives me permission to cut myself some slack, and still feel superior at the same time.
Lisa
They know we can toss them into the air without too much effort. I’d be afraid of someone who could throw me halfway across the room, too.
And yet I never once thought of that with my dad. We didn’t whine much because neither of them would tolerate that tone–but they let us know by telling us, not threatening us.
I once went immediately to work and scheduled a series of acupuncture appointments and other various self-care tactics after I flipped off the semi-retired lady who is the crossing guard at my children’s school after she wouldn’t let me make a left-hand turn.
This, after a similar morning getting ready for school. It was a terrible morning but sill, the woman stands out there in ice and heat to make sure my kids don’t get hit by cars.
In my defense, she was blowing her whistle at me in a VERY aggressive manner.
Pamela – OMG. Please visualize a hug from reading this. I’m laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face. Reading all of the comments is so cathartic and makes me feel normal. Your comment is hilarious. I’ve never gone that far, but BOY have I thought about doing the exact same thing! I love that you scheduled self-care tactics for losing your cool. awesome.
Everyone says to let the nanny help you in the morning. I agree. There’s no point in having an intimate morning if it stresses you and the kids out. Have your kids lay out the clothes for the next day when they go to bed. It really helps.
I love this post and I love your blog.
I am going to apply those techniques. Penelope your are really incredible. And Brillant…
Thank you very much you blog helps me.
You are one seriously messed-up individual. The rest of us invite u to the meetings. Noob has to bring brownies. (the noob ALWAYS forgets the brownies, so no biggie)
I LOVE the “no Fuck” advice earlier in the comments. I SO identify with this post and most of your posts on parenting. I often get stares of disbelief when I say I’m not a “kid person” knowing that I have a six-year-old. Of course I love him and, no, I don’t want any more kids. It is HARD.
Regarding your screaming “shut the fuck up.” I laughed out loud because I have never admitted it publicly but here’s something I did.
After countless mornings of demanding, yelling, begging and pleading my son to move faster in the mornings, one morning I broke and yelled, “quit dragging ass in the mornings! Mommy does NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”
His teacher told me two days later that he cursed for the first time in school telling another six-year-old to stop talking to him because he “doesn’t have time for that” and if he didn’t shut up he was going to “chew his ass.” The teacher wondered where he would ever get that language because he’s “such a lover and so gentle-hearted.” Private Christian school. Humiliating.
So I sat him down and did not yell because I’m a horrible parent. Instead I told him he could make a lot of money off of mommy. I said I want to be a better mommy for him so I promise not to curse anymore when I’m mad at him. If I do, he has permission to WAIT UNTIL I COOL OFF, then point out what curse word I yelled at him and he will earn $5 every time. He loses everything and gets punished if he ever says a curse word at school.
Yes, it’s horrible and it cost me $10, broke the habit, he hasn’t cursed at school since in 3 months and I feel like a better mom for apologizing and fixing it.
Accept help from your Nanny. No one enjoys making lunches like betty crocker and that’s okay. you enjoy their hugs and kisses and are a proud mommy. we all can do better and all they remember is how hard you tried to do the best you could.
Congrats on being a great mommy and a real person.
YES! i am a chronic yeller. when my husband asked me for my new year’s resolution, i said “i’d like to stop yelling at the kids so much.” until today it never occurred to me that i’m the one with the anger problem (because i always thought he was — he still is, but now i know we share the same affliction).
today i scared the crap out of my 2yo with my anger problem. she was being ridiculously clingy and wouldn’t let me put her down, but she wanted juice. so i went to sit her on the couch and she screeched in protest, then bucked her legs like she was on a trampoline, jamming her skull into my jaw and making me bite off the right third of my tongue.
it hurt so bad and i was so immediately furious that i dropped her onto the couch and screamed a bitten-tongue-muffled expletive.
it gets better. i didn’t have to do it, but i couldn’t stop myself — i raised my right hand high into the air and heaved the sippy cup i was holding right at the ground. it bounced off the kitchen floor and hit the television with a smack before rolling across the livingroom carpet, after which my 2yo screamed in horror and my husband came running out of our home office where he’d been working to see what the hell i’d done.
i was doubled over in pain with a bleeding mouth and my toddler was still crying, curled in a fetal position across the room, watching me with bloodshot eyes and shivering, her lower lip quivering, catching on her bottom teeth with every other inward heave.
my husband told me i should really get a handle on how i react to the kids when they do stuff like that, because apparently he’s never had his tongue cut off by a toddler’s skull (or knee or elbow or whatever other hard bony surface that always seems to make its way to my face every other day).
i did my best to keep from spitting tongue blood in his eye as i filled my kid’s cup with juice, then scooped my 2yo up in my arms and sat down on the couch, rocking her with my arms wrapped around her belly, my lips pressed against the blond curls on the top of her head, and my eyes on Grey’s Anatomy.
