Shifting the balance of power. (Mainstream media stinks.)
I wake up Wednesday at 4am to a phone call: The Guardian, in London, asking for an interview about my miscarriage twitter. Then a half-hour later, an Irish radio station. And then the phone kept ringing.
I tell Now Magazine (I think it's basically People magazine for the UK audience) to call back after I got the kids off to school. I ask my housemanager to come early because I can’t handle the sleep deprivation and the early-morning interviews and school lunches all in one morning.
I block out the morning to write a thousand-word essay for the Guardian to justify tweeting about my miscarriage. Which the Guardian wants done in the next 20 hours.
Now magazine wants to know if they can send a photographer to take a photo of my kids.
No.
Or the Farmer?
No.
What about if their faces are blurred?
No. (But this at least makes the Farmer laugh.)
The Today show called Tuesday to see if I could be on the show on Thursday. I said yes. They call in between the Guardian and Now magazine to ask if I can fly there.
The first thing I think is that my kids were so sad that I was not taking them to school as usual that I promised to pick them up after school, and I don't want to break the promise.
The only reasonable flight to NYC is at 3:08. I decide that the only thing to do is take my kids with me. I can't bear to simply be gone when they come home from school. I did that so much last year. I don't want to do that anymore.
So I tell the Today Show that I can make it only if they will fly my kids and the nanny with me. And pay for two hotel rooms.
The Today Show says yes. They start booking tickets. I finish interviews and the nanny starts packing. She calls the school to get the kids ready to leave early. She cancels violin lessons and cello lessons and a reading tutor.
I call the Farmer to offer him one last chance to go with us. He doesn't answer. He doesn't take the offer seriously because it is so far from anything he'd ever do. He says he can't believe I'm taking the kids on a trip again when the last business trip I took them on turned out so bad that the police came.
He has a point, but I tell him that I'm taking the nanny along this time.
Then the new CEO of Brazen Careerist calls. He's concerned. I have given a one-hour interview with a tabloid that was not recorded and it's being taken out of context all over the UK.
So we have a two-hour phone call about the Brazen Careerist brand. Should it be tied to me? Is miscarriage a workplace issue? What drives people to sign up at Brazen Careerist anyway?
Wait. Can you just go sign up at the site right now so the CEO can see that a post like this does not hurt the brand and I should just write what I want on my blog?
Okay. So the nanny is decked-out in black, with blown-out blond hair, and she almost looks a little New-York-y for her first-ever visit there, when the Today show calls to say they need to move me to Saturday.
Really?
This is what I thought: Is there enough time for me to get really drunk on junk wine in the fridge before I have to go pick up the kids?
I say no to Saturday.
Later, I get a death threat. This is not new. I have been getting death threats all month but today's death threats are different. They are from the UK, and then from the Australian Christian Coalition. No kidding. Three calls in a row.
This all might be the end of me catering to mainstream media. But. Wait. I'm so happy to be in Inc magazine this month where Max Chafkin wrote a great list of top bloggers. And Max was so easy to deal with. He scheduled a call. We had a nice conversation. And he wrote an intelligent article. He's so good, and considerate that he's almost like a blogger.
But for now, I'm exhausted. And I am thinking that dealing with mainstream media just isn't worth it. I get my own story out, the way I want it, on my blog. I have a smart, engaged audience that is fun to talk to and, when there's something really good, they tell their smart, thoughtful friends. I don't think I need mainstream media. And I know I don't need the ridiculous way they’ve been talking with me.
(Hi, Penelope Trunk? This is Steve from the early show —
What? What early show?
It’s the morning show on CBS.
Oh.
Can you tell me how you justify your tweet?
What?
Just quickly. I'm going into our 4pm meeting and I need a summary of your position.)
So, mainstream media, here’s my position. More than feeling compelled to justify myself to your audience, I feel compelled to protect my schedule and my family from your intrusive calls and seemingly random deadlines. I feel an urgent need to separate a sane online conversation about women at work from an insane media that is doing exactly what destroys women at work: Making it extremely difficult for me to have a manageable schedule for parenting.
