You can’t manage your work life if you can’t talk about it
Recently I ran the following twitter:
“I’m in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there’s a fucked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin.”
Why the uproar over this twitter?
Not only have bloggers written whole posts about the disgustingness of it, but 70 people unfollowed me, and people actually came to my blog and wrote complaints about the twitter on random, unrelated posts.
So, to all of you who think the twitter was outrageous, think about this:
Most miscarriages happen at work. Twenty-five percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Seventy-five percent of women who are of child-bearing age are working. Most miscarriages run their course over weeks. Even if you are someone who wanted the baby and are devastated by the loss, you’re not going to sit in bed for weeks. You are going to pick up your life and get back to it, which includes going back to work.
This means that there are thousands of miscarriages in progress, at work, on any given day. That we don’t acknowledge this is absurd. That it is such a common occurrence and no one thinks it’s okay to talk about is terrible for women.
Throughout history, the way women have gained control of the female experience is to talk about what is happening, and what it’s like. We see that women’s lives are more enjoyable, more full, and women are more able to summon resilience when women talk openly about their lives.
To all of you who said a miscarriage is gross: Are you unaware that the same blood you expel from a miscarriage is what you expel during menstruation? Are you aware that many people are having sex during menstruation and getting it on the sheets? Are you aware that many women actually like period sex? Wait. Here is a link I love, at askmen.com, telling men that women like it so much that men need to be aware of this preference.
To all of you who are aghast that I let myself get pregnant: having sex is playing with odds. There are no 100% sure methods of birth control. I am 42 years old. The likelihood of someone my age getting pregnant even with fertility treatment is less than 5%. The likelihood that a pregnancy in someone my age ends in a miscarriage is almost 75%. This means that even if I had done nothing for birth control it would have been as effective as a 25-year-old using a condom. So everyone who is complaining that I’m an idiot for getting pregnant should go buy a calculator.
To all of you who said I should not be happy about having a miscarriage: You are the ones short on empathy. Any woman who is pregnant but wishes she weren’t would of course be grateful when she has a miscarriage. Yes, there are many women who want the baby and have a miscarriage. I was one of them. I cried for days. I get it.
But if you have ever had an abortion, which I have, you would know that a miscarriage is preferable to an abortion. Even the Pope would agree with that.
And what is up with the fact that just one, single person commented about how Wisconsin has a three-week waiting period for abortions? It is absolutely outrageous how difficult it was going to be for me to get an abortion, and it’s outrageous that no one is outraged.
Wisconsin is one of twelve states that have 24-hour waiting periods. This puts a huge burden on an overworked system. These are also the states where there are few ways to get an abortion. For example, in Wisconsin, the only place to get abortion that is covered by insurance is at a Planned Parenthood clinic. There are 3 of them in all of Wisconsin. In Chicago, you can get an abortion at Planned Parenthood with less than 24 hours notice. In Wisconsin, there is a week and a half wait to get the first meeting and a week and half wait to get the abortion.
A digression: I’m linking to Planned Parenthood so everyone can make a donation. This organization is enabling women to have the right to abortion. Planned Parenthood seems to be the only effective, community-level force against states that are attempting to legislate the choice into oblivion.
To all of you who think this has nothing to do with work:
I think what really upsets people is the topic. We are not used to talking about the female experience, and especially not in the context of work. But so what? We can start now. The female experience is part of work. What we talk about when we talk about work defines how we integrate work into our lives. If work is going to support our lives, then we need to talk about how our lives interact with work. We need to be honest about the interaction if we hope to be honest about our work.
Tom, I’m a guy, and I have to say I want to punch you in the cock, repeatedly.
You’re a total asshat. Here’s an eye-opening thought: The world does not exist solely to validate your very existence, or give flight to your every thought and belief.
You think abortion is wrong? Don’t have one. Don’t ask your partner/wife/concubine to have one. There are people who disagree with you, and have the legal right to do so.
You have no right to dictate what constitutes “proper decorum” for another person’s sharing online. If the subject matter doesn’t ring your bells, DON’T READ THE FUCKING BLOG.
People are not their genders, or their cultural backgrounds, or their jobs. They are multi-faceted, complex HUMAN beings who are sometimes not smooth-edged and perfect. They can be pointy and jagged and imperfect. Life is not always a press release or a fucking Hollywood movie.
