A case study in staying resilient: My divorce
My husband and I are getting a divorce. It’s really hard to write this for a lot of reasons, but the one that comes to mind this moment is that it’s so crappy to be in the middle of a divorce when I make a living telling people how to run their lives.
Fortunately I also make a living scouring the world for good research. And, while I have spent forever telling you that relationships make us happier than money, I am really pleased to find some research that says that for some people marriage is like a raise in pay, and it only makes us happy for a couple of years, and then we go back to our baseline of happiness.
This is not true for the kids, of course. There is extremely persuasive research that no one likes to hear, that says that kids do not notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage. In this seminal study, Judith Wallerstein tracked a large sample of children of divorce for 25 years. And she found that unless there is violence in the home, kids suffer more from parents getting a divorce than staying in a bad marriage. This research is what has kept me in my marriage. But now I am learning that marriage is a little like fertility in that I cannot control everything.
So really, I guess I have to say that you shouldn’t take my advice about marriage, because I failed. But then I think, hold it, I have failed at least once in just about everything I have tried, and I think that’s what makes my advice work. How do you know what you’re doing wrong if you are not failing? How do you ever learn your limits?
Here’s the process I go through to tell myself that I’ll be okay after this divorce: I think about when I used to practice volleyball. If you spent the day practicing a shot you knew how to do, what was the point of practicing that day? Where was the learning curve? Where was the growth?
I think that one reason people listen to me about choosing a career is because I chose so badly, so many times. And bounced back. And I think that one reason that Wired just asked me to write a column on how to start a business is because I have started one and seen it go under. And then done another.
We should all know that success is as much about resiliency as it is about luck and skill. And at this point, I think it’s safe to say that while I have luck and skill, I am most gifted in the resiliency department.
So maybe getting a divorce will make for better advice. Or more humility. Which I’m sure are related, by the way.
There’s a study I read in the New York Times about how the people who are most happy with life are people who can create complicated scenarios to explain why a given situation is not so bad. That is me, right now.
To be honest, I’ve had a lot of time to perform those mental gymnastics since I’ve known for a while about the divorce. I waited to tell you because I didn’t want to blog about it when I was crying. Everyone has their limits, even me. And besides, I’ve been raising a round of funding for my company, and what a terrible post to have up on a day when investors are reading my blog.
Anyway, during the time between crying and deciding that I’m the queen of resiliency, I stumbled across this information about my Myers Briggs type: ENTJ. There are sixteen personality types. ENTJs make up 4% of the general population and 80% of the population of executives.
Here’s the news about ENTJs in a marriage:
“Gender issues are especially significant for ENTJ females. As a type, their arrogant, confrontational manner and need for control can appear to be quite ‘unwomanly’ to others. Of course, the problem intensifies for the ENTJ female when dealing with men. Their demanding, objective, competent, and independent nature is not particularly endearing to most men.”
But, being the optimist I am, I kept looking and found this:
“These qualities may obscure the fact that ENTJ females can be quite nurturing and caring. For them, femininity is not defined by traditional roles. It is reflected in the total involvement and commitment they bring to each moment of life.”
Here’s what I’ve been doing while I’ve been not blogging about the divorce: I’ve been thinking about dating. It’s my nature—being an ENTJ means planning the future. I’m very future oriented. And I can’t help wondering where the female ENTJs are in the marriage world. How those marriages work out. Right now, I can’t even imagine how an ENTJ date would work out.
But I’m starting to remember that all the skills I’ve learned in my career will be useful to my personal life right now: don’t focus on shortcomings and play to your strengths instead; be kind and caring to the people around you to improve any situation, and most of all—setbacks don’t matter as much as bouncing back.
Penelope,
I am very sorry to hear about your divorce. Nobody ever enters a marriage with the intent to get a divorce. But, I know that marriage is a challenge, and sometimes divorce occurs.
As a man, when I got married, I wanted to give my marriage the best chance to succeed. That is exactly why I wrote the book Developing a Million-Dollar Relationship: A Man’s Strategy to a Real Relationship.
I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and that you may find healing and resiliency.
Penelope –
As with everyone, sorry for you, but I am sorry for the loss of what you dreamed would be The One relationship which would satisfy your every longing and which you would help satisfy another person’s dreams. In life you don’t need another person to believe you are complete. I believe we were created for community, in whatever way we define it.
You know, as well as I do, you did not fail, you succeeded, just not in the manner you hoped for. Failure would have been never trying, you tried and ultimately you are a better person because of your willingness to reflect upon your life’s journey.
