I am at a hotel. I think I'm dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I'm impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can't get any peace and quiet in his own house. That's what he'd tell you.
And he'd tell you that I should be medicated.
I'm trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don't have a career then it's pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven't noticed. I'm not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can't even write "the last time he beat me up." I tried to, but then I thought: "No. It's my fault. I deserve it. He's right. I'm impossible to live with."
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don't write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it's not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I've never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there's a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don't let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It's fun to have a career. It's fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don't need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I'm pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, "Why would I leave him when it's all my fault?"
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I'd be better and they'd like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I'm writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, "We're going to have to take her now," and my mom said, "Thank you so much! Please do that." She wasn't mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That's how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me.
Subscribe -- free!
nice ass
Posted by aj on December 28, 2011 at 9:09 pm | permalink |
I AGREE!!!
…and I don't know wat else to say!
Posted by Bill on December 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm | permalink |
If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your children.
Show them that violence is *not* okay by leaving.
Posted by Lindsey on December 29, 2011 at 1:59 pm | permalink |
My question is why you felt the need to take a naked picture of yourself (you can see the bruise in the corner there of the photo, the rest is your ass and legs) and then Instagram the shit out of it so it looks glamorous.
Posted by Jackie on January 2, 2012 at 4:06 pm | permalink |
Looks kinda flat to me.
Posted by James T. Observation on December 29, 2011 at 12:33 pm | permalink |
Are you fucking kidding me???
Posted by Sara on December 29, 2011 at 12:56 pm | permalink |
Completely unnecessary comment, AJ. It was unwise of her to provide that much exposure in the shot but completely friggin' unnecessary for you, AJ, to make that comment.
Posted by KWB on December 29, 2011 at 6:12 pm | permalink |
Wrong! She chose to put her ass out there for all to see, so she can deal with the comments. That picture is unappealing for sure.
Posted by CD on December 30, 2011 at 5:39 pm | permalink |
You really don't get the joke of this blog, do you?
Posted by ossicle on January 6, 2012 at 11:55 am | permalink |
someone said violence is never your fault…I disagree…Is it ok to poke, not hit, not kick but poke someone 50 times?? I think not…I think domest viol is wrong but Ive been in the middle and it seems that both parties are at some fault…not always….just seems like "poking" the other is brushed off as ok or "its just poking" b.s. poking once, twice, I can see that but over and over and over and not expecting to get something back is absurd…try it with a cat…see what happens.
On top of it Penel, you obviously need to be medicated…what do you expect?? People who are not medicated act in a way they shouldn't…simple as that.
Also, this behavior for both parties is not healthy and pretty much shows that you to need at the very least a separation.
In ending, you've been permanently scarred from the sexual abuse from your childhood…there's no answers for that, you can only do what you can do.
Posted by smokytrees on December 31, 2011 at 2:35 am | permalink |
What the fuck, smoky trees? She reveals a photo like that and you tell her it's her fault?! Penelope I hope you don't listen to these horrible people who would rather talk about your arse or blame you. It's not your fault. Nothing makes any violence ok. You're so honest and I've read so many posts of yours, I know you didn't deserve it on any level even if it were possible to deserve physical abuse. Please don't go back to the Farmer, if only for the sake of the children. None of you deserve to be in this environment, but you need to protect them. Hope you're safe somewhere now.
Posted by Miss Milk on December 31, 2011 at 4:27 pm | permalink |
It sounds harsh, but smokytrees has a point. The farmer has never, at least by what you've described on your blog, 'beat you up'. Describing it that way, when in reality it was a shove, is sensationalizing. And it's unnecessary.
This doesn't make him right. If you can't keep your hands off someone, you shouldn't be with them. On the same token, if you can't stop antagonizing someone, you shouldn't be with them either.
You probably would be much better off medicated, but I understand why you don't want to do that. I also understand that your childhood experiences are keeping you in this relationship, and I'm glad to see you recognize it too. You can be fixed though (you Penelope, not necessarily the relationship with the Farmer); you aren't beyond help. I hope that's the message others take away from your sharing this.
Posted by J on January 3, 2012 at 10:10 am | permalink |
If you leave, your kids will miss you when they finally go away.
Posted by Ivan on January 1, 2012 at 5:27 pm | permalink |
Flat arse. Can't even see it.
Posted by Dani on January 22, 2012 at 3:56 pm | permalink |
average ass* its a pretty small bruise. you should stop whining, give the farmer a good go in the bedroom and cook him a great breakfast in the morning. I dont think hell be pushing you after that? If you think you got beat up look up Rihannas face after she pissed off Chris Brown
Posted by penelope on February 1, 2012 at 4:39 pm | permalink |
I miss you when you don't post blog entries. I have no advice to give. Just take care of yourself – and your kids.
Posted by Victoria on December 28, 2011 at 9:11 pm | permalink |
Ok, this is totally out of control. You need to leave. With the kids. Now. For good.
Posted by Rr on December 28, 2011 at 9:11 pm | permalink |
Agreed. Go. Now.
That said, you are showing a lot of valuable realizations about your f-ed up family and how they have impacted you – so you can break the cycle of that influence.
Posted by MM on December 29, 2011 at 11:37 am | permalink |
This! And the one before it!
I'm behind in reading your updates, but I always save them. You are very brave to open up the way you do, Penelope.
I don't know where you and the kids are now, but I hope you have not gone back and that you are seeking a divorce.
DV is NEVER the victim's fault. I don't care how annoying other people (or THE other person) may find that person: It is never your fault!
Blessings.
Posted by Jen M. on February 16, 2012 at 10:19 am | permalink |
Is that your ass? Put some pants on, dust yourself down and go be whatever you want to be. Only you can make this happen. Shortly, a bunch of losers will show up to this post and say dumb shit. Don't make your life the main event and definitely don't hand out popcorn. Up and at 'em girl.
However, if this is for publicity.. well done. Include a goat and a small clown next time though.
Posted by Kate on December 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm | permalink |
Shortly, a bunch of losers will show up to this post and say dumb shit.
Uh, Kate, you took care of that.
Posted by Pluma on December 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm | permalink |
Dear Penelope,
I have never posted before but feel very compelled now. I do not know who these women are attempting to apply more guilt to your situation than you already feel, but I hope they are not your friends and I hope they never serve on a rape jury.
You clearly are crying out for help and that is a great first step. Give your children more than you had by showing them you can love yourself. Now move to Dallas. There are nice women here that will care and protect you and they are all wearing fab shoes. Plus you have a hot body so you will fit in perfect.
Posted by Erica on February 17, 2012 at 4:39 am | permalink |
leave.
Posted by Anon on December 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm | permalink |
Take your beautiful children and get out of there. Move back to NY, move anywhere, but get out. Get out. Get out. Fix yourself. Get out. Leave. Get out. This is bad. For you. For your kids. Get OUT.
And get the help that you need. Not couples help- there is no couple. Fix YOUR issues. You have gorgeous kids. Save yourself, save them. Please.
Posted by satchmo on December 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm | permalink |
I agree. You have a fabulous talent and have inspired me countless times, but this was almost too hard for me to read as you need help and your children only have you so please, please…help yourself and forget about the damn blog, for now.
Posted by KS on December 31, 2011 at 12:32 pm | permalink |
Umm – get the hell OUT!!!!! VIOLENCE IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. Get the hell out. You, your kids, life is worth it. Do not reward violence. Get the hell out.
Go to the police, now. Please. Do other women in your position a REAL FAVOR. Beyond supporting them in being great at work, show them how to get the hell out.
Posted by Anne on December 28, 2011 at 9:14 pm | permalink |
"VIOLENCE IS NEVER YOUR FAULT".
What nonsense is this? Every violent woman on earth can find someone who will swear under oath that a man made her do it, even when the evidence is irrefutable that he didn't. There goes your bullshit theory.
I'm guessing what you meant was "violence is never a WOMAN'S fault", which is the evil feminist world we live in – despite the growing body of scientific evidence that shows women are more violent than men.
Do you really think this sort of mindless hypocrisy helps our host, or women in general?
Posted by menarenotabusers on December 28, 2011 at 10:22 pm | permalink |
You're a moron.
Posted by Anon on December 28, 2011 at 11:00 pm | permalink |
"Violence is never your fault." That's a truth that goes for both genders. Don't interpret that comment as an attack on men, because it wasn't. She was saying precisely what she said. Don't put words in her mouth.
Some households with domestic violence have male abusers. Others have female abusers. Sometimes, households have both, like Penelope's childhood home. If you've read her post about her childhood, then you know that she was physically and sexually abused as a child by both parents.
If you think that we live in an "evil feminist world," res ipsa loquitur.
Posted by CL on December 29, 2011 at 12:41 am | permalink |
What on earth are you talking about? Who could disagree with "violence is never your fault?" A violent act is never the fault of the receiver. Why would the sex of the perpetrator matter?
Posted by Elise on December 29, 2011 at 8:14 am | permalink |
This guy has hit the nail on the head!
Posted by stopthebullshit on December 29, 2011 at 9:09 pm | permalink |
Hey idiot, I see what you did there. You completely changed what was said, substituting her words for your own, and then criticised the results. Very clever. If she meant violence is never the woman's fault, she probably would have said that. Also, how does the fact that you could find someone to swear to something that is blatantly untrue stop it from being untrue? There are many, many people willing to swear that the earth is only 6000 years old. Doesn't stop it being moronic bullshit now does it?
Violence is only EVER your fault if you cause it by doing violence of your own (ie if it is self defense or defense of others. Perhaps I should resort to your trick and say that what you actually mean is that violence if often your fault, if you happen to be female. But then, if I have to put words into your mouth to make my point then my arguments must be pretty weak, right?
Posted by Charles on January 27, 2012 at 11:50 am | permalink |
What if the violence actually is your fault? Is it still "never your fault" if it actually is your fault? Seriously, the language is English people. Think about what you write before you write it (especially when its in CAPS and you haven't earned the right to write in CAPS). Stop doing violence to the language even though it is never your fault!
Posted by Mikey J on January 6, 2012 at 11:43 pm | permalink |
The farmer is, most likely, absolutely mortified that your continuing to share painful and very private issues with the world.
And of course domestic "violence" is wrong, but for most couples, it's a two-way street. Often enough, a female initiates some crazy, hysterical conflict, escalates it until it's out if control, lashes out physically, and then calls the police.
But assuming there are no bruises on the farmer, either, and that you're a completely innocent party, it's safe to say you should leave.
Not that the farmer would (nor should) take you back.
It sounds to me like you would be much better off with someone with far more patience and far less anger.
Or, perhaps, you'd be happier, healthier, and safer if you were alone. No boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or liver to fight with, hurt, be hurt by, or be disappointed by.
And your children, who are all innocent in this, might be better off also.
Posted by drew on January 20, 2012 at 8:33 pm | permalink |
Penelope, sometimes I read your stuff and think – maybe she's doing it (insert crazy stunt here) just so she has something to write about. There are times I think that maybe you do drive the Farmer nuts (because the stuff you say about your behavior makes me nuts and I don't even live with you) and other times, like now, when I think what the heck are you doing?? With your life and with the example you are showing your children?? Your relationship is seriously flawed. This is not normal, it is unsafe. And no matter how much you irritate someone, IT IS NEVER OK FOR SOMEONE TO BE VIOLENT WITH SOMEONE – especially someone they claim they love. That is psycho. You deserve better. AND stop crying out to us for help and just GET SOME HELP. Get away from the Farmer, start your life anew. It is incredibly frustrating to read a blog post like this and not be able to help you. I wish I could offer you a place to stay and a cup of hot tea and an ear. BUT I CAN'T and it's killing me that you are telling me this stuff and I can't even call the cops and tell them there is domestic violence in your home. DUMP HIM. This is not love.
Posted by wildflowers on December 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm | permalink |
Agree. 100%. Dear Penelope, please contact the Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.wcadv.org/. Now. You're in danger, which means your children are at risk, too. The longer you remain, like a hapless gambler at the casino, the more you statistically increase your likelihood of ending the situation with your death, or permanent disablement. And then what would become of your boys? Who would then raise them then, your parents (?!)
Posted by East Coast Reader on December 28, 2011 at 10:02 pm | permalink |
Not only that but if children in a home witness domestic violence not only are you giving them an education on how to become perpetrators but you are also in danger of child protection services taking your children away because you are continuing to stay in a violent and unsafe situation.
Posted by kim on December 29, 2011 at 8:16 am | permalink |
What wildflowers said. Seriously.
Posted by Meg on December 28, 2011 at 10:13 pm | permalink |
Totally, double seriously what Wildflowers said!
Posted by Jason Braganza on December 29, 2011 at 3:22 am | permalink |
And by the way, posting that picture of yourself ( if that's you) is as much an indication of someone desperately in need of help as any story you tell.
Posted by satchmo on December 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm | permalink |
You do not deserve injury. Nothing you do could possibly call for that. Please take care of yourself. See a doctor if you haven't already. Document the injury.
Ask your self, if your child was the one in a relationship like yours, what would you say? Would you say, "it's your fault"? If it was your best friend? Would you say, "it's your fault?"
Posted by Theresa G on December 28, 2011 at 9:16 pm | permalink |
I'm sorry.
Bill and aj, listed above, could not be more stupid. Stupid is not even the right word, it's more like crass + insensitive + lack of good judgment.
Anyway, call Melissa asap. You need a friend, stat.
Posted by Micaela on December 28, 2011 at 9:17 pm | permalink |
Everyone else is going to give her advise on how to live her life. Is it wrong to help her feel appriciated?
Penelope needs to be loved, no?
Posted by Bill on December 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm | permalink |
Don't conflate ogling and catcalling with love and appreciation.
Posted by Nessa Speirs on December 29, 2011 at 12:20 am | permalink |
Nessa -
AJ and Bill may be crude and yes, crass, but their observation has its place. Anybody who reads Penelope's blog regularly and has come to understand her in any way knows that she will not respond negatively to AJ and Bill's comments.
Think about it for just a few minutes and I believe that you'll understand that Penelope chose that picture in part because it is sexually alluring. That wasn't the only reason, but it was a reason.
I personally find Penelope very attractive, and also think that she needs alot of help.
The dynamic between Penelope and Farmer is a very common one. The worst thing about its violent aspects is that it perpetuates the problems with intimacy. When he cant stand her behaviour, he hits her, thinking that she'll leave him alone. That allows her to be a victim and get attention that she needs without telling him why she needs it. Then he feels bad and wants to make her feel better – she likes that. This plays out in a way that will always obscure all of the things that they cant admit to eachother. If they want to get better, they have to forswear violence completely, instead learn to ask for exactly what they want from eachother (very difficult), and then try their very best to give it to eachother (extremely difficult). Truth is, violence keeps them from doing the things they are afraid to do. Its the easiest way out.
I've known couples who hit each other and screw eachother every day. Its the way that they maintain a relationship without having to actually know eachother.
Posted by XtremeWave on January 2, 2012 at 3:18 pm | permalink |
She did put her ass there for all to see. Who didn't check it out. Male/female, straight/gay…it is our nature as humans to check out others' naked parts when they are presented to us. Not that this is the appropriate time to be crass, I'm sure regardless (as I am a woman with a decent derriere) that the compliment "nice ass" almost always makes the woman with the said "nice ass" smile, even if it is in secret.
Posted by Sabine on January 4, 2012 at 11:49 am | permalink |
Penelope, let you ex take your kids for awhile. You need to get off the farm. You're with the farmer as a replacement for your parents; recreating your sense of 'normalcy' that you had as a child. MATURE ADULTS DO NOT RESORT TO VIOLENCE FOR ANY REASON. He needs to be reported and hauled off to jail. Get a restraining order, divorce him and keep the farm for you and the kids.
Posted by Skeeter on December 28, 2011 at 9:17 pm | permalink |
Ah jeeze, so when a guy tries to hit my girlfriend I shouldn't get physical? Just let him do it until he feels like stopping? When you drive a person crazy, whether in a relationship or in a bar, you're asking for it buddy. Weak people fear violence because they can't respond to it. Yeah that Farmer guy deserves to go to jail because he pushed her away after hours of nagging and ball-busting, and she got a small bruise. You are a moron and a weakling. I shit on people like you for fun.
Posted by Dammit on February 7, 2012 at 6:48 am | permalink |
I haven't clicked on your blog in awhile… I dont know what made me do so tonight but I have to say some weird force of the universe is at work. I am in a somewhat similar situation. I actually started writing a blog soon after this came to a head for me… (last month) If you are writing about it and putting a pic out there, you know what you need to do. I know you are looking for validation from us to tell you but you already know in your heart. Good luck….. to both of us. I am sorry.
Posted by Kerrymn on December 28, 2011 at 9:19 pm | permalink |
I met you about a year ago at a Brazen Careerist event in DC. I said I would comment on your blog sometime. It has taken me over a year, but I'm finally doing it, even if it's quite unlikely you remember our 5 minute conversation anymore. (We were both wearing great boots, if that rings any bells.) We talked about entitlement. You said you would like to feel entitled. I said that you wouldn't really, because feeling entitled mostly means you get pissed off if someone takes something away from you. It's about not feeling grateful for what you have.
I think what you really meant was that you would like to feel worthy.
Reading now about the abuse from the farmer, I remember that conversation and I want to offer you something, but everything I have feels inadequate. The advice I could give you means nothing if you aren't ready to hear it, and if you are ready to hear it, you probably don't need it. But maybe it will be of some use to say that I see you. In 5 minutes in a bar I saw that you are someone who wants to someday feel worthy, and I want that for you, too.
Posted by Robin on December 28, 2011 at 9:19 pm | permalink |
Beautifully put.
Posted by Sasha on December 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm | permalink |
I really hope she read your words, Robin.
Posted by Kasey on December 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm | permalink |
About wishing to feel entitled.
Probably Penelope meant that wishes to feel DESERVING. Big difference.
Posted by ssja on December 29, 2011 at 5:59 pm | permalink |
Lovely words of wisdom that may not make sense to Penelope. I was a child in the home of an alcoholic and sexually and physically abused as a little girl. For years, I didn't know what the words boundaries and self-worth meant. I didn't know that other people didn't suffer violations and degradations and nightmare in the privacy of their homes at night. I was checked out and often lost in my head, and dealt with stress by compulsive work or overeating. It has taken years of inner work, introspection, journaling, gestalt, psychosynthesis, and inner child work, among other things, to understand myself to the degree that I do and also to see how I allowed drama because it felt normal, that I chose an inappropriate life-partner (a sex addict and compulsive liar) whom I loved and didn't perceive him as that bad because he didn't drink and didn't hit me, and to notice other unhealthy mental or life patterns that were residual from or related to my childhood abuse experiences. The mind will minimize, deny and distort reality as a way to maintain the status quo… the deepest healing for Penelope and her family will follow a pattern of inner work and action. Action to maintain or create growth and normalcy – inner work to understand what is or was happening, why it is or was being allowed to happen and what to do about it. I have no expertise in whether or not people who hit others can be rehabilitated (their must be stats on that). There are social service agencies who can help with the legal requirements for such situations. People need to be protected from abuse. I do have expertise in realizing I am with someone because some part of me wishes to perpetuate a childhood pattern and/or wants to harm/abuse me because I obviously unconsciously feel unworthy, unlovable as well as dirty, different, and damaged (three traits often felt by victims of childhood sexual abuse). It is important to seek solutions for problems. Penelope clearly has several and as other readers have mentioned she also has opportunities to educate her children (they can love and see/visit their father according to the law of their state and still be afforded protection from his violent tendencies), to create a new life for herself, and to, finally, seek to heal the past that is harming my present. Zig Ziglar said, "To know and not do, is not to know." When a woman doesn't leave an abusive husband she is co-dependent and doesn't really get it. She is minimizing, denying and distorting her experience of reality, in denial of how harmful it is to her and her children, if she has any, and really doesn't get it. A person who could allow such things to happen to her and her kids would also blog about it because she really doesn't see/know how bad it is. A woman as smart as Penelope has a shot at change because she can, presumably, learn and grow and take new actions and create a new reality (and disallow or say no to other realities).
Posted by Snark on December 29, 2011 at 6:18 pm | permalink |
Robin -
Thanks for your clarity and compassion.
Reading your comment was like a cleansing restorative after some of the earlier disgusting bullshit comments. I needed it, and I think Penelope needs it. Here's hoping she lets it in.
Posted by AJP on December 30, 2011 at 7:38 am | permalink |
Micaela,
Seriously, what could you possibly expect?
Posted by satchmo on December 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm | permalink |
The first key to change is to recognize a pattern you should break. If it were just you, I'd encourage you to leave, while knowing that it would be your own decision. None of us are there to witness the fights, so we can't take sides – but the evidence does point to the relationship being unhealthy. But if your sons continue to grow up in this house thinking that this is normal for relationships, then they may find themselves perpetuating the pattern in some way.
It doesn't sound like you and the Farmer will be able to relate to one another in a healthy manner. Please think of how this will effect your sons now and down the road. They need structure, just like you. But they also need stability and a home without violent fights.
You and your family are in my thoughts. I wish I could help.
Posted by Sasha on December 28, 2011 at 9:21 pm | permalink |
devastating. think of all the people who would miss you if/when this escalates.
Posted by katelyn on December 28, 2011 at 9:21 pm | permalink |
"…is that no one cares" – not true.
Posted by Mark on December 28, 2011 at 9:23 pm | permalink |
It is easy to get stuck in a rut – you stay miserable and put up with crap because it is easier to go with what you know and are comfortable with. There is no excuse for one partner to abuse the other whether it's mentally or physically. You have options; women's shelter, church, are immediates because hotels at $100 a night are only a short term option. When something clicks inside of you and you truly believe and tell him "I don't need you anymore", when you are at this point, you will realize that your only fault was putting up with his crap. It takes two ppl to make a failed relationship. Get your stuff from his place, get your life back, take yourself and your kids to a safe haven and you will find someone to share your life with who makes you feel good about yourself.
Posted by HS on December 28, 2011 at 9:23 pm | permalink |
I have said it before. You need to leave. Now more than ever.
The farm is killing you.
The farmer is killing you.
Get back to a city.
Get to work.
Put the kids in school. No more home schooling.
This is not the life for you.
Posted by Roberta on December 28, 2011 at 9:24 pm | permalink |
Get back to the city, get back to work, get your kids back in school where they belong, and get the therapy you need.
And DO NOT get in another relationship until you've done the work so that you can distinguish abuse from love.
Your kids deserve a stable home life. Only you have the power to give it to them.
Posted by Judy on December 30, 2011 at 5:39 pm | permalink |
To Satchmo,
If I see any human being with an obvious injury or wound, my first response is, I'm sorry. Not: nice ass. I don't care if it's Brad Pitt's ass. I expect people to be humane.
Posted by Micaela on December 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm | permalink |
really well put!
Posted by Sarah on December 28, 2011 at 9:43 pm | permalink |
Agree!
Posted by Dasi on December 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm | permalink |
This photo is not appropriate. If a police department or domestic violence advocate were to document with a photo, this would not be the pose and it would not be the opening spread of a career blog. This is a narccistic exhibitionistic histrionic self damaging sick person who's children are going to suffer her poor decision making. Penelope may think she has you fooled that that photo is to elicit sympathy but I read loud and clear, she really likes the comments about her ass, thats why she has it provocatively posed and posted as an opener. This is a sick situationn both adults are feeding off of each other and her autistic kids are going to benefit from her parenting?
Posted by Virginia on December 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm | permalink |
This.
Posted by Christine on December 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm | permalink |
Agree.
Posted by Sharon on December 28, 2011 at 11:56 pm | permalink |
When I first saw the post the first thing I noticed on the photograph was the bruise. Then I started reading. I didn't noticed that she didn't wear any underwear until you pointed that out and even then I had to look closely. Some people see a bruised woman. Some see a naked woman. Your reaction to the picture says more about your self than Penelopes character.
Posted by Liobov on December 29, 2011 at 5:03 am | permalink |
Regardless of what is going on, Penelope is suffering. She needs and deserves help, either way. No one ever deserves abandonment or abuse.
Posted by Rachel on December 29, 2011 at 8:38 am | permalink |
Virginia–I believe she only has one autistic child. Anyone…am I right? In any case, I see your anger really creates lots of typos in all of your comments. And despite the fact that you hate this blog, you read and comment too much. Hard to imagine living in your perfect little world. Are you really this perfect? Have you never made mistakes (outside of your terrible typos and your lousy attempt to use big words just to seem more intelligent)? I have. I have made plenty of mistakes. I stayed with an emotionally abusisve addict for four years, mostly because I wanted a two parent household for my kids. When it ran its course, I decided a single parent household was better for my kids than the alternative. I stayed for so long because I wanted that perfect world that you seem to reside in (or shall I say preside over Madame Judge and Jury). In any case, if your life is so perfect that you can judge all others, then by all means go and work in the child welfare system. There are plenty of children that are seriously being abused and neglected that could use your judgemental attitude. From what I can tell, Penelope has put tons of thought into how to give her kids the best environment possible. In spite any mistakes she may have made, I'm confident that her intelligent analysis of the life she provides for her children will ultimately lead her down the best path. Self awareness is so important, especially when you have kids to care for.
Posted by Sabine on January 5, 2012 at 7:32 am | permalink |
You are not a kid anymore, and pining for the feelings of childhood is not going anywhere good. (wo)Man up and envision what a responsible adult, unburdened without your personal baggage, would do.
Then do it.
Not write about it. And not take edgy pictures for consumption on your escapist blog.
Posted by Marianne on December 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm | permalink |
We've all seen pictures of the farmer. You were a professional volleyball player. Are you kidding me? You can't take that guy out??
Stop rewinding your victim tape. Fix it.
Posted by satchmo on December 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm | permalink |
Unless you are a girl who is a ranked MMA fighter or boxer going toe toe with a guy who does physical labor for a living (like farming) is going to get the girl beaten like a drum.
Leave now.
Posted by Kevin on December 28, 2011 at 9:45 pm | permalink |
its not about who is stronger. violence is never about that. its a matter of rage and self control. a very strong person can be beaten by a flimsy crazed one.
Dear Penelope i care about you. I can't do anything to help since i'm in the other side of the globe. I hope you will get help and find the strength within to help yourself.
you are the one who helped so many others to find a career and their way in life,I believe u can help yourself to find your way of getting out of this bad relationship and save your kids and yourself.
Posted by mish on December 29, 2011 at 2:51 am | permalink |
It's a myth that love is supposed to hurt. It's not. I hope you have family and friends who can support you (i.e. put you and your kids up, offer emotional support). I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Posted by Lynda on December 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I love you. Please get out now. All those who said it above are right: this is not love. You deserve someone who loves and adores you — and lifts you up no matter what you see as your quirks and faults.
Posted by Debbie on December 28, 2011 at 9:26 pm | permalink |
You could have posted a photo of the bruise by just tugging your pants down. I don't understand why, and I'm surprised you did this, you would take a photo that would show a bruise on your hip by completely removing pants and underwear and then taking the photo so you are almost flashing the camera.
You need to get back in therapy for this reason alone.
As for the relationship, he obviously cannot live with you. Therefore you need to remove yourself from the relationship. Perhaps you cannot ever have a committed relationship where you share a house with another adult. But trying to force this one to work when it's obviously not, is insane.
Posted by Christine on December 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm | permalink |
What she said.
Posted by Y on December 28, 2011 at 11:24 pm | permalink |
Dear, dear Penelope. Brains don't fix this, the heart does. And even though you seem to think your heart is flawed; know that it is not. It is struggling, and growing. Just as you advise strugglers to reach for help, please do so yourself. You hurt; the hotel is good. It gives you time. And space. Breeathe, wait, feel and think if you must. You have no lack of courage; any move can be yours. Your responsibility is not to other battered women, it is to yourself, and your children. So please wait, breathe, and feel. Leave the thinking in the margins. The right move will emerge. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by Allison Majure on December 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm | permalink |
You have financial resources to leave the farmer; many women don't. You are getting in your own way. People, like the farmer or yourself, don't change unless there is a compelling reason to do so. Neuroscience tells us that we love what we know. Google Bruce Ecker in Oakland.
Posted by Ann on December 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
You deserve better. You really do. Look in a mirror and keep saying "I deserve better" until you believe it enough to leave him. You have a lot of people who care for you that are believing it for you.
Posted by John Hollandsworth on December 28, 2011 at 9:28 pm | permalink |
time to move on – Australia is nice this time of year. You are a smart cookie – self preservation should kick in around now .. do it for the boys … imagine them following the farmers lead and being abusive to their significant other all because they learnt it at your elbow with yet another bruise … it's just not cricket – time for a new game P, please go le xox
Posted by le@third on December 28, 2011 at 9:29 pm | permalink |
Australia is nice this time of year, but the guy bruising you might not wait until your local Australian consulate gives you a visa before he hits you again.