I found you via the Guardian, and I’m going to write to thank them, because I think you’re brilliant. Refreshingly open gobbed about what many other women are thinking but too frightened to say.
I was writing to say the same thing. Thank you for your honesty & courage & writing skills!
I have been following your blog for the past year, don’t always agree with what you say but love your honesty and sincerity in sharing your thoughts here. I am so glad that The Guardian has brought you to the UK.
Good on you for your Guardian article. Brilliant. Thankyou for having the courage to tell it like it is. Why should women have to hide this stuff in shame? Says who? No-one I’d have any respect for, that’s who.
x
Sounds like a juggling act that Penn and Teller could never top. Also sounds like you are doing a good job at doing your job. Your little twitter has added a huge flake to the snowball of feminist chatter I hear in the halls on campus and I wanted to thank you for that.
It’s amazing how smoothly the phrase, “stuff yourselves” can come to the fore when people are rude and anonymous. It’s also remarkably freeing. I recommend it highly. “Hey, wannabe-mainstream media, stuff yourselves, ok?”
Practice it, it’s much easier after just a few reps. Believe me.
I saw this story blowing up on the mainstream media, and then the barrage of venomous comments, and wondered why well over a month after you posted that it flared up. It made me feel relieved too not to live with such hate gnawing at my soul. I read this first on your blog when you wrote about it. I think your Guardian article was excellent but beyond that I’d leave the mainstream media well alone on this issue. I used to work in it and can’t bear it any more. They will do what they want. You’re right, your kids don’t need you to further engage with it, and you don’t either.
It’s so ridiculous. People harp on dishonesty all the time but the truth is, they don’t want real honesty. Real honesty can be ugly to some people. In their own hearts, they are afraid they might have felt the same things. They’re just not big enough to admit it.
A-holes.
loved your Guardian piece!
Penelope,
The clue is in the Now byline: you’re a celebrity. Congratulations!
This means that the rabid UK tabloid press will see you, and your family, as fair game. Assuming for a moment that you don’t want to follow Katie Price down that well trodden route (http://twitter.com/misskatieprice), you might want to take some advice.
However, The Daily Mail (ugh! http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/index.html) picked it up a couple of days ago and it isn’t all over the press and TV here today, so you may have got away with it.
Even if not, I can’t see that this would damage your website. The sort of people you are looking for will be well aware of the media circus. And the Guardian (once upon a time the Manchester Guardian – NEVER the London Guardian, even though it is now run form London) is a high end, intelligent paper (equivalent to the New York Times) many of whose readership would enjoy and add value to BrazenCareerist.
Good luck! And thank you for your provocative, profound and moving blog.
In the Guardian you wrote: “I didn’t think about any of this when I wrote my tweet.”
Wouldn’t it be more accurate to write “I didn’t think.” ?
Twitter is the great dumbing down of humanity. It is the immediate emotional taking precedence over the time to think. It is the egoism of believing that one’s every thought must be relayed to millions around the world.
Have a miscarriage; fine. Be pleased about it; no problem. But spare the rest of the world from your thoughts about the subject. You were lucky this time – people want to talk about it – but that’s just a fluke. Most twitter is the intellectual equipment of vomit. Ideas empty of value that empty minds throw out into the cyber world.
The next time you want to twitter on any subject, stop and really think. Why am doing this? What are the implications for my life and those around me? Is this something that I will be proud to have done ten, twenty, thirty years from now? Then make the decision whether to hit the keys or not.
Congratulations on the miscarriage if that’s what you wanted. My sympathy on the compulsion to twitter.
I am baffled by this comment.
I fail to see how posting a comment on a blog post is any different to posting a comment on twitter. Both are “relayed to millions around the world” on the internet.
If Penelope’s twittering about her miscarriage is an example of “the immediate emotional taking precedence over the time to think” I don’t see how expressing this kind of opinion about Twitter could not also be an example of this. Statements such as: “Most twitter is the intellectual equipment of vomit. Ideas empty of value that empty minds throw out into the cyber world.” seem to me to be expressing a personal, emotional position. Which is fine but the author of the comment does not seem to acknowledge that others have a comparable right to express themselves as they see fit.
