Stagnant vs stable: Learning to tell the difference
Screenshot from Ray Dalio’s video on economics
I tutor Art History Girl for six hours a day. It’s a lot of alone time to give up, but empty-nesting in my apartment took a turn for the worst when I agreed that for the last year of school Y could move back to my apartment with the boyfriend.
This year we’re doing AP World History.
During the unit about capitalism we watched cartoon videos that billionaire hedge-funder Ray Dalio made for members of Congress to learn how the economy works. In the videos everyone charges everyone money (“That’s the whole economy! It’s that simple!”) and it nagged at me that the boyfriend is not paying rent.
Another day I tell Art History Girl we’re reading Mark Twain. I say, “His best book is Huckleberry Finn. But the n-word is all over that, so I guess that’s cancelled for reading out loud.”
It turns out that if you want to get a kid to read Mark Twain, tell them they can’t. We read a little bit of Huck Finn and she tells me she doesn’t think it should be cancelled. “We can’t just get rid of everything or we won’t know what happened.”
I agree with her in an effusive, kvelling way that means: Please god make her this insightful on the AP test. I decide that if there’s any book she might read on her own, it’s Huck Finn. So we begin Tom Sawyer. I’m excited for the opening: Aunt Polly punishes Tom by making him paint a fence. Tom convinces some boys that painting is a privilege and the other boys pay Tom for the chance to work.
Nearing chapter three, Art History Girl suspects I’ve jumped the shark: “Is this going to be on the test?”
I always feel like this question is actually a test for me. I say, “Yes. Unit 5 Industrialization. Mark Twain is commenting about how industrialization convinced people that monotonous factory work was special and worth giving up what they treasure.”
“Okay,” she says, like a teacher begrudgingly giving me a C.
I say, “Do you know what prodigious means?
“No.”
“Remember the suffix -ous changes a familiar word to an adjective.”
“Oh. Prodigy. So it means being really great.”
“Yeah. So you can make this inference even if you’ve never heard the word. Like, what would Penelopous mean?”
“Overexplaining.”
The boyfriend has also pointed out my annoyingness. He said, “I’ve noticed that what you say is almost always right, so I need to disregard when your specific examples are off.” This came up when I was helping him with his applications to grad school. What also came up is he needs tutoring experience to signal that he actually wants to teach.
Suddenly. I became Tom Sawyer: “Hey, you could teach math to Art History Girl. That would be great experience.”
And then things fell into place.
I could Tom-Sawyer all the tutoring — hire tutors, manage tutors, scale the Tom Sawyer Tutoring Company to all fifty states.
But I don’t feel excited by that. Mostly I feel tired. After years of building things that could fall apart at any moment, I’m relieved to do something predictable and boring.
Maybe this next stage of my life isn’t about building something new. Maybe it’s about learning how to stay where things are safe, and seeing if I can still recognize myself there.
Being stable does feel like being stagnant to me, and it’s interesting that there’s a difference. Like it seems so obvious once you say it.
I think pur Nervous System has to get used to it. If you live in fight,flight or fawn for years safety can ferl alien. It can be hard to have the energy/ motivation when you are not running on adrenaline and cortisol. Security can feel boring if you were never used to
Geez it’s Ok to feel tired. Anyone telling you it’s not Ok is a fool. No matter what job/career/business I have ever been involved with, the subject always eventually becomes dull. But those dull things have put food on my table. For me, it’s always been the people you work with who make it interesting. Wherever you decide to land, you are still one of the most interesting people online. And your people will support you!
I’ve found that a good husband and a good job have similar traits- and both seemed boring initially, but I stuck with it and I’m so glad I did- turns out it’s own kind of interesting and endlessly fascinating if you’re willing to take the time and stay present with it. Like the other commenters said, when you’re constantly in fight or flight – stable feels boring- but on the other side of boring is a whole new field of (different) adventures. Seems like you’ve found this to be true (for now!) as well. Enjoy!
Abby I love your life commentary. I totally agree. Also I notice that I personally have learned so much more from you since your life got boring :)