Blending my kids and my career (ugh)
Here’s what it looks like to have a flexible schedule for kids and work all day: A computer with a broken K key.
Usually I can tell people I can’t talk after 1pm. It’s when I take care of my kids, and I know better than to think I can have a serious conversation with them around.
But now, when I’m doing radio and TV for my book, I am not really in the driver’s seat when it comes to scheduling. The first time I took an interview after 1pm, I was living in a fantasy world that the kids would sort of care for themselves. That’s the time that somehow, my son who has never displayed a penchant for small-motor skills, dismantled my K key and lost it.
I told myself that I’d replace it. Can you buy a K on the internet? And then I told myself that I would move the Q key to the K spot. But the truth about having a great flexible schedule where kids and work mix is that there is never any time for things like replacing a K. So I just learned to come up with words that don’t require it.
And I continued. But then I get a day like the one when Fox News calls me at 3pm. I can’t tell them call me back, right? It’s not like I’m endorsing Fox News here, but I am endorsing the idea that being on Fox will sell some copies of my book. So I take the call.
But it is not good news. It is good news that they want to talk with me about my opinions about cancelling email at work to increase productivity. You can imagine, I have a lot of opinions on this completely inane idea from some luddite CEO who can’t get a handle on his inbox.
But my two-year-old is trailing me, not really being noisy, but doing things that need some attention, like investigating the lamp switch. At first I pay a little attention to him and a little attention to Fox. But you know how right before you are going to die you have ten thousand thoughts in one second? I had that – I had ten thousand thoughts about how this is my big break in television and I am messing it up by letting myself get distracted by my kid. I am not being as scintillating to the producer as I could be.
All this in one second. And in the next second, I am taking out a box of Cheerios and letting my son dump them on the floor. This is very interesting to him. For a minute. Then, when I fear he might be getting up to do something I’d have to pay attention to, I take out Coco Puffs. He dumps. Then walks. Then stomps. By the end of the call, I have endeared myself to Fox, I think. But you can imagine the house: Crunchy and disgusting.
So it is no surprise that when I have a radio interview at 4pm, I plan an intricate babysitting scheme where I give up hours on three days to get extra hours on the day of my interview. And then the babysitter is sick. Of course. So I try to weasel out of the interview, but I worry that this is something that women with kids are known for. (Are they?)
So I take the kids to swimming and I plan a scheme where they are nonchalantly eating junk food next to the TV when it’s time for my radio interview, and then I sort of disappear. But other kids come and then I have to reveal to the other parents that I’m dumping my kids in front of the swimming TV. And then the radio show is late, so I have to reveal to the manager that my kids might be unruly and there is actually no one supervising them.
The manager is so nice that she lets me stand in the broom closet so there is no background pool noise.
So this weekend I decided that I need to get a grip. I don’t want to be the book author who does interviews from broom closets. The thing is, I don’t really know how to solve that problem right now. So I solved the problem I could, and I bought a new computer: Check out my new K. It’s everywhere.
Now if you solve your other problems in a similar manner to buying an entire new computer to fix a K key, you’ll be broke by the end of the year! ;-)
Penelope,
You have no idea how much I enjoyed this post – thank you! When I did promo for my book (which I am sure was not nearly as extensive as yours) my favorite radio interview was done from a rest area on the Mass Pike as my then 1.5 year-old daughter stared at a video game outside the bathrooms. (She was on my lap, we sat in front of the video game, and the movement on screen made her quiet for the 15 minutes I needed to talk.) Did I mention that the reason we were in the rest area and not in the car, as planned, was because she threw up right before so we had to pull over?
I am going to link over to this post from workitmom.com today – we talk about juggling work and family over there, and you should be part of the Big Apple Circus for this juggle!
Egads. I can relate. In one of my own previous incarnations as a free-lance editor/publisher, I had the brilliant idea of leaving my 1 yr old (in her stroller) with my 7 year old on the sidewalk while I dashed into the printer’s. A few minutes later my 7-yr old came running inside, wild-eyed … and without the baby. I broke a new speed record, I’m sure, in following my ears to where she lay, screaming, underneath an upside-down-stroller, at the bottom of a short set of stairs. I died a thousand deaths right then, but turns out she was FINE (we checked and x-rayed the heck out of her to be sure!!)
