I disagree with you not because I can't talk about women and working (I'm a 27 year old female Account Manager) but because I think your opinion on abortion is wrong. So in the spirit of being honest about work, I think it's disgusting that you don't see that your miscarried pregnancy and previous aborted pregnancies were a life. With a heartbeat. That you chose to end. You saw the delay in an abortion as an inconvenience to you. I think that is relevant to work because it shows people that you value your convenience over others. Excuse me while I go make a donation to the National Right to Life.

Morally, i'm opposed to abortion, too. BUT, I'm fairly sure Penelope has never written anywhere in her blog that she didn't consider her pregnancies to be life. She even wrote in this one that she understands the pain of a miscarriage when you WANT a pregnancy. And at the end of the day, we ALL value our own convenience over that of others. Anyone who denies that is lying. Sometimes we do try harder to be selfless and sometimes we succeed, but at the core, we're all self-seeking beings.

Hi,

If I have the opinion that every person should have the right to own slaves and keep them by force. Some people may believe that this is wrong, even though it is my opinion?

Tim

And an unwanted child is quite a bit more than an "inconvenience". It is a physical demand on your body, a demand of your time for many years, a demand on your finances, a demand on your emotions.

I think that killing people in unnecessary wars is immoral but I am forced to pay for it with my taxes. There are quite a few circumstances where killing is permitted by law, we don't all agree with them but abortion is legal, if I have to accept war they should have to accept abortion.

the glaring difference between the two is that abortion is legal and slavery is not.

The End.

obvious troll is… obviously towing a plethora of troll bait hooks

How can you say someone's opinion is wrong? It's AN OPINION. Get serious, this is a free country and anyone has the right to think or do what they would like. Why do we spend time judging people for personal decisions? That could also be relevant to work – it's a waste of time to judge.

And perhaps you should also make a donation to a single mom somewhere who can't afford to have another kid. Maybe a yearly donation that lasts for 18 years.

This is something I do not understand – if your partner use a condom, and then throws it away, it's ok, but if a sperm enters an egg, and you do something to remove the result a month later, it's not ok?
Every woman is naturally "losing potential life" every time she has a period. Should it be mourned, too?
And how can one person even think that she can tell another person what should and should not be mourned?

Good point Annette. It seems some care more for a fetus than they do for a child. More for controlling the lives of others than for finding balance in their own lives.

AGREED. As a 25 year old woman who would be incredibly inconvenienced to get pregnant today but still has sex (as protected as is humanly possible), I personally find it unconscionable that you are happy to have a miscarriage, even if you were getting an abortion. You should be mourning either one–that fetus had the potential to be a brother or sister to your child. That's not something to celebrate on Twitter, and I'm sorry, but the fact that this doesn't seem to cross your mind (since you speak your mind so thoroughly and very eloquently) really makes me sad. If you are, understand that your audience may have been more understanding if you expressed this.

In case anyone is curious, I think the government should stay OUT of everyone's business, but I also think that, no matter what, a lost potential life is something to be mourned, even if it is accompanied by some level of relief.

Agreed! Being able to share and speak one's mind is excellent but boundaries do still prevail. Boundaries and balance in all we do are key to keeping it sane.

This commenter has it right. This is why it comes across as offensive. I do not find it bothersome at all to talk about miscarriage at work or even your relief that your pregnancy ended in miscarriage, but the complete callousness to the lost life is jolting.

Gosh, I too have so many opinions about how others SHOULD feel about certain things. How do I go about making sure others feel the way think they SHOULD? I think I'll start by commenting on this blog.

Well said Nichole. IT is so sad to me that abortion has become so normal in this country, and killing a human being has become so easy for people. That creature was created for a reason, you have no right to take his/her life away.

Nichole,

If in business anyone reveals their sensitivity they are showing weakness. That is our business culture. As I am sure you are aware that a woman's reproductive system inconveniences her more than a guys. So if women want to be equal they may as well start talking about things that happen to 75% of women. It is great that you want to mourn any chance of life which ends. Should I as one who was raised Catholic look down on you for using "what ever kind of birth control is humanly possible?" I could argue that a fetus would have a far better chance of surviving even thriving in a 25 year old than a 42 year old. The laws of our country give you the choice to use birth control and Penelope the choice to make reproductive choices and to feel and/or demonstrate what emotions she likes. The Vatican does not agree with either your choice or hers as a matter of fact you may be viewed as more of a sin. I think it is great that you are both freely expressing your opinions. (Again something guaranteed by our laws but frowned on by most churches and those who support the status quo".

Excuse me while I make a donation to NARAL in your name. ;-)

Alexa: So you're carrying a dead embryo that spontaneously springs to life when the heartbeat starts? Your logic is "definately" as bad as your spelling if you believe that.

Sperm + egg = life.

Children are an annoying but amazing blessing. The lost of one, even only weeks along, is a tragedy … or should be.

An embryo gets a heartbeat between 6 and 10 weeks. If you abort before 6 weeks, then there is no "life." I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks, its definately possible.

This is inaccurate, an embryo get a heartbeat between 5 1/2-6 weeks…by the end of the 6th week there IS a heartbeat.

I agree with her because I think she's correct. I think that for at least as long as it is dependent on the woman's body for existence, it is not a separate entity. I believe in reincarnation and that if a spirit does not find a hospitable vessel in one place, it will find it in another. And I think it's disgusting that anyone would foist their religious beliefs upon everyone else and use scientific reasoning that is specious as best, expecting another woman to sacrifice her physical and mental well-being and/or livelihood because of their opinions.

And excuse me while I make a donation to NARAL and Planned Parenthood, as well as the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice.

I would think the energy of people who care so much about pregnancies and children would be better focused on things like the fact that so many women are only guaranteed 12 weeks unpaid leave, when they can ill afford to go 3 months without pay, with the additional threat that whoever fills in for them will become their replacement and their employer will start adding up reasons to get rid of them as soon as they become pregnant. Trust me, it happens–quite frequently. Or you could worry about the fact that there are half a million children in foster care in the United States instead of forcing someone to incubate yet another unwanted child. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would love a healthy white infant, but maybe they should embrace their Christian values by assisting someone who is truly in need.

I'm also really frigging sick of everyone dictating what everyone else should be posting online. Twitter is too "casual" for anything of substance (which really says a lot about what everyone is posting on there) but if you post it on a blog or personal website, they'll complain about it anyway. Just because you won't post anything about your health, family, love life, or bodily functions–or anything, really, that's not just a thinly veiled ploy to get people to visit your website or buy your product–doesn't mean that no one else should. I applaud the people who are posting these types of things, because frankly they're the only things worth reading.

"I'm sure there are a lot of people who would love a healthy white infant, but maybe they should embrace their Christian values by assisting someone who is truly in need."

Well said.

But yet many of the people who share your beliefs on "…but it was a LIFE, with a beating heart…" also support the death penalty. Beating hearts and all.

"I think your opinion on abortion is wrong."

It's someone's OPINION. An opinion is never wrong, you just disagree with it…

I think by definition a miscarriage does not have a heartbeat. I think a three week wait for an abortion, is by any thinking person's standards, not an inconvenience so much as an abomination. I think that the relevance to work is that these thoughts and unfortunate actions exist in the same space as board meetings; in spite of them, even. And now it is my turn to go make a donation that allows a woman to make their own choices about their own bodies.

Every month for a couple of days I feel absolutely horrible when I come to work, and I have to constantly get up to go to the bathroom throughout the day. I have to worry about being in long meetings–make sure all is well and nothing embarassing is happening. But there's no way I could ever tell anyone why (especialy my boss). I just grind my teeth, at times eat Advil, and get through it for another month. It's miserable, stressful, and humiliating.

Spoken like a true Gen "Y"ny. You are so stressed by a biological reality that has been a part of the lives of women from the beginnings of the species, who had to deal with lifestyles that were far more demanding than having to attend meetings in heated and air condtioned spaces with a myriad of feminine hygiene products and medications at their disposal. Seriously, how wimpy can you be? If the pain is that bad, I do hope you have been checked for a medical condition?

And, incidentally, I can't imagine a meeting where you could not discreetly excuse yourself without announcing and discussing with the group that you have your period. If you had irritable bowel syndrome, would you feel better if you could tell your boss you had to go take a shit? Oops, I had better be careful. Don't want to inspire Penny's next blog. She might tie in irritable bowel syndrome with "downward facing doggies" as a way to multi-task in the corporate rest room.

If you feel the need to reveal your biological cycle to your boss, let's review your choices. Your boss has to be either male or female, or even something in between. If she is a woman, she gets it. If he is a man, he has had a mother, or a sister, or perhaps a wife or daughters. No matter…they get it without speaking about it.

Do you count how many times your male counterparts go to the rest room? If they take newspapers with them?

I am so sick of such ridiculous fragility.

