Self-sabotage is never limited to just one part of your life
At the start of our road trip to his cousin’s wedding in Illinois, the farmer says, “I have a present for you.”
He pulls out a book that is wrapped in the paper that wrapped the last present I got him: Lolita. Which he reads every time he sleeps over at my house. I knew that he would be too embarrassed to buy it himself because he is still unsure whether it is literature or porn.
He is a good gift giver. It is a romance novel: The Rancher and the Rich Girl, by Heather MacAllister.
“I found it at the library,” he says. “The story is exactly like our story.”
It’s true. The rancher does not want to be romantically involved with the woman, but he is great with her kid, and she wants to use her money to make the rancher do what she wants. Even the riding around the farm together, with her holding him too closely.
I like her immediately, and I start skimming the book, but then I am frustrated: “Where’s the sex?”
“Page 165.”
I read it to the farmer while he drives. Then I read our future aloud, ” ‘Matt was looking around his kitchen at the new refrigerator, dishwasher, and stove.’ ”
The farmer is quiet. It is serious business when I start talking about remodeling his kitchen. Which I talk about all the time.
We drive for a while without talking. Then we stop off at the hotel to change. We are running late, but there is enough time for me to give him the sort of kiss that lets him know that I will try not to say things that bug him. I will try just to have a fun night. He seems happy. Like there’s hope for the evening.
At the service, guests look more like city people than I expected, and I get sort of upset that I let the farmer choose my dress because it’s a little bit too prim for the crowd. But then I realize that the spaghetti strap dresses are not on the farmer’s side of the wedding. The first guy to start a conversation with the farmer is his uncle: “Did you start harvest?”
“No.”
“Everything’s late. Illinois is, too.”
Harvest is a waiting game. All the farmers wait around to see who will cut the corn first. You want to wait long enough so that you don’t have to spend money drying the corn with expensive propane. But you don’t want to wait so long that the stalks start to keel over. This reminds me of working with venture capitalists. They want to invest, but they want to wait until we are almost out of money. And they can’t stop talking about it. The venture capitalists and the farmers would love each other, if they could just agree on a place to meet.
The farmer’s family gathers on the side, and each person asks me where I’m from. I am feeling so good about the farmer that I say Madison. Usually, saying I’m from Madison gives me a rash. Not a visible one, but maybe like a brain rash or something. So usually I say I’m from New York City.
(Side note: This is a good lesson in resume writing here, really. Because this is not a lie but not the first truth that comes to mind, but I always feel like it makes me look good, which is how you should look at a resume.
The farmer, by the way, thinks that it’s a lie. He thinks I should say I’m from Wilmette. Which is the town I grew up in and haven’t lived in in 25 years, and the last time I was there I wasn’t even living in a house but in a mental ward because I was so insanely bulimic. But he still thinks Wilmette is the right answer.
I ignore that. I am the resume expert, after all.)
There is an hour between the ceremony and the reception. We drive around. And walk in parking lots. It is largely romantic because we are both dressed up and we look cute together, even though he picked both our outfits. He actually has a knack for fashion and I wonder where he could possibly get it.
After a while of walking around, we can usually get to friction. Frequently we torture each other about religion. He asks me if Anne Frank died. “I can’t remember,” he says. I tell him that Baroque church art shows St. Teresa having an orgasm. I say, “I think God went down on her.” (That is an example where he is not intentionally annoying me, but I am intentionally annoying him. If we break up, and readers want to blame me for the whole thing, they can refer back to this moment.)
At the reception, the farmer’s extended family is fun. They talk about cities like Peru and Sandwich like everyone knows where they are, and I ask the stuff I’ve been dying to ask but have never had the proper audience. For example, I ask a cousin if the farmer’s sisters hate him: “Why don’t they ever visit?” I ask. The family hates conflict, and my friction-frought conversation gets me nowhere. Well, I do get more blog readers. Because the natural response to someone thinking I’m a lunatic is, “How did you two meet?”