I understand. I’ve had better and worse days. Days where the best I can do is let my kid watch too many cartoons while I try to figure out what is triggering me and how I’m going to stop. I’ve also learned how to talk with my child after I’ve calmed down and that was something I never had with my own parents. And no amount of training or schooling has helped me when I finally snap. Blowing my top is familiar and safe in it’s own warped little way. However, what I have read and learned does help me understand the what and the why of my actions and eventually I do gain some insight. With that said, knowing you want to change, knowing that change will bring harmony into your life is a step in the right direction. As for me, I’m going to focus on the fact that tonight during a very tense moment with my child I chose to close my eyes and take deep breaths. I know my daughter was waiting for an explosion and I was happy not to give her one. We need to give more energy to the times we succeed and let our mistakes help us continue to find new ways to do it right.
Namaste
Oh god BB… this literally made me cry. I have done stuff like this and maybe worse. I know just exactly how you feel, and its not good. Forgive yourself, if you can (I try everyday and sometimes I cant forgive myself) or at least try and learn from it. Your daughter loves you- and youre probably a great mom 90% of the time. Focus on that.
If I merge that last two posts I’m left with the question, “can you be happy and angry at the same time”?
I cope the best I can and I’ve decided I’m not saving up for my kid’s college. I’m saving up for her counseling because I know one day I’m going to have to answer for a lot of my coping skills.
With that said she is putting together a nice collection of horse trading cards that are given as “guilt” gifts.
I wonder if she is learning that rolling her eyes and covering her ears while I talk is a sure guarantee she is going to get more cards…hmmmm.
Penelope, you sound so much like me when I was your age. I just wrote about it a couple days ago: http://nototherwisespecified.typepad.com/blog/2010/01/rages.html in fact. I’ve made a LOT of changes in my life, including all those “be better prepared so I don’t freak out” changes, and get calmer, etc. But the one and only thing that helps me keep my cool ALL THE TIME is medication. Not “make me stupid” medication, just “make me calm” medication.
I’m convinced it’s because of neurological issues. Yours might be, too. Just a thought.
Sara, diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 41
Penelope, this entry reminded me of the reason why I started reading your blog post, then kept reading, then joined the professional community, which now feels like a part of me.
It’s because of your authenticity. There is no cover-up nor self-pity. That’s something I cannot think of other than here.
I believe whatever issues be solved between you and others, because we are all here because you are you.
These kinds of posts, although really funny to read, make me glad I made a serious long standing decision never to have have babies.
Waking up at 5:30 just to get some peace?
Insanity.
My mom had a nanny. Called Molly.
Molly used to have to get us on the morning bus to school.
But the whole morning was structured as a race between me and my brother.
No one ever won anything, but being highly competitive siblings we’d race to get up, use the loo as fast as possible, and eat our breakfasts like maniacs and finally get to mock the loser. [which was the end of the race].
I was at the time totally oblivious to what a nice manipulation it was to get us out of the house.
All I knew was that I needed to THRASH my stupid brother!
Maybe give that a try. It was a fun way to start school.
When you have to get kids off to school and then get to work it’s nothing short of hell. You are not alone. When my husband is away I have to do it on my own and by the time I get to work I am exhausted.
GET THE NANNY TO COME IN FOR THE MORNINGS!!!!!!!!!!! The mornings are the worst part of my day and if I could afford a nanny even 2 hours a day I’d choose 6-8am.
But if you insist on toughing it out:
1. Put the kids in their clothes and they can sleep in them (seriously, I do this, my mother is horrified!)
2. Make the kids a peanut butter sandwich the night before and they can eat it in the car on the way to school.
3. Let the kids buy their lunch. Every day the same lunch. As long as it’s something healthy like a salad roll why does it have to always be different?
