My company is running out of money again. Well, really, it already happened. But it’s happened so many times that I am sort of used to it. It's a routine. You may recall that part of the routine is not paying my electric bill. But there is more.
1. Focus on something you can control.
You might have noticed that my blog posts are very frequent right now. It’s a way to cope with the funding drama. I have so much control over my blog. And if I obsess over the traffic statistics then I have that crack-head feeling of immediate feedback, and it feels good, and even if half the people are telling me how much they hate me: Traffic is traffic.
Another part of the out-of-funding routine is fighting with Ryan. When I am totally focused on running the company, and I’m not worried about payroll, then things go smoothly and Ryan and I have great conversations about the future of social media and the future of resumes and where we fit.
When we run out of money, Ryan and I focus on our cycle of miscommunication: I say something rude that I don’t know is rude. Ryan gets defensive because he isn’t able to say, “That’s rude. Please don’t talk like that.” I have no idea why he is defensive, he just sounds like he’s up in arms about nothing to me, because if I knew I had been rude in the first place, I would not have been, so of course I don’t know. And when he is up in arms, I yell back. And then he says that I am impossible to deal with because I’m rude and I yell.
So we did that fight routine last week at least twice. I lost count. But I know that the first time, Ryan said, “You know what? Sometimes I hate you so much I have to restrain myself from punching you.”
My jaw dropped. I did not expect him to say that. And then I said, “I feel the same way about you.”
The second time, Ryan Paugh yelled out from his office, “Shut up! Both of you shut up!” And we did. (Though I think Ryan Paugh felt like it was hopeless that we might actually stop, so he took a walk to the coffee shop.)
2. Take time to talk about what's still going well.
So today I sort of kept to myself except that I had to go meet a board member to talk about the funding. The board member, Erik, is so fun to visit because he has this huge, stable company, and this gorgeous lair where he has an office and a secretary and a shiny deep-brown meeting table that my papers slide across while we figure out how to keep my company running. Erik is a great board member for a lot of reasons, but maybe the most important is that he’s so stable. Brazen Careerist needs a lot of things, but really, it needs stability.
But before I go into the board meeting, I remember that I have been named one of the top 30 women running Internet companies.
I call Ryan Healy. He says, “What is that site? I’ve never heard of them.”
I have not heard of them either. But the women on the list are amazing. Arianna Huffington, Caterina Fake, Michelle Malkin. I am happy to be there.
There is one more good thing about today. Flowers. Another bouquet. From a blog reader. I think he might be in love with me. But whatever. He leaves great comments, and now he sent flowers, and the flowers make me happy. They make me want to sit at my desk and write one more blog post.
3. Accept help, but continue to exhibit your strengths.
After my meeting, it’s 2:30 p.m. — Violin time. I leave to do school pickup, and Business Week calls. It’s a conundrum. Should I talk to Business Week and be late? Or should I risk that Business Week uses a different source because I was unavailable?
I take the call. I try to summarize all my ideas about intergenerational offices in five minutes, and I try to hide sort of out of the way of my son’s view, but he sees me. The rest of the call is about me getting off the call.
I buy my son his favorite after-school snack: Gatorade and KitKats. I tell myself it’s an example of optimistic spending that only a top-30 entrepreneur would do.
We go to the violin lesson and I want to tell you I love violin, but I don’t. I love the idea of the Suzuki program for violin. It teaches self-discipline, and perseverance, and working well in a group. I love that my son is getting all this, and he’s so proud and works so hard, and I love the teacher.
But look. I’m out of money in my company and that’s really all I have to think about for the half-hour they practice for his group recital. I am getting anxious about maybe not getting funding and I’m biting my nails.
Not biting sort-of-casually biting. But biting like I would imagine a serial killer does when he is trying to distract himself from thinking about the badness. Like, biting with way too much enthusiasm. And on top of this, I really really like my son’s violin teacher and I worry that she is going to see me biting like a crazy person and not want to be my son’s teacher.
And then I don’t have to worry about the biting anymore, because he is unfocused and too squirmy, so I scream at him: “Put the violin under your arm and take a bow!”
Has that ever been yelled at a child? It’s not normal. I know. And I know he is just anxious for his recital. The violin teacher gets very nice after that. To compensate for me being a psycho: This is how we are a team.
There is an hour break before the dress rehearsal. We go to the bagel shop for a snack. I have already prepared myself mentally for this snack. Normally, if I am having a bad day, I will have four bagels. But then I would be fat. Really. Four bagels can do that to you. They are like sponges in your stomach. So I told myself no bagels. Not even one, which would be okay, if I could actually eat only one.
To cope, I check my email. There is a note about me talking to CBS. I call them while my son is in the bathroom. They want to do a story about how Gen Y and Gen X don’t get along.
I tell the guy from CBS that I manage five people in their 20s and they would all be happy to talk about why I’m annoying. The CBS guy is shocked. I give him Ryan Healy’s phone number. Things go very well, of course. I know what I can count on Ryan for.
4. Hold things together, of course. But be okay if you can't.
After my son has eaten two bagels, he is not chatty. So I look through my purse for something to do. I find the form for signing him up for classes to help him stay organized. By the time I am done filling it out we are late for the rehearsal and he tells me that I am unorganized.