The night in the hotel room is fun, once I stop feeling like I’m at work, since half my work life is spent at hotels. We start to have sex but then he checks his calendar. He keeps track of my cycle in the same spot he keeps track of the cycles for the pigs. And I’m ovulating.
I roll over to his side of the bed and open my mouth to talk about condoms, but all that comes out is, “I think I’m going to die from the stress of funding my company.”
Were you thinking that maybe I am fun to date? Surely this has changed your mind.
I give him back his underwear while I look for mine at the end of the bed. I can usually stay confident about getting funding and keeping the company on track, but now, not checking my Blackberry for ten hours (well, sort of not checking) has left an empty spot in my brain where doubt seeped in. “I am doubting,” I say.
The farmer is surprisingly supportive. He is not the supportive type. I could write about my take on the origin of this deficit, but I’m sure his family reads the blog. So let me just say that he really came through, and then, when I had my guard down, he said, “Why didn’t you get funding when you were not so close to running out?”
This is, of course, a logical question from a man who runs a small business with the cash flow equivalent of a prep-school student on spring break. The farmer is good with money. He could make his farm work on any amount of money.
And this is my problem in life, I think. I have something good. Like a company that is on fire, or a relationship that is on fire, and I do something to mess it up. Not really really mess it up. But mess it up just a little. Like, maybe something is wrong with me that I can’t have things just going well.
But we end up having a truly romantic night where I am even being vulnerable—difficult for me—and the farmer is making me feel like I can conquer the world. Or at least fund our next payroll.
And then, on the drive home, I'm spoiling it again. He is holding my hand and I tell the farmer that the woman in the book got a horse. I remind the farmer that I want a horse. She got it for her son. And my son wants a horse.
The farmer does not like horses. But now he says, “Okay, maybe.”
And I say, “Great. How much is it?”
He says, “Don’t ask me about the horse while I’m driving.”
I know this isn't going over well. So I switch to one of my favorite negotiating tactics: Silence. Sometimes if you are silent the other person will say something that gives you another opening for getting what you want.
Instead, in the silence, I think about how maybe I should just drop it. Maybe I should practice now, seeing that I have a chance to have a nice drive home with a nice guy. I should take that and not mess it up. And then maybe, if I practice this for a while, then when investors tell me again that I have a great company that is totally fundable, I won’t screw that up either.
I miss the career stuff. This is nice and all, but it’s a different direction than what the site used to be. Writers evolve, and that’s great, but if you’re coming here for career advice, there isn’t much of it anymore, sorry to say.
This was a great post. I think you hit the nail on the head. Those people who think this doesn’t apply to their work life need to reread it again.
When things are going too well…
Thanks for the great post!
I like the fact that you write about any subject and direction your life is taking at a given moment.
I know very little about anything, but I am certain that it would be easier for you just to continue blogging about careers- but you have evidently chosen to share other facets of your marriage, family, dating, etc.
It amazes me that people want you to stay on one topic.
Keep up the good work. And a piece of advice- never trust a farmer when it comes to money.
And more unasked for advice- the two happiest days of your life will be 1) when you buy the horse and 2) when you sell the horse.
I loved this post for the same reason I keep coming back to your blog – in your writing you manage to move from the general to the specific and back again while remain human, apt, and insightful.
So – put me firmly in the “keep it up!” column (though I suspect you don’t need much encouragement in that direction).
If this blog is about “advice at the intersection of work and life” then I think this post is just fine. It is a pity if people think that career advice does not involve life advice and vice versa.
I like that the farmer is getting you to try silence , Penelope. I think you are too much of a “head” person. You “think” your life too much. If you kept quiet more you could probably get in touch with your heart and gut. You are always trying to outsmart yourself and your readers with your talk. If you balance that a little more with your feelings it might be good for your life and your company …. but then you would not have such fun and controversial stuff on your blog :).
All in all, I am liking the effect the farmer is having on your life :)
Sometimes self-doubt is just our way of trying to be realistic. We want to be open to all possibilites and be prepared for the worst.
That’s what we tell ourselves anyway. It is all so addictive.
Hurrah, another farmer post! (sorry, it’s just such a great story, and you’re such a great teller of it.)
