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Posted in: Finding a career, Fulfillment, Goal setting, Knowing yourself, Parenting
Women who want to have kids should make it a high priority in their early twenties to find a partner. This week’s Newsweek cover story, Marriage by the Numbers, says is okay to wait until after 35 to get married. Newsweek is revising the saying that a woman has more chance of getting hit by a truck than getting married after age 35.
But the article ignores one of the most pressing issues facing Generation X: Infertility. No generation of women has had more trouble with fertility than this generation who received the terrible advice, “Wait. You have time. Focus on your career first.”
In fact, you have your whole life to get a career. This is not true about having a baby.
Even if you are past your early twenties, or not heterosexual, if you’re single and want to have kids with a partner, you need to find one now. Take that career drive and direct it toward mating because your career skills will outlast your ovaries.
In case you think you’re waiting for “the right time,” there is no evidence to show when in a woman’s career is best to have kids. At any point, she is thrown off track. At any point when a woman has kids, statistically she will start to earn less money even if she takes no maternity leave whatsoever. There is no evidence to show that it’s easier to take time out of the workforce at a certain point in a career. People just plain don’t know.
Phyllis Moen, professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota, told me in an interview, “Don’t wait until the right time in your career to have a child or it will never come.”
However there is lots of evidence to show that a woman’s biological clock takes a nose-dive at age 35. I know, because that’s when I started having kids. The geneticist showed me and my husband a graph of Down’s Syndrome and we nearly keeled over when we saw the cliff at 35. We had no idea. That Down’s Syndrome cliff, though, is a stand-in for everything, because a huge percentage of fertility statistics get bad at 35.
There is also lots of evidence to say that having kids at least two years apart is best for the kids. However there is a distinct advantage for first-born kids. They are richer, smarter, and as if that’s not enough, year after year 90% of Harvard’s incoming freshmen are first-born. You can mitigate the impact of birth order on your second child by having three years between kids.
If you start when you are thirty-one, you can have two kids, three years apart, before you’re thirty-five. But this plan does not take into consideration that about 20% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. This means you have almost a 50% chance of having to go through three pregnancies to have two kids, which means you should start when you’re thirty.
If you want to have babies when you’re thirty, then you probably want to be married when you’re twenty-eight. This is good news because if you marry very young you’re more likely to get divorced, but the statistics get much better if you wait until you’re twenty-five. For a healthy marriage, experts think people should be married two or three years before they consider having children. A reasonable expectation is to meet someone, date for a couple of years, and get engaged with almost a year’s time to pull off a wedding. So you need to meet the person at age twenty-four.
So this means that it may make sense for men to work full-speed ahead on their career in their early twenties, but women cannot afford that. Women need to make time in their lives to search for a mate in the same systematic, focused way that women have been searching for careers in their early twenties. And tell yourself you’re waiting until you know yourself better. Getting to know yourself is a lifelong process, and after age twenty-five, waiting to get married won’t decrease your chance of divorce.
The good news here is that a large body of research shows that you will gain more happiness by being married than by having a good job. Yes, you should not have to choose between a good job and marriage. But this column is not about what is fair or what is just. It is about what is real.
You have a biological clock that does not pay attention to issues of social justice. You cannot control your biological clock and you cannot control the workplace. But you can control where you spend your time and energy, and you should look hard for a husband early on. Line up the marriage first, then the career.
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You are so right, Penelope. Thanks for the solid, no-nonsense advice. I’m really glad I found your blog.
by melanie gao on 2006-06-07 at 1:34 am
Sounds great… Too bad life doesn’t work like that! Yeah, I want a husband at 25, baby at 27, and a mansion as well. Guess what? You don’t always get what you want. This article makes me want to puck!
by Jamie on 2006-06-27 at 5:55 pm
Hi, Jamie. I think people get what they want if they make it a huge priority. If you make getting a husband your number-one priority, you’ll find one. If you decide that having a mansion is a really, really high priority, then you can get that, too.
