First, be honest about what you want
Someone once asked me to think of a moment in my childhood that was really nice. I thought of one.
Wait. You think of one, now. Quick. Just any one…
So I thought of a time: it was in my grandparents' huge yard with fruit trees and flower gardens and grass for running. And it was so peaceful.
What you remember as really nice tells you something about where you belong. Whatever you thought of, learn something from that.
Where I belong is in nature. And in quiet. When I lived in New York City, I spent most of my time in Central Park and the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. Most people who live in New York City say they spend a lot of time in Central Park. I almost lived there. I thought I would die if I didn't go there each day. (Wait. Here’s a test to see if you belong in New York City. I definitely don’t.)
When I drove up to the farm, the first time, I knew I belonged there. I think I fell in love with the farmer that second. And I saw my whole life as the process of coming to grips with the fact that I am not as fast and cool and cutting edge as I wish I were. I do not belong in a city.
So you'd think, now that I'm marrying the farmer, I'd finally get my farm. But I don't. Farm land is not like any other possession in the world. Laws of marriage and property and value do not apply. We went to a lawyer to get a prenuptial agreement, and it turns out that it's not marital property. Instead, it's everyone's security, and everyone's life long dream, and everyone's connection to the earth.
So maybe I will not get to live on this farm. It's ironic, because when the farmer first started seeing me, he wouldn't really do it unless I agreed that I could come live on the farm. And I said yes, I could, way before I really thought I could, because I wanted to be with him so badly.
Now I love the farm. But maybe, the farmer will have to buy different land. It's not clear. Surely, I will love whatever land we live on, because it will always be a farm. But I really love this farm. It's where I fell in love with the farmer, and the country, and where my kids looked happier than they have been in years.
I've never posted a photo of the farm because I am scared to want it. I'm scared to want to live there because I can't really control if I live there. It's between the farmer and his parents. But today, I'm posting a picture. Because part of coping with adult life is allowing yourself to want something even if you are not sure you'll get it.
So many of the questions I get from people are questions they answer themselves, in the very email where they ask the question. They ask if it's okay to want what they want because they're so scared to want it: A book, a blog, a job change, lots of money, less money. It's scary to want things in life. But if you don't know what you want, you can't even know which way to move.
The trick is to admit what we want, even if we are scared we won't get it. We can only be who we are. And if we are disappointed, later on, well. I guess that's just part of being a grown up and knowing what we want.
So. This is what I want. To live here, on this farm.
Thank you so much for posting a picture of the farm. I can understand how difficult it is to share things like that. I know you share a lot of very personal things via this blog, and I think I realized after I read this post that words are personal but pictures are way more personal to me. It’s like letting the whole world into your world because we can picture what you see when you go there.
I am really happy that you use this blog as a tool to become a better, happier person. The only one who can judge your growth is you, and it seems like you are able to pinpoint the buttons you need to push to learn and grow. I have a hard time with wanting things I cannot guarantee I will get. Maybe it comes from a tough childhood with lots of diappointment. I have a really hard time putting effort into anything I can’t guarantee a benefit from. But I think after I read your post I thought more about what you may learn from posting risky words or a picture, like today, that is peripheral to a direct benefit like developing a closer relationship with your followers.
Thanks for making me think more about this because I see now that I really need to!!
Alison? from rogers?
Nope. I’m not the Alison from Rogers.
I have only been reading your blog a couple months and initially I thought maybe you were a city girl with cutting edge insight…what I would want to be if I didn’t live in the middle of nowhere, although I would not trade my rural home for anything. What I have found, I think, is a kindred spirit! I hope it works out that you can live on the farm – I think you will love it and it can be worked out.
I’m confused. Why can’t you live on the farm? Do you mean that because you can’t have an ownership interest in the farm you don’t WANT to live there?
Really, I could not be happier for you and your boys. Boys belong on a farm, i think. Mine does, and I’m smack-dab in the middle of what I thought I wanted: an historic home with sidewalks and tall trees within view of the Oklahoma Capitol dome. And, my children. They want to live on a farm. So, I think to be honest about what we want, we must first be honest with ourselves about who we are.
Really, I could not be happier for you and your boys. Boys belong on a farm, i think. Mine does, and I’m smack-dab in the middle of what I thought I wanted: an historic home with sidewalks and tall trees within view of the Oklahoma Capitol dome. And, my children. They want to live on a farm. So, I think to be honest about what we want, we must first be honest with ourselves about who we are.
