How to deal with doubt: Take a leap
The farmer broke up with me five times the first five months we were together, last year. So I learned that he had huge commitment issues.
I tried to do the advisable thing to do when you're with someone who has commitment issues. I tried to fall in love with someone else. But I didn't. I only missed the farmer more.
So I told myself that it's okay to be with someone who has commitment issues, as long as I am having fun.
But my kids grew to love the farm, and the farmer, almost as quickly as I did. This makes sense. My oldest son was with me on my first visit to the farm, and if you have ever been on a working farm you know that to kids, it's like Disney World.
So my kids were constantly asking to go to the farm, and constantly trying to figure out, what is the farmer? A friend? An uncle? And why did I kiss him if he's not in my family?
This is not a good path for kids if the relationship isn't going toward marriage. So I waited until a day when the farmer and I were holding hands, walking between rows of corn higher than our heads. And I told him that I can't keep bringing the kids to the farm because we're not getting married and I'm scared the kids will get hurt.
The farmer didn't say anything for five minutes. And then he said, “Okay. Let's get married.”
It's taken me months to tell people. It's taken me months because I sort of don't believe it.
I didn't want to write that I'm worried. You will tell me, in the comments section, “Don't get married if you are worried!” But I'm not sure I'd ever NOT worry.
How can I not worry about marrying a farmer? I will be moving, with my kids, to his farm. The farm is in the absolute middle of nowhere, outside the town of Darlington, WI. And now, I guess this will be my debut in Darlington, because I'm pretty sure there will be no blog outranking me for that search term.
But if I didn't marry the farmer, I would be worried, forever, that I should have married him.
So it's not a hard decision to marry him. I have been married before, and I don't think I'm going to change much, so I know what I need, and I know what I have to offer, and we are a good fit.
And, I have Asperger Syndrome, which could be summarized as raging intellect and acute sensitivity to outside input. So the farm is a perfect spot for my mind to explore while outside-my-mind is calm.
But I worry about the farm for my kids. One of my kids also has Asperger Syndrome, and he is completely addicted to the farm and the animals, and the farmer's calm, slow, sunny demeanor. My other son does not have Asperger's and probably does not need of the serenity of life on the farm.
Not that serenity is bad. And the family life that grows from farming is intimate and grounded and full of routine. All good things for kids.
But I grew up in a world where everything was open to me. Check out my high school: New Trier. It's always ranked in the top twenty-five high schools in the country. I remember the principal telling us that the top 500 kids in our graduating class would go to colleges where most would be the valedictorians of their class.
At the time I didn't understand how this could be. But now I understand that in order to compete at the top of the academic field, you need to be the number-one student in your small town.
Maybe not number one academically. But number one in soccer if you want to play soccer in college. And number-one in cello if you want to play in an orchestra in college.
Wait. No. It's worse than that. Because in Darlington, there is no orchestra in high school. So where will my son play his cello in high school if he wants to play in college? And how will my boys learn to play soccer at a high enough level to play in college if all the kids on the coasts are getting private coaching? Where is the private coaching in Darlington?
It's scary how limiting the choices are when you live in a place like Darlington. But competition is scary to me as well.
The reason I couldn't keep playing professional beach volleyball is that I didn't care enough about winning. To get to the very top of anything, you have to think you're going to die if you don't win.
That's not me.
I belong on a farm, where life is slow, and rhythmic, and people are not breathing down my throat about getting the best of everything.
The farmer and I discuss this a lot. He went to graduate school for biology and hated it and went back to the farm. He thinks he could have done anything, so why won't my kids be able to choose anything?
I am not sure. I am not sure if it's my proximity to overachievers that gave me opportunities, or it's my innate optimism and intelligence.
Then he tells me that what I really would have wanted from my childhood is to feel love and security, and why don't we just focus on giving the kids that?
He's right. But it's hard for me to act on that. So I think this marriage and move are leaps of faith for me, hoping that love and security will trump opportunity and achievement. I hope I'm making a good decision for my sons.
The Story of the Farmer – From the First Day We Met:
June 2008 New Way to Measure Blog ROI
June 2008 How I started taming my workaholic tendencies
Oct. 2008 Self-sabotage is never limited to just one part of your life
Nov. 2008 Think of networking as a lifestyle, not an event
July 2009 The sign of a great career is having great opportunities, and saying no
Sept. 2009 How to deal with an insane commute
Oct. 2009 How to deal with doubt: Take a leap
i am so happy, i am doing a happy jig. right now. on my table. in my underwear. wait, what?
but really. this is such a sweet surprise. i couldn’t be happier. and i can’t wait to see what happens next. xo
What an honest and beautifully written post! Best wishes to you and the farmer for a long and very happy life together. As for the kids, I’m with the farmer – love & security will give them the foundation they need to go out and find all manner of opportunity.