It’s about prioritizing. I think the media makes women feel like it’s bad to make getting a husband a top priority. But it’s not. It’s part of reality.
That said, I did not make finding a husband my top priority in my twenties. So I didn’t get one then. But I can see that what I did make my top priority in my twenties — finding a career — I did really well.
We can’t have everything. We have to give something up. Giving up having kids early is much riskier than giving up finding a career early.
by Penelope Trunk on 2006-06-27 at 11:22 pm
I’ve got news for you. Babies come when they are supposed to, career or no career. It’s God’s plan. I know this from personal experience, as neither of my two kids were planned. Had my daughter at age 31, and had a tough time during her childbirth. So I swore “No more babies - she’s fine as an only child!” Fast forward nine years - I found myself unexpectedly pregnant again, at age 40, which is supposed to be above and beyond the range to have a healthy baby. Gave birth two days before my 41st birthday to a son who’s as strong as an ox, and sharp as a tack. No Down’s syndrome there!
Yes, I know that I have been lucky. And maybe women would benefit from having kids sooner than I did. But after being told at age 18 that I would never have any babies at all, all I can say is that women should take doctor’s advice with a grain of salt. Doctors aren’t in control - God is!
by Gail on 2007-02-08 at 5:33 pm
Wow, all the money I have spent on grad school could have easily been used for much better (and, frankly funner) purposes. I guess I should throw the towel in at 32—according to this article. I assume, you met your man at the appropriate age and time and life has been wonderful living in the McMansion all the while. That is one thing I find hilarious. At age 24, many of the Mommier than thou women I know met the men that they would later marry and become fathers to their children at the most ridiculous of places—-drunk in bars, as a result of a one-night stand, etc. Drink up girls and marry the first loser you can get, according to this article.
* * * * *
Hi, Sara.I met my husband pretty late. But I do not harbor resentment toward people who married early — no matter where they met their mate. I now understand that we get what we work hard to get. I focused on my career in my twenties and I ended up with great work. I see now that there is no biological clock on working, but there is on having babies. So it seems like common sense to handle the thing that has a deadline on it first, and then handle the thing with no deadline.
-Penelope
by Sara Jones on 2007-02-21 at 6:16 pm
I’ve been obsessively planning the chronnology of having baby #1 for almost 10 years now. It sounds like this article was written about me. I’m 30 and career focused. Got married two years ago at 28. Now planning to conceive. First child at 31, wait 2-3 years, second child before 34 to avoid the probability of a genetic abnormality.
It is re-assuring that the logic behind my ‘planning’ can be backed up with expert opinion. Otherwise, it feels a little cold and calculating.
by Janine Mosley on 2007-03-04 at 2:29 am
I did what this article suggested as the ultimate guide line for a woman’s biologica/career life. My time line had a plan. I knew for certain that I wanted my education and my career and at least one child. The husband and the McMansion was a mystery. When I was 19, I met my husband at a Christmas party. I was a freshman in college and very focused on my education and career path (in graphic design). We dated for 2 years, lived together for 2 years, one of which we were engaged for. And we’ve been married for 11 years (together for 16). I had my first son at 27, my second son at 30 and just had my third boy at 34. Motherhood has taken me by surprise. I love it and get more from it than any other thing I’ve ever experienced. I have my own graphic design studio, 12 years now going strong. Having my own business was always my goal and I know contributes to my confidence as a mother. I want to show my kids that women can do all things with their lives and their choices. But now I’ve found that with my life in full swing and my kids as beautiful as they are, I want to continue to grow my family. I never thought that I would have wanted a big family, but life is funny that way… full of surprises …. especially in myself! But now, the conflict is with my husband. He is 9 years older than me and does not want to have any more kids because he’s said he feels he’s getting too old. I’m 35 and he’s 44. He is an incredible, very interactive father and a good, loving, healthy man. There are things in his life which he wants to achieve and I feel that I’m at a point where there’s a fine balance between time and both of us being able to achieve our goals. For the first time in our relationship, I wonder if we both want the same things out of life? So, even when you “do” what “they say” you’re supposed to “do”, I’m still left with questions about my wants and needs and trying to balance it all with the people and choices in my life. Is this natural to still want? I fret sometimes that it’s bad karma. But then I think, “Don’t limit yourself!!!!” Any feedback, I would be curious to read
* * * * * * *
Hi, Jeni. I just wanted to say thank you for writing such a candid and honest comment. These are the kinds of stories that we can all learn from. The more honest people are about what’s happening in their life, no matter what’s happening, the more we can learn. I learned from this one, so thanks.