"It's considered more socially acceptable for Mom, rather than Dad, to be absent from work. And past research has established that women, on average, do in fact miss more work days than men. Why this is the case and its consequences, however, have remained subjects in the realm of hearsay rather than definitive research."
http://www.livescience.com/health/071115-missing-work.html
******
Why do women, with or without children, miss more work than men? * 9050 responses
They're taking care of children.18%
They're taking care of others.27%
They have more health problems.13%
They take more "mental health" days.25%
They're not as committed to work.16%
Not a scientific survey.
Take the survey here:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21600346/ns/business-careers/
******
Only in Israel: Women miss work less than men
http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/871041.html
******

I read your Tweet Monday morning and thought, "Whoa, she's gonna get some backlash for that one." But I wasn't surprised at all. Your honesty made you what you are today and it's the reason that I've read every post you've ever put up here. Agree or disagree, you make a person think.
In regards to the topic, talking about womens' right to vote, to hold public office, to own property, to get an education, to sign a legal contract, etc. made people uncomfortable in the not so distant past. Thank God for people like you that stand up and aren't afraid to speak your mind.

YOU can talk about such things at work. It's your niche. To suggest that everyone should would quickly collapse the reason there is such a notion as 'professionalism.' A professional does not let their life interfere with their relationships with coworkers.

I personally detest professionalism, and so I left the professional office setting, but it is an art that allows a great number of people to work together efficiently with minimal drama.

If we all talked about such issues openly, workplace drama would explode and lead to conflicts that would threaten productivity.

Not sure what your goal is with this blog. However, have you ever noticed that SUCCESSFUL bloggers appeal to both the male and female audiences, as well as conservative and liberal audiences.

It would appear that you only care about liberal female audiences and, by the way, you reinforce daily why I am so glad to get out of that pathetic communist state. I was happy to have only seen ONE Obama sticker on an Illinois car when I was up in Delavan, WI for a wedding last weekend.

Thank God for the South, which is actually GROWING its economy and cares about the right to life.

Need I write about how misleading your statistics are about 42 year old's getting pregnant? Your stats are a "one size fits all" assumption and anyone with a brain KNOWS that your likelihood of getting pregnant AFTER having a baby/miscarriage is MUCH higher after that pregnancy. Therefore, YOUR changes of getting pregnant are much higher than my colleagues wife, also 42, but never had the joys and blessings of a gift of an infant.

FYI, before we had our now four month old baby (NOT A CHOICE, a GIFT FROM HEAVEN) my wife had two miscarriages and they were VERY painful for her.

Also, in my family which is mostly Catholic it is not unheard of for a 40 plus year old to have a baby successfully. This happens as women age, my dad was born to a 38 year old mother and I was born to a 35 year old mother– not unheard of. Also, have you seen 18 kids and counting? She's over 40 and is pregnant for the 19th time. My cousin is also 40 and expecting.

All you can blog about is abortion, rather disgusting. I day dream about what my daughter is doing, smiling, giggling, cooing or whatever, waiting for daddy, while I am stuck away at work trying to make a living for my family and all you blog about is killing your unexpecting child.

Thank God my mother believes in God, or baby number five wouldn't be writing on this blog right now scolding you.

Dan, you may have some relevant circumstantial evidence about pregnancy rates in older women, but it would be nice to see some statistics if you want anyone to believe you over Penelope who at least linked to a source.

I don't begrudge you the pro-life, conservative rhetoric (although I don't share it), but seriously, you think this blog doesn't qualify as successful? Disagree all you want, but don't be an idiot about it!

@ Dan – I think it's really interesting that you think your mother would have aborted you if she didn't believe in some sort of "God". What's it like to go through life thinking that your mother wouldn't want you around if she had an opportunity to resolve that with her idea of "God"? I think that you should keep in mind that just because abortion is an option, not everyone will use it. Also, you should look up the definition of "communist" I think you are slightly misguided.

Emily, my grandparents emigrated to the US and their Country, the Slovak Republik, became communist after they left and, after having lived in WI for 28 long years of my life, I can assure you that WI IS a communist people's Republic. People there are closed minded and inbred. Thank God I was born in Ohio so I know better.

People there live in their own little world, root da pack, root da pack. And no, my mother loves us dearly and I do believe and know this is mostly due to her faith, may be different for others, but I know my mama as I am her baby and she tells us that we were the VERY BEST thing that ever happenned to her.

Having a precious gift from God, baby girl, myself, I FINALLY can relate to where she is coming from. I'm hypnotized on a daily basis.

Sorry people want to live their lives so irresponsibily, must be why Barry Osama is now in the whitehouse.

Am I the only one who notices that all the people I know who voted for Obama (from WI, not from TN where people are clued in) all want a hand out?

FYI, Dan, Joseph Stalin outlawed abortion in order to increase the workforce and "grow its economy". If you want to continue to spread communist ideals, you go right ahead.

So, she needs to cater to not only your overgrown sense of male privelage, but your religion as well?
If this blog doesn't appeal, why are you giving it more hits and traffic? Oh, that's right, some morally outraged person posted this and you thought, "I WILL SHOOOOW HER".
I get that.
I'm sorry about your wife's loss. Oh, and the miscarriages.

Dan, The overwhelming majority of abortions (~77%) are performed on women who identify themselves as women of faith – so your comment that your momma believed in God (thus, I presume, somehow sparing you from inevitable abortion at the hands of a Godless woman) is not based on facts… only self-righteous smugness.

(slide # 30)
http://www.guttmacher.org/presentations/abort_slides.pdf

How stupid is this post? You incorrectly assume that everyone from the south is a religious zealot,that the south is bereft of women or men who are pro-choice and that the economy in the south is booming because everyone is pro-life…thanks for the laugh. Oh, and the comment that "SUCCESSFUL bloggers appeal to both the male and female audiences, as well as conservative and liberal audiences"…Dan, I think you are incorrect there as well…please google liberal blogs and then google conservative blogs…you can even try googling blogs for women and blogs for men…as you can see there are many blogs distinctly aimed at one specific audience or another.

Penelope…get well soon!

Dan, if you really want to know what's it like not to have access to abortion, in a communist country, I suggest you rent 4 months, 3 weeks, 2 days.

Dan, btw, when you put communism and abortion in this message, it really shows me that you have no idea what you're talking about.

OMG you guys are killing me.. Reading through these comments is just crazy.. It's like a "he said-she said" tell all here.. I am wondering if you guys are actually "reading" what was written before posting your replies.. I guess it just shows that we all have different "opinions" on how we take things that we hear or read.. But Dan my man, I had to actually stop what I was reading to reply to your post.. I am so glad that there are loving fathers out there like you, but you must watch the news? Surely you see everyday how children are being kidnapped from their beds, being sexually assualted and then being left murdered in a trash bag on the side of the road.. Surely you hear about all of the "post partum" mothers who murder their children.. While yes it would be a wonderful world we lived in if everyone loved children the way you do or I do for that matter,but it's just not so.. "FORCING" someone to carry a baby for 40 weeks.. To put their lives and careers on hold for the 40 weeks it takes to carry a baby, to force someone to deal with all of the miserable things pregnancy can seem to bring for 40 weeks.. Like puking, heartburn, sharp shooting pains for no reason, peeing on yourself everytime you sneeze, ect.. Need I go on? Not all pregnancies are pleasant.. But 40 weeks!! 40 weeks of resentment towards this undborn child.. And I keep saying 40 weeks bc damn that is a LONG time.. But how can you force someone to completely put their lives on hold to have a baby they never wanted in the first place only to give this baby up for adoption with NO CLUE on what kind of family they are being placed with.. Maybe these mothers who kill their kids wanted to have an abortion but were made to feel like it wasnt an option and had these kids they DIDNT want, dealt with it as long as they could before they snapped.. NO MATTER what the reasons are, if someone says they don't want something, why should they be forced to do it.. Like now the govt is trying to mandate swine flu shots, which in past, the vaccine killed more ppl than the swine flu itself.. It should be our choice if we want to be vaccinated.. Right? It's our body our choice.. Should be the same for everything.. Dont "FORCE" people to bring unwanted kids into the world..Those are the kids who usually wind up being a statistic..

Maybe mother didn't have enough time left to spend with baby number 5 to teach him that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. BTW I am a male from Illinois who agrees with Penelope. You may not have noticed that a Senator from Chi si now our president.

"That we don’t acknowledge [miscarriage] is absurd. That it is such a common occurrence and no one thinks it’s okay to talk about is terrible for women."

Thank you for these lines. When I saw your twitter about your miscarriage, your openness lifted my spirits. Because I was going through a miscarriage for a very much wanted pregnancy, and was overwhelmed by the silence on the matter. I started reading about miscarriage to help with my coping, and became angered as I began to realize how common it is, yet SO NOT a part of the narrative of reproduction. I'm mad because I wasn't better prepared for this, and if there was more openness, I might have been.

I totally agree that women have a right to share our experiences, that this sharing is empowering and it puts our experience of life into the norm.

Thank GOD for those of us in the South who believe in a woman's right to choose.

Penelope, I think your blog is SUCCESSFUL because it demands that people think about issues that are often uncomfortable.

I agree, for women, talking about certain issues makes them easier for us to learn about and deal with. For example; my friends and I often discuss finances, which to other generations may have been taboo. I know that it is helping us become more financially savvy, know what we are worth, and bond over something that is often considered a "man's concern".

Thanks for inspiring me.
Liz

p.s.- I volunteer with Planned Parenthood here in Georgia, you should come speak to us!

Liz, no problem, I live in the South (Tennessee) and I believe 100% in my four month old daughter's RIGHT to choose, and choose her own life as most people do not commit suicide once born and she deserves to be alive daily and not butchered just as much as myself and her mother.