I help him get his recital clothes on in the bagel bathroom, and we are not the last people to arrive. We wait. I take my son to get his violin tuned and his teacher says, “Black bottom.”
I say, “Huh?” Then I say, “Oh. Shit. I can’t believe it.”
There are 100 kids ready to play their violins and only one of those kids is wearing khaki bottoms: My son.
Luckily, the violin teacher reads my blog, so this is not a huge surprise to her. And we acknowledge that I do have a second chance to get it right since this is only the dress rehearsal.
I almost cry. But I tell myself that if I’m not going to cry about running out of money in two days, then I'm not going to cry about khaki pants. I tell myself to focus on being a top-30 entrepreneur: Success does not come in a linear fashion.
My son and I wait for the teacher to call his group. And I am trying hard to not get blood on his shirt. Because his shirt is actually the proper shirt to be wearing, and my fingers are actually bleeding from aggressive bites.
So I am really overwhelmed now, between the violins and the fashion faux-pas and the blood, and then an investor calls. Yes. In the middle of violin even though I am certain that every investor I talk to knows that I am with the kids in the afternoon because they all bitch about it in a subtle way like, “Oh, that’s great,” with body language like, “She is fucked.”
So I ignore the investor's call because on my death bed I don’t want to remember the day I took a call during my kid’s dress rehearsal.
The teacher calls groups to the stage by the piece of music they are playing: "Allegro! Gavotte! Song of the Wind!" It looks like The Price is Right for the cultural elite, and the kids are walking up, nodding to their teacher as they go.
Each kid has a teacher there, except for my son, who has two. Because this program is really about the parent teaching the child and the teacher teaching the parent and the child and parent bonding through music. And that ended for us the time I got so frustrated that I broke my son’s bow. Well, actually, the fourth time. So now we have two teachers. And when investors want to know why my salary is not the same as all those god-forsaken 22-year-old guys that Y Combinator funds, I want to say, “You try running a startup and teaching your kid violin. Violin lessons cost way more when you are running a startup.”
Okay. So there are 100 kids together on the stage playing. And it’s stunning to see.
For a minute I forget that I am running a company that is running out of money.
All the parents in the audience are motionless; those tiny violins all together sound like a chorus of angels.
My son comes back to me in the audience when he’s done. I say, “I’m so proud of you for working so hard.”
He says, “Are you proud of me for playing perfect notes?”
I say, “No. You don’t need to be perfect. You need to just keep trying every day to be your best. And you are doing that. You should be happy for yourself.”
And he says, “You are trying to be your best every day, too, Mommy. You don’t need to have everything be right. You should be happy for yourself.”
I cry.









You break my heart, in a good way.
Posted by Eleanora Fagan on 05/15/2009 at 07:49am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Mine too! I'd donate if you throw a paypal button up somewhere!
Posted by styleosophy on 05/15/2009 at 06:09pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
What can I (and others) do to help? Seriously. Let me know.
Posted by Joe Fusco on 05/15/2009 at 07:52am | permalink | Reply to this comment
It's nice that you guys care so much. Thank you. You know what? I adore this blog. I love writing for it, and I love the comments section, and I love the people I meet through the blog. Every day I feel lucky that my blog is going so well. So all of you do that for me. Really. And thank you.
Penelope
Posted by Penelope Trunk on 05/15/2009 at 10:58pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Seriously P, throw up a donation page or paypal fund! I have a $20 with your name on it!
- Sammy
Posted by Acne on 05/16/2009 at 03:18am | permalink | Reply to this comment
250k at a startup, that cant be right. if so no wonder the company has no cash, stop paying yourself like you work for google.
Posted by Hasan Luongo on 2009-06-01 16:49:52 | (Comments wont nest below this level)
Penelope pays herself $250,000 a year and lives in Wisconsin. Somehow I think she will be just fine. If anything, we should chip in to get her a personal assistant and a financial planner. Or maybe a professional organizer.
-BC blogger
Posted by Brazen blogger on 05/19/2009 at 04:08pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I cried too !
A virtuoso piece that was as beautiful for us to read as it was for you to hear your son's violin playing.
Thank you for choosing blogging and not bageling as release. We can enjoy the blog, we get no benefit from bagels!
Posted by Sally on 05/15/2009 at 08:05am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I have had your blog on my reader ever since I started following the Brazen Careerist website, and I've got to admit the last month or so I haven't been all that interested in your posts. I've read them cause, let's be real, you are a brilliant writer and have a way of seeing the young professional world that pushes people outside their box to think about things. But I haven't enjoyed it.
Today, I read this post, and I remembered why I love reading your blog again. You made a niche in the blogging community being able to observe the young professional world, offer insightful business knowledge, and yet still maintain a piece of your writing that made your readers connect to YOU. No longer were you some over-reaching voice on CNN or Money, you were Penelope Trunk, a human who went thru the same things the rest of us do. It's good to see a post like this that brings you back to that, though I'm deeply sorry that you had to experience this particular episode to do it.
Posted by Elisa on 05/15/2009 at 08:14am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Everything will be OK, you will see (:
Posted by Dmitri on 05/15/2009 at 08:18am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Joe's right, Penelope. What can your loyal readers do to help Brazen? For all of the great posts and conversations here, I would gladly donate a little cash to the cause. And if there are other things your legions of readers can do, let us know. We're listening.