–Penelope
by Jeni on 2007-03-13 at 7:42 pm
Get a partner! Now!
What the hell, these things happen or they don’t. One sure fire way of making it not happen is to have that “I need a partner to copulate with and make babies” look on your face when you meet someone…
by Ap on 2007-03-23 at 9:21 am
You could always just not have kids.
An adult life with a loving man is great - several women including my wife have told me.
It’s also not a great world to be bringing kids into.
by John Hansen on 2007-04-22 at 9:56 pm
Wow, my wife and I are both 36. We do not have any kids right now. We have been married almost 5 years. It sounds like it is not a good idea for us to by this article. But going by what Janine “Baby Machine” Mosley says, I can still pickup women 9 years my junior, just like her husband did when he was 28 and she was 19. Given this, I now know I can go out and get a 27 year-old uterus that is prime for baby having. I need some advice on how to tell my wife this. Any help?
My mother was 38 when I was born, but I like this strong case for younger women. Thanks Penelope! You’re the best!
by Kevin on 2007-04-25 at 2:29 pm
Why am I not surprised that these last two comments by men suggest that once again they are clueless to women’s issues? And I don’t believe that their wives are being completely honest with them or themselves. What nerve!!! To call Janine Mosely a “Baby Machine”!!! You are so out of your league that you have not only embarrassed yourself, but both you, Kevin and your neanderthall, counterpart John Hansen have set back men and their thinking. Just not getting the entire point of the original article. The least that can be done is to respect the women that have the intelligence to “plan” their families. We should have more Mosely’s and less of you in the world. Actually, I should thank both you and John for NOT reproducing. THANK YOU for not creating more like minded people like you!
by Jeni on 2007-04-25 at 2:54 pm
Thank you to all of you who have completely discounted those of us that have “disrupted” plans. You must have sore backs - that is from being bent over and looking down on the rest of us with no “plan”. As for Jeni - you need to go out and get a sense of humor so you might be able to decipher sarcasm from reality. God bless those who live their lives so willy nilly as to think that they might actually have children IF and WHEN they deem fit - for them - not for anyone elses’ calender. And God bless those who want to plan out every step of their lives - I pray that it all works out for you both. John Hansen - blessings to you for not feeling that life is otherwise unfit if you do not have children. To the panel of judges above, please let us all be - well - who we want to be and when we want to be it.
by Stephanie on 2007-04-25 at 11:48 pm
Wow, this article is a reality check. I married and had my children in my early 20’s and wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. That was 15 years ago and back then I felt out of step. Now I am glad things played out the way they did. Did my husband and I plan it? No. Did we struggle? Yes. Did I sacrifice some freedom? Absolutely. But now I am still young enough to enjoy my kids AND concentrate on nurturing them and my career. (I am in my mid-30’s now.) As a mother, I do put my children and their well-being first. I finished my college education when my children were in grammar school so they were thrilled to see Mom graduate. Fertility is finite, careers and educations are not. Women need to make peace with that. One can go back to college or finish grad school after 35, but to attempt to START a family after 35 is sadly disappointing for a lot of women. Some of my friends, who are struggling with infertility, felt they were sold a “bill of goods” by believing they can “have it all and wait for the education, the knight in shining armor, the big house, etc.” Some women are struggling and embittered by buying into that unrealistic mindset. (No, that doesn’t mean-getting pregnant just for the sake of it, but if our ancestors had to wait for conditions to be perfect..ummm..none of us would be here.)