You're welcome.

As always, I am amazed by pro-lifers complete disregard for the already living.

It's quite easy for a man to be self-righteous about reproductive issues, isn't it?

Dan, why are you even reading this blog–it must be somewhat successful. And maybe you don't get it but successful blogs appeal to their target audience – not all people of all walks.

And just because your grandparents lived under Communism or became Communists doesn't make you some kind of expert on it. Wisconsin is not communist – did they take your land, make you farm it, then take your products giving you in return a share of everybody else's? Your logic is so flawed you can't even recognize the errors.

If you actually made a logical fact based argument, you might actually get people to agree with what you have to say instead of thinking you're just filled with drivel.

Dan, so you chose life. Fantastic. Do you want a cookie or something? For the love of your God, shut the hell up.

Pro-choicer here in North Florida (the extension of South Georgia). The GOVERNMENT doesn't get to tell me what I can and can't do with my body (I'm a multiple threat–I'm gay AND I'm on Depo-Provera so I don't even have a period…what does your crazy-ass God…no, wait, your crazy-ass churchgoers have to say about me, Dan?) and neither do insane Bible-thumpers. A woman gets to choose. Will she keep the baby, or will she save it from a less-than-optimal life? Will she stay at home, or will she go back to work? It's her CHOICE. And if we are to preserve the human race, Dan, a grown adult woman must be placed priority over a fetus. Really, how many choices does your four month old make right now? My month-old niece doesn't. She only has needs that we fill as her loving family. She can't choose anything. Neither can your kid, sorry to say. Any "choices" she makes, you still make FOR her because you gave her the false "choice" of what toy to pick, or what have you.

Now, I'll give you a choice: What kind of cookie for the poor woobie who desperately needs commenters on this blog to validate his choices? Chocolate chip? Sugar? Crow?

"People there are closed minded and inbred. Thank God I was born in Ohio so I know better."

Ha ha, Dan, you're quite the comic! Really! HILARIOUS! Having spent a significant number of my formative years in Ohio, this really made me laugh.

Hi from a fellow Tennessean…happily married, a future mother, and VERY VERY pro-choice!

Mind your own business.

Maybe I read this too fast…. Did you really mention the abortion subject and now are wondering why people are upset? Are you a dumbass?

As a frequent reader of your blog, I noticed how you always bring out statistics to rationalize your choice, while you know this is not why you decided to post it on Twitter in the first place.

Obviously, posting it on Twitter without any context (which is usually what tweets are anyway), lacking emotion, treating it as business as usual, is a provocative thing. And obviously, people are going to be shocked and grossed out about it. I don't see why that surprises you.

A commenter before me posted that she wants to be able to discuss miscarriages at her workplace. I don't think this is ever going to happen. And why would you want to?

Would it help you any if you could talk about a miscarriage to your colleagues? How about the bus driver? Or the person that held the elevator for you?

Some issues are very complicated or just embarrassing to discuss with just anyone and are therefor best discussed with just close friends or family. Just like urine loss, enlarged prostates, foot fungus, bowel disorders, mental issues, etc. are things you don't usually mention to just anyone. And is that really so bad?

Yes.

Many people find sharing hard experiences makes them easier. That's why there are support groups for cancer survivors or long-term diseases. That's why people share that they're going bankrupt (as one of my coworkers did).

Because your personal and business lives are not separate. You can't just step through a door and leave all your baggage behind. People can draw a lot of comfort from commiseration and the advice of others. Your coworkers are people you see as much as your own family. Hopefully, you are friendly with some of them. If people know you are going through something big, they can take the time to let you know they care, and that can be enough to brighten your hour.

Miscarriage can be extremely heart-breaking for the couple involved, but why should it be embarrassing or shameful? Women should be free to talk about it and to draw comfort from those around her if she needs it.

"Some issues are very complicated or just embarrassing to discuss with just anyone and are therefor best discussed with just close friends or family. Just like urine loss, enlarged prostates…"

I'd like to politely disagree there. Taboos are determined by culture, not some kind of objective rating system of what's "embarrassing" and what's not. I live in China where people urinate and defecate in public because it's not embarrassing, and telling someone they're fat or pale is not an insult.

There is no reality, only perceptions. If people function better with support and open communication in times of extreme physical and emotional distress (like miscarriage), why not challenge a taboo and enable people to share more and get the support they need?

Tweeting may not tell the WHOLE story, but it opened the door and allowed someone to express what they needed to get off their chest. Don't read it if you don't like it.

Thanks Penelope for being open and brave. Hope you recover quickly and feel better soon.

Once again, thank you for talking about the elephant in the room. As with abortions, I was shocked to discover how many of my close friends had experienced either an abortion or a miscarriage. By not sharing your experience, you are denying yourself the love and support of your family. For too long, miscarriages are viewed as a source of shame. Perhaps, by exposing miscarriages as a reality of the female experience they will no longer be a source of shame required to be kept secret.

Thank you Penelope.

For me the shock and reaction I had("why would you post that?") was not sent to you because I figured you didn't need strangers commenting on events in your life.

I did wonder about your birth control methods but again, realized they were none of my business.

The reason it startled me is that even in friends who did not want the pregnancies and were considering/planning on abortion, they were affected by their miscarriages more than you seemed to be. Your reaction seemed cold and designed to shock people. Bringing up a miscarriage in conversation with friends or even in a blog post, seemed more "normal" than on twitter where there was no context or anything to suggest thought or caring or even consideration given. That was what startled me.

I hope you heal soon and never have to go through that again.

Good for you. The lack of access in this "progressive" state is horrifying.

Yes, talk about it, but please be aware that when you say, "We can start talking about it now," that's not entirely accurate. Women in the early 70s talked about it, and it was huge. Performance artist Karen Finley talked about it in the 80s, and was viciously attacked by the conservative senator, Jesse Helms.

We need to remember that we've had this conversation, and we've forgotten about it. So many women talked about it in the 70s that career possibilities for women opened up as never before. And guess what? Women stopped talking about it. And thus women forgot.

So while I applaud this conversation, this 'talking about it,' please learn from the past and remember that it's not enough to talk about it. We have to talk about it between generations, and with our daughters, and with our mothers, and stop pretending that women today face no obstacles. That's just bullshit.

I don't believe Penelope ever said she didn't consider her past pregnancies as "a life"…she did say that she cried over it which constitutes a loss in my eyes.

I would never be able to have an abortion myself but I am 100% pro-choice. Not a single woman, or man for that matter, has the right to tell another woman what to do with their body. Especially when the outcome of a term pregnancy might be something that the biological mother does not want.

I think we are remiss in believing that as soon as a female becomes pregnant that she is automatically a "mommy" and starts decorating the nursery. I am 27 years old and cannot picture giving birth. If I am lucky enough to continue being careful, I will adopt in the future. There are plenty of beautiful children, both infant and older, that need a loving life that I know I would be able to provide.

I have to admit, I have very little filter, and do not take issue with discussing women's topics in a work or even public forum. It is a part of who we are. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. It is in all of us. The sooner we come to terms with that and embrace it, the less embarrassed and anxious we will all be.

Yes! Pro-choice is not a matter of life and death! It is about CHOICE and refusing to pass judgement on others for their choices. That means you can be pro-choice and believe that abortions are on option but also believe that the only option for yourself is abstinence or carrying on full term.

Penelope – I never saw your twitter post as something casual and flippant, but factual and astounding. Your honesty can be shocking and it fascinates me at the same time.

Thank you for your posts and for generating so much conversation.

Shanna, the reason people who are pro-life don't agree with this is because they very strongly believe that it IS about life, and that you are taking away another person's opportunity to LIVE by having an abortion. For example–let's say you were in a horrible accident with another person. You're okay, but that other person's only chance to continue to live after the accident is for you to be attached to them and disrupt your life for 9 months. Should the goverment be able to force you to do that? I don't think so. But is it the right thing to do? I definitely think so, and I WOULD judge anyone who did not choose to make that sacrifice. But I won't force you to. People who are pro-life don't see any difference between a fetus and a person, so it's not as simple as "respecting someone's choice".

Trying to continue the conversation, just adding a different perspective for you.

Nicole,

Well, I'm glad you don't think the government should force anyone. And you should be free to personally judge someone for their moral choices.

But what about the quality of life of the mother?

All actions in life have a cost. My old neighbor had a full athletic scholarship to university before she realized she was pregnant. She had to give up the scholarship to stay home so that her parents could help her raise the baby. Last I heard, she was going to try to go to community college part-time. Her whole life was disrupted, but to her, the baby was worth it.

Of course, aborting can have it's own psychological and moral costs. Perhaps if women felt more free to talk about their experiences with abortion, women could make better choices about whether to have them or not. Cloaking the act in secrecy does neither side any good.

Until we stop teaching abstinence only and start teaching kids how to have safe sex so that when they go out into the world, they aren't trying to learn birth control from the internet. Until we develop birth control that is 100% effective and doesn't mess with a woman's (or man's) hormone system (since many people have moral objections to that), then individuals will need to be able to choose what costs they can live with.

