Vulnerability is the key to likability at work (and on the farm)
This is the last thing I should be writing on my blog. Because it’s now clear that the blog is a great dating tool. Propositions all the time. So I should not tell you this, but here it is: It turns out that I’m a lousy girlfriend.
Not the bad in bed type. Well, sort of. Because I’m game for anything, but only as long as I don’t have to be vulnerable.
At work, I’m great because all workplace vulnerability is based in talking—everyone gets to talk all the time—and I’m a very good talker. I can say things that would seem vulnerable, but really, talking is a way for me to constantly make sure that I am in charge.
The farmer likes less talk.
When I was with the farmer, the first night, and we were having intellectual banter about if he should date someone who will never move to the farm and never make him apple pies, I was winning. I won when we argued if he needed to call God “He” in a prayer. I told him that I read Hebrew, and in Hebrew the word for God is gender neutral.
So after a bunch of verbal sparring, I leaned across the sofa and kissed him. Even though he said he didn’t want to kiss. He kissed back, and I felt victorious.
Flash forward: To now. To me next to his bed, typing. Because he told me that absolutely today we were not going to do arguing in bed.
“But that’s my favorite thing to do,” I told him. In bed. Gearing up for an argument.
“Let’s just have fun,” he said.
“That is fun.”
“Let’s go running in the corn field.”
He loves that. He says he loves running in his fields because he’s a guy and women feel close talking and men feel close doing things. But I think he loves running in the corn because the corn is high now, and it makes you feel cozy, and he runs too fast for me to keep up and talk at the same time.
Ten million times a year I write about how people would rather work with people they like than people who are competent. And then everyone asks, “How can I be more likable?”
So I tell people the answer: “Be more vulnerable.” And then I suggest stuff that is easy for me but hard for most people: Admit shortcomings, confess stuff you are having trouble fixing, ask for advice on things you cannot figure out. If you let people see the cracks in your surface, that is where they will find a way in.
But in my personal life, this is extremely hard for me. So my own process for figuring out how to be vulnerable with the farmer is actually a good step-by step lesson on how to be vulnerable in any relationship.
Later, hours after the run, the farmer sits up in bed, head propped on a pillow. I am undressing at the foot of the bed.
I take down my pants and my underwear in one fell swoop.
“Hey. Hold it,” he says. “Do you even have underwear on? Why so fast? What about undressing slower?”
I think about it. I see he wants some sort of strip tease. Not the kind with a pole. But the kind that is sort of casual but has some zing.
It already took me three weeks to get rid of the underwear that could have passed for a bathing suit. So now I have the sexy underwear, but I can’t really use it. I’m very comfortable talking about it, not so comfortable seducing with it.
And then there is the bed. And we are on it. And I cannot cope. We are not sparring verbally. So I wait to hear him talk. He talks about things like the cattle, like my day. My meetings. The grass. His sister. Not small talk but not conflict. Something in between that surely is a building block of intimacy, but I cannot figure out how to do it.
I am quiet. And then, I think, he feels close to me because I am not arguing with him, so he rolls over on top of me and I nearly cry. From the stress of having to be vulnerable and intimate and not connect with words.
I want to talk about my meeting. We got a new board member and he was fun and he liked talking with me and I like when someone likes talking with me because I am so comfortable with that. He said there are not a lot of people in Madison like me and I took that to mean that when I told him that he was full of crap and he should talk to people with his heart, he liked me. I am good with words. I am good with talking.
People think I’m being intimate with the talking, because for example, I told the guy who I want to be on my board that I waxed off all my pubic hair because I read that 90% of Generation Y girls wax it off and I wanted to see what I was missing. So he thinks I’m all vulnerable and intimate with him and we are connecting, but look, I’ll tell that stuff to anyone.
For years I was the manager telling employees their career will tank if they don’t become more vulnerable with their co-workers. At the farm, I’m like my employees, but it’s the non-verbal stuff that flummoxes me. A hand on a chest. A peck on the arm. A stroke on the back. And no talking.
The farm is absolutely lovely right now. But I see the corn growing taller and blocking the views I’ve almost become used to. And I am worried that I don’t know what the winter will bring.
It all makes me nervous. And, like an employee who does not have the social skills for management, I wonder if I will get good at this girlfriend stuff any time soon.
I am married to a very quiet man, and I am a talker. It took me a long time to get over his quiet, and learn to embrace it. But it can work. It doesn’t have to be about being vulnerable, but more about waiting out his silences until you get back to a place where you’re more at home.
I’m not saying he’s the “one”, but don’t write him off because of the silences.