Here’s what I’d like to read: a book about your life, with a chapter for each story followed by a chapter about usefully applying the lessons learned, to your career (or life, or both, as obviously sometimes they work the same, sometimes not).
Half advice/ideas book, half gripping and extraordinary memoir.
& hope all goes well with the business in these tricky times.
I’m good at self-sabotage. I’m trying really hard not to be. Everything in your life is connected, but it’s like a see-saw, and it’s hard to have it all on the up at once, let alone with any sort of balance. Anyway, thanks for writing this. Really good.
I really love this blog. I visit it whenever I am supposed to be working but my brain is fried. It is refreshingly honest and a joy to read.
That is why it is so hard for me to tell you this.
He’s not the guy for you. If you can’t be yourself with him – your neurotic, flawed self – then he’s not for you.
It is normal to feel awkward and uncomfortable at times when building a relationship. But, I just think that what you’re experiencing is a series of very strong signs that the two of you are not compatible. Convenience and availability do not make a strong relationship.
Often times, women try to make thing work that were never meant to work. Careers, relationships with men, fad diets…then they spend a bunch of time trying to figure out what flaw in their character made it all go wrong. Nothing about what you said to him in your conversation struck me as bad. They were just bad for him, because he’s not for you.
People will probably disagree with me, but I have a lot of experience helping married couples.
Sorry. I really do wish you the best.
* * * * * * *
Eve, thank you for your comment. And of course, you do not need to apologize before you disagree with me. I am so happy that people care enough about my posts to comment. On each post, it is always a relief to get comments. And I always grow in some way from reading the comments section. I wouldn’t learn nearly as much about the world (and myself!) if people always agreed with me.
-Penelope
PT, if you get that horse you will see that gentle urging is the order of the day–for horses and for relationships.
You are a quick wit–quick to jump, quick to see and advantage and grab for it. But silence and waiting and gentle urging have their place, too.
Be your quick-witted self, but cultivate this other side, too.
CAK
Woohoo a farmer story.
Yes, as Eve said he probably isn’t Mister Right but who cares. He’s obviously making you look at things different and try new things in your life. Life is about the journey.
This is a great self-discovery (self management) post. You are consistent, if nothing else, since this is exactly what you said a big part of blogging is all about in your last post on the BC site. I didn’t comment on that post but here is one thought I had while reading that post – you have the distinct advantage of self discovery through your blog by re-reading your old posts and reader’s comments (old and new) to give you perspective on how your thoughts (well maybe just some thoughts – :) ) and your life has changed over time. A time to reflect if you choose to do so over a wide range of topics in your life.
As for “The farmer’s family gathers on the side, and each person asks me where I’m from.” cracks me up – the womb, of course! This is such a loaded question because you know you’re being typed here but that’s life.
“The farmer is good with money. He could make his farm work on any amount of money.” I don’t doubt it for one second as they are one of the most resourceful bunch I know. My point here is you can draw parallels to your own line of work but there are just as many apples and oranges (so to speak) comparisons.
As for the horse, one of my nieces (high school freshman) is so into horses she has asked her parents to buy her one. What does she want to be when she ‘grows up’? – a horse trainer!
Good luck to you, your company, and the farmer.
Not to sound like your big brother here, but it seems like this post would be very painful for your ex-husband to read. Plus, if I’m a VC, a banker, or an angel investor, I might wonder whether you will kiss and tell about our relationship, too.
Investors are often unnerved by impropriety — even if one has made that part of one’s business.
Your fan,
Harry
* * * * * *
Thank you for your concern, Harrry. I actually mention the investors on Twitter pretty regularly. And, you’ll be happy to know, I think, that I blogged about our angel investor, and he still funded the seed round :)
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/03/14/secrets-of-an-obsesssive-note-taker-gone-bad/
Penelope
Okay, okay. I’m just saying …
I attended a woman’s day event at the Oklahoma Capitol some months ago. One of the featured speakers – maybe Congressman Mary Fallin – or maybe someone else – can’t exactyl remember – said that women fear success in their careers – so they more or less sabotage them. (Or they feel undeserving of success.) The same seems to hold true for these same women in love. I continue to admire your ability to tell the truth. Your blog is the Dooce equivalent.