Emma,
Thanks for the quick reply. I still think what a lot of people are missing in the course of the pro-life vs. pro-choice conversation is that when someone is pro-life, they believe that making the choice to abort the baby is the same thing as leaving a person to die so that one can finish college on time. I understand that most people who are pro-choice don't see a fetus as a baby, but for most people who are pro-life, there is no difference, which is why they can't "respect someone's choice". Personally, I don't KNOW if a 2 month old fetus is as much of a person as a baby…but I think that more people need to understand that side of the argument.

Nichole,

I'm pro-choice, and I do understand that anti-choicers believe that having an abortion is the same as wilfully killing a baby. Here's the thing, though: their assertion isn't based in science or fact, it's based in religion. The United States is not a religious state, nor was it ever meant to be. So when we have the whole "abortion or not" debate, I am always shocked that the government gives it any credence at all because of its religious origin.

To put it in context, the courts contiually litigate issues of first amendment rights in schools and courthouses. Can your teacher force you to pray? Can your courthouse have the Ten Commandments on the wall? The answer to both questions is "no," and the reason why it's "no" is because the United States is not a religious state.

But, for some reason, the government permits people to attempt to legislate religion through anti-abortion laws. If some scientist came up with substantiated proof (as in, not paid for by NARAL and proven by a non-religious group) that fetuses are "babies" and that abortion IS murder, then I would agree that it should not be legal. Because if having an abortion really IS the same as killing a person, then obviously murder is murder.

The reality of it is, however, that fetuses and embryos are NOT babies and they are NOT viable until at least 22 weeks (some 20-weekers make it, but that is not the norm). And even that age of viability is still iffy in terms of the health of the child later in life, but that's an ethical grey area in my opinion.

Anyway, the point is this: anti-choicers can believe anything they like in their religions and I don't fault them for it or attempt to change their beliefs. I am Jewish and I don't believe the same things that Christians believe – and I also don't think that my religion is "right" and that its laws should be legislated. But that is EXACTLY what the majority of Catholics and Christians in this country believe, and the anti-abortion movement is a prime example of religions attempting to legislate religion. If you need another example, consider the anti-evolution bullshit they keep attempting to teach in our schools.

Nicole – it isn't just 9 months. Abortion, adoption, parenting or some other outcome – it is not just 9 months of a woman's life.

A three-week waiting period is offensive (as it implies women don't think *before* they go to a clinic), but perhaps not surprising given who is writing your laws. I did a quick count on your legislature's website and found your senate to be made up of about 26 men and 7 women, and your assembly to be made up of about 76 men and 23 women.

You write a lot about gender inequality being extinct in workplaces, but the same is certainly not true of our legislatures, which are empowered to draft laws binding our workplaces, our communities, and our bodies.

PT, it seems as if you get pregnant easily. At 45 or 48 you may still get pregnant easily. I would love to read that you are moving to a more reliable form of birth control. None are 100% effective but some come close. Have you spoken to your doctor about the number of times you have had unwanted pregnancies? The two of you can probably come up with a better form of birth control for your situation than the one you are currently using. Then please blog about it, so we can benefit from your evaluation of the different pros and cons.

Yes please – I feel like this post should really be about which forms of birth control don't work. I also understand that no birth control is 100% effective, but seriously…

This post seems to reinforce abortion as a method of birth control, which is pretty traumatizing.

I don't see this as reinforcing abortion as birth control. Shit happens, women get pregnant when they do not want to, even when they are plenty smart and careful. What this whole debate is about is regulating women's bodies, especially women's sexuality. I'm so sick of the prolifers. Will go support NARAL and Planned Parenthood again, as I often have in the past.

Exactly. This is what I would like to hear –instead of yet another account of an unplanned pregnancy. She is (should be?) smarter than that.

Please. I am fiercely pro-choice, but I am also fiercely pro-responsibility. Take some.

Uh, she is responsible. If she doesn't want a pregnancy she plans to terminate it. Have an abortion.

Just because you find abortion distasteful doesn't mean Penelope has to agree with you. You seem to want women to have abortions only as a last result and to feel sadness and shame about them.

If Penelope doesn't think it's really a person yet, then she's not required to mourn it.

The End.

I totally love you for writing this. I'm sorry you had to work while you were having a miscarriage, though; how sucktastic that must've been.

I'm one of those who spoke out against the twitter. What bothered my was the callousness of it.

Granted, when one is pregnant, having an abortion or a miscarriage, hormones run rampant and, yes, sometimes women act in somewhat irrational ways. (I don't say this to make us look like idiots. We're not. But let's be realistic here, the hormone thing is true.)

Anyway, like someone above said: Here is Penelope, having a miscarriage and she's twittering about it rather than going to the hospital. And what about the farmer? I'm assuming he has a role in this? Isn't he entitled to some privacy? Doesn't he have feelings about this? Wasn't this his child also, wanted or not?

At what point does life and death stop becoming entertainment for the rest of the world? Or a marketing ploy?

I honestly believe that Penelope views her readers as a bit of a support group. People that read her blog because they, I don't know, actually like her.

I think if the Farmer knows her like we hope he does, he takes that part of her with the rest even if he may not want his business out in the open.

Life and death are both scary things. Sometimes the best ways to deal with them are to reach out to others. And yes, to make jokes about them too.

Not trying to start trouble but no one knows what it's like to be Penelope.

P.S. to Cody down there *points further down the comment stream*…grow up.

Here's the thing: we don't know that she didn't go. We know that the miscarriage was ongoing during the meeting, but we don't know that she hadn't already seen her doctor. Miscarriages often aren't instantaneous; they can take weeks.

As for your other questions, I don't know. She hasn't said anything on those topics.

Thanks for saying this. Obviously those saying she should be in the hospital have never had a miscarriage or been close to someone who has. The whole point of P's post is that women have to deal with these things in their work lives. The fact that so many people are misinformed about how a miscarriage works is proof enough we need to talk about it more. Most women can't take the time off work to be at home or in the hospital while a miscarriage takes its course over days or weeks.

FYI and as a miscarriage veteran, if you race off to the hospital, they send you home. There is no emergency; it's generally a very natural process. You do need to get checked out at the end to be sure the miscarriage was complete.

PT – My sympathies for the dilemma.

I'm glad you explained the situation too, because I read your tweet and was shocked by it, but mostly because I didn't understand. I always thought miscarriages were a sudden, traumatic woosh, and had NO IDEA they lasted that long. So with that vision in my head, I was like, "Huh? How can you sit there on twitter in a meeting when that's happening?"

It's a little scary how ignorant we can be about our own bodies. Well you learn something new every day. I have much respect for your honesty and openness.

I wasn't so much offended by your tweet, but the seemingly nonchalant attitude of it. Weather one is pro life or pro choice, the issue of abortion is not one that should be treated with nonchalance.

That being said, I do think we should be able to talk about it at work. I had a miscarriage and was working on setting up a major interview day. I had to call the manager and ask that it be pushed back 2 days because I had to go have a d&c and another person needed to take over. The manager yelled at me. He yelled at me because I was not able to do my job even though I was going through the worst hell of my life. HR knew and did nothing. I ended up leaving that job because of the situation. It was just too uncomfortable for me to work there anymore.

So, while I applaud you for putting it out there, I do think there needs to be a certain amount of reverence.

I jsut started reading your blog a few weeks ago but I just wanted to say I love it and think it's hilarious how people jump all over you in the comments. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, people!

I also love all the great points you made in this post to back up your rather absurd tweet! Very interesting.

Everyone is entitled to there opinion, but her complete lack of tact and voyeuristic need to share every intimate detail of her life makes me questions just how competent an career advisor she really is. She should be a little more responsible in how she approaches her topics lest someone in a more traditional career path follows her lead and ends up suffering because of it.

You've written about how much you value honesty, but I think what really sets you apart isn't your honesty, but a keen sense for what's going to resonate with other women. If this were just a bare-all blog about your life, it would be boring and you wouldn't have so many readers.

I started a blog this year in an attempt to define something essential about the American female experience. When I found this blog a few months ago, I thought, looks like somebody beat me to it!

I'm always amazed at how much you get off on the attention you receive. So how many other lives will end/abortions will you have before you learn? Have you ever considered starting saving money to get your tubes tied since you were so thankful that you felt the need to TWEET about a happy miscarriage? I'm a very open minded individual, but as one reader put it, it doesn't matter if you are pro choice or pro life…you've got to be PRO RESPONSIBILITY FIRST. Please for the love of God, THINK about how this affects others before you end another life.
You never seem regretful about your actions, you just blog about justifying what you've done. I implore you to seek some sort of mental help.

Are there any men who ACTUALLY read this blog anymore? Judging by the comments, the answer is NO. It's not a big surprise you were fired from being CEO like you were previously fired by Yahoo. One learns early in Speech class to know their audience, and your's is tiny as you relate to very few in the OVERALL population in America who have nuclear families and raise their kids right.

Because of course men must always be included in the audience. Grow up. Women don't have to cater to men in everything anymore.

Oh Emma, "grow up," please. You are so se%ist and mad it's not even funny.

I am much older and wiser than you, and will take my traditional 68 year old catholic mother anyday over a snotty br)ad like you!

Dan, you're a man, and you're reading this blog. Penelope is profiting from your angry SHOUTING, which makes me happy. btw I am in a nuclear family, raising my kid right, and I can totally relate to Penelope's material. We are everywhere.