Beautiful post to start a Friday morning!
Posted by Jenn S. on 05/15/2009 at 08:23am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow, what an amazing post.
Your son is so beautiful for saying that to you at the end. Thank you for sharing a small insight of your relationship with him.
As others have said please let us know what we can do to help.
Posted by Gerty on 05/15/2009 at 08:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
And he says, “You are trying to be your best every day, too, Penelope. You don’t need to have everything be right. You should be happy for yourself.”
AMEN – Really, we all should!
Posted by Jesper L Ottosen on 05/15/2009 at 08:46am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wishing you good luck with the whole "running out of money" thing. I've been in that boat quite a few times lately…but somehow am always able to pull out something cool at the end (I haven't resorted to selling my kidney (yet)).
The funny thing about this story is that I have so been the kid in the Violin recital (albeit it was chorus…but that's splitting hairs). Showing up with the wrong outfit and being relatively unprepared on a surface level. Here's the thing: as long as you kick ass and have a good level of understanding from those involved you are golden. Khakis? Who cares. I just hope you son played a mean recital :).
Posted by Stuart Foster on 05/15/2009 at 08:48am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Great post.
Posted by Carol Saha on 05/15/2009 at 09:06am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, I'm telling you–you need to not take your own advice and write a book. Look at Ayelet Waldman–her book "Bad Mother" is on the NYT bestseller list after one week. I haven't read it yet but I'm sure she's got nothing on you in terms of writing–she is, in fact, a lot like you. The whole reason her book is on the bestseller list is because she wrote an essay about how she loved her husband more than she loves her kids. Landed her on Oprah. You can write as well–or better than–her and you have the connections and know how to sell yourself. She even got to be in Obama's poetry slam the other night.
You could write a book about motherhood and every mom would buy it because people like to read books about women who are worse moms than they are because it makes them feel better about themselves. Then you could start a blog network for bad mom bloggers.
I'm so not a business person but it seems like that would be a good money-maker; big companies would pay big money to advertise to moms.
If it makes you feel any better, you're a better mom than I am because I would never sign my kid up for voilin lessons because I would forget to make him practice and I hate sitting through recitals.
Posted by Maggie on 05/15/2009 at 09:19am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Damn you. I told myself I wasn't going to cry today.
I really need your son to come over and say that to me today. But your blogpost will have to do.
Thanks.
Posted by Lane Ellen on 05/15/2009 at 09:31am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I have subscribed to your posts but still I cant keep myself coming back here and check for new posts even before the subscription copy falls into my mailbox.
I ran out of money in October 2008 and had to shut down the company. I was far more disorganized than anyone else in the world. I hope this doesnt happen to you.
All the best.
And hey! Congrats on being among the TOP 30. How does it feel being there? :)
Posted by Shadab Malik on 05/15/2009 at 09:32am | permalink | Reply to this comment
This is the best blog I read. I'm glad you're posting a lot right now. This post was one of your best in awhile. The whole thing made me want to cry, but especially your son. He sounds like a great kid.
Good luck getting your investors lined up. Things will work out. Even if the company doesn't work out in the long run, you'd have the Penelope Trunk brand to fall back on – and that has a great deal of value.
Posted by Todd @ The Personal Finance Playbook on 05/15/2009 at 09:38am | permalink | Reply to this comment
This reminds me how much I really hate the out of money death-sprial. Next week will be better.
Posted by Alicia on 05/15/2009 at 09:40am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope:
This is brilliant. Authentic, vulnerable, and real. Please keep these stories coming on your startup progress. You're telling such a great story here. I only hope you can cope with the anxiety and stress you seem to be having. Have you tried meditation?
Posted by Ryan on 05/15/2009 at 09:47am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I cry too, Penelope. I don't even have kids, but I totally get that breathless, barely holding it together feeling that just seems to be life for people with jobs and families and the aspiration to "get it right."
Posted by Blondie on 05/15/2009 at 09:55am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I think you're coping very well given all the start-up stress, fairly recent divorce, and responsibilities of being a good Mom. A lot of business and personal stress to say the least. Thank you for sharing your touching relationship with your son and his violin lessons even if a bow or two is broken is the process. While your son may point out you are not organized, your priorities regarding time spent with your children vs. taking an investor call during a violin rehearsal or whatever are spot on. I think he's acquiring your good humor and both of you make a good team.
I especially liked the last few sentences of this post and most notably – "I say, “No. You don’t need to be perfect. You need to just keep trying every day to be your best. And you are doing that. You should be happy for yourself.” because it reminded me of what my parents told me and what I think is the 'perfect' answer.
I also think you have an amazing network of co-workers, friends, mentors, and supporters that will see you and your startup through this current dilemma of cash flow. My advice – use them and accept their help where it makes sense. You'll probably experience some more nail biting episodes but you'll get through it because you are resilient.
Posted by Mark W. on 05/15/2009 at 09:58am | permalink | Reply to this comment
This is the first post about your work-life issues that has made me feel sympathetic to you. The life part, that is. I would never want to work for or with you.
It's clear that you're overwhelmed, and that's because you're doing too much. Some of that cannot be avoided. But some of it can. A lot of this is your choice, so continuing to be overwhelmed is also your choice. (Are you sure this is the right time for a startup like this, for example? I mean, the right time for you?)