4. Have special breakfasts on the weekend and let them wear their pyjamas all day.
5. So what if the socks have holes in them?
6. Keep yoghurt, bread, a toaster, fruit, cereal at work and have your breakfast when you get to work.
7. Get an office with a door!
Good luck…
hello P … point six … the food thing … keep the waffles and syrup for the weekends or hols when the schedule is not so tight – I have a just five and just seven yr old boys and if I fed them refined sugars and refined white flour on a school day they’d be pinching and more and unmanageable too each morning(like I am ON THE SAME DIET) … we go the rice cakes with protein on top – like fish and grilled cheese … followed by fresh fruit with no sugar yogurt – you should see the difference … i know this sounds trite … but put yourselves all on high protein first thing and see the noticable difference (we are a gluten free household so knocks out a huge array of waffle like product …) we also do no refined suguars incl honey on around 300 days our of 60 each year .. this was done to modify behaviour issues with son one and skin issues with son two and fat issues with me :)
I like the no fuck rule too … the last ryme my eldest came out with was ‘f#cken heck, it’s a ship wreck’ I know he did not get the first two words from me – I never say ‘heck’ …. best le
Has anyone asked you why you’re so angry?
Alex touched on it talking about the true and underlying cause of anger, and then Chris M. said how anger is a mask for hurt and sadness, but have you ever really, really asked yourself the question?
It is clear that this is not a new journey for you and No. 5 above is about addressing the true source of frustration but I am talking about anger from way, way, way back when. Your biography certainly warrants anger but then you yourself have talked about the locus of control and so you know that an internal locus of control does not let circumstances or people control your emotions, which is why I ask: Why are you so angry?
You certainly are honest with all of us. That is why we keep coming back for more, because we appreciate how frank you are and we respect it so much. But are you that up front with yourself? Because the easiest person in the world to lie to is yourself. Really.
I recently read a post on the Remarkable Communication blog about how not to be a bad boyfriend, the premise being that this model from life can be used in so many more contexts than relationships with significant others. The line that stuck most with me was: “Don’t treat the waitress better than you treat your date.” I took that line to heart, because I think it is so easy for us to forget common etiquette with the people we love most, because we know that according to some law of the universe, they still have to love us at the end of the day, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship is. There is always the potential, however, to reach a point where the mistreated individual says “Enough,” and moves on. That’s why we have the word “estranged” in our lexicon.
So, I return to my original question, Penelope: Why are you so angry? Except there are no parenthetical additions here, such as (this morning) or (about the snow pants).
Just: Why are you so angry?
I am sure you have asked yourself this at least 15,330 times but if you are still asking it, I think that means you have not truthfully answered it. I don’t blame you. It’s not an easy one. But it is certainly a valid one.
Finally, I think Neko’s dad’s question, “What are you crying for? Are you hurt?” is one that can serve us all throughout the rest of our lives. I had to ask it to myself recently and the answer was: “No. You’re just being (a miserable,) selfish (bitch).”
And I stopped crying. And I felt better.
I have been following your blog posts for a while now and love your openness and honesty. I should say that I have had issues with anger especially with my brother who was expert at pushing my buttons. I used to come out as a fool looking out of control even though he was at the wrong side of the argument many times. But now I think I have been able to reduce it quite considerably and turn it back on him.
One thing that worked for me, is to become aware of it when I become angry. I don’t try to fight it, but I just make sure I become aware of it. It doesn’t help reduce the anger, but gives an handle in directing the anger. This is related to the concept of ‘Mindfulness’, am I sure you must have read about it.
Penelope you poor sweet angel,
That effortless seeming parenting is just too hard to do by yourself! When I was a single mom I was always at the end of my rope and I only had one little daughter and an abusive exhusband to contend with. Calm moms have a strong, daily support system and lots of us just aren’t blessed with that. Everyone that I know who grew up with a single mom loves and reveres her sacrifice and commitment everyday. You aren’t perfect but you are to be commended for the incredibly challenging life’s work you have taken on.
I’m married and I still can’t cope with the morning routines of wake-up, school uniforms, breakfast, homework & backpacks, lunch money, transportation, etc. for more than just myself and that’s not easy, either. I remember that most men haven’t had to deal with all this, and so am very thankful I have a husband that easily gets up at 5 am, and has the coffee and oatmeal all ready.