“Your blog is the Dooce equivalent.” Okay, good point. Never thought of that. I’ll shut up.
I love love love this post. And I completely agree that self sabotage is never limited. And I disagree with Eve. In fact, I actually think that you choosing not to be your obsessive neurotic self around him may mean that you are indeed compatible…
People have many sides. You don’t have to fall in love with all of them, you just have to stay in love with the ones that matter to the relationship.
Man…I love her blog for the career advice….now I am kinda drifting away , what with these posts that really make little sense to me…I mean , good for PT, she’s on a good path but pls pls : get the career stuff back !!!!
I enjoyed this post. And I disagree with Eve that he is not the right guy for you. I have no idea whether he is or isn’t, but I think there is a difference between being your best self and suppressing your true self. Clearly, if you can’t be yourself around him, then he’s not the right guy for you. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with self reflection and giving a little thought to what you say and do. As long as you maintain your integrity and remain true to your values, there is nothing wrong with giving a little and trying to make another person happy needn’t preclude your own happiness.
Caitlin says “As long as you maintain your integrity and remain true to your values, there is nothing wrong with giving a little and trying to make another person happy . . .”
I am learning A LOT from Barach Obama, who graciously takes all the attacks and doesn’t strike back. He LISTENS attentively to the criticism (he looks McCain right in the face, while he’s criticizing) and seems to consider that he might be wrong, or at least he seems to consider how he is coming across, since we all know that perception is all . . .). Likewise, in a relationship, giving and taking and compromise. I think you have to keep in mind that you want everybody to win–not just a win for yourself.
CAK
Truly how does one not self sabotage? I think I do this quite a bit.
To herenow:
Here is how I see it. Life is a dance. You approach and back away, reach out and avoid, going back and forth as if trying something out, to see if it is what it appears to be, and if you want “it”. In this way, you seem indecisive, and as if you are sabotaging your own best interests.
But really, we are not sure. None of us is certain. It is largely guesswork . . . and so this is how guesswork looks . . . like sabotage.
CAK
This sabotage discussion is so appropriate – and common – to womens’ experience in self-growth, career and relationship.
As for your relationship with the farmer, I don’t agree that he’s not for you because you might have to change. In fact, this might be the opportunity to really look at behaviors that might be sabotaging you. I think if you were changing something integral to who you are there might be an issue. But there is always room for evaluating how we act and feel, and the source of those actions and feelings.
And I’m sure the farmer is doing the same. That’s what makes a great relationship.
On a side note, I just read an article in Legal Assistant Today and noticed you quoted quite a bit on intergenerational discussions. Congrats!
Lane
Not to slight you Penelope, but the comments on this particular post are as good as the post itself, maybe even better. I love the way commenters see both what is written and what is unwritten – your relationship with the farmer as an allegory for business relationships and how women can sabotage both their personal and professional lives in the very same way. Your transparency is both exhilarating and scary. Bravo!
Why do we women always want to change the men in our lives? Why do we push them into things they don’t want to do and don’t like?
If I learned anything from the disaster that was my marriage, and the ensuing divorce, it is that pushing change on others and suppressing your true self are counterproductive to a healthy relationship.
You want to remodel this guy’s kitchen; he’s uncomfortable with it, yet you continue to push the idea. IMO, you’ve stated your ideas, now shut up and leave it alone. It’s still his house, and until a remodel is HIS idea, you’re only sabotaging the relationship by continuing to bring it up. If it really bothers you THAT bad, then maybe he’s not the right guy for you.
Your kid wants a horse. The Farmer doesn’t like horses. Yet you want to keep pushing this idea of him boarding your horse for you. At least you had the decency to drop the subject when he asked you to. I’ll give you credit there. But if he doesn’t like horses, cajoling him into boarding your horse (even if you pay for the critter and pay for its upkeep) is just making him do something he doesn’t really want to do. You’ve broached the subject; now leave it alone and wait for him to decide.