I hope and pray you find healing for you and the entire family.
Michael
Very sorry to hear this P. Make sure to take time for yourself during this transition.
Matt
I am very sorry about your pending divorce. I find myself always inline with your ideas but I don’t believe divorce is something we should take it lightly. It is not changing a job or come up w/ vision or business ideas that we should always be on a look out for. Our relationship is the most important foundation for our stable mind, health, happiness so we have the energy to dream the dreams. A healthy relationship keeps us functional. Unless a relationship is totally hopeless, I do not think divorce should be an option. I believe I can improve even the most mundane, dead-end job if I put my energy to but usually I won’t because it is just a job. I believe I can improve any relationship if I want to. However, I regard a marriage commitment is something I will work hard for w/ my spouse and I won’t give it up easily. Would u consider a period of separation, calm down before u both make up the mind. I have no doubt you both work hard on this but I am asking if this is final, really no way to make it work?
I am very sorry to hear about your divorce. Speaking from experience, it is not an easy thing to go through. I tell people my divorce was the worst thing and best thing that ever happened to me. You will be stronger for this experience. Focus on yourself and your kids. Everything else will fall into place. Thank you for sharing your experiences because it makes you realize we are all in this rat race together!
Penelope,
I’m a new reader to your blog and just wanted to take a moment to wish you the best of luck. You are a very bright and resilient woman and I’ve no doubt another door will open for you now that this one has closed.
Percy Wong, you sound like my dad. Take it to the bank: once someone is where Penelope is, there’s little chance of turning back. And that type of question just makes the load heavier. Few people want a divorce, and sometimes it takes a strong person to do the right thing even when it’s not what you would prefer.
Sorry to hear about your divorce, but hopefully you’ll spend a lot of time reflecting on how your life got to where it is. Resiliency in the face of failure is great, but repeated failure are a sign you’ve got to change (How long has each of your career choices lasted? How well have your big plans worked out for you like moving to WI?).
When I got laid off from a job I really liked back in 2001, I spent a lot of time railing against the company, but eventually came to the realization that it was part circumstance, and part my behavior that put me in the position. Learning what my part is in the failure was really important for me.
You’re really good at self-disclosure, but I haven’t seen you really turn a harsh spotlight on any of your choices to help you figure out how you keep ending up failing. Failure to think through things like the examples others have given (what about the effect of your name change on your kid/husband, etc.)
Sorry – meant to finish that last sentes with “failure to think through things like the examples others have given will likely keep you making the same mistakes”
Penelope,
It is hard to believe that someone able to express themselves so eloquently could ever come into conflict. But conflict is part of human nature and divorce is an expression of that conflict. I’ve read many of your posts, and you have the strength and personality and know-how to make lemonade out of them there lemons.
I visited Madison when my brother was going to school there. It is a lovely place. A good friend also relocated to the Madison area. He has a better, higher paying job, and a lower cost of living than Massachusetts. Some have the ability to adapt, and others keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result.
Most people will never admit to failure, believing it a reflection on themselves or their abilities. You acknowledge failure as a part of the learning and growing process. That’s a great message to all of us.
jim, For your information, I live near Madison and Penelope is everywhere. Articles in Madison Magazine, a regular column in the Wisconsin State Journal, frequent speaking appearances. Not to mention appearing on CNN. We should all be such a failure.
Penelope, sorry to hear about your divorce. Best wishes.
First of all, I want to say I’m incredibly sorry to hear that you and your husband weren’t able to work things out. I’ve watched my parents divorce, then my mom and step-dad divorce, and I know it’s ugly. But I am shocked at and disagree with the research that says kids don’t know their parents are in an unhappy marriage and that kids suffer more from divorce than parents staying in a bad marriage. That is just insane. I grew up with a friend whose parents were in a horrible, unloving marriage. When my parents divorced in late elementary school, I was devastated, but she told me in middle school, “I know you’re sad, but you should feel lucky that your parents got a divorce when they needed one. My parents need a divorce, and everyone would be better off if they’d do that instead of stay together.” Ever since then, I’ve realized that most kids are better off with two separate, content parents than a miserable, and often violent couple under one roof. In fifth grade, my parents’ fighting got so bad. I would hear them screaming at each other every night, and I’d run into their room and yell in vain for them to stop. As things got worse, my mom started coming into my room at night crying, and would sleep in my bed with me. Do you really think that was not affecting me and that I didn’t notice my parents weren’t happy? Do you really think a divorce would have been more traumatic? No. Their marriage at the end was traumatic for me and I’ll never forget how awful it was. I had two younger siblings who fortunately don’t remember it, but those bad memories will always be with me. Much to my parents’ credit, they went to marriage counseling for a long time, but they should have divorced earlier. Them divorcing was painful and upsetting, but had they stayed together, I don’t even want to imagine how bad things would have gotten. So, apologies for what you’re going through, but please consider this side of the argument.