I am not in a position to know whether in thirty years’ time, Penelope will be reading her past blog posts in regret. The point is moot however, since irrespective of how she might come to feel about her writing, it is clear to me from people’s reactions and my own that she has enabled a platform for discussion and thought on a number of issues worth considering.
Please could you stop referring to the Guardian as the London Guardian.
You have done this before and were corrected (politely) by a number of commenters. The Guardian is not, nor has it ever been a London newspaper. It is national, and started in Manchester.
Repeating this mistake distracts from the substance of your post.
Loved your Guardian article, but can’t believe this is even an issue for anyone. It’s been a real eye-opener for me.
Congratulations on missing the point, ‘twitterfree’. :)
Death threats?? Well that’s it. No more snarky comments from me, even though I will always think you’re pretty much nuts (that doesn’t count.)
Hope you find peace.
You BELIEVE her?? Why? She lies chronically.
I found it difficult to read your article in the Guardian but ultimately your honesty and candour convinced me.
When I first saw the story break, I just presumed “there goes another attention-seeking new-media-knows-no-barriers wierdo” but now I’d defend you to anyone who talks about the story.
This story has generated such shock purely for one reason: people in modern society are not able to talk about their real emotions. This is forbidden. And it’s just too much for an average brain, to open to that extend… Therefore, they fear what they cannot understand (purely because of their limitations). I personally think that everyone has the right to express themselves in the way they want, and social boundaries set today are just… Silly sometimes. Honesty isn’t a value any more. All that one has to do is to hide behind a mask, to function well in the world which takes the truth as the most painful thing.
I can understand the death threats only because I explained your twitter reveal to some colleagues ( We are all in Australia). Their immediate reactions were shock and knee jerk outrage. I then explained what the bigger issues were. The fact that miscarriage is so very common that it is a workplace issue and that even though abortion is legal in some states in the US there are people who make it nearly impossible to exercise that right. My colleagues immediate reactions rapidly turned to understanding and support for the purpose of your twitter message. Perhaps you have an opportunity to make alot more people understand what is at stake here.
I think you show a lot of courage even if you stay at home with your kids.
Good on you, Penelope.
It’s sad, but sadly not surprising, how much unpleasantness this has attracted. I think a lot of people are very reluctant to comprehend that there is not just one ‘correct’ reaction to either a pregnancy or the loss of a pregnancy. But the reinforcing of those stereotypes is an insidious form of social control. We need people who are unafraid to speak about the reality.
Best wishes.
Australian Christian Coalition – way to embarrass your country and religion.
On behalf of normal Australians – sorry. And thanks for your blog.
Good on you. I read your piece for the Guardian and your most recent blog, and I agree with everything you say, and fully support your right to talk about your life and the events in it, wherever, whenever and however you like. The more open we are about miscarriages, abortion and whatever else the idiots out there think we should shut up about, the better.
Read the Guardian piece, very good and eye-opening. Thanks for being honest and well, this is what public forums are for, talking about everything, even something like miscarriages. Sadly the nutjobs will always be with us. Best of luck.
Bravo. To be asked by a reporter to explain the thought process behind deciding to tweet/blog about a topic? yes. But to be asked to “justify” your tweet/blog posts? no way.
Hi, read your article in the Guardian and agree completely that making certain subjects and words taboo don’t do women – or anyone for that matter – any favours. You should Tweet about whatever you want. Well done for facing the storm so well.
That was a very straightforward message which reassures me two things:
1. We own the (new) media.
2. The old media is not doing enough to save themselves (or maybe accelerating the trend)
On a different note the whole incident makes me scary, because after reading this article I would discount articles written in the aforementioned media, especially when the topic is related to twitter or miscarriage. Unfair, of course, but I think it will happen even subconsciously.
I believe you are the one who is doing what is best for you and your family, no matter what they say.
Thank you for your honesty and courage, Penelope. Some people will never get it. That’s their loss.
There is one reason – one reason only – why I am an avid follower of Penelope Trunk and Brazen Careerist. It is her honesty. Her unabashed talent for telling it like it is, with no sugar coating. I applaud Ms. Trunk’s courage in posting about this time in her life honestly. Hang in there, Penelope. This will all blow over, eventually.