“If you build it, they will come.” Congratulations. I hope they’ll be happiness and purpose in my future as well.
the quote is actually, “If you build it, he will come” but you knew what I mean ;)
Why do you have to own it to live on it? Just be happy Penelope, the rest will work itself out. If this marriage doesn’t work out you will not want *this* farm anyway.
Are you trying to make sure he gets to keep the farm in the event of divorce, or the opposite? If it’s a problem with farm land generally how would buying another one help? Or is it something to do with this particular farm?
When my Wisconsin husband and I were first married we lived on his family’s farm. Due to the economy at the time, his family quit their dairy business and eventually sold the farm. I was heartbroken, even though I had lived there only a few short years.
That was 30 years ago. Shortly thereafter, my husband and I were able to buy another farm in the same neck of the woods. Guess what, this one means more to us than his family farm ever could. Because it’s ours. It’s the farm we bought together and raised our children on together.
The love you have will be the same whether you live on his parents’ farm or your own. Your boys will thrive just the same, maybe even more. Land is something we never really own, because it’s always there for someone else. It’s what we do with it, and how we live on it during our time, that makes land what it is.
Question for Penelope: Do the parents still live there? On your about the farmer, the part about the party line telephone, it sounds like they do.
Count me among those who want to live there too!
I’ve been thinking about acquiring a hobby farm–maybe 5 or so acres–upon which to either retire or to hide if society falls into chaos. If you have a little creek on that property, it would be perfect.
Lovely! The posts about you and the farmer and the farm make me so happy.
The words of this post complement the photo very well from the peaceful surroundings of the farm to the fork in the road.
Where I belong based on nice childhood memories – a cabin on a lake with a nice beach for swimming and a boat to go fishing.
Penelope,
I’m originally from Wisconsin and graduated from UW Madison, so naturally I’m very fond of the place and I enjoy reading about how much you like it, too. I’ve since moved away and have lived and/or spend considerable time in the Pacific NW, Southern California, the Carolinas, Boston, and New York City. In addition I’ve traveled to Japan, China, Thailand, and spend considerable time in Paris, France. While there are blowhards everywhere (especially the ‘coasters’ referring to the Midwest as the ‘fly over states’) I’ve found that if you work to really understand people it becomes quite clear why the live where they do. Also, I’ve learned that most people just want to wake everyday healthy, earn a living, play with their kids, and kiss their spouse goodnight.
On Wisconsin!
-Dave
Penelope;
I am really happy that I discovered you on the net. I have always felt different, people tell me I different, my daughters (13 & 16)would agree. I have had four carriers. Started out in broadcast equipment sales, started a computer animation company, I was the only employee, an animator.
Built computers for other animators and editors, Mr. Mom, Real Estate Investor (pretty much lost my shirt with this one and remain cold to this day) now I’m back selling technology. I’m really want to move to the home I built and cant sell in Costa Rica, on the beach. I love surfing more than just about anything on this world except for my kids and the gentle touch of a woman. That beach in Costa Rica is where it feels really nice to be. Oh yea… I’m also getting divorced from a beautiful woman and my dear friend.
I remember that Neil Young recently said;
“Spending your time in this old jail cell, sometime life just goes to hell with one bad hand.”
I’ll keep reading your Blog.
Richard Sher
.
Where in Costa Rica?
My husband and i drove from Playa Samara, to Arenal, to the top of Monteverde, to manuel antonio (we wished we’d stayed atop the mountain or the secluded Samara for longer!) In samara, we stayed in a small place called entre dos aguas that is run by an american couple–the woman was our age and from Milwaukee-where we live! It gave us hope for possibly moving there some day! Now, your post called to me as well!
Kateri Keller
If i have money, i will choose to live here too, may be we could neighborhod
Penelope;
I am just learning about this blogging thing. is this reply
“If i have money, i will choose to live here too, may be we could neighborhod”
from you or another reader?
(Thank you who ever you are BTW)
One more thing, I need and want to understand the Blogging process better than I do now. Would some one out the recomend resources for me to use. I have a blog but I have trouble managing it and getting other people to find me in the blogasphere. http://richardsher-digital-art.blogspot.com/
Please have a look at what I have created if you don’t mind and for some eye candy (art work) please have a look at my web site.
http://www.richardsherdigitalart.com
Thank you all so very much;
Richard Sher
your house for sale? where? how much?
Well said Penelope.
“…if you don't know what you want, you can't even know which way to move…”
Admitting what you REALLY want may be the hardest step to overcome, but once you do, once you realize what is most important to you, actually getting there becomes so much easier. Cheers!