Your son sounds lovely. Congratulations.
Posted by KateNonymous on 05/15/2009 at 10:11am | permalink | Reply to this comment
You should take the time to listen to your son more often. Kids find the inner beauty in everything.
Posted by prklypr on 05/15/2009 at 10:49am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Best story ever. I don't even have kids and it still makes me want to cry.
Posted by Ian on 05/15/2009 at 10:51am | permalink | Reply to this comment
P:
Do you like your life?
Posted by Rich H on 05/15/2009 at 10:55am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Your son is so insightful because he's learned it from you! In the interest of some sort of pep talk, the big picture is that your son sounds like he's growing up to be a wonderful and insightful person and that's because of you!
And if that tidbit didnt help, I know I've atleast contributed to your traffic stats!
All the best!
Posted by Melanie on 05/15/2009 at 11:00am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I've enjoyed your more frequent posting schedule and I really appreciate your honesty about this issue. I look forward to hearing about how you come through this latest challenge.
Posted by Natalie on 05/15/2009 at 11:13am | permalink | Reply to this comment
It was touching. Your is indeed amazing.
But…
Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why did you intentionally choose to create a work environment that would be so unstable financially and emotionally? Something is going to blow up in your face, more than just khaki pants.
Posted by Susan on 05/15/2009 at 11:15am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Benefits to having my job:
1. I make my own hours.
2. I can be with my kids as much as I want to. I pick my kids up most days. I'm home for dinner most days.
3. I choose who I work with.
4. I meet really interesting people all the time.
5. I get to focus on ideas, trends, strategy and writing. All things I love.
I could get another job pretty easily. This is the one I choose. Each day.
If I wrote about how much I love my life, no one would believe me. People do not love or not love their life. Life is hard for everyone. We keep getting up each morning because we love the challenges of life.
We all try to create a life that is good for us. There are no right answers. Only honest discussions.
-Penelope
Posted by Penelope Trunk on 05/15/2009 at 11:28am | permalink | Reply to this comment
What your son said was so sweet that I teared up a little. That is really just precious. Good luck!
Posted by Anne on 05/15/2009 at 11:33am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Okay, do me a favour, put a donate button on your main page. Min. donation 1$. Paypal. So you can keep blogging.
(sorry didn't get to read the whole post yet, my job just went crazy)
Posted by ioana on 05/15/2009 at 11:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
You may have noticed this, but your kid is AWESOME.
Posted by JenniferP on 05/15/2009 at 11:39am | permalink | Reply to this comment
My mom broke a number of my bows when I was learning with the Suzuki method. One bow she broke by hitting me with it. Suzuki is really hard on the mother, I think. You have all this responsibility, but very little control. My own kids are learning piano, with a lovely teacher who insists that parents be out of the room for the lesson and who has the children take responsibility for practicing. On the other hand, Suzuki is great for developing the child's ear. And I promise, by the second half of Book 2, the child gets more independent and it gets easier. (Unless you're there already, in which case I'd give it another year.)
Posted by Erica on 05/15/2009 at 11:40am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Love love love your honesty. Thank you for sharing! Looking forward to reading how things turn around.
Chin up, girl… xx
Posted by Dee on 05/15/2009 at 11:48am | permalink | Reply to this comment
"I almost cry. But I tell myself that if I’m not going to cry about [an intensely amazing relationship coming to an abrupt halt after nearly 3 years], then I'm not going to cry about [having to reschedule a surgery that I'm actually really looking forward to]. I tell myself to focus on [my Spa being named Best of State this week]: Success does not come in a linear fashion."
This is why I thoroughly enjoy reading. I can insert my own life into your sentences, and it fits perfectly. And when my daughter told me yesterday, 'Mom, I just want you to be happy, no matter what,' I cried too.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Posted by Sari on 05/15/2009 at 11:51am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Great insight from the kiddo. Can't beat those perfectly-timed, perfectly-worded moments that bring you back to a better way of thinking.
Posted by Heather on 05/15/2009 at 12:17pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I wonder how reader responses might differ if Penelope were a single dad?
Posted by Hope on 05/15/2009 at 12:23pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
For me, at least, pretty much the same. I know my feelings about working for her would be the same if she were a man.
Posted by KateNonymous on 05/15/2009 at 05:13pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I don't know that you're necessarily looking for advice from blog readers, but I figure that while an outside perspective may not help, it can't hurt.
It just sounds like getting investor funding can take a lot of time and gives uneven rewards. Is that the only way you're gathering funds? I thought you were using consulting to fund your company. Maybe there are other options to help funding as well. I'm not very familiar with Brazen Careerist, but perhaps there is the potential for both a regular and a premium subscription, which you could charge for.
I hope you find a way to break out of this crazy cycle of scrambling for funds.
Posted by Matt Secor on 05/15/2009 at 12:25pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope,
I'm all teary eyed after reading this post. Thanks so much for being so honest. Good luck to you and your company. I have a very young child with a full time job and it's just so hard at times. I love your posts about career, parenting and dating…and I hope you are working on a next book about these subjects. I will pray that you get funding because I enjoy your posts so much. Thanks :)
Posted by Grace on 05/15/2009 at 12:52pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
It sounds like this idea of a business during the Obama economy when no one is hiring is a bad idea. Just give up on it and call it a day. The writing is on the wall. I can't imagine how someone can go on being honest with themselves with just a bunch of mind numbed followers and no one being honest with them.