P.S. I went and signed up at Brazen Careerist just now. Take that, CEO. Penelope is helping women with her honesty and openness, not hurting some “brand.”
I learned my lesson regarding mainstream media quite recently (though obviously not to the extent you have) when a major news network asked permission to come to my home and interview me about my past spending problems. They had read an article I’d written for Tango, about how being married made me realize that the bad decisions I made affected not just me, but also my husband and our future together. My article explained my thought process, and how I was able to move past my problems.
The short clip that appeared on TV was not nearly as thoughtful. Rather, it was sensationalist, and unhelpful to others who might have been experiencing the same problem.
I’m with you. It’s a luxury to be able to control how we are portrayed, using blogs or even appearing live on a radio show (no time for editing!). Perhaps it’s best to avoid the mainstream media, unless there is the chance it can extend our brand in a way that is helpul.
Hi Penelope,
I am a young head strong woman who is currently trying to make it in my career, which does involve the mainstream media. I began blogging about a year and a half ago and unfortunately mine does not remotely compare. I am very inspired by your blogg and the messages that you portray through it. And as for those of you that feel the need to be rude, critical and down right pigheaded about the miscarriage tweet, have you not got better things to do with your time?! Nothing stops nature, and if someone wishes to talk about it why not? Doesn’t change the end outcome…
Your blogg has just gained another reader.
also noticed went a bit g crazy there *Blog
I really boils down to we as women as still in many ways encouraged to be seen and not heard. Good for you for being open and honest. To go through life with blinders on and think that these things don’t happen is ridiculous! So what if you made some folks uncomfortable? Discomfort spurs change, education and understanding as we search for our own personal truths. I have always and continue to find you thought-provoking, insightful, and sometimes amusing. Rock on sister!
Not to be obvious, but isn’t it called “BRAZEN Careerist” not “Wimpy Careerist” or “Lockstep Careerist”? I think you are living and embodying the brand.
I had a miscarriage and of course it happened at work. Based on television, I thought it happened and was over – I didn’t know that it can take weeks for a miscarriage to fully occur. I told my whole department (so they’d know why I was weird) and was really open with almost everyone. It made people really uncomfortable, but that was about them – not about me. Good for you for exposing a topic that doesn’t get talked about.
actually… the correct definition would be
Narcissist
[n] – someone in love with him or herself.
And maybe, if women in general were a little more narcissistic, we wouldn’t be apologizing all the time and giving away our own rights to be happy.
So, I say? Narcissism ftw.
Narcissist
[n] – someone in love with themselves
I like your new attitude. You have the power. They want to interview you. They can do it on your schedule or skip it. And, lets face it, the main stream media is interested because it’s controversial and a bit juicy-gossipy. The media needs conflict — this generates it. Death threats? their dream as it creates a new juicy story.
Also, the sudden new interest in your tweeted miscarriage from two months ago strikes me as a “slow news day” moment. As soon as something else interesting happens (shootings at a military base, for example), they’ll drop you. You don’t need to rearrange your schedule and your children’s lives to help the mainstream media fill in a “slow news day.” They can come to you.
Best.Post.Ever.
This is why I am crazy about you and think you’re brilliant. If anyone there questions whether your name should be tied to the Brazen Careerist brand they need to check themselves. YOU are the Brazen Careerist brand. You are about teaching people to live their lives on their own terms–and that includes their careers.
Anyone else would be falling all over themselves trying to get on the Today show. They’d have the nanny explain to the kids that mommy had to go on a really important TV show and that she’ll call them tonight. Because other women are scared to do what you do: make demands for anything. Women are supposed to fall over in gratitude anytime anyone wants to interview them and they’re supposed to jump through hoops to make it happen on the other guy’s time. They’re supposed to settle for whatever anyone offers them in the workplace, and be scared to mention their kids for fear of not being taken seriously as a career woman or whatever.