Matt;
This is something I will ponder because it hits home like a enormous gong.
I have struggled with this issue since I can remember.
I’m in the heart of it now Matt.
Sincerely;
Richard Sher
.
Penelope,
My mother, chris keller, forwarded your blog to me and I read it out loud to my husband, danny, yesterday. We are barely 30 and are desperate and motivated to be where we want and to have what we want. The two years until danny finishes school and we can move is an eternity. I research daily about where we should/could live–abroad, somewhere warmer, in europe–we desperately want to go back–we want to be a part of the lifestyle and the culture there. Also, to be close to water, to the woods, to the grass and trees–perhaps out east with mountains as well. I feel drawn to excitement in the city, however, the older I get it always disappoints when compared to natural or historical beauty of the world.
Staying present and grounded is difficult while swimming in thoughts of where will we be? How will we live? Set amongst the beauty of the european history and art or waking each day to feel the salty breeze of the shore? Will we teach english abroad in Africa or the Philippines?
We are determined to be honest and true to our hearts about what we want, however it seems that we are not sure what we want, exactly. We do know one thing for sure is that we want out of Milwaukee, WI and into the world.
Trying to figure it out,
Kateri Keller
Kateri,
Something to remember…we always want want we don’t have and when we look back to something we no longer have, we wish we had it back.
Two years is such a short time in the scope of things. And being in school, even as you approach 30, is still a memorable time. Cherish the time while you have it, because someday you’ll look back at it with fondness. Milwaukee too!
Damn, you have such a way of nailing the thing I need to hear most. I have spent my whole life afraid to say what I want because when I was young and asked, I rarely got it. So with arms wide open, I am asking for it now. No more excuses. What the h** my other approach was not working anyway.
Man, farm life sure sounds great. So beautiful, peaceful and serene. Unless you actually have to make a living at it. Then it’s countless hours of work, ranging from the backbreaking (bailing hay, shoveling manure) to the agonizingly tedious (driving a tractor or combine all night long) to the just plain disgusting (plucking chickens, castrating pigs). If my dad were still alive, he would consider my office job one long vacation.
Assuming this farm thing works out, I hope P and the farmer have a crystal clear understanding on the chores that her kids will be expected to do.
Penelope –
Thanks for educating me. I had no idea farms worked so differently from, say, the family home. There is much to be considered, and whatever decisions are made impact the family income, as well as living situation. Very complex. And constant attention and care goes into this kind of business. Seems to me that having a farm requires the same kind of care that a marriage needs.
this post makes my hearty happy. Thanks for reminding me to be a bit less scared about hanging out my own shingle.
this really struck a heartwarming chord. thank you, Penelope.
i think it’s so essential to find a “safe” place. sometimes it’s difficult to listen to your heart and not your head, but finding that memory and emotion that that puts you in a comfortable spot can lead you where you need to be.
I inherited my grandfather’s farm and house. I thought it was great when I got it but the reality of taking care of the property and being half hour away from the nearest town made living there painful. Now I’m back in the city and visit the farm occasionally.
Do you know that song The Farmer Wants a Wife? Well, he wants you, darling, so what the hell are you waiting for? You don’t need to own that property to live there and enjoy it. No need for pre-nups, the farm belongs to the land. You can keep your property in your name for your kids to own one day.
No, I’m not a lawyer, just a romantic and idealist. Please give me a happy ending:)
Great post. You must be having a good day. Bodes well for your future. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Make the most of it!
No doubt you will work things out. If not with the farmer and you and the two of you and his family, you will for yourself and yours.
It seems like a lovely place. To have those open skies and colors of nature at hand. Really very nice. I only have to look at my garden and look at the sky and feel better because of the light, clouds, the changes.
Hi Penelope,
I have been reading you for over a year and decided to jump into the conversation. A many years ago I married a pig farmer- Ohio pig farmer. Your post got me thinking- as a kid I loved the city and the hustle and bustle- I love the subways, trains and the noise. I thought that I could live on a farm- I couldn’t. I am back in a big city!
You on the other hand love nature and him! What a perfect combination- take the leap and jump. and remember the words of our beloved Dr Suess
“You know you’re in love when you can’t
fall asleep because reality is finally
better than your dreams.”
Keep inspiring is and helping us get through our stuff…
Why don’t you really say how it is Penelope and quit sugar coating it. How are you really going to “get your farm”? We all want to know. If you are such a successful person why don’t you just buy your own farm and leave a family farm alone?