There is a reason women have the ability to conceive a healthy child in their prime reproducing years..20s-35. They are young, usually healthy, and their bodies are more resilient to the stresses of child-bearing. The same could be said for men and athletic ability. A man is at his peak, physically, at those ages as well. There are laws of nature that dictate what science and social mores can not reproduce. Sorry girls, but those are the facts o’ life.
by Karyn24 on 2007-05-10 at 5:57 pm
Sorry, but that’s simply not going to wash for a bunch of us out here.
I’m a 42 year old male, never married. My career has been a priority (and I was not cut out for marriage before). The fact of the matter is that I’m looking at marriage, and perhaps parenthood, in my 40s. It simply wasn’t going to happen any other way (it might have in my late 30s, but didn’t). I know a number of single women like myself.
I take issue with a few things here. First of all, my 42 is not your 42. Quite frankly, I’m in good shape (grateful for my good health) and everyone thinks I’m about 10 years younger than I really am. Sure, there are people my age who aren’t as fit, but there actually is a bigger variation than you think (esp. here in LA).
Secondly, many of us (men and women) just aren’t cut out to be married and have kids in our 20s. For too many reasons to go into. One thing sure to keep those of us single in our 20s is to try and put out a rather shrill warning that we’d better get to it earlier. Everyone is aware of the consequences of delaying it, but this article, done up in the manner of some friendly advice, doesn’t take the full picture into account.
And that is, nature adapts. People are living longer, and with changing diets (i.e. Asia) growing larger. Our lifespans used to be 45 or so, now they reach into the 70s. If you look around you will see people having healthy babies in their 30s and even 40s.
There are always going to be some women that wait too long or just can’t do it later. That’s unfortunately true. However it’s simply not as dire as you make it sound.
by PG on 2007-05-15 at 5:24 pm
Wow! This can be a pretty dishartening column to read if you’re a single woman in you thirties or late 20’s! Thankfully it looks like I’m on the right track… In a couple of months, 3 days before my 24th birthday, it will be my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. We are planning on waiting a couple more years to get married and hopefully have children right around age 30. The prospect of having children and putting a damper on my career still terrifies me nonetheless.
by Daniela on 2007-05-17 at 3:49 pm
Why am I not surprised that these last two comments by men suggest that once again they are clueless to women’s issues?
Having a baby where half the marriage doesn’t want one is not a woman’s issue - it’s a FAMILY ISSUE! And I don’t believe that their wives are being completely honest with them or themselves. I mentioned that to my wife and she said you are so misguided (that is the nice way) She said a baby is everyone’s business and that there must be an agreement before having one - or either may leave the relationship. Both you, Kevin and your neanderthall, counterpart John Hansen have set back men and their thinking. NO - we’ve enlightened men who might not understand yet. You being nasty doesn’t prove your points at all. Men and women need to be in agreement on the baby issue. The author of this article says the woman needs to have everything scheduled right down to the dates of births,etc. With a woman being driven like that - most men will just leave - as they should. Where is the FUN a man needs to have with his chosen a couple of years before having to make a choice on a baby? FUN - without that - why be married - of for that matter why even be alive? Live should not be one obstacle course after another - work, wars, famine and disease are enough - a man and a woman should be there for each other and talk of the other later. MajorHart
by John Hansen on 2007-05-18 at 12:26 am
I think women should do what they want to do when they’re ready for it, not based on what peers or trends say.
by Sabrina on 2007-05-22 at 11:02 pm
>John Hansen - blessings to you for not feeling that life is otherwise unfit if you do not have children.