Everyone in the world goes crazy when Dooce uses her influence to get a free dryer for a women’s shelter. You’re using your influence to empower women to not apologize every single day of their lives for stuff like having a miscarriage at work or the fact that they should have the right to choose abortion in Wisconsin, and on their own time-frame rather than the state’s.
Bravo!!! Well said, Maggie!
Penelope Trunk is the Brazen Careerist brand.
Right on Sister Suffragette!
I also found you via the Guardian and wanted to offer support. You seem to me to be a very sane person with a compassionate and courageous take on life – props to you and your kids.
Yeah, sane people change their names six times, blog about their husband’s sexual inadequacies and child’s conditions, lie openly on their resumes, write online porn and play beach volleyball and claim they are serial entrepreneurs who have founded either two or three companies depending on which online lie you come across, and always decline to name those companies even when someone meets you at a workshop and asks you point blank.
As always, sheer brilliance.
You are awesome. What a courageous, sane, dignified stance you’re taking on behalf of your life, your family, and the lives of many women–all while pointing out why mainstream media is not only losing its monopoly but why it can be downright destructive.
The death threats. Ugh. That makes me cringe and feel sorry all over again.
Hang in there, P.
This is why you rock my world. Kick. Ass.
Just read your article in the Guardian. Eloquent, honest and compassionate. Thank you. Ever so.
I’ve never submitted a comment to anything before … all the best Penelope.
What can I say Penelope? You tell ’em.
Hello again, fascinated to read that you have Asperger Syndrome. My son has it (I score pretty high for it too), and it made me wonder if it is partly that that makes you so straightforward and honest, and perhaps a little part of what made you tweet about your miscarriage (for which I applaud you, it’s not in any way a criticism). My son has a tendency to ‘blurt’, which is sometimes good, sometimes bad. I’d be fascinated to hear your thoughts about it.
I signed up on Brazen Careerist *just* because of your blog today. Go you! Go me! I appreciate your openness, your integrity and your dedication to the cause of women. Keep up the great blog and the great website!
I appreciated your tweet, I appreciate your blog, and I think that you should stay associated with Brazen Careerist. We women are now a major part of the workforce, and we should be able to talk about our lives openly. Thanks.
Go You!!! Keep it up.
You are not a slave to the media, Penelope. Just keep being you and stop justifying your statements. All it takes is a look at your blog to see you say what’s on your mind. The rest of the world can shove it. We need more women like you.
If it is any comfort to you I first heard this story break on this blog. Ditto for the miscarriage story. I guess I’m just one of those people who opens up the blog reader before turning on the TV. I find the content from my favourite bloggers to be much more insightful than that from most TV news shows. (My favourite bloggers are Paul Graham, Seth Godin, Kathy Sierra, Laura Ries, Bob Sutton, me and of course, Penelope Trunk).
I think your best response would have been to offer a video interview from your living room, your company offices, or from a video conferencing studio in Madison. There is no reason for you to disrupt half a week just so CBS can get 5 minutes of filler. I sure that the 70 million Americans who don’t live in New York or its suburbs but watch the show would understand.
If “Steve from the Early Show” wants a summary of your position, he can get it pretty easily from a half-dozen of your blog postings. Your themes and motivations are very consistent.
Your Guardian article is very inspiring. I think that women like you who are so completely at comfort with themselves should be honored, not ridiculed.
I began reading your blog long before you ever sent the-tweet-heard-’round-the-world and I find your writing eloquent and your points valid. I also work for a corporation and recently had a miscarriage at work. Sadly, because of the culture at aforementioned corporation, I was not able to speak of the miscarriage at work in any context other than to inform the (male) manager. He made some bizarre and vaguely insulting comments on my attitude and asked me why I was not calling an ambulance. It was difficult for me to pretend, with a smile, that everything “was business as usual” while I suffered secretly in my cubicle.
Although my situation is slightly different in that my pregnancy was intended, I honestly applaud you for being so forward about your experiences. I am excited to see that, in some part of the universe, people can speak of sensitive subjects sensibly and I am proud to be among your readership.
Thank you for writing this, Courtney.
I really appreciate all the comments in this string. Thoughtful and supportive and of course, really nice to read.