“I’m guessing those single women in their mid 30’s in NYC don’t really think you are much of a catch either Jeremiah. My experience is that the more a man complains about women, the less successful he is at getting them (and/or keeping them).”
Ah. A obvious rejoinder but it isn’t the case. I only recently have come to appreciate that younger women who are smart and capable don’t have the same baggage as their older counterparts. It’s very refreshing. Look, I’m sympathetic to the whole thing. Woman come to NYC to follow a career and think they’ll have time to make a family and “have it all.” Unfortunately the world doesn’t work that way and at 33+ they find themselves in a fix. Smart, well achieved women who never got the relationship thing together. It’s indeed unfortunate.
Also, you say in the first paragraph, “So I should not tell you this, but here it is: It turns out that I’m a lousy girlfriend.” to develop the vulnerability slant. I believe you have mentioned in another post your difficultly in being able to find a good match. A good match would allow you to be yourself, be comfortable, and be vulnerable in your own way. You examine your vulnerability here and yet you make no mention of the vulnerability of the farmer. Is he somehow more vulnerable because he talks less and expresses himself non-verbally? I would lose the adjective lousy here, give yourself more credit, and consider dumping him if the two of you are incompatible. Maybe patience is the key here for a long term relationship but I have my doubts based on what I have read on this blog. Maybe you’ll prove me wrong. I wish you well regardless of the outcome of your journey.
I love reading what you write because you write how I talk and I can tell you are very much like me. Everything you say always seems to run parallel to something I am thinking or feeling in my life right now or in the past. I love how you can take simple life lessons and show how they can be used across the board.
I hope somehow you can come off the farm when I am out at Milwaukee Fashion Week in October so I can meet you in person.
Err, um, err…www.brazencareerist.com
Today I was wondering what is wrong with me. I even ranted about it. And then, I read this post.
Thank you for sharing.
Nice blog
PT, why oh why do you talk about waxing your pubes when this blog is connected to your professional website? And more importantly, why would you mention that to a potential investor. You must have been the red headed step child growing up because everything you do and say in your business and private life is about drawing attention to yourself as an attempt to show how successful you are and sometimes to show you are “better”. It is ashame that your insecurities bring out that side of you. You will always have a difficult time in your personal relationships if you keep the mentality of whipping it out to show him who has the bigger set all the time.
For once take some real advice (i.e. not advice from a ‘Gen Y’er’ who has a website); If you ever want to be truly happy and have a truly fulfilling life, stop trying to prove something in everything you do. Men do not want a woman who is always trying to prove she is the best or just as good at something and women do not want to be around women who have such an overbearing personality. And one other piece of business advice for you is to lay off very personal aspects of your life if the person is not a close friend or acquaintance. While the guy you told your pube story to may be thinking, “Ok, show me,” his business side is thinking, “What the Hell??? Is she nuts?” As much as you try to give out business advice, I cannot believe you do not know when to remain 100% professional.
farmer = rebound guy
Sorry to have to be the one to break this to you.
wax on, wax off
you don’t have to be a 70s porn star, but removing it all inevitably brings a 5 o’clock shadow
Isn’t it ironic how those of us who feel comfortable talking about what other people find intimate to near strangers (because we, ourselves, see it as fact instead divulging any actual part of us) feel near breathless (or near tears) when faced with silence with someone we truly care about?
One would think with such bravado and loquacity displayed in every workaday life, it would somehow be different. But no, it humbles me flat every single time I find myself speechless and desperately searching for the right words when all that’s necessary is just to keep my mouth shut.
OK, I’m **really** close to dropping this blog. It’s losing focus, and the useful comments on career, work/life balance, getting an MBA, etc. are gone. It seems to me that Penelope/Adrienne/Kim/Erin/Sarah/Joe (whatever her name is this week) is posting just to be posting, not because she actually has something to say. And please, no more of the farmer.
The question *I* have is what is this “business” that so many investors are required for? She keeps talking about endless meetings with potnetial financeers. It’s been going on for six months at least. But all I see is a blog, which you can do from your kitchen table. And it appears the site http://www.brazencareerist.com has already stolen your thunder. At first I thought it was you, P, but I don’t see your name anywhere on there.
What is this “business,” Penelope? And where are all those others you’ve started, you know, since you’re a serial entrepreneur?
