Inside the mind of a workaholic
I am sleeping in the downstairs bedroom. Alone. Or sometimes with the dog.
I hate writing this story because I want to be a person you admire, but I also hate not writing it. Because I want to be a person I admire. I want to be a person known for honesty.
Which means I need to tell you that I wish I cared more that I’m not talking to the Farmer.
I hate that I have stories I don’t want to tell. Because I have found that almost always, the secrets we keep matter a lot to us, but they don’t matter to other people.
For example, I emailed to Melissa one day. “I have a secret: I drank wine at breakfast today and I haven’t stopped.”
I thought Melissa would email back that I’m an idiot and I’ll be in rehab.
But she emailed back, “I forgot to get a refill for Lexapro and today is the first time in a year that I’ve initiated sex.”
Secrets are fun. That’s what I try to tell myself. It’s fun to not have to have a secret anymore, really.
It’s very hard to tell which of our secrets are huge and which are small. Like, I did not think it was a big deal when I said I was having a miscarriage, but that was a huge deal to a huge number of people. And I thought it was a huge deal when I said I was trying anti-anxiety meds, but no one really cared. What is a huge secret to you and what is a huge secret to everyone else is so different.
Which makes me feel unsure about secrets.
But I read a piece in the Wall St. Journal about a safari guide in Zimbabwe. He is one of the most famous safari guides in the world, and he says he tells people to “never run away from an animal. Always go slowly. Unless I tell you to run. Then run.”
And there was one time when he was guiding a man and woman through some elephants, and a mother elephant started chasing them. So they had to run. They ran for about half a mile, and they still hadn’t gotten away. And the woman said, “I can’t go anymore. I can’t run anymore. I just can’t.”
And the guide said, “Okay. I’ll have to shoot the elephant.”
Then she said, “No. I’ll keep running.” And she did.
I think we are like that. That if the alternative is terrible, we can keep running. But first we have to really believe the alternative is terrible.
I wish I felt more fulfilled being in a marriage with the Farmer. I love retreating to my work. I read that men who have stay-at-home wives treat women at work like their wives. That might be nice. I should go get an office job.
I should set new, really high traffic goals for my blog, and meet them. Web stats are like crack: I could be obsessed and look at them every day and not care about my personal life.
But I don’t want another divorce. And the kids really love the Farmer. So I guess we are doing a trade right now. I cook and clean. And he lets me raise my kids on the farm. And the kids love him. We have not exactly discussed this trade. In fact, I have not spoken more than a few words to him in weeks.
And there was a fight. Of course. The fight was: I say something. He gets pissed off that I said it. I get hurt that he’s pissed off. I can’t remember the fight. The topic or anything.
I remember what the kids saw, though: He kicked me out of the house in front of the kids.
The kids left with me.
The next day, my seven-year-old said, “Dad. I’m sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. I’m sorry you kicked Mom out of the house.”
The Farmer said, “I didn’t kick her out of the house I….” (I can’t remember what else he said.)
And my son said, “Well you told her to get out of the house twice. And you put her stuff on the porch.”
The Farmer said, “I lost my temper. That was wrong. I should not lose my temper.”
Later. Days later. When I had already stopped talking to the Farmer, I checked in with my seven-year-old while we were driving.
“How are you feeling about the divorce?”
He asked if I was talking about divorce between me and the Farmer.
I said, no, I’m talking about the divorce that actually happened, between me and my Ex.
My son said, “I am worried that Dad is going to throw you out of the house and then I will just live with him on the farm with him and I’m worried you won’t have a place to live.”
That killed me. So many different ways it killed me.
It is well known that as a rational act of self-preservation kids will often identify with the aggressor in the marriage. And that’s what happening at my house. So I can’t let the kids see us have a fight again because our fights are not safe for them to see.
I reviewed my options. Couples therapy has been totally useless. The therapist told us he thought we were hopeless. And divorce is out of the question because I think it’s completely selfish with kids. So I decided it’s my job to figure out how to be in this house without ever having another fight with the Farmer again. Because the fights are too costly emotionally to the kids.
Which means I’m retreating to my work. My work is always there for me. And I’m so good at work. And my work is interesting and fun and I meet such cool people. So for now, that’s my best solution.
That’s the end of the post. There.
But I thought it sounded like my life is going to hell. So I did some searches about being a workaholic. I thought it would be good to write about the virtues of having a great career to turn to if your personal life sucks. I wanted to give you links to research about how people with great careers can use them as tools to create resilience.