That was the end of that particular chapter in my life… I was guilted right back into being a full-time mama for a few more years. I’ve been bouncing around in the fringes of working/not working ever since (see my blog!) And if anyone ever figures out how to win this battle of Woman vs. Rabbit Hole (and “K” key), PLEASE let me know!!
Penelope, when you get a grip be sure to post it on Monday. I have three kids (8, 11 and 13) and work virtually. I will say it gets easier with their ages BUT I can tell them 8,000 times to not speak to me when there is a speaking device near my head (just last night my 8 year old said “that’s your cell phone not regular phone” when I said “don’t speak to me with a phone near my face”….) I’m in the middle of introducing myself to a 100M producing realtor that I really need to know and they’re complaining that there are no good snacks in our house. So the “k” problem only changes. Most days I end up laughing – I really don’t think dad’s go through this (sexist but true in my mind statement)… and I know it’s teaching me something :) When you DO find the answer, that will be the book of a lifetime :)
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Sage commentary: The K problem only changes.
Disappointing, because truly, I did hope it might go away. But thanks for the reality check :)
— Penelope
Laughing out loud! This all sounds like stuff I would do.
I’ll be blending kids and work tomorrow. One of my teams invited me to join them on a teambuilding event and kids are invited. I’m taking my 4-year-old. I really want him to behave so that they will think I’m a good parent, which will could reinforce the idea that I’m a good manager. And you know how dogs can smell fear? My son can smell this vibe I’m giving off too. I’m sure he’ll be absolutely Tasmanian tomorrow. :)
lol ! My big pleasure was seeing the one-year old trying to imitate me fixing the key back !! I now have a second (second-hand) monitor and wireless keyboard for my hidden laptop…”Creative, Cost-effective solutions for the work-at-home parent” is a good book idea…
BTW, your columns rock…and the ‘braided career’ post was one of the best ever…thank you very much for inspiring me every day
I’ve got a writer friend with four kids and a husband who travels and a book to promote. When she needs to do interviews she drives the kids through some fast food joint that they love but rarely get then takes the call on her cell phone sitting on the bumper of the car while the kids eat their food inside (with the windows down — natch!). Hey — it works for her!
Funny story. Especially switching the Q key for the K and then writing words without either. Here’s an old fashioned solution. Baby-sitter. How come you haven’t hired one already?
I’ve been in the same situation many times. Well, certainly not with Fox News…but with other people wanting to talk with me. Our solution is neighbors. In our neighborhood there are a ton of part-time/freelance workers with kids. We trade kids at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t survive without my neighbors!
Best post ever. I can completely relate to this.
Since it’s summer, you should be able to find a teenager who can come in and watch your kids for an hour while you do this other stuff. Even if she’s not your usual sitter, it should be ok because it’s only for an hour and you can be right there with her in case anything horrible happens.
But whatever solution you do decide on, part of it will include sucking it up and admitting that yes, you need some extra help. I don’t think anyone that’s had young children will disparage you for needing a little extra childcare. Don’t think of it as a sign of weakness or of being out of control. It’s not. As you said, it’s just part of being a working mother.
Two immediate solutions spring out of your own columns: use money to buy time and use your network to get your resources. Either hire a babysitter or ask a friend for a few favors. Surely you know a few other moms that stay home during the day and surely one of them likes you well enough to babysit in exchange for home-made cookies. (Although I’m probably biased on that last count since I am a huge fan of babies and cookies.)
What you described is why I encourage my wife to stay take a weekend off and get a room for herself while I watch the boys.
Maybe something to brighten you day; Mom My Ride:
http://theleibyfamily.blogspot.com/2007/03/for-my-fellow-minivan-moms.html#links
Great post. :-) Consonants are overrated.
Jason
Loved this post. I’ve done plenty of conference calls in the closet and the mute button on my phone is a savior. I work from home most days, but have an in-home sitter to focus on my kids while I hide-out in the office. Yes, an added expense, but worth it for my sanity.