Jenny, that's great, but when you exclude 50% of the population from your audience, and by the way very few women I KNOW and in MY FAMILY are wierd man hating libs who can't hold a marriage together and don't think at all like you do, you are going to get very few customers. The best blogs are the ones that appeal to both genders. In fact, i used to read a law professor's blog from Madison quite often as it wasn't nearly as weird as this one.

I have a lot of fun here because I used to live in the Communist People's Republik of WI and can relate to some of the posts and backwards mindset of that state.

Of course it was a shocking tweet … that was the point. It created dramatic tension. It created interest. It got a lot of people emotionally involved, and all those people were waiting for this follow-up post.

Say what you want about Penelope, she's a damn good writer. And when it comes to self-marketing, she's the Madonna of the blogosphere.

To all the haters: you're unclear on the concept. If you don't like Penelope's blog, the best thing you can do is to simply ignore it. Outrage (especially shared outrage) increases traffic. Traffic benefits Penelope. Simple as that. Save the moral judgments for the nuclear family dinner table.

(I do love the term "nuclear family", and how it connotes the possibility of a cataclysmic explosion. But that's another topic.)

Sara, let me ask you this? What happens when someone who reads this blog and has a more traditional career path than Penelope follows her lead? It is going to hurt them. If someone put stuff like she write on the internet he/she could lose his/her job. Furthermore, by intentionally mixing her personal brand with her sex life, she puts not only her own career but her company at risk of a backlash. She should be free to write about whatever she likes, but she shows a lack of good judgment by writing about her own sex life on a blog that is meant to be about professional problems. Yes, her being controversial generates traffic and attention, but it does so with total disregard to her professional responsibilities both as a CEO and a career advisor.

Anthony:

1) Grownups are responsible for their own decisions. Anyone who mindlessly follows someone else's example/advice without considering their own specific circumstances is going to get in trouble sooner or later. There is no point in trying to protect people from themselves. Bloggers put information out there: it's our job as readers to assess that information and decide whether or not it actually applies to us. We are not lemmings.

2) Penelope is responsible for her own brand. Sharing personal information is obviously a key factor of that brand. What you think her "professional responsibilities" should be is completely irrelevant. The only people who have a right to play that card are her co-workers … and should they choose to do so, I'm sure we'll read it here first.

Sara, I would be inclined to agree with your first comment if Penelope did not portray herself as a career expert. If she wants to call herself an expert, then I would hope that she believes that this entails a responsibility to at least not knowingly give bad advice, and to censor where appropriate so as not to mislead.
Furthermore, she has in the past targeted millennials, young people who often aren't equipped to necessarily make these decisions. They might see how open Penelope is and think that is a good idea. Since Penelope targeted these people, my hope is that she would again take this into account.

As for her company, it's not only her employees who's opinions matter, it's also her investors. They may not be aware of what she is doing on here or what effect it is having on her company. I'm certainly sure that her investors would be pleased to know that she was twittering during a board meeting.

This comment of yours though is what bothered me:
"Say what you want about Penelope, she's a damn good writer. And when it comes to self-marketing, she's the Madonna of the blogosphere."

This is the issue. There are more important things than simply generating traffic. Take the current issue being discussed. I have no problem with discussing miscarriages at work, and I actually think it is a very important topic to discuss especially for the poor women who felt they had no choice but to work during one. I also have no problem with her talking about her experiences with them as it is germane to the topic and serves to put a human face on it. I do have a problem, though, with the way this was handled.

Penelope was not inspired to write this because of the experience she had. Instead, she wrote this to justify a poorly timed and poorly worded tweet about the incident. In doing so, she has ultimately turned what could have been an enlightening post about her experience into a three ring circus about her poor choice.

The saddest thing is that this did not have to happen this way. She could have brought up the tweet to expand upon it and clarify what she was thinking at the time. This could have been used as a valid jumping point to discuss the larger issues at play. There was no need to even apologize, as I agree with you that she doesn't owe that to anyone for this. The explanation could have politely answered some of the criticisms that had been in error, and then used to expand upon what happened and how women are affected.

Instead, we get a screed in which she blasts individuals who dared to criticize her bringing it up in a public venue. She uses the points about miscarriages as mere points in here argument about why she was right in what she did. This invites nothing but distraction as it brings more focus to her than was necessary.

Now, I'm sure you'll come back with how this isn't mine nor anyone else's business. Now, if we were all at the same restaurant and we overhead Penelope, you would be perfectly correct in your argument. Here is your problem. She makes it our business. She puts it out there for everyone to see, and she even invites our criticism by allowing us to leave it. To her credit, she has the integrity to leave it all there no matter what is said. If she doesn't want people making judgments, then she shouldn't put it out there and create a forum where this happens.

Now, as for why I read. I don't usually. It is this type of cavalier and at times narcissistic behavior that has drove me from this blog half a year go. (In all fairness, I do tend to be a fairly private person, but it appears that she is going increasingly for shock value.) Given her personal biography and the manner in which she handles issues such as this, I concluded at that time that her only qualification for giving out this advice was the fact that she was able to purchase server space. (No, yahoo does not count in her favor. Most of their authors have no business posing as any sort of journalists or advisors.) The only reason I came back was that I transfered my Linux install onto a new laptop, and I happened to use an older copy of my bookmarks that had this rss feed. The title looked interesting, so I figured why not. I did not expect what I saw, and I certainly was not thrilled with how it was handled. I only stay for the conversation on this thread, where I have not only discussed her behavior, but also some of the surrounding issues, including a defense of a woman's right to choose. Once this discussion dies, I will gladly go back to my policy of avoiding this blog.

I don't follow you on Twitter but I do read your blog regularly. When I read the tweet in your blog post, my first thought was "WTF? How callous can she be?" But then I started thinking about it and I came to the conclusion that it's all about perspective.
For someone like me that desperately wanted more than one child, every miscarriage was devastating. I had seven total before I decided to give up and move on via a tubal ligation & ablation.
For someone that doesn't want more children, the pregnancy itself would be the thing that could be devastating. In that situation, having a miscarriage would absolutely be preferable to having to get an abortion, especially if I had to wait for almost a month to do so.
On another note…one of my pregnancies was far enough along that I had told my coworkers so consequently, I had to tell them when I had a miscarriage. It was unbelievable to me that not one single woman said anything to me. Not one word of condolence, not one question about how I was doing, nothing. However, two men went out of their way to come up to me and talk with me about it. Ever since then, I have made it a point to push past the discomfort and acknowledge a loss (of any kind) as soon as I find out. Yeah, it sucks and it's uncomfortable and finding the right words isn't easy. However, hearing someone stumble through an acknowledgment is so much better than hearing silence.

@Kelly – thanks for sharing your miscarriage experience – specifically – "It was unbelievable to me that not one single woman said anything to me. Not one word of condolence, not one question about how I was doing, nothing. However, two men went out of their way to come up to me and talk with me about it."
It's your words and Penelope's – "Throughout history, the way women have gained control of the female experience is to talk about what is happening, and what it's like. We see that women's lives are more enjoyable, more full, and women are more able to summon resilience when women talk openly about their lives." that make me believe both men and women need to talk about the female experience. The female experience affects both men and women.

To the people saying someone is an "idiot" for getting pregnant: no one I know uses her ovaries to make decisions. Pregnancy is a natural bodily process. It happens without your volitional control. It's true that it won't happen if you don't have sex, but if we all waited to have sex until we absolutely wanted and could afford any baby that might result, well, that's a stupid idea. If you want to live like that, fine, but don't act as though it's the only reasonable way to build a society. It's not. You're just trying to control what other women, strangers to you, are doing with their own bodies. That's intrusive and creepy and a level of state intrusion into my private affairs that I find unacceptable (and so far, the USSC agrees.)

Incidentally, I found it especially funny that two demonstrators outside my local clinic a few weeks ago got out of a car sporting a pro-gun-rights bumper sticker. Really? You're freaking out about "the state" taking your guns, but you want to make sure that I can only have sex when I am able to support a pregnancy or a child? Let me guess, you're opposed to health care reform, too, right? Sheesh.

This was your best. Ever. Post.

I'm glad 70-odd people removed your from their feed, it's less to worry about. I mean, honestly.

Penelope, you 'get it'. Miscarriage is a messy, personal business. It's uncomfortable, horrible and plain annoying. And that's just if it was 'a pregnancy' to you. If it was a much wanted baby, your hopes and dreams for the past year or so, all wrapped up in an embryo, then it's far, far worse.

We're women. We lose our babies, fetuses, pregnancies… at work. That's life. It's our life.

Penelope,

Thank you for having the courage to speak when things simply need to be said because when you speak, you create the space for others to speak. Do not let the small minority of religious anti-choice fundies silence you! :o)

There is so much dialogue that's missing from the general discourse. Thank you for disrupting the silence, keep up the amazing work. Good luck healing through this process.

Just to say, as a counter balance to the critics, here – I've lived through miscarrying while having to be at work — two weeks of uncertainty and terrible waiting. I desperately wanted the baby (luckily the next one worked out), cried and cried at my desk, and was a complete basket case for months. I was brand new at the job, entirely untested. My colleagues were not impressed.

That said, the tone of your tweet would have been completely understandable to me even if this pregnancy were expected and wanted — when you're going through something awful for a long time, it seems normal to me to be matter of fact — even flippant — about it. I'm not really sure why people think you should wring your hands in public, and I certainly don't think you should live with it silently.