GET OUT NOW.
Australia will still be there after you land on your feet somewhere off the farm and on U.S. soil and are ready to take more steps after the next step you gotta take.
Posted by Heidi on January 3, 2012 at 10:14 pm | permalink |
P,
I've never posted a comment and I've read your blog for years. Like others, I miss you when you don't post blog entires. I'm sad you're in this situation and I hope you are strong enough to end this. Thank you for helping guide me through the early stages of my career. I want you to know that you are strong enough to show women how to get out of this horrible situation.
Just do it–for you and your kids. Get out. Grow up.
Posted by MM on December 28, 2011 at 9:29 pm | permalink |
I wish I had the five minutes so that I could say to you what Robin said, and I feel even without those five minutes the truth of what Robin said.
I feel closest to people I write. My mother (mothers, actually) tell me they miss me. They have gone too long without seeing me. I do not miss them, but that is because we write, and that is where I am most real.
I would miss you if you could not write. If you were so hurt that you could not write here. And so while I hope you will find your own worthiness and cling to safety for you and your children, I cannot help you. If in some weak way you can feel responsible for being abused, then by gawd, turn it around and be responsible for not being abused. That is my hope for you.
I would rather be alone (I am) than with a man who would hit me (he would). And I miss him above all other people–he may be the only person I ever miss. But I would rather miss him and be okay on my own than miss me when I'm with him. I hope you find that.
Posted by Tara on December 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm | permalink |
I know this is extremely hard for you and reading all the commentary probably just makes you feel worse. You are going to do what you want to do. Still, it is brave of you to post such personal things.
I do think if things escalate, the "someone" who will miss you, will be your children.
Posted by Jen on December 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm | permalink |
No sale. I'm sorry too, but there are a lot of ways of displaying the damage. "Edgy pictures" ( thanks Marianne) are not employed for that purpose. Most people ( maybe even Brad Pitt ) would not feel the need to get the full monty on display.
Posted by satchmo on December 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm | permalink |
Penelope, it breaks my heart to read this. So what you're difficult to live with. EVERYONE is a pain in neck at times. But you need to know and hear this right now there is NEVER EVER A REASON FOR VIOLENCE. It is never, ever your fault. Protect yourself and your children. (You don't want your boys learning this stuff and stats show that boys learn this from their dads/male role models.)
There is a major problem here if The Farmer feels he is justified in hurting you for any reason. What do you mean he says he will not beat you up anymore if… WTF?!?! Are you kidding me. He can freakin' leave the room or go for a walk, hit a wall or something. Hitting you is NOT an option!!! I don't know how to be more clear about this. And yes, you do need therapy because as you already know, you are somewhat comfortable with the violence because of your childhood because that's what you know. I'll stop here because I'm not a therapist. Get out and get help NOW Penelope.
Posted by Geanine on December 28, 2011 at 9:32 pm | permalink |
You can win this by getting out, looking after your beautiful kids, and leaving the farmer alone in his maladaptive misery. That's how you win. Turning yourself into another person so you don't trigger his tendency toward violence would not be a win. It would be a loss for you and your kids. Take up one of these reader offers, and find a new place to live.
Posted by Alanna on December 28, 2011 at 10:20 pm | permalink |
Penelope – the picture says it all. You're crying out for help or to hear cries of "get out" or some some of backing to do what you know in your heart you must do. Get out and get your boys out. You need more than a hotel – you need a new home to live in.
Posted by Lindsay | The Daily Awe on December 28, 2011 at 9:32 pm | permalink |
Why are people so stuck on the picture? The point is she needs to leave. She doesn't need to be shamed. She's clearly dealing with enough issues already.
I like your blog. You seem like a strong person who just doesn't always see how strong she is. You can leave. You need to leave. And in the end things will be ok once you start taking control again.
Posted by Lucretia on December 28, 2011 at 9:33 pm | permalink |
Is this for real? Is your husband really abusing you? or this a narrative story? I'm very confused.
Posted by shyla on December 28, 2011 at 9:36 pm | permalink |
I thought this was joke. Someone as full of good advice and as well educated / seasoned as you wouldn't tolerate this.
But it appears this isn't a joke. If not for yourself, for your kids – you only have yourself to blame should they suffer long term from seeing this happen. Get out, now.
Posted by Jay on December 28, 2011 at 9:36 pm | permalink |
"Someone as full of good advice and as well educated / seasoned as you wouldn't tolerate this."
Jay, have you ever done any reading on domestic abuse? Finding yourself in an abusive situation has nothing to do with how "well educated" you are. The Farmer is "well educated". Surely someone as "seasoned" as him wouldn't be violent, so it's clearly not happening!
Posted by Sarahnova on December 29, 2011 at 9:58 am | permalink |
I don't think education or seasoning or experience puts you in or out of a situation.
What I am saying is that, I would hope that someone as exposed to many things and having many interactions / life experiences would know it is time to get out.
Posted by Jay on December 29, 2011 at 11:37 am | permalink |
Penelope
Please leave him. You know you must, if not for yourself then for your children – and I hope you know that you yourself are certainly worthy of being enough reason to leave. Please.
Posted by Pluma on December 28, 2011 at 9:36 pm | permalink |
You need to leave, because your kids will start thinking this is a normal situation and will replicate it in their adult lives. I am sure you don't want that.
And you know what? It's not true that nobody cares. I have learn from previous relationships that to "succeed" in a break up, you have to act like you don't care about it. Everybody cares thought, because it's hard to re-accommodate your life without a person, even if the person was driving you nuts. Besides, why do you want him to care? You have to do this for yourself and not for him. Say you are really driving him nuts, that still doesn't put aside the fact that he has a violence problem. A person who loves you would never find you impossible to live with, because loving somebody is finding something charming in their crazy behaviour. Women do tend to talk a lot, that is what they do. A man who doesn't have the wisdom to understand and be able to temperate that is not fitted for relationships, I'm afraid.
Posted by Alina RÄdulescu on December 28, 2011 at 9:36 pm | permalink |
When he shoves you the wrong way and you are dead, or you are in a persistent vegetative state, your children will miss you.
We all have childhood baggage. Move on. Better to be alone, unwanted, forgotten, than to submit to such abuse. No excuses.
Posted by Candice on December 28, 2011 at 9:37 pm | permalink |
My dear, dear Penelope,
You are who YOU decide you want to be. You are not a slave to your past. You have this whole, wide beautiful world to thrive in and enjoy. Forgive yourself, love yourself, take tender care of the one and only you. Your son chose to come to you for the love you alone can give him. Share that love and heal.
Hugs to you from one who knows what a beautiful heart you are.
Posted by Maureen on December 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm | permalink |
Okay…so here's the deal: maybe you're right and the Farmer's right, and your parents were right–maybe you ARE bad at relationships. (I say "maybe", because I don't know you, and I only have what you say to go on…if nothing else, I think it seems fair to say that you've made some less than ideal choices, when it comes to the relationships you've chosen. That's hardly an exlusive club!)
BUT–that DOESN'T EXCUSE VIOLENCE.
Seriously. It DOESN'T EXCUSE VIOLENCE. If you are annoying as all get out, and pester the Farmer night and day, then it's HIS responsibility to find a way to manage his anger OTHER than by taking it out on you physically.
I am not saying you don't have things you need to address–but it is NOT YOUR FAULT when someone you love is violent to you. It really isn't!
Abuse–whether physical or verbal should have no part in a healthy relationship. It's not uncommon to FEEL like you want to smack your partner, or shake some sense into them–but you get up and walk out, slam a door, count to ten–ANYTHING, except actually attack the person you love.
When you're being abused by someone you love, you need to leave. Maybe the relationship can be salvaged, with professional help–but you still need to leave until it's fixed, rather than staying in an unstable and threatening situation.
And yes, it is a horrible, terrible thing, to think that you won't be missed…but the truth is, you can't possibly know whether you are or aren't missed in any given situation–because no one's going to tell you one way or another. The truth is–you probably would be and ARE missed, in many situations you leave–regardless of whether or not people are experiencing other emotions as well. I know that doesn't help–but the dread of not being missed is just another way for your psyche to continue to abuse yourself–and you are way, way too smart a lady to fall for that for long.
I cannot tell you what to do with your life…but I can tell you what I would tell any woman (never mind one with kids!!) in an abusive situation: leave at once…and spend time picking up the pieces of your life afterwards. If the relationship can be patched up AFTER you've left, then I'm very much in favor of that–but you need PROOF that the abuser has changed, and will not continue to abuse you.
And if you're guilty of abuse as well–then you need to know that you've learned to manage that as well, before you jump back into the relationship full time.
It's pretty generic advice…and you already know it…so I can only pray that you find the strength and courage in your personal life to be kind to yourself and to take care of yourself, and your children. They need you as a positive role model–and they (like all kids) need to know that it's not okay to use violence to resolve problems.
Posted by Aurora on December 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm | permalink |
lol aurora, so the entire world should take your shit and deal with it you want it? That's narcissistic beyond belief.
Posted by Dammit on February 7, 2012 at 6:54 am | permalink |
I'm a fairly successful blogger and I know that feeling that you're close to your readers. But that feeling is false. We don't know you and you don't know us. That feeling of intimacy is fake. Stop exposing yourself here (literally and figuratively) and put your children first.
You don't need commenters here telling you what you already know they'll all write — that violence is never okay, that you need to leave, etc. It's almost trite to write that at this point. You know all that.
What you may not have thought of is that your primary responsibility at this point is to your kids, and you are failing them by teaching them that this type of interaction is healthy. Put your kids' emotional health ahead of whatever it is you're working out yourself. That's a commitment you made when you had those kids. Stop reneging on it.
Posted by A. on December 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm | permalink |
"Put your kids' emotional health ahead of whatever it is you're working out yourself. "
I love this comment. And I feel I need to disagree with some other comments using as a justification to leave that P's kids may grow to beat women if she doesn't.
This is FAR FROM the most damaging aspect to her kids. I know men who witnessed their mother being beaten by their fathers or stepfathers. None became violent or beat their girlfriends, but they have serious issues ranging from insecurity to inability to hold a stable relationship that years of therapy have not resolved. They have been traumatized by what they witnessed, and this is something any mother needs to be very clear about: the choice of staying is very damaging to her kids, period.
Posted by Chris M. on December 29, 2011 at 6:55 am | permalink |
That may be true Chris M, but virtually all psychotically violent individuals come from violent upbringings. Read "The Gift of Fear" and you will find that keeping the boys exposed to violent behavior will make them more likely to express violence later in their lives.
Posted by terri on January 1, 2012 at 9:20 pm | permalink |
It's been a long time since you've written about your relationship with hope or happiness, which makes me think it's time for you to leave it. And that's aside from the violence, which – regardless of how difficult the farmer may find you to live with – is never justified.
It's tough to quit a relationship. You think there's something he has to offer that you need. But you have everything you need. And whatever you lose by leaving your life with the farmer, you'll gain so much more by being free and unafraid.
Posted by erica on December 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm | permalink |
Oh honey, that blog post made me so sad for you. I wish I was there so I could give you a hug and hand you a bag of frozen peas and then hug your kids.
You deserve to be loved. Love means not hurting someone. Love means caring. You love your kids deeply. If you aren't strong enough for yourself then look at them and leave the Farmer for their sake. So they learn that violence is not right. So they break this cycle that you are in.
Do it for them now and then, once you are healed, realize that you are doing it for you.
You can do this.
You are brave for posting this and braver still for posting a photo. Now be brave enough to love yourself for once.
Hugs for you and your boys.
Posted by susan on December 28, 2011 at 9:39 pm | permalink |
You are in this relationship because it seems familiar and comfortable to you…..but it should not feel that way to you. You are worthy of being loved. You are not worthless, you are valuable, and you deserve to be with someone who treasures you. But you need to treasure yourself enough to realize that…..I have faith in your ability to treasure who you are…..You know Einstein believed we were made of stardust. I believe you are made of stardust ….. all of us are, bits if infinite light…..and we have a purpose here, that purpose includes an ability to bless others and to be blessed by others….in ways that we can understand and that others can understand. It's clear you know that much… this statement has helped pull me out of mental muck before…..this truth: There is an invisible but infinite source of Love that supports and sustains creation…and you are included in that Love….just be still…..and listen……it is there with you now, it is enveloping you and loving you, and loving your boys. The way will become clear to you. Much love to you dear Penelope
Posted by Mary Beth Williams on December 28, 2011 at 9:40 pm | permalink |
Jeezus.. you go on and on about how smart you are. NOT! Get out bitch.
Posted by MH Williams on December 28, 2011 at 9:41 pm | permalink |
When i started reading this entry, i honestly thought i was being set up for a punchline. Bad pun. Someone who has to resort to hitting has some very serious problems in his
personal history, and an underdeveloped neofrontal cortex, and it is not your responsibility to help him work through them, nor are you the answer to his solitude. excise abusive people from your sphere permanently.
Posted by travis york on December 28, 2011 at 9:43 pm | permalink |
While it's a good idea to get away from your situation, you also need to see a therapist/ psychiatrist. This is not the first time you've been in a "situation" and you will continue to repeat your past mistakes if you don't change your course in life. Do it for the boys. Do it for yourself.
Posted by Adrienne on December 28, 2011 at 9:44 pm | permalink |
I'm so sorry. It's a terrible thing to have a place to go from but not a place to go to. That's homelessness.
Sometimes the brain can get stuck in a shrill wave pattern, kind of life spinning tires. It goes over and over the same thoughts, not letting them go, except these aren't really thoughts, they're just waves.
Breathe deeply and slowly. It's possible to will your heart rate down. This will help slow these brainwaves.
When you can think, search online for a furnished apartment rented out by the week. Take your boys there.
The next step will become apparent after you're there.
Posted by Nancy on December 28, 2011 at 9:45 pm | permalink |
Best comment so far. Thanks, Nancy. Penelope: get yourself somewhere you can afford to stay more than a night or two (just as Nancy suggested), calm yourself down, and start thinking sensibly. You managed to move yourself and your family from New York to Wisconsin. Now you need to move from the farm to wherever. You'll be able to figure out where the "wherever" is when you calm down. Emotions are hard for you. Let them go for now and fix them later. Deal. You've succeeded at it before — you've honed your skills, just need to wield them now. Wishing you the best, and knowing you can achieve that for yourself if you stop looking OUTSIDE yourself (i.e. your blog readers) and just exert your highly capable self from WITHIN to make it happen.
Posted by csts on December 28, 2011 at 10:20 pm | permalink |
Amen, sister!
Posted by Evy MacPhee on December 29, 2011 at 12:35 am | permalink |
It's often odd how others can see our weaknesses, what holds us from prosperity, the small change of perception we need, in order to be the happy normal they want for us. Meanwhile we can't look for what we don't know exists. We don't see it. The answer. The problem. The strength.
Posted by Ryan on December 28, 2011 at 9:45 pm | permalink |
Penelope,I just checked my email and read your post above in my inbox only seconds after contemplating suicide for the umpteenth time this month.
But I have two beautiful children (5 month old boy, 19 month old girl. They are what keeps me from getting rid of myself.(At least for now)I constantly struggle with the realization that my existence here makes no difference and probably does more harm than good.
But the biggest difference between the two of us is YOUR EXISTENCE DOES MATTER AND YOU'VE PUT FORTH SO MUCH GOOD IN THIS WORLD. You're one of the few people who are telling everyone (my generation y, especially) the truth unlike so many delusional, shit-talking, bullshitters in the world today. Sometimes, I get more from your posts than from reading my bible (smh).
Anyway, i just wanted to say I'm wishing the best for you and your boys. You're a true remarkable talent and gift to this world. Please don't give up or give in. With Love, D.
Posted by Danes on December 28, 2011 at 9:45 pm | permalink |
Danes, you have a mood disorder that is treatable. I think it's safe to bet that you also have postpartum depression.
Please get help. See your doctor and tell her about your low moods. She can prescribe medication to help and refer you to a therapist who specializes in your particular life stressors.
Check out more info. here:
http://www.postpartum.net/
and keep the number for the National Suicide Prevention hotline close: 1-800-SUICIDE
You've stopped yourself from hurting yourself so far, which means you aren't worthless — you're strong, and you make good choices for yourself and for your chilcren. Get some help so you can stay strong until things get better. They will, and every day won't feel like a suffocating, uphill battle. I am speaking from experience.
Posted by Megan on December 28, 2011 at 11:13 pm | permalink |
Danes, I concur on the possible postpartum depression speculation. Please, please, find help.
Also, do not underestimate the damage that sleep deprivation can do. I can only imagine how hard having two that young can be. I only have one, but didn't sleep more than 3 hours in a row for the first 6 months and thought I was going to snap. I actually got a prescription for an anti-psychotic. Then I got 5 hours of sleep and couldn't believe how much better I felt and never needed the medicine.
Do you realize that someone who was not an intrinsically good person would not worry in the least about taking up space in the world? The fact that you care about other people, including your beloved children, leads me to believe that the world does need more people like you. I truly hope that you can find a way to take the long view of things and realize that there are really crappy, really painful times, but that they don't tend to last. Things can get so much better. Not perfect, but better with the wonderful highs that Penelope refers to in the studies about children and parental happiness. Overall, there is more day to day hardship, but to see your child(ren) grow and develop charming personalities, well, there is nothing like. Please, please figure out a way to experience that. Take care of yourself Danes.
Posted by concerned for Danes on December 29, 2011 at 2:32 am | permalink |
Danes–take care of yourself! My little ones are also close in age, and it was so hard. Now my baby is a year and I am slowly starting to feel better. It's different for all of us moms, but one thing is the same…it's so, so hard to have babies close together. And it's so hard during the post partum phase until our hormones even out. Add on top of that depression or other issues and it makes it worse. You are absolutely not alone. It will get better. So many women out there have felt exactly what you feel, and many women out there would like a friend in you.
Posted by Sarah on January 3, 2012 at 5:03 am | permalink |
ARE YOU READING ANY OF THESE COMMENTS YET, PENELOPE??? ADD A REPLY SO WE KNOW YOU ARE GETTING IT AND WILL TAKE ACTION!!
Posted by Skeeter on December 28, 2011 at 9:47 pm | permalink |
YES
Posted by Rr on December 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm | permalink |
Yes. I'm reading! I read all the comments all the time. I am not sure what to say. I mostly want to say thank you.
Penelope
Posted by Penelope Trunk on December 28, 2011 at 10:40 pm | permalink |
Okay. Good. You're in a hotel. Take the month and minimize your contact with him (and vice versa) and take a breath. I think the answer to all of this, at least for now, is your kids.
Let's be honest. "The kids" is not an answer that will sustain you forever. It's okay — it wouldn't sustain me forever either. But that doesn't mean it's not a good answer, and it doesn't mean that it's not the answer for now. You can stop worrying about yourself and what this all means for you and your terrible childhood history and how that all fits with where (and who) you are now. Just worry about your kids. You don't want them to go through the same cycles and you don't want them to learn that the violence cycle and whose "fault" it is (or isn't) is the critical question to be answered. You want them to learn that when you're in danger (physically or emotionally) you leave, and you don't return to people who have a history of hurting you, no matter how talkative and needy the other person says you are. Stop thinking about the Farmer and stop thinking about yourself and see this as the Mother of All Homeschool Lessons.
I'm tempted to say, "This can't continue," but the thing is, it *can* continue, for years and years and years. You can take down the whole ship to prove a point that only you understand, or you can get in a lifeboat with your kids and row.
Email me if you want/need. I'm really glad you're in a hotel and I wish you and your boys (and even the Farmer) peace.
Posted by Kim on December 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm | permalink |
Yes!
Posted by Evy MacPhee on December 29, 2011 at 12:39 am | permalink |
I agree: time to leave. I used to hope you could work it out, and I was encouraged by what seemed to be progress. But now, I think it's time. If I read some previous comments correctly, and from what you posted about the wedding here, there isn't really a legal marriage anyway, so walking away will be easy in that respect — though very hard in every other way.
Do the right thing. Do the courageous thing. You've given it a good effort. But now it's time to go.
Please. You don't deserve to be hit. You don't deserve pain. Your boys don't deserve seeing their mother hurt; it will hurt them in ways you can't imagine. They will feel it's their fault; they will feel helpless that they can't stop The Farmer. Tell them it's not their fault – and then leave.
Posted by Someone in WI on December 28, 2011 at 9:50 pm | permalink |
not a legal marriage??? I think you missed a few blog posts along the way…
Posted by Diana on December 29, 2011 at 9:26 am | permalink |
No, it's really not. She said: "The Farmer and I can't get married or the IRS will put a lien on his farm." And as far as I know that is still the same situation, I've been reading at least since then.
Posted by Nessa Speirs on December 30, 2011 at 1:59 pm | permalink |
I thought it was a joke, because today in many countries today is the equivalent to April Fools Day (known as Los Santos Inocentes=day of the holy innocents)
If it is not a joke, report it, divorce and live.
Posted by Mabel on December 28, 2011 at 9:51 pm | permalink |
He beats you because he beats you. He beats you because he's okay with beating someone to get what he wants, and that someone is you because you allow him to beat you. But fundamentally, he beats you because he prefers to beat you. This guy is really okay with beating you.
If he wasn't okay with beating you, he would have walked out, had you evicted, had the locks changed – anything rather than raise a hand to you. He prefers to beat you.
If he wanted a relationship with someone he could intimidate into obedience, he would have thrown you out (see above) and reverted to his original plan – getting a mail order bride. But instead, he beats you – because he prefers to beat you, and because you stick around for it.
Your parents created your need to act out, and then blamed you for acting out. Your father raped you repeatedly, and your mother made it possible for your father to rape you. You acted out, which is appropriate, and then your parents blamed you for acting out. It was easier for your parents to blame you than to take responsibility for being the monsters that they were. And it's easier for you to internalize that blame, because it's your only hope of having some control over the outcome – which is a survival instinct that gives us a modicum of sanity by giving us a sense of control, but has its own tragic impact because the flip side of that coin is self blame.
So now you're an adult. And you choose to be beaten. You think a beating is a conversation in which you have a fighting chance.
Anyone who beats you *cannot* give you what's worth fighting for – trust and intimacy.
You can choose something else. Whatever it is will feel foreign and terrifying to you. You should do this with the frequent support of a therapist, because you might not be able to trust your own instincts, at first. And when you backslide and feel hopeless, it will be helpful to have a professional be able to help you generate your self respect by recounting your progress and putting your present failure into the context of hard earned progress.
At some point in the future, you will feel immeasurably better when you can look back and see that you've modeled for your sons how to have a healthy, loving relationship – first and foremost with yourself.
As for your parents, the Beater, and yourself, remember that desperate people take desperate measures.
You can have love for people, compassion for their desperation, and forgiveness for their failings, and still walk away to save yourself. Even more so when you know that whether you sink or swim, your kids go with you.
Posted by Michelle on December 28, 2011 at 9:51 pm | permalink |
What she said!
You cannot MAKE anyone feel, undiluted, what you want them to feel.
You really need to do serious therapy. Your instincts when you are in a relationship are not to be trusted.
When you say that you are bad at relationships, perhaps you are saying, TO YOURSELF, that you don't know how to think when you are in a relationship.
You deserve love and peace.
Listen to the loving, caring things that your readers are saying to you. Listen.
Posted by Evy MacPhee on December 29, 2011 at 12:50 am | permalink |
You will leave when you have a new goal to move towards. Don't you always tell us to navigate by creating goals and matching resources?
Posted by lou on December 28, 2011 at 9:52 pm | permalink |
I think that, since you're in a hotel, writing about how you're feeling, and reaching out to people, you're already dealing better than many who live silently, and for decades, in fucked-up, dangerous relationships.
I suspect a lot more readers than you might think will join me in empathizing with you. And in being proud of you for leaving with your kids and braving your next steps, whatever they turn out to be.
It may feel like no one would miss you, but I would miss you. I like reading your take on things. I bet most of your readers feel the same. And just because you communicate your feelings best in writing doesn't mean you can't connect. Some things are so much more easily said than done. One of these is changing the way you learned to deal with pain when you were young.
Keep us posted. You'll be in my thoughts.
Kate
ps: aj, you're a dick. She may have a decent ass, but commenting like you did implied that the pain in her post was meaningless. Not that that wasn't your point, I'm sure.
Posted by Kate on December 28, 2011 at 9:53 pm | permalink |
What Skeeter said! It's the only possible conceivable way "it's your fault" — that you're recreating your childhood environment. And yeah, the answer really is therapy for you and not couples therapy. Not because it's "your fault" — it isn't — but because that's how relationships look to you.
That, not aspergers or talking too much or being otherwise "whacky" or edgy, is why: you're patterned for it and so that's what you end up in.
I mean check it out. If this was a career thing instead of a relationship you'd be all over this. I know because I'm sort of channeling what I've learned from your blog!
Also, boy are you mistaken to think nobody cares when you're gone. My drove-me-crazy Aspergers brother died 30 years ago and I *still* miss him. Just saying.
Anyway, yeah, move out. Take your kids. Get help for everybody. Get counseling till you stop trying to make it your fault you get beaten up.
One last thing that's really important: Christmas Eve, two blocks away, a "boyfriend" murdered a woman, a nice middle-class single mom. a neighbor. The kind who's so normal you never noticed her in line at the coffee shop or Halloween walk. So I'm feeling really sensitive about this. But if the farmer has a history of violence and you have a history of getting battered then you could be putting *both* yourselves atrisk: you for the hospital or morgue, him for prison! *Neither* of you "deserve" that. Even though it could happen.
Believe me, I'd never have pecked this out on my stupid iOS keyboard if I didn't think this was really important. I promise!
Good luck, Penelope.
figleaf
Posted by figleaf on December 28, 2011 at 9:53 pm | permalink |
Penelope! Please read what figleaf wrote!!!
Posted by Sasha on December 29, 2011 at 12:25 am | permalink |
Ugg. Never post long, heartfelt comments with a touch-screen keyboard.
When I said that bit about history and hospitals for you and prison for him I want to be really clear I didn't mean "and so it would be your fault." What I meant to say was that even if I was willing to accept your claim that it really was your fault then you still shouldn't go back.
The other typos everyone can learn live with, and anyone with friends who use smart phones probably already has.
figleaf
Posted by figleaf on December 29, 2011 at 1:41 am | permalink |
I read about that murder in the newspaper yesterday, I think.
Chilling.
Posted by Mel on January 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm | permalink |
Leave…do it for you and your boys.
Posted by Sara on December 28, 2011 at 9:54 pm | permalink |
It's never your fault when someone else beats you up no matter what yoy may or may not have done. You're trying to have a fairy tale life on the farm, with the farmer, and it's not working. I don't know you but I know that you should get away. NOW. It's none of my business but you want responses if you posted this, so I told you it was time to leave last time he hit you and I'm telling you again. People don't change unless they want to and even then it's difficult. Do you want this to be your life for years? Do you want your kids to see their mother being beaten? Because kids capture everything even if you try to hide it.Get away now before something worse happens.
Posted by Dasi on December 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm | permalink |
Not sure if poignant is the right word, but your last sentence is a memorable one.
That's the trouble with cycles of violence through generations: people can actually get a sense of well-being by being victimized. My mother-in-law was like that. One son would call her up just to trash her, and she would listen, and listen. And she would pick up the phone every time. It was difficult to know she was going through that, until I realized she got something out of it. He eventually put himself away, no sense going through the grizzly details.
But someone who continues to practice violence knowing that it is going out into the blogosphere, that's dangerous, self-destructive, on both of your parts.
You must know that you kids will miss you. They probably already do, because the mother they had before the farmer is missing.
And we'll all miss you too.
Posted by Steve C on December 28, 2011 at 9:57 pm | permalink |
Grow up and get out if only for your kids' sakes. You are an adult and can make your own life, but your kids depend on you to provide stability and boundaries. The farmer may not be evil, but your relationship is clearly unhealthy and not benefiting either of you.
Focus on rebuilding your career and find meaning in your life outside of the farm and the farmer. You can do it and we all will respect you more for making smarter choices for you and your kids.
Posted by A on December 28, 2011 at 10:00 pm | permalink |
Get out of there. Leave that sick bastard with his animals. You are not an animal. You are a human being. NOBODY has any excuse to abuse another human being, anymore than anyone has an excuse to abuse an animal. What if he abused your kids? Would you sit still for that or would you have him arrested. Do it NOW. Save your kids and save yourself.
