How to make yourself more likable

Could you share with us just one teensy tiny special moment where the farmer was amazing to you? Just so we have something ‘good’ to balance out the ‘bad’.

I kind of think Pioneer Woman is full of crap. Yeah, it’s a fun dreamy read, but she is writing a fairytale. You are real. Real takes guts and courage. I respect real. I probably sound cynical, but I live in nyc and am divorced at 32, so what do you expect…

Anyway, I think you are wonderful. I think of you as a role model in many ways. Yes, I too would like to trade a day (or a year) with PW, but if I am honest with myself I don’t think I could really stand being that content and would go crazy having everything too “perfect”.

I’m not sure what is better sometimes – happy or interesting – I just hope to achieve a pleasant balance of the two.

Dear P.,

I am very concerned about your plans to marry this man. He seems to break up with you often, and I have the agree with the person who wrote that this is a way to manipulate. I hate to see you go through the emotional stress of wondering when he is going to do it again. And what about after you are married? Is he going to ask for a divorce whenever things do not go his way?

Please ask yourself a few questions. Would you still be with him if you lived someplace where there were more men to choose from? Will you still want to be with him (and his family) after your children are grown? Are you tending to blame yourself whenever things go wrong, and undervaluing what you are bringing to the relationship, thereby putting yourself in a position of weakness? Do you believe that your individual set of challenges are worse than other potential mates?

I truly hope that you will value yourself enough to step back and look at the situation long term and objectively. This is difficult to do, but try to listen to the people who have your best interests at heart.

Best of luck.

I wondered if you knew about The Pioneer Woman. It was the first thing I thought of when you got engaged to the farmer. So I got such a kick out of today’s post. For everyone saying I love P’s blog so much more than PW’s…there is room for both. I enjoy both equally and every day for different reasons. Hey, so no dishing our Penelope and no dishing on The Pioneer Woman – they both are incredible women in their own right.

Uh, could someone tell The Farmer to try to not see every discussion, issue etc as the reason for a “yes I want this relationship”/”no I don’t want this relationship” decision? He might feel less stressed and avoid getting on that rollercoaster. Your decision not to give ultimatums to him (while also setting your own boundaries – what are you willing to put up with?) might help, but ultimately, this particular issue is his.
I used to be like this in relationships, and it made everything, everything, a big deal.

Just sayin’.

I love this post. And I love you together with the farmer. I have said before and will say again that I think you two obviously have such a special bond. And he seems like a really great guy, I have so much respect for his integrity and the way he conducts himself, the way you write about him makes him sound like such an honest, real (and studly) person. :)

But what I really want to do, rather than gush about how much I love your posts (because I do) and how each one teaches me something (because it does) is talk about the yelling. The anger. Because I had a very real problem with this too. It took me years in therapy to learn how to manage it.

First thing I learned was that people learn how to handle anger by how people around us handle it. When I was a kid, my parents kicked in walls and screamed and threw lamps across the room. I never saw anyone deal with their anger any other way.

Second thing I learned was that I tend to ignore my feelings until I get so upset that I eventually explode because I cannot help myself. I liken it to an “anger orgasm” — once it’s coming, you cannot stop it.

I had to learn how to manage the intense emotions.

So it turned out here’s what helps me with this intensity:

1. I learned that it’s possible to be really angry, and not explode. But learning this was like learning how to straighten posture or learn a dance. I had to practice using another outlet over & over until it became easier.

Passionate people often feel things very intensely. It’s a great trait in the bedroom but not so great at other times.

I kept reminding myself that anger mgmt was like learning piano, my fingers felt awkward and clumsy on the keys. But practice makes this easier. Plus now I understand how to recognize the heat rising so I can manage it before lashing out.

2. In order to do this, I had to recognize how I was feeling inside.

My sweetie and I have differing styles in fights. He likes to get answers & have a discussion but that makes me feel pursued. He would keep after me because he needed closure but I can’t deal with intense emotions very well – like feeling I disappointed him or that he was upset with me. So I would eventually turn around like a caged animal and explode.

My counselor helped me realize when I am “turning off” and tell him I need a break.

My assignment is, when that happens, disengage and do something that completely distracts me because I tend to get into a terrible place once the switch is flipped. I want mull over how awful I am, how bad my relationship is, etc. until I’m feeling worse and worse and end up lying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor sobbing. (So pathetic, really, but I’m being honest here.)

So I subscribe to a funny newspaper (“the funny times”) and when I this starts happening, I take a break and go look at cartoons.

It sounds ridiculous, but it keeps me from going into the animal part of my brain that wants to punish myself the way I feel I deserve, since I was abused as a kid.

Anyway, so here’s the script that seems to work for me:

me: I need a time-out. I’m going to take some time alone but when I am done we can talk about this some more.
(The counselor explained that the reason my sweetie was pursuing me was because he needed closure and was afraid he’d never feel validated. So she said, in order to respect his needs too, take my time out and then go and find him later to try again, don’t just drop the issue.)