How can you be your best when no one points out what you are doing wrong?
Posted by Dan on 05/15/2009 at 02:41pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ooh. You love your little guy, don't you just.
Posted by LPC on 05/15/2009 at 02:49pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
"God bless Us, Every One!"
Posted by William Bruce on 05/15/2009 at 06:38pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
All of the commenters who are encouraging Penelope to pull the plug now have me wondering. Penelope explained to Susan why she has chosen this path, but, seriously, P, what would have to happen for you to shut down the company and say, "I gave it my best, but it wasn't meant to be"? Is the answer to forge on forever, or as long as the VC's come through for you? Under what circumstances would you close up shop?
My husband is operating a business that is losing money and cannot provide him a salary. It's a scary time for us, too, and I have had many moments like what you've described. We don't know what would make us shut down, but I'm really afraid that decision won't be ours – that it will be made for us at some point. I don't know what would be worse.
Posted by eliz on 05/15/2009 at 07:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope,
Really nice post. I know the main point wasn't about Suzuki violin, but I can't resist saying I'm in that very same adventure/challenge right now with my daughter (age 6). Being her Suzuki practice parent has mirrored all my own faults back to me, and I swear it has given me the courage to face them like nothing else. It is one of the hardest, and most rewarding, things we've done together thus far. Major bonding experience!!
Hang in there with what matters most – I'm routing for you.
Posted by Amy on 05/15/2009 at 07:16pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You are often blogging about what a bad mother you are, but you must be doing something right to have a kid with that kind of empathy. I say, don't quit, hang in there!
Posted by Laura on 05/15/2009 at 07:25pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Once in a while, a child will say something to make you think, laugh or feel better. It's lovely, precious and most of all true.
Posted by Tyrone on 05/15/2009 at 10:04pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
My previous posts have been always been critical but this post was brilliant writing and story-telling. I've got a one year old and after reading this, I can only ponder what I will inflict on him.
I would miss Brazen Careerist if it went under.
Posted by Deadhedge on 05/15/2009 at 10:19pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I love reading your posts when you get personal and vulnerable. It transforms your writing style. Like you change from Penelope in pressed dark suit with reading glasses on the edge of her nose to Penelope who just stopped by say hello and vent. I love both, but the latter makes your "real" to me.
Posted by Amber Warren on 05/15/2009 at 11:09pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
you hit on all cylinders for me – yelling at innocent kids, being not quite organized to support them, running out of money, constantly split focus and what's worse – an intense guilt that I haven't been giving my kids music lessons. oy! its amazing – mother child love is unlike any other.
Posted by deb on 05/16/2009 at 06:27am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Put up the PayPal button. RealClearPolitics.com needed money early on and asked for donations (I contributed). They went on to become one of the country's leading political blogs and were widely publicized during the presidential campaign. I think they're fully self-supporting with ads now.
Posted by Alan on 05/16/2009 at 08:26am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I woke today with a pit in my stomach because my daughter has her violin recital this afternoon and hasn't practiced all week. At every violin recital no one remembers the 13th time a student nailed 'Minute 3'. They remember the student who confused the low 2's and high 2's so just played middle two's and barely made it through the piece. Right now, I am more worried that will be my daughter than I am about next Tuesday's presentation with the VP of my company and 100 of our best customers that I've been prepping for all week instead of making my daughter practice. Your post made reminded me that it will all be OK.
Thank you.
Posted by ka on 05/16/2009 at 09:52am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Brava!
Posted by Gary on 05/16/2009 at 10:33am | permalink | Reply to this comment
"Success does not come in a linear fashion." I love that line…
"And he says, 'You are trying to be your best every day, too, Mommy. You don’t need to have everything be right. You should be happy for yourself.'" Out of the mouths of babes…
Good post.
~ Scott
Posted by Scott Woodard on 05/16/2009 at 10:39am | permalink | Reply to this comment
That's a smart kid you've got there P. You do, of course, know where he gets it from, right?
You know things are tough, perhaps impossibly so. But you also know you've been here before and got through it.
You'll do it again, and you'll be just fine. If we all trust you, you should too.
Posted by Steve Errey - The Confidence Guy on 05/16/2009 at 11:15am | permalink | Reply to this comment
This is another example of why I like kids better than adults.
Posted by principalspage on 05/16/2009 at 12:16pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
@ka: "I'am more worried that will be my daughter than I am about next Tuesday's presentation with the VP of my company and 100 of our best customers that I've been prepping for all week instead of making my daughter practice."
I don't have kids, but studied piano when I was one and your comment struck me as odd. Do you think it is your responsibility to "make" your daughter practice? My parents sat down with me to explain that they were making a big investment in the instrument and classes, and expected in return that I did my part, practicing and being punctual to my classes. I knew what my responsibility was, and learned from the consequences when I failed to practice. It would never enter their minds (nor mine) that they should feel guilty when I didn't put forward my best effort.
Posted by p.a. on 05/16/2009 at 08:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
The reason why it'll all work out is because who you are about it all is "This shall be". That's enough. As anyone who lives in a world called "Your word creates your world." It's just so great that you share your humanity with us, it's what has us love you more each time we get a post from Penelope Trunk (yaay :)
I love your blog, love your authenticity, wish I could do it just like you!