And I have seen more women have miscarriages at work, in jobs that were unwilling to let them go home, let alone have time off. That women are constantly doing this, or, indeed, giving birth, and cope with events that would knock a grown man on his ass, is definitely worthy of respect.
I found this post via Jezebel (who got it completely wrong IMHO).
“We are not used to talking about the female experience, and especially not in the context of work. But so what? We can start now. The female experience is part of work.”
I completely agree. Thanks Penelope. Good for you. I’m going to follow your blog from now on.
I am sooooo glad you Tweeted!! Even though I don’t tweet!
Nor do I follow anyones Tweets.
I did catch a “piece” of your interview being run on
CNN today and I just watched a little more on the web.
YOU SPOKE THE TRUTH about yourself and about the state our nation is in when it comes to the slow corruption of our Reproductive Rights. The message you have been able to share is priceless.
Laws are being passed all over our nation to prevent and delay a decision a woman has made about her own body. A decision that is personal and her choice. History shows us that if a woman does not want to carry a pregnancy to term then she WILL do what she can to have that control. Take our legal rights away and women will die.
The doctors of yesteryear (before Roe V Wade gave us access to legal abortions) do remember the women who died in ER’s across the country, and those who were brought in from home suffering from botched abortions with raging and often deadly infections. These doctors are all a dying breed. These were women were our sisters, mothers, aunts and daughters. Statistics were not kept on how many died. It was illegal and to report the truth back then would bring the woman and her family possible legal problems, not to mention social disgrace.
In Florida teenagers must get a Judge to render them mature enough to make this decision. If for some reason the can not get a parental consent ( No doubt if a girl is afraid to tell her parents, most often it is for a VERY good reason) then they must petition a Judge and face a legal system they know nothing about. In the rual areas this can mean traveling a few counties over. It is absurd.
These are all ways the right wing conservative anti choice advocates are rearing their controlling little heads and it all adds up in the end to taking away our legal right to abortions.
We have over 20,000 children in the State of Florida sitting and waiting…all available for legal adoption after being removed (most often)from dangerous homes and there are far more than that in need of Foster Care.
I knew when I was capable to face the challenge of Motherhood and it wasn’t when I was 16. I had my first child at 21 and another at 31. Now I am a Grandmother of 2.
The only guilt I have ever had over having an abortion was the fact that I never felt guitly!
This Mama/Grandmama thanks you for speaking out and telling the world your story.
As for all the drama Queens and Kings posting their insults and snippy little comments trying to shame and insult you…they should take out their own issues in a more constructive way and volunteer at a local Children’s Home this upcoming weekend and spend some time in the real world.
As they say..If you ask for patience and tolerance you are sure to get idiots placed in your path.
Please know you have MILLIONS of women and a lot of men too who are behind you 100 %. I am just one of them.
Tallahassee, FL
Thank you for your usual honesty. Women are not honest enough about the many challenges in our lives and we should feel we can. I for one, like to be honest. Telling people how much I did not enjoy pregnancy brought about looks of horror from people. Really?!?!?! I was sick for 7 1/2 straight months…nauseous with no relief unless I was eating, had just eaten or was at least chewing. I’m sorry not to keep the fairy tale going people…but it sucked!
And you know I’m a big fan of connecting work and life. They are connected and should be! You aren’t two people…one at home and one at work…they spill over to each other. And you should be able to talk about both whenever, where ever, however you want.
Thanks!
I just saw your bit on cnn.com. It’s amazing that you are willing to speak so honestly and frankly. We need many many more people like you to combat all the ignorance in the world. Thank you, from all of woman-kind!
The problem I have with your tweet is a little different from everyone else’s…it is your assumption that you were having a miscarriage. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had an episode of sudden cramping and a huge gush of blood. I was convinced I was losing the baby and became hysterical for the first time in my life. Rushed to the hospital, and was reassured that this type of episode was very common and that I was not miscarrying. I continued to have pain and bleeding for the next few hours, then successfully carried to term. I can understand your jumping to the conclusion you did, but it seems more prudent to wait to announce such news until you are certain of the situation…just as it is prudent to wait to announce a pregnancy until it has been established and decisions made about its continuation.