@Nate You obviously didn’t look too hard. Her name is right on the contact page: http://www.brazencareerist.com/about/contact
Props on the bikini wax, Penelope! Way to step up your game. I’m 25 and yes at a minimum 90% of the Gen Y girls shave or wax their “south of florida” area. impressed you joined the trend…hopep you reap the benefits! :)
yup, theres nothing like maintaining a pre-pubescent vagina. go team!
jesus, PLEASE dont make wax crotching a generational thing.
haha, of course i meant crotch waxing. oops, lol
What the heck is up with a society where adult women “need” to have the anatomy of an 11 year old “down there?” God forbid we should focus our energies and abilities on something useful, or valuable, to society or our economy – no, let’s go get waxed, download some tunes, and visit Facebook. Forget about the barbarians at the gate – we are the barbarians, and we’ll be our own downfall. GEEZUZ.
i would have to concur.
why oh why would you go at your privates, the nicest and gentlest area on your body, with a razor or pull all the hair out by waxing….? It’s just so backwards!!!!
I will wade in here briefly. I don’t think sharing how much you wax or shave is being vulnerable in bed or at the office. I think vulnerability is about giving other people an opportunity to be empathetic, not just revealing shocking details of your personal life. More revealing in the office would be for a senior person to reveal that they don’t live their job 24×7.
Girl I love what you are doing with your blog right now when you talk about what you’re learning with the farmer.. it feels risky. I feel like I’m watching a high wire walker. The new photos are so much better than the publicity shot you’ve been using.
I’ve read you and your book for a while now. Your most recent posts are so fresh and honest they bring tears to my eyes. I don’t know and don’t care if you can make a living doing that, but don’t stop.
Alice is dead right about technical people – you can be a loud, arrogant, unwashed bastard – but that’s fine with us techie types as long as you get the job done. The “lovely guy, but doesn’t have a clue” is not the one we want to be on a team with.
As for the waxing – women have pubes, little girls do not – nothing wrong with a bit of a tidy-up, but I find the idea of removing it all deeply disturbing.
I loved your post. Being open in our public life is so different then being open in our personal life. It’s so scary to open the heart and even harder to keep it open. Like an elevator door. It opens and closes quickly. I hope the farmer is on the right floor. Just don’t hit the “close door” button too quickly next time you see him.
Wow, it sounds like you and the farmer don’t have much to talk about. I mean, it’s nice to be with someone who doesn’t want to argue, and all, but don’t you think you deserve a little intellectual stimulation?
He sounds nice and 100% boring. Sorry.
I take down my pants and my underwear in one fell swoop.
WOW Penelope, that was sooo sooo hot!!!!!!! Oh God my pulse is racing, and now that you say you are wearing sexy underwear. I just finished servicing myself over THAT one. Next you must tell all about you and the farmer. All the sex, and give an exact account of each sex act, thrust by sexy thrust.
Oh Penelope, looking at your grinning picture and envisioning you naked is starting to thrill me like never before.
Do tell more hunny, and remember, this city man in Chicago is available to you as well. And can talk about his vulnerabilities too :)
Waiting for your call.
ab
yuck. asshole.
It is obvious that you are trying to transition away from your so called “career” column into the hip young world of blogging on personal relationships. You may think you are a young hip women- Penelope, you are not. I am sorry, you have been jumping around like many of us, trying to create a career and then finding you are either not interested or no good at it. It would be refreshing if you just called yourself what you are. A 40 year old women, that is blogging about her personal life….an unsuccessful marriage, an unsuccessful career, and just trying to fit into the world like the rest of us. You are not a “Brazen Careerist”
If your readers are still coming to you for advise on job success, than they are surely in for a surprise. I have read your blog a couple of times as i found out that you moved to Madison, WI the same time I did (I have since moved away back to New York)- and I have never really understood were you felt that you were qualified to give advise to people. At 33, I have worked my way up the corporate ladder making six figures to then find out I hated it and got out for good. I never found your advise profound, intellectual,or thought provoking. It sounded more like a personal angst you had at your own failures.
We all have had failures and successes and I don’t find you to be any more wise or an expert on this topic than anyone of my peers. I understand that you are human as well, but please keep in mind that some people look to you for guidance- which is scary. It is time to be up front with who you really are….a blogger and nothing else. Go ahead, blog all day- but stop with the career advice.
Wassup Mia, I’m a single straight man who got turned on by a pretty woman’s damn near sex blog!!! Now the pleasuring myself part was uncalled for and I embellished that anyway.
um, exactly.
so I am not an a-hole. There!
lol. ya.
In the context of private correspondence between us two years ago (no, I most assuredly will not drop it), this posting is both hilarious and almost unpleasantly self-revealing. Maybe it’s my (gasp) age, but I really don’t need to know about how you undress, your pubic waxing habits, or what a bad girlfriend you make. You look perfectly lovely but I would rather not see self-revealing photographs, either. It never occurred to me that anyone would put a hit on you based on the blog: stupid of me, because I only need remember Robert Browning’s first note to Elizabeth Barrett. “Dear Miss Barrett, I love your poetry and I love you.” Hubba-hubba. I wonder how long it took Browning to get Barrett out of that hoop skirt.