Thanks much. The glue that will hold a family together during the stressful time of child raising will be based on what kind and how solid the love relationship is between the two mates. That comes from quality adult time together - have fun, and sometimes “just being.” The confidence my wife and I have with each other and the understandings we have could not have been developed with a scheduled life or babies. We had none and are fully happy. If we had some we’d be happy too, because we had quality time to get to know each other and fall in love. I’d like to hear from more women that have a quality life with their husbands and for a few years before they begin to desire babies. With some it becomes such a compulsion that they will dump their loving husband and do it on their own - drawing welfare for support. That is wrong. My wife works with a number of young to 40ish women that work part time to meet people and for a little extra money and are 3/4 supported by OUR tax dollars. We think that is wrong - if you want to have babies - let your man out if he doesn’t - and then be prepared to work to support yourself and them. MajorHart
by MajorHart on 2007-05-23 at 7:37 am
It’s not God’s plan, there is no such thing, people get pregnant, some people dont. It depends on many factors such as using a condom, number of sperm present, etc, etc, its not magic people!
by Stephen Crowley on 2007-07-06 at 7:28 pm
I married when I was 21 and when my husband was 23. We agreed at that time that we’d later have two children (I wanted 3, but agreed to 2). I graduated from law school when I was 26. I wanted to start a family at that time, but my husband was not ready. I tried to be patient, but when I turned 28 and he said he still wasn’t ready to start trying, I suggested marriage counseling. He left me a couple weeks before I turned 29, in part because he felt like having kids would mean his career would never get started. Now I face my divorce being finalized around my 30th birthday. I plan on becoming a foster parent next year, and then I plan to get remarried in 2009 when I am 31. I want to try having children right off. I’ve already fallen in love again. Ideally, I would want to know someone more than a year before getting married, but I probably will not wait longer. Ideally, I would want to be married for a year or two before having children, but I probably will start trying as soon as I am married. Ideally, I would have followed this plan you have laid out, and I hope women still in their early 20s read it. However, we can only control and foresee so much. I still want a family, and I think I will still have one. For some women, their husbands dragged them along longer, promising to be ready to have children soon but leaving them at age 35 or 40. I say, if you think you are still fertile, and you want to have children, find a partner who also wants children. I do not have any regrets. I have a lesson on how much of life and I can and cannot control. Let’s be supportive of one another as women, whatever situations we are in. I wish all of you luck in getting what you want out of life.
by Lucy on 2007-08-30 at 12:42 pm
Isn’t there anything in your life worth doing other than having kids?
What about your new law degree and chance to become a well paid attorney. What could you and your former husband do to be happy with your new career and his. With you being so driven to just have babies, I can see why he bailed out. Kids are not the only reason to be alive or be married. FUN - LOVE of two adults, FUN - Sharing of career interests and income opportunities - FUN - there’s a big, big world out there for two people and if the people want to - the kids come - it should not be because they have to. You have everything so planned - he just had to get out. Your next man may give you kids but he isn’t going to like your fixation either and you’ll likely have your kids but be single again.
by MajorHart on 2007-08-31 at 6:59 am
I find your article simplistic. It has alienated me as a reader of yours, and I bought your book and check your site for career advice! I am a single Gen X female in my early 30s raised in a single parent household. I think that your article missed a reality in this country that relationships, dating or marriage, even with lots of kids, don’t always work out. I would rather not have kids than be a female raising children on my own without a well-paying career. I couldn’t afford not to go full speed ahead with my career after college. Have you heard of student loans? (”A Man is Not a Financial Plan” -bumper sticker, http://www.wife.org) Did you ponder that you might be alienating your 30-something single female readers who are in the work world? I’ll look for career advice elsewhere from now on.
by Single in NY on 2007-12-15 at 12:27 am
i’m alienated by MajorHart - oh how seeeensitive of me…A Man IS a Financial Plan - men want to work for something/someone - a wife, a family - it gives him worth - he wants to provide — i’ll look for career advice from Penelope
by fred on 2007-12-26 at 6:17 pm
Fred - you’re so out of touch with reality. You might need to support a wife and family but 8 of 10 guys I know do now - I don’t. I have plenty of worth and no need to provide. Are you trying to impress the women here with your asinine ramblings?