It’s disgusting to me that you were more upset over the fact you were going to have to travel to Chicago than you were over the decision to terminate your pregnancy. Well aren’t you lucky you had a miscarriage and saved the gas money. Shameful!
I think it’s awesome that you have chosen to go public with this. You are absolutely right, we as women, don’t want to talk about miscarriage, but we SHOULD be talking about this and it’s perfectly normal and healthy to talk about it. Most women will experience it and to shun it is wrong and un-empathetic. And I for one, AM outraged at what our states have been allowed to get away with when it comes to limiting abortion. It’s ridiculous. With that comes a public responsibility to provide cheaper contraception, which I’m also outraged is not more available and more affordable!
men don’t talk alot about issues in life that we aren’t thrilled about, and it is inspiring about the right woman have earned to make a living,own land, have rights over their bodies.
i even texted my best male friend tonight that we need to shart discussing more issues that we feel men are denying and burying inside.
i think the judeo christian God or your God or universe however you want to believe is big enough to reward any
lost opportunity an infant or adult experiences.
some of the judgementals on this blog, my belief is your giving too much power to humankind, when the universal God is able to promote and reward any undeserved suffering in this life or eternity.
one thing seems ironic is that woman are allowed reproductive freedom but prostitution is illegal in most states except nevada and rhode island where they believe it is in invasion of privacy and protected by the constitution.
yes it still has a stigma even in legal countries, but they don’t deny a woman her personal choice as a way to make a living that seems best to her if handled safely till something better comes along and to use that income for living, schooling, buying home…
none of us came make the sun come up tommorrow
i think love involves freedom ; if we try to compel someone to do something i don’t believe that is love, and we need to step out of the way
i also believe love involves freedom and acceptance
so if any of you unattached eg free :) ladies want to start a fam
i’m 5’10 trim 46 professional and never had a child though was married to a woman with three
Gio
nycguy550@aol.com
Why don’t you get on birth control instead of using abortion as your means of contraception?
She “twittered” about it to get her 10 minutes of fame. And it worked. We’re here griping. She is thrilled that her baby died. Who knows if she was even pregnant? Whatever stunt will get people to look at your blog. Hits = money.
Should miscarriage be spoken about publicly? Yes. Is it appropriate for someone jump up and down with joy about the death of their child publicly? No. I don’t know how you can do it. Surely you must look at your children and wonder what this baby would have looked like? Ah.. whatever. Your “career” is worth it!
I completely support the right to an abortion, and I agree that a miscarriage is preferable to an abortion should you be pregnant and unhappy about it and even I think it was a bad idea to twitter about it. If only because you apparently run a business and like 57% of Americans are anti choice. Yes, miscarriages are a natural, if sporadic, occurrence for women but so is, I don’t know, explosive diarrhea. I wouldn’t twitter about that…
Thank you for this article.
I hope I can make a difference at my workplace someday…
by assisting with issues related to such a sensitive topic.
THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Just saw your clip on CNN. I live in Canada and hadn’t heard about you until I saw a link on facebook.
Truth-telling. Honesty.
Huge respect to you for being so real!
<3
Penelope – I had a miscarriage begin at work over 18 years ago. It was shocking, which led quickly into devastating, which led quickly into my having to be back at work because it’s not exactly covered under any type of sick leave.
What surprised me when I did start talking about it, was finding out how common the occurrence is. It made me feel both normal, and at the same time, furious that it is such a hush hush topic.
This country’s panties are in such a puritanical wad it is not surprising that the best we offer our teens is Just DON’T do it, and that miscarriage is still viewed as some dirty secret.
One person’s ‘too much information’ is another person’s ‘thank goodness someone is finally talking about it’. If you don’t like it, find it offensive, or disagree with her opinion, just move on. Can’t you find something better to argue about than a woman’s right to say what she’s thinking/feeling? I applaud Penelope for being real!
Just saw the CNN interview on their website, and thought you did great trying to get your points across, especially when being interviewed by someone with a bias against abortion and and an ignorance on how a miscarriage can work.
People who follow you on Twitter should know you tweet on personal issues – those who follow and are offended by such shouldn’t really complain, it’s like to subscribing to Hustler magazine (if people still do that) and then loudly blasting them for their (well-known) subject matter. Don’t like the content? Don’t subscribe.