But there were no links. There were only links about how people gain resilience from intimate relationships. And, frankly, all the research about workaholics is that they are neurotic, delusional and lonely.
I love retreating to work so much. But I didn’t want to have to tell you that because it’s so lame. So last night, I did my webinar at 8pm. And at 9pm I walked up to the Farmer, after two months of not talking to him, and I said, “I want you to hug me.”
I think he was surprised to see me even walk into his bedroom which two months ago was our shared bedroom.
He looked at me.
He said, “You must be really happy after that call. It sounded like you guys were having lots of fun.”
I said, “No. I’m sad actually. I’m sad that we are not trying hard enough at the relationship. I’m sad that work is so much more fun than my personal life.”
He hugged me.
And that is why, I think, that stories have so much power. We so much want a happy ending.
where do your kids go to deal with the emotional overwhelm of watching the consequences of all this? what are their options? This relationship is a real mindfuck for them. if you don’t think that conflict affects them, and not in a good way, you are in severe denial that has and will continue to have serious repercussions for your kids for the rest of their lives. Do whatever it takes to end the conflict – divorce, separation, whatever. For them and for you.
That was a truly brave and wonderful post. It is really a shame that women can not seem to have this dialogue with each other. Thank you so much for being so open and honest.
I think people make waaaay too much of the Fulfilling Relationship. It’s not a solution. Its a by-product. The feeling of fulfillment often comes from a shared belief or worldview; religious doctrines, or a common goal (survival!), even just ‘make a stable home for these immature, helpless humans we call children’.
The thing is, it’s the SELF that gets in the way. When people replace the SELF with a shared external goal, they’re able to deal with huge amounts of difficulty and still perform. Military veterans know about this. Anyway…
I’ve read a lot of Self-based advice in the comments. The Farmer is difficult? Sure. So are you. You guys are anything but normal. So it’s unlikely you will have a normal, ‘fulfilling’ relationship, without both of you conducting extensive self-re-training to become uh, ‘normal.’ <>
The only thing I’m worried about is if The Farmer’s anger episodes are *irrational*. Are you making him mad because (I’ll take a guess here) he has narcissistic personality disorder, and can’t stand people disagreeing with him?
Some Aspies are habitually dis-agreeable. No-sayers, as a first reaction. Some Aspies have this weird propensity for saying wildly critical things directly to people, without understanding how that just. . .might. . .get their butts kicked. Just sayin’
Anyway, be happy you have a weird relationship. Embrace the weirdness. Normal might be happier, but it’s so….normal. When the train runs off the rails, say “God we have a weird relationship, I know its hard but still glad we’re together.”
Thanks for telling us about it. It’s helped me deal with my Aspie wife. Maybe I’ll be a little less angry at her. We might even have sex. Maybe.
“Because I have found that almost always, the secrets we keep matter a lot to us, but they don’t matter to other people.”
I, too, have found that to be true.
Just read this quote by poet Stanley Kunitz, “How shall my heart be reconciled to its feast of losses?” YOu’ve experienced many losses. I found for myself that grief work helps – it helped me tremendously in that I didn’t recognize how much my losses or internal reactions to them, were impacting my daily life. The work I did did not include the need (or desire) to remember each loss but releasing pent up wounds healed me (still healing me) and improved my relationships. I know you get a lot of suggestions but if you want check out http://sacredgroves.com/events/grief-work/ and their style of grief work. Cherry
My heart sank when you said your son would stay with the Farmer. My husband lived away from home for 2 years when he had to take a job out of state because that was the only job he could find. He moved back home in March. I get so tired of compromising all the time, of him correcting what I say. I went on anti-depressants for the first time in 60 years of life because I wanted to either cry all the time and just sleep or hit him. I don’t want to go home at night, I fill my life with activities and work 60 hours a week. Men think they compromise for us but I really think we are the ones who are always giving in. Then our only recourse seems to be to not want sex with them but that is cutting off our noses! You may not be the easiest person to live with Penelope but the Farmer sounds like he waited too late in life to get married. He is a black and white kind of person and life is gray alot!
I have not read the 170+ comments… my apology if I have nothing new to offer.
My first thought… “I lost my temper.” THAT’S IT. He throws you out and then offers that excuse. He should say to your son, “I’m a coward. Do not be like me. Respect your mother.” But that’s just me.
Second… I wonder if the Farmer treats other men as he treats you? Does he speak to other men as he speaks to you?
3rd… abusive behavior cannot be ignored or appeased… it has to be confronted because it is an addiction.