Posted by Ken on December 28, 2011 at 10:02 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
I feel bad for you, but I feel worse for your kids. I was raised with a physically abusive father. My Dad has been dead for 33 years and the violence I experienced still haunts me. I both loved and hated him. When I was old enough I got away and met someone I am truly happy with. Like you, I also am an Aspie, and I know living with me is not easy for my NT wife, but we don't have violence. We have arguments to be sure, but we don't have violence. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Wishing you all the best,
Steve Walker
Posted by Steve Walker on December 28, 2011 at 10:05 pm | permalink |
There were a thousand ways you could have shown your hip bruise. But you chose the most provocative. The most pageview getting. These comments you're receiving- Penelope you know these are unforgivably biased and thus inauthentic. You know these comments aren't real or rational, and that they will only make you feel good in this heated moment. None of your readers know what really happens in your life. They only know the tiniest, most flavored slice. You've made it clear you are a child of trauma. You seem to relish it. That's your prerogative. Maybe the farmer relishes it too. Maybe that's why neither of you leaves the other. But maybe this isn't the identity you want to brand your kids with for their lives?
Posted by Garrett on December 28, 2011 at 10:05 pm | permalink |
ignore this asshole
Posted by afb1221 on December 30, 2011 at 9:04 pm | permalink |
He may be right – this block feels so strongly of the need for attention that I wonder how much of it is fiction (intended or otherwise).
Posted by David B on January 4, 2012 at 6:08 am | permalink |
Penelope- My offer for a place FL is still open. I hope you are feeling all the love your readers are sending in these posts.
Posted by Laurel in FL on December 28, 2011 at 10:06 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I read your blog faithfully, but these posts where you describe your abusive relationship make me so sad. You know that you need to leave the Farmer for good. If not for yourself, then for your kids. By staying, you are teaching them that violence is okay.
Don't do this to your boys, please. Do you want them to end up in abusive relationships, either as abuser or abused? You should leave because your kids need to see you being treated well so that when they grow up they can be in healthy relationships and know how to treat others. You may be difficult, but you are a good mother. As a mother myself, I can read how your love for your children shines through every post where you talk about them.
Please take your kids out of this poisonous environment. It is better to be alone, really.
Posted by Debbie on December 28, 2011 at 10:06 pm | permalink |
You are abusing your children by staying. You. You are responsible for you and them. Get out and stay out.
Violence is ALWAYS wrong. It is NOT your fault.
Please for your children get out. You know you must. Now find the strength and the support and do it.
Posted by kristine on December 28, 2011 at 10:07 pm | permalink |
Penelope, this is a momentous occasion for you. You have choices, everyone does. This is the moment to make yours.
Abuse is inherited, you got it from your parents. You can choose to stay and raise your sons to believe violence is ok, that fear is normal, that hitting is loving. Raise them to believe that it's ok for their mom to get knocked around.
Or you can choose to make sure the cycle of abuse stops with you. That you don't carry this on, that you don't allow your children to think this is ok, and you can make sure they never hit their wives or girlfriends. That they never feel like you feel now, or make someone else feel that way.
I got out, it was awful, I literally made myself sick. I have never healed financially ( I could use career advice!), I am very much in debt. But I don't ever again have to share a bed with my abuser. Or a meal, or a car ride, or…yeah, it's the best feeling! Save yourself and your kids. Move on. LIVE
Posted by Karen on December 28, 2011 at 10:08 pm | permalink |
Please read and re-read Karen's response.
I was married to an abusive man for over 10 years. I was the breadwinner and had a master's degree and it took me that long to figure out it was abuse not love & that I was so well trained NOT to see it.
I felt so ashamed that I didn't recognize it, afraid to call the cops (he was in the 'helping' professions)until he threatened to rape me and threatened to kill himself in front of my 5 year old. I started calling the cops and finally got an order of protection — still scared – no, terrified – but I did it, step by step.
I ended up paying *him* in the divorce settlement but it is a small price to pay for freedom and my life.
Some days are very hard but every day I am happy & free from constant fear. And, I've realized I don't have to have to miss that kind of love.
Once you start asking for help, people will start helping you — in real life.
Posted by btdt on December 29, 2011 at 8:40 am | permalink |
I want to add this in reference to the post's title: This is not about quitting. This is about growing. Quitting implies that you are giving up on your relationship with the farmer. But that's not what this is about. This is about improving your relationship with yourself and your kids. If it helps to have something to research right now, try googling "growth mindset."
Sometimes you face a choice between being stunted or leaving. Leaving is hard and sad and it sucks great big monkey balls, but it doesn't look anything like quitting.
If it would help to email me, feel free.
Posted by Robin on December 28, 2011 at 10:10 pm | permalink |
By the way, that's not a bruise, that's a wound. Anywhere near a vital organ, or above the shoulders, you're probably a statistic. I played hockey for many years, took a lot of licks, and never had a bruise that looks that bad. I wouldn't go back with out a couple of bodyguards, or a lot of big male friends. I'm mixed about bringing the sheriffs on board, but I'm sure they would recommend it.
Do the right thing. You know you have to. You're too bright not to.
Posted by Steve C on December 28, 2011 at 10:11 pm | permalink |
I misquoted the saying that helped me some years ago….it just helped me to cling to this thought….that we live in a benevolent universe that supports and sustains creation….if you can take a moment and just affirm that. Affirming what you want to see in your life will help a LOT….it helped me a LOT in many situations. I'm a single mother who's had a very abusive family and ex-husband……you are here for a reason, you have the ability to help thousands of women…..you CAN navigate through this and you will be in a position to bless many many people. I believe in you. We believe in you Penelope. You are a beautiful, kind, and caring human being. You are genuine. You are authentic. You are the real deal. The world needs you….The world needs people who are willing to speak the truth. You have a talent for that. One of the answers I am sure is that you do not deserve to be hurt….physically or emotionally. Whatever comfort zone you have for this kind of treatment has to be given up….you are up to this. I know you are. We love you Penelope.
Posted by Mary Beth Williams on December 28, 2011 at 10:11 pm | permalink |
Penelope – come out to L.A., get your hair done by your girlfriend and you can stay in my mom's place in Park LaBrea for a month (she passed away today in the hospital). Email me A.S.A.P. if you have interest, then if you need to transition elsewhere, you may. Please allow me to help. I've followed you for at least 5 yrs. However, just because Domestic Violence is familiar, doesn't mean it's good for you, or YOUR kids. They do not need to see this as normal. Get help from somewhere. Recognizing that you need it was your 1st step. Congratulations Penelope, take the 2nd step and get out.
Posted by Dave The Volleyball Mgr on December 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm | permalink |
Yes, Penelope, please take take up Dave on his offer. Or fly to LA. It's beautiful here at this time of year. If you can fly out here for free haircuts, you can fly out here for free rent.
I'll get you free tickets to plays.
There's no reason to stay in Wisconsin and a lot of reasons to leave.
If your ex is local, let him have the kids for a month. It's quite normal for one parent to have the kids for a few weeks during this time of year.
Posted by Gib Wallis on December 29, 2011 at 7:29 pm | permalink |
I agree you could have shown a less provacative picture of your bruise/injury; but if your intent was to attract interest to this particular blog, it worked. Local law enforcement officials seeing this will be calling so you and the Farmer can explain the extent of domestic violence ongoing in your household. If you're as educated as you say you are, you have options and should leave immediately with your children — unless you want them to grow up with hang-ups similar to yours. If I was your child, I'd wonder why you subjected yourself to pain — and subjected your kids to watching ugliness unfold. Do yourself and your children the biggest favor possible: leave and don't look back. No regrets. Life is too short as it is.
Posted by doodles on December 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm | permalink |
Here is some tough love for you, Penelope. You desperately want to be missed, but guess what, when you're desperate, you won't get what you want. You will get plenty of the opposite. Sorry, to break it to you, sistah. However, I have a feeling you already know it yourself. And why in the name of the Lord of the Rings would you want to be missed my someone who, as you clearly put it, can't stand you? (Well, we all had that issue at some point in our life, didn't we?) Stop focusing so much on yourself and take a good look at your kids. The abandoned will abandon, and it goes for all other aspects of human behavior. Don't allow your kids to be in the middle of violence, if you can put an end to it. THESE ARE YOUR KIDS! Who gives a shit about le Farmer. Men come and go, people come and go, kids are yours forever. Focus on them, they need a healthy environment, positive role models and mentally stable mother.
Posted by Victoria Mashkova on December 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm | permalink |
There is NO EXCUSE for violence. It is NOT your fault. You DON'T deserve it. Period. You are a wonderful person. You owe it to yourself and your children to keep away from this "farmer" and you need no report this to the police. You are intelligent and creative and write fascinating blogs. Starting to live your life with a new beginning is always a challenge, but well worth it. Teach your children that violence will NOT be tolerated so that they don't grow up to be victims themselves. People do care about you. Now is the time to muster up the courage and the strength to stand up for yourself. It won't get better unless you break free and move on. Do it for yourself, do it for your children, and do it for all victims of violence. We are all pulling for you Penelope, but you must do this yourself. Good luck.
Posted by steve on December 28, 2011 at 10:18 pm | permalink |
I'm sure other people have said this already–but I want to reiterate that the feeling that things will change if only you are better/different somehow is a classic scenario in domestic violence. It's not insane to want someone to miss you. The insane part is expecting this person to miss you. Someone who hits people isn't capable of giving you the kind of love you need, the kind of love that makes a relationship possible. I tried to be "good/better/different" for 18 years in a relationship and it never got better. I got better at speaking up, and finally I left. This situation you're in is what they call "going to the hardware store for bread" in Al-Anon. THERE IS NO BREAD AT THE HARDWARE STORE.
Posted by Anonymous on December 28, 2011 at 10:18 pm | permalink |
The comment here, from Anonymous really hits home to me.
Now that I'm in this position, I am certain that other people who are in similar position to mine will use this comment string as a support system.
I feel like the comments here are something so big and special. Too big for just me. These comments are a gift to the universe of people who will benefit from reading them.
Thank you so much.
Penelope
Posted by Penelope Trunk on December 28, 2011 at 10:36 pm | permalink |
Don't discard such gifts.
Posted by Kimberly R. on December 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm | permalink |
Penelope, please listen to all the people who say you have touched them in a positve way. Not only have I learned so much from you, careerwise, but my 19 year old bi-polar daughter reads your blog as she as many of the same communication challenges that you have. You do not realize how many people would miss you and why. Please. Please be safe.
Posted by mgl on December 29, 2011 at 5:02 pm | permalink |
Worthwhile reading – you're being gaslighted: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html
Posted by Anne on December 28, 2011 at 10:19 pm | permalink |
Anne, thank you for sharing this link with Penelope. I looked it up and it is WONDERFUL. I have been the victim of gaslighting….it's hard for victims to realize what is happening…it's the ultimate betrayal to take a woman's good intentions and twist them….I was married to an emotionally abusive gaslighter, he grew up in a home in which he was sexually, physically and emotionally abused. He does no want any therapy and gets angry if I ever bring it up. Shame is a trick they use constantly. Shame has to be uncovered for what it is….a lie. No one deserves to be shamed or to be made to feel as if they are shameful. Thank you.
Posted by Mary Beth Williams on December 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm | permalink |
Thanks, Anne, I posted this to my facebook. Glad to find a term for something I caught on to a couple years ago.
Posted by Mel on January 5, 2012 at 1:07 pm | permalink |
In addition to my earlier post. Sending you love, prayers and angels. <3
Posted by Geanine on December 28, 2011 at 10:24 pm | permalink |
I too have been wondering why I wasn't getting my regular dosage of Blog posts from you. I actually thought that perhaps you and the boys were out sharing a wonderful Christmas vacation somewhere. WTF!!???
What surprises me more than anything else is your willingness to share such personal details of your life with the public. I'm not saying its wrong to express yourself. But if you're writing about this kind of pain, you have to know that its not right, right?
I have always admired your honesty but what you posted today makes me feel sorry for you.
I don't want to pity you. I want you to get it together. I don't know how you could even consider keeping your children in that relationship….
Stop looking to other people to make up for past hurt, and stop allowing people to continue to hurt you. Perhaps you need to reevaluate the value of a fresh perspective: You CAN leave and he WILL miss you.
Posted by Alicia on December 28, 2011 at 10:27 pm | permalink |
I wonder if you posted that pic because you perceive you perceive your self worth to be tied to your body/sexuality. It's not.
I faithfully follow your blog because you help me be a better person. You inpsire me. You're witty, funny and brilliant.
That's why I began following your blog. Now, I follow it because I genuinely care about you and I would miss you if you left. You matter to me, and I haven't even met you.
Posted by Molly Michaels on December 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm | permalink |
I think I might unsubscribe after this post. It's not a career blog anymore, it's just a diary of a troubled person with many problems.
Posted by V on December 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm | permalink |
What the . . .?!? This is how you avoid drama {clicks the unsubscribe link}.
Posted by Macy on December 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm | permalink |
First of all, it took a lot of courage to post that story. I know that was the easy part. Leaving an abusive relationship is the hard part because your spirit and self confidence are in ruins. They make you feel like it's your fault so they can appease their own guilt.
If you are not sure if you should leave, ask yourself what advice you would give to your best friend or better yet, your daughter if she were in the same situation. If you are not feeling strong enough to leave then think about the message you are sending to your kids by staying. You are telling them it is ok for them to stay in an abusive relationship or it is ok to treat others like that. Then expect your kids to follow the pattern of being abused or an abuser.
I am only saying this because I know… And trust me, I know how hard it is… This is the bottom line… It is never ok under any circumstance for anyone to hit you. Never.
Posted by Andrea on December 28, 2011 at 10:39 pm | permalink |
He needs to leave.
By going to jail.
Posted by Patrick on December 28, 2011 at 10:41 pm | permalink |
Jesus, get the fuck out. Seriously. Now. I married that man. Thought he was great. Turned out he wasn't. I'm college-educated, have a good family, thought it could never happen to me. But it did. Took me 15 years to recover. Take care of yourself. Nobody deserves to treat you like that.
Posted by Sally on December 28, 2011 at 10:43 pm | permalink |
I apologize ahead of time for being rude. If you are not in the mood to read it feel free to skip this comment (or delete it's your blog) . I enjoy reading your blog. It gives me things to think about and I enjoy that. However after reading it I get the impression that you are not an easy person to live with or be married too. Fine we all have things in life we suck at. There will be plenty of time to reflect on that from the comfort of a nice divorce attorney's office. The farmer's excuses of why he is beating you are junk. Your excuses for staying are also junk. It's time to go. One of your main themes has been having the courage to do things that will, in the long run, make you happy. It's time to take your own advice.
Posted by TR on December 28, 2011 at 10:46 pm | permalink |
The reality is that nobody is really easy to live with or be married to.
Posted by Deanna on December 29, 2011 at 12:12 am | permalink |
If you're not going to choose safety for yourself, at least choose it for your children.
Witnessing this gives them little hope of growing up to not perpetuate your family's cycle on their eventual partners. Are you able to hear that and understand what it means?
The best case scenario here is that they are screwed up from watching their mom get her ass kicked by her husband, and that they need therapy.
The worst case scenario is that he kills you in front of them.
I have worked with thousands of abused women and children, and you are on a path with no winning outcome.
Choose your children, Penelope: Choose their physical and emotional safety.
Posted by Megan on December 28, 2011 at 10:47 pm | permalink |
big hugs
I hate seeing that you are hurt. You are such a wonderful and beautiful woman.
You do not ever deserve to be hit. The farmer is a violent man and he is making excuses saying that you cause him to be violent. There is no justification for violence.
Ever. Period. Leave now with your kids.
Posted by Micaela on December 28, 2011 at 10:48 pm | permalink |
SADLY, ONE DAY YOUR KIDS WILL PROBABLY WISH YOU HAD LOVED THEM MORE THAN YOU DID YOUR WRITING ADDICTION.
Posted by Bill on December 28, 2011 at 10:49 pm | permalink |
That is a very judgmental thing to say. Because she loves writing doesn't mean she doesn't love her children. Not to mention, everyone is commenting on how much they have missed her posts, wondering where she's been. Someone with a writing addiction would have actually been posting.
Posted by Deanna on December 29, 2011 at 12:18 am | permalink |
If she loves her kids, then she shouldn't be exposing them to such an environment. It's only time until her kids start hitting her.
Posted by Gavin on December 30, 2011 at 2:11 am | permalink |
That's a really odd thing to say, since it's pretty obvious throughout her blog how much P loves her kids. One of the things she hasn't reiterated in this post, but has said before, is that she also stayed with the Farmer because she didn't want them to have to change fathers yet again, living on a farm appears to be good for them, and the Farmer is a good dad. Although he's not the biological dad, putting kids through divorce is hell for everyone. (although in this case it seems necessary)
As for writing addiction…self-expression heals and helps people figure out things. Loving kids and expressing oneself is a complementary thing.
Posted by Colleen on December 29, 2011 at 12:42 pm | permalink |
I don't exactly know what to say, but after staring at this screen for nearly an hour I know I have to say something. I'm disturbed in so many ways. I've been reading your blog for years (ever since my blog was syndicated at the old Brazen Careerist). I've read the downward spiral, and fear for the day that we see another lull like this between posts and then I read that something tragic has happened to you. I genuinely worry about that. And then I saw this picture and immediately knew the cry for help you were shouting before I even read the blog. You know what you have to do, and dammit, you're strong enough to do it. Leave. Leave and never look back. You are worth so much more than this…than this experience…than this pain…than this post.
Posted by Breanne on December 28, 2011 at 10:51 pm | permalink |
Carolyn Hax, the Washington Post's excellent advice columnist, recommends "The Gift of Fear" to anyone who may be in an abusive situation and could use an outside perspective. Good luck. I've also struggled with leaving harmful relationships, and even the right path is a difficult one. Keep posting so we can support you.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/?tag=brazecaree-20
Posted by DC reader on December 28, 2011 at 10:56 pm | permalink |
I'm totally confused as to why you found it necessary to post a photo of your bare rear end that's nowhere near the bruise you're showing….
Anyway, staying in this relationship is not ok. In about a hundred ways, it's not ok.
Posted by Kimberly Rotter on December 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm | permalink |
Predicted this coming a year and a half ago. Surprised the Farmer didn't get rid of her sooner.
"That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me."
I think he'll finally miss you when he "accidently" kills you and he's contemplating his life sentence in a prison cell.
Posted by awiz8 on December 28, 2011 at 11:00 pm | permalink |
Well, since no one else seemed willing to take action, I did. I'm not one to stand idly by while someone beats up a woman, so I called the local police. They said they would be by to investigate tomorrow. Normally they would come out immediately they said, but I told them you were no longer at home. Don't worry, Penelope, we're on your side, and your husband, with any luck, will be in jail by tomorrow afternoon.
Posted by Jo-Jo on December 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm | permalink |
Thumbs up
Posted by Kimberly R. on December 28, 2011 at 11:13 pm | permalink |
LIKE.
Posted by Bren on December 28, 2011 at 11:26 pm | permalink |
Jo-Jo, you do realize you have NO IDEA what ACTUALLY happened, right?
Posted by Garrett on December 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm | permalink |
and you do know that's why the police do what's called an … hmmm… what's that word again??? Oh right! "investigation."
That's what happens in a civilization instead of a bunch of random people heading south out of Mineral Point for a nighttime lynching.
Posted by Elise on December 29, 2011 at 12:01 am | permalink |
Good Work. No idea where that is, but I'm glad you do.
Posted by Anne on December 28, 2011 at 11:41 pm | permalink |
Jo-Jo: The police came to the house.
Adding the police to the mix is not something I ever would have done. And it will surprise no one to hear that I won't press charges. But Jo-Jo, you involving the police somehow makes all of this seem more real to me. Thank you for caring so much.
Penelope
Posted by Penelope Trunk on December 29, 2011 at 1:13 am | permalink |
This is stupid. This is no longer a career blog. WTF are you doing?
Posted by Anonymous on December 29, 2011 at 1:07 pm | permalink |
in my jurisdiction it's not the victim's call whether charges will be pressed – because as you've demonstrated, victims suck at making this decision.
Press charges.
Posted by hornblower on December 29, 2011 at 1:21 pm | permalink |
well done jo jo – I was just checking back in to see if things had progressed … you did a great public service here for P and her babes – I am glad it has made it more real for you P – reality bites eh … I felt so helpless here in the other hemisphere of the world … love to you – many of us have left these situations and have prospered on and upwards – you will to – le xox
Posted by le@third on December 29, 2011 at 5:29 am | permalink |
Thank you for taking action, Jo-Jo.
Posted by JennyU on December 29, 2011 at 11:27 am | permalink |
Jo-Jo: fantastic. well done.
Penelope: I love you. I think it's incredible for you, in the position you're in, to be thinking still of how others will benefit from your writing all of this down. It's true: with this community, you've created a fantastic resource for people everywhere who are lost and scared for all sorts of reasons. This comment thread is a gift to the universe, and it started with you. Keep it going – we want you to be around for a long time.
Posted by Meg on December 29, 2011 at 2:14 pm | permalink |
It is really great Penelope has the followers to support her views.
Posted by stopthebullshit on December 29, 2011 at 8:54 pm | permalink |
Jo Jo: you did the right thing. Since you have an address for Penelope and her husband, perhaps you'd consider taking one more step: contact the Child Protective Services program of the Wisconsin Department of Children and Families. (Their phone #262-605-6528.) They'll send a social worker over to walk through the house and talk to everyone — including the kids — and confirm that Penelope's children are safe. From what I've read here, it doesn't sound like either Penelope or her husband are behaving in ways that make her children's safety and well-being their top priority. It's a farm, so there are likely guns in the house, and that alone mixed with angry parents having violent arguments raises real questions about the safety of the home for the kids. Also, Penelope has taken the kids out of school, so they're deprived of that regular contact with people who are paying attention to what's going on with them and would normally be among the first to notice if something's wrong. You can make this call anonymously if you feel you need to. I'm probably not the only person reading this blog who feels enormous relief knowing that you involved the authorities. Thanks.
Posted by Robert on December 29, 2011 at 2:36 pm | permalink |
Robert's comment is very important.
Penelope: You are smart, write amazingly, good at your job, and have the love of your many readers. However, given your personal situation, not to mention being an aspie, you are totally unable to home-school your children. Please, please put them back to a regular school in a good schooling district.
Posted by Aspie parent on December 30, 2011 at 2:19 am | permalink |
Jo-Jo – thank you so much for taking that action – I feel in a sense you took it on all of our behalf.
Robert makes an *excellent* point, please (anyone who knows PT in real life) take one additional step and call Child Protective Services. Because the kids are not in a traditional school there is no visibility into their safety (not to mention what they might be driven to do to defend their mom). Thanks to anyone local who will act.
Posted by brooklynchick on December 31, 2011 at 12:46 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I will miss you so very much if anything happens to you. Many people are moved into action by you. I know I have been inspired to think out of the box more regarding life and building a buisness. I remember the last time you and the Farmer had this type of issue. I had litterly prayed that you had posted something on your blog that day. I was so looking forward to what I might learn that day. It was one of those Pandoras box type of readings. You made me feel a million emotions. Mainly a wish to protect you from how out of hand things have gotten. I am so proud of you for writting about this. I know it is hard, and I think you are spot on when you write that it is what you know. The one differance is you are not a child now. You can and should go to a hotel, friends house or heck my place outside of Autin TX. Get some space from one another. Take the kids. It is time to change old patterns. This is not healthy for any of you. If you need someone to talk to, I can be there for you. Sometimes it is helpful just to lean on a perfect stranger. I want to say so much more to encourage you, that it will not always be this way. The one good thing about you staying local at least for a little while at a hotel is that. You and the Farmer could continue therapy. Hang in there.You are such a brave and strong women. Know that you are ment to have all good things in life.
Posted by Gabbrielle Breda on December 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm | permalink |
P-
Leave. Before he hates you. Before you hate him. Before you really start to believe its your fault. It takes two to create violence.
This. This is not progress.
Just leave.
Liza
P.S, Minneapolis is very entrepreneur.
Posted by Liza on December 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm | permalink |
I came back to read to make sure Penelope seems okay and see comments such as this and feel compelled to point out NO it does not take two to create violence- what in heavens name could Liza be thinking.
I thought to not comment at all but that seems dangerous, if one person thinks such a thing, how many others are wrong about the dynamics.
Posted by Pluma on December 31, 2011 at 10:42 pm | permalink |
Please Penelope… take care of yourself, your kids. Return to what you know best. You have so many people supporting you and I'm one of them. My heart aches for you to find a place that can bring you anything close to peace and happiness. You still have time to find rewarding peace and fulfillment. There's no perfect in this world, just varying degrees of comfort and achievement with crap mixed in. The crap part… we can control that but it takes the wherewithal to say god-damn it, I've had it and it's time to move on. Honestly, Penelope, it's not too late for you. Make that move… write about it… inspire others to follow in your footsteps. Together, we can all find courage. Do it, Penelope.
Posted by Steve C on December 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm | permalink |
Oh P. As someone else who lived in a violent home for way too long, I can tell you that yes, you will blame yourself and no, it's not your fault. Of course it isnt. Logically, it can't be your fault, but there's something in us that makes us blame ourselves. I didn't get out until I had a 100 percent sure place to go. I made the plan and I made sure it was airtight and then one night I put the plan into action. And it worked. I hope you can fun your plan. And if your plan is to stay in a hotel until you figure out another plan, then that's just fine. Take it one day at a time. But don't go back. You deserve so much better. Hugs.
Posted by Lisa on December 28, 2011 at 11:06 pm | permalink |
I miss you when you don't write. You're funny, honest, articulate and you always make me think. Big hug and I hope you find the strength to make the right decision here.
Posted by sk on December 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm | permalink |
ok, that's it for me. unsubscribing now.
Posted by Kathleen on December 28, 2011 at 11:09 pm | permalink |
I don't understand why people feel the need to announce that they're unsubscribing. Nobody cares, so you might as well keep your negativity to yourself and just unsubscribe.
Posted by Colleen on December 29, 2011 at 2:06 pm | permalink |
Colleen – thank you, well said
Posted by AJP on December 30, 2011 at 8:12 am | permalink |
Dear Penelope!
What's the point!? You know you should leave. It amazes me, how many of us women will take all types of abuse for the sake of having a man in our life! God please help us understand how to let go! Love is not suppose to be painful in any form. My interpretation of the part of the marriage vows that says "until death do you part" does not mean one has to be six feet under…. it means when the marriage is "dead"…. leave immediately!
Posted by E Green on December 28, 2011 at 11:12 pm | permalink |
I meant to say "when the marriage is dead" get the hell out!
Posted by E Green on December 28, 2011 at 11:13 pm | permalink |
I agree with the resounding sentiment above, to leave.
What if your relationship was a business? Love, happiness, support the product. Clearly The approach is flawed. Walk away, start over, reinvent.
Posted by Jocelyn on December 28, 2011 at 11:14 pm | permalink |
READ HIS POST FROM TODAY RIGHT NOW!
http://www.jamesaltucher.com/
You know this guy,I found his blog through you. READ TODAY'S POST.
And then link to it on your blog for anyone else who's 'down'. This will help right now, this minute. For any situation.
Posted by Suzanne on December 28, 2011 at 11:20 pm | permalink |
Penelope, you are one of my favorite writers. I have missed you in my RSS feed. I never know what to think of you, and that's why I like you — you are an authentic person with interesting thoughts. You are smart. Totally selfishly? I DO miss you when you don't write.
But I also want you and your family to be safe. Please, do whatever you feel you need to do to take care of yourself.
Posted by Cat on December 28, 2011 at 11:21 pm | permalink |
I have no doubt that you can be a maddening, frustrating, annoying, mind-blowingly irritating person to live with.
But healthy, civilized adults do not use violence to address interpersonal difficulties. They don't scream and break things. They talk or they walk. They exercise self-control and self-discipline; they don't try to control or discipline the other person.
You can only work effectively on your own interpersonal skills in a safe and supportive environment. It looks, sadly, as if your relationship with the Farmer is NOT such a situation.
You cannot be a good mother to your children unless your are a good custodian of your own life and well-being. Get them somewhere safe so that you can do the work that will let you navigate relationships in security and with joy.
Find among your friends a truly happy married couple, preferably one who has been together for twenty years or more. Listen to them, observe how they interact each with each other, ask them how "love in action" looks, sounds, feels. Talk to them about how they resolve conflictsâbig ones about money or time or child-rearing or sex. You desperately need healthy models in real, live people so that you can believe it's really possible.
Posted by Pascale Soleil on December 28, 2011 at 11:21 pm | permalink |
I read your blog every day because you are inspiring and sometimes you are funny.
I worked so hard in college and it led me nowhere. Your blog is what keeps me motivated to hang in there and look for different avenues–hell, even CREATE different avenues for myself. And I've been doing that.
So, THANK YOU PENELOPE. THANK YOU for taking the time to educate me about the harsh economy we live in and motivate me to grab it by the horns.
P.s. I will miss you. So will any of your other readers. Take care of yourself!!!