Great blog again- really funny and sounds so familiar. I once could n’t make a two day management meeting. (these were a waste of time anyhow, blah, blah, blah) I’d consistently worked 70 hours a week for months and this was a first, as normally I’d lots of friends to call on for help.
Next thing I got a call from a technican who been given an order to put in broadband and camera so that I could fully participate in the two day meeting via video conferencing from my home! With a 5 year old and a 12 month toddler there was no way this was going to work! But the boss insisted- video conference for 2 days! Luckily the technicans could not get the broadband installed on time. Phew.
Think as some other comments siad you need to develop more local contacts- it’s saved my bacon more than once since I took the self employment route.
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Carol, Thanks for this comment. This is a great example of how technology doesn’t help. In some cases it’s just a distraction and a tool for people who have no idea how life works.
— Penelope
Holding on to your K without loosing your Q takes a village, for sure. I have had my share of Cheerios and Cocoa Puffs on the floor moments (this is SoCal, though, so they’re actually Joe’s O’s and Organic Gorilla Munch). I’ve also experienced some very family friendly moments at my current job. We have a hole in child care for our 5 yo daughter on Friday afternoons. My choice: leave early or bring her to work. So now she comes to my office on Friday afternoons for an hour and practices her Spanish via IM with the Peruvian contractor I manage. I stay at work. She is cared for. Total win. Gotta appreciate it when your K’s and Q’s are clicking. Keep blending.
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Chris,
What a great comment. Thanks. And the image of your daughter IMing with the contractor is great.
— Penelope
This is the exact reason why I don’t have a wireless mouse – I’m sure it would disappear!
… and I think Penelope Trunq just isn’t the same – good call on buying the new keyboard :p
Jason Alba
CEO – JibberJobber.com
… relationship management for the individual …
penelope, wow, i’m impressed you were able to do the interview at all. i’m always trying to get my dog to shut the hell up. (he only barks when producers or new clients call.) i can’t even imagine juggling kids and playdates and PR.
i like the broom closet interview concept. hilarious. i wish i had a broom closet; maybe i’ll try the garage sometime. i thought it was bad enough when i had to do an interview from the airport on a noisy payphone because my cell phone died, or on a crowded street corner in manhattan because that was the only time the reporter could talk to me and i was, well, walking down the street in nyc with a friend, while on an excursion 3,000 miles from home. but that’s nothing, i see now… lol.
Oh, I have so been there. When my son was 18 months, he managed to pop THREE keys off my laptop. Do you know how much a laptop keyboard costs?!?! Ugh. I’ve also been there with my normally fairly calm child turning into a loud, whiny, messy child when I really, REALLY need him to be calm and quiet. Sigh. Moms just can’t win!
Can I get an AMEN!? I was actually bummed when my first daughter stopped taking so long to nurse, because when it took her an hour I had a nice clear runway for a conference call.
Now our only hope is the 3 day a week nanny and 3rd floor playroom.
Good luck with the rest of the book tour — NYC, California, or broom closet :-)
I love this post and I love your blog. Thanks for authentically desribing the chaos of working motherdom.
And I thought I had busy days!
Awesome….I salute you and all working Mom’s you really make this world a better place by doing your best and giving the time you can to your kids…
I’m not totally qualified to comment, since I go to work while my wife is at home dealing this these kinds of things all day, but here’s some ideas:
1) find a part time playschool. Our 2 year old went to a 9-12, 2-day a week thing that at least gave my wife a 3 hour break so she could spend some time exclusively with our then newborn. If you get the kids into some kind of part time gig like that, you will have some time windows where you have time to yourself where you can deal with phone calls, etc.
2) the mothers helper idea is good; but it is hard, in practice, to actually find that, I know. We haven’t found a babysitter yet.
3) another perspective…if you were telecommuting–a good telecommuting policy requires employees who telecommute and have kids to make daycare arrangements. You cannot “work from home” because your childcare fell through. But people do it all the time. That’s why many managers hate telecommuting.
