I spent a decade diagnosing everyone except myself
photo by Joshua Sariñana
I have multiple personality disorder
I’ve actually known this since 2013 when a psychiatrist at Northwestern University told me.
At the time I told myself it’s a misdiagnosis and I have autism. I told myself mental health professionals are so stupid and they are always misdiagnosing everyone and I have to figure out everything myself. I spent the next decade figuring out everything about autism.
I figured out my whole family has autism. I put myself and my kids on medicine for ADHD. I turned my career into identifying autism and being frustrated that people didn’t believe me when I told them. They’d say, “How do you know?”
I’d be incredulous: “I’VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS. IT’S SO EASY FOR ME TO SEE!”
Meanwhile, we moved to Boston and I needed a psychiatrist immediately to fill my ADHD prescription. I called a friend of a friend who is a psychiatrist and I got a recommendation for two he knew.
I’ve been weaving through the mental health profession since I was five years old. At this point I summarize my history quickly. I have short-hand stories to make broad sweeping points.
For example: my dad has a police record for sexually abusing me, so when he made a career change to be a teacher the only place he could get a job was at a Jewish day school.
What about your mother? That’s what they always say. My mom has said that she knew dad was sexually abusing me and that I must have liked it or it would have stopped.
Then I add some extras so I look forthcoming: The police removed me from my parents and I lived at my grandma’s after that. Luckily, money was not an issue because everyone in the family had a trust fund.
That pretty much covers everything. The psychiatrist will ask one or two questions and then write the prescription.
It didn’t go that way in Boston. The first psychiatrist asked me a few more questions and told me I have dissociative identity disorder.
He said, “Do you know what that is?”
“No.”
“It’s multiple personality disorder.”
“Oh. Well, can you still be my psychiatrist?”
He said he only sees people like me if they’re in-patient.
Fuck. That’s what I thought to myself, because I needed ADHD medicine in order to stay focused on getting a prescription for the ADHD medicine and I was about to run out.
I went to the next person on my list. He said, “Thank you for sharing your story with me. Let me ask you, do you forget what day it is or what time it is?”
I say, “Yes.” I think to myself: Great autism question! This is how I know I need medicine for ADHD. I feel my body relax.
He says… Wait. I can’t remember what else he said. But he said, “You have dissociative identity disorder.”
I said, “I know. The last person told me. Can you please just be my psychiatrist?”
Oh. I just realized. He asked me something about children. Because the next thing he said is that it’s too risky for him to be caring for a client with my diagnosis who lives with children.
I said, “What do other people do? I mean, you can’t take care of children and be in the mental ward.”
He said most people with DID — that’s what he called it — are in prison or homeless so it’s easier for professionals to care for them.
“How do you know I have it?”
“The way you talked about losing time.”
“Doesn’t everyone lose time? I mean, people forget what day it is. People get time zones wrong. People forget a birthday or a dinner.”
“You told me you forgot the month you got married.”
“I can find out. I can call someone.”
“I’m sorry. You’ll have to find another person to treat you.”
“Who? Can you recommend someone?”
“Actually, no. I’m sorry.”
I also had a list of child psychiatrists. I took my son to the first on the list. We sat on the sofa across from him and we talked. He accepted my son as a patient. I asked my son to leave the room. I said, “Can you be my psychiatrist also? No one will see me because they say I have multiple personalities and it’s too high risk that I’m living with children.”
The psychiatrist looked at me. He smiled. He said, “I can understand that.”
We negotiated. He said he’d prescribe medicine if I had weekly meetings with his colleague who specializes in dissociative identity disorder. I made an appointment with her that day.
In my first meeting, I did my regular spiele. She asked me questions.
I said, “Do you think I have it?”
“Yes.”
I said, “How do you know?”
She said, “I just know. I’ve been doing this for decades. It’s so easy for me to see.”
Wow, didn’t see that coming. Good luck with the treatment.
Now we know how you could juggle 2 different blogs 😅
I never thought about it that way. I knew if I started writing about multiple personality disorder I’d learn more at a faster pace because I learn so much from comments. So, thank you.
After all you’ve been through it tracks that DID would be an outcome. What do you hope to get, in what ways do you want your life to get better, knowing this and (I imagine) receiving some sort of treatment for it?
That’s an interesting question. I’ve learned to better understand when I switch. And I am able to show people how to ask for someone different if they don’t like interacting with me. It actually reminds me of when men say, “Are you on your period???” But somehow asking for someone different isn’t as annoying.