Posted by Karolina on December 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm | permalink |
Here's the thing about abusers, they draw you in. You used to work at Brazen Careerist, then you moved to Madison, the kids went off to school, now they don't. It's like coming close to a black hole and getting sucked in.
In any case, when you spoke about "quitting" that struck a chord in me. You will never be perfect enough to avoid the farmer getting angry and hitting you.
He can't stand your yakking? No problem, find a deaf man.
In any case, who am I to talk about this? I went back after having a boiling pot of soup thrown on me (Causing 2nd degree burns waist down) You have to find your own path out. Abusive relationships are so addictive, the drama, the making up and the entire cycle. It has nothing to do with being smart either and the cognitive dissonance only makes you hate yourself more.
It is entirely possible, to be successful and have severe abuse in your relationship.
I think the hardest part for me was figuring out that it's ok to love the abuser and still choose to stay away. I was very ashamed and conflicted. I read a book by the Dalai Lama and he kind of separated love from other emotions, for me. It helped a lot. So it's ok if you love the farmer, but from far away. It's ok to miss him and grieve not having him around.
What I miss the most when I'm single is just having companionship, someone breathing the same air as I am and being around.
Reach out to your friends you would be surprised how many of them care.
Posted by Rachelle on December 28, 2011 at 11:24 pm | permalink |
I left a situation like yours 6 years ago. I thought the world was going to end. Instead I met a wonderfull partner and could not be more happy. It took me 10 years to leave. I wanted to for a long time but did not have the strength. Alanon helped me leave. Go to some Alanon- meetings to gain insight and strength. Btw when I first attended Alanon I did not even know my spouse was an alcoholic.
Posted by Jennifer on December 28, 2011 at 11:31 pm | permalink |
Al Anon saved my life, too.
Posted by Joselle on December 30, 2011 at 9:39 am | permalink |
Get the hell out. I would definitely miss you if anything happened to you. Those kids come first, and violence is never healthy for kids. Take care Penelope!
Posted by Gwenn on December 28, 2011 at 11:33 pm | permalink |
P. first big hug to you. You say you choose interesting over happiness. Physical violence isn't interesting, it's bad energy. Positive energy is interesting, and happy too.
Your gift of gab, wanting to talk all night, is a wonderful thing. It is a gift. The problem is that it isn't a gift to the farmer. You need to find someone that appreciates your gift. The reinforcement of someone loving your gift is soooo much better than being missed.
I learned this from leaving my first marriage. Marriage #2 is with a man who loves the gifts I give him. And I love his. It is so much better than the bad energy. With the good energy of this relationship, we do great things together and it is beyond interesting.
I so hope you seek a life of positive energy interesting. I so hope you quit this bad energy. It breaks my heart to know that you are surrounded with this right now. I will be sending you lots of positive energy to live your best life, for you and the boys. xoxo
Posted by Shelley on December 28, 2011 at 11:37 pm | permalink |
I don't like the tone of my last post.
Penelope. Be strong. You're a wonderful writer and a powerful think tank. You're capable of anything.
Please take care of yourself.
Posted by Karolina on December 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm | permalink |
Oh, Penelope…
He beat you and if he could not not hit you then he needs to go away. If he cannot stand you talking to him and you cannot stop then he needs to go away. Or you need to stay away until you can or maybe forever.
Nobody should be getting hit in any of this.
Posted by Angela Wilson on December 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm | permalink |
I actually totally understand what you are saying about wanting to be missed, and feeling paralyzed by the idea that it would be a relief to the farmer if you finally just left, and dreading that re-enactment from your childhood. The worst part is the the dread, the thinking about it, about how you think it's going to make you feel. You're not going to be able to create the situation you need to feel good about leaving the farmer, it's just impossible, and you're obviously getting your ass kicked while trying.
Once you go, you will continue on just the way BC does, the way everything does. Everything continues on. You will survive, and who knows, maybe you'll be happier not fighting all the time and making your kids wonder what happened to their strong wonderful mother who used to look out for herself and for them.
Posted by w.s. on December 28, 2011 at 11:41 pm | permalink |
Penelope, something I appreciate about you is that you tell the truth as you see it. You are the person standing in the middle of the room saying what everybody else is deliberately not seeing, because they have some reason to deny the truth.
Now you are on the other side of that transaction; your readers are telling you some truths that you will want to deny. You have done us a favor over the years by telling us what you see; now please listen to what we are telling you.
It's good that you are at a hotel. Well done. Next step: find some housing that is more permanent than a hotel. Deal solely with logistics for now. There will be time to deal with the emotions and try to understand this later, when you are someplace safe that you can be for a while.
If you can't deal with logistics, contact a domestic violence organization or the Brazen Careerist EAP, and tell them you need help with the logistics of finding housing. Tell them you have Asperger's so they understand why you need this kind of help. If the first place you call can't get it for you, call someone else. Go down the list of commenters offering help if you need to.
If you want to grow and become a better person, you will need to get into a different environment. The environment on the farm will continue to get worse. You have already seen this; going back to your parents not only didn't make things better for you — it didn't make you better. As you are observing, this situation is the same. What you were looking for by moving there is not there to find.
You can do this. You're strong enough. Your kids need you to find a new place to live. Your readers need you to find a new place to live. You have already taken some steps in a good direction by going to the hotel. Keep taking them, one at a time.
Posted by Becky on December 28, 2011 at 11:42 pm | permalink |
A couple of things â when your in the middle of things you just can't seem to see what is so obvious from the outside. This is where so many of your great attributes and abilities are actually holding you back that work in so many routes. In sports and work â you do the extra lap, pick up extra skills â you become unbeatable because you never quit and won't give up. That ability to win against all odds enables the forging ahead of innovation and amazing feats of pushing the limits of human abilities and the beauty of what an individual can overcome. This is not a race â nor is it winnable â nor should your efforts be directed towards this situation to "fix it" or make it right. The family you come from or are currently in isn't as important as the family you will become. To gain the strength to move on â if you children were in the same situation and being hurt and treated as you are â what would you say? No way in hell does anyone deserve that and you wouldn't allow them to go through it â nor will you. You want to be missed and loved â but you already have that and their hearts are in the hotel room with you tonight.
When your kids look back on this someday â they won't remember the extra lap, or working late or any of the other markers and milestones that litter the sports pages and resumes. They will remember that their mother was so strong and loved them so much that she broke the cycle to give them the life that both they deserved and she deserved. That no individual or family deserves to EVER be treated like this and its unacceptable. Tonight watch them sleep, put your hand on their chest and feel their little hearts beating, kiss them on the head and go to sleep.
Tomorrow you get the opportunity to show your kids how to win and move forward in the biggest race they will ever face â it's called life. It will be your greatest achievement and gift that will define and shape your not only you and your childrens â but their children as well for generations to come. Its like in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" â you don't even realize how many lives you can touch.
You can do it â all the roads you have traveled will bring you to the moment and crossroads tomorrow with your kids. You get to write the ending to this story â truly the greatest blog you will ever have!
Posted by Jon on December 28, 2011 at 11:43 pm | permalink |
Okay, anyone who actually lives in Wisconsin should know that if she feels stuck in the situation it's because she doesn't make the money that she says she makes. Living out here is tough and not really as glamorous as she has tried to make it seem. Anyone with sense (which sorry but Pen, you don't really have) wouldn't have moved to a farm out in Wisconsin. The type of living that they make out here is sweat equity. There are no secrets that can be revealed in a weekly blog for "fast money". Penelope, I am not going to fault you or the Farmer. You are two different people who can not work together because your whole foundation is opposite. The farmer sweats day to day off the land making enough to just survive. You come from a point of view that a person should be able to capitalize on peoples mistakes or non-mistakes (all your advise is about dealing with other people's personalities). And so I go back to my initial statement: you are using the farmer because you need to be taken care of (money) and as soon as you realize this you will have the power to move on. Yes I know that money is a huge issue but you have to realize that no matter what, you will be okay.
Posted by Elisabeth on December 28, 2011 at 11:46 pm | permalink |
a brilliant 63-year-old comedy writer wrote about life in a very smart, enjoyable, no-holds-barred blog called "say it ain't so, joe!" his december 23rd post is titled, "if this were your last day alive, what would you do?" and included lists of "things i regret" and "things i am proud of" — a list that included his two sons. here it is, if you're interested: http://qualityshows.wordpress.com/2011/12/23/if-this-were-y0ur-last-day-alive-what-would-you-do/#comments
he was found dead by his own hand in an LA hotel room three days after he wrote that post.
i don't think i need to explain my reason for telling you about joe.
i haven't read all of the responses to your post, but they're probably all right and true, every one of them, from the guy who said you had a nice ass, to the woman who called the cops on your husband.
thing is, you KNOW what you need to do, you WANT to do it, and this blog is the easiest way for you to get agreement on what you must do.
okay, honey, you have it: scoop up your little guys and fly to that which you know works for you. go to a place where find a way to love yourself as much as you love your boys, and do it before it's too late.
Posted by zan on December 28, 2011 at 11:51 pm | permalink |
…i meant, go to a place where you can find a way to love yourself as much as you love your boys…
…but you knew that. still, it bears repeating.
Posted by zan on December 29, 2011 at 12:25 am | permalink |
You need help.
Posted by Sharon on December 28, 2011 at 11:54 pm | permalink |
I left a violent man a few years ago. I am only now finding my way out of the twisted and unhealthy mental space I'd begun to inhabit. A lot of what you say sounds very familiar.
But I think, Penelope, if I were in that relationship now, you would have a lot of power to do good in my life. I think that if through reading your blog I watched you struggle as you have struggled, and then if I could watch you leave the farmer, it would give me a huge boost in finding the strength to make my own decision to leave my ex.
Who knows how many abused women are reading your blog right now. What's better than being missed is saving lives, which is what you would be doing if you let us watch you find the strength to leave a bad situation.
So many of us care about you and respect you. And yes, we miss you when you don't write. You are important to so many people through this blog, and, speaking for myself, you have helped me in many ways. I think you can feel good about helping more people in really important ways by modeling the kind of difficult, painful, smart choices that someone suffering physical abuse needs to make. You're in a unique position, with your willingness to be open and with the popularity of this blog. You can do so much good right now, by letting us watch you leave him, and telling us about it.
You are a strong person. Once you leave, you might be sad, but you'll make it through to the other side, start a new life again, and things will eventually get better for you. And you will have saved a lot of women from a lot more bruises, and maybe saved some lives.
Thank you.
Posted by inomhe on December 28, 2011 at 11:56 pm | permalink |
Value yourself and love yourself first.
Posted by Utility Warehouse on December 28, 2011 at 11:59 pm | permalink |
I smell "drama queen" here.
You're not dying; if you were, you'd be in a hospital.
Sorry Pen, I care about you, but – at the same time – something doesn't quite fit.
What I'll write it's not meant as a criticism, but as questions for you to ponder.
I think you really need to question yourself and your motives – blaming the Farmer or finding some "quick fix" is not going to solve your issues underneath.
The naked picture, the fact that you stay in the farm, the way you talk about this… it seems you strongly need to get attention.
- Is this a way of getting "love"?
- Is nagging the farmer a way to get his attention – and thus his love?
- Maybe even the beatings are, for you, better than indifference?
Why aren't you leaving the farm? You and the Farmer aren't a good fit, that's obvious. And this is not even about the beatings (even if violence is something serious): both of you look unhappy together.
- Are you afraid of loneliness?
- Are you afrad of "failure"? Is another broken marriage kind of an embarassing failure to you?
- Are you afraid you won't ever find someone able to love you? Hence, stay in the farm is the lesser of evil?
Maybe this has to do with your family trauma/rejection more than it seems. Maybe with the Farmer you are re-enacting the same old wound: he's pushing you away, and you try and try again to be accepted and loved by him. You hope you will change "enough" to make him love you. Except, it doesn't happen, like it didn't happen with your family.
You can't change the past, and reliving it is no way to change it; it's just messing with your wound again and again.
- Why are you nagging the Farmer? (to the point to make him violent)
- Is your constant need to talk a way to communicate, or to "vent" some overwhelming inner pressure?
- Is your talking a way to feel – again – loved? ("If he listens to me, I'll feel appreciated / accepted / loved")
- Can you come to term with the possibility that the Farmer won't ever love you anymore? How does it make you feel? What next?
- Can you accept the fact that some people won't ever love you? And that not because you aren't worthy of love, but because some people aren't a good fit.
Above all, I think you really need the help of a good therapist. Without a good awareness of your issues, even leaving the Farmer is no real solution; you would recreate a similar situation sooner or later. There seem so much going on inside you, and it's not going to fix it by itself.
The problem is not him, it's you; not in the sense you are to blame, but in the sense of responsibility: you're creating the situation, it's you who can going out of it.
In the meantime, I think staying away from the farm is the best option. Not only to stop the violence, but because in the farm there's lots of friction and conflicts, so you'd be even more confused. And you need – instead – some peace and calm to make your thinking clear.
Lastly, you have to face the possibility that your marriage – and the life in the farm – has come to an end. No need to hurry out, but think about it. Don't look at it as a failure, but as a part of your life with good times and good learning.
I know you were really betting on it; but denial won't help anybody.
Oh, one more thing: you're not a bad person. I think you're a good person, with lots of good qualities. But you also have some serious issues, that wrecks your relationships; but the issues are not you, they are something you can get rid off.
You're like a beautiful painting with a stained glass; you need some good "cleaning", but the painting behind the spots is worth it.
Take care, and consider yourself hugged. XXXX
"Truth will set you free."
(Jesus)
Posted by Valter on December 29, 2011 at 12:04 am | permalink |
Such a good comment, Valter.
Posted by ADoodle on December 29, 2011 at 12:33 am | permalink |
You are a good person to have written this response…Thank You Very Much! By the looks of all of the comments many people care for Penelope and The Farmer…and some see through the carefully crafted Show and Drama to gain support for the ultimate Heroine "Penelope"
Penelope…see a Psychologist not a therapist(they are bullshit)….The Farmer has shown his love an devotion to Penelope for a long time(read the blog) and it seems that Penelope may be pushing away the best love of her life.
Posted by stopthebullshit on December 29, 2011 at 9:41 pm | permalink |
Wow, I don't know what's more disturbing, the picture (and the context therein), or the story. Thank you for being so open, but I do want to turn away…then again, I want to crack a bat over the Farmer's head…anyhow, get away, get time to think, and you'll find the answer is..to move away.
Posted by Pete Vazquez on December 29, 2011 at 12:08 am | permalink |
You promised that you would leave for 30 days. Give yourself that much time away from the farm and the Farmer.
I'm not sure about Jo-Jo's idea of calling the local police, but the police are getting involved, just as they did during your childhood. Do you want your kids to grow up and think that it's normal to have the police coming by the house when there are domestic disturbances?
Posted by CL on December 29, 2011 at 12:21 am | permalink |
It is not a bad thing for the police to be involved in domestic disturbances. It is a bad thing that domestic disturbances are going on AT ALL.
Children are not scarred because police come by. Children are harmed when people do nothing.
Posted by Deanna on December 29, 2011 at 12:29 am | permalink |
It *is* normal to have the police involved when there is domestic violence. Do not mistake "violence" for dispute.
Posted by Elise on December 29, 2011 at 8:23 am | permalink |
I wish you and I were still in touch so we could talk. You need serious help. You push away anyone that ever starts to care about you. Your neighbors, the boys in the goat business, Kelli, Kerri. Everyone who really wanted to be your friend, some how we are no longer included. I miss the boys and talking with you. Call sometime
Posted by Momma Kack on December 29, 2011 at 12:28 am | permalink |
No. You call *her*.
Posted by Another Andrea on December 29, 2011 at 10:06 pm | permalink |
I will try. My 18 year old son came home late last night worked up over 2 police cars heading up our dead end road. Your right people, it is a worry for all! We have lived next to the farmer for 10 plus years. He is a good guy! Not sure if it is the mix of the two, but they always say it takes 2 to fight!
Posted by Momma Kack on December 30, 2011 at 1:12 am | permalink |
From everything you've written it sounds like you've been in therapy for a good chunk of your life (since you were 5, you wrote). So mostly I'm just sad that it hasn't helped you enough to break free of the things holding you back. But if you really want off the drama/abuse train, I believe you'll find a way. And we'll still read your blog when it becomes drama-free bruise-free butt-free, I promise.
Posted by ADoodle on December 29, 2011 at 12:29 am | permalink |
My advice is to the Farmer… If Penelope is unable to leave then you need to get out now, before you do something even more regrettable than what this post describes. I'm not judging either of you. A bad situation is a bad situation and this one just may have gone too far.
Posted by Nathan on December 29, 2011 at 12:37 am | permalink |
You've made a lot of major life decisions like homeschooling based on the research, so have you looked at the numbers for people in your situation? Here's a couple to get you started:
http://dso.uncc.edu/women/TBN_Web/stats.html
The level of injury resulting from domestic violence is severe: of 218 women presenting at a metropolitan emergency department with injuries due to domestic violence, 28% required admission to the hospital, 13% required major treatment. 40% had previously required medical care for abuse.
42% of murdered women are killed by their intimate male partners. 4,000 women are killed each year because of domestic violence.
Domestic violence is repetitive in nature: about I in 5 women victimized by their spouse or ex-spouse reported that they had been a victim of a series of at least 3 assaults in the last 6 months.
An estimated 70% of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children. In homes where spousal abuse occurs, children are abused at a rate 1500% higher than the national average.
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&ved=0CDAQFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apa.org%2Fpi%2Fwomen%2Fprograms%2Fviolence%2Fpartner-violence.pdf&ei=1Aj8Tp-KDY_YiALCwLm2Dg&usg=AFQjCNEZbdgQ-re6nkuTSpwRpbqGfxtO1g&sig2=1Ge9pGAHtmeGnLc9aIX4cg
Children who are exposed to relationship violence are frequently traumatized themselves. At minimum, exposure to this kind of violence is itself a form of psychological maltreatment. For example, some have suggested that a great preponderance of PTSD or PTSD symptoms are exhibited by children who are exposed to violence in their own home (Lehmann, 1997; Terr, 1991). Even more serious is the suggestion that when boys are exposed to relationship violence as children they are more likely to abuse their partners as adults (Hotaling & Sugarman, 1986; Kalmuss, 1984; Sudermann & Jaffe, 1999).
If you can't rationalize it emotionally, I hope you'll consider the data: leave now, before it gets worse. Please.
Posted by S.K. on December 29, 2011 at 12:39 am | permalink |
Scarlett Johansson Leaked Pics Prompt Question: Why Do So Many Women Take Strange Candid Shots of Themselves?
What I Learned From The Naked Career Advisor. Career Help in the Nude? Nice Try.
Unfortunately, leaked nude Scarlett Johansson photo week continues in the news. As such, I'd like to ponder another question raised by this whole mess. Why do so many women take strange candid photographs of themselves?
I mean, the leaked pics of Scarlett Johansson appear to be something she just took with her cell phone on her own. They don't really appear to be the sort of thing that she was prepping to send to a boyfriend/girlfriend or such. I don't know that for sure, but these look like random candid shots she just took for herself. Admittedly one might ask why she was naked if so, but we won't get too far into that since we don't have Scarlett Johansson's mind here to examine.
The reason I say that these look like the sort of photos she took for herself is the fact that this isn't the first time we've run into this phenomenon. By looking through the social websites of shared photos from someone else's web site, we find that a number of the women over the years have a habit of taking photographs of themselves for no particular reason.
At least, as far as I can tell these pictures have no purpose. Oftentimes these pictures are not of a place and/or time that the woman taking the picture wants to remember. Not a vacation, not an event of note, nothing. They do not appear to particularly be portraits and the often do not appear particularly carefully photographed. They just appear to be random candid photos, like these women want to see what they looked like wandering around during the day and just didn't bother to delete the pics.
I have very few photographs of myself and those that exist were usually taken by someone else. I do not recall ever having held a camera and taken a picture of myself for no reason.
Regardless, since I've only encountered women engaging in this behavior we'll stick with that. And so, why the hell do these women do this? I asked my wife and she replied that it was just something that women do. Is that accurate? Is that even an answer?
(Sounds suspiciously like "It's a Jersey thing" to me.) Do all women really do this? If so, why? Apparently even Scarlett Johansson does this.
Frankly, I'm puzzled. Anyone have any insight on this? I'd like more of an explanation than what I have received. I doubt I'll get a satisfactory explanation, but I'd certainly like one.
Career Advice Help in the Nude? Nice Try.
There's a woman who is conducting so-called "Career Advice" or "World's Most Influential Guidance Counselor" blog sessions in the nude and no one is asking the most important question. Why? And I don't mean the "Why?" that is getting the answer "Because it helps people open up and talk more openly about their feelings."
I mean, "Why does she feel the need to bare all while she writes to professionals and call it Career Advice or Guidance Counseling?"
This reminds me of the woman named Sarah White who is conducting so-called therapy sessions in the nude. How does body language factor in? Crossed legs? Open? Any non-verbal communications expert will tell you that crossing is a no-no. So, um….
Respectfully submitted,
Barbara
Posted by Barbara on December 29, 2011 at 12:42 am | permalink |
I'm guessing the picture is a combination of two thoughts:
- I'll take a picture of my bruise. No, that's too pathetic. I have to make it sexy, so that I'm posting it with a smile.
- I have a picture of myself bruised. Now, how to crop it so that it's artistic and interesting?
Posted by MichaelG on December 29, 2011 at 3:35 am | permalink |
It is shocking to me that people are more horrified by slight nudity than domestic violence.
Posted by Concerned on December 29, 2011 at 10:31 am | permalink |
As a child of abuse, I know how terribly hard it is to even think of leaving an abusive relationship. Even if you believe that you somehow deserve this treatment, I'm sure your heart knows that your children do not. You children do not deserve to live in a house with a violent man. They deserve the security of knowing their mom is safe. They deserve the love and emotional well-being that you didn't have as a child. Don't let anyone take that away from your kids. If not for you, leave for them.
Posted by webermom on December 29, 2011 at 12:48 am | permalink |
Penelope, the thought has occurred to me while everyone gives you the advice to leave for the sake of the boys that you may actually believe you are staying for the sake of the boys. I sense this may be at the crux of the tug of war in your soul over this. You have mentioned many times how much they enjoy the farm life, and how they have thrived, and learned many new things they would not have learned otherwise. Although the farmer has this horrible dark side, there are aspects of him, namely his farming knowledge and willingness to be involved in teaching them, that have been beneficial. I sense that perhaps you are weighing in your mind what is the lesser of two evils. You can stay and endure the abuse while giving your boys the continued exposure to farm life and positive aspects of the farmer. Or, you can leave and [temporarily I might add] break their hearts in losing the farm life and all it entails but also permanently remove their exposure to an abusive male role model.
Yes, he is teaching them all about pigs and crops but what else is he teaching them?
I believe in your heart you know the right answer to this quandary. The answer to most of our dilemmas in life is simply a difficult decision waiting to be made.
This is far beyond being just about vulnerability or a lack thereof, or money or even about you and the farmer. I truly believe you don't want to break the boys' hearts. Many speak here in the comments about the children watching the abuse that goes on and beg you to leave for their sake. My guess is they have heard plenty of fighting however my hunch is also that they were not present in the bedroom when this occurred and you believe they may be shielded from what is the worst of this, so all things considered it may be best to stay for their sake, so they can be on the farm.
Penelope, please consider more than the temporal. There are other places that can be very positive, healthy, learning and growing experiences for the boys.
I'm praying for you. For peace, for courage, for wisdom.
With much love
Posted by Deanna on December 29, 2011 at 1:01 am | permalink |
Dear Penelope, I'm sorry you're hurt. Change is never easy to start, but once you've started the process, you're likely to appreciate its effects. In this, your, case there are some things you should start to accept:
- you need to take action or you need help doing so. You should probably get a coach, maybe it's called a life-coach, or a mentor or a caregiver, since your husband can not be that person. You probably should always have someone steady to turn to, maybe not even someone with expertise but someone who will be there for you no matter what you say. I'd you can't find someone right now to love you unconditionally – and now just doesn't seem like the right time to get into a new relationship – you should hire that person. If you can't send your children to school, hire a homeschooling teacher for you. You already have a job and it is too difficult to combine it with being a mother, a wife and your particular self. You already need more care for yourself than a regular person without any special challenges, your children need to be taken care of too. (so: get someone for you, get the children into a school or get them someone other than you to school them, at least for now);
- accept that getting help probably means you'll always need help for certain things. You did a lot of great things to get yourself into a more or less functional life before, you can't possibly be expected to do that all over again for yourself by yourselves AND for your boys who need more than regular care (you can't do everything yourself);
- though violence is never right, it apparently lies in human nature to turn to it. I'm not saying everyone does that, just that it happens so much, it must mean that most people in some way get their frustrations out through violence. Though you probably already knew that one day you'd get physically hurt again, it's not your fault. Let authorities deal with the violence or leave it at that the farmer is already outed as a person who turns to violence when he can't deal with emotions. You have guts to write and show and tell, now just don't stay stuck in that phase. Move on to the next. Quitting is not failure, it's a step towards having succeeded in finding the courage to change. Change the situation first, then maybe work on changing yourself, but as you say you are diagnosed with Asperger's you can't change all your ways. You can do this one thing for your your children: do what your parents didn't, so they won't have to start writing columns or blogs about it later. Start something more positive for them. Maybe they can write to you about their homeschooling. Maybe they or you can blog about that or some other subject one day. (who knows how talented they might be at that).
- I wonder how your blog posting works: is there no one telling you anything about what (the photo) or how not (the photo) to publish? For injuries: a tape measure or an object which anyone can guess how big it is (a pen, a hand, a toothpick) and a description of the body part and then just a photo of the bruise would do. I understand how you came to post this one, I just feel that you should have had someone (and not your child, I hope you've kept some of this private) help you.
Start by turning to someone who doesn't need anything from you, a friend who has been there for you before. And let go.
Posted by MPK on December 29, 2011 at 1:09 am | permalink |
I have just recently begun to read your blog,therefore have no history with what has gone on with you and "farmer".
I was sexually abused by my father, then raped at 23 by two men at gunpoint. I then spent many years in and out of abusive relationships. I understand your pain, I understand how difficult it is to move on. I even understand that your pain is so deep you would post that picture of yourself!
I also know that when the pain is enough you will take the action necessary to get yourself out, if you still can. I do not have children so thankfully I did not bring anyone along on that horrible, self-destructive ride. This is not meant to shame you, I repeat I understand the pain. I believe your post was a plea for help and I'm glad someone called the cops.
I was a smart, successful business woman, big house, all the toys…no one knew what went on behind closed doors. I do not believe that physical, mental, emotional abuse is your fault. I do believe that you engage in some way.
It took me years of therapy to break the cycle. I broke the cycle! You can break the cycle! You are worth it!
Posted by unicabaker on December 29, 2011 at 1:22 am | permalink |
Get out. Now.
Posted by Doug on December 29, 2011 at 1:41 am | permalink |
Hi There,
I have read your posts for a long time and this one really made me sad and a little scared for you…. I am a marriage and family therapist, I have an adult son with aspergers syndrome and treat many others who struggle with it. It's very hard for me to tell how much of this vulnerability for abuse is aspergers related and how much is something else, but I really want to encourage you to get some help for yourself. you need someone you trust to help you navigate through relationships and fill in the pieces that you can't fill in due to the way you thing about and see things. It's not your fault that you are in this situation, but it is your responsibility to find the help to get you out.. mostly because you have children… They will be traumatized seeing you being abused and that itself IS considered emotional abuse. You deserve to feel safe in your home, with your partner…. what is the point otherwise. I know you are afraid of being alone, or not finding love maybe, but this isn't love…. it's unhealthy dependence. Maybe Alanon meetings would help you if you can't find a therapist. Have you ever had a therapist who was very familiar with asperger syndrome?
regarding the relationship .. obviously there is some need being met there than overrides your need to be safe and valued. Do you know what that is?
My heart goes out to you… I can tell how much you are suffering. Will you get some help?
Posted by gwen on December 29, 2011 at 2:10 am | permalink |
hummmm…first Penelope…when you aren't writing you are missed… X 62,000 X some factor of sharing which adds up to…come on girl…a lot of people are listening and want to read moreâ¦.when you are not writing, you are missed out here.
and…well…three things
1) clearly, Penelope you are a challenge for this world and those that live in it, including yourself
2) you have two boys that are your number 2 and 3 priority… so do the right thing by them….for number 1 too…you. But remember, you aren't quitting a job here. This is a difference game, different blog post, and "quitting" isn't the right word here. It's "leave".
3) the farmer, stop…he needs to read #1 and if the challenge is too great….then read #2…and help Penelope do the right thing. And again, I'm not talking about quitting.