All this is well and good, but actually, it only works when you have time to plan. So that means it never really works! That’s the thing non-parents and working parents with their kids in daycare don’t understand about stay-at-home life–you can’t sit there with the baby on your lap while you write emails…well, sometimes you can, but inevitably, the urgent email/phone call/etc will coincide with a baby meltdown or something else. The challenge, the real difficulty is how to deal with the unanticipated things…so…
4) get a TV, a TiVo, and set it up to record Clifford, Dragon Tales, Curious George, Caillou, Clifford’s Puppy Days, the Wiggles, and Barney.
There has been a lot of discussion lately about the dangers of TV and how many parents think these shows are educational…whatever. Better they watch a few episodes of Clifford than see you get all PO’d because you are trying to do a business call while they are freaking out.
As a working mom who also struggles with the juggle, I’m starting to question whether or not a balance is truly a balance. “Balance” seems to imply a hybrid of activity – an attempt to be everything to everone at the same time. It’s impossible. No wonder we’re stressed, frazzled and exhibit symptoms of ADD. I used to bragged about what a great multi-tasker I am but all that meant was I did things without my complete attention – including parenting. I’m trying to stop – not parenting, multi-tasking. I think it was doing my life and those in it a disservice.
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Tara,
I, too, have trouble parenting effectively when I’m multi-tasking. I think the root of my problems right now is that I did not used to work from 1pm to 8pm, which is my parenting time. But now I am having to work during that time, and I don’t particularly like doing it. I do a lesser job in both work and parenting when I’m trying to do them at the same time.
Penelope
I loved this post! I work from home these days and do my best to schedule calls and meetings during the four hours of child-care I have lined up per week. I haven’t yet done an interview from a broom closet, but I have had to lock myself in the bathroom to minimize the sound coming from the computer (no TV in our house) — the person on the other end is probably wondering about the echo. I’ll never understand why kids find they have urgent need of me when I’m on the phone, even with the *best* of bribes at their disposal!
The fact that you are saying all of these facets of your life are colliding at the same time, openly admitting to your insecurities of how you will be perceived rather than perpetuating the idea that your life fits into perfectly segmented chunks of time means that you are succeeding at breaking the notion of what defines a successful woman. It’s about time. When I have moments like these, I plan to reward myself with a night of watching Mr. Mom.
Great post about the difficulties involved in working flex hours — sometimes you have to be flexible and find a way to work and parent at the same time.
My husband conducts a lot of business on the phone including cel phone while driving. When I’ve been around or in the car as well, I’ve noticed how he manages to explain quickly to the caller the odd noises in the background (our son chatting away, crying, pointing out there is a crow bird saying caw caw, etc.) and then continue on with the business conversation in a professional manner.
Maybe it’s a male-female thing, in many ways, but it works for him.
With radio interviews it may be different. But my point is that maybe you/we worry about the kid noise more than the people on the other end of the phone. My husband acts like it’s normal and no big deal, and other people seem to accept that.
***another idea***
When people who don’t know about my flex hours (usually at another organization) ask me to make a meeting or conference call in the late afternoon, I typically say I’m unavailable “at that time” or that “my late afternoons are pretty full all week, but mornings are good… can we talk then.” 19/20 the person on the other end says no problem and we find a better time.
I assume you’ve tried this with some interviewers? (lots of radio interviews that “appear live” are actually taped earlier, for example).
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Wendy, I think it is a male/female thing. There is research to show that in statistically identical situations, having kids in the picture hurts a woman’s career and does not hurt a man’s career. I think a lot of this is because of perception. I think that many people perceive that a woman with kids in the background is not really invested in her work, whereas those same people perceive that a man with kids in the background is just a great dad.
Penelope
I’ve been a Write At Home Mother for a while now and I don’t think it gets easier, your coping mechanisms just get better.
Certainly I don’t have Fox calling me, but I’ve learned to sometimes suggest an email interview if the source seems open to it or even gone so far as to find sources as far away as possible so that I can call in the early morning or late evening.
My son is five years old and he’s quite good with the ‘finger sign’ that says “stop talking, give me a minute” but my daughter, who is ten months isn’t that well trained. Fortunately I’m still nursing so I can do that while I talk and she’s usually quiet.
But honestly, if they do make a bit of noise or ask a question loudly. I just say “Excuse me for a minute,” and answer them, I haven’t had anyone react negatively. A few asked if I worked at home and when I said yes they were VERY supportive and said that they wish they could do the same.