If you were actually married to the farmer, my advice might be different. But you aren’t, and trying to talk him into stuff that makes him uncomfortable is not right.
Trying to change someone you like into someone you like more is a bad idea. So is making yourself someone different for the sake of someone you like. I’m not talking superficials here. But deep down. You are a talker. He’s not. You are fast-paced and impulsive; he’s more deliberative and prudent. In general, this degree of opposite-ness does not indicate a good match. Now, maybe you two can make it work. Maybe. It didn’t work for me. And I and my kids suffered dreadfully because of it.
And one does have to wonder why you are always itching for a fight. Why provoke his family? Why needle him? Can’t you play nicely in the sandbox?
Consider leasing time on someone else’s horse at another location to get an idea of what horse life is all about. Loved this post.
I checked back after not reading your work for a while – other than your twitter feed. Mostly due to the fact that I wasn’t in the mood for “career advice” at the moment.
This post reminded me of you very early work – before 9/11 – and I loved it.
There is wisdom in your silence that was worth sharing.
Your level of self-awareness and tolerance is astonishing. My faith in humanity (well, okay myself then) is refreshed and invigorated by your story. Why do we want to pull the thread that might unravel the fabric?
Hmmm, this wasn’t meant to sound so sycophantic but your work rocks.
Ciao.
Bravo to all that have written in….I agreed with Eve @ least at first, but then I read Rachel’s and yes, in life, “the journey is the reward” – so go for it. I had a great summer, met alot of fun ladies and learned a lot…!…(for me it was a great chapter in my journey)…As to getting married, just remember, ladies marry men because they think the man will change and he never does, men marry ladies because they think the lady will never change and she does…
My blessed mother used to say that “marriage begins when you sink in his arms, and ends with your arms in his sink.”
This is the first time I have read your blog. All I can reflect on is this story and how it relates to me.
As far as personal relationships, I am going to disagree with the previous post telling you this isn’t the guy for you. I can speak from experience. My husband and I dated for 10 years and we have been married for 9 years- that’s 19 years together. Reading your post about you and your relationship to the farmer reminds me so much of me and my husband.
I am a spontaneous, stubborn, neurotic woman. My husband is even-keeled, good with money (which drives me crazy), practical and sensible. We are opposites. Yes, sometimes I wonder if he’s the right guy for me even after all these years. What I can tell you is that I have learned a lot from him, like how to be quiet instead of pushing an issue and spoiling the moment.
Honestly, it sounds less like self-sabotage, and more like both of you view a relationship as a negotiation. He withholds sex based on his own mathematical calculations, you want to redo his kitchen because, why?
I don’t know what your relationship is really like though – no one does. It just sounds like whatever sabotage may be going on is definitely a two-partner operation. You going to work on whatever you’d like to change is not really any different, in terms of not respecting boundaries, than his telling you that you should be someone who doesn’t bother him about his kitchen.
There’s a difference between, “I don’t want to talk about this, please respect that.” And, “What is wrong with you for trying to talk about this?” I hear the second in his tone, somehow.
Like I said though, I’m not there. I just don’t think you should necessarily consider yourself at fault somehow. Even if you were the only one out of line on a regular basis (not supported by this article) he’s still the person who chooses to spend time with you.
After reading Liz’ take on all this, I went back to re-read YOUR take, PT.
I hiccoughed when I read the line (as if for the first time) about the farmer in the book, who didn’t want to be romantically involved with the woman, but he got on well with her son . . . big hiccough there.
Then I re-read that the farmer is not the supportive type . . . Then I noticed you giving him credit for good taste, for choosing nice gifts, for holding your hand. Perhaps you are also appreciative that he keeps tracks of your ovulation (seeing this as responsible)–this one isn’t that clear. Liz sees it as withholding sex.
Only you can answer that one, PT.
Creeping closer to the heart of the matter, you say that you stir things up, that your conversations are friction-fraught . . . That you cannot leave a nice time quiet and serene–that you are always asking for more (a horse).