Your boys will likely adopt the Farmer’s attitude and perspective about life, people, relationships, marriage, women, etc.
My secret, not so much anymore, is I was a poor husband. I had a poor role model (maybe an excuse, but true nonetheless).
After seven years of marriage, seven years of my verbal tirades and tantrums, my wife stopped me, mid sentence, probably mid syllable, with this statement eleven years ago, “Do you want her to think this is normal?”
‘Her’ was our 5yr old daughter watching, listening, and absorbing yet another verbal tirade unfairly directed toward my wife.
I no longer behave irrationally. I am accountable to me. I certainly wouldn’t want my daughter to marry that guy from 2001.
I thank God I ‘got it’ before I ruined my family.
Wow!
I’ve been enjoying your posts and this just blew me away. There seems to be no clear answers, no perfect ending/begining. But you have something so many of us don’t.
You have hope.
I love that.
Perhaps that’s the best you can shoot for. One thing that I have learned, is that we can’t ever really know one another all the way through. And that’s okay, it is.
You and The Farmer are both trying to find your way and my hope, is that you’ll do it together…
Okay, this is where I would give you a HUGE hug, I would.
We need you, you’re voice is so important.
Okay, I don’t know all of the details of this marital abuse – we only know what Penelope has chosen to show, which was a small bruise on the buttock. Many question the way in which she chose to display the photo as attention getting, and to be honest I think it was. She wanted people to react to her naked ass.
Here’s the thing. There’s a difference between domestic abuse and a heated moment. My Mother lived watching my Grandfather beat my Grandmother to a bloody pulp on a regular basis.
This summer, during a sudden, heated argument my husband shook me for about 5 seconds (very bad because I have a severe herniated disc) and then he broke my toe by stomping on my foot. He didn’t mean to break my toe. I was agressively trying to back away from him, just as agressively as he was trying to grip my arms.
It was really easy for my best girl friends to say he’s an abuser and that I should leave him asap. However I’ve known my husband for 15 years and he would never, willingly hurt anyone or anything. It was an extreme heated moment and an accident in which my toe was broken.
Penelope has been very forthcoming in stating that she pushes the Farmer’s buttons. She is most often the instigator of their arguments.
Unless we live in their house, don’t rush to judgement and call the farmer an abuser. It takes two to tango. We often hurt the ones we love the most. It’s our duty as parents and as spouses to try to save any marriage that is worthy of doing so. It’s also our responsibility in my opinion to leave if it’s truly violent. I don’t believe Penelope lives in a violent environment. I think she winds the Farmer up, he breaks because he can’t handle that and wants a peaceful existence, then the argument happens.
This seems like a pattern and patterns CAN be broken. Think about it Penelope.
Penelope,
It strikes me as illogical that you talk about your marital problems as though you did not have Asperger’s. Then, when people react accordingly, you retreat into blaming the Asperger’s for why you stay.
If you want it to work out chose the narrative which works with the Farmer. Make enough room inside you for narratives work with the Farmer. Chose. Its like getting out of your own way, not finding a new way. I had a big problem between two people I love, neithers narrative worked together, so I told both of them my problem with their narratives not working together, they resolved it in 5 minutes. People are smarter than we are.
This is such an interesting comment to me given that I pretty much create the narrative of the Farmer on this blog. I do have a good sense of what narratives work for him. You give me a new way to think about the marriage. Thanks.
Penelope
Laughing, I suspected with Narrative you’d get more of your mind around it. Darndest thing was at the end of those two sorting their narrative out, one decided make light of the conversation since it was serious and emotional. It pissed the other one off. Tension is gone, but I’m not in the middle of the scewed up narratives, they own the narrative outside of myself. Never allow another end a serious conversation lightly, respectfully yes. Making light of anothers seriousness, pisses them off, even if youv’e just cleared a dozen screw ups perfectly. Warm hugs and earnest prayers.
A winter without warm hugs sucks!!!!
Hi Penelope.
I don’t know you at all in real life, so obviously I’m lacking significant amounts of data to give input here. As well, even if I did know you, it’s not my right to tell you how to live your life.
But I will say some things based on my own experience.
Firstly, is that I had to find a way to get clear in my life about my own limitations and the parts of dysfunctional behavior that were mine.
If I am constantly “breaking down” and becoming verbally abusive or acting in ways that are hurtful, then I need to fix that FIRST. I cannot figure out what to do in a relationship situation when I am acting completely out of line.
The way to do that is to know what I want my life to look like, to see a relationship out in the world that I can model myself after. There are precious few of those, but they do exist.