Sincerely, 1 of the cute little farm people from the wedding (your words verbatim)
Ouch.
so, reading this posting was extremely helpful to me because i know now that i can say (out loud) what i want and it won’t all fall to pieces because i did.
what do i want? a job that allows me to help people, but not have to follow-up with them to see: if they are using the help properly; if they need more help; if that wasn’t the right help; etc.
i’d like to be an information consultant (i have other ideas about making money doing other things i love, too, but those can wait).
does anybody have any advice about how to break into information consulting?
Playing in my yard with my 13 cats and 3 dogs. We were a big happy family. I ran out of names so started calling them Fluffy1, Fluffy2, Fluffy 3….
:)
I definitly agree!
I am afraid to want to live there because I can’t really control if I live there. It’s between the farmer and his parents. Sounds like the parents own the farm and they don’t especially want you there.
Thanks for your thoughts. it is looking that we have to more work hard in the field. But nice article to gain some good knowledge.
Some of my happiest memories of my childhood were spending time on my grandparents farm. There is no way to describe it, unless you have experienced it. I wish you the best.
More proof of the innate wisdom of children – we sort it out while we are still intuiting the world and then get educated to ‘unlearn’ all of that. Adulthood is just digging through the debris to find all that wisdom again.
good luck! and I’m hoping you and the farmer will think about growing native plants as well as all that corn….
Thanks for sharing,
like it very much~!
Rainy
My childhood memory was sitting 4-5 boys in a room playing football-manager collectively, og the green text screen of an amstrad. Today I work with IT in a role where I interact with a lot of different people and I’m quite happy :-)
That farm is beautiful, but I prefer the beach to life. In Costa Rica you have many options to choose.
I just caught the following web link on the local news tonight – http://www.nysamp.com/ . It’s a link to the New York State Agricultural Mediation Program.
Quoted from the site – “The NYS Agricultural Mediation Program (NYSAMP) is funded by the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) and the New York State Unified Court System Office of Alternative Dispute Resolution and Court Improvement. NYSAMP is one of the largest agricultural mediation programs in the country.” It is described as a tool for farmers and others in the agricultural community to communicate clearly, negotiate effectively, and to find fair and workable solutions. Decisions are made by the people directly involved, and not by mediators or other outside authorities.
Of course, it doesn’t apply to people outside of NY but I thought it may be of interest and may indicate that there are similar programs in other states.
It wasn’t until I read this blog that I really gave this issue much thought. I think that’s the way life is though – some things become issues that you just couldn’t make up even if you tried.
“Because part of coping with adult life is allowing yourself to want something even if you are not sure you'll get it.”
You are so right about this. Sometimes we are so afraid about wanting something because we are afraid not to get it. Sometimes we just gotta love and let it rain.
I wish the best for you and your farmer sweety! I hope all your dreams will come true in this farm! You deserve it. :)
I’m browsing through old posts and saw thIs one. Beautiful picture, the Fall on a farm is a special place. I remember, growing up on a farm, the Fall, the crisp evenings and changing colors. Wanting something we are not sure we can have is an interesting state. I think I’ve given up a couple of relationships in my life by not pursuing them because I wanted the, too much and was afraid I’d lose them Strange.
The information is uncommonly nice. I am most a speechless tutor nonetheless compelled me to breed this juncture. incredible post.
. Great bericht … Bedankt voor mij een goed advies voor een blog posting
Hi all, here every one is sharing these kinds of know-how, therefore it’s pleasant to read this web site, and I used to pay a quick visit this weblog every day.
A few years after… I came across your blog because I’m trying to find some answers to what I’m going through. I get the impression that you love the farm life, and the farmer. You have your own kids and the challenge is finding equality and security in a new life with the farmer. Yes/no? “Family farms” You will never feel like you belong, can call it your home, make it yours. He wants you there because there’s a lot of work to do and of course a farmers wife’s list is maybe the longest list of them all (including all the stuff that doesn’t get accounted for, emotional, organizing…) You wouldn’t mind doing this work, but you don’t want to feel like slave labor working for the “family farm”. Let me know what has happened in these four years since you posted this article. I’m interested to know how it turned out for you. I’m torn with loving the farm life, but not getting the respect I think a wife should get.
Yes, lovely because I have been playing Gourmet Ranch on Facebook and I read about you living on the farms, i thought to myself, nice.
Yes, and recently, i wanted to create a photo thing for romancea tip from gretchen rubin.. and yes, i too, have been on the internet getting around to be honest of what i want. yes, it would be nice to have children too. thanks for sharing and listening to me lament. love your presence on this blog. hug more, love more, and write sometimes.