I know lots of people who like to be stimulated all the time. I work in critical care, and if we have a quiet shift, those people get restless, and then fall asleep. They want ACTION! I know other people who thrive on chaos. Is this what you are saying, PT? That you are one of those?
Even if you are, it doesn’t have to spoil a relationship. You both just have to understand it and go with it (or not).
CAK
Whoa! He knew you were ovulating and you didn’t?
What’s wrong with this picture?
You’re lucky you fell in with a good man. A lot of guys would have gone ahead regardless.
Being bored is the thing that people hate most… we do things to avoid bordom even if it means harming ourselves and our careers, or electing inferior but entertaining presidents.
My2centsworth
Through this entire post, the thing that stuck out for me is that you started having sex sans condom.
Really? STDs, pregnancy … I’m guessing you both have clean bills of health and the doctor’s paperwork (test results) to prove it?
Be safe.
Oh man, I could read you over breakfast all night long.
Just to clarify, I’m not saying that withholding sex because of fears of pregnancy is, in itself, controlling behavior.
I guess I’m saying that waiting until you’re both in your underwear before you let your partner know that you won’t be having sex now because you’ve done the math and she hasn’t… well, it sounds uncomfortable. There has to be a nicer way to have that conversation. We don’t have the whole story, but it sounds like he may have pulled the rug out from under his partner, while using reasons that no one can argue. Who’s going to say, “No, I want an unplanned pregnancy…” Even if she did try to argue, it would just give him an excuse to criticize her even more for being irresponsible.
I’m going to have to agree with Rebecca. You two are a train wreck waiting to happen. I think the farmer is a great guy and you’re a great woman, just totally completely wrong for each other.
You want to change him (new kitchen), he resists. He irritates you with his primness and cheap behavior, even now (while the sex is still good) just wait!
Your city-style neuroses are going to drive him into stony cold craziness and you won’t even know where he disappeared to.
Penelope, you need to figure out what it is about you that self-destructs (hint: it’s your subconscious screaming “GET OUT FOOL”) before you take on a serious relationship or you just going to repeat bad marriage #1.
Sorry to be so harsh…
I can hear Penelope shouting at the top of her mind, “GO AWAY CLOSER!”
I have to agree with post #1. I have been reading Penelope forever, started when she was on Bankrate, but this post pretty much does it for me. I found it way too personal. While admit that the current culture trend is for nothing to be personal anymore I really fail to see how this should be filed under ‘Career’ other than Penelope’s life is her career and that somehow makes me sad.
The phrase ‘reality is stranger than fiction’ sums it up for me and the word sensationalism comes to mind.
So long Penelope, I wish you the best.
You need to get some help, some time off, a deep breath. Awhile back met some folks from your kids’ school, and several said they were holding their breath waiting for the last explosion that gets you the heck away from their community. You scare them; always on the ragged edge of losing it, so condecendingly and repeatedly making sure to remind them that you are not like them, you are not truly a Madison area mom. You don’t seem to see how you are in the world; have no true-ish mirror. That’s not generational, it’s manic disassociation.
To Random:
Are you talking troll-talk?
CAK
Nope Chris,
I’m just an older broken-down partly disabled ex-paratrooper who made the transition from airborne infantry to high tech executive in the 38 years since I went to boot camp after being drafted and then sent to Vietnam.
Penelope had been interesting at one time. I had been asking her for her thoughts and ideas on helping those of us with Asperger Syndrome adjust to dealing with people in the workplace and making the most of our skills and inclinations. Sadly, it appears that this will never happen.
There is a difference between being vulnerable and sabotaging the relationship. Sex is an opportunity for an orgasm; sharing vulnerable feelings is an opportunity for intimacy – which do you want.
How about mini-horses? I hear farmers call them “goddamn hay burners.”
I like your blog
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It gives you information on how to apply and adapt your surroundings and how to become more creative. I am KVA. I am Highly sequential…..I really liked this assessment.
I learned that self-sabotage is from having a feeling of guilt, of having a sense of doing something immoral and then punishing one’s self. Women feel more guilty than men. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/01/100125123305.htm
Not sure how this fits in. There is actually a name for it, survivor guilt.
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