Congratulations! I’m jealous: Darlington sounds like a wonderful place.
I’m a rural american farm girl turned big-city software architect and I will suggest you stop worrying about the kids. The “smart kids” at my country bumpkin high school all went away to college and have been able to find successful careers in medicine, engineering, law and business despite having a high-school education that didn’t include every AP class available to our city peers. While the small school might not provide as many extracuricular options but it will probably offer more opportunity to develop leadership skills and rise to the top in the activities they do offer. You are giving them an opportunity to be a well-rounded leader.
She just has that NYC worry about her children not being in the right daycare to get them onto the right path into Harvard or Yale.
Congratulations!
Penelope,
You proposed to the farmer!!
I had to search, but found your previous blog about getting what you want:
Getgoodatfindingtruebarrierstowhatyouwant
“And then I realized that I had created a totally artificial barrier to getting what I wanted – the yoga. I realized that the best way for me to get what I want the next time is to write out the chain reaction: I can’t do what I want because of X. And I can’t do X because of Y. And I can’t do Y because of Z. And then examine it – I am sure that somewhere in there is a weak link – somewhere in there is something that I can actually do, and then I am free to get what I want.”
This translates to:
“I can’t bring my kinds over because we are not married. And I can’t marry you, because you live on a farm in the middle of nowhere. And because you live in the middle of nowhere, my kids may no have opportunity”
Penelope. Screw the barriers. Get what you want.
Congratulations!!! I wish you all the best!
Congratulations, Penelope. Here’s wishing you, your kids and the farmer all the very best!
p/s: I admire your transparency and love your writing.
All the very best wishes!!! Love is often not convenient, and I applaud you for following your heart! Congratulations on your wonderful adventure ahead.
Oh boy!
The Farmer evidently loves you more than you love yourself, as indicated by a number of your posts. That’s good — I think. Someone needs to look out for you, because you won’t.
On the other hand, you conceived a child with the Farmer and then publicly rejoiced on this blog when you miscarried the baby. That is creepy, and it does not bode well for your marriage with him. At some point it all boils down to marriage being about life, not death. For your own good, please stop blogging about death where the Farmer is concerned.
Hi,
Your children need the faithfulness and unconditional love of the farmer for you. Your children need a Father. The farmer loves you and your children, live in that. Take delight that this may wants to give his life to you and his children.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
Tim
Take the plunge and fail rather than wishy-washy around it trying to ensure success at something that can only be attempted, not guaranteed. If you didn’t have kids, sure, “try on the Farm for 6-8 months.” But since you’ll be taking your children with you, demonstrate to them your whole-hearted effort, and make sure you have a support team of friends that will look you in the eye and tell you the bald truth about yourself when you’re being a relationship diva. Not every is going to have a comfortably enmeshed, stereotypical marriage. I guarantee that you WILL want to give up at times; what’s your plan for handling that inevitability? (Besides throwing in the towel?)
Also, the expectation/fantasy of high achievement for one’s children is overrated. A lovely young family came into the store where I work a while back. On the way out, the chipper young mother was saying to her kid, “Good, better, best … that’s our Aaron!” The kid was maybe 2 years old, and I felt the desperation underneath her brainwashing platitude. It made my skin crawl for that poor kid.
Maztel tov, Penelope. Nothing but good wishes to you.
If marrying the farmer is your ticket to personal and family happiness, then allow me wish you a hearty “mazal tov!” on this major life decision. And if a stable, loving, and supportive family life and couple life are in place, then the cello, soccer, and academics will sort themselves out. Good luck working out the details of this transition.
What a beautiful, doubt-defying leap! I am, from-the-heart happy for you, your sons and your fiance, Penelope. Just darling ;-)
Hey, two tangential thoughts just came to mind:
1. http://www.brazenfarmer.com
2. http://www.farmingcareerist.com
Oh, the possibilities in love-mergers…
Ha ha ha! Yes, the farmer totally needs his own Brazen Farmer blog.
Congratulations to you and the farmer!!
Penelope, all the “worrying” you describe–this is perhaps your code word for “planning”. And as parents, how can we help but plan for our childrens’ happiness, as much as possible.