Don't take this the wrong way… I do care… but I'd rather not see that photo and read about "quitting".
Blessings on you and your New Year!
Posted by David on December 29, 2011 at 2:11 am | permalink |
You are so much better than the Farmer. I know if you were sitting in front of me I could convince you of that. Call me if come to LA. I'm serious.
Posted by Kathryn C on December 29, 2011 at 2:17 am | permalink |
A good mother is the one who protects her kids from abusive environments ,not a mother who keeps her kids in the house and homeschools them .You are becoming your abusive parents and it's a sad vicious circle
Posted by maria on December 29, 2011 at 2:24 am | permalink |
That photo reminds me of one of my favorite posts of yours.
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/01/06/high-income-women-get-more-oral-sex-maybe/
Posted by Craig on December 29, 2011 at 2:28 am | permalink |
My first thought: what if everyone who's been put in this situation posted pictures for all the world to see? And the answer is: the woman would still always be to blame, and instead of being disgusted by the man, people would sympathize with how hard she must have been on him to get pushed that far.
My second thought: isn't sad to see how many people unabashedly berate the victim in 2011? It's not enough that you already blame yourself, or that you understand how your past has led you to exactly where you are. My theory is that the people who are self-reflective enough to examine their weaknesses are at least evolved enough to take responsibility for their role in things, unlike the holier than thou.
Whatever we believe we're worth, deep down at our core, is what will be reflected back to us in the way people treat us. I have yet to figure out how to acquire self-worth, so I just don't get into relationships (probably also because I don't believe I'm worthy of one … see how this works?)
Not many people know the gaping hole inside of feeling all alone in the world to deal with this, when all the options suck. None of us can escape the responsibility of making these decisions on our own.
Wanting to be missed; I can relate to that. Before I was even out the door I found personals ads and "adultfriendfinder" postings from my partner of 7 years, and he was out at the bar the very weekend I left. It was like I never mattered at all. That was 8 years ago and I'm still screwed up from how shitty that relationship made me feel about myself. Even though HE abused ME, it was all still somehow my fault. I wanted him to understand the damage he did to me. He never will.
It's kind of sickening that, no matter how bad it gets, the fantasy prevails that the person will somehow change and rescue us from how horrible we feel, or be capable of meeting our needs. In reality, we only prolong the process of forcing ourselves to move on.
Posted by downfromtheledge on December 29, 2011 at 2:41 am | permalink |
Penelope, I first heard of DBT when you wrote about it for yourself. I have looked into it just a little bit for myself via various websites, but find that just a couple of pointers towards radical acceptance can do wonders in helping me to navigate a situation.
You need to accept that things will not change and you will not receive the love that you need and want in this situation. There is no need to blame yourself for being in this situation. Gwen, above, is correct in that Aspies are vulnerable, but you do need to protect both of your sons.
As others have stated, you are phenomenal at reading others' situations. Just not your own. If you need more data than previous posters' DV stats, I remember reading about how exposure to violence changes the wiring of a child's brain. And it is not for the better.
I am so very, very sad for you all right now. Please just revisit DBT, either on your own or through the phone consults of the therapist you had mentioned.
Please try to see things as they are and not as you want them to be or believe that they should or could be.
Hoping for the very best for you and the boys.
Posted by DBT on December 29, 2011 at 3:15 am | permalink |
Penelope,
Take care of yourself and your sons. You're figure out how, and why, if only you let yourself. While you do this, I suggest (like a number of other commentators) that you put some physical and mental distance between you and the Farmer.
I have no personal experience of domestic violence, but what I've learned from reading about the struggles of others is that logic stops being logical and optimistic perceptions of what you can do to change things within the relationship are most often not based in reality.
Best wishes,
Aggie
Posted by Agnese on December 29, 2011 at 3:17 am | permalink |
You matter.
Posted by Helene K on December 29, 2011 at 3:21 am | permalink |
This does not seem like a match made in Heaven — it never did.
I see him as a loner who wanted some excitement in his life and got more than he could handle.
I see you as a dreamer who thought she could change her whole life and find some peace and stability by living on a farm. But it's not for you.
You need work challenges to feel you are accomplishing anything in life. By doing nothing but be wife and mother, you are relying totally on your social skills, which are your weakest area.
You are still young enough to start over, and the two of you don't really have much of a relationship to save.
I know you hate being rejected and feeling like you failed at this. But it's time to cut your losses and move on.
The farmer should also know this is over and just end it. You make it sound like he's asked you to leave many times. Maybe he really means it this time?
Posted by MichaelG on December 29, 2011 at 3:26 am | permalink |
For someone who is obviously very smart, intelligent, capable and independent I don't get why you are playing the victim here, it doesnt even seem like a loving relationship that sometimes goes a bit violent, it just seems that you are unhappy and making really weird and wrong decisions.
If you go back you are just being too weird.
Time to step up and be the strong woman you know you are, start respecting your body and your mental health and the environment of your children.
You have many blessings to count, start focusing on the good you have, on what makes you happy and what you want your life to be like.
Time for change… and perfect timing, as the new year is right around the corner…
Make 2012 a year you are proud of.
Posted by Julz on December 29, 2011 at 3:49 am | permalink |
Penelope,
I love your writing and provocative ideas, so thank you for the contribution you make. I don't know you, even though I feel like I do from reading about your life. I'm not going to join the advice givers or, worse, the haters. That all seems pointless, and I'm sure you've heard it all. You'll do what we all do (if we're being honest) which is take action when you're good and ready. The hotel is part of that I guess.
Like all of us you're intensely rational about some things (public education is ineffective, I'll homeschool! College is expensive and doesn't necessarily get you where you want to go, get your parents to buy you a company instead!) but incredibly irrational about other things. Wanting to be loved and missed is something lots of us get. Many of us crave it. The nasties are calling you names for it, but the real description is just human. It's an utterly human desire and yearning. Humans also have an enormous capacity to make strong and difficult decisions despite that kind of yearning. I hope that's something you're able to do soon.
All the very best in everything,
Carolyn
Posted by carolyn on December 29, 2011 at 3:51 am | permalink |
Don't EVER go back! Don't have anything more to do with this man! Abusers always have 20 good reasons why they have to abuse you. It's HIS problem NOT yours!
Love and hugs
Posted by Richmonde on December 29, 2011 at 3:56 am | permalink |
Penelope, If you're reading this:
You have one life and deserve happiness.
Start by taking that picture down ASAP. Or at least crop it. You're emotional at the mo and I worry you will regret it.
Have you read "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert? I really think it would give you a new perspective.
People lash out in different ways and you really need to ask yourself if you're being emotionally abused as well? Are these two occasions isolated incidents or is there a pattern? There's no point in long-drawn out therapy- it's just a crutch…no one can help you figure out what you want.
Stay safe and strong. This too will pass.
Posted by Dryad on December 29, 2011 at 4:09 am | permalink |
Maybe look at this new start up of Penelope, and see where it goes? You two are a bad fit together, but that's hard to admit from inside. (Been there.) If nothing changes, this will continue, and it's bad for you and it's bad for the Farmer and it's bad for your kids. It's better for the kids for you to escape, because they cannot do anything to fix things, which makes them ache.
It's not failure, it's an attempt that didn't work — you've done that in start-ups, yes?
(May 2012 be the start of new and wonderful things for you all.)
Posted by Gwyneth on December 29, 2011 at 4:09 am | permalink |
Those of us who have been following you were waiting for the next shoe to drop when you did not take action in leaving the last time the The Farmer hurt you a month ago or so…
So of course I think about you often as have known so many woman who cannot detach from the sex, from the electricity, from the Love, the need, the turn on a abuser gives them.
You have all this biological stuff going on with the TWISTED emotional world he plays on you all the time of the push and pull ~ Making you dependent feeding into the ideologies you shared with him of wanting this perfect normal life of home and family on natural farm etc !
That you are not pressing charges , nor do you leave says to me you do not want to give up on the FANTASY the Farmer offers You ~
Again biological stuff is driving this not your brain at all and is WHY there are domestic violence shelters in every town in USA now..
As the strongest need in DV is to get out of that person's life period pronto as we all know the farmer has zero self control and Yes this escalation is real… Especially when you try to leave… He will be all sweetness and honey… The honeymoon period to lure you and keep you attached to him wanting to protect the person hurting you as after all it is Your fault… For sure that is drilled into you in your personal life continually.
Bottom Line your boys do not stand a chance at all.. They are in overdrive acting the parts they are suppose to as playing dead living in fear is the only survival mechanism they have… You put your kids in a box in that they must conform to Your Hell..
Except your boys are not You… They do not have the resilience You have built up. Eventually as they get older their autism will grow into deeper difficulties they do not deserve..
I Just went through 6 yrs of watching and working to help a woman friend who got into a situation with a man after her divorce from the father of her children as her husband could not give her the love she needed..
This creep who came into her life told her all she wanted to hear.. sex was the driving force and seduction.. Sales job he did constantly on her… All of us around her kept trying to alert her to the fact he was not just draining her but her kids too…
And it escalates..and keeps getting worse not better no matter how many excuses or thoughts of being positive she could muster… Even when her one son was obviously suicidal and everyone saying this creep was the cause she could not leave the abuser…
The Tragedy of gorgeous young man having to put a gun to his head on his 22 birthday in order to WAKE his mother up is NOT something you need in Your Life Penelope.. but you are laying the tracks for it each day you stay with the farmer fulfilling some fantasy of getting the Love acceptance your parents did not give you..
Yet as every comment here has said.. No Way Can the Farmer give You what you are wanting.. His behaviors have shown ~ He is NOT capable of the white house with picket fence life at all.. He is NOT capable of loving anyone as he does not love himself.
Not one tiny bit of any of this is your fault. You just have had the unfortunate circumstances of being around people who do NOT have your gifts, your intelligence, your superior understanding of life and how it works…
Please accept there is no way you can educate the farmer, your parents, your exhusband, and anyone else that will say.. Penelope you are different.. Please conform be and simple and stupid like me… You need medication so you can live in fear like me rather then being so brazen with your soul and humanness !
Please dump and remove all these people from life at once ! They will keep sucking the life from you.. No they will NOT miss you at all as they are abusers who go for " Targets".
Once you remove yourself from the firing range.. They will find another " target" to replace you as these people cannot Love or feel anything… They can only victimize for control.
All your attachment to the farmer, your parents and who ever else abuses you is in your mind only.. It is your imagination and fantasy of what should be… Your idealoglogy of how things should be…
Posted by casrose on December 29, 2011 at 4:13 am | permalink |
Maybe read this:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-foundation-of-love-releasing-judgments-and-expectations/
If you stand in a different place then things may look different. (Wishing you the best.)
Posted by Gwyneth on December 29, 2011 at 4:16 am | permalink |
Penelope,
Don't abandon yourself by staying there.
Leave. Get out. Start a new life.
Posted by Rainer on December 29, 2011 at 5:04 am | permalink |
You mentioned that "no one cares." and you may be right. I am sure you will get hundred of comments offering support and advice but if they really cared they would go and get you out of the farm. However, who has the ultimate responsibility over your own life? Nobody should care except you. It is your life. You are not a child. It would be nice if people cared, but the truth is that nobody cares enough about other people's lives.
Check your self-esteem. Allowing some to hit you because somehow that shows "attention" and "care" is ridiculous.
Just like you mentioned in your book that you immediately fired your consultant when he said you were not assertive enough, I think you know what to do in this situation.
You are an adult!
You know what they say, "First time: shame on you. Second time or any time after that: shame on me"
Work can be a safety net and provide meaning in our lives and probably the reason why workaholics find refuge being only at work.
Posted by JF on December 29, 2011 at 5:21 am | permalink |
Dear Penelope
This is the first comment I have ever written on your blog.
Please leave and get yourself some help.
There is a fair bit of faulty thinking in your post, which isn't something I've noticed before. You need to speak to a properly qualified professional.
Focus on taking care of yourself and your children.
Posted by JuliaK on December 29, 2011 at 5:35 am | permalink |
I've read (and enjoyed) your blog for years but have never commented until now… I don't have wise words or a similar experience to share and I can't even pretend to understand how you're feeling. But, for whatever reason, on reading this post I immediately thought of Eve Ensler's fantastic TED talk on finding happiness in body and soul (http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_on_happiness_in_body_and_soul.html). Maybe you've seen it already, maybe you liked it, maybe not… but I think her closing words are incredibly powerful…
"…when we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us…. happiness exists in action; it exists in telling the truth and saying what your truth is; and it exists in giving away what you want the most."
Posted by Clare on December 29, 2011 at 5:38 am | permalink |
The bruise should be in the centre of the
photo ,not your naked ass!!!
This photo is INSULTING to the readers !
Posted by maria on December 29, 2011 at 5:38 am | permalink |
You have read the picture differently than I did.
The center of the picture is the opening that she has created herself. At the moment it leads to a closed door. However, the door does not fit well; there is a crack and it shows there is sunlight in the space beyond.
Posted by Elise on December 29, 2011 at 8:35 am | permalink |
Penelope, in your post you made a valiant effort to NOT malign the Farmer. You attempted to present his perspective. I so understand that effort. You don't want us, your readers, nor your sons, nor yourself to believe the Farmer is the bad guy. You aren't leaving because he is the bad guy. You are leaving because some chemistry, some combination of circumstances and personalities, is just not working. You know it is not working because violence towards you has happened on several occasions.
Just like the 12-step programs say, "It is the drugs or alcohol talking," not the abuser. In this case, it is not the Farmer whom you have loved, talking/shoving, it is the Farmer's rage that is out of control. Or it is some element in the Farmer's background that we cannot understand nor name, that is talking/shoving/intolerant.
But that is not the most important issue. The most important issue is your safety.
The 2nd most important issue is your sons and what they see/perceive as normal in a family. You may say that the Farmer has never/would never be violent towards the boys, but you don't know that for sure.
So, that means that the boys are living with the possibility that violence could possibly descend upon them, too. What if one of them talked too much???!!!
You don't leave home because it is so bad there. You leave home because you are ready and because you have something (a plan) in mind. Mostly, we do this when we become young adults. That route was closed to you at that time. It was taken out of your hands because you were taken out of your parents' home. You did not choose it. It was decided for you. Now, however, it IS time for YOU to be proactive and decide for yourself that it is time–you are ready and you have something to go to.
Use your fertile imagination. Take the elements that were good that were available to you at the farm and start-up elsewhere.
But a hobby farm, get some goats and start your goat business on your own. Continue to homeschool if you want to. Live in an older farm house with a great farm kitchen.
In my neighborhood, a very well-known writer lives in a farm house: Jane Hamilton. Across the road from the apple orchards, which is her family business. Jane is an activist in the community . . .
In my town, there is an outstanding special ed classroom, where a kid with autism can thrive. My kid spent 4 years in that classroom–that is how well he was thriving there. I tell you this so that you know there are options for good schooling, in case you do not choose to or cannot continue to homeschool.
Clearly, part of your plan is to forgive the Farmer and keep on loving him on some level. But, Penelope, love yourself at least as much, and protect yourself so that you can regain joy and resilience.
You are coming of age right now. You are standing up for yourself. You are taking your boys with you to a healthier place . . .
Posted by chris on December 29, 2011 at 5:42 am | permalink |
Dear Penelope,
http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/12/dear-penelope/
Posted by James Altucher on December 29, 2011 at 5:54 am | permalink |
The question isn't "should you leave." Everyone has their opinions.
The question is "Are you ready to be with someone who accepts you, as you are, flaws and everything else? Are you ready to accept someone who accepts you for who you are?"
If you're ready to stop trying so hard and start living, forgive yourself. Forgive others. Move on with your life with an open heart and let someone in who accepts you and loves everything about you and all your flaws. Accept them and their flaws. It exists. You just have to believe it.
First is self-acceptance. You have to be open to being with someone who is just like you.
Posted by ReportingLife on December 29, 2011 at 5:54 am | permalink |
It was interesting to see someone called the police. I looked up the CPS office nearest Darlington, but changed my mind, unsure if that action would be best suited to protect the kids and you. Someone calling the police though, was something that needed to be done. I hope if there is a next time you are the one that protects yourself and values yourself enough to make the call, rather than an internet stranger.
This is terrible for your kids. You don't deserve this. And the kids' dad, whom I sure is aware of your blog, must be considering whether your home with farmer is the best place for his kids. If you let this linger and don't take action, those around you will take actions and I am not sure the results will be what you would hope. If farmer is violent and you can't protect yourself, you can't protect them. How long before one of your boys tries to step in to protect you and gets hurt? How long before they learn that Farmer's behavior is the way to act in a relationship?Your love for your kids is obvious in your writing, but you are not doing a good job of protecting them or teaching them right now.
Posted by JMDM on December 29, 2011 at 6:00 am | permalink |
P..I've commented here a few times, always with the thought that someone may find experience useful, that may be day dreaming.
Why did you use that pose in the pic? There are lots of ways to illustrate the bruise without that pose. Think about it. Yep you can be difficult to live with, no reason to hit, did you hit him too? Just wondering.
You aren't the main show at the moment, the kids are, let their dad take care of them awhile and get your situation in order.
Posted by Carl on December 29, 2011 at 6:01 am | permalink |
Penelope
I love what you write and how you think
I also think that makes your life a struggle. Sometimes struggles are good.
In this case, violence shows that this particular struggle is not. Your therapist seems to have it right, to which I would add what I have been told: "Love is what we most want and yet most fear getting"
Good luck!
Steven
Posted by Steven Branson on December 29, 2011 at 6:04 am | permalink |
You got it. It's fear of acceptance.
People fear true love because it means finding someone who accepts you as you are, yet we're all trying to change and be better people.
A parent's love for a child is not the love we should seek as adults. Parents are always trying to make their kids fit their own vision of being better. That's not true acceptance. That's not true love. That's parental love.
Penelope has to stop fearing finding and being with someone who is just like her, accept herself and her flaws, and then accept someone else without judging them for loving her.
Posted by ReportingLife on December 29, 2011 at 6:32 am | permalink |
The issues for the violence between the two of you are probably complicated. It is probably hard living with a woman with Aspergers. It is hard living with a person so frustrated that he resorts to physical violence. You probably love each other very much. Your kids love both of you. Your kids are upset and frightened of the future. Maybe you want to continue with "The Farmer," maybe you want to end it with The Farmer? Whatever you decide, you should think of your kids safety and stability first, yours second, and your happiness last. Take a break from one another for a few months and see what happens. Get some therapy or change therapists if the advice hasn't worked out. Quit being a victim and take charge of your personal life. Also, quit posting naked shots of your body on the web for dramatics, You are an adult, act like one for your kid's sake and yours. This is the time to act like an adult and not time to be dramatic. Your kids are watching and learning. Are you going to teach them to be victims or are you going to teach them to be strong? Good luck with your choices and life decisions.
Posted by Anthony on December 29, 2011 at 6:20 am | permalink |
Holy hell. Is that ever sad.
Posted by Beth on December 29, 2011 at 6:22 am | permalink |
I've followed your blog for a year now- I have a young son with ASP and wanted to get an idea of how he would feel as an adult- dealing with the world around him.
That aside- I was a child in an abusive household and no matter how your justifying that your children will be OK, that they're resilient- they're not.
This will follow them for the rest of their lives and no amount of therapy can take the place of what you do right now- which is leave this horrible relationship.
My mom is my hero. Against all odds including no education and no job- she got out and salvaged her life and that of her 6 daughters. You have the chance to be the responsible parent and use the brain I know you have to do the same.
My father killed himself about three years ago- a final act of violence against his ex wife and daughters. That's all the future this awful farmer person has- sadness and hate. Do you want to be a part of that?
Best of luck to you and your children.
Posted by mured92 on December 29, 2011 at 6:25 am | permalink |
God bless..
Posted by Ruy on December 29, 2011 at 6:26 am | permalink |
this post shouldn't be about you. it should be about your kids. about what you want them to learn, about what you want them to become.
instead you write about how you haven't been able to break the cycle. that's selfish, and you cannot afford to be THAT selfish: you have kids. that doesn't mean they are yours – that only means YOU ARE THEIRS.
so get the f**k up and start working on what you want them to be.
isn't that a good idea for your next startup? then start that up!
aren't you a career specialist? being a mum is much harder that being a career woman – can you handle it like a pro?
honestly, i love what you write, and i also find it easier to express myself when i write.
why don't you write to yourself on what kind of mum you want to be – and then write back to yourself with advise on a plan to make it happen?
remember: they are not yours; YOU ARE THEIRS!
Posted by lara on December 29, 2011 at 6:32 am | permalink |
Before you quit the farm and the farmer you should check this out: http://selfdiscoverytechniques.com/
Do a couple of workshops with Rob and Susan and they will help you break free from the drama you keep creating. Create your ideal deliberately. I'm serious it works. I know how you feel girl. Time to take action now. You got the power.
Posted by Xiomara on December 29, 2011 at 6:32 am | permalink |
P,
I'm not sure it matters who is to blame. As a guy, I will never understand physical violence against women so my gut tells me that the farmer is to blame for not walking away when he gets to the boiling point but this seems to be off-point. I am more concerned for your kids and the damage that the environment is doing to them. They certainly care about you and to see you hurt or being hurt is damaging to them. I think you need to remove yourself from the farmer and focus on your kids and not on yourself until they are out on their own. Then (years from now) you can change your focus onto your own relationship issues.
I watched my sister spend years pursuing guys that were either abusive to her or who she had to "mother" in some way but all along the way the two people who lost the most were her two girls who were raised in this bad environment. My sister passed away unexpectedly over a decade ago and her daughters have struggled mightily to try to "find" or "create" a family without really knowing what one looks/feels like. They will continue to struggle with abusive habits and relationships and the seeds were in planted in their childhood environment.
I would recommend putting your kids first and yourself second for a few years – make sure they are OK (start by separating yourself from the situation you are in) and then go back to focusing on yourself when they are out and on their own.
Posted by Dave on December 29, 2011 at 6:37 am | permalink |
I read what you wrote about the farmer:
"The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I'm impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can't get any peace and quiet in his own house. That's what he'd tell you.
And he'd tell you that I should be medicated."
I saw a therapist for a while, and we looked at the issue of responsibility. It's hard to change but I have made some progress, by acknowledging and trying to identify what I have responsibility for. One thing I do not have responsibility for is what other people do. My father was abusive and when I did (or did not) do something wrong he would shout at me and get incredibly terrifyingly angry at me. It took me a long time (I dunno, 50 years or so) to figure out that the anger was his; although it was directed at me, I was not responsible for it. He could have chosen to behave differently.
The effect on me was to moderate my behaviour so that I did not do things that made my father angry; as a result I prevented myself from doing lots of things I wanted to do and from becoming the person I wanted to be. Looking back on it I see now that it was for him probably a pretty successful way of his bending me to his will, and the really neat thing about it was that I did it to myself.
I emigrated to avoid dealing with it, but looking back I think that "dealing with it" was not an option. After all, his behaviour worked for him so why should he change it? The only option I had was to fix myself; which I have done. Sort of. It's not perfect, but I know sometimes people will get angry at me. Ca va; I have to live my life, not theirs.
Posted by Alanbelk on December 29, 2011 at 6:55 am | permalink |
drama queen. there are some women who could turn the most meek and gentle man in the world into a raving maniac. i don't know if this is the case here, but that is how you come across.
Posted by Rumour on December 29, 2011 at 7:02 am | permalink |
Do you think Therapy has advanced enough to help your kids when their mother is dead and their father is in prison?
Posted by Bill B on December 29, 2011 at 7:06 am | permalink |
Dearest Penelope, I saw your post after I logged into my computer and saw James Altucher had put up a post dedicated to you.
I wish I could hug you. I wish we knew eachother so I could do the things friends do for eachother during a terrible time, when people need to feel loved and cherished because someone else is hurting them. I wish I could impress upon you how much you matter. I know when we're devalued by someone else (especially when it's happened repeatedly), hearing anyone say anything nice feels like an external noise that doesn't really penetrate.
I wish I could tell you how important you are so that you'll take care of yourself the way you would urge one of us to if you saw we were suffering the way you are. I don't know anyone that can't use improvement in their relationship skills and it's good to think about improvement but it still doesn't mean you deserve to be hurt.
I want to share with you this video of a little girl doing a cover of a Lady Gaga song. It touched me because of the way she sings:
http://wavianarts.blogspot.com/2011/12/baby-you-were-born-this-way-lady-gaga.html
Sending you hugs of support and much love. Email me, how can I help?
I miss you.
Posted by Holly on December 29, 2011 at 7:25 am | permalink |
Do it for your boys. For no other reason. Be an example of bravery and strength and get out and move on. They are victims. Don't do to them what your parents have done to you.
Move on and serve as an example to all, men and women who are abused. Make something positive from this terrible experience and use your exposure for something truly good and meaningful.
Posted by Suzy McQ on December 29, 2011 at 7:33 am | permalink |
I understand what you mean about not quitting because you're afraid you won't be missed, but that's the kind of impulse you should have and then go "no this is ridiculous" and then talk about it in therapy. It doesn't matter what he thinks, all that matters is your health and your kids' health, both mental and physical.
You deserve better. I hope you can come to believe that.
Posted by Ivete on December 29, 2011 at 7:37 am | permalink |
My heart hurts when I see that such a bright, successful, and unusually insightful woman can be stuck in the same patterns that people get stuck in. The pattern continues with readers like me who say "leave!" without the burden feeling the things you feel.
It takes a Herculean effort to leave while feeling, but as with all you've accomplished in your life, you jump in and do it. This time, you have to. For your kids. For you.
Posted by J. P. on December 29, 2011 at 7:43 am | permalink |
Ask yourself if Therapy has advanced enough to help your children when their mother is dead and their father is in prison?
Posted by Bill B on December 29, 2011 at 7:46 am | permalink |
Okay – I admit I was distracted by your ass.. for a few seconds and then I remembered I love my wife and it is inappropriate for me to look. So I read the post. Darlin' – stay away from the Farmer. I must say that my wife has driven me to want to smack her, but I never have. It's called self control, respect, and being a real man. You do not ever hit a woman (unless she is coming at you rwith a knife, or gun, or something literally life-threatening.) My wife has thrown a few things at me, because I can dish out the crazy too… but I am fast. So, no blood.
And I won't hit her – another commitment.
That said, I am sure that when you google "crazy woman", among the pages and pages of results, my wife would be in the first few organic results, along with you. But to me, that is part of who she is, and I love all of her. I am committed to her and to our relationship, and so after 26 years, I miss her when she is not around me, most of the time
If the Farmer is retarded enough to hit you, more than once, and even allow you to think its your fault, he is not worth your spit. He is not a real man. He thinks he is, and he wants to be, but he isn't. If needed, I'll come up there and he can try to hit me… that would be entertaining for me (and probably you too.) Truthfully, he isn't worth the effort – he is a manipulative prick, and he isn't going to change. I am sorry, because I know that makes you sad. It will be tough to find a good man, but your kids deserve you and a life without violence more than they need a dad who hits mom. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids.
Keep writing. We all love you. Let me know if you are ever in Austin Texas. My wife and I would be happy to have you and your family over (less the Farmer.)
Posted by Danny T on December 29, 2011 at 7:48 am | permalink |
No one should stay in a relationship where there is physical or emotional violence. Get you to a women's shelter where you and your kids can get some emotional support and where you don't have to deal with things for a little bit. We all miss your posts and like you.
Posted by David Bley on December 29, 2011 at 7:48 am | permalink |
Leave, leave him now, for good. You are better than this, and no one deserves to be hit. Ever.
Posted by Christy on December 29, 2011 at 8:00 am | permalink |
So much rational advice, all wasted because 1) P already knows what you will say and 2) she lives her life irrationally. That's why she stands out. Her personal drama posts get ten times more comments than her career advice posts.
Posted by Brad on December 29, 2011 at 8:03 am | permalink |
He dumped you 50 times and you went back? I'd think after something like three times the phrase "he's just not that into you" would be worth listening to.
Posted by Pete on December 29, 2011 at 8:11 am | permalink |
Penelope,
All your readers miss you when you don't post. We'll miss you if you get your head bashed in if he shoves you so hard you fall and hit your head.
Please move out and don't look back. You deserve to be loved when you are around.
Posted by sarah on December 29, 2011 at 8:14 am | permalink |
forget the fact that many of course would miss you – most of all your kids – who cares if anyone misses you or not? YOU miss YOU! The you who deserves to live a great life, a great violence-free life.
Do what you need to do for YOU. Being missed…. whatever that means, is nothing compared to you being a happy you.