I don't understand why, when you post such intimate, personal material, other peoples' reactions surprise you. This can't be the first time you've made such a post or tweet, nor can it be the first time you've received a reaction different to the one you expect or would like. Having said that, I'm not sure what reaction you would want, as I'm not you.
These are, as you point out, complex issues. Which makes it somewhat contradictory for you to be upset/surprised when people consider your tweet flippant.
I'm not sure what you want. I don't think I'm interested.

I also missed the Tweet, but wanted to thank you for talking about this.

As someone who has watched one family member miscarry and another have an abortion, I think both would have benefited from a world in which we could talk about these things more freely. This is the kind of conversation that empowers women.

Penelope,

I am one of those people who "actually came to my blog and wrote complaints about the twitter on random, unrelated posts.". So let me clarify my position: I am female, liberal, sexually active, career oriented and pro-choice. I am not grossed out by the idea of a miscarriage or abortion. I also applauded your previous post on abortion and agree that the subject must be discussed more openly.

However, I can only disagree with your method of using miscarriage/abortion as a form of birth control –it is playing the lottery, and means an unnecessary hassle and health risk (physical –see ectopic pregnancy- and mental) for yourself, not even touching upon the moral grounds.

"So everyone who is complaining that I’m an idiot for getting pregnant should go buy a calculator."
No, no, and no. YOU buy a calculator and do some research on birth control methods. You compare your ad-hoc "let menopause do the work" trick to the condom. Well, the condom (like pulling out, or the rhythm method) has a high failure rate and is thus not ideal for people having regular sex. There are several methods with much higher success rates, like:
- the pill, and other variations of hormonal control
- IUds
- tubal ligation

Your carelessness in this matter speaks very poorly of your research, decision-making and self-care skills. It is at its best stupidity, at its worst drama-seeking.

wow, well said.

ONCE AND FOR ALL PEOPLE–Abortion is birth control.

Pregnant + Abortion = No child
Pregnant + Do Nothing = Child

See how that works? I do not understand why people do not get this. Abortion is the absolute last resort to controlling birth.

@C.H The dictionary definition of 'birth control' is "regulation of the number of children born through the deliberate control or prevention of conception". It's a synonym for 'contraception' – ie. something that prevents contraception, or governs it so it only occurs when you want it.

Dealing with an unwanted pregnancy AFTER conception does not fit the dictionary definition of birth control.

Yes, abortion literally controls birth but that doesn't mean it's birth control. You're being far too literal!

Consider this – if you take a pregnant woman and shoot her dead, you probably kill the baby along with the mother. It doesn't mean that shooting pregnant women is birth control.

(Note, I am in no way saying that abortion = killing pregnant women. I'm just picking an extreme example to show that not everything that prevents birth is birth control).

So basically—you play the odds and decided to let either miscarriage or abortion be your method of birth control. That is sick. Most ppl have not had 2 abortions in their life. START USING BIRTH CONTROL.

I got prego twice on birth conrol (multiple forms, no less). I am hoping my body likes this new bc better as my husband and I are not prepared for 3 under 3 or for excercising my right to choice. I sure as hell am not prepared for more wingnuts to tell me I should have been more responsible – Especially if it is those same wingnuts that don't want me to have affordable health care that would actually pay for an elective procedure to solve this dilemna. (And we are "lucky" enough to have great coverage!) Stunning how high those soap boxes can over 140 characters of insight.

First of all, most seem to forget that this is A) your blog and B) your Twitter acct. Both of which are 'opt in' (or 'opt out')

You may well be the Eminem (Marshall Mathers) of Business, ie, both in upper Midwest and both prefer to discuss openly what most are reluctant to mention even in private. Good Bad or Ugly.

However, I think the title of post would be more appropriate if it was "I" can't manage "My" career etc. Because thats whom you're referring…

Penelope, I also had a miscarriage at work very early in my career. I had to tell the HR person that I was pregnant in the same breath as that I had to leave to go to the doctor. Everyone was very understanding and the HR person told the brokers (all men) that I worked for at the time for me what was up. I kept it private except for them. I didn't feel any more alienated from career success than before in this old-school job, because I was female and an assistant, and that's what we did. Placed trades and had babies. My moving up the ladder was so foreign to them that it couldn't be hampered by the miscarriage any more.

I don't work there anymore, and I'm done having babies – can focus on my family and career now. I was glad to read your post and also shocked about Wisconsin. Who knew?!? Thanks for sharing.

Had to skip down to the bottom, so sorry if this is a repeat. But the real difference between pro-life and pro-choice is not whether or not you think it's the right thing to do to carry a fetus to full term.

If you call yourself pro-life and if you vote that way, you are voting for LAWS that say a woman or a doctor or both should go to JAIL if they DON'T.

I think the main issue with the tweet was not the subject but rather the tone. I have no problems with you talking about miscarriages, abortions etc. I'm an American who's pro-choice living in Ireland where abortions are completely illegal so I understand how this issue affects women. I've also learned from your posts that you're always honest, which is refreshing.

The problem for me was the tone was… bizarre I guess. Perhaps twitter's character limit is to blame, but I read your tweet and honestly wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. It was very matter of fact, I didn't know what to think.

I also agree that the WI waiting period of 3 weeks is ridiculous but I chose not to reply at all. I didn't want to respond inappropriately if you were joking/serious etc. Effectively, instead of opening up the conversation, your tweet just shut it down for me.

I really do appreciate your honesty, which is another reason that I didn't reply. The last thing I want you to do is censor yourself. I just felt that this blog didn't address the core issue of mine – tone.

I think this brings to light one of the communication issues that things like twitter, IM's, and Texting have brought about. It is often difficult to communicate well within the confines of brevity. It took essentially thousands of characters to give necessary explanation to a 140 character tweet. People are so quick to overeact to simple statements about complicated situations (that's why politicians have foresaken eloquence for the 10 second sound bite). I'm hopeful that by taking the opportunity to better clarify, that some of folks that make knee jerk reactions have a better understanding, and understand don't fire with both barrels until you know the facts.

You go girl. Hang tough. Excellent post.

Yay, Planned Parenthood!

People, Wisconsin doesn't have a mandatory 3 week waiting period! Those of you outraged by this need to do some research (or read what Penelope wrote a bit more carefully). The problem is that Penelope does not want to pay for an abortion out of her own pocket…and since Planned Parenthood is the only abortion provider in WI that insurance is accepted, there is a long wait. If she was really desparate, she could spring for the abortion by paying for it.

Thank you! It's been driving me crazy that she misrepresented Wisconsin's abortion laws.

I think the Twitter was a little too cavalier. I thought you were kidding, actually. And, one thing to note, pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion. I think one of the paragraphs rings to that effect. I think life has circumstances and therefore we need more options. I am opposed to national or state policies that have rigteous beliefs at their core. That said, I am very pro-adoption, as that is my life plan. But to each their own.

My immediate family members are social workers who investigate child abuse daily. They are disgusted by the parents who treat their animals better than their children, a court system that is ready to give these parents numerous chances and the abuse circle throughout generations.

I don't know the answer to our own cruelty, but perhaps there is something to be said about options rather than sending a perfectly innoncent child into a household that does not want them.

Penelope,
I so enjoyed this blog. The bottom line–that "talk" helps bring things to light, give them power and allows for change–is so important.

It's not just abortions or miscarriages or other events–it's all events. I have a large number of female friends–some of us married, some single–and in talking about what we want from partners, dating, sex, etc. it's particularly liberating and empowering to be graphic.
One friend talked about exactly how a new man held her, what the sex was like, what her desires were and how they didn't line up.

Further, because she is a very empowered woman who also believes silence is a disease, she talked directly to her partner about this too. Though it took him by surprise, as a result of their very in depth, typically kept secret comments, their entire sex life has changed.

My ex and I had a great huge bed. He would come to bed with me and lie there until I fell asleep, then he'd go sleep in the guest room. We were both tall and liked to spread out. We enjoyed the closeness, but ended up often sleeping apart.
I felt ashamed of this until one day at a lunch with four women friends, another friend made a reference to her husband "in the other room" and revealed that they also slept in separate beds when it came time for truly sleeping. The third woman nodded and said she and her husband do it often. The fourth woman moaned and said "I only wish Dan and I had a guest room! We barely fit together in the bed, being able to spread out would be great!"
Just one conversation changed my mind about how I viewed my relationships! It was very freeing. I felt my relationship must be going wrong if we're both so comfortable not snuggling constantly like they do "on TV."
Talking about it with others openly revealed I'm not alone and, as is always the case, the definition of "normal" is flexible.

I also live in Wisconsin and empathize with your plight. Though I'm not a communist (and Dan, I work in government and happen to be a Ph.D., so that backwards comment was funny to me. You must have met all the wrong people!) I have also lived for some time in Alabama and find Wisconsin oddly liberating in terms of how people think and react. Our laws may have to catch up, but I find people seem willing to work on it.

"cheesebabe," it makes sense that you are a PhD and work in the government because most non MD PhD's have no additional value in the private sector and only the government would hire these people! For the record, I had the "joy" of working in WI state government for three years in Madison and found most liberals quite comfortable loafing around state government as they were the only beneficiaries of WI's high taxes, paid for by the private sector, of which is very small and not growing for obvious reasons.