Some people (like me) are just not morning people. I do a better with the evening side of childcare like the bath, homework, talking about how the day went, piano lessons, scouts, getting friends back home, cleaning the room, brushing the teeth, setting the alarm clock, rocking to sleep, etc.
It takes a village….
This is such an important post and discussion to have. I’m embarrassed to admit how many times my wife and I have turned to each other and said “at least we’re not beating them”, as some pathetic type of minuscule victory after a ridiculous display of what could loosely be described as “parenting”. There has got to be another way besides yelling, and I tend to believe that it is closely connected to meditation/breathing/Zen and concepts conveyed in The Power of Now. But knowing this and making actual change in the moment when it’s needed are 2 radically different things.
Having said all this, I disagree with most of the comments that are basically suggesting you take the easy way out be it with the nanny, cereal, cutting yourself slack, whatever. Lowering the bar is not how people like you (and I for that matter) feel good about yourself. We are driven to achieve. Keep the standards high and modify the techniques to achieve the goals. I think it’s awesome that the kids get waffles. Keep doing it.
Brian, initially I agreed with you about not taking the easy way out. However, there are some things that people just aren’t good at. For example, I’m horrible at structuring my time and future plans, so I rely on my cell phone alarm and electric calendar to help me keep track of time and future plans. I get very stressed when I’m pressed for time, so it’s important for my happiness that I manage it well. Getting to work and appointments on time, I feel, make me a better person than cheating to compensate for my weaknesses. I almost forgot to pick a friend up the other day from guard duty. Yes, it happens, but I don’t want it to happen all the time, and it’s not fair to him when I don’t follow through on an agreement or promise.
I think that Penelope can show her love much more effectively in other ways. For example, she could skimp on waffles for breakfast, but prepare better dinners (though “better” is in the taste of the beholder). Or just do waffles for dinner; my mom’s done that.
That’s my two cents, anyway.
I would lovingly explain to the farmer, (while your are negotiating your way through the relationship) that this blog… this website, this business, is your farm.
i was wondering how the farmer’s crept back into P’s life…will scour your site for whatever i’d missed. needless to say, if he becomes a life partner for you, perhaps he can be that helpful/calm secondary voice that quells the chaos.
Your mornings are like mine, except yours are earlier and you have half the kids.
I also have to get them to practice their piano for 15 minutes each (times 4 kids). I am usually 75% successful.
My biggest problem in the morning is slow eaters, slow risers, half-assed piano practice, girls complaining about hair & clothes, Nintendo obsession, and boys fighting. Except for the slow eaters, these are bounded problems with reliable solutions.
I find that if I serve a low glycemic-index breakfast (such as bacon & eggs plus fruit or oatmeal made from steel-cut oats plus fruit), their behaviour is better. Waffles, toast, bagels, dry cereal…worse behaviour.
Because I’m Indian, I also bring out my Russel Peters Indian accent and say, “Somebody gonna get it. Somebody. I’m not going to say who…I think you might know him verrrry well…”, if they misbehave.
And when all else fails, I yell. I’ll see you in mommy hell…I’m sure they’ll let me in.
I think you can learn something from watching Jake in “Two And A Half Men.” Does a kid care whether his mittens are warm when he puts them on? Heck no. So that’s one less thing to do in the morning, which means one less thing to stress about.
Meantime. I read the “origins of agriculture” piece linked here. A less academic interpretation is in former FDA chairman David Kessler’s book, “The End of Overeating.” He exhaustively explains the impact of certain foods on brain chemistry (notwithstanding the article’s hypothesis that a cereal diet made it possible for civilization to advance by narcotizing people into being nicer, less aggressive, able to work, etc.). If you deal with anger issues, or at the least can’t figure out why you always order the cinnamon crunch bagel at Panera, even though you know you shouldn’t, Kessler’s book is very helpful.
Just the name anger “management” makes me crazy. What’s with the management? it sounds like an oxymoron. Anger should not be managed but released, safely. Anger is a good thing as long as there is no splitting off during the rage releasing. That is straight from my shrink. I liked this post, I loved that I felt better about my parenting
( single also ). I remembered my mornings, absolutely the most anxiety filled of the day. I somehow felt forgiven by consensus. You are a great mother P because you care to be aware.