Posted by Anna on December 29, 2011 at 8:25 am | permalink |
i was telling a counselor once about these memories i had about my father. i remember my father saying inappropriate things about me and about my body. and the counselor's response was that her father never did things like that. i was surprised. even though i guess i know consciously that fathers shouldn't say sexually inappropriate things to their children. it was really surprising to hear that her father never said anything like that to her. and in fact, she couldn't even remember her father ever saying anything to her about how she looked except to say "hurry up, you look fine". i just say that to say, i have never been in a relationship with someone who hit me. i have a boyfriend of about 3 years who loves me, who gets incredibly frustrated by me sometimes, but who never ever hits me. and i never feel afraid that he's going to hit me. so i don't know if hearing that will have the same effect on you, as hearing that stuff from my counselor had on me. i hope so, because if not, this is a long comment, all for nothing. you should leave the farmer. there are relationships that you can be in with people who do not hit you.
Posted by stephanie on December 29, 2011 at 8:25 am | permalink |
Penelope, You can do it for the part of you that is still a child and always will be. Do it for her…..
Posted by Heather on December 29, 2011 at 8:28 am | permalink |
I have nothing to add about the violence. You know what needs to be done, and until your heart lets you do it, it won't happen. So I'm sending courage to your heart.
also, I wanted to make a suggestion. You could do your job anywhere, right? Why don't you scour the country for a school that has all the benefits of homeschooling–I know there are some–and move there, and put your kids in school for a while while you work on yourself? Self-directed learning and free play etc. can happen in the right school environment. And you can take time for yourself. Penelope, you need time for yourself, you really do. And I say all this as a homeschooler-to-be. I get it, I do, but you need to take care of yourself.
Posted by p on December 29, 2011 at 8:30 am | permalink |
"No. It's my fault. I deserve it. He's right. I'm impossible to live with." – Penelope, this statement is false. No one deserves violence. Other people are also irritating to live with but no one hits them. Leave. Now. Do not look back. You can do it, I did 15 years ago.
Posted by Laurie on December 29, 2011 at 8:33 am | permalink |
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER? WHERE IS YOUR EX-HUSBAND? They should be ripping you from this situation for the sake of your kids alone. They should be doing everything in their power to ensure those kids have a safe environment to live and prosper in, which clearly hasn't been the case for awhile. Shame on them.
Posted by Rebecca on December 29, 2011 at 8:33 am | permalink |
penelope . . . underneath all of the emotional heuristics of your past, there is a very straightforward path – facts and truths and choices . . . read this and please reach out if you feel like i can help: http://datinggod.typepad.com/datinggod/2011/12/psychic-tv.html . . . you're at a turning point . . . it's a powerful place to be that shows up as powerless, filled with a sense of futility . . . it's the hero
kate
s journey, when she's still deciding whether or not to take the leap . . . wishing you well, penelope . . . cheering you on from over here in the wilds of north carolina . . .
Posted by kate on December 29, 2011 at 8:35 am | permalink |
1. "Provocative Pose": Yeah, yeah. This is a form of work and income for you (and, let's face it, attention). I don't care. I'm an adult reading this and I would never let my kid read this, so who cares.
2. Abuse: You cannot change who you are at heart. You are going to keep saying crazy shit (obsessively and frequently). If you excuse the farmer for hitting you when you are annoying him…you're in for more of the same.
3. Writing: Yes, we miss you. Yes, we (the collective, anonymous we) are close to you. Even when you feel bad because you've been away, we know you'll be back to write – it's in your nature. That's one thing you should never worry about, even if you take a break. Real writers always have that drive even when it's uncomfortable.
Lots of advice here. YOU need to decide what you want to do. What do YOU want for yourself, your kids? If it were a new life, I'd be supportive. If it were counseling for the family, I'd be supportive. It would just be hard to see you repeat this pattern over and over.
If you want someone to miss you, know this: WE miss you. And I'm pretty sure there are some guys out there who'd love to be your obsessed stalker-fans, with poetry-laden emails and all.
Feel free to email if you want to talk.
Posted by Dawn F on December 29, 2011 at 8:40 am | permalink |
Penelope,
I'm a fairly new reader to your blog, so I do not know the details of your life as much as other readers may. But I do want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have so many readers who are listening to you as you try to explain your pain and thoughts and life. You are very strong for taking the first steps to come out and tell the world what is going on. You will empower other women just by taking that first step. You also took a first step in protecting your physical safety and your children's by going to a hotel. Please do not listen to any of the people who place judgment on you. Perhaps you are a difficult person to live with, so am I
But no matter what you did, you do not deserve to be abused. Please listen to me again NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED, physically or emotionally. There are so many of us who will listen to you and support you through all of this. There are many of us who want to make the decision that we think is best for you and your children, but it is up to you to make the decisions concerning your life. I encourage you to start thinking about a long term safety plan for you and your children. Perhaps start looking at websites that may help you such as http://www.thehotline.org/. With Love, Nicole
Posted by Nikki O on December 29, 2011 at 8:55 am | permalink |
I..we have similar background stories, though we are different in many ways, and reading this was a little too close to home in many ways. I am blessed in that I found the partner I needed to help me move beyond my toxic contributions to relationships, and realize that I did not deserve all the terrible things that happened to me. I recently came across this link: http://libidablog.com/how-to-avoid-problem-people/2011/ and it made a lot of the things much clearer. Perhaps you will find it helpful as well. You absolutely deserve better than what you are living right now. And even if you don't think that you do, your children do. Right now, you are teaching them lessons about how to treat women by accepting the treatment you are receiving. And if you think that you are hiding it from them, I am 100% sure you are not.
Posted by Courtney on December 29, 2011 at 8:55 am | permalink |
You don't know who you are. You might have been told at times that that you matter, that you're beautiful, that you're worth it you may have even felt it on occasion, but you don't believe it.
The only solution to the problem is to understand who you are and to believe that you are loved. I could tell you to get out of the relationship but you won't because you don't believe you are worth it. You hate yourself despite that others love you. There is hope Penelope but it's only by understanding who God truly is which is merciful beyond comprehension – He NEVER leaves no matter your behavior and to understand who He says you are – that Girl, is that you ARE worth it, you ARE beautiful, and you ARE wanted so much that He put Himself through hell to show you.
What you believe fuels your thoughts, which fuels your emotions, which fuels your actions. Oh and by the way…gifted ex-children aren't crazy they're simply gifted adults and all the same rules apply. Quit believe the shit people are telling you and ask for Truth.
Posted by Daun Jacobsen on December 29, 2011 at 8:55 am | permalink |
It took me 6 years to leave an abusive man. It was hard, but so worth it. I, too, wondered if anyone would miss me. I desperately needed that. One day, it dawned on me: MY DAUGHTER WILL MISS ME WHEN HER FATHER KILLS ME. That was all it took. Your children will miss you. If the Farmer doesn't kill you, he will kill what is left of your spirit.
I don't give a shit about your picture/choice of pose. The bruise is all I see, and I hope the positive comments outweigh the negative.
You've had a rough life; rougher than I. Still, I believe in you. You have my email address if you'd ever like to talk.
Posted by VAL on December 29, 2011 at 8:56 am | permalink |
Out. Now.
Your mind has been patterned to see a certain type person as safe. That's almost always from a first-week parental bond. Your system wants adrenaline from the constant fight-or-flight you endured while your body was still developing. You can use your analytical and writing gifts to set up a personal and parental relationship business plan with goals to overcome those things.
The picture was an outgrowth of the fact that abuse survivors believe we are only valued for our bodies.
You have one offer of housing. If that doesn't work out, I have a unit available in a small town you never heard of.
Posted by Angie unduplicated on December 29, 2011 at 8:59 am | permalink |
You are the only blogger I would pay to read. I look forward to everything and anything you write. I would miss you – as would thousands of others.
You are a remarkable woman. We all love you from afar.
Posted by Jeffrey Luke on December 29, 2011 at 9:03 am | permalink |
Who took such an intimate picture of you Penelope? You were in a hotel,right? Not your kids,I assume? Or,even worse,the farmer? Who was it then? And for what purpose? I am genuinely interested to know
Posted by Eirini on December 29, 2011 at 9:12 am | permalink |
Penelope the comments go on and on and on for pages and pages and pages. I just read this. The picture is awful and I knew what it was immediately. I read every word while holding my breath. Obviously this isn't a good situation for you. Obviously you need some help right now. Obviously this is not appropriate for children. So it is obvious to us. There is no working it out. There is only "when" not "if". Get it over with and move on.
Posted by Rebecca on December 29, 2011 at 9:16 am | permalink |
in spite of your loving the man, he doesn't want to be vulnerable enough to stop abusing you — it will take a LOT of effort. those pathways are set and reinforced in his brain now. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0061906107/?tag=brazecaree-20
heard this neuro genius on Leonard Lopate on WNYC segment (google it, listen). I think this may help you detach from the love keeping you in these cycles of hell.
Posted by denisef in c'ville va on December 29, 2011 at 9:21 am | permalink |
GOOD for you, going to a hotel. This is a start. GOOD. I'm proud of you.
I've said it in other comments and I'll say it as many times as necessary. I was abused for years too. I always blamed myself. The abuse wasn't my fault but it was my responsibility. Does that make sense? Meaning, I never deserved to be treated like shit, to be treated like I wasn't an actual human being. But I was responsible for doing whatever I could do to save myself.
I was 24 when I did. Maybe 25. Now I'm 32 and I'm mostly fine. Sometimes I still miss the person who abused me even though I also hate him and feel like the abuse stunted my growth and talent. That bothers me more than anything–that he interfered with my fucking career!
But I didn't have kids. I'm married now to someone loving and responsive and caring and dependable. And sometimes I miss the sparks and being on fire but I know I could never go back there. I don't have the energy or the self-loathing anymore. And I want to have kids next year and kids thrive on routine and boring parents (not really boring, but you know what I mean–it's about them now).
This isn't just about you. This is also about your kids. What if I said by subjecting this violence to them that you are complicit in abusing them? Would that sting? Would you fight that? I say that not to hurt you. You don't need more hurt in your life. But your kids witnessing this is not in anyway okay. And it's more important than unschooling. I think you've become obsessed with unschooling because it's an attempt to fix their lives without actually fixing the root problem, which is that you live with a violent, out of control man.
What they need is for you to move, cut ties with the Farmer and they need you to get therapy (DBT) and PROPER meds (NOT valium or xanax when you feel like it. See multiple psychiatrists and get that regimen right) and whatever else you need (Ashtanga yoga, meditation, being in a city, being with a boring rich guy, whatever!), just like you would need chemo if you had cancer. If you had cancer, you probably wouldn't blame yourself. You would just try to get better. You need some meds and support so you can start getting better and stop reenacting your childhood. We all do it but if we want to be real adults, we eventually stop.
You can do it. You've done it before. If you can't do it right now, let your boys live with their dad (your ex–what does he think of all of this? Where the hell is he in this picture?) while you get it sorted. Sacrifice your pride for them. Do this for them.
Posted by Joselle on December 29, 2011 at 9:22 am | permalink |
The ending sentence hurts: "I want someone to miss me."
Never hold on to people who will not miss you. They are not worth it.
Love yourself, then find someone who loves you as you are (warts and all).
Posted by Bengt W on December 29, 2011 at 9:25 am | permalink |
Penelope,
I have never written a comment before but have been following you for a long time. I own a successful company-a recruiting and staffing firm. I am president of an organization for women entrepreneurs. I initially loved your blog because I could relate to your confidence as a woman entrepreneur. I do not recognize the person you have become since marrying this man and moving to the farm. You will leave when it gets bad enough for you. The question is how bad does it have to get? This was a dysfunctional relationship even before the violence. I would have left a long time ago but it looks like your threshold for bullshit and manipulation is pretty high. You have the potential to be a role model for women and you are blowing it. It is sad to see how little belif you have in yourself right now. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my career but if he ever verbally abused me (much less physical) I would be gone. There are MANY other fish in the sea. There are so many men who would be LUCKY to date you much less marry you. You can survive on your own -you have before and can again-whenever you are ready. It may take a month or year or ten years but you will leave. You are too smart to stay.
I just hope you still have a career left at that point. How far down are you willing to go? Are you willing to lose everything? Sorry, I won't be reading anymore until you leave. I cannot respect a woman in business who does not have self-respect in her personal life. I will be patiently waiting for you to get your life on track and act like the strong CONFIDENT woman we both know you are.
Wishing you all the best,
Andrea
president@nawboatlanta.org
Posted by Andrea on December 29, 2011 at 9:27 am | permalink |
I am truly sorry for your situation, I wish there was some way for me to help you. You are in my prayers.
Posted by Barb on December 29, 2011 at 9:36 am | permalink |
Penelope, sweetheart, you can't be missed if you don't leave. But the most important thing is not the fact of being missed (or loved, or cherished), but WHO does the missing and loving and cherishing. You know this is not the life you want–not for yourself, not for your kids. You may believe you deserve it, but you know that's a mistake. We, your readers, can scream it out at you every which way, but you need to *know* it, yourself, deep inside. You deserve better–WAY better. And if you want to be missed, then you first need to work on building relationships with people that will miss you for the right reasons. We, here, are a much-needed contact for you right now, perhaps, and we'll certainly miss you, but that's not the point. You need to have people in your life that love you and cherish you–for the right reasons. Not because they need a punching bag.
I know it's a process, and it takes time. But please think of your children. Think of yourself. You deserve better. No one can give it to you–except you. Only you. We'll hold your hand all the way, but you need to start walking.
Posted by Guilie on December 29, 2011 at 9:40 am | permalink |
Penelope, let's say you are impossible. Still, no one gets to shove you like that. Let's say the farmer is a good man, pushed beyond his limit. Still, no one gets to shove you like that. The time has come to leave. I am so sorry.
Posted by Lisa on December 29, 2011 at 9:40 am | permalink |
Penelope,
You are both right and wrong. You are right that you have some poor relationship skills, but wrong to stay in an abusive relationship. You choose relationships that are abusive because you don't believe that you deserve better. You need to improve your relationship skills — first with your children, co-workers, friends, and then one day once you have those skills refined with a man in a romantic relationship. The good news is that you already have some good skills — just look at how much us reading this blog love you!
It will take time. Just like you give time and attention to your career, you need to consider the feedback you've gotten from relationships (from those people you respect) and consider how you can change how you treat people to improve your relationships. I am also working on this myself, and I think sometimes not saying things is as powerful as saying the "right" thing (especially for people like you and I who are talkative). Silence is powerful.
Realize that you are both worthy of love and acceptance, but that you are also imperfect and need to work on your ability to interact with others. Do not allow a label like Aspergers to stop you from improving.
Just because you have experienced a trauma does not mean you will be damaged by it, but you will be changed by it.
Realize that you are also modeling for your kids how relationships between men and women are supposed to work, so be careful to provide them with a positive role model.
Posted by Jean on December 29, 2011 at 9:43 am | permalink |
At least for the boys, get out of this situation. They do not deserve to see, experience, or be frightened by these episodes of violence. Think of them first.
Posted by Elizabeth on December 29, 2011 at 9:51 am | permalink |
Dear Penelope,
I have read your blog for years, lost it for a while, and came back after you married the Farmer. I noticed right away how much more sad and beaten down your posts sounded. I so sincerely hope you find your way through this.
What your parents did to you was not your fault. Would you ever do anything like that to your children, no matter how "bad" they were? Of course not. The problem was them, not you.
Your body is sacred. No one gets to touch it, in love or in anger, unless you say it's ok. I sense that you have not had the chance to learn that in your life, but it is a law of the universe
Lastly, you cannot trust your emotions in this case. They will tell you that you cannot leave, that you love him, that things will change, etc, etc. Your emotions are wrong in this instance, my dear. If it helps, treat it as your life as you would a business… someone is hurting your "inventory"…you and your children… and that cannot be allowed to happen if you expect it to grow and thrive. There will be someone who will love you and treat you kindly and gently, no matter how difficult you are to live with. But first, understand that you are worthy of that sort of kindness and gentleness. You are not irretrievably broken. It only feels like it.
Love to you. I hope we continue to hear from you. I would miss you.
Posted by Linette on December 29, 2011 at 9:55 am | permalink |
I must say I was pretty shocked to read this post. Firstly I always kind of took the relationship talk in a slightly satirical way, especially with the code names you use but this situation isn't good at all and I realised I have probably been reading real situations all this time.
You don't deserve the violence in any form, verbal or physical and you need to get the hell out of there. The farmer needs to have a police report filled against him and it needs to stop. If not for you, for your kids.
Please take the advice and contact someone.
Posted by Forest on December 29, 2011 at 10:00 am | permalink |
P, you sound like youre in a sinking boat — that's been sabotaged by The Farmer — with no clear idea of how to save yourself.
The Farmer is the boat, the boat is sinking, he pulled the plug.
SWIM -AWAY- FROM THE BOAT.
DO NOT CONTINUE TO FLAIL IN THE WATER AND TRY TO GRAB ONTO THE FARMER, THINKING HE'LL SAVE YOU. HE IS ONLY GOING TO PULL YOU DOWN & DROWN YOU.
He caused the problem. He is not the solution. He is the anti-solution.
Please. Swim away and save yourself (& the boys).
=^..^=
Posted by =^..^= on December 29, 2011 at 10:01 am | permalink |
Thank you for sharing. YES you do have a relationship with the many, many people who have enjoyed and benefited from your writing. PLEASE do this NOW.
PUT A FRICKIN' PAYPAL BUTTON ON YOUR PAGE.
Musicians post their work and say, pay us if you like it. Louis CK says, here's my performance, buy it if you like it.
LOTS of people love and are grateful to you for your writing, Penelope. Now let them help you.
((((((big hug)))))))
Posted by stuart mcdowall on December 29, 2011 at 10:13 am | permalink |
Ditto to the paypal comment.
I would happily donate in gratitude for the advice (already bought your book) and would jump at the chance to pay you, or someone you recommed (referral fee?) to eviscerate my resume.
Posted by Michelle on December 29, 2011 at 2:40 pm | permalink |
hmmm…did he push you away? What exactly were you doing? Your use of words, "he slammed me into the bed post" makes me wonder what his side of the story is. And he "agreed not to beat you up anymore." Again, the words that emphasis your viewpoint. There's two sides here and we are not seeing the whole thing. Since you love to give TMI, what's the whole story?
Posted by Joellen on December 29, 2011 at 10:15 am | permalink |
This is what I want to know.
What is the Whole Story…and a Big Apology to everone who reads your blog…
Posted by stopthebullshit on December 29, 2011 at 9:57 pm | permalink |
I think you should take the advice you had last time – go away for a month. Just a month. It might end up being a permanent change, but for right now you can just think of it as leaving for a month, which makes it easier to handle and won't make your brain start resisting immediately.
Sending you love and comfort. Remember, there are other farms.
Posted by Rachel on December 29, 2011 at 10:17 am | permalink |
run far and fast. plenty of people will miss you and are sad you are putting up with this shit. you are teaching your kids that this is what "normal" relationships look like.
Posted by dale on December 29, 2011 at 10:17 am | permalink |
Speaking from the experience of someone who has been there….unable to leave (though no DV), it is quite freeing when you finally do. An exhilarating almost giggly time to be alone in your own head having fun with your kid. Then…in my case, along comes a grown up happy guy that actually likes me (now this is important) just the way I am. Whew. What a relief. I didn't know before that you actually don't have to settle. Good luck, hang in there and remember that you do not have to settle.
Posted by Devony on December 29, 2011 at 10:19 am | permalink |
You can leave. You are already missed by most of your readers. We are waiting for you to take control and come back out of the rabbit hole.
In the past, we read your strong words to not feel helpless. It is infuriating to watch you drift further and further away each week you are on the farm.
Please stop letting the Farmer control the dialogue. It is like he has taken over your blog and your life. Keep taking positive steps in that hotel room and regain your voice. Preferably by relocating to a city.
Posted by Vigilant reader on December 29, 2011 at 10:19 am | permalink |
I'd like to tell you to leave, as many others already have, but I know that it's not that easy. It's often scary and sometimes dangerous. You are the only one that can decide what you need and when. But you definitely do not deserve violence. If you'd like some support you can call DAIS at 608.251.4445 (Dane County) or Family Advocates at 608.482.0582 (Lafayette County).
Posted by Kelly on December 29, 2011 at 10:19 am | permalink |
Dear Penelope, I have been in similar situations and blamed myself for years for my parent's divorce. I am Aspergers also, and see similar patterns in my life and yours. Its like some families have to have one person that they blame for the badness in the rest of them. The rest of the family gets to feel good about themselves as long as they dump their guilt on that one person. I think that usually this is the strongest person. Please take inventory of your strengths and get our of your for the sake of your kids and for the sake of us, who care about you, if you cannot yet care about yourself. I have learned a lot about myself from your blog. Please get out of there before the wonderful creation that is you is destroyed. I don't want to have to miss you. I think what you need to aim at is learing to think about what makes you valuable. I can see it plainly. But you need to do this for yourself, and learn to value yourself. Please. For my sake and others who care about you right now if you can't care about yourself yet. It involves purposely doing nice things for yourself and deciding what is best for you. This is not being selfish. It is being smart. I have also heard the irony that others cannot value us if we don't value ourselves. In the case of those of us with Aspergers, we have to work at this. In my case, at least, contstanty.
Posted by Leslie on December 29, 2011 at 10:25 am | permalink |
Ok P. I jumped to the end without reading the rest of the comments after reading your blog post to say this.
I will miss you, if you did not post, when there's nothing new I find myself wondering whats going on, and that you have a real life to live.
Oiy.
Posted by Duells on December 29, 2011 at 10:25 am | permalink |
Dear Penelope,
There is nothing more that I can add, except that I understand, and that am with you on your journey as you share it. If you feel like talking, you know how to reach me.
Irv
Posted by Irving Podolsky on December 29, 2011 at 10:29 am | permalink |
I am afraid that you will get your wish and be missed…by your boys after your funeral…..
Posted by Ivy Lane on December 29, 2011 at 10:34 am | permalink |
Like many others, I have followed you for years and was concerned that you have been so quiet lately. I constantly quote you in my day-to-day life and in my work presentations. The line I have been reminding myself most lately is when you say "if you aren't scared about life and your career every once in a while then you aren't taking risk, you are doing nothing."
You have been through so much. Even though it is scary you should leave and risk stability for a bit. You know how to do this in your career, now it may be time to apply the same strategy to your home life.
You can do this even though it is scary — you inspire me everyday!
Posted by BrightGal on December 29, 2011 at 10:40 am | permalink |
Thousands of people will miss you if your life is taken away from us by domestic violence. Already your life is slipping away from us as the domestic violence in your life is affecting what you do best – which is writing.
Posted by Sara on December 29, 2011 at 10:50 am | permalink |
I was just starting to search through the blog to find an actual location of the farm so I could contact the authorities when I got to Jo-Jo's comment. Calling the police is exactly what needs to be done. Enough of this. Press charges, Penelope.
Posted by Courtzilla on December 29, 2011 at 10:53 am | permalink |
P. It will take a long time, but you'll have to realize you can be interesting AND happy. (I've been reading your posts since 2007 or so.) Right now, you're just interesting. Make it your life's purpose to show us all how it can be done. Or, if you decide you just want to be interesting, learn to own up to it–especially to your kids, so they can have a clear perspective on your choices going forward.
Posted by Massy VK on December 29, 2011 at 10:53 am | permalink |
Penelope, I am that 71 year old who reads you and loves you. Please look at my FB fan page–Emotional Sobriety. Read the retyping I'm doing from the ACA Red Book. Buy the book. It will change your life. I make nothing from my page and/or the book. But i get to help others who are lost in the roles of his/her childhood.
Posted by Kathy Berman on December 29, 2011 at 10:57 am | permalink |
ya I miss you a lot too when you don't write. I check in with your blog e-v-e-r-y-s-i-n-g-l-e day and get so sad when there are no posts. i figured it was the holiday craziness.
Posted by karelys on December 29, 2011 at 11:01 am | permalink |
I grew up on a Wisconsin farm. I am a licensed clinical psychologist with a doctoratal degree. I think I understand a bit about Wisconsin farmers. They are usually a quiet lot who spend a lot of time alone, in nature, or with only the sounds of agriculture around them.
The oft-repeated mantra "There is no excuse for violence" is not really true; it is a great soundbite but an untrue statement.
Anger, and perhaps subsequent violence, is a normal animal response to an invasive action, perceived or real. For example, if you see someone attacking your child, you will react by getting that child out of harm's way in whatever manner needed; violence from you is often included. Ergo, sometimes there MAY be an excuse for violence.
From your own admission, Penelope, you "talk, talk, talk." You admit your face-to-face communication is sometimes lacking. If you were constantly talking AT an introverted and quiet individual and not giving him time or space to process what you say, if you back him into a corner insisting he respond or listen or react, he may feel trapped, attacked, and under seige. It may be his reaction to get out of the problematic situation any way he can because he is feeling overwhelmed.
I do not know what your marital relationship is like beyond your descriptions. I have not heard you speak of the farmer hitting you or striking you voluntarily; I have heard descriptions of him trying to GET AWAY from you by pushing or shoving. I am posing an alternative explanation by saying when you trap any creature, it will struggle to defend itself to escape, maybe as the Farmer is doing.
If the Farmer is voluntarily beating or intimidating or enforcing power over you, my explanation is not valid; please ignore it and go on. I just want to provide another way to view your situation. You are an intelligent, gifted, complex individual who is probably not accurately depicted by normal platitudes or stereotypes. Don't rely on them to solve your problems.
Posted by celestial on December 29, 2011 at 11:16 am | permalink |
I love how you framed the picture. You say you have no eye for photography, but you really do.
I'm sad to see that you would rather stay with someone so you can be missed instead of taking care of yourself. You are an amazing person that is hard to live with, but doesn't deserve to be treated violently.
You have the brilliant gift of storytelling and sharing this with other people are also being abused is helping them process their lives. I love that you are sharing this experience.
Please, please, please move out. You need to find someone that appreciates you for all your amazingness as well as your flaws. Every relationship is like a start-up if it's not the right fit then you have to move on.
Posted by Karl Staib on December 29, 2011 at 11:18 am | permalink |
This post ought to be titled "The Psychology of Driving Blog Traffic."
Semi-sexy photo? Check.
Someone's life in seeming danger? Check.
Obvious villain? Check.
Emotional victim narrative? Check.
A plea for feedback? Check.
I echo the thoughts of other commenters:
Who took the photo? (If it was taken in the hotel room, god forbid by the children or in front of the children, that's just sick and likely grounds for removal of the children.) Where is the ex-husband in this? (He could get a court order to remove the children from the home.) Where is the brother? (He supposedly said he would help Penelope last time.) What is Penelope's real financial situation? (I'm guessing it's not great since she owes a mountain of back taxes, money to various lawyers, etc., AND she has numerous judgments against her from previous landlords and other creditors.)
If this isn't fiction, I suspect she keeps returning because she can't AFFORD to live on her own. She needs the Farmer. If it isn't real, all of who are reading are being used for our mouse clicks, and Penelope is laughing as the traffic yields dollars.
Posted by H on December 29, 2011 at 11:23 am | permalink |
Some things to think about.
Perhaps the person that can satisfy you sexually can NOT satisfy you emotionally.
Perhaps the person you choose to be sexual with can NOT satisfy your needs to have someone to talk to. Different skill sets, sex, talking.
From my strange life, I remember someone who tried both telling me that men are better at sex and women are better emotionally. An oversimplification and perhaps something to think about.
After my appallingly violent childhood, it took about four decades to get to the point that I do not choose men who hit me.
I STILL am not to the point that I don't choose men who hurt me emotionally.
I have been doing serious and intense therapy for the last five years. I did roughly 30 years of therapy before that to get to the point that I could tolerate the serious and intense therapy.
Get yourself into therapy and WORK at it HONESTLY until your life gets better.
Finally, finally, I am nobody's victim. And it has taken every scrap of therapy to get me here.
I want freedom from being hurt, physically and emotionally for you. I want you to want that freedom enough to do whatever it takes to get you there.
Since writing helps you, write.
Since you are not getting what you want emotionally by nagging or throwing tantrums at the Farmer, learn what works. I don't know what will work for you.
I do know that you have made it clear to all of us readers that what you are doing isn't getting the outcomes you want. Try something else and make notes about what works and what doesn't work.
Stop doing the things that don't work.
Do only the things that get you the outcomes you want.
You are a smart woman.
Pay attention.
I send you caring and love and hope.
Please stop going to the poisoned well.
I truly and with all my heart do not want you to commit suicide by getting the Farmer to kill you.
Posted by Evy MacPhee on December 29, 2011 at 11:23 am | permalink |
Here's an angle: Stop being un/happy and start being interesting.