You blog inspires me to write better posts on my blog.
xo
Maria
Posted by Maria Killam on 05/16/2009 at 09:17pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Your son is right…amazing, huh?
Posted by jgibbjr on 05/16/2009 at 11:01pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow, I get it. I have been there many times in my life. I had to close a business, lost alot of money and felt like a real failure. At the same time, my two kids were in Suzuki for Piano – I thought I was going to go crazy listening to those tapes over and over to help them learn the songs. Then the songs almost became a mantra for me as they played through my head over and over again.
As I read your blog I wanted to help. One of the big things I tell my clients to do is Breathe. Breathe intentionally and deeply as many times a day as you remember to do it. I tell clients to put a B on their computer, a B on their mirror, B on their hand so that we can do this frequently throughout our day.
Imagine your breath going into your solar plexus, half way between the belly button and rib cage. Breathe into that area for the count of 5, pause and then out for the count of 5. Do this 2-3 times. By focusing your attention into your body, you start to decrease the mind chatter that works so much against you. Our mind chatter is often very self abusive and self defeating. When we learn how to quiet it down, we find answers for us that come from our inner wisdom of which we have lots. I have more "in the moment" tools on my blog and website.
Way to go for being real and speaking with such an authentic voice. As you make your way through these challenges, know that you have a lot of inner wisdom that wants to help you through this. The key is quieting down your mind long enough so that the inner voice has a chance to be heard. Take care and keep writing. It is delightful. Thanks for sharing. Gerrianne
Posted by Gerrianne on 05/17/2009 at 11:22am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow. I have been there so many times. I loved this post – thank you very much for being yourself and letting me know that I'm not the only mom in the world who has days where I can't stay on top of it all!
Posted by Jenn R on 05/17/2009 at 12:29pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Sorry, but I don't get why you're still against advertising on your blog. You need money, don't you?
Posted by annick on 05/17/2009 at 01:32pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Top 30 in a list compiled by some guy with a keyboard. Tell me you don't take this stuff seriously.
And while I like PT's writing, I think her business sense isn't all that hot. Her self-promotion sense is great.
Posted by Bart on 05/17/2009 at 04:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope Trunk – the mommy blogger for working moms; phooey on the top 30. Next year – Time Magazine's Top 25 Blogs. Investors eat your heart out.
Have you seen all the Gen X headlines lately – Time Magazine – When Gen X Runs the Show and a guest column in the Boston Globe and the Indiana Governor addressing Gen Y and putting a smackdown on his Baby Boomer Generation.
Posted by jenx67 on 05/17/2009 at 09:05pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I want to say 2 things.
1. You insulted any awards for women only as sexist or stupid or something like that before, because you think women should not be judged differently or grouped together. You were so wrong, but then how come this new top 30 female internet thing didn't piss you off? And your picture next to your ranking looks very different.
2. I have played the violin for over 10 years, though not using the suzuki method. I have to say the reason why I absolutely excelled at the beginning is because my mom was with me every step of the way, so keep up with that. Then my mother went away (grad school) for a year and my violin lessons totally dropped and I was never the same again. So don't think at some point your kid will be okay without you after he has reached certain skill level.
Posted by NYC Memories on 05/18/2009 at 12:44am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I studied Suzuki for years and my mom definitely yelled at me about how i took a bow and what my posture was like. I vividly remember violin practices where my mom probably shifted some of her anger about other things onto my posture and intonation…so no worries Penelope, you are not alone on that…
Posted by Priyanka on 05/18/2009 at 07:10am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I LOL'd* at the list of thirty. It wasn't so much the list itself, but rather the summary/bios.
Hoping the formatting holds, here are are handful of comments that made me chuckle:
"Although she hasn’t got a pet herself, attracts 100,000s of visitors daily to her cute animal blog."
"Marcotte shot to fame when John Edwards asked her to run the presedential blog."
"Founder of an Award-Winning Web Site since 1994, Erin is a Internet entrepreneur veteran."
"Elaine co-founded Meebo, a instant messaging service you use in your browser."
* Should it be L'dOL, since what I "laughed out loud", not "laugh out louded"?
Posted by Huck Finn on 05/18/2009 at 08:53am | permalink | Reply to this comment
The irony is not lost on me – I had typos, too. The difference is I'm just offering random comments, not assembling lists of Internet entrepreneurs.
Hoping the formatting holds, here are are handful of comments that made me chuckle:
Are-dee are are!!
* Should it be L'dOL, since what I "laughed out loud", not "laugh out louded"?
Since what? What since, clearly!
Posted by Huck Finn on 05/18/2009 at 08:56am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Great post – I'd laugh a lot more often if I didn't feel that your out-of-control funny moments were actually accurate representations of how out of control you are.
Hang in there.
Posted by Tzipporah on 05/18/2009 at 01:48pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I know it's not really possible but you have this uncanny ability to post perfect, on point posts just when I need to read them. "There are no right answers. Only honest discussions." That is so true. I will always remember that. I got through this weekend because of that sentiment and then I get to read you say the same exact thing on Monday.
I'm happy to hear the blog helps you and that your job gives you the life you want, even if it isn't always seamless and easy. Your blog helps me.