Heather
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Thanks for pointing out how supportive people are, Heather. I, too, have found that people are very supportive. Although sometimes I wonder if they say supportive things but they unconsciously think, “She is not holding things together well.”
-Penelope
Flexing and multitasking are tough, but I think the phone thing is forever.
Not only, in my family’s experience, did my little kids make a beeline for me once they saw I was on the phone — they do it even now, and my daughter is 17, with a car, a credit card and her own phone stuck to her ear.
That’s also when I’ll get at least one cat walking on a keyboard.
And my 83-year-old mother, the kitchen designer, will be on the phone with a supplier before my 80-year-old father, the distributor’s rep, leaves for the office in the morning — and he’ll suddenly have an urgent comment on a job he’s theoretically helping her with or, worse, one she’s asked him to butt out of!
Apparently the sight of a woman on a phone is deeply upsetting to every living thing around her.
When my 6-month-old was a newborn I got busted big-time for nursing her while on an interview. I had my headset on and was typing away while my daughter was propped on the Boppy pillow. All of a sudden she let out a HUGE burp, and my source stopped in her tracks. “Was that a baby?!?” she asked. “Ummm, yeah, my sitter just had to leave,” I lied.
Another great and honest post. With regards to Wendy’s comment that it might be a male/female thing, I have to say that my own experience in that area rings true.
Back when my kids were younger (they are 5 and 3 now) I (a male Harvard Business School graduate) would bring them into the office with me on a daily basis. People were usually a bit surprised the first time that they found out, but were generally supportive. Of course, the fact that I made it clear that people either needed to accept my way of doing business or find someone else probably helped.
The thing is that I never felt like anyone was thinking, “Gee, he’s not really serious about the business” just because I was sitting in board meetings, bottle-feeding a baby. It seemed to me that my gender, as well as all my other “business” credentials led people to simply write it off as a colorful eccentricity, rather than a lack of devotion to the business. A woman in the same situation would not be as lucky. In fact, my marketing manager, a mother of three, ran into complaints on the few occasions when she brought her kids into the office.
I can’t say that the double standard had more to do with her gender than her relative rank within the company, but it sure seemed that way to me. Of course, for all I know, it’s simply my male obliviousness that allowed me to go through my parenting duties while ignoring the actual impression I was making!
I’m so sorry I didn’t see this earlier — my own freeance crises were imploding here, as well! ;) And damn Nataly for beating me to the punch for posting over at Work It, Mom!
In all seriousness, not that I have the same problems you do at this stage of the game, but things are slowly building and with summer vacation officially here for PunditGirl, I’m trying to figure out how to manage it all (I should be writing an article right now, but I’m taking a “break”). I promise, I’ll try not to use SpongeBob too much this summer.
This is what I love about your writing. It is so down to earth and real that everyone can relate. We have all been in a position like this (one in which you can laugh about later) but how we deal with it displays just how resourceful we can be when the world seems to be collapsing around us. These are the stories you don’t find anywhere else. This is real life – not something that only occurs in a textbook or in some ivory tower.
Your perspective is one of the many things that make you stand out Penelope. Nice job.
Stay home, be a full-time momma, most rewarding, you’ll have those memories forever, screw jobs and radio interviews.
Note: to self. While over the years of childrearing I sought refuge, ie. a quiet , discreet spot to speak on the phone with clients, key industry figures, collection agents( just kidding), doctors, therapists, etc., I never had a nice broom closet I could escape to. However, I did always have at least one stall shower in a bathroom with a doorlock and that saved me everytime. However, the drawback to this location is the echo which typifies such enclosures. Test it out for yourself by singing in the shower. Now that my kids are a whole lot older, I can more reliably schedule quiet time but it doesn’t always work out perfectly in which case, I excuse myself for an “emergency” incoming call and pray I can get back to the real call ASAP. Staples has an Easy button That gives me a great idea! Why shouldn’t parents with simultaneous work and childcare responsibilities have an equivalent escape mechanism that immediatelybails them out of a conflict without further explanations, apologies, excuses, embarrassment the consequences of juggling two roles at the same time?