Yes, the mentality in WI is backwards, is entitlement minded, and very narrow. If you're not an alcoholic, you won't like living there. If you aren't lazy and think the government is the answer to all your problems, that state is not for you. If never ending higher taxes and a business and family unfriendly environment is not attractive to you, WI is not for you.

My parents are from Ohio and I was born there and found it was "weird" that no one from your pathetic state actually came from there and people couldn't believe I didn't have "extended" family there, as if this were the 1950's and no one had ever left their home town, ever. Now that I live in the free and greener pastures of TN, where we aren't over policed to death and taxes are low and freedoms are high, I find out that WI and its Packer fans along with their mega guts are just @ss backwards.

Madison has some cool bike paths, but the winters are worse than Milwaukee and the job market is TINY.

Thanks but no thanks, not worth the price tag and the hassles!

I have a comment about your use of statistics to imply that you had less chance of getting pregnant than a 25-year-old using a condom.

A statistic about 42-year-old women does not mean every 42-year-old woman has the exact same likelihood of conceiving. You know that, but you imply that it does.

If you take a group of 42-year-old women who have had at least five previous pregnancies, as you have, the odds of conceiving are a hell of a lot higher than 5%.

Your statement could both discourage 42-year-old women who are trying to conceive, and encourage those trying NOT to conceive to skip their contraception.

Get your own calculator.

This is a good, thought-provoking post that is all but undermined by your original post about your previous abortions. Even though you didn't explicitly say it, I thought your post about your abortions ran dangerously close to saying that abortions aren't really necessary, so women shouldn't worry about them (and their diminishing legality.) It seems really disingenuous for you to now complain about the 3-week waiting period in Wisconsin (which I agree is ridiculous) when it seemed like your post about your abortions served to undermine the pro-choice ideology.

Thank you so much for this post. I've been reading your blog for a long time and have never commented… but I really respect your strength and determination, and how you write openly and honestly even in the face of such hatred.

I am outraged that it takes three weeks to get an abortion in Wisconsin. If I had to wait to three weeks– with the persistent 24 hour nausea and complete disinterest in anything but laying on the couch and sleeping– I would have lost my mind. Miscarriage– even at work– is not gross. Legislators who try to control women through paternalistic laws, however, is absolutely disgusting.

By WI state law there, is a 24-hour — NOT a 3-week — waiting period to get an abortion. Penelope explains this in the blog post. Apparently there is a 1.5-week wait to get a Planned Parenthood appointment, and another 1.5 week wait after that to have the abortion.

If she went somewhere other than Planned Parenthood, the timetable might well be different.

Penelope: Fair enough. Thanks for clarifying!

btw, I know you didn't ask, but after 3 birth control failures, I finally went for a copper IUD. No hormones, lasts 10 years. Not the right answer for everyone of course, but personally I love it.

God bless you for having the basic human decency to tell the truth.

And to everyone who thinks they have the right to tell strangers how they should feel–really? You really think that's your damn business? Get your own goddamn blog and leave women like Ms. Trunk the hell alone.

@bitchplnd Is it our business? Normally I'd say no but to be fair, Penelope did open it up for public discussion.

I'm outraged by WI's and other states abortion laws. You are utterly correct that women gain power and confidence by talking about gender issues. The people who wigged out about discussing a miscarriage are behaving like children. And, honestly, shouldn't they be accustomed to you sharing/over-sharing on your blog and twitter feed?! It's part of the reason why they're all reading!

Just followed you!

It surprises me that there are people who think they can tell others where it is or isn't appropriate for someone to express themselves. Oh, it shouldn't be on Twitter, oh it shouldn't be in your blog, oh, etc. etc.

Everyone complaining: YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT.

Read that again: YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT.

If you don't like it, don't read it. That's all there is to it. Your rights, in regard to what Penelope or anyone else in the entire world says or writes, extend as far as your ears alone. That's as far as you have any control and that's as far as you're allowed to go.

donated to planned parenthood today.

sorry you're having to go through this. even sorrier about all the vitriol spilling forth in the comments.

First, I thought the forthright *honesty* in both your tweet and this post was spot on. (and I'm following you on Twitter.)

Second, the *freaking nerve* of some of these comments. What are the ridiculous rules of feminine behavior that're on display here? Where is the empathy, at least? Jesus Christ, hearing the judgment from other women toward another woman who just had a miscarriage makes it so very very very difficult to keep calling myself feminist.

You critics and shamers deserve your freaking oppression.

Bravo.

Why are women's experiences taboo? Women's experiences are HUMAN EXPERIENCES.

Thank you for doing what you can to fight the shaming of women who dare to be human.

Being a man, it's nice to get this kind of information.
I think you are doing both sexes a big favor here.

Basically when people get told reality and they say "Oh, no, that's disgusting, that's unprofessional, that's… whatever their damn excuse" and want to revolt, it's a sign of ignorance and intolerance to education. Basically you imparted information, which a number of people were unaware of, and now a number of people want to censor that information. Well as a reader and citizen of the US, I say to them, "Shut the hell up". For one you are trampling to close to one of our Constitutional amendments for my taste. [Yes, I exaggerated and swung the pendulum really far]

Anyway, I'm just disgusted with the lack of education in the United States and the attitude of being proud of it (my digression). It's led to a number of continuing social and economic problems. (Take Wisconsin law as an example)

Penelope, as long as you impart knowledge and accurate information to me, I'll keep reading.

My problem isn't that she wrote about the topic. It's that she wrote about the topic to justify her own stupidity in making the tweet in the manner she did. Talking about miscarriages at work is a highly appropriate topic, one that deserves to be discussed. Women's reproductive issues in the workplace deserve to be discussed. Using such issues as a smokescreen to justify one's own stupidity in making a controversial post is disgusting.

Believe me, I used to be a teacher. I'm highly sympathetic to your disgust at the pride we take in ignorance. I even left the profession in large part because no one cares anymore about education. Unfortunately, this article wasn't about informing so much as justifying a poorly worded tweet made at an inappropriate time.

I once worked with a woman who was newly married and so excited about her pregnancy that she let people know about it right away. She miscarried a couple weeks later and the boss passed the news to people so we wouldn't make any ill-advised "So, have you picked out a baby name yet?" or "Looks like you're starting to show a little" remarks. Many of us were too reserved to go up to her and say "I'm so sorry," not wanting to intrude on her grief—but we also knew what was going on so we could give her space and not add to her stress.

Many of the blogs I follow are by women and have mostly female followings, so it amuses me to see men pouting here that they're not being catered to by this blog. The internet has plenty of other places where they'll feel right at home! Crikey.

For this post, I'm gonna START following you on Twitter. And say: Thank you for sharing this and for saying, without shame or hesitation, that the stuff of women's lives is always important and worthy of discussion, "comfort" be damned.

Thank you for talking about this so openly and honestly. Anyone who deems your posts about this topic as 'disgusting' should try to find a little maturity.

. Law. to kill by an act constituting murder.
5. to kill or slaughter inhumanely or barbarously.

I was deeply offended at Sonya's comments presumably to my comment about the right choice is to give the baby up for adoption. She referred to anti-choicers presumably me as an insult and put down. I have provided the dictionary definition of murder. As one who has years experience working in the medical field, I can tell you that abortion is death by inhumane and barbarous methods. They rip the baby apart limb from limb. Then the scrub nurse has to reassemble the baby and count the parts because if they missed anything, then the woman can die from septicemia.

I proudly call myself ANTI-CHOICE ON NUMEROUS ISSUES. I am ANTI-CHOICE to NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Assn) look it up. I am ANTi-CHOICE on rape and incest. I will stop anyone who is raping you. I am ANTI-CHOICE ON PEDOPHILIA. I am ANTI-CHOICE ON ROBBERY. I am ANTI-CHOICE ABOUT LETTING WOMEN PLAY GOD WITH UNBORN CHILDREN.

Would you tolerate putting an unwanted puppy down by ripping him apart limb from limb with no anesthetic? Even convicted murderers who get the death penalty are killed humanely. There is NOTHING MORE HIDEOUS THAN KILLING AN INNOCENT UNBORN CHILD BY DISMEMBERING AND NOT EVEN BOTHER TO USE ANY ANESTHETIC. Yet you bleeding heart liberals demand the right to commit this hideous crime.

THESE ARE THE FACTS, FACE THEM

Sir, then I presume that should I ever need one, that I can count on you give me one of your kidneys. If you don't, I will die, and it will be your fault.

This is about the level of argument you bring. Pregnancies take a serious toll on the female body. In the course of a pregnancy, a woman's abdominal muscles can be torn. She can go through temporary diabetes. Calcium will be leached from her bones, potentially leading to osteoporoses later in life. In some cases, damage to the uterus will occur making the woman infertile. I have two aunts that can no longer have children because of complications during the pregnancies. One of them had to have a hysterectomy. Then there is the process of child birth itself, which causes damage to the vagina, can damage the clitoris and other sexually related nerves, can damage the pelvis, and can still have life threaten complications for even a healthy woman.

It is simply inconvenient to be pregnant. We do not force people to donate blood, yet a woman should have to risk all of this. Given all of this, should I have any problems, I expect you to donate a kidney.

Thank you Anthony and Sonya!