You're a good mom. What you said to your son about not needing to be perfect was, well, perfect.
Posted by Joselle on 05/18/2009 at 02:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Excellent post. I laughed because you reminded me of my own Suzuki days, when during many a concert I had straight pins holding up a concert gown hem because my mom was a bit disorganized – in a good way. (She also would staple my Girl Scout badges to my sash 5 minutes before a ceremony, but that's another story.) I remember that stuff, yes, but only really care that she was always there – disorganization and all. :)
Posted by Kara Martens on 05/18/2009 at 09:26pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
"Put the violin under your arm and take a bow."
Who yells that? I was a Suzuki kid – trust me, lots of people do. Suzuki parents can be great but they can also be like hockey moms. It's OK.
Penelope, have you read Shinichi Suzuki's short book "Nurtured by Love"? I found it in a second hand book store last year and it totally surprised me; it is absolutely delightful and spilling over with life-inspiring gems. Like how he was friends with Albert Einstein among other things. I think I would have been a better Suzuki player if I had read this book as a young girl.
Also, you should listen to the Gorillaz' song "Left Hand Suzuki Method" for a great version of "Long Long Ago".
Lovely post.
Posted by Grace on 05/18/2009 at 10:04pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
The first spanking I remember whas when I ran away from a recital for Shinichi Suzuki himself. I also have fond memories of my father making me practice with the Suzuki LP's (back in the day) over and over again until I cried. I love my parents, but was this Suzukabuse?
Posted by Grace on 05/18/2009 at 10:09pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ok, last Suzuki thing…in his book, he says something simple but great like, "Do not rush and do not stop". And he's not just talking about music.
Posted by Grace on 05/18/2009 at 10:17pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I don't think the link on "Suzuki program" takes you to the right place.
Posted by Grace on 05/18/2009 at 10:24pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
When do you stop to enjoy the life you have? Every moment of your life is fleeting. You must make the most of it.
The average human heart beats about 4630 time per hour. Don't waste a beat on worry or fear. Use them to create a bold and happy life! Enjoy what you have and exercise gratitude…Daily!
It might be beneficial and think about your life your definition of success. Sit down one day and define it. What does it mean to be successful? And what are you willing to give up to get it? What are you NOT willing to give up. What have you sacrificed thus far and who has suffered for it?
Food for thought. It will come.
Cheers!
JMB
Posted by JMBEAUFORD on 05/19/2009 at 07:45am | permalink | Reply to this comment
All the best Penelope,
Posted by Dushyant Parkhi on 05/19/2009 at 01:42pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Gorgeous post.
Posted by Susie on 05/19/2009 at 02:21pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
it's a like reading a train wreck. it's got to be stressful. i watch lacrosse practice while on two cell phones and wave the phone in the air when my 8 year old scores. to pretend i'm paying attention.
but it's mandate tonight. so i'm taking him to the new leggo store. and shutting off two cell phones. even though i know i am to get a call from two of our major pharmacies.
it's not easy being a single parent. much less an employee, much less easy to be the founder of a struggling job board.
i'm curious. are postings your only source of income on the site? how are you monetizing (i just like using that word) the "intersection" between work and life?
matt
Posted by matt on 05/19/2009 at 04:08pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I second the motion that you need to write a book, at some point. Usually, I can't make it through a blog post more than a few paragraphs, reading this type of post is as easy as breathing. You are a fantastic story teller, incredible even. I particularly enjoy when you write using dialogue. Maybe you could try penning a fiction book based loosely on your life. If necessary, self-publish and promote on this blog.
Posted by Nikki on 05/19/2009 at 07:29pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I saw you in Psychology Today (June 2009, pg 70) yesterday and then this post comes and I think, "There's that fabulously successful blogger that I envy for her having blown the top off what it means to be acceptable and still make lots of money!" In the meantime, we are running out of money, like, this week running out of money. The reasons aren't important but it's been a slippage thing, fewer work hours, increased cost of living, etc.
Imagine my surprise to hear you say you are running out of money. And I wonder what it means for you to be running out of money the way truly poor people would wonder about me (since I am not living in a tent city).
Anyway, to the point, this is the best post of yours I have read yet. Thanks for letting me see this maternal side of you – yes, the ambivalent but mother tiger side that is still growing up herself no matter what her age.
Posted by Diana on 05/19/2009 at 07:34pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thanks again for writing so clearly about the terrors and joys all of us business owners live with every day, but just can't put into words.
Posted by RB on 05/20/2009 at 12:44am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi, interesting thoughts here. My business is a start-up I guess and I'm out of money, well was. I decided to focus only on revenue generating activities, I asked myself to focus on finding some sort of service or product which can deliver more value. So anyway, after a week I released a new promotion offering clients a new service. At the end of the week I got the first sales. I didn't think about anything else for that week and my brain fixed the rest.
Posted by Jobs in Ireland on 05/20/2009 at 10:49pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope,
This blog rocked. Dammit, I am right there with you girl – from the bagels to not being able to get my shit together when it comes to my kids…this post really touched me.
(And WTF is it about important calls always coming at the wrong time? The last time I took my daughter out for ice cream I spent the whole time on the phone. She finished just as I hung up and I wished I could take it all back – I wished I'd never answered the phone.)
Thanks for a great post!