The incompatibility of interesting and happy is one of your very best topics–it's the most memorable theme I've gotten from your blog. Well, guess what? Unhappy can be just as boring/uninteresting as happy. What's so different between "OMG life on the farm is hellish [photo]" and "OMG life on the farm is idyllic [photo]"? Both work the first time bc they tug on heartstrings, but overuse quickly becomes predictable and then boring to read. Your posting frequency indicates it's also boring for you to write. Look what you had to do to make this post interesting: pose nude! The oldest trick in the book! Then, once the picture scrolled away, you had to talk about your crappy childhood–nostalgia, another old trick. Sure indicators that you have no new material here, and old tricks don't work for long. Another indicator that this topic is boring? The comments. "Not your fault! Leave now! Think of the children! Posing nude is [good/bad]!" It can't be interesting for you to read such platitudes.
The sooner and more decisively you change the situation, the more interesting your blog will become. Start generating TRULY new experiences to write about so you can stop using sex and violence to retain readers. How are you going to make a "well, I went back for more" post interesting? Boob bruises? Blood? Your kids' blood? Too high a price. You can generate interest more cheaply by making a big break. A nearby hotel is not enough of a break…way too easy to go back. Maybe you already have.
You can start being interesting this very afternoon and have material by tonight. Pick a city to move to for that 30 days. Write the post "How I chose where to live next." Heck, put it to a vote (I vote Chicago). Actually go to the city and you'll have a post for that night about your move. After that, the deluge: once you break this situation open and do something interesting, material will be plentiful.
Posted by techne on December 29, 2011 at 11:30 am | permalink |
a very, very good friend once said to me just leave, just come (home and away from him) and it will all be okay, you'll see. and i did not in any way believe her but i was simply too tired of the struggle and so i did as i was told, not because i thought she was right but because i trusted her judgement more than my own. and i so very clearly remember thinking she's wrong and i will never be happy and she doesn't know how deep this love is or how special and unique our relationship is. that was 10 years ago and she was right and i 100% credit her with saving my life.
sometimes you have to stop listening to the words you are telling yourself. who is the person that loves you, the person who cares for your soul and would only have you happy and safe and loved? listen to their words instead.
Posted by Miss SJ Albany on December 29, 2011 at 11:37 am | permalink |
Penelope.
I don't think leaving is the issue. I think that rationalizing the decision to leave, is the issue. Because you need to talk yourself into it. What I see here is that you are shit scared to call it quits because quitting is viewed as an action of giving something up. Much like smoking and as Allen Carr puts it you don't quit, you just stop. So the real question you need to analyze is why you think you are quitting anything at all?
Maybe what you really need isn't someone who will miss you, but someone who simply likes to stay up late and talk to you. Someone who enjoys your nuances and your craziness. Maybe you are just afraid he isn't out there. And maybe you are wrong about that. It's a risk. But I know for sure, whatever is on the other side, is better.
Good luck to you. You are stronger than you know.
Posted by Lisa on December 29, 2011 at 11:37 am | permalink |
Going to the hotel was a great idea. Take the time you need to stare at the wall and contemplate things in silence, without fighting or pleading with the Farmer. And please CALL YOUR THERAPIST. See your therapist every day if you have to. If you're in a hotel, I'm guessing that you're in Madison and you can.
While your blog audience is here for you in some very real ways – Jo-Jo was smart to call the police – you need in-person, real-life support from a grown up who doesn't have a personal stake in your decisions. You need comfort, which is where friends like Melissa come in (or perhaps someone who hasn't lived with the Farmer?), but you also need that adult, professional support.
You did the right thing by going to the hotel. Now gather your support system around you, look at the future, and decide what you need to do to get to the best, most healthy future for you and your boys.
Posted by Lea on December 29, 2011 at 11:41 am | permalink |
Penelope, leave. Take your kids and leave everything behind. Burn the Farmer out of your life and start new.
Violence is unacceptable in any circumstance.
Move back to NY. I'm a single mom living in SF. I've found that there are men out there who have the capacity to love you AND the children you love. Men of character. Men that don't cheat, lie or hit. Men that respect the challenges of being a single mom and will admire you for it. Your selflessness and your hard work. They do exist. And you know what's surprising but absolutely delightful? Men like this tend to be equally intelligent and successful. And for good reason, they are men of character.
Plus, you have such a nice bum. You won't have a hard time attracting many men. Take your time and be selective. The cream is on the top.
Take good care of yourself and the boys. Sending you warmth and love.
Grace
Posted by Grace B. on December 29, 2011 at 11:53 am | permalink |
Read "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle to understand where conflict comes from (internal & external) and how to eliminate it or reduce it significantly in your life.
Posted by Sharon on December 29, 2011 at 11:57 am | permalink |
"That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me."
If you don't leave you will be missed by all of us and your kids and you won't be around to feel that. I will not tell you what to do as that is not what you need to hear right now, but just know…you inspire me. I started reading your blog almost 2 years ago. I stumbled across it when I was visiting websites doing research for my son who was diagnosed with Autism over 2 years ago. You give me hope for him to grow up and be able to have a family of his own. Please don't take that away.
Posted by SD Jen on December 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm | permalink |
What if your bruise was on your head, rather than your thigh? Or your son, rather than you? Or made with a gun, not a bed post? Think of the possibilities. Then leave.
Posted by Diane on December 29, 2011 at 12:11 pm | permalink |
I'm sorry the Farmer didn't turn out to be the man you wanted in a partner.
But your kids cannot watch this. You have to think of them. Teach them that they don't have to put up with abuse and that you will do whatever is necessary to protect them.
Also, is your ex-husband out there? Sir, you need to help the mother of your kids do what's right for all of them.
Posted by EBB on December 29, 2011 at 12:11 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
You have enough people offering you advice in these comments as it is. I am not going to be one of them. No one in your situation listens to advice anyway. I don't mean that in a cruel way. I mean it in an I-would-know way.
I'd rather share a little of my own story, anyway.
I didn't leave when my husband held a gun to my head. I didn't leave any of the times he threatened to kill me, actually.
Where was I going to go, anyway? I felt so isolated from everyone and everything else. I knew I COULD go back to my parents, but that sounded awful. I couldn't stand the idea of their judgment and all the advice they would heap upon me. I didn't want them telling me what I should do and what I needed to do and how much I had damaged my son by staying as long as I did.
I didn't leave my husband when things got so bad that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to leave, but he said the only way I was leaving was alone- without my son. The only way I was leaving without my son was in a body bag. So I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour with a bottle of anti depressants that weren't doing their job. I had just filled the prescription. I had three months worth of pills and I laid on the floor counting them, caressing them, and contemplating what it would be like to just not exist anymore.
When I was checked into the mental ward, the nurses tried to get me to "admit" that the bruises on my body were the result of my husband trying to save me from myself. No one wanted to hear the truth. Those bruises came before I was laying of the floor with pills spilled out around my legs. I tried to tell them. But they wouldn't listen.
I left my husband eventually. I left my husband for my son, not for myself although I truly believed that staying would end in my death eventually. Either by his hand or mine. But I left for my son. Death didn't sound so bad.
I believed it was all my fault too. For a long time. Sometimes I still think that. I'm not aware of him hitting his second wife. And they were together for twelve years. Maybe I did provoke him. Maybe I made him hit me.
If that is the case, then I suppose we were never compatible. It could never have worked.
The thing I want to give you credit for is admitting you got yourself into this situation. I spent three years in domestic violence support groups after leaving so that my son could have access to the children's group. In that time I never heard one other woman admit that it was her fault for getting into the relationship or for staying.
Except for me. I stated repeatedly it was my own fault because after the first time he hit me, I stayed. After the first time he threatened to kill me, I stayed.
Everything that happened after that was at least fifty percent my fault. If not for provoking him, then for allowing him to continue.
I haven't needed to take medication for depression since the day I left. Turns out I wasn't depressed and I didn't have bipolar. I was just in a really shitty situation and that can be depressing as fuck.
No one can tell you what to do. And I wouldn't dare because I have been you. Everytime someone told me what to do I cut them out of my life a little more.
What I will say is that you have my email. If you want to talk I will give you my cell number. And if you want to be left alone to think things out in your hotel room just remember, your cell phone has an off switch. Your computer has one too. Take your time. Look at you your boys' faces. And figure out what you need to do for them and for you. But think about them first, because you probably love them more than you love yourself. I did.
Posted by Brooke Farmer on December 29, 2011 at 12:19 pm | permalink |
Please, take your kids and go somewhere far away from the farmer and his farm. It isn't you; this life isn't you!!! If it were, you would be happy and there wouldn't be domestic violence. No matter how quirky and difficult to live with you are. If you were truly happy, you would be easier to live with by default anyway.
You could lose your kids, Penelope. What does their father have to say about all of this? Oh my heart aches for you. From one mother to another. Please, leave the farmer. You are strong. You can do this. I know that you are a good mother and you will chose what is best for them, and ultimately what is best for you, even if it is heartbreaking and hard. Be a role model for them. Do what you know is right. Leave.
Posted by Phenom on December 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm | permalink |
I am a NYC transplant living in Madison, too. And 3 years ago I had to go to a hotel, too, with my then toddler.
Do you need someone to physically come to you to walk you through the next few baby steps? Because I will find you a local professional, or, frankly, do it myself. I've got the action plan written in my head already. Step One is putting on your fucking big girl panties.
And I say this because I care: if you take those boys back to the farm, I will be the second reader to call the police.
Posted by JennyU on December 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm | permalink |
God love you for offering to walk her through the next steps!
Thank you from someone who has come to care about Penelope and those beautiful boys!
Seven years ago, when I was afraid I was going to do something jailworthy in trying to leave my ex-husband, my best friend told me to get on a plane.
I got on a plane. Lived with her for two years. Divorced. Got into some really helpful and serious therapy.
You are the right kind of friend!
Penelope, you call this woman. Let her lead you out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
Penelope: You matter! You matter! And you are loved!
Posted by Evy MacPhee on December 30, 2011 at 11:37 am | permalink |
Wow. I have been a fan forever. I have never felt compelled to write, but I feel like I am about to lose a dear friend. I feel like I know you, Penelope. I am fascinated and thrilled by your writing. I loved watching the farmer story unfold. I love the career advice, but I'm a sucker for the real stuff too, which shows your fragility and vulnerability.
I am not sure what to think now. I don't want to give stupid advice. But knowing that you read everything, I have to say that I would miss you. I have been checking your blog every day this week, and I too thought that you were away. I kept expecting to read a post about homemade pies and making paper snowflakes with the boys, or stringing popcorn and cranberries…
this is the last thing I expected.
That being said, after the last post about the violence, I was torn between thinking that it could be resolved and thinking you should leave. Now I guess you know what to do, and what the right answer is, and I know that you will do it this time. Getting to a hotel was the first sign of you helping yourself. I have deep faith in you, and know that you will not be a statistic. You will be the one you can avoid repeating the past. I am also keenly interested in following this, because I am just now coming to terms with sexual abuse I experienced from a coach in my early teens. It is painful to deal with this now in my 40's, but I know that I will be better for it, and so will my daughter who is following in my path as a gymnast.
Please, please keep us posted â you are like a lifeline for many of your readers. We care and we want to know what happens. You have the capacity to help many as you write about your journey to move on and heal from this. From one smart woman to another â hang in there.
Posted by Jessica on December 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm | permalink |
I just commented, but it seems to have been deleted?
So I'll rewrite a short summary: LEAVE. For your children and them alone. LEAVE.
Posted by Phenom on December 29, 2011 at 12:35 pm | permalink |
I get the naked thing. Just as the Volleyball mgr. was naked in his offer to go to L.A. Do it!
The relationship is over. Regroup
Posted by Bridget on December 29, 2011 at 12:39 pm | permalink |
This is just wrong…
Posted by Thrasos on December 29, 2011 at 12:45 pm | permalink |
Most farmers tend to stay out of the limelight, preferring instead to take of the chores that need to be done.
I've wondered how the farmer liked being exposed to the world when times were good. Can't imagine he was thrilled.
Bet he's even less thrilled about fights being broadcast on the Internet without getting to tell his side. Bet he downright giddy, though, that some random Internet person called the cops.
I hope, for his sake (and Penelope's), that she finally moves out of his house.
Posted by James T. Observation on December 29, 2011 at 12:47 pm | permalink |
Penelope – I'm not sure I can stand reading your blog anymore. This is infuriating. You won't press charges? Are you really that %#(@&$^ stupid?! Or just insane?! Or really just that SELFISH that you are going to continue to subject yourself AND your children to such a shitty situation simply because you don't think you'll be missed if you leave? Wake up and smell the cow shit, woman. You need to take control of your life. I don't care how impossible you are to live with, you don't deserve to be hit. And your children don't deserve to see or hear such disgusting displays of human indecency, nor do they deserve to be put in the line of fire. You cannot change people. If he hit you once, he will do it again. Leave. Just leave. You are better than this.
Posted by Jess on December 29, 2011 at 12:50 pm | permalink |
It's not clear that the farmer ever hit her. Pushing someone out of the way is slightly different than punching them in the face.
Posted by Hazel on December 30, 2011 at 12:15 pm | permalink |
Just like people who cut themselves, I suspect you need to get hurt so that it reminds you that you are real. Maybe you think you have no value unless someone hurts you.
And now that your kids are over 3 years of age, they too are adopting the abuse/abused mentality. Kids learn life values pretty young.
Posted by vicky on December 29, 2011 at 12:58 pm | permalink |
Penelope, please call the crisis number at Domestic Abuse Intervention Services in Madison (608) 251-4445. They do great work including career counseling which I am sure you can help make even better. Counseling, kids programs, housing, etc. is all available if you reach out (in real life).
Posted by Kevin on December 29, 2011 at 1:18 pm | permalink |
First, I hope you are healing — both physically and emotionally. And I hope your boys are okay.
I check your blog about once a week, read frequently, and comment rarely. When I cruised over to see what was going on I saw the photo and immediately thought, "Oh my God, she got beat up again."
I have no experience with domestic violence, nor do I even know of anyone for whom it has been a major issue. Yet this post (and the comments) — like all of your posts — has something universal to say. For me, it makes me wonder why smart people who know exactly what needs to be done remain mired in inaction. For you, it's not leaving an abusive relationship. For the rest of your readers, it may be something else.
This post is a reminder to me of the things I know I need to do — to better my life and the lives of those I love — but continue to leave undone because they are too frightening, difficult or inconvenient. Of course, doing most of these things requires another kind of pain: change.
As always, thank you.
Posted by Barbara Taylor on December 29, 2011 at 1:22 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I am thinking that it's not just the Farmer who isn't good for you, but living in such isolation. I live on a farm too, and I turn to the Internet as well for community–but the difference is I'm an extreme introvert so my social needs are much lower than those of an extrovert. Extroverts gain their energy from social interaction and I think you get far too little there, and thus turn to the Farmer when he seems like an introvert who needs space and silence to recharge.
You have so much freedom because your job moves with you, and your kids are homeschooled; couldn't you make a list of wonderful places you could go which would benefit you and the kids? like you could spend some months traveling the world with them (like doing volunteer work for room and board at a place that doesn't mind you bringing kids, or something like that) or you could move to a big city again and get a half-day job so you could have structure and community…I dunno, I'm just thinking you could stop thinking about trying to repair this relationship and think instead about doing something you want to do with your life that's been constrained by your living on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
Posted by Colleen on December 29, 2011 at 1:25 pm | permalink |
I agree with you Colleen. I think Penelope's needs are literally driving the Farmer crazy.
Posted by Cheryl on December 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm | permalink |
I still miss the partner of 3 years who punched me in the face. I still want him to miss me. But I got a restraining order against him to remind myself to leave him alone, not because he was going to come after me.
Subjectively true feelings can come from fucked up places and can't always be reconciled with objective truths like "violence is never OK" and "everyone deserves love."
The farmer doesn't like to talk, but actions speak louder than words. In writing your blog, you've found a way to make your words into work. But you still need to act to back them up. You have lots of readers who are supportive of you, even those who say unkind things care in some way. As with your son's skateboarding, sometimes quitting is the best thing to do.
Posted by becky on December 29, 2011 at 1:26 pm | permalink |
you will not press charges when the police stop by? But you are actually charging the farmer with the crime on your blog. A forum where he has no voice. I am not defending violence here, I think it is wrong and has to be stopped, I also think that likely the only way to break the cycle is for you to leave the farm. But, you are also not contributing to problem solution by putting on the pressure even further through a very public display of your injuries, physically and emotionally.
Posted by redrock on December 29, 2011 at 1:28 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
You wrote, "I want someone to miss me." *Your children will miss you if you commit the suicidal act of returning to the Farmer.
*Your massive readership will miss you.
And if I might point out, your parents practiced domestic violence. You practice domestic violence. It's a family tradition which you are passing on to your chilren.
Bill
Posted by Bill on December 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm | permalink |
So sorry for you! But I agree with the Farmer in one respect; I need peace and down time when I get home from work (IT Manager). If my husband, god bless him, kept me up late at night yaking at me, I would slug him also. I am not making excuses for the Farmer, any violence is bad violence. It seems he has given up alot for your family, working with his family on their land, but you can't stay and have the violence escalate. You know who I really feel bad for? Your boys. It seems like they have connected with the Farmer.
Posted by Cheryl on December 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm | permalink |
I am a big fan of yours and I know that you pride yourself on being a good mother. I have this to say to you: you are being a bad mother right now. And I think you need to hear this, because while you may never leave to save yourself, you might very well leave to save your boys. I'll say it again: by subjecting your kids to an atmosphere of violence and by giving them the message that it is, in fact, your fault, you are doing them a great deal of harm. You are too smart and care too much about them to do this to them, aren't you? Please, start being a good mother again: I am very worried about your sons.
Posted by anonymous on December 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm | permalink |
=That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me.=
If things get any more worse, and you're dead, we'll all miss you.
Posted by Charlie PA Tpk on December 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm | permalink |
I often find cheesy music to help in times of heartache.
Posted by hazel on December 29, 2011 at 2:04 pm | permalink |
I guess your blog doesn't support embedded youtube videos. The song I'm thinking of is "We Just Disagree" by Dave Mason.
youtube.com/watch?v=HeiVBA1hCkM
Posted by hazel on December 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm | permalink |
Penelope, hope you and/or the farmer will figure this out. I have no advice. But you all matter.
Tommi
Posted by Tom on December 29, 2011 at 2:19 pm | permalink |
Take care of yourself and your children first.
As the father of a 30 year old daughter, I telling you to leave this relationship now.
I wish you the best and I understand how difficult it can be to be caught in a bad relationship but now that the relationship has become violent you need to get out of it.
Best of luck to you in the New Year.
Posted by Jeff on December 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm | permalink |
Your parents really did a number on you, to make you feel like you need to be different in order for this relationship to work. Stand up for yourself and leave the farm. You can do it. You have friends, even total strangers on your side to help you do it.
Posted by Laura on December 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm | permalink |
I was a battered wife in the early 70s, when the cops just said, oh, he's your husband, there's nothing I can do…I finally got the courage to leave him with my 3 year old, after he began teaching her how to say "let's kill mommy". I know this isn't your situation, but the basic dynamics are the same for all women caught in a violent marriage. 1. He WILL do it again, no matter WHAT he says or promises. 2. Your children are better off with ONE parent than with two who are being violent. 3. If you stay, it WILL get worse. for goodness sake, google it. you're a smart girl.
That said, I do have to wonder about the picture. Who took it? And since when do hotels rooms have hardwood floors with wooden 5 or six panel doors? I'm not doubting you, but I am calling it hinky. something's just not right…
Posted by crystal on December 29, 2011 at 2:25 pm | permalink |
Some people are just toxic together. That however never makes abuse okay and blaming yourself because you could do better, be less annoying or whatever it takes to fix you doesn't work. I really feel for you and I hope you realise that you are worth far more than to be treated like this. If you can't do it for yourself, think a couple of years down the road to when your kids are teenagers and the voilence starts against them because they deserve it for teenage rebellion.
One of my best friends married a man from another culture, and he drove her crazy (see gaslighting article link, always telling her she was overacting, he was kidding, she was crazy) and she blamed her craziness on why he was pushing and hitting her. Problem was, she wasn't crazy, just reacting to someone treating her badly and he used her reactions as to why he got to be voilent with her.
Ended with him in jail for assult, battery and rape after they seperated (in Canada, the police press charges, not the people) after his neighbors called about her screaming. I found it hard to beleive, she is smart, funny and takes crap from no one but her mother was abusive and her therapist said that she had to change what she was doing and what she should accept in order to change who she attracted into her life. Weirdly, she sometimes still thinks it was her fault and that he wasn't a bad guy all the time. Taking the blame on yourself is one of the ways that you get trapped in these relationships.
Posted by Susie on December 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm | permalink |
From the looks of it, everyone here misses you. The you who blogged more often, the you who taught wonderful life lessons, the you who had incredible experiences to share. Personally, I think we are all better than the farmer when you combine us.
You are missed.
Posted by Garth on December 29, 2011 at 2:33 pm | permalink |
I totally agree with Garth.
Posted by Phenom on December 29, 2011 at 7:07 pm | permalink |
If you can't leave for you, then leave for your children. Boys who grow up witnessing abuse, are far more likely to become abusers. Do it for them, their future partners, and children. Break the cycle. There is no reason for you to stay. He will not change. Period. The abuse will not stop. It will get worse. The numbers do not lie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXF73_7Phj4
Posted by B. Wilson on December 29, 2011 at 2:36 pm | permalink |
I was glad Jo Jo made the call, but I wish it would have been to child protective services instead. The children should be removed from this situation.
Posted by Anon on December 29, 2011 at 2:37 pm | permalink |
How long before he hits one of your children? Are you wiling to find out?
Posted by Del on December 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm | permalink |
I've followed your blog because I think you're what business in general needs: someone to tell it like it is and demonstrate what âthinking outside the box' really is—not the cliché it's become.
You're someone I feel like I could chat with for 20 minutes and walk away with a load of ideas, fresh perspective and best of all, feeling better about myself.
But, I have to say something that will feel harsh: When you decided to have children, you took on the greatest and most important responsibility in the world: you committed to not only provide them the physical basics, you also committed to do the best by them for their emotional health. In my very blunt opinion, if a person can't do that, they should not have children.
No one is perfect—that's part of the deal. But by not taking care of yourself, you are essentially setting your boys up for as much emotional despair as you've had in your lifetime. Even if they have not directly witnessed the abuse, you are practically guaranteeing them a life of dysfunction — in their jobs, relationships and ability to experience peace. It very well might not be evident now or for the rest of their growing up years. But dysfunction WILL manifest itself for them at some point—certainly when they're adults.
For their sake, if not your own, do not go back to the farmer. Or, if you do, don't take them with youâlet their father or someone else have them. If you can't do the next right thing for yourself, then do it for them.
Lovingly and respectfullyâ-Shelley
Posted by Shelley on December 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm | permalink |
And stay away from your parents! Don't turn to them for support.
Posted by Lynette Jensen on December 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm | permalink |
I too called the police last night. I felt a little awkward explaining to the dispatcher that the might want to do a welfare check on for a woman who dropped her pants for a picture on her blog as she and her kids may need protection.
Penelope, in business one is often encouraged to "Fake it until you make it". Perhaps you should apply that to your current situation as well.
You have several challenges that most don't need to deal with and I feel for you. Some of them are of your own choosing.
However, you need to ask what does a healthy marriage, family, relationship and life look like and take the steps to get there. If it doesn't seem like something you have done in the past, select a stable role model(s) and ask what would they do and then do the same thing.
Honestly, I feel you are making a horrible, self-destructive decision my staying with a male who is masquerading as a man. Beating you up doesn't make him a man. It makes him a boy in big boy pants who can't control himself.
GET OUT NOW AND STAY OUT. THIS IS UNHEALTHY AND WILL BRING MISERY AND UNHAPPINESS TO YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
Posted by Saddened on December 29, 2011 at 2:52 pm | permalink |
go. Get out. No one deserves to be hit
Posted by Anon on December 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm | permalink |
You are a survivor, Penelope. You have the strength to leave. You are choking on the dust of this melting down relationship, as you choked on the dust of the towers. You may have to do some unpleasant stuff to really break free, but you will crawl through the rubble, find what you need to quench your horrible thirst and wash your grit filled eyes. There will be pain and maybe scars, but you will come through it. And he will miss you, and you him, but you can't go back. The towers have fallen. Don't try to keep living in a past that doesn't exist any more. Make a new life for yourself and your boys. You are a phoenix. Rise from the fire, ash and smoke. Spread your beautiful wings and fly on to greater heights. You and your boys deserve nothing less. And leaving the farmer is probably the best and only way to show him you really love him. He's not a bad person, but he isn't the right person for you. Go find the one who is. Even if that is just yourself.
Posted by lhamo on December 29, 2011 at 2:56 pm | permalink |
You don't understand, that's just how things are on a farm.
It's too hard to keep pets separate so you just kill the ones that are burdensome.
Same with yappy farm-wives – just get rid of them.
You're a loathsome attention whore.
Posted by Jncc on December 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm | permalink |
And YOU are clearly a farm animal…hopefully headed for slaughter
Posted by Shelley on December 29, 2011 at 3:11 pm | permalink |
Are you, too, dying from a bruise, Shelly?
Should you go to the hospital? Call 911?
Do you actually believe anything in the blog is real?'
If so, you are a fool.
Posted by Jncc on December 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm | permalink |
Penelope
I've been reading your blog off and on for years. It's sad to see the situation you are in but it's very clear you need to change your life immediately. If you really are difficult to live with, that should have been abundantly clear to your husband before you married. Violence is unacceptable under any condition. You need to move on from this now before it gets worse for you and your kids.
I wish you well and that next year is better for you and family. If you want to correspond, you have my email
Tim
Posted by Tim on December 29, 2011 at 3:11 pm | permalink |
You're dying from a bruise?
You are such a loathsome attention whore.
Posted by Jncc on December 29, 2011 at 3:14 pm | permalink |
I agree. Penelope is an attention whore. I don't even think she was abused. Her story sounds so far-fetched.
How did she manage to take a picture of her hip like that? And why was it necessary to have no pants or panties on? She wanted to make it seem like she was raped. Many women fake rape in order to gain attention.
She wants people to pay attention to her and she got it. She probably had an orgasm after reading these comments. Pathetic.
Posted by Yadgyu on December 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I wish I could help you. All I can offer is the fact that someone you've never met in NYC is concerned about you and wishes you the best. Please take care of yourself!
Posted by Debra on December 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm | permalink |
Just want to make sure you know that my 'farm animal headed to slaughter' comment a few minutes ago was to JNCC, not to you, Penelope.
Posted by Shelley on December 29, 2011 at 3:16 pm | permalink |
Thanks for clearing that up, Shelly.
Oh noees, I have a paper cut. I iz dying!!!
Posted by Jncc on December 29, 2011 at 3:18 pm | permalink |
I've not read the above comments, but I wanted to send you my support. You're a strong woman who has built so much. Build yourself a safe place for your sons. You love statistics: what are the rates for those who have experienced abuse to grow up and think it normal? Or who grow up to be abusers themselves? What if your sons abuse their own families? If you can't get out for yourself, get out for their sake. They will miss you, their mother, more than the man in your life can.
Posted by Amelia on December 29, 2011 at 3:21 pm | permalink |
Fault is completely irrelevant. Sometimes relationships are bad and they need to end.
Posted by Dorothy on December 29, 2011 at 3:23 pm | permalink |
Borderline Personality Disorder. There's treatment for this (long term psychotherapy, usually).
Whenever there's a tornado of shit (see comments), the person in the center is probably a Borderline.
And congratulations, readers. You've all been sucked in. Read up on projective identification if you want to know why.
Posted by Kevin N. on December 29, 2011 at 3:37 pm | permalink |
I have been a subscriber since you posted, "The secret to job security is to change jobs often."
I agree with James A's comments regarding you today.
I offer no advice, and you and yours are welcome here too.
Posted by mark on December 29, 2011 at 3:40 pm | permalink |
Im sorry to read this, but also have to wonder what you're doing here in this naked-in-many-ways post and whether it is something you will look back on as a good thing to have done.
Posted by David on December 29, 2011 at 3:41 pm | permalink |
OK, Penelope. Nearly 350 and counting comments (not including those by the ugly trolls) from your reader base expressing their concern, sadness, outrage, frustration, bewilderment and some of disgust.
What you do next is pivotal: to your physical and emotional wellbeing; to your career (and the future of this blog) to your son's precious lives, to the other people in your life and finally, will affect all of us who read you.
You posted this entry for a reason–clearly to ask for help—which you must know by now you have. Maybe from folks you've never met before—but undoubtfully genuine.
Now, take the action that's best for you and your boys. C'mon what do ya say?
Posted by Shelley on December 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm | permalink |
"You posted this entry for a reason"
certainly to to try and spike page views!