John I dare you to take a year off from your cush job and go work as a social worker in an adoption agency catering to young children (who are not babies) – We'll see at the end of the year if your "bleeding heart" conservative views for unborn babies can still function after you see the abuse of thousands of unwanted children…who probably should have been aborted because their parents were deadbeats. You do a lot of shouting, but you choose to remain ignorant about other problems.

Sonya's quote:
They are always quibbling about the right to life, but I guess the right to a good life isn't really important. Just make sure they are born- then who cares what happens to them!

My sediments exactly…

I always donate to Planned Parenthood because they are the only viable alternative for many women seeking abortions and/or birth control.

To all the anti-choice folks out there, here is a post I nicked from the NYT. If you know the author please send it to me as I think it is one of the better pieces I have read recently on the debate:

"When the anti-choice people take some affirmative responsibility for the lives that they insist must come into being, then it will be easier to respect their position. ——- As it stands now, however, there are proportionally MORE abortions when anti-choice Republicans are in power than when pro-choice Democrats are. Why? Because the ‘liberal Democrats’ provide more intelligent support for birth control and information; more effective practical support for pregnant teens, unwed mothers, and young children; more acceptance of non-traditional homes that can still result in wonderful families. —– So if you are really concerned about those “little guys” who are you going to support? The folks that say the right words but let more of them die, or the ones that actually keep more of them alive? I’m sure God can understand the complexity and contradictions, even if you can’t."

For years I have been asking those on the anti-choice side "how many children have they adopted?" They need to put their money where their mouths are and adopt special needs and older children prior to protesting someone else's moral choice.

When there are no children waiting to be adopted then I think they will be able to protest abortion 24 hours a day, 7 days a week…but until then shut up and live the ~word~ you proport to follow.

Thank you for being so goddamned honest. You are so strong and awesome.

@Anthony, your breakdown on this issue, the toll pregnancy takes on a woman's body, is the best argument I've seen.

Because ti's so true, how can a fetus not able to survive on its own have greater rights than the already living woman who could actually die from the pregnancy?

You can only CHOOSE such a sacrifice to your body and life.

Thanks for that Anthony.

let's remember, when judging penelope for seeming callous, that everyone grieves in their own way. yes, she was relieved, obviously. but emotions are complex, and she may not show all of them to us all the time. for example, she kept the unwanted pregnancy a secret until now. also, she may not grieve right this second, but i'm sure at some point she will, in her own way
so cut her some slack, she's not a monster

There is the Double standard:

If a guy had twittered: "I am in a board meeting. I have an erection. I am glad I will be seeing my call girl later to relieve it."

Penelope would have been all over this about "how wrong he was to say this."

Another thing is that she needs to learn about using freaking birth control- not just for the birth control part but because of STD's.

Duh- smart woman with stupid choices.

From another woman very grateful that nature made the choice for her, "Thank-you."

I also rolled the dice and ended up pregnant and, while a college student and fighting a mild form of cancer, I was not sure I could even carry a healthy baby to term. Abortion was definitely at the forefront of my mind. When the miscarriage occurred I went on vacation and, in a peaceful sort of way, celebrated.

Had I gone much further I know I would have had to choose an abortion and no celebration of any sort would have taken place.

"Excuse me while I go make a donation to the National Right to Life."

Excuse me while I vomit.

I have the good sense not to read all the comments posted here. I have better things to do then watch a bunch of morons get indignant at a person's outlook on their situation or their attitude.

My aunt had a miscarriage. you know what? She hated the whole ordeal and was very upset over it. It was her right to be upset over it if she felt that way. It's her life and she Knows what she wants from it. End of story. Now how is this any different?

If I lost my eyesight I'd be devastated. My aspirations would be crushed. Still, that's just me, a musician might be less traumatized by the same injury. what right do I have to impose my view of such an injury on him? Then again if he broods over it, I'd still have no business telling him how to feel. Especially if he is a stranger to me. If I don't like what he is feeling then I avoid him. Feelings (or lack thereof) are not opinions. They're not up for debate.

…At least, not if you're a man.

One more observation, this country is so intolerant of pregnancy, and raising children. I mean, 6 weeks after you give birth you need to be back at work?? In Canada you get a year. Maybe if our society was more supportive- there would be less abortions or people considering it. Perhaps, instead of attacking people for their choices in dealing with this society we live in, we can make a better place so that people are more apt to make the choices that we deem better. Find a solution, instead of attacking people for dealing with life the way they think is best. Make this country more conducive to having kids/ being able to raise them/ being able to afford to raise them…

Sonya… I can't say enough how much i agree with you. I'm the mother of a toddler and currently pregnant, and it is appalling, absolutely appalling the way pregnancy and subsequent child birth is treated in the business world. On a personal level, everyone is nice and accommadating. On a professional level – i'm terrified for my job. I'm a low-level admin – aka extremely replaceable, and while I work very hard to stand out, I'm afraid of the day that will come when my family demands conflict once too often with my professional life. Turning a blind eye to the reality of a female body and the demands of motherhood does no one any favors. High ranking women in my company face enormous pressure to work long hours to stay ahead, and silently lament the things in their childrens lives they are missing. I have seen too many well-paid high level women struggle under this pressure, and many ultimately break. Instead of shouting about the lives of unborn children and the hardships those barely-alive creatures face, perhaps we ought to turn our attention to the hardships of women and children already here. Having a child is usually a choice, and one could say working women should take that into consideration. But how is it fair or even logical for a woman to choose between her career and her children?

Wow! Talk about coincidental timing. I just put up a blog today about peepers and how some bloggers get slammed by their readers, over certain comments. It's unfortunate, Penelope, that some people reacted the way they did. I find that the level of tolerance in America is quickly sliding, as viewed by a Canadian who's travelled many times south of the border. Call us Canucks boring or whatever, but there's a greater willingess to accept others' viewpoints. People need to chill out a little and stop hyperventilating when they read or hear something that clashes with their value system.

You have been accidentally pregnant 3 SEPARATE TIMES in your life, and not taken steps to change your birth control behavior?

I am 100% pro choice–but your refusal to take responsibility for these repeated "accidents" leaves me breathless.

I'm with Jim et al on this one.

Man. Abortion's a personal issue, but your approach to it is pretty gross. I don't think most people are upset about your choice, Penelope. I think most people are upset about your attitude toward it and your unborn baby. It shows a tremendous lack of respect, both for you and the baby.

And, seriously, you've been through this before. You didn't learn then? When WILL you figure out birth control? Get on the pill, have him wear condoms – BOTH at the same time, if you're obviously so fertile. It just seems that there's some extreme irresponsibility going on here. In other words, grow the hell up. This isn't a game, but you are playing with lives.

I don't understand how people can be upset about a "callous" tone of a tweet regarding anything having to do with said author's body. Any woman is entitled to have any feelings she wants to about her body and her pregnancies and should express them in any format she wishes. Telling a woman how to feel about her miscarriage, that she should choose her format respectfully, even from the pro-choice folks on here, is deeply disturbing.

Also I am disturbed by many of the younger women posters chastising her tone, format of expression, and the fact that she wanted a miscarriage. Why is this so provocative?

Where have all the young feminists gone?

Ami, you seem to be under the impression that the abortion happens to the mother. I'm not getting all pro-life here, but it's a fact: the abortion happens to the fetus. It is a choice the mother makes. She should have at least SOME respect for the life that she created within her. Penelope's attitude, whether it be her form of grieving or whatever, is callous, gross, disturbing, mean, nasty, and any other negative word that has been used by others on here. There is nothing else about it.

Penelope could have used her tweet and later post about the subject to be something positive about the experience, to enlighten people, but this is what we get: a mean, gross, disturbing, upsetting rant. If women want respect for the entirety of your "experience" then maybe being more tactful about it might be in order. This approach is only going to turn people away.

Tom- don't you have anything better to do than trolling around a feminist blog looking for a fight?
You are such a patronizing patriarch, we might just find your picture by the definition in Webster's.

Thank you for posting about this. I admire you for opening up a discussion about miscarriage and the workplace. Too often we are asked not to be "people" at work.

Also, a three week wait is appalling.

No one is allowed to be "people" at work. We're "employees." Maybe among coworkers that we're particularly close with we're allowed to be "people" but with everyone else, we're just "other employees" and they don't really give a crap about anything other than that whatever we do doesn't affect them – and that's how it should be. Penelope bringing her miscarriage issues to light at work would be akin to a man walking around yelling "oh my prostate!" all day. Do you care? Should you care? Unless that coworker is your friend, no. You leave your issues at home, and those you can't leave at home, you make them as transparent as possible at work. You are all acting like only women have issues. Everyone has issues. Penelope and her miscarriage is no different than the dude in the cube next to you who's getting a divorce. No one but friends need to know about these things. Penelope does all of this – ALL of this – because she thrives on the attention.

Everyone has issues. Penelope and her miscarriage is no different than the dude in the cube next to you who's getting a divorce.

Exactly.

No one but friends need to know about these things.

Could Not Disagree More. The dude going through the divorce is just as entitled to a bit of acknowledgement/understanding that he's in a hard place and maybe is a bit grumpier/sadder/quieter than usual because of it and that this is OK and he doesn't have to wear the Office Social Mask in front of everyone just to be a team player.

Being "professional" should not be about becoming some asocial automaton.