Having lived through a divorce and gotten remarried, the thing to remember is that YOU haven’t failed now, but your union failed for whatever reason…Don’t blame yourself or see it as a failure. A marriage exists as an entity separate from the two people, as much as it is about the two people…Who knows if that makes sense….But don’t see it as a personal failure….
Hey Penelope,
You’re going to need a lot of support. It’s the pits to say goodbye to someone who you loved once. Just remember that you will still remain in each others’ lives because of your kids.
Watch out for denial while you applaud yourself over being resilient. I myself went through the whole 9 yards and am the kind who always says, “Tough, now get over it!” Give yourself the chance to be nice to yourself too.
If I can offer support, please give me the chance to. You may be the new kid on the block on this one but I’ve been here for a while now. Chin up kid!
Good luck with this next life transition. I have no doubt you will land on your feet, brush yourself off and head towards the next challenges.
Penelope (Adrienne?) –
As a fellow Brandeis alum (albeit a bit older – I’m Class of ’81) I have always enjoyed your colums (and loved your book!). I always pride myself on being resilient. Born in the Caribbean, studied in the U.S., worked in the family business, took over, watched it grow, stumble and fail. Got married, got divorced. Moved to the U.S. to start completely over at age 38, I always knew that I would bounce back. You will too. I always say: what I’ve done in life is what truly has made life exciting for me. How would I have known if I had not tried it. This is going to be the most difficult time in your life, but I can tell you (married now and with two little kids who are everything to me): the best is yet to come!!!
I am very sorry to hear this Penelope. It must be terrible. But I am sure very soon life will shine again for you.
A big hug,
Luca
I was trying to think of ways I might have changed if my parents had stayed together and I don’t know if I would prefer that person over the one I am today. I know that one person doesn’t go against a multi-variate study but if that one person is your kid, it doesn’t matter what the study says. My parents knew the odds but I don’t think they’d ever let me buy into a chance that I would fall into those pitfalls.
Anyway, good luck. You’ll need it.
Penelope,
I don’t know what your husband may have done to contribute to the ending of your marriage, but I must say, if you decide on another marriage in the future or even a long term relationship, please make sure that he knows he will always come second in your life. Do not allow him any false pretense whatsoever.
We, who read your blog, know that the foremost thing in your life is your ambitious career and your blogging. And for as long as you remain “future oriented” I’m sorry to tell you that you will never really be content in your life.
Damn girl, I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce.
I am really sorry to hear this, and even more sorry at the amount of grief you take from people who comment. I mean really. It’s ridiculous.
While you were not able to save your marriage, I wanted to let you know you helped me save mine. (well, maybe, the jury is still out). I sent my husband links to some of your marriage counseling posts and they struck a cord with him. It helped, and for that I thank you. Small consolation, I know. Were I in your shoes I’m not sure how much comfort I’d take from that. I’ve become a regular reading and am pulling for you. The positive people far outweigh the negative, remember that if it ever gets you down (though I think you’ve developed tough internet skin).
I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce. I’ve been reading your column for months and wish you and your family all the best during your transition to your new normal.
This too shall pass!
I’m so disappointed in you (and your husband as well if he also wants a divorce), Penelope.
So much good career (and life) advice…so much effort put into helping others…so much caring about what’s really important (and what’s not) in life…
…and yet; in the most important relationship we as humans can have during our short time on this earth (other than that w/God and his Son)–the one with our family; you choose to say “I give up” and “no more”…
Unless your husband is/was an adulterer, beating you (or otherwise putting you and/or your child in physical danger; and even still you should do no more than separate until you see if things can change), you have no justifiable grounds to divorce.
And to see you attempt to neatly wrap such a terrible thing up in another post as if it’s nothing more than another career posting is so, so very sad.
If and until you and your husband decide to do the right thing–for both of you; but especially for your young child–by sticking it out, I’m canceling my subscription to your newsletter.