Posted by Jncc on December 29, 2011 at 3:48 pm | permalink |
OK, that's enough. You've been given a voice in this discussion by Penelope, you've used it, now crawl back under the bridge.
Posted by Another Andrea on December 29, 2011 at 10:19 pm | permalink |
You wrote "he would tell you that I'm impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone."
Set up your office in a home for the deaf and blind, so your nonstop talking and badgering addiction won't be noticed by about 90 percent of the people, and the other 10 percent will be happy that someone is paying attention to them.
Posted by outofboxadvice on December 29, 2011 at 3:46 pm | permalink |
To the folks who are wondering who took the picture, I assume it was the webcam on her laptop which was itself placed on the floor next to her. No need to go crazy.
Posted by Janet on December 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm | permalink |
Why did you title this The Psychology of Quitting? What are you quitting? Call it The Sanity of Facing Reality and Surviving. Do you mean quitting in the sense we quit a bad habit/addiction like smoking? Then, yes, you should absolutely quit the Farmer. He is an asshole and sounds crazy too. All of the reasons you imagine he would give us for physically hurting you? Shouldn't those qualities be what the person you are married to loves about you? You referred to the last time there was violence – which was 3 months ago almost exactly. And I clicked the link and re-read that post. You were telling us how the three men in your life were discussing stamp collecting. Your last sentence was very prophetic: "The hinges are difficult. You never know if it's better to attach the stamps for security, or if the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp."
You are the stamp. The Farmer is the hinge. You want the security of being attached (to anyone). But the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.
You do not need the Farmer. You are strong enough to remove yourself and your boys from this bad situation. It will continue to get worse. Cut your losses now and just make a clean break. You and your boys will be better off without the farm or the Farmer and his nasty parents. You will find a way to survive and thrive. You've done it plenty of times before. Talk to someone sane and healthy every day (not your family). Develop a new healthy soundtrack in your brain to replace the damaged one that is playing now. Hitting you and demeaning you does not equal love or happiness. It is wrong and not normal. Don't go back to the same situation and expect it to change. How many times do you need to fall into the hole in the road before you learn to take a different road?
Posted by Jacki on December 29, 2011 at 4:07 pm | permalink |
You seriously need to get out of there. I don't see this ending well if you stay — for you or your boys.
Posted by Tammy on December 29, 2011 at 4:08 pm | permalink |
Dear P,
It seems like a lot of people don't understand the photograph. I just thought you should know that someone out here gets it. I've been that naked before, too.
Love always.
Posted by Lindsey on December 29, 2011 at 4:08 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. You have a place to stay if you ever want or need it.
Love,
Jane
Posted by Jane on December 29, 2011 at 4:13 pm | permalink |
Penelope, you're a pretty bright woman but staying in the relationship sounds like a pretty dumb decision. But right here you are being smart. You see that you are wrong to stay, and you have some good ideas to explain to yourself why you did, and why that situation might even be seductive to you. And you see that he is wrong to hit you.
Now you see what you need to do, and you see that it will be uncomfortable, even emotionally painful. But it needs to be done, so do it. Treat it like a business decision, or what you would tell someone else to do. Later, you can work on the deeper emotional issues that kept you there.
Good luck.
Posted by Brian on December 29, 2011 at 4:18 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
I don't know if anyone else said this to you because 368 comments (right now) is too many to read through, but
If you want someone to miss you badly enough, stick with the Farmer and your children will miss you dearly once he has killed you.
But it doesn't even have to be that bad. Your children probably miss you right now. Because when you are allowing the Farmer to get violent with you for ANY reason, they lose a little bit more of their mother each time. Because the woman that you become is not their mother. The woman you become is simply a victim.
Please leave the Farmer permanently, so your children will never have to miss you.
Posted by Tonya on December 29, 2011 at 4:25 pm | permalink |
That bruise looks incredibly painful.
Please don't go back. Please get help.
I don't know any huge tough people in your area, but if I did, I would immediately send them to get your kids' things and your things out of your house, or remove him from the house and put you back in it with protection.
I wish there were more I could do.
Posted by A-E Shapera on December 29, 2011 at 4:25 pm | permalink |
If your main priority here is yourself and your relationship with your husband, I feel sorry for your children. Maybe there's someone else in your extended family who can take better care of them, by putting them first and not showing them that domestic violence is ok?
Posted by Lisa on December 29, 2011 at 4:34 pm | permalink |
Well I'm late in and most things have been said but I will add my bits.
1. If you were at work and your boss hit you would you consider that you were just bad at work?
2. I think you have had a lot of revelation in your life that you are an exceptional case. You found out your family was weird. You made it to the top of an athletic career unusually. Your career has been unusual – you get paid for that too, sharing stories of recycling content and getting fired makes you money. You've found out your brain doesn't work the same as other's.
Now I think you think, in part, that your relationship is exceptional. Other people get hit and it's not their fault, but not you. This is faulty thinking. What's more, you are making that choice for your kids – that they will beat the odds of growing up in an abusive home.
I know lots and lots of weird, quirky, even messed up people with good relationships. If you are going to put effort into being an exception, leave, and work on that. It is more likely to work out; you tried this one.
P.S. My brain is almost as quirky as it gets – statistically rarer than yours, and no one hits me.
Posted by Shandra on December 29, 2011 at 4:34 pm | permalink |
This blog post has totally empowered me to follow through on breaking up with my emotionally neglectful (ok,ok, abusive) boyfriend. Sure I hate being alone, yeah I'm kinda financially screwed, and of course I loved how he and my son interacted… but more than any of that I just can't respect myself if I keep being this lame co-dependent sell out. I'm smarter than that and we deserve better. I'm grateful that I don't have as traumatic of a history as you do…
Also, I know I'm being a blunt bitch, but I'm speaking my truth and you might be able to appreciate that. Thanks for the motivational push.
Posted by bzzzzz on December 29, 2011 at 4:43 pm | permalink |
Who Says Quitters Never Win?
New research finds that people who give up on unattainable goals are physically and mentally healthier than 'bulldogs' who persevere against all odds. The importance of knowing when to throw in the towel and the psychology of quitting is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
Think of it this way: People who simply will not or cannot give up an impossible dream eventually get emotionally defeated by their Sisyphean task. When does an admirable trait like perseverance start to look more like beating your head against the wall?
Amanda
Posted by Amanda on December 29, 2011 at 4:44 pm | permalink |
"he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me"
That's the stupidest thing anyone ever quoted. That's like how every month, financial analysts say the exceptionally low interest rates on government debt are because of investor confidence instead of what it really is: central banks.
Heroines are biologically attracted to men who act uninterested in them. They're always going to be attracted to situations in which they have to chase a man who hates them & repulsed by men who call them heroines. It's not going to change by teaching a generation to play soccer.
Posted by Heroine Worshiper on December 29, 2011 at 4:49 pm | permalink |
Penelope, you need to leave. You need to leave for your own sake and you need to leave for the sake of your sons. It is true they like living at the farm but it is not good for them to see adult relationships rooted in violence and to think it is okay for a man to hit a woman or for anyone to hit someone they love. You also deserve more.
Posted by Caitlin on December 29, 2011 at 4:50 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
Being alone is not so bad. It may take practice, but you can do it. A person who demands that you put up with abuse in order to stay with him is not worth it. A person worth staying with does not abuse. Every child, male and female, needs to learn this.
If being alone is scarier than protecting yourself and your children, please call the shelter. Even if you don't stay at a shelter, you need to talk to someone.
Posted by Karen L. on December 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm | permalink |
He's not going to stop hurting you. He may take breaks from it, but he clearly thinks that it's OK – and to hurt you for talking to much is a really stupid excuse, like throwing a drink at someone just because you don't like their outfit. The way the violence works is that eventually this Farmer of yours is going to kill you.
And then your kids will miss you. But there's a good chance he'll kill them, too. That's just the way abuse pathology works, sorry.
Posted by Diana on December 29, 2011 at 5:19 pm | permalink |
Penelope, please leave this man! For you and for your kids.
I understand your feelings as I know a thing or two about guilt. I'm a child of domestic violence myself. I saw my dad kill my mum in one 'more' episode of domestic violence that turned out to be the last and even with regular therapy (5 years and counting) I still can't deal with the feeling of guilt of not being able to 'save her'.
Don't think you deserve it and avoid exposing your kids to this, it will damage them. Break the cycle.
Posted by Maria on December 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm | permalink |
IT REALLY IS A SHAME THESE LOUSY DIGITAL CAMERAS DON'T GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE MORE THAN ONE SHOT… A SHOT THAT IS NOT ONLY DISTURBINGLY REMINISCENT OT THE GRADUATE POSE, BUT ALSO JUST HAPPENS TO SHOW 90% "SKIN", WHILE barely SLIPPING IN A VIEW OF THE BRUISE W-A-Y OVER THERE AT THE EDGE.
YOU'RE VERY GOOD AT THIS.
Posted by Bill on December 29, 2011 at 5:35 pm | permalink |
Penelope is lying.
I am not sure why I feel this way, but I do not trust Penelope. She has told many different lies and has exaggerated a great deal with the stories she tells. She has run out of advice about careers so now she has fully resorted to drama.
It is sad when women fake abuse and violence to gain attention. She might as well said that the Farmer raped her too: that would have made the story more juicy.
The only unfortunate part of this story is that so many gullible people believe it. Stop falling for lies. Your heart is in the wrong place. Penelope has experienced no abuse whatsoever. Please save all of your advice and tears for people that are really going through abuse.
Stop lying, Penelope.
Posted by Yadgyu on December 29, 2011 at 5:40 pm | permalink |
You are in a very tough situation. On one hand, you obviously value the stability, work ethic, and sense of family and community which the farmer brings to your life and to the life of your kids. Otherwise you would have left him long ago.
And you are painfully aware of what happens to stability, home life, and sense of community for you and your kids when you are on your own. Otherwise you would have returned to living alone long ago.
You also obviously have no idea how much men hate the amount of talking which you need. And you have not built any habits to limit that. Otherwise you would not put yourself tightly into a man's life.
The hard questions: Are all the benefits of this relationship worth the violence and the risks of serious personal injury? Will the benefits of this relationship accrue and crystallize for you and your kids before you are seriously damaged physically? Will the natural decline of testosterone in the farmer result in diminished responses to annoyances or frustrations of any kind, and will that happen in time for you and the kids to benefit from the good sides of the relationship without being damaged irreparably by the bad sides? Only you can answer these questions the best.
I hope to continue reading your insights, comments, and stories on work and life for a very long time.
Posted by Joginderpal Shivarama on December 29, 2011 at 5:47 pm | permalink |
Dear Penelope:
I grew up in a dysfunctional family and learned patterns of non-communication and avoidance. I spent most of my life not able to feel my feelings, express my feelings, or even at times understand my feelings.
My relationships had no relating or communication, and were passive aggressive in nature.
40 years ago I hit my first wife. I never did it again but it was epic fail. 4 years ago I divorced a woman who was very emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive. There were many red flags early on but I was still locked into the mode of being imprinted on me by my parents. Avoid avoid avoid.
It took her suggesting I commit suicide to knock me out of my self induced emotional stupor. I am sure she has a personality disorder in hind sight.
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different response. If you truly wish to move on it requires the courage to accept that the way you are is not working.
To change the world change yourself.
NOW is the time to leave and move on. Anything else is enabling to the abuser and a wrong message to yourself and your children.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" -Anaïs Nin:
I sometimes think that my life has proceeded by way of a series of breakdowns and reconstructions. -Bodhipaksa
This moment is the beginning of the rest of my life. What path will I choose. -ME
Posted by Martyn on December 29, 2011 at 5:47 pm | permalink |
Blogs, Bruises, Butts and Bullshit?
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit. Everyone knows this. Each of us contributes her share. But we tend to take the situation for granted. Most people are rather confident of their ability to recognize bullshit and to avoid being taken in by it. So the phenomenon has not aroused much deliberate concern. We have no clear understanding of what bullshit is, why there is so much of it, or what functions it serves. And we lack a conscientiously developed appreciation of what it means to us. In other words – we have no theory.
It seems that bullshitters misrepresent themselves to their audience not as liars do, that is, by deliberately making false claims about what is true. In fact, bullshit need not be untrue at all.
Rather, bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true. They quietly change the rules governing their end of the conversation so that claims about truth and falsity are irrelevant.
Although bullshit can take many innocent forms, excessive indulgence in it can eventually undermine the practitioner's capacity to tell the truth in a way that lying does not. Liars at least acknowledge that it matters what is true. By virtue of this, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.
Examples "I think I'm dying." "I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think." "This might be true."
Most blogs are complete bullshit. Blogs, Bruises, Butts and Bullshit. Oh, sorry, that's my bullshit detector.
The Blog BS Detector
Posted by The Blog BS Detector on December 29, 2011 at 5:49 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
I don't know you, and only discovered your blog today. I was reading through a number of articles and thoroughly enjoying it, then decided to click "Home." Well, it took me a minute to figure out that probably really is your hip, and that you weren't going to pull a "and then I woke up" twist on us. That you were being real.
For those who are like "WTF? How is this about career blogging?" Well, it is obviously very much about what its title says it is about, "The Psychology of Quitting." If they don't like reading about it, they don't have to. But if they do read it, you've left them little choice but to deal with it.
This was incredibly brave of you. Writing takes courage. You've got bunches. Now, scrape up some of that same courage you used to write this and clieck "publish," and apply it to your situation. I'm pretty sure you know what you need to do. It is time to do it.
~ Mark
Posted by Mark Anthony on December 29, 2011 at 5:55 pm | permalink |
your kids are going to miss you when your husband eventually kills you.
they will not have a mother.
move out and move on, for your kids. so they don't have to miss you.
Posted by aje on December 29, 2011 at 6:00 pm | permalink |
Penelope, what would you tell Melissa or another dear friend of yours if this were HER story? What advice – if any – would you give to someone who showed you this bruise? Please treat yourself the same way you would treat your best friend. Through your posts, I have come to like the Farmer very much. I enjoy reading about the changes he has brought to your life and the lives of your sons. However, your relationship has undeniably unraveled. I'm guessing neither of you wanted things to elevate to this level and for that, I'm very sorry for both of you. Do you think it's possible for you both to find happiness and safety in this relationship again?
Posted by Lauren Milligan on December 29, 2011 at 6:01 pm | permalink |
There are no easy solutions to complicated problems. Good luck.
Posted by kristen on December 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm | permalink |
I hope you leave.
I feel like I'm really slow but this just clarified something for me. The posts of yours that have always driven me insane were any where you talked about women and men – what you said made no sense to me (I didn't recognize the men and women I knew in them) and made me so sad because it seemed clear that you didn't like women, didn't value women, were convinced on some level that women were less. Now it seems clear – you don't like or value yourself, how you feel about women as a group is just spill over. That's why a woman's opinion or validation will never be as important to you as a man's.
And now I think, well okay, you can think whatever about women in general (though I'm glad your kids are boys) – but please for the love of God work on valuing and loving yourself. You are valuable – not because the Farmer will miss you, your value is not dependent on his opinion, you are valuable and you can be happy without him and far away from him.
Posted by Guest on December 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm | permalink |
Interesting comment. I think you've clarified the feelings/thoughts I had whenever I would read one of P's posts about women and men and what women's roles should (inevitably) be.
They would always frustrate me but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Like you say, they never seemed to correlate with the men/women I know (oh sure, some, but not as a rule).
Anyway, thank you for your perspective here.
Posted by Pen on December 30, 2011 at 11:56 am | permalink |
The farmer is an abuser. PERIOD.
He has not one shred of awareness that he has anger issues and that well-adjusted people get that even when other people's words or actions upset us, it doesn't give us a license to behave badly. And beating up someone else is acting very, very badly.
I know, you get this–at least intellectually. And after these incidents, it seems like you feel this truth emotionally too. Based on what you'll said in postings over the years, though, you have some deep patterns of woundedness that can make it hard to act on what you know.
I'm glad you are in a hotel. That is a good first step. Get reinforcements…meaning someone who can help you find someplace else you and the kids can stay.
And while I don't feel you should bet on therapy with the Farmer being the answer for now (sounds like he hasn't hit his personal bottom to be open and ready to make changes in his life), you and the kids need to do it for yourselves.
May a path open and your load lighten…all the best.
Sending
Posted by Gayle on December 29, 2011 at 6:18 pm | permalink |
I just listened to a podcast in which you kept nailing some guy on his bullshit and lies about what he wanted to do. You made him realize that he's been telling himself this elaborate story about why he's blogging and it's bullshit. He doesn't know what he wants to do.
And I am thinking if you read this story you have written (not as giving advice to a girlfriend because really, that is not your forte), you'd press yourself the same way on your reason for not leaving.
You want to be missed? Volunteer at an old folks home or with developmentally delayed kids. Then don't show up. You'll be missed.
But that's not the real reason, is it?
Now's the time to use your honesty, not put it on hold.
Why don't you want to leave?
Posted by Chris McLaughlin on December 29, 2011 at 6:20 pm | permalink |
Leaving an abusive family member is one of the hardest things for a human being to do.
Your parents trained you to feel "at home" in violence. They were wrong. They were bad parents to you.
You have to decide now whether to be a good parent or a bad parent to your children. If you go back to "normal" you will be as bad a parent to your kids as your parents were to you. If you want to do better for your kids than was done to you, then call a women's shelter to get advice on where you can go and what you can do to keep your kids away from him. Oh, and you too….but we both know you care more about your kids than you do yourself, so appealing to your self esteem is a waste of time. You don't value your needs. OK, fine; hopefully someday you will; until then, protect your children by taking them with you and getting to safety.
First step: temporary safety. Second step: working toward permanent safety.
Posted by VHM on December 29, 2011 at 6:33 pm | permalink |
It may be your fault. You may not have great social skills and be drawn into relationships that have a lot of drama. I don't think that means you shouldn't leave. It's bad chemistry with your husband who also has some responsibility.
Don't put your kids through this. Be a good example and leave a bad situation even though it's hard.
Posted by GingerR on December 29, 2011 at 6:36 pm | permalink |
I don't have anything profound to say except that I'm incredibly sorry you're going through this.
You are a superb writer and there are obviously many people who care about you. You are smart and insightful. Trust your instincts.
Posted by Paul on December 29, 2011 at 7:22 pm | permalink |
Here's why I left… I left because someone asked me if I wanted to show my little sister it was ok to be in a relationship like that. And then someone told me, "he can't get better if you don't tell him he needs to by leaving." Those two things made sense to me. Because he wasn't changing while I was there. Maybe if I left he would change?
Also… I could never write that he beat me up. I used to say that he didn't hit that hard. And he didn't mean to push me down the stairs. Usually.
Here's the thing that I really really know… it doesn't get better when you stay.
Posted by Kristie on December 29, 2011 at 7:24 pm | permalink |
Hi Penelope,
I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry this is how it is right now.
I wish I had more to say. But I can't believe saying anything other then I'm sorry and I am praying for you would be honest.
And I hope today was better than yesterday.
~r
Posted by Remy Schrader on December 29, 2011 at 7:31 pm | permalink |
"That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me."
You said it yourself. Your children would miss you, horribly. Your children love you as much as you love them. You already have somebody who would miss you like oxygen.
You, all by yourself, are worth more than you realize right now. But right now, remember that your children love you and value you and think you're very very important, and that *they* would miss you terribly if the Farmer killed you.
Yes, killed you.
Posted by Madame Hardy on December 29, 2011 at 7:38 pm | permalink |
I'm sorry for the situation you're describing. I remember that your blog helped me a lot when I was feeling bad.. you taught me how to positively analyse a problem, understand what was really important in my life and find a solution to the problem in line with my priorities.. Thank you
Posted by Riccardo on December 29, 2011 at 7:59 pm | permalink |
Drama queen.
Posted by YOHAMI on December 29, 2011 at 8:00 pm | permalink |
I see you. I miss you when you are away.
Posted by Elocin on December 29, 2011 at 8:02 pm | permalink |
Dear Penelope,
You are a superstar.
I miss you.
You should go live with James Altucher.
Or you could bring your kids to Halifax. I will give you a free yoga lesson.
Or go to Montréal and stay with my friend Simon: dawsonkid@gmail.com or girardsimon79@gmail.com.
I'll say it again: I miss you so much.
Sincerely, Erica slash Exuberant J. Bodhisattva. xoxo.
Posted by Erica Schmidt on December 29, 2011 at 8:03 pm | permalink |
You will relate to this Savage Garden song – Two Beds and a Coffee Machine
Hope you get out sooner than later.
Posted by JMDM on December 29, 2011 at 8:14 pm | permalink |
You can come visit us at the beach in Venice, CA. The couch sleeps 3 people and it's 75 degrees out today. Just sayin….
Posted by ISABELLA on December 29, 2011 at 8:41 pm | permalink |
I've always admired your ability to put your ass on the line – though I never meant it literally. But regardless, you're a brave, expressive woman.
As someone who writes about personal matters myself, I often wonder whether the attention I get online is ultimately helpful. It strokes the ego, but does it address the loneliness? It's like eating Pringles when you need veggies. Virtual Pringles at that.
With that said, creative people often write their way out of a problem. I've often completely let something go after writing about it, simply by expressing it. It's transformative and akin to magic. So while your situation isn't that simple, perhaps its a step of the letting go process.
I also love that you've broken the boundaries of a "career blog" and enveloped the idea that we're humans with a messy life trying to figure it out. It's ALL part of the picture. You're bearing it all. Baring it all.
But often I've felt – and perhaps you have – I'm bearing it all for people who can't. Like some emotional martyr. It can feel gross and self-exploitative at times. Especially on the Internet, vast wasteland of bored and bleary vampirical souls.
At the Jersey shore, alone and isolated, I too often feel the need to get the hell out of Dodge before this place eats me alive. The beauty of it only confuses me more, seduces me into a stately mid-state death.
When I read your material, I do wonder whether lively, crazy wild bitches such as ourselves deserve to be elsewhere. Deserve to be celebrated and shedding those old, tired victim/childhood/bullshit skins. Instead of ye olde "therapy" why not a ramped up, vitalized life where we're surrounded by blazing hot people who feed us energetically as we feed others?
The photo. Sure I felt it was a little over the top. But shouldn't any real artist push the envelope? Kudos to you for doing this during a trying period. Just don't eat too many Pringles here. You're still hungry. So am I.
Posted by Beth Mann on December 29, 2011 at 8:48 pm | permalink |
;-(
Posted by J Rush on December 29, 2011 at 8:52 pm | permalink |
You know this, but get out. Of course it's not your fault. He's an adult, he knows not to hit. My 4-year-old knows that. And you know you are responsible for yourself and your kids. Get out. Yeah, it's hard, it sucks, but you have to do it. Now.
Posted by Mel on December 29, 2011 at 8:57 pm | permalink |
Dear Mom,
We miss you now and every time he hurts you.
We miss the strong, confident woman that makes sacrifices everyday to homeschool us because you think its the right thing for us.
We miss a stable, loving home.
Please hear us even though we may not have the words or courage to say it.
Posted by bettyboop on December 29, 2011 at 9:03 pm | permalink |
Maybe it is your fault, maybe it isn't, but it makes no difference: if it IS your fault (in whatever way) then you need to take responsability and leave, to put and end to the violence. If it is NOT your fault, then you need to leave, to end the violence, as an act of respect, love, and compassion for yourself and your children.
Posted by Jeff on December 29, 2011 at 9:36 pm | permalink |
If you haven't heard or read about the cycle of violence, please do some research. Two cycles — one familial/generational, and the other between the actual partners. I think its empowering to be educated about the undercurrents at violence and abuse. You are far too smart to be caught (and to trap your kids) in cycles.
Posted by vivica on December 29, 2011 at 10:05 pm | permalink |
If you can read french, this post is for you…
http://effetdepresence.blogspot.com/2011/12/la-blogosphere-au-dela-des-convenances.html
Posted by Paule on December 29, 2011 at 10:11 pm | permalink |
I know why you posted that naked picture of your bruised hip.
It talks about what you always want to talk about: reality, sex, esthetics and pain. When people are outraged about seeing the naked butt of a woman over 40 (over a post about anything), that's part of the discourse. When they're outraged about the butt and citing it as a reason not to give you credibility or to stop reading, that's part of the discourse, too. When they like the butt and don't know what to say about the abuse, that all goes into the percolator.
(That, and I think that at this point you just don't like taking ugly pictures when you don't have to.)
I'm concerned about my friend who is in abusive relationship. I don't know how to help her. I think it's OK, though, to love the farmer and still leave him. If he's abusive, he needs help just as much as you do, if a different kind…help that you can't give. I should know. I relate to his position more than I'd like to admit.
Posted by Another Andrea on December 29, 2011 at 10:33 pm | permalink |
You need and want the Farmer because with him you have recreated the same dynamic as your childhood. He abuses you & blames you for the abuse the same way your parents did.
As much as something inside you craves that dynamic, it is not right. It will never make you happy. It didn't make you happy as a child, and it won't now.
You do need to work on yourself, and learn better interpersonal & relationship skills.
But first you need to leave the Farmer. He will never give you what you want.
I say this because I have been in your shoes.
This is the time to follow your head and not your heart.
Posted by Sarah-lucy on December 29, 2011 at 10:41 pm | permalink |
I don't know you. I find your advice misguided. But really, if anything you have said in this post about the actions of your partner are true… get away from this guy. If you find yourself rationalizing it's time to go.
Posted by Tom on December 29, 2011 at 10:42 pm | permalink |
Penelope – I just want to tell you, there is no person on this earth who is easy to live with/be married to. Marriage is hard and many people divorce because of it. And plenty of people also have awful communication skills. So we know there are tons of people out there who are hard to live with (because everyone is) and also suck at communication (because couples therapy exists). But none of those people, including you, deserve to be physically harmed. There are plenty of hard-to-live-with people with poor communications skills out there, married, maybe happily, maybe unhappily, who are not getting the shit kicked out of them.
The Farmer has plenty of options to deal with your hard-to-live-withness. As people have mentioned he could stop talking to you, leave the room, kick you off the farm, change the locks, hit some drywall or inanimate object,go whine to his parents, go whine to a blog…the options are endless, and those aren't even dipping into the constructive options. Instead, he chooses to beat you. That tells you that he is not interested in solving the problem of beating you. The problem of beating you is the easiest one to solve of all your relationship problems – he could just stop doing it. It's not rocket science. You aren't forcing him to beat you. He doesn't love you enough to do that one, simple, easy thing. So your relationship is never going to improve. This is the best you can ever hope for from The Farmer: a man who will continue to beat you because he cares so little about you he cannot leave a fight without hurting you physically and mentally.
But the best you can hope for from someone else is so much more than this. Consider even your ex, you were just as hard to live with when you were married before, and he managed not to beat you. So you know it's possible to do better.
Posted by Jiggs on December 29, 2011 at 10:42 pm | permalink |
nice ass.
Posted by john on December 29, 2011 at 10:42 pm | permalink |
I can't offer a solution: I know all too well the dark, vacuous insatiable soul-wound that cries to be fed and filled. I can't heal the wound; I can't give you anything that hasn't already been given in spades.
You don't know me. I've read your blog for years, commented occasionally. Recently I've found the courage to abandon my safer ambitions and take a shot at starting my own company. It feels reckless, and crazy, and impossible, and like the most logical choice imaginable because I think I have an answer to a problem that I can't believe no one else has thought of yet.
I just turned 30. Children are on the horizon. I'm terrified.
Your blog gives me courage. You give me ideas that I can use because you speak my ENTP language. I value your thoughts and I admire your tenacity. Your alchemy of logic, insight and honesty is invaluable to me.
I can't heal the wound and I can't fill the vacuum, but I can offer this: I value you. I need you. I would miss you immeasurably. I can offer that balm, for what it's worth. I hope it helps.
Posted by Jean on December 29, 2011 at 10:47 pm | permalink |
Laura Schlesinger said that if a man(boyfriend or husband) ever hit her just ONCE, should would break up/leave and never go back. That was her advice to abused women.
Meaning, there would be no second or any other times she would be hit.
Question: Shouldn't at minimum you stay away until the farmer comes begging, with the understanding, the next time WILL be the LAST TIME?
I read in a biography of Aristole Onasiss that he was having a big fight with his wife or girlfriend with him hitting her in his bedroom. The guy who heard this was a guest on Aristole's boat heard it while passing the bedroom door, unbeknowst to Aristole.
He hesitated, but it got so violent, he was about to break in a stop him, when they suddenly made up and started having passionate sex.
Some people fight before they have sex because it makes the sex more intense, more passionate, more exciting.
Is this you?
One can deduce from your blog that you are doing the same thing Aristole and his lover did, but in a longer format.
Posted by wonderwhatthe on December 30, 2011 at 12:15 am | permalink |
Oh, sorry, delayed refresh,
I apologize.
Posted