However, only you can decide if the planning/worrying is a more important rule of life than living one day at a time. On the farm. In a more serene atmosphere. Surrounded by the farm work ethic and (most importantly) the sunny, loving, supportive qualities of the Farmer himself.
Farmer, if you are still reading the comments, note bene: You are marrying an Einstein, a brilliant, quirky, bold, dramatic person. Don’t be afraid. She says you have soothing ways . . . so we know you can complement Penelope’s qualities. Steady now. Give one another a lifetime to groom this relationship/marriage to its best.
Chris
I am happy for you, and wish nothing but good stuff for you and the farmer. Don’t worry about the boys. The best you can give them is a happy house with two people in love. With that foundation, they will be able to take care of the rest.
No matter where you are, you can open the world to your children. Plus, you’re not that far from Madison. Son can still take cello lessons, people all over do this sort of thing. And the joy of growing up on a farm, in a closely knit community far outweigh your concerns. You’re a really smart woman, your kids are going to have the best of both worlds! Best wishes to you, the farmer and your children. Enjoy!
Congratulations, Penelope! As a single custodial parent of a 12yo autistic boy, I understand some of the challenges you must face. I think this will be a wonderful life for all of you. There will still be opportunities there, you might just have to look a little harder. Best of luck to you, the Farmer and your children!
P.S. – I work in the wedding industry. Get a copy of Peter Merry’s “Best Wedding Reception… Ever!” It’s the best book on the topic I’ve seen, and I give one to each of my brides. http://www.thebestweddingreceptionever.com/
There was some point I arrived at while reading your blog – it must have been that post about “the babies” (abortion – not the last one – the one b/f that) or the one about your gut-wrenching childhood for which you have little memory, that I started to think the farmer and the farm were perfect for you. I am not nearly this hopeful about remarriage. I have been remarried, and when I remarried I had a child. He had never been married or had children, but we were still a blended family – dealing with my divorce; my ex; visitation issues; custody; trials; error. This is not easy, but, you know, it’s easy to believe in a man who would return to the farm. And for as revealing as you get on this blog sometimes, Penelope, he must love you very much. And, it sounds like he might even love those boys, and your debut in Darlington is long-awaited. And, if you love him, and boy, it sounds like you do, then your half way to success. Besides, who is to say they’ll want to play the cello. They may want to farm. Yes, at some point after months of reading your blog I was saying to myself, “No wonder she moved to Wisconsin. She belongs on farm.”
Now, this is getting long. I’m happy for you. I’m leaving you with one of my favorite Springsteen tunes. Have you heard it? I bet the farmer has:
Driving in to Darlington County
Me and Wayne on the Fourth of July
Driving in to Darlington County
Looking for some work on the county line
We drove down from New York City
Where the girls are pretty but they just want to know your name
Driving in to Darlington City
Got a union connection with an uncle of Wayne’s
We drove eight hundred miles without seeing a cop
We got rock and roll music blasting off the T-top singing
Re: Orchestra (lack of) in a small town.
Start an endowment fund and bring orchestra to the school system. It can be your gift to your new world. You certainly have the skills to get one up and running.
Best of luck. Rural America has secret blessings awaiting your discovery.
I’m actually sort of jealous. I grew up in Dubuque, Iowa, which I would guess you’ll be visiting from time to time, and would love to live in Madison. I currently teach at New Trier, which is a great place to work, but I miss having the chance to be out the city in just a few minutes. Last night was Lagniappe here at New Trier; what a hoot!
I am so excited for you! I remember when you met the farmer and I remember you driving away from the farm and him peeing! LOL.
Wow!!!
I’ve followed your blog for a long time and I don’t know when I have ever been as surprised as I’ve been reading this post.
As a committed follower of Jesus (the word Christian carries a lot of baggage in our culture) there are a lot of differences about how we see life. However, I love reading about your life and your thoughts because of your unique perspective and dead-on view about communication and openness.
I say a hearty “Go for it” to your decision to marry the farmer and move you and your kids. It won’t be easy, and you know that. The best decision I ever made was deciding to spend my earthly life with my wife. Sure some of my plans for myself don’t quite look what I thought they would be, but the love and relationship I have is something I treasure now and will throughout eternity.
The best thing you can do for your kids is to marry the farmer and love him and to keep on loving him. There is something built into kids where they want to be part of a loving family. As a child, the greatest fear I would experience was the fear when my mom and dad would be fighting. My very soul wanted them to get along and love each other. Kids need to see that and I think your kids will.
Congratulations! And kudos to you for taking this “leap of faith” in your relationship!
Grace and Peace.