Vulnerability truly matters but save it for the bedroom, for Godsake. It does not work in the workplace unless you work for Dr. Phil. You won’t let go in bed, the quality of both party’s orgasms and the trip toward them are going to be break-up fodder. Here I am again, Penelope–if you show your vulnerabilities in so-called “big business,” education (where I’m going), or even a supermarket from which I just emerged, and–no pun intended–you are really going to get fucked. I hope you were not suggesting random from-the-opening-gun candor. Better Machiavelli: “Trust no one, fear everyone.” I know–it’s me again, hostile and basically misanthropic. That could be attributed to the fact that since the end of 2006, I’ve been on a psycho ward and in a county jail. I got a late education, but I goddamned well GOT it.
I was introduced to you via a hypertext program called Storyspace. Adrienne Eisen, your hypertext fiction is really good and some of the most sexually charged writing I’ve seen in awhile. Could Penelope Trunk do that?
SML, she’s successfully making a living doing this as an accompanying content strategy to the rest of her content in print and online. Any of us can stop reading this any time; what’s the angst / anger?
PT, you’re not living up to your potential. Neither is your blog.
Hey Penelope,
Ignore all those pervs. Hey, I thought it was racy the way you described getting undressed, and the farmer is right, you’ve got to do it slower. Rent “Good Luck Chuck” and do it the same way Jessica Alba did it…and let me know how it goes ;);)
Seen your new pics, I think you are insanely beautiful, would you be interested in a handsome 38 year old man like me? You could then blog about how you are dating a younger man! And no, you are not a lousy girlfriend, I would go to great lengths to have one half as smart and beautiful and opinionated as you.
Keep up the good work hun, and do kiss and tell more ;)
ab
Geez, woman, you’re on the rebound from a divorce that isn’t even final yet. You’ve been seeing this farmer guy for three months. You were kissing him within the first week. And you were having sex with him, what, on the second or third date?
This post just proves to me that women should keep their clothes on and their men at arm’s length in the beginnings of a relationship.
When will women learn that sex complicates the relationship-building process?! You’ve been seeing this guy for three months; you’ve been physically involved for not much less than that. And now you are dismayed to discover major incompatibilities.
He wants quiet; you want to talk. You don’t waste time stripping down; he wants a peep show. You’re Jewish; he’s not. He likes physical activities like running through cornfields; you like to argue. He wants to be seduced by a woman in sexy lingerie; you feel uncomfortable with both the undies and the slow-down. Being intimate in the way that means something to him almost makes you cry. And you can’t even respect his “no” when he doesn’t want to kiss!
You say you are afraid that you don’t know what the winter will bring. I say you are lying to yourself and postponing the inevitable. You and this man may have great sex together, but you are not inherently compatible. And you are beginning to see that. Sad thing is, the great sex will probably make both of you try to hang on to this relationship for too long, until the breakup is unbearably painful.
If you’d have held off on the sex for a while, you would have discovered many of these incompatibilities earlier, when they would have been easier to deal with, and when the inevitable breakup would be SO much less painful. For you. For him. And for your kids.
> Sad thing is, the great sex will probably make
> both of you try to hang on to this
> relationship for too long, until the breakup
> is unbearably painful.
No, that’s the *happy* thing. Then she’ll have LOTS of new juicy stuff to blog about, at the expense of those who once trusted her and were intimate with her. But anything to keep the attention on herself. Hey, Penelope, look up “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” on Wikipedia.
Oh my goodness….short of knowing any farmers I think we are dopplegangers or twins separated at birth! Vulnerability sucks…I can so do a guy, but don’t ask me to care about him! lol
I was hoping younger men wouldn’t be that evolved yet…
if you want to read my divorce based blog it’s at
http://happilyevenafter.blogspot.com/
Vulnerability? Sure, but a sledgehammer should be part of every brazen careerist’s arsenal. My girlfriend was pursued by her boss, but eventually fired. Eventually, she found herself in a desperate situation, because he gave her bad references. As a smart careerist, she contacted badreferences.com and documented his slanderous references. Now, he’s toast.
Be vulnerable. Sure. But it sounds like you need to get tough with your boyfriends–sometimes. Keep blogging.