Some of the concepts about organization are right but you need to keep at it. It takes 14 days for something to become a routine. A great site and motivator is http://www.flylady.net Read her free site and some of her “baby steps” concepts to get on the right track. Also simplify your life. Feed the kids breakfast. It does not need to be waffles.
If the point is to put your children first and give them a good morning, rather than making yourself feel good about yourself because you can ‘do it all’ on your own, then I suggest the same thing others on this blog have said–either bring in the nanny or dial back the ‘cocoa and waffles’ routine. My mom fed me cereal or toast every morning and it didn’t keep me from being a well-behaved high achiever. More importantly, our mornings were scream-free and we usually made it to school on time (who cares about a few tardies, anyway? ;)).
I know boys can be more difficult but that’s just more of a reason to have help and/or adjust inflated expectations. I think the problems you described are coming from thinking too much about yourself and saving your own face. Instead, when those thoughts and fears come into your mind, switch focus to the love you have for your boys. They should come first, not the ‘rest of the world’ that is supposedly out there judging you for not always having everything tied up with a neat bow.
It took me a long time to learn that lesson–to put my loved ones and not the judgers first in my priorities. But it has changed my life and I’m so thankful for the freedom and the increased closeness with family and real friends that has come from it.
I’m a yeller. I have a kid who’s Aspie too. Welcome to the great secret parenting club that nobody planned to join.
My husband says that having kids is like living with two drunken leprechauns.
Kids can’t be controlled by our will. They have their own agendas. Their brains live in the sandbox all the time: they stare, twirl, make random repetitious noises, and just be instead of do. They don’t get us, we don’t get them.
Exactly what drives schedule-focused parents batshit.
Like others here, I can offer some suggestions from our very Aspie-focused home:
1. Don’t sweat the yelling too much. Just never swear, and always apologize right after yelling. Kids yell too. It’s good to model apologies for them.
2. Put everything on a timer — 10 minutes to get dressed (and you must get dressed *before* breakfast), 20 minutes to eat, 10 minutes for bathroom/teeth, 10 minutes to dress for the door, etc. Total: 50 minutes. I call out when I’m starting the timer for each task. They can race each other if they like. Believe me, things get done fast.
3. Breakfast is exactly the same every day: whole-grain cereal, milk, cheese, eggs. It’s self-serve (except the eggs). What they don’t finish goes in their lunchbag (which was packed the night before and in the fridge, as yours are). Why not? Kids like things the same. Don’t fight it. Fancy breakfasts just confuse them.
4. Some mornings are “treat days” – I have a treat for the kids who get everything done by the bell, and they can eat it on the way to school. There’s got to be something in it for them too, not just for us.
These suggestions aren’t really about anger management, but maybe chaos management is really at the heart of this post.
FYI, there are actually nine tips listed. You doubled up on number three.
Great post! Thanks for sharing the advice. I’ve been struggling with anger issues for years. Also, I’ve decided to grab the “Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles” book mentioned earlier, which wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t make posts like this. Thanks again.
It would be really helpful if you could place these tips in context of your struggle with Aspergers for yourself and your children. Aren’t there unique aspects to Aspergers that you have overlooked here?
Also: Kids can make their own lunches. There’s no such thing as too young, as long as it’s the same lunch every day. A four-year-old can slap some ham between two slices of bread, and put a yogurt, apple, and cookie in a bag.
If you like peace and quiet in the morning, then racing around getting other people ready for their day is not going to mesh well. I suspect by the time you are at the office after such a morning, you are OD’d on external noise.
If it were me, with your options, I would ask the nanny to come in for a month or six weeks, and work with the kids to be more responsible for their morning prep. And I would prepare to be late to work and late dropping them at school some days, because that’s how it is when you do serious work to make changes.
Also, if someone told me my behaviour was ‘self-loathing’ I’d laugh in his face and then tell him to fuck right off. It’s one thing to say how another person’s actions annoy or disturb you, but quite another to engage in amateur analysis.
I’ve struggled with this problem all my life, and every anger issue I had was only exacerbated by having children. But thank goodness I did because it’s been the only reason I keep seeking and finding answers – my kids make me want to be a better person. I recently discovered a book that really resonated with me, “The Anger Habit” by Carl Semmelroth, PhD. The premise is that the notion of ‘releasing anger makes us feel better” is counterproductive. I’ve learned that this act of “release” becomes a destructive habit that in the end, does not work for anyone. This book helped me a lot.