By being around healthier people and seeing how they behave and handle things, I can start to implement those practices in my own life.
Since you seem big on science and research and learning–I’d say to treat it like any new job. If you wanted to learn how to be really good at designing houses, you might go to school, you would find a mentor, you’d become an apprentice.
Learning how to live in a more balanced, responsible way (interpersonally) means finding people who DO IT and LEARNING from them. I don’t mean therapists, although that can be part of it. I mean learning it like a trade, learning it like my life depends on it.
That’s what I have done, and it’s helped me significantly over a long period of years.
At a certain point, I’ve been able to start taking more responsibility for my own behavior and my own choices.
Hope that helps some.
Aaron
Sorry that I haven’t left a comment before now. I wish, oh how I wish, I could have a conversation with you about marriage but I can only comment. Oh well.
I’ve been married forty years. Quite a few of us long termers very seldom give advice on marriage. Same way with people who have raised children who become successful adults. Most of the time it’s because the people who ask really don’t want to do the work in either marriage or raising children.
But you do and I like you for that.
On divorce you’re right, on homeschooling your children you’re right. You see the long picture, the hard work and you are willing to invest yourself for the long term. I am so proud of you. It’s not easy is it?
On marriage I have always said it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. You understand what I mean, don’t you? The ones that don’t, get divorced.
Don’t fret the separate bedrooms, my husband and I have had them for years. That’s love. For us that works.
Take it easy Penelope, nothing is happening that a little time won’t take care of, you just take a step back and let it sort itself out.
Keep asking for the hugs, Farmer matters to you, not just to your children.
Gotta go, take care of yourself.
If you are determined to stay, one of the most important things for you to do is to stop thinking of the Farmer as the agressor. He’s not.
Also consider that being married is not a one-way decision. His comfort level with your ‘agreement’ is as important as yours if your (apparently only) goal is to have an ‘intact’ home for the kids.
You may feel you have an implicit agreement, you may be determined to stick it out, but he may find one day that this type of married life isn’t enough for him and he will find a girlfriend or leave. Then what will your sacrifices have been for?
You are the only person you can change here. And that’s not likely to happen while you keep thinking of him as the agressor.
Penelope,
I so greatly admire you for your raw honesty in writing this post. I hope that you and the Farmer come to the resolution that will benefit everyone involved.
As a daughter of divorced parents, I want you to know that I have seen both sides of the coin, both my biological parents never fought in front of me, so when their marriage ended, I was somewhat baffled. It was not until later that I realized that although they are both excellent parents and good people, they didn’t belong together. The second time around for my mother has been the complete opposite. I never knew my Mom had a feisty side until I saw her unleash it on her second husband.
Matters of the heart are never simple nor easy. I imagine many will throw you more than their two pennies about this topic. I, never having been married nor having bore children, only have this to say.
I know it’s painfully cliche, but life is so very, very short. We do a great disservice to ourselves and our loved ones when we don’t do what will make us happy and what will keep us peace. If it means keeping your nose in your work, that’s not being a workaholic, that’s being pragmatic and productive when your world doesn’t feel right. Chin up, lady. Your happy ending isn’t a destination, it’s an evolution. Be well.
Veronica
In a previous life, I was deadset against a divorce.
Then, I had the experience of catching my ex having an affair 3X. Then things got ugly with false and formal accusations where she accused me of molesting 3 of 4 children (she later withdrew her charges) – but the damage was done. My eldest has been twisted by my ex and believes that allegations – and therefore I haven’t seen or heard from my eldest in a long time. In a way, she did me a favor with the abuse charges as prior to that, I was willing to work on things and tried to (even though she was the one to file divorce). After the charges I never wanted to see her face again – ever.
What was once a very strong parental / child relationship has been destroyed. Her current boyfriend, a man with self professed ties to the Hells Angels threatened me so much, and across state lines (including giving my social security number to ex-con friends of his) that I had to get the FBI involved and ultimately file a Harassment Restraining Order agains him.
I firmly believe, that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in my case and that my ex has some serious undiagnosed and untreated mental illness (as do others in her family). I have been asked by some when / why I won’t move back to Minnesota to be near my children, but being that close would only expose them to her and her boyfriend’s abuse and acrimony – something my children don’t need to witness ever again.
My point in all this is that I now view divorce differently. There are worse things than divorce – such as setting the example of living with an abusive / mentally unstable spouse ‘for the sake of the children’. I feel that my children will be better off not being witness to her mental abuse of me, and now have a better example of how things can be when they visit me in my ‘new life.’