I’m glad you’re receiving care, and also outraged by the comment that most people with DID are in prison or homeless. Like they seriously don’t think there are other moms out there from traumatic childhoods doing their absolute best to raise kids to not have that same trauma? I have a few people close to me with DID, who are brilliant, multi-layered people who hold jobs ♡
Another fine piece, P. I love how your arcs tuck so neatly. And your vignettes bite like vinaigrette. This tale sounds like the saddest, most grown-up version of Eastman’s Are You My Mother? In which case, I figure you’re up to the steam shovel [?]. You’re a fascinating read. May you find a good ending. P.
The literary analysis warms my heart. And you give me a new way to enjoy Are You My Mother.
It annoys me that people think that MPD (I didn’t know it’s called DID) is rare, say only one per city. They think that partly because of Hollywood sensationalizing it. I knew (at least three, I forget) people socially, including my best friend who had some dissociation as a child, but not full blown DID.
So when I was at a pubic breakfast with an award-winning sf writer, Lois M Bujold, I thanked her for not sensationalizing a main character. She said she’d received two fan letters from folks with MPD thanking her for her portrayal.
So ya, people are out there, but they don’t get into popular culture.
Do you kids and/or Nino know these distinct personalities?
What a crazy journey life takes us on. I so admire your willingness to share yourself with us.
The kids understand a lot. Nino not as much, but he says funny things. I will post about that. My oldest is really really knowledgeable about multiple personality disorder. I have recommended it as a career choice. The reply: “Mom, it’s been my job my whole life.”
I can’t wait to learn more about this with you.
Sometimes getting paid for what you’ve done your whole life can be an easy decision. I’m sure he’ll make the right choice. Nonetheless, his experience of DID is just as informative as yours at this point. I hope we get to hear a little bit.
You are truly a gem and I am so thankful for your blog. You have many friends in your readers so I hope you don’t feel alone through this next chapter.
I’m glad you found out and have someone to help. Apparently it’s a protective thing the brain does to survive trauma. There’s an Australian lady who wrote about it and how it helped her survive from 6 monthsof age to 14 with her abusive father. He is now in gaol. There can be commorbundity eith loats of conditions. My boyfriends neighbour us diagnosed BPD. I believe it is not his only issue. Alot us generational trauma.
Perhaps this is a spectrum as well. From an internal Family Systems perspective, we all have multiple personalities or parts. Do you feel one of your parts has ADHD or the symptoms of it? I am feeling really sad to read your last posts as I’m now unsure about all the amazing things you’ve written and were they true or advice or based on a false narrative? I ask this with a lot of love, because I don’t find you ingenious at all. And I’m hoping you have a ton of support.
I don’t think multiple personalities is a spectrum. Dissociation is a spectrum. But a brain either splits when a person is very young or it doesn’t split. That’s not a spectrum. So in terms of what I’ve been writing — I think if you went back and read all my posts you’d see that the range in my writing is a result of the range of my personalities. But the writing is still true.
I have OSDD symptoms but no formal diagnosis. I’m curious why you are revealing your DID diagnosis to us now. What shifted for you?
It’s a good question. I’m talking about it now because now I know I can handle people telling me I’m lying or it’s not a real thing or whatever. I needed to be sure that I really believed it myself. It took a while for me to understand the science and understand why I have it and other people who had terrible childhoods don’t have it. And it took me a while to feel like I could write about multiple personalities coherently. But actually, I realized that I’ve been writing about it the whole time, I just didn’t know it.
Wow, this post is just raw and powerful your honesty about living with dissociative identity disorder, discovering diagnoses, and the emotional labor of self‑understanding is incredibly brave. It’s not just a personal story, but a profound commentary on how mental health, self-awareness, and caregiving intersect. Thank you for sharing such an important part of your journey; it makes the conversation around neurodiversity and mental health so much more real and human.
Interesting. Honestly, I think that my mother may have some DID, along with other PDs, primarily because of how her behavior can shift into something that I call “demonic possession” (coarse low voice, slurs and growls words, profane and hurtful). Some kind of breaking point is there, before she makes that shift, and as I’m not really religiously a believer in demonic possession I wonder if it is DID. She was abused and traumatized as a child and avoids all attempts to be helped or heal (of course including avoiding medication) so here we are.
Are all of your personalities autistic?