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this article. As a new mom to a 3 1/2 month old girl, I am realizing how much I relate to your story. Just today, I had someone lined up to take care of her and they couldn’t and now I am working while she is napping and hoping she takes a REALLY LONG nap. Even though I have only been doing this for a while, I have to admitt I am so proud of being a working mom and being able to pull it off. Sometimes I wonder- am I really going to be able to do all of this but it happens. I am very lucky as I work with really supportive co-workers and boss and so far, my baby girl is a good sleeper.
My wife Kerry and I have been producing a weekly podcast about pregnancy and parenting for the past two years called Baby Time. And wouldn’t ya know: we are so tired by Sunday night (when we usually record the show) because our little guy has been running us ragged all week long. :) So we usually end up capturing this experience – warts and all – on our show, and we’ve only rec’d one negative comment so far that we spend too much time talking about how tired we are. Heh.
I just discovered your blog and am preparing to dive in to the many posts I’ve missed so far. Best of luck with everything!
Good grief, people, you don’t win a Nobel Prize for raising kids. In many, many countries, women don’t have the option of becoming Stroller Mommies just because they’ve had children.
I’ve been a successful single dad, my son is an Eagle Scout and is entering an Ivy League school. When he was little, I insisted that he learn to behave and to entertain himself. We spent lots of time together and got along fine. We have a great relationship.
Kids are a blessing, not a burden. Some of you need to get over yourselves!
Been there. :) When the kids got older, we had to come up with silly rules like, “No interrupting Mommy or Daddy on the phone unless you are bleeding,” which of course, happened. :)
And why is it my teenagers can ignore me for a good four hours in a row, but if I’m 30 seconds into a call, they suddenly need me?
Seriously though, now that most of my kids are older, I sometimes get important calls from other parents who apologize for the noise in the background. I smile and tell them I more than understand. :)
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Thanks for the comment, Andrea. It’s nice to hear from someone who’s been through it.
And, it seems like a good time to mention that people have been universally so nice (at least to my face) about my kids interrupting, or completely destroying, a phone call.
Penelope
Hi Penelope,
I’m sorry I didn’t see this blog earlier, but I would be more than happy to help out as a back up sitter (if the time works out). Especially when you have that kind of situation! Also,if you were to consider a child care or preschool option as one of the bloggers had mentioned, I work at a really great school on the east side. Just thought I would throw that option out there, as I’m sure you need local support just as much as you have with blogger support :)
This was a GREAT post! As a fellow author, I have had to use the TV to babysit my kids so I could talk to reporters. On one hand you want to say everything right, on the other you are praying that the kids aren’t hanging from the ceiling fans. Maybe that’s just me.
So far my solution has been crossing my fingers and bribery – others may not like it, but it works!
Alana
Author of Domestically Challenged
WOW!!! I’m not alone!!! I needed a few laughs born out of comraderie this morning. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR STORIES!
I work for a very large corporation as a financial analyst. I have worked at home for 8 years. I have 2 daughters – 7 and 15.
My job is job that pays the bills. My job is NOT aligned with my skill set – therefore I have to work VERY hard to be average. Throw in a few kids, many of the above mentioned scenario’s and you can imagine the disaster.
I am constantly fantisizing about being a stay-at-home mom – without the job. Although, at this point I think it’s just a cop-out resulting from a bruised self esteem. It sucks being a failure at work. My manager(s)and peers are either childless or have a wife. Therefor – I appear to have “personal problems” uuuggggg!!!
Enough of that!!! I’m CRYING!!!! Writing that hurt more than thinking/feeling it.
This is my semi-daily life as well. I’m an Instructional Designer for a large mobile telecom company, but I run a somewhat successful MMA blog on the side – along with 4 other websites and photography for two separate small businesses. This article made me chuckle considering I too have a two year old and a family friend who babysits for us during the week so I can actually go into the office and do real work. When working at home with no babysitter, I’m ready to pull out my hair!
This is the age of transparency; tell the person you’re talking to that you’re working from home and they might hear your kids in the background. If they object, they’re not the kind of clients you want. Fire them.
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