Posted by Charlene on 05/25/2009 at 11:56pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi Penelope,
I like you blog, I have my own franchise business. And I currently have the same problem, it's running out of money. The business isn't earning. The daily sales isn't enough to pay for the rent, payroll, etc. And it's a real pain in the wallet. We're just waiting for the rent contract to expire and give it up. Now my husband and I have to do extra work just to pay for the bills. The sad thing is it's still not enough. We don't even have enough time left for our daughter. Good thing about our children sometimes they seem to understand the current situation even though you're not telling them. Just to hear them saying simple words like "I love you mommy" is enough to keep fighting the battle. Many thanks to you for making this post
Shaw
Posted by shaw on 05/27/2009 at 05:00am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Would love to send you flower to cheer you up..
I know exactly what you're going through.
Living the dream is hard but really worth fighting for.
Thank you kindly for keep blogging and sharing a fun yet insightful thought.
Posted by Jack on 06/01/2009 at 11:18pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
when work is slow for me (i've been running a small consulting business for 12 years and it has it's busy/slow times) and i feel like i'm not bringing in any income because the money coming in is just paying the bills, then i sell small stuff on ebay and half.com and, voila, miniature income! makes me feel better. fwiw.
Posted by Leanne on 06/09/2009 at 09:35pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You know things are tough, perhaps impossibly so. But you also know you've been here before and got through it.
Posted by Nike Lebron VI on 06/10/2009 at 11:47am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Dear Penelope,
I have just stumbled onto your blog and how refreshing it is to read. I started my startup 3 months ago, in the middle of a recession, with 2 kids in private school and a useless ex-husband. You have inspired me to pull myself back up and give my focus on the school concert instead of having one eye on the blackberry for the little flashing light!
Thanks
Debs
Posted by Debs on 06/17/2009 at 06:09am | permalink | Reply to this comment
And now I'm going to cry.
I could have written this post. Well, except for the violin recital. Just substitute something equally as important in that spot and that is my life.
There's this perception that because your startup is gaining a lot of attention and press that you're a jet setter with plenty of money.
I'm not.
Truth is, right now I'm trying to decide if I pay the house payment or the car payment because I definitely can't pay both. Yet just last week we were featured on our local FOX news channel in a nearly 3 minute long feature. I'm getting recognized in public but I can't pay my bills.
We don't have any funding yet but we have a strong foundation and I know that we will be profitable soon. Until then I practice a lot of what you say – I focus on good things, give myself pep talks, dream about how wonderful my future will be, et al.
This is my first visit to your blog but it won't be my last. Thanks for making me feel better today just by talking about real life and how unglamorous it can sometimes be.
Posted by imjustagoyle on 06/17/2009 at 09:16am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Great article, every startup will definitely has cashflow problems. Well defined the problems and explained.
Posted by Flexarite on 07/05/2009 at 12:03pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You hit all the nails on the head!!! To read from another persons perspective really helps get your head around your own concerns.
Thanks
Adirec
Posted by Adirec Torytski on 08/22/2009 at 02:14am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I came across a great quote recently over at another blog. Katharine Hepburn has got it right -
Few people
know
what they mean
when
they say,
“I love you.”
What does
the word
“love”
mean?
It means
total interest.
Your writing is thought-provoking (and more), you are resilient and your son is right – you should be happy for yourself. Always.
Posted by Mark W. on 09/09/2009 at 10:07am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Time to take a holiday!
Posted by Thailand Villas on 11/05/2009 at 04:47am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Back to school
Posted by Private Tuition on 11/05/2009 at 04:50am | permalink | Reply to this comment
So glad I found your blog and read this post. Going through something incredibly similar right now and just wrote about funding for your start up last night.
When in doubt surround yourself with other entrepreneurs who will pull you back up and remind you of all the great work you're already doing and why you rock.
Either that or go and take a yoga class, does wonders.
Thanks for sharing.
Posted by Natalie Sisson on 11/27/2009 at 06:47pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I am amazed at how candid you are. I don't think I would of been so truthful about my relationships. What a great read though, you really put a lot of effort and thought into your blogging.
Posted by Boat Props on 12/10/2009 at 01:05am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thanks so much for your guidance trunk… i'll follow the steps :)
Posted by training media review on 12/12/2009 at 11:33pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Yes, on this "2. Take time to talk about what's still going well." and about to "getting help". Thank for your spotlights
Posted by ngan hang tmcp on 12/16/2009 at 06:28pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thanks for an inspiring post. It did help me out.
Todd
Bird Feeders
Posted by Todd on 12/21/2009 at 07:38am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Sometimes, it is easy to understand but difficult to change.
Posted by FatBurningFurnace on 01/12/2010 at 09:38pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I shall practice it today. Thank you!
Posted by Mp3 Rockets Download on 01/12/2010 at 09:42pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You hit all the nails on the head!!! To read from another persons perspective really helps get your head around your own concerns.
Thanks
Posted by kiralik daireler on 01/26/2010 at 02:22pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You know things are tough, perhaps impossibly so. But you also know you've been here before and got through it.
Posted by ilan ver on 01/26/2010 at 02:23pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Love you Penelope and that brilliant mind of your.
I'm starting to think though, this may be useful to you:
How to Stop Panic Attacks
Jill :)
Posted by Jill Green on 01/28/2010 at 12:47pm | permalink | Reply to this comment