Well there are some very intelligent women her who can see past your platitudes about what men want and what they should be doing. Get a clue.
by MajorHart on 2007-12-26 at 8:20 pm
Penelope, I’ve spent the last few days devouring your blog archives. I think your outlook on careers is sharp, original, and convincing.
As for this string of comments…I believe it’s our perogative and responsibility to read what interests and informs us. I feel more knowledgeable for having read this column. We don’t have to agree. Whether or not we do, I believe we have a responsibility to voice our opinions without being petty or condescending. I find that people who become obnoxiously defensive most often lack confidence in their own convictions.
I believe the crux of what Penelope is saying is true; the window of fertility is a reality. There is no certainty of finding a spouse, but there is no certainty of anything. I don’t think anyone is arguing that you put all of your eggs in one basket. But it’s important to know what your priorities are. For me, it was the difference between being lazy on a Saturday night or gathering myself up off the couch and meeting friends and friends-of-friends for a drink.
by Lisa on 2008-02-27 at 4:55 pm
This is not to any specific person.
The overriding thing I notice here is a drive to have kids - at the expense of a loving marriage and a good successful career.
Some women plan it out in their teens and they dont take into account (or give any concerns to) what the husband of male partner might want or need.
Let’s make no mistake - these attitudes are a WANT - not a need. And what would you tell the potential husband when you meet him. “I want to have kids, we’re going to have kids and how many and when *I* want to or else you’re irresponsible, and I’ll dump you.”
Where is the FUN in this for a man - where is the reason to be with a woman at all? Where is the goodtimes and adjustment to each other? Where are the sportsbars and tailgate parties? Where are the dancing and moonlight walks along the beach - talking about love of each other and for each other - not about making babies? Where is the sex without feeling it’s to make babies only. Sex is to build love and for fun too.
Give this plan to most men and they will run for the woods. I am so glad to hear from women who think having babies (or not) should be a mutual decision and if that’s all you’re married for - your whole marriage is a waste. Be honest with your husband or boyfriend - let him know if he is just a means to an end and nothing more. Some men might fall for that (we are notoriously stupid sometimes) but most quality men will see they are just being used, and will hit the road. Oh, and be ready to support those kids if you have them. There’s no reason I and others should have to pay for your compulsion. MajorHart
by MajorHart on 2008-02-28 at 1:14 pm
oh my goodness MajorHart..calm down! Everyone wants to have fun in their marriage, hopefully its what drove the relaitonship in the first place. I believe Penelope even said *ideally* you would spend 2 years dating and one year engaged—lots and lots of time for fun. She’s also not suggesting women rope unsuspecting men into having children. All she is saying is, biology is biology and science is science, and while anyone can trot out a ‘i’m the exception and i got pregnant with a healthy baby at 45′ story, thats not the reality for most women and they need to be aware of it and prioritize accordingly. Period. So people that don’t want kids don’t even need to worry about it. And all that time between finding your mate and having kids- it’s built in to get to know each other, enjoy each other and have fun. Some people even manage to have fun after you have kids beleive it or not. And if you find you don’t want the same things early in the relationship, then you move on no harm no foul. MajorHart, I just really think you need to relax.
by J on 2008-03-02 at 7:23 pm
I am relaxed - totally.
The problem is the harsh structuring. If I knew I had 2 years to get to know my wife and have fun and that in 3 a baby was required. I would never enjoy even a minute of that time.
Example: As a young man of 30 in Tacoma - I had 8 male friends. 5 of them had a girlfriend get pregnant on them - 3 got married but were very unhappy about the blackmail and trickery involved. Two hit the road.
Of the other 3 - two of the new wives were pregnant within two months, even though they promised they would wait at least two years because they knew their husbands did not want children even that soon. Their husbands were exremely unhappy and in almost all the cases sex and adult only pleasures such as sportbars, camping, fishing, fun with other single friends - became a thing of the past. Ohe had a good marriage and is still happy at last contact.