Yes yes yes!! Congrats. The kids will be fine–how many times have you spoken of people’s ability to be nice and get along well with others as a key to their success? The healthy grounding is worth far more than the top-tier private soccer coach.
A farm is a *wonderful* place for an Asperger kid to grow up!
The healthiest, whole-est Aspies I know all grew up on farms. They didn’t learn to dislike themselves. They failed to learn that they didn’t fit in. They just did what they do, independent of others’ opinions, and grew into funky, brilliant, and peaceful adults.
All those “advantages” you give up by not living in a big city are artificial. Going to the “best school” is important if you want to be funnelled into the top executive position at a top firm. But if you want to do your own thing and start your own business (which is a far better plan for an Aspie anyway), you need openness, ideas, confidence, and joy in life.
What’s better for a kid – to play cello in a school orchestra, or to play it on a hill in the wind?
Blessings on your new life path!
As so many others have wished, congratulations! happy is what you make of it, marriage is hard work (as you know) and if you don’t take a leap, you will never know how it feels to fly through the air.
All the best for you!
The Aspie thing: I’m sure you’ve thought of Temple Grandin and how she made her way in academia with her human animal chutes beginnings . . . Talk about thriving!!!
Chris
OOOps. I meant to say “HUMANE animal chutes” in my Temple Grandin post above.
Chris
Congratulations! One of the things that I have truly enjoyed about your blog is its complete open and honest tone. Thank you for sharing your life, and best wishes for a happy farm life!
Peace – Patrice
The farmer is right. Kids need love and security. Life is to be lived–all the competition stuff of cello and soccer is just upper middle class confusion. If your kid wants to really play cello like a madman, you’ll find a way to make that happen–he’ll go to the big city or you’ll hire a tutor. And who really plays soccer after college–after high school, even? These things are supposed to make life joyful and worth living in the pleasure of doing them–not by “being the best” or “being number one”. Maybe living on this farm will be an opportunity to save them from this achievement confusion. The upper middle class values socially sanctioned achievement (and property) above all else. Those things don’t really matter–happiness does.
Congratulations, of course. I do understand your concerns about your children’s opportunities.
I grew up in a place just like Darlington. I was the top 4-Her in the county and amassed a pretty significant resume every year for my fair projects, youth leadership events and my officer positions. I was the only non-farm kid at the fair every year.
I won all my local scholarships on my way off to college. Our band (not orchestra, but there are bands) competed state wide and I was so successful on my instrument I studied it in college.
I won scholarship and opportunity to mulitple schools. I got to my first private college on a near-full ride and lost it by my second sememester. I learned my lesson, transfered to state school and have since managed to undergraduate degrees, a master’s and my Ph.D.
Like you, I’ve combined those skills into many jobs, including academia and professorships, consulting and public speaking. I’ve had three separate careers thus far (I now work in PR not too far from you in Darlington) and am still a “joiner” –I’m a big advocate of working women’s organizations and am a part of the AAUW.
The point is, I think my small town, my “lack” of opportunities taught me to soak up anything and everything I can get my hands on. When I did go off to college, I did it full force (even the partying, at first).
I think the perceived limits of a small place with fewer choices trains to you make better choices, to appreciate them and to seek them out. I constantly found ways to be challenged, to exceed and be creative. I could have gone to a fancy high school, I could have been living in New York where the possbilities seem endless-but don’t forget, endless possibilities can be paralyzing. My small town was motivating.
Good luck to you and your children.
If you are committed to making it work, it’ll work. It won’t be easy but nothing ever is. If you have doubts, don’t do it. At some point, you have to “settle” down and accept your life for what it is, not what you think it should be. Keep it simple and marrying the farmer could be the best thing that ever happened to you!
CONGRATS, Penelope! I cannot believe you’ve moved w/in about 20 miles of where I grew up in Mt. Horeb, WI. Next thing you know you’re going to be writing about your dream job as a cheese maker…;)
BEST!
Brian Kurth
VocationVacations
Brian Kurth + Co.
Best of Luck. Life requires a leap of faith and if you are not worried, something is seriously wrong. Take the leap of faith, love your kids, protect yourself as best you can, and most of all love what you are doing and who you are doing it with.
Kick butt, take names, don’t forget a pencil
Best of luck
Tom
Congratulations! The farmer is very lucky!
Congratulations and the very best of luck. No marriage is perfect, no relationship is perfect and above all – no human being is perfect. Recognizing this makes life much easier. Just give everything your best shot, that’s all anyone can ask.