I enjoy your blog – mostly – but the pubic hair story has got to be the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard. You told a potential board member that story? Really? I’m no prude but that just seems way out of place and inappropriate. The story you told him sounds more like a way, as I think you mentioned somewhere, to control the situation than anything else and my take is that perhaps you wanted on some level to make him feel uncomfortable or catch him off guard. That’s not true verbal intimacy at all. I would argue that in some way, all the talking, regardless of whether you do it at work or during private moments with your boyfriend, is ‘cuz you’re afraid to let go of control. Maybe that has to do with fear of being vulnerable but you can look at the issues separately too. You show your vulnerability in your blogs but you don’t ever seem to let go of controlling the situations you’re in. Stop trying to shock people with inappropriate stories about your pubic hair or whathaveyou; stop trying to control the way a situation is going to go. Even the photos you posted are showing your insecurities: you hated the picture of yourself online so decided to post photos you like – and they’re great pictures but heaven sakes girl, no one else cares about that photo but you! Sorry for referencing another blog. Stop letting the static of your own voice get in the way of true intimacy. I’m a processor too – I have to talk about things but I’m learning, slowly, that there is a time and a place for sharing certain stories and part of being in a relationship with anyone, whether it’s a work relationship or a significant other, is learning and respecting their boundaries too. Maybe you’re trying to shut some other part of yourself out too – the part that needs silence and quiet reflection. That is another thing I’m learning: regardless of the many and varied ways we all practice self-avoidance, sooner or later we’re going to have to deal with ourselves.
It is all about power and insecurity. Penelope is a very insecure person. She has changed her name numerous times, she is always trying to project she is the bigger/better person in a relationship through money and success, and she uses flirtation as a way of getting in good with potential business partners, etc. Everything she does is to bring attention to herself because being a “real” person isn’t enough. She isn’t afraid to drop her drawers and show the guy next to her that she has a bigger set; in fact, she makes that a necessity. Vulnerability is a dirty word to her because she has to be in control (or at least think she is) at all times. She is better than a man and definitely better than other women. I am guessing that she has VERY FEW female friends, if any. She doesn’t like the self perceived competition they may bring about.
It used to be fun to rip her career advice because 85% of it truly is nonsense and would get most people fired, but reading this post makes me feel sorry for her. She cannot just accept who she is, but instead must constantly work to be someone else, who in her own eyes, is the best and the hippest. PT, you aren’t fooling anyone. You dropped your real name because you were ashamed of it and didn’t feel you could be successful with it and it all went downhill after that. When you deny your own name, you are only proving to yourself how insecure you are.
OMG…that was a good read. I’m going through a similar situation. I’m with a fellow that loves to text message. That is the way it is nowadays I hear. It’s nice that he keeps in touch at all, really…that’s a nice change…but sometimes I wish he’d pick up the damn phone!
I connect with guys through talking as well. When I can’t verbally spar with someone, I can’t help feeling like someone cut my legs off…and running in the corn fields isn’t possible without my legs. I’m trying to get used to the idea that this guy may really like me even though he doesn’t feel the need to chat me up daily…but it’s not easy. That being said, I’ve had great conversation before and the connection I thought I had with them turned out to be an illusion. I’m with you. In spite of how uncomfortable it makes me, I’m gonna give this “doing” stuff a try.
Penny,
We all know that relationships have life cycles like all other organisms. You are in the “reality peeping through the rose colored glasses” discovery phase.
It’s time to dig deep and realize that you are as likely to find gold (fulfilment) in your backyard as anywhere else. I found it in my wife and children…
Just remember, you always have to give up a piece of yourself (money, dreams, comfort zones, etc) to get the things you want.
Are you prepared to pay the price?
This blog has completed its devolution into a bad soap opera.
Moreover, if anyone, man or woman, who wanted me to serve on the board of their new company started babbling about the state of their genitalia, I’d walk away. Because a person with no boundaries is a person without judgment. And judgment is what one looks for in business
My analysis of your situation:
http://www.thinkmaya.com/2008/09/06/life-suggestions-for-the-brazen-careerist/
Anyone and everyone can write about the “shaving debate”. So cutting edge! Gasp! Talking to a board member about pubes. What a ‘firecracker’….
Come on Penelope, you can do better than this.
Well, you’re probably right about the bad girlfriend stuff if you have to argue every time you want to do it.
But sometimes that’s hot. But not if you always win, and you’re obviously smart enough to. “Most of the time,” as Dylan once sang.
Appreciate your candor though. I tend to tell people personal stuff like that, too.
Stakes a claim.
TMI, my ass!
Jay
Thank you for this. What a beautiful gift to find when out searching about vulnerability. Thank you.