I think marriage and relationships require work so I don’t agree with the earlier poster that stated marriage should be fun and easy or you’re doing something wrong. We work at our jobs, go to development courses, work at our hobbies and take lessons (skiing, tennis, golf etc.) but many people think that the most important relationship in their lives should require no work or come easily. I agree with you that many advise that if it’s tough you should simply move on and find something better. I don’t agree with that – but there are times when you have no choice.
I believe that if parents can work though their difficulties, work through the tough times, commit to helping the other grow to be the best version of themselves and take joy in seeing that come to pass (agape love), then the growth that can happen will be profound. THe lessons we teach our children in the process can be very helpful to them as well too.
I enjoy your posts and wish you and your husband the very best. Be understanding of each other, gentle with each other, empathetic with each other, supportive of each other, and model the type of behavior you want your sons to see and internalize as they grow into the best men, spouses and citizens THEY can be
P has enough sense to recognize she and the Farmer are a fit despite the rough edges inherent when two mature strong personalities live together.
Hey, she crossed a line with him and pissed him off, and he lost his temper. So what? He is not the typical metrosexual male familiar to the readership and she wouldn’t be interested in him if he was. Likewise he is attracted to a strong woman.
Hug and make up is a great ending. Just should have happened earlier. Life is too short.
When I’m in doubt, I consult with the elders as they are many times the wisest – http://legacyproject.human.cornell.edu/2012/09/the-secret-to-marriage-dont-keep-score/
I can teach you how to resolve conflicts peacefully and respectfully. You need to stop the “Silent treatment” because it is emotionally abusive and highly dysfunctional.
I can also teach you how to have more and better sex.
It is what I do, I will send you a PDF copy of my soon to be published book for you to read and it contains these secrets.
MEN NEED SEX AND RESPECT, deny them and you are well on your way to divorce. You need to stop the pain and learn how to make up and do it better
You should not feel like a failure because couple’s therapy was a failure. Here is a dirty little secret in the industry: Tradtional marriage counselors have a 75% FAILURE RATE!
I offer an unheard of in the industry money back guarantee because I believe that I should be accountable to my clients.
I have an 80% success rate and I will give you and the farmer each a half hour complimentary session. Just drop me a note at my email at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com or my blog at marriagecoach.com
Read:
http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html
http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/the-other-16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html/3/
I started to write all this crap and then said “Eff it.”
Instead of telling us about The Farmer, talk to your husband. Your telling us about what happened in this incredibly public forum and not speaking to him screams of disrespect for the relationship that you have created with him.
Do I condone his violent behavior? No. Does it instantly qualify for divorce? That’s your call.
It takes work for a marriage to be awesome and successful. You and your husband have to work with each other and on each other and together as a couple. That’s why it’s called marriage. P.S. And it isn’t going to be perfect.
4.I don’t know if you want this marriage to work. I don’t know if you want it enough to do the heavy lifting and your husband has to want that too. And you have to want it to work for the right reasons – not just because you don’t want to further scar your children. The relationship between the two of you is the genesis of the harmony in your lives and the lives of your children.
Your husband should bring out the best in you, he should be a compliment to what already exists inside you, not something that is filling a void in your own existence, your own being.
I commend you for starting with asking for a hug and I hope it has progressed from there.
I am a child of divorced parents, and I think it is absolutely toxic of parents stay married “for the kids”. The kids are going to blame themselves, no matter what you do. Because they are kids. So they either blame themselves for years and years of toxic abuse, hurt, fights, and anger, or they blame themselves for a breakup that happens and then is over. You get over the divorce. I promise. I did. It’s not selfish. Staying with someone who is abusive is selfish.
I don’t know why everyone is writing comments about your marriage – when this post is actually about being a workaholic. Which you are, Penelope.
I don’t think this is about how terrible the Farmer is or how terrible Penelope is.
You’re obviously an ambitious woman and stress comes with the territory sometimes until you can say everything is perfect. And when will that ever be? So, here is my wish for you, that you become less of a workaholic and enjoy how much you accomplish.
Maybe you work too much. I think you are so generous with your life and your talent and your skills – that you don’t give yourself enough of a break. Don’t listen to all these people telling you that you need more psychological help. So what, you’re crazy – and you’re comfortable with it.
And if this is the closest thing to a balanced life right now – then accept it. And who knows, you probably already do. Which is why you’re such a star, and why you’re like supermom or something, I dunno.