Wow, you talk about the hoops Wisconsin forces you to jump through to get an abortion. It’s people like you that use abortion as a means of birth control who help create these hoops. I was empathetic towards you until I read about your previous 2 abortions. Grow up and learn how to not get knocked up. Just disgusting!
I totally cannot see myself in your position having the same view of your pregnancy/abortion/miscarriage, or of wanting to share about it on Twitter. But I very much appreciate your sharing — I have learned a lot following this post and the media attention you’ve gotten. I DO agree with you that communicating about such things is essential to improving career experiences, especially for women.
I think you are very brave facing down CNN in person — thank you for the attention you’ve brought to these issues, and I hope all the fallout hasn’t been too much of a stress on you.
wow. thank you so much for opening up this dialogue, Penelope, and for being brave enough to put yourself out there.
i am shocked at how completely clueless and self-righteous so many people are.
to the people saying that P’s reaction to her miscarriage was callous: why is it expected that we MUST have a certain type of emotional response to the situation? how can you try to tell others how to feel? why can’t we talk about something like miscarriage in a perfectly calm + unemotional way?
and to the people saying the post was TMI: THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. it is personal on purpose.
2 years ago i had an abortion. i did not regret it. i felt no remorse for the fetus. i wasn’t sad about not letting it grow into a human. i didn’t want it to, i didn’t want to have it, i don’t want to grow it. my choice to make, and it was an easy choice that i was glad to be in control of. i didn’t question my decision or feel any doubt about what my choice would be. is that callous? i guess i don’t care. an unwanted child is not a positive situation for anyone.
i found out remarkably early that i was pregnant, yet i had to wait until i was EIGHT WEEKS along to have an abortion. this was because there was simply a huge wait list to get an appointment.
being pregnant for eight weeks when you don’t want to be is fucking torture. my body was completely alien to me, my tits were insanely huge and sore, my hormones were out the roof, and yes, i still had to work every fucking day. even getting the day off for my abortion, which i said was a dentist’s appointment, proved difficult: they asked me if i could come in after the appointment + stay late. i said it was a root canal and that i would be on too many painkillers. they begrudgingly gave me the day off.
but you know i should have been able to say to my boss, “look, i’m pregnant and i am getting an abortion this day, so i won’t be in.” i WISH i could have said that. but that is just not OK to say to your boss. and that makes me really sad.
the abortion was painful – getting a needle in your cirvix is intense, excrutiating pain. afterwards it took another 2 weeks until my body felt recognizable to me. none of my friends knew. other than one, the few that i tried to tell – women – didn’t really seem interested and gave me pat, curt little responses that made me question their intellect. luckily my boyfriend was amazing and went through the whole thing with me, including holding me afterwards while i dry-heaved in a park and spoon-feeding me gingerale while my body tried to understand what was going on.
but the whole experience was 10 weeks during which i felt completely demented + physically fucked, and couldn’t tell anyone at my job about it. i know that i would have been fired, and that is not right.
women have long been taught that our bodies are weird, gross, and shameful. we’re not supposed to be in control of our bodies or in control of our sexuality. we’re not supposed to talk about our periods, female ejaculation, enjoying sex, having casual sex, masturbating, miscarriages, abortion, or anything else, and when we do we are met with judgement and raised eyebrows and questions about our sanity and quips about TMI. i’m sick of it. open communication solves so many problems and educates on so many levels. i cannot believe that the western world is still so backwards in this regard.
Thanks WC. It seems like people find it easy dismiss the uncomfortable parts of pregnancy with this sort of glib attitude of, “Isn’t the female body just amazing!” If you read up on the rashes, the joint aches, the constant crampiness, the hormones, the moles (I mean, really, moles?), and all the other craziness that goes along with a pregnancy, it makes you realize how important it is that a woman can choose whether or not to put herself through it.
wow the judgements are still flying today
when we are angry with our fellow human aren’t we guilty of something also
i guess it depends on our degree of anger as to what we are gulity of; if we wish we could find that person in the desert and kill them with no one looking, for some offense
to us or another we would be a murderer. Or if we just wanted to insult that person or cut their arm off we would be guilty of something; or if we wanted to take away a person’s right to breath? ..ring a bell opps i’ve been there:)
seems like the some christians forget the prodigal son whom the “Father” ran to embraced, put a ring on his finger a robe on his shoulders, kissed and called his servants to slaughter a fatted cafe and make a feast.