Then I take my time-out: I go into the bathroom (that has always been my “safe” place). I bring some cartoons with me and just start reading. My heart’s not in it at first but eventually I start to feel a tad better. Then maybe I write in my diary a little. Sometimes I write him a letter and that helps the best. I am so much better at writing out my feelings than talking.

It seems like it’s hardest for me to pay attention to the knot starting inside so I am not surprised and overwhelmed by its presence all at once. But if I can, that really helps.

My anger has, at best, strained, and at worst, ruined every intimate relationship I’ve ever been in. So it’s pretty important to address. I’m glad you’re thinking about it.

Know that you’re not a bad person for having this challenge. It shows tremendous growth that you would like to learn how to manage it. You’ve conquered so much, I know you can conquer this too.

hugs.

Pioneer Woman has stunning photography. And she’s fun to read…to a point. But the comments to her posts are totally BORING.

Penelope is very skilled at online conversation. She says just enough information to spark our interest but not so much that she says it all. She offers advice but leaves room for others to contribute. She taunts us with controversy and then sits back and watches us argue.

It’s the back and forth conversation that make a blog interesting. I learn as much, maybe more, from Penelope’s commenters as I do from her posts.

Thank you for writing a post that reinforces that communication is crucial to a relationship. I once dated a guy who overanalyzed everything and used all the game tactics you could think on girls. The result, of course, was that we only dating for about a month :-).

I am currently reading Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. What a cliche, but it’s that for a reason! It has helped me understand what men are thinking a lot more than any Google search of “why he’s not calling me back.” Men and women might hear the same things, but often interpret them completely differently. Unless we understand and respect these differences, communication can break down completely.

Here is an interesting article on “feel” vs. “think” that has gender implications.

Just to say I was always routing for and believing that you and the farmer were going to continue on your tortorious and divine path together – because in my mind, that’s what great partnerships are about – and it seemed to me that you and the farmer, you’re one of those. Hugs and toasts!

Your last sentence made me smile. :-)

Haha, I love the idea of having to read a blog post in order to be (more) likable… But I really love your blog posts, so I am up for it. :)
I agree with most of your pointers, too.

I’m just catching up on my blogs, so naturally I visited here. I am very happy to hear you’re back with the Farmer. I was pulling for you. BTW, the five points above are pretty good, too. :)

Take care of yourself!

I’m a new reader of the blog, and read this post and the comments eagerly, as I’m in a similar-sounding relationship but in the Farmer’s position – my partner is the ‘Penelope’.

I haven’t read any advice or viewpoints here that I haven’t heard from my friends, relatives and therapists, but there were good points that bear repeating. Oddly enough, though, I’ve realised I have something to contribute to the discussion.

First, I think the people who say the Farmer is being manipulative may be a bit off-base. As I said, I’m in a similar-sounding position to him. I love my partner passionately, but he has a temper, and I come from a peaceful family where there were rarely fights and never yelling. So for me, the fights have been very hard to deal with – and every one seems so extreme to me, because of the anger and the yelling, that I do tend to feel the relationship is finished afterward every time. I broke off our engagement last year after a fight. So, the Farmer’s break-ups may not be a controlling behaviour… Only Penelope, who knows him, could say. And IF the Farmer comes from a peaceful family, this might be why they don’t really like Penelope yet – she’s just so different from them! My family are the same. They don’t really get my partner and are worried he’s bad news for me.

Second, there seems to be a pretty even spread in the comments between people saying ‘Don’t change’ and people saying ‘Relationships mean compromise’. I believe that both are true: the first position applies to basic personality, likes and dislikes, and the second to habits or character traits that aren’t fundamental – and you can often tell the non-fundamental traits by the fact that changing them is beneficial for the person and would be even if it didn’t affect the other partner. We’ve certainly found that. My partner is finding he’s getting on better at work and is happier and less stressed in general since he’s started using some strategies to deal with his temper.

Also want to add that after doing a lot of research into personality types and communication, I realise that, surprise, surprise, people are different and respond differently. My partner and I have found the Pace and Kyeli’s online book The Usual Error incredibly helpful, particularly chapters 24 (on anger) and 16 (on postponing arguments until you’re not angry, hungry, loopy or tired, aka HALT). The ‘Five Love Languages’ concept has also been helpful. I definitely need to read the Nonviolent Communication book that @Kye mentioned, and the Rosenberg one – thanks for the recommendation!

Sorry this has turned into such a mammoth comment, but I hope it sheds some more light. I’ve struggle sometimes with questions like, ‘Should a relationship be so much hard work?’, ‘Does this mean we’re not “Right” for each other?’ and so ‘Should I give up?’. I know I can’t deal with constant fights (that’s a no-compromise point), so at the moment we’re working on making it to two weeks with no raised voices. Here’s hoping – four days in and counting! Warmest wishes for you and the Farmer too, Penelope. I hope it all works out for you.