Which part of “In good times and bad,” and “Until death do us part” didn’t you both understand when you made those sacred vows to each other and to God?
Please reconsider your decision…and be the all-too-rare shining example of a couple who said “NO!” to getting a divorce.
If we don’t have our families, nothing else matters.
Nothing.
It’s not too late to do the right thing…and no…this will not pass.
To hell with any funding.
Steve, clearly I can’t speak for Penelope, but I feel compelled to say that if hearing news of her divorce moves you to post what you did and makes you want to no longer receive her newsletter…buh bye, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Based on your post, if your husband is BEATING you or your child, you should ‘do no more than seperate until you see if things can change?!’ I’d love to know what you’re smoking, cause it’s gotta be something good.
you see, you should have never mocked christmas
What a day to post this, when you’re investors are looking. Make no mistake about it: this was intentional. Maybe there’s an investor who wants you sexually. Maybe you want to show your investors that you can be strong in the face of problems. Or maybe you want them to feel sorry for you, no?
I loved the subtle hint that you are now dating.
I haven’t read all the comments… I just want to extend the hand of sisterhood and say “hang in there.” I’ve been divorced twice and currently married to number 3, whom I’ve been thinking of divorcing for years. I am finally getting some personal growth out of the situation.
Don’t know where I read this, but “marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Could also be said about starting a company, I suppose.
Go J!
Posting about one’s personal life doesn’t make it any less one’s own business and property. And being free to comment also means being liable to be judged for your comments. Does Steve have a newsletter I can unsubscribe from?
Steve,
Are you referring to the same Son of God that euthanized lepers, beat the children, ostracized women of questionable employment and got drunk with the civil and religious leaders?
Oh wait…
Seriously though, the Pharisees called: there is another stoning next week and they could really use your arm – and could you bring bigger rocks this time? (they asked nicely)
Oh geez, that sucks. I’ve observed numerous families in divorce and have concluded if there is any way to salvage a shred of hope and stick it out it’s always better than the alternative. But even love birds don’t stay together. So, either way I hope it all goes well for you!
Penelope, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I wish you the best of luck and admire your courage for using this experience to try and help others. Great work.
I’m really sorry, but really respect your candor. It is never good news but does lead to growth. And though so many others have given the advice on how to proceed, I’m just going to say DO NOT let either of you make the children pawns in any way whatsoever.
Both of you are parents and both of you are important. My ex has marginalized me to my kids, I never put her down but know some day the kids will see things clearly. They will come to their own conclusions, perhaps not the same as mine, but they will nonetheless.
Keep it clean and coparent in their best interests…that’s all you can do for them. and that’s what they deserve from the both of you. Good luck on your journey
I’m sorry about the news. Hang in there.
Penelope, I just found your site and was surprised by the honesty of this post. I love it. Thanks for sharing and good luck with everything for both of you and all parties involved in the divorce.
Wow Miss P, so sorry to hear this. I too am ENTJ and have gone through a divorce.
My first marriage was to someone who was my “equal” but what I learned was there are some fundamental truths to what women need most (love)and what men need most (respect) out of a marriage.
Politically incorrect as it sounds.
I’m not saying this is the lesson you need to learn, just one that I learned later than I wish I would have.
This is the first time I’ve visited your blog, and I must say I am impressed with your authenticity. Thanks for everything that you write – whether I we agree with you or not, you are doing a terrific service for many!
So sorry about your divorce.
I don’t have any feel-good, look-to-the-future advice. It’s just sad.
(But I bet your traffic is up!)
I am sorry to hear about your marriage. I wish you the best. Just remember, in order to get through it, that when times are bad they always get better somehow.
Ok heres the thing… you are not that good of a writer. you are more of a pundant for career advice than an actual expert on it. The fact that you have failed at many things is good. I commend you on admitting that but it doesn’t help you. Because when people look for advice, they would like to hear more of the success than the failure. They sometimes use that as a template or an idea to do better.
which brings me to this. I read your blog for comedic reasons. It is funny to me… not insightful
Rather than being sorry for you Penny, I’m excited. Over the past year or so there’s been plenty of indications in your posts that your life was about to take this turn. Now the decision is made, I’m sure there’ll be lots of new experiences and lots of possibilities open up. My wish is for your happiness and the ongoing well being of both yourself and your family. Here’s to the wonder of not knowing.
Jealous people are funny and so is their schadenfreude. She’s still richer and more successful than you, losers. Probably always will be. It’s a bitch,no?