The others are all unhappy at last contact - which was about 20 years ago now.
I do want to know that my wife will see to it that she doesn’t get pregnant until we mutually agree and without nagging and threats. If she knows she’s going to be alone - if she truly loves her husband and I’m wondering how many women truly do, she will take her pill religiously and/or get an abortion.
I know some women truly do love their husbands and believe something as important as having a baby needs to be a mutual decision.
I dated a girl in Lincoln Nebraska - we hit it off very well and I would have liked to continue going with her but she started talking about marriage in the first and second weeks and what sex of child I wanted in the third. She wouldnt’t let up on it - it was clear that was all that was on her mind and she was only 21.
Another good female friend had her first pregnancy (illegitimate) at 15 and second at 20 - and was angling for more at that age. I really liked her and was very fond of her two kids and while we never had sex or anything more than a friendship - I would have liked to have been a factor in helping her raise those two kids - love, money, moral support, maybe even a marriage if I did feel I was being used - but I didnt want any of my own for at least 4 years and she knew it and married someone else.
We need to know when we are not going to have babies and a general framework for when we are if we have discussed it and mutually agreed - but not down to a specific year.
Now - please - just relaxxxxxxxxxx.
by MajorHart on 2008-03-02 at 8:15 pm
Here’s the thing: I’m in my mid-twenties, and my partner is in her late twenties. In addition to the complications of having biological children in a same-sex relationship, neither of us are ready for kids emotionally or financially, and are unlikely to be ready in the next few years. We both have relatively steady jobs, as steady as anything these days, but we don’t make enough to be able to honestly say we could raise a child. Now, maybe if we had taken the advice in another column and chosen careers that were higher paying (I teach Jr High and she’s in technical theatre) we wouldn’t have the money issue, but I think we would still have the emotional one. We’re just not ready. I know no one is ever really ready, and I suppose if we were forced to we would rise to the occasion, but why put our biological clocks before our emotional clocks?
Also, while I understand the drive to have a biological child, what’s to stop these successful and stable women in their thirties and forties from adopting? There are lots of children who need the kind of home that these women can provide, why not suggest to them that they *can* have it all… it just doesn’t look like it used to.
by megan on 2008-03-02 at 9:09 pm
Hi. I’m glad you brought those things up. It’s very hard to see any kind of job stability these days and that adds a lot of stress and more things to consider. If we decide we really want a baby - natural, adopted, we have to make sure we can afford to take good care of them.
My wife and I also had qualms about the kind of world we would be bringing the baby up in. it’s not a very pretty place now.
Still, we’re glad we’re here as we try to help turn America around and make it work for the people again.
If I did have a child - I would have major problems with sending it over to iraq to die or in wondering what kind of job it would be able to get with all the outsourcing.
That said - I wish you the best and hope you can get what you want. AND I applaud your caution.
MajorHart
by MajorHart on 2008-03-02 at 10:55 pm
Thank you for your frank and thoughtful piece. As a 25-year-old woman with strong career aspirations, and even stronger family aspirations, I take your words to heart. I’d like to pull out two quotes that I found especially powerful and true:
“Women need to make time in their lives to search for a mate in the same systematic, focused way that women have been searching for careers in their early twenties.”
“I think people get what they want if they make it a huge priority. If you make getting a husband your number-one priority, you’ll find one.”
I find it odd that some other readers took issue with these statements, countering with such platitudes as, “these things happen or they don’t.”
One thing that many people seem not to realize is that you can increase your chances of meeting an appropriate mate if you approach the task with the same tenacity and smart work that you would apply to a job search. No, this does not mean hanging out at the local bar night after night with a dewy twinkle in your eye. It means thinking strategically about the best avenues for meeting people who click with you, and then applying a significant amount of effort and time to the pursuit.