The prodigal son was wasting his inheritance, but notice
the father’s reaction
or the good sheperd, who did no harm to any man, sermon on the mount about anger matt 5:22
you, who are angry might be surprised to see some of the people whom we are angry at sitting closer and higher
at the banquet feast than us, and these aborted children
higher even still; and i and the woman, whom didn’t feel ready and capable at the time, have no problem with that and them being higher lifted up and rewarded.
who’s to say that birth control, vasectomies, tubes tied isn’t the same thing anyway but maybe that is just too much
philosophy right now and i wouldn’t want people with a tendency to be judgemental judging themselves and feeling bad-truly ; but an interesting thought if you can remove yourself; and commit to an almighty merciful state of mind while you consider it.
Weird.
About four weeks ago I got a faint positive test. We’ve been trying for a 2nd child. The next day I got another, fainter positive test – from the same box. The third day I got a negative test. The fourth day I took a blood test. I received a negative result on the fifth day, together with a period. I was at the time in the emergency for my husband, who has just received a blood patch for a spontaneous cerebral fluid leak he’s had for three months. I was there in the emergency room, thinking I’m having a miscarriage. I was thinking, only one of us can be registered at the emerg at a time. I was thinking, whow this is nowhere near as bad as the last time, I will take it standing. Last time I lost her at 13 weeks. This time it felt like nothing.
A week later I learned that it was in fact a defective pregnancy test, I was not pregnant.
I wonder if these stone throwers are also judgmental of everything even themselves and suffering health problems?
Thank you for posting, Penelope. Some people are about as clever as a sack of potatoes when it comes to debating. Sorry for the collective mass that seems to have come down upon you. There will always be the Planned Parenthood group of supporters, though. Your strength invites others, like me, to be strong, too.
hey ioana,
thanks for your story helps me have and feel compassion
hope your husband has a total and complete and whole recovery
regards,
Gio
Sometimes there is too too much TMI. The fact that you were discussing you were having a miscarriage at work does not bother me, i applaud you for it. People do go through this a lot at work and it should be discussed, just like if someone had a heart attack at work. The fact you were so nonchalant about being happy you didn’t need to spend the time to have an abortion was a little too much. Somethings should be left better off not said in the workplace and discussed amongst friends and family.
I know you’re one of the founders of the your company, but i’m curious about how the people who you work with or work for you feel about this? Do they think it’s too much or just don’t care or quite possibly just don’t want to say anything to cause conflict at work?
I’ve never worked in an environment where everyone had the same religious, political, or social views as me and learned not to discuss certain things at work. I think abortion was high on that list.
When I had my miscarriage (the real one at 13 weeks, not the false positive one a month ago) I was given the d&c the next day. Here in socialist Canada. For free.
Think about it before making your decision about “socialized medicine”.
Penelope,
You bring up a very important issue, and one that deserves to be discussed. Kudos to you for taking something so personal and applying it to career development.
However, why should it be discussed in the forum of the workplace? I don’t discuss my period, my headaches, or the arguments I have with my family at work. Should we also discuss abortion at work?
True, it is important to share and talk with colleagues; you are always happier in the workplace if you can relate. But men (typically) don’t discuss their prostate cancer, their low sperm count, or their struggles with baldness. I realize it’s not a completely apt analogy, but I think you understand what I am getting at.
Second, the way you brought it up (in a Tweet, as others have said, with no followup (for example, “let’s discuss this on the blog,” or “petition your employers for better healtcare coverage”) is what makes it frustrating to some people, I think, that you write in this post that you want people to have active conversations about this in the workplace but offer no framework for doing so other than the tweet. Should we all tweet about our miscarriages then? That seems to be the method you are advocating.
In addition to this, you also discredit yourself as a source for reliable debate because the way you write about your abortions and miscarriage in your blog, you represent yourself as someone who has sex irresponsibly, and as those above have pointed out, your math in the blog post is wrong.
I love that you brought this topic up, but your method of delivery undermines it.
You are obviously a brave and intelligent woman. You have my unwavering support.
Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever talked about this topic or even heard someone talk about this topic before. And I have had 5 miscarriages at work. I have a genetic condition that causes most of my pregnancies to end in miscarriage. During the years we were trying to have kids and eventually finding out about the disorder I had to got through it 5 times. At work. While at meetings, while sitting at my desk, and while trying to somehow pull myself enough together to get through each day. I never stepped back to think that so many other women have gone through it. I now work from home and have a 6 and a 4 year old. Life is good. But the memories of those times at work are sharp & still pretty clear. So I appreciate your tweet & your post, because you know that I was not the only one who read this and though “been there.”
And by the way, I think waiting periods suck, and that states and the federal government should let us make our own life choices with a little dignity, a little privacy, and on our own timetable.
I can appreciate a person wanting to share their personal experiences with others. What I cannot appreciate is when one person generalizes a medical condition based upon her own experience and minimizes what can be a very traumatic and painful experience for another person. My cousin just lost her baby, and it was both physically and emotionally agonizing for her. She has a deep sense of loss, as does all of our family. She went through 36 hours of labor and waiting before the lifeless angel was delivered. She spent days in the hospital and will now be recovering at home for a couple of weeks. It was NOT like having a period at all. It has been just awful, and it is her faith in God which has helped the most. Yes, the Constitution allows you to express yourself, but at what cost? You are not a medical doctor or medical researcher. Your experience is not what every woman experiences. Please do not minimize the toll a miscarriage can take on a woman or on a family. We are all hurting so much, and what you are saying is like pouring salt on open wounds.
@Liz, I agree with others that you can’t script a personal response/reaction to events that go on in someone’s life. PT has one experience, your cousin has another. Also, if your cousin had labor, what she went through sounds like a stillbirth of a pre-term baby, which is likely to be very traumatic, because clearly she wanted this baby and the baby was fully developed, just not big enough to live. That’s very sad and that is a death, not a miscarriage. However, that’s not to say someone else might not heavily grieve a miscarriage of a wanted baby even at 5 weeks along. The point is, people have a right to express how they feel about their own experience.
I myself recently had a miscarriage at 9weeks, of my first pregnancy and the pregnancy was planned. Been trying for 18 months, finally got pregnant only to lose the pregnancy. And you know what, I was miscarrying when PT tweeted, which I saw the original tweet. And it made ME feel relieved and NOT ALONE and gave me courage knowing this experience is more common that I had thought, because people like you want to slap a muzzle on women from sharing real experiences.
@Liz on 09/30/2009 at 03:35pm
“We are all hurting so much, and what you are saying is like pouring salt on open wounds.”
Only if your come here and read it.
@ Meghan Harvey. You don’t have to read this blog. You didn’t have to read the tweet. That is a free choice you can exercise. PT also has the right to express her sentiments, her way. Your cousin’s loss is something far different than what PT went through, not all miscarriages are the same. In fact, it sounds like your cousin experienced a stillbirth or perhaps you are mistaken in the way you use your cousin’s experience to shame someone about their OWN experience?? It is curious that you make bold generalizations about a medical event that you did not go through to shame and criticize a woman who is discussing her actual experience. Ironic, no? Additionally, you allege that PT made gross generalizations to mischaracterize the medical condition of other women, I need to see some evidence of this, as none is forthcoming from her blog post.
@Agnes W, I agree with your critique of Liz but I wanted to point out, she is probably referring to PT’s CNN appearance, which by the way was great and makes me love PT even more. We really do need a spokesperson for what equality in the workplace REALLY means
Misread, my post should have been directed @ Liz 9/30/2009. With apologies to Meghan Harvey.
How on earth do you think it is okay to have an abortion? Babies are babies no matter how small. Would you like to be mutilated or have your brain sucked out? Check out the facts about abortion lady.
It’s people like you that hurt people. Abortion is murder.
Thank you for being willing to put yourself out there. Some of your posts are searingly personal, and I sometimes wonder how you have the strength to put yourself out there like you often do. This is the first time I have commented on your blog, but I felt now was a good moment to voice my support, especially after seeing some of the negative comments (or worse, diatribes). People are of course entitled to disagree with your views. But you’re completely entitled (particularly on your own blog!) and should be encouraged to air your views and experiences, without people condemning you.