Sorry Penelope, thought everything was going ok, anyway I still do know that you will work good of everything. Take care.
I hope things go well, going forward. I had to go take that darn test to see what I am. $5 and all, i hope you are getting a cut. I fell in to the trap. Not shocked that I’m ‘the guardian’.
Eek, P, I am sorry to hear the news, as I know as a child of divorce that it is a really rough time.
However, as we have discussed before, all lows become highs based on how we look at them! Ironically, I just wrote a post for Martha Beck’s blog on my pride at being a child of divorced parents and how it taught me so many good things.
http://marthabeck.typepad.com/martha_beck/2008/02/step-into-the-r.html
Was it fun to go through at 5 years old? Hell no. But would I trade it? I don’t think so.
As for the ENTJ stuff, it is useful … but remember, that is just one tiny slice of who you are. We are deeper beings than our personality types, and when you find a person that really matches you, those things are less important.
Don’t jump into the dating world too soon — get to know yourself again and you will be pleased at what you find.
Good luck getting through this — you know where to find me if you need an ear to cry into.
-Pam
Oops – one more thing I feel compelled to mention:
For the benefit of your kids, if you and your ex-hubbie can keep one rule sacred and cardinal as you go through this divorce (and the rest of your lives):
DO NOT, under any circumstances, diss one another in front of your kids.
I don’t care if you are seething with rage, if the other has done great injustice. Zip your lips!
Your kids want to continue to love Mom and Dad equally. When you criticize the other, you are really criticizing that part of your child.
My parents were GREAT about this, and I am convinced that that is why I had an overall positive experience with my parent’s divorce. I honestly never remember my Mom uttering a bad word about my Dad, or vice versa, until I was at least 18. I now know that my Mom wanted to kill him at times. But I really appreciate her restraint, as now I have strong relationships with both of them.
Bitch to your friends in private – let it rip!
But be VERY careful what you say in front of your kinds.
My two cents!
Penelope,
My heart literally stopped when I saw your post. I am so sorry you are going through this. Wish it wasn’t so. I subscribe to your blog through Google Reader and pick out all of the posts by your twentysomethings guys. It’s gotta have a Penelope signature. Anyway, you had a really interesting post a while back about stay at home dads. I showed it to my husband. It started this huge argument or heated discussion about gender issues and parenting and time management etc etc etc. At that point he said you’d get a divorce. And I was MAD – it’s as though he didn’t have any confidence in our own marriage. Or that’s how I interpreted it in my usual melodramatic way. The other day I told him you posted about your divorce and he said he was sorry he’d ever said that.
Later at dinner with friends, it came up again and someone said “Yeah those career types tend to be bad marriage types”. I was appalled! And also thought about your ENTJ comment. As you can tell by the erraticness of my comment here I’m not taking this news very well. I respect you, I am happy for you because I believe in the end it will be the better thing for you and at the same time I feel sadness that you have to go through this.
Thanks for being resilient. You already know this, but don’t forget: the best is still to come. I tell myself: this challenge is light, it is temporary and it will take me to a new level.
Big Hugs.
I’m sorry about your divorce.
I have to point out however, that you had somewhat misquoted the research by Judith Wallerstein and divorce. It is not true that children fair better when the marriage stays intact…..with the exception of marriages with violence as you said. Actually, her research and the overall body of research regarding children and divorce say that children are better off if parents divorce rather than stay in a marriage that exposes them to violence, or verbal abuse, or alcohol/drub abuse, or poor role models for how adults in a loving relationship should act.
Generally speaking, the research states that kids who are worse off because of the divorce, are those that were completely in the dark about the problems in the marriage. Those children who think their parents have a wonderful marriage and then divorce, DO NOT fair well…compared to kids whose parents divorce took them out of the unhealthy environment.
I’m not pointing this out to pick on you. I’m pointing it out because to simply say the research shows divorce is bad for kids unless there is violence is too simplistic and inaccurate. There are SO many variables that affect the outcome for children of divorce. I would hate for anyone else to view the research with such simplicity that they stay in a bad marriage.
PT –
Sorry to hear about your divorce. I watched my parents go through one as a kids and it sucks. there’s nothing good about divorce, even a “good” one. The best thing you can do is let your kids know it’s not their fault. They need a strong center to gravitate to. Make it be you.
What doesn’t crush us makes us stronger. The ability to succeed in life is not measured by our successes, but how we recover and what we learn from failure. You will perservere and be fine.
Keep writing. It’s great therapy.