But what a lot of us are saying, I think, is that we hope this leads to more honest, discussion. So it’s nice, in all of the hoop-la, to see Courtney’s example of what I think we’d all hope for going forward – a genuine discussion of the complicated nature of being a real person at a real office.
Penelope
Actually this post does make me slightly less likely to sign up for the Brazen Careerist site. Not because of the miscarriage article at the Guardian though; that is fine.
But it’s not really that professional to turn your blog into a rant against the unprofessional treatment you feel you received from certain members or organizations in the media sector. There is a way to be personal at work or discuss personal issues at work that is meaningful and interesting and often I think you do that very well.
But launching a screed on an entire industry – the very industry that could help you reach more members for your site – is not that smart when it comes to promoting your brand. And I’m not sure I really respect a brand that relies on someone to raise their profile who is willing to publicly trash organizations to do it. Did you talk to the producers about your issues? Did you attempt to resolve your concerns? Did you ask about why the tight deadlines? Did you treat those people with the respect that you would like to have if someone is having an issue with your organization or service?
A rant will get attention and traffic, in the same way that you complain there is a sensationalist aspect to coverage about your tweet.
But IMO it’s not a very classy way to build a brand.
Even though Twitter and Facebook and your blog are good promotional tools and even reasonable tools for disseminating information, they aren’t necessarily bastions of credibility. And sure, many MSM outlets also have credibility issues – but not as large as Twitter, etc. Your “about me” blurb definitely leverages your MSM columns in order to establish credibility.
So when you turn around and trash the entire MSM, to me it says you’ve lost sight of real networking and real people beyond the blogosphere. No, not everyone influencial in every — or even most — industries reads blogs or has a Twitter account or even cares. I want to build a career in the real world, not as a Twitter junkie. if Brazen Careerist wants to be that point, I hope they take their brand management a little more seriously. Right now, I can’t see becoming a part of this particular community as reflecting well on me as a professional.
Anyways, yes, I think your CEO has a point about whether you should just say what you like or not, if you’re seriously representing the company.
Penelope Trunk is the brand of Brazen Careerist. As soon as the new CEO changes that, the company just becomes another social network. (yawn)
I didn’t hear of Penelope from the mainstream media. Furthermore, I have not ever seen her on mainstream media.
If you want to get exposure through mainstream media, you need a concentrated blitz over the major talk shows for a period of 2 weeks. She wasn’t doing that. It was just filler.
Shandra,
I think you’re missing the whole “brazen” brand of Brazen Careerist. Brazen Careerist isn’t about conventionalism, it’s about being bold, taking the unchartered road, and making your own way.
Mainstream media was unreasonable in their requests and they treated a potential story (Penelope)like dirt. Don’t get the mistaken idea this was some “favor” they were doing, that Penelope was being “graced” by their exposure. The media makes their money from stories like this, and, if they want to continue bringing them in, they’d better start treating people with respect. Mainstream should realize we’re no longer dependent upon them for exposure. People today can create their own.
And that is what Brazen Careerest is all about.
PS. Looks like the CEO also doesn’t recognize the Brazen Careerist brand. I’d seriously question his/her capabitilies if he can’t even do that. Get with it, dude.
That’s the thing, S, there was no “turn around”. From the getgo, the MSM proved themselves to be rude (yes, time zones are a reality), incompetent (a little research/reading would have revealed the “justification” for the Tweet), and fickle (drop everything and fly out now…no, wait, maybe tomorrow).
Then you ask why she didn’t attempt to resolve these things. Why is that Penelope’s responsibility? She weighed the unpleasant interactions against what she had to gain and decided it wasn’t worth it. Her branding is rooted in honesty, self-loyalty, and the realities of being a powerful businesswoman. If she’d pandered, that really might’ve damaged her brand. If these folks wanted to redeem the relationship, it was up to them. Meanwhile, Penelope’s blog continues to flourish in a way that’s in keeping with her brand.
So, if MSM is tanking, it’s not because Penelope is making unfounded accusations. It’s not relevant, and it’s not worth the hoop-jumping. If this rampant disrespect is the face of MSM, I can only sympathize with the folks at Inc who are trying to keep the slime off of the biz.