So does vodka (in moderation, of course).
The mom in the morning thing. ARGH. My sympathies. Have only one kid, 11-year-old boy. Kid says at dinner last night, “I don’t like the school lunches, I want a packed lunch.” Husband says, “Yes, that would be better, saves money and is healthier.” I say, “Okay, but I will not make them and I will not remind you to take it to school, so if you husband/child want to make them go for it. What I am happy to do is go online once a month, pick out lunches and give them a credit card. You two pick.” So they picked bringing lunch which we have done before. I will remember that he doesn’t have his lunch on the way to school (and I am on the way to work), and I will feel really bad, but swear to god, not getting involved…I really don’t need one more thing to do or feel guilty about.
I second the recommendation of Carl Semmelroth’s book. I used to have a lot of anger problems, in fact I modereated the Anger Management board on ivillage for a while and read quite a few books. His is the best.
On the lunches – when I used to have to make school lunches I bulk made rolls with fillings that allowed them to be frozen. Luckily we had a fridge with the freezer at the bottom. Even a three year old can fetch themself a frozen sandwich, a cereal bar and a juice box.
Finally, a real mom that says how things really go in the morning, and not this other crap. I’m glad it isn’t just me.
Didn’t you say one of your kids is on the autistic spectrum? These kids are impossible to get out of the house in the morning. My son is 13 and it is still a struggle. So please don’t feel bad about that.
I didn’t read all the comments. But is it an American thing to consider waffles and syrup and chocolate milk a HEALTHY breakfast?? I don’t get it. It seems like a disaster to me. A bowl of healthy cereal (Cornflakes, Cheerios, whatever) would be so much better. Or a banana. Or some yoghurt. But why spend so much time and effort in the morning to give your kids a sugar rush? Some Americans seem to think it’s so important to have something ‘hot’ or cooked in the morning that they forget what it is they’re serving. And what working mom has time to make a hot breakfast anyway? A glass of juice, an apple/banana and some crackers and send them on their way.
nice article…how do you not realize that the book you just slammed shares the same kind of stories except that to your point gretchen is naturally happier than you and she does so in a longer format…u and your notions aren’t really that different from her and hers…i say this as a huge fan and fellow entj
p.s. i know you are pretty aware of your type but what you don’t seem so aware of is the fact that a lot of things you attribute to your asperger’s are very typical entj behaviors…especially entj women
Interesting…what aspects are typical of entj women? I ask this as I am one myself!
I feel you on this. It’s hard to be so emotional. I am too, and my 16 year old daughter hates me for it….because she can’t help it either. Just like me.
Had another thought. You want intimate moments with your boys? Sure, that’s the good part of motherhood. Boys will only do intimacy when they don’t have to see your face. Which means that PICKING THEM UP from school is much better than getting them ready. Where they might have to speak to you directly. The ride home from school, provided you bring snacks and drinks in the car, is one of the best inventions ever. BTW, you provoked a lot of of yearning on my part: http://preview.tinyurl.com/ychkhle
Schools have cafeterias, why not use them? No one ever packed a lunch for me.
I felt like a terrible mom during the early elementary days for my kids (hell, all of their school). I never was able to handle all the stuff I was supposed to be doing. Their dad was able to do it, and all before leaving for work. That was a better solution than the kids seeing me crazed every day. I’m still no good in the morning.
I never became a domestic goddess or doting mother but both my girls are artists, like me, so I passed along something non-traditional I guess. Child-rearing is harder than work, to me at least.
I am a huge fan of your honesty, this post no exception. I’m not a parent, only a social studies teacher. Parenting has never been easier. We live in a time of such abundance that even the little stuff just sets us off because we expect better of ourselves. The reality is ugly.
The line that you wrote that struck me was: I hate feeling like I can't do normal parenting things on my own. The mornings with the kids seem theoretically intimate, and making school lunches seems like a rite of passage for moms with school-aged kids. I want all that.
“All that” is complete baloney. It never happened, and please don’t let anykind of ideologicay paradise of parenting was once joyful and serene get you down. Having a support system in the AM with kids has been the historical precedent. Only in the last few decades have we sociologically forced ourselves into thinking June Cleaver (a fictious fairytale character) and her kind of solve the world’s problems while vacuuming in heels garbage was the way we are supposed to be.