Wish you the best today!
and oh ya, i forget to mention that i’m a complete workaholic too. i drive myself crazy a lot of the time. i’m pretty isolated with the exception of having a really awesome best-friend. so i feel i can relate with your desire to have a friendship in a marriage – but then feel estranged from him at the same time when you realize the relationship is not 100% perfect or not what you expected.
thinking like this used to drive me back and forth between my work and my relationship. in the end, i realized that my relationship was feeding my work so i just accepted that the hard stuff, like his harshness towards me, are apart of my learning lessons in life.
and that’s why i can be so easy going about your troubles right now. i left your blog and was afraid i sounded really insensitive to what you’re going through – so just wanted to clarify that.
yeah, assuming you even read all this stuff. lol
ok, bye for now.
I Left two very cogent and articulate comments. Did you delete them and why or did they go into your spam file?
Aspergers & Narcissism is a dangerous combination, but it makes for an interesting read…
I think you’re brave for writing this, and that your writing is good for you.
I’ve read your book. I understand where you might get thresholds for a perception of harm that are higher than average.
I want you to think about something, which is habituation and instinct vs. “what the data says”.
The data on whether your kids are happier, staying with the farmer, has been called into question well by others here. (If you think a survey over a topic this incredibly broad brings real insight, I think that’s crazy – your marriage is not a statistical aggregate, the standard deviation here is huge ) I’d like to take a different tack.
In your comments here, you have admitted more or less directly that you want to stay married because: #1. It is hard #2. You admire others for doing hard things, and this is a hard thing #3. You will be and feel proud of yourself and motivated for doing hard things. I also suspect you’re afraid that you won’t get another chance (I doubt it)
But this is something whose success is fundamentally beyond your control. The farmer could leave at any time, and if it sucks for him and he is sane, he will. And if it sucks for him, he is very unlikely to be nonsucky for you as well as your kids. Being a good father requires being a decent husband, enough to not make your wife very unhappy. And vice versa.
Furthermore, you should be able to see that while the drive to succeed (and to be accepted and to conquer one’s personal failings) is a powerful psychological motivation for you to want to do this, that does not mean it is actually in your best emotional interests, i.e. that it will make you happy. This is not the post of a happy person. i will help you know that. I am skeptical that it is abnormal. You’ve been unhappy a lot in your life, so you may think this is acceptable, but it shouldn’t be.
Conquering one’s personal failings – you’re trying to do that by sticking around, but sticking around, not quitting, is your personal failing, I think.
You have a history of continuing to do things for a very, very long time after coming to know on some level that they are not healthy or happy for you. You want to do things because you want to win, because you are driven to repeat yourself, because your drive turns habits into addictions. Where you are with the farmer is like where you were with bulimia. You want to continue because you want to be able to continue. And because submission to your instinct to continue is easier than not continuing. You think this is hard, and it may be emotionally unpleasant, but I think this is the easy choice for you because it goes with your instincts.
Furthermore, while you might be able to “win” by not leaving, you can’t “win” in the sense you really want – to make this relationship good for you and your kids – by yourself. It is genuinely impossible. Relationships are fundamentally not things at which you can make into happy and healthy things via effort in all cases, because they are cooperative endeavors. If your partner is bad, you cannot make him nonbad. You have no power over him. Neither does anyone else.
You seem to think that the negative act of refusing to quit is a thing, but it brings no positive things itself. It’s maybe admirable in avoiding what you imagine to be a worse alternative, but you are terrible at recognizing when right the hell now is already so terrible that something different is unlikely to be worse. This is one of those times, at least so it seems from here.
I’ve been reading you occasionally for some time. I respect your commitment, but I think it’s clear that you are doing it to meet an arbitrary and self-defined standard of success, because that’s easier than walking into a fear of an also self-defined failure.
Remember – your partner, the farmer, is doing bad things and there is nothing you can do that will make him stop. Especially because you have defined “make my partner stop doing bad things” completely out of the set of things it takes to make your marriage work.
You want hard? That’s goddamn hard. Try that. But remember that no matter how good you are or what you do, if he decides not to change, you will fail. It’s beyond your control, just like making this marriage into a good thing is beyond your control. All cooperative endeavors are like that. No one can make relationships, that require reciprocal positive feedback to be healthy, into beneficial things without help from the other.
Remember. And good luck. You’ll figure this out in time.
Hi,
I never write posts on anyone’s blogs! Never…..but I have to say that since “finding” you on the internet has just been a game-changer for me! Thank you, thank you…that is all.
Best to you,
Sue
Thanks for this very nice publish.