I find it sadly ironic that some of the same folks who proudly proclaim their patriotism can be the first to condemn and try to intimidate those with differing views, or gasp* topics having to do with mortality, sexuality, procreation, or anything else uncomfortable for them to handle. Keep up the interesting and important dialog, and you’re an inspiring writer, btw!
ok, so you don’t want a child? Don’t have sex. Oh you want sex, well use birth control. Even at the low 5% chance, why put your self absorbed self through all the grief? And for everyone out there in favor of abortion, just so you can use it for birth control, well you’re basically lazy. Tie the tubes. Sounds like we need to stop your gene pool anyway, there are enough stupid people running around sucking up valuable oxygen without you adding anymore.
I think the problem was not that you wrote about the miscarriage but that you wrote about it in such a cold, joyful way.
This is why I hate the internet. You fancy yourself a writer, but are really just a degenerate soul with a keyboard. That’s fine that you have your views about miscarriage and abortion, but how about exercising a little class and consideration.
You had an abortion at 27? An abortion at 30, and another unplanned pregnancy at 42?
Okay, here’s some advice. If the penis is going in your vagina, YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. Why aren’t your tubes tied? Or better yet, do the world a favor and have a doctor yank your uterus out.
I am pro-choice, but this blog post made me want to vomit. You are quite possibly the most self-centered person on earth and I feel sorry for your children. It’s clear the lack of nuturing your own mother gave you has made you a very damaged person.
right on
I don’t think you get to call yourself pro-choice anymore when you think someone should “have a doctor yank [her] uterus out” because she’s had more unplanned pregnancies than you think is appropriate, or when you resort to personal attacks to — what? put her in her place? make her feel shitty? — for failing to prevent said pregnancies. How many unplanned pregnancies are acceptable under this version of pro-choice, before you owe it to society to get your uterus yanked out? And under what circumstances (because I’m guessing you make a distinction)?
Also, not that number/frequency matters, but three unplanned pregnancies in what I’m guessing is around 25 years of being sexually active doesn’t really seem like that much to me.
Well technically miscarriage is an abortion, a spontaneous abortion. Some of the things that were hard about my miscarriage–which happened on my birthday, out of town on a work trip and involved an ambulence. 1) You have labor contractions. Google it–the sites call it “cramping.” Nope. You’re in labor. Nobody puts it that way–to harsh, to much like birth. 2) That word abortion. I hated it, but it now belongs to me. 3) Worst of all, you start the day feeling all those awful things that come with pregnancy:like you want to throw up, bloated, with big boobs that are super senstive. One D&C later, you feel better than you’ve felt in a couple of months, minus the child. Really disorienting. And then you waltz into work 24 hours later as if nothing happened and actually everything about your life has completely changed only nobody but you has any idea. Yep. Do I get twittering this? Sure I do.
I learned of your blog by seeing you on TV a few days ago. At first, I was upset, to hear you talking about being so eager to have an abortion, as I very strongly believe that induced abortion is morally wrong. However, on nearly all of your other points, I must agree… such as the fact that it is okay to be relieved about having a miscarriage if you didn’t want to have a baby (or go through an abortion) in the first place. Women in some workplaces are able to tell (ususally female) coworkers when they have menstrual cramps, thus, why should it be unacceptable to expose something that sounds much more upsetting to the body, like a miscarriage?
On the other hand, I’d like to mention something that seemed incongruent to me in your TV interview. Please forgive me if I don’t have your words excact. As I recall, you made some comment to criticize people who are anti-abortion for failing to respect the fact that there are laws set up in our country that allow abortions. But in nearly the same breath, you yourself criticized the law in Wisconsin for having legalities surrounding abortions. The idea that it is okay to criticize the law when it is convenient for you, but not okay to criticize the law when it is written in your favor does not fly with me. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Also, even as a Christian pro-lifer, I agree that Wisconsin’s situation involving “waiting 3 weeks” (whether that is legislated or a scheduling delay with PP) is ridiculous. IF there were any way abortion WERE okay (in my mind), it would certainly make the most sense to have the procedure completed as early in the pregnancy as possible. There SHOULD be a 24 hour waiting period – just so a woman has an opportunity to avoid making a rash decision she might regret; however, allowing the baby-to-be to grow for another 3 weeks is uncalled for.
Congratulations on your miscarriage. I wouldn’t wish another abortion on you. And Congratulations on your blog. I enjoy it.