Singles today have tools and opportunities that were not as present - if at all - for previous generations. (Examples: online dating sites, singles events at local cultural organizations, an ever expanding wealth of local volunteer opportunities, etc.) If someone puts in the time and effort to exploit these avenues (and yes, it does take time and effort), they have a much better chance at meeting someone than the person who lulls around waiting for Cupid to make it all happen for them.
Like so much in business, dating is a numbers game. One would never approach their business with the attitude, “The next sale will come my way when the time is right.” Finding a mate is the same way: the more time you devote to meeting new people (in the right contexts and settings), the more likely you are to find someone whose attributes compliment your own.
Regardless of one’s feelings around when a woman should have a family vs. focus on her career, I think every women should consider that she can make big things happen in her life - even finding a mate - if she sets priorities and applies herself.
by JG on 2008-03-15 at 11:38 am
This post is pathetic with a capital P. Good for you if you are married by age 25. I was married at age 30 and am now considering separating/divorcing because my husband has become abusive. I am now 31.5. What hope do I have then?? Since, according to you I have to do it all by 35, yet I need a few years to date first, a year to get engaged, then antoher few years of marriage, try to have kids (pray to god we don’t have problems).. and I’ll be how old then?
Good on you for making women in their 30’s who haven’t ’settled down’ yet and found a man feel like even more shit. You make me sick. I may as well kill myself now right? cos life aint worth living if you don’t have a (rich) husband, 2 kids (3 years apart), and a picket fence by age 35?!
by hateyou on 2008-03-18 at 2:17 am
btw I wanted to add I am definitely NOT a ‘career woman’ either. I never choice one over the other. In fact, I have no career at all and YES there IS a time limit to your career.. how many 50 year olds can just turn up at a job interview and get the job? or even get the interview in the first place?
Even I am finding myself competing against 21 year old college graduates.
This ‘piece’ of crap that you have written is the most misinformed, poorly researched piece of work I have seen online on this subject.
by hateyou on 2008-03-18 at 2:20 am
Wow! If women weren’t stressed out enough about fertility, this article sure put the nail in the coffin. Unfortunately life doesn’t always pan out the way we plan. I can say that my twenties followed “the plan”, hell I was ahead of it! I met the guy at 22 moved in together at 24, got engaged at 25 and was married at 29. I thought he was a great guy, I loved him and I loved his family. I thought I was on the way to a perfect life. Shortly after we married he became obsessed with porn and wouldn’t touch me. Then he was faulting me on all my shortcomings for not measuring up to his porn star expectations. After seeking marriage counseling and desperately trying to make my marriage work, I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and left. Now I find myself a divorced 32-year old woman who is off-track according to “the plan”. There is no way I am going to let this article bother me. Life just isn’t perfect. Even if you follow “the plan”, there are plenty of other conditions that your child can be born with that have no correlation with the age of the mother. How many children are born with with Cerebral Palsy, Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy? How many children are affected by autism? Don’t these conditions also require an awful lot of courage, patience, work and love on the part of the parents?
There is no need to freak out ladies. There is no age limit on adopting a child and there are plenty of children that need good parents. Take the time to find a quality guy if you want one, but also don’t be afraid to raise a child alone.
by Kristen on 2008-03-28 at 1:12 am
i want to get married i am 26
by boma on 2008-03-30 at 2:40 pm
I understand that it seems the point is about prioritizing.
I have prioritized finding a partner for about 4 years now, and I havent even found a fling, or short relationship. Meeting someone, falling in love, and raising a family is THE most important things to me. I have read books, I have joined clubs, met lots of new people, worked on bettering me, etc etc. I dont understand how finding a husband (or in my case a life partner) is so easy even if it is a priority.
My current plan is to find happiness so that I attract good people. I was miserable in my last job, so I am focusing on finding a career helps me towards happiness, thereby attracting good people, and hopefully a life partner, to me. Please help me find the flaw in my logic!! I would love to find my life partner by 24, but it is creeping up on me and I havent even had any serious relationships yet, how am i supposed to find the “one” by 24?
by Kiki on 2008-06-24 at 10:09 pm