I agree that getting thru a morning without the F bomb would be a great start. Your kids are more tuned in and compassionate than you think. Ask them what they think mommy needs to help in the mornings. After that, call the nanny, and invite her back into your mornings. Your kids will still love and respect you.
When I teach history I teach that people are people. Ancient history, Argentina to Zambia, we’re all flawed. But we need not be dropping the fbomb in the morning. That’s just no fun for anyone. Right? Wether you watch Mad Men or you watch a documentary on Mark Twain’s life, history teaches us, its never all peachy keen. Life’s a mess. Sure one ought to find ways to be more kind and peaceful when dealing with setbacks and frustrations, but let go of the ideolized perfection.
And I recommend laughter. Even forced laughter in the midst of wanting to drop the f-bomb. Instead of getting irate, just say, “Agggh! This is absurd. Laugh with me for a second on this.” Then force yourself to laugh. “Yous socks have holes in them!” Then laugh. “I see your hitting your brother when what you want is my attention. You’ve got it. Lets laugh about this.” Laugh. It sounds absurd, [at first it feels absurd] but it helps. (You will get all the benefits from laughter, relaxation, physical release, happy endorphins, and yes, even a little perspective even if it is forced laughter! -Bonus) The kids appreciate it too. They are used to laughing. Kids want reasons to laugh, they look for them. As adults we really need to laugh at ourselves, the chaos we’re in in any given moment and yes, literally laugh at it all. It will help immensely.
I’m currently reading a well researched book called _The Way We Never Were_ by Stephanie Coontz. The amazon review is spot on. “The bold truth of history after all is that “there is no one family form that has ever protected people from poverty or social disruption, and no traditional arrangement that provides a workable model for how we might organize family relations in the modern world.”
Be kind to yourself. Get the nanny back in the game. Laugh with your kids instead of yell at them and keep up the self analysis on the chaos of parenting. Stop idealizing parenting: it is wickedly hard work, but remember you’re on this journey together, so find ways to enjoy the times in the day you do have together with your kids. Those hours are so short in the scheme of their day anyway. Did I mention, get a nanny and laugh more? It will all be all right. Be kind to yourself through all this transition stuff. You’ve gone thru a lot in the last month(s!) you know.
“I’m not a parent, only a social studies teacher. Parenting has never been easier.”
Beckie, I’m smiling at this comment. A statement only one who is not a parent would say.
However, the rest of your comment I agree with completely.
My parenting has never been easier line was about having running water indoors (no pumps in the yard in the middle of winter or having to walk to the nearest stream or river); indoor heat and gas stoves (no need to chop wood and tend a fire to heat the home and cook food); no corsets, bloomers, three petticoats and heavy skirts to the floor; we have dryers instead crank machines to squeeze water out of clothes washboard washed; we have the ability to earn, keep and invest our own (so rare in history!)add in grocery stores, cars, polar fleece and all things wow in computer technology. I was talking about parenting without all the stressors of our ancestors, so in a social studies teacher way “parenting has never been easier.” We live in a time when we have so many resources! Still parenting has never been easy, ever. Repeat: Parenting has never been easy. EVER. Thanks for reading my post. Penelope, you are better than you realize. You actually reflect on the complexity of parenting. What can be measured or analysed can then be changed.
My husband compares trying to control kids to trying to hang onto a handful of dry sand by holding it tighter. Everything just slips through your fingers. Getting angry at anyone for being uncontrollable just doesn’t work. So I just think of those wild school mornings as surfing chaos. This too shall pass.
I’m thankful that those school mornings are behind me. Mine looked a lot like yours without the snow. I have neighbours who apologise for their yelling in the mornings as they herd their kids off to school. I say you know what? I should apologise to you for not coming over there and helping you! But you see I cannot go back to that dark place!
The little things help though-getting everything ready the night before including the lunches, getting up earlier, working on your own stress (exercise, friends etc).
Yelling at the kids so much they cry, then rewarding them with waffles and too many kisses?
If you were a man and they were your wife, they’d say there’s no excuse for domestic violence.
Glad to hear you’re not putting in so many hours at work to work on your “anger management issues”.