Well, all I can say is I have never heard of a woman enjoying her miscarriage as much as you did. Because you wanted no children, or no more children, I admit this is my first and last blog I will ever read…you could have easily had a tube tie thingie or since you really didn’t want to use the equipment God gave you, had it all removed. No change of life. oh, I really don’t want to be around for any of those blogs.
You didn’t want the baby we get that. Someone else would have. Had you considered at all, having the child and having her adopted? (or selling) to a nice family who could afford the endeavor. I do feel sorry for you. You won’t understand why, that makes me even sadder. oh, I’ve had 7 miscarriages. I forgot to frolic…. I didn’t know what the rules were, you really should have written this blog a while ago…..
oh my god, pro life people are seriously the scum of the earth. haha.
i wish i would have had a miscarriage when i got pregnant 11 years ago (and i would have been seriously RELIEVED and not the slightest bit upset), but i still don’t regret the abortion i chose to have instead. and i have NEVER regretted it once, not even for a second.
i am not ashamed that i had an abortion and i will refuse to ever let anyone make me feel bad about it. the process sucked (lol, get it?!?), but the outcome ruled and my life rules now and it wouldn’t have ruled if i’d had a child when i was 18 with a dude i broke up with less than 2 years after accidentally getting knocked up by him.
how’s that for “cold and joyful” you scary pro life motherfuckers? my body my choice and i stand by my choices and i have no reason to NOT be happy with the outcomes.
you are a stupid cunt bitch
I don’t have a problem with your opinions on abortion etc, but i do feel that your comment was insensitive in its wording. “Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness” to follow the ‘Having a miscarriage’ phrase immediately with the words ‘Thank goodness’ whatever the context is immensely insensitive to all those couples and women in particular who suffer through their first miscarriage, particularly when they are looking forward to being parents. Perhaps you didn’t want to have a child this time, but by expressing what seems like a certain glee in having your pregnancy end prematurely on a public forum such as twitter is bound upset people (and i don’t mean those various morons on the pro-life/pro-choice debate).
James: Many women who’ve commented on this blog post have shared their own experience of miscarriage, and all that have shared this personal story really get PTs perspective. You and others need to think about that. If those of us who have actually gone thru a miscarriage or abortion get it, maybe there is something to PTs perspective.
I’ve miscarried a wanted child, and her openness reassures me. You can only speculate how a woman in this situation would feel about PTs tweet. I actually know from personal experience, and like I said, many women have shared similar understanding. Think about that, please.
your sick. You act like it is ok to sleep around, get prego and just knock the kid out like it is a wart. Abortions, or miscarriages are not good. Theses are not things that you just laugh about with your friends. It is not ok to sleep around, get pregnant and just kill the baby. A real woman knows that her CHOICE comes with whether or not to have sex. Not whether or not to keep the child. What are you teaching the young kids who read your crap? That it is ok to have sex and get pregnant as much as you want because you can just kill the baby?
I will just say you have balls bigger then mine for being able to share that. Most women would have not told anyone, depending on how far along they were…
i think it is totally fine to be un-traumatized and un-sentimental about a miscarriage or even an abortion.
all of these people trying to tell you how you ought to feel about something are crazy. if they want to feel sad re: their own miscarriage or abortion, that is their right, just as it is yours to feel happy, excited, relieved – or however you DID feel, i shan’t presume to know.
i admire the tone + pointedness of your twitter and your blog.
PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE.
Just because you are anonymous on here, you should not be calling anyone names, (morons, neanderthals, cunt bitch) Please, what happened to civil discourse and showing respect for others, even those for whom you disagree. Perhaps because you have no respect for unborn persons, it follows that you don’t have respect for born persons either.
I am a pro lifer and most of you on here disagree with me. That is fine. I resent being called a moron. I have an IQ of 136 and a verbal IQ of 148 have a BA with two majors and a minor, went to nursing school and also went to grad school for clinical Psych, and have worked in a hospital.
When you call names, you bring discredit upon yourself, not the people you are calling names. It shows lack of breeding and respect for your fellow man. I vehemently disagree with many comments on here and I have made a fair amount of comments, but not once did I call anyone names, I simply stated that I disagreed with their position and stated my case as to why.
Why don’t you do the same?