Nice! Congratulations!
lol, i’m sure you do have assburger syndrome. just like every other person on the internet.
I went to what’s now ranked as the #1 public high school (Thomas Jefferson, in northern Virginia). They told us how smart we were and how we’d accomplish so much. That’s a dangerous environment — so much praise leads to swollen heads, an attitude of entitlement, and anxiety over “gee, I’m not going to an Ivy League school, am I going to survive in the world?” I’ve done OK since then — at 27, I’m NOT the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, but so what? With your and the farmer’s influence, I think your kids will do fine, regardless of location. Good luck, and congratulations!
I look at all the love strangers have left here for you and hope that your new home will be overflowing with it.
I am getting married in a couple of months. I am scared every single day but he is a good man and unfailingly supportive of everything I do. His parents are wonderful. We want the same things and we accept the infuriating differences between us with as much humor as we can. I love him more every week (even when I want to stab him in the head!).
I am putting my trust in him and my faith in myself and remembering that if you don’t take a chance you will just stand still while life passes you by.
Good luck. We all need it.
My semianniversary (6 months) of wedded bliss is on Sunday. My husband is an incredible partner, and he makes my life so much sweeter, richer and better thought-out. I found being engaged terrifically terrifying. I would come over for the weekend and cry. I loved him, I wanted to be with him, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be married. He would ask me what being married meant, and slowly we were able to deconstruct it. We decided what being married would mean for us, and it’s meant such wonderful things. And we were married six months ago. I’m truly happy, and very privileged, and very lucky.
I love this blog, I love how forthcoming you are, I love learning about your life and reading your advice.
Enjoy this next adventure!
Dear Penelope, thank you for your kind words, and that while you’re on this emotional rollercoaster yourself! Congratulations to you and your interesting farmer.
People tend to forget living on a farm has changed since they were young, and yes, internet acces changes everything (I remember reading your Blackberry may have reception out in the fields, maybe you can get your own living-room-café-style-shed to work in!).
Also, it makes a big difference whether someone grew up then with relatively undereducated parents or for your sons to grow up with you and your educated, life-experienced partner and their father available.
To me, moving (back) to The Netherlands for the second time and just outside the city felt like moving to a farm (old style). But with the kids in an international school near the city where there are more people with similar moving experiences, it is not as bad as it seemed :) . Just the time difference and distance to some friends whom I’d like to hug and meet with once in a while (or rather more frequently than that) are making it harder.
Moving from NYC to Madison was the big step in moving, moving in with the farmer a big step in your emotional life. It seems to me that because of your Asperger’s you come more prepared than anyone.
You will figure your new life out, and will blog about it, no doubt. I’m looking forward to your posts from the farm.
All best,
Congratulations on a real adventure! I am a city girl who moved to the country, and I can assure you, you have a lot of surprises coming, and very few of them are unpleasant. If your cellist son ends up playing only for his enjoyment, isn’t that enough? This adventure may send him in an entirely different, and maybe more appropriate, direction — you won’t know until he’s 35 anyway, so let the chips fall where they may, and embrace the change! Many best wishes to you ALL for a well-lived life together. cvc
Congratulations Penelope! It sounds like you’ve thoroughly analyzed the potential outcomes of your decision, but in the end, as most things in life, you can never really know how things will turn out, so all you can do is really to take a leap. Best wishes to you and the farmer!!
I feel sorry for your ex. Is the guy even meeting anyone while you had tons of opportunities.
Dear Penelope,
The bad news: if you’re accustomed to city life (and especially if you’ve never lived anywhere else), you will be miserable in a small town in Wisconsin. There’s no way around it. You keep mentioning “serenity” and “farm” in the same sentence. Oh that is romantic, but no; sorry. Some of the country’s most heard-rending stories are played out in the lives of the inhabitants of small-town midwesterners (though they will insist this is the UPPER midwest). I’m afraid, too, that as a mother you will be alarmed by the lack of social services and by the generally conservative and intolerant attitude of the locals. Also, please note that visiting the farm is nothing like living on the farm.
You will fall in love again.
I wish you good luck.
Bronwen Rowlands,
Don’t worry about her- all of what you mention will end up as her blogger-tisement fodder in the future.
Just sit back and watch the trainwreck as it progresses.
I appreciate your honesty and insight. Congratulations and I look forward to reading about your new adventures.
If you’re making a good decision for you – and it appears that your are – then you’re making a good decision for your sons. Congratulations and much happieness.
Congratulations Penelope and Farmer.
Came here from Althouse and was intrigued by your discovery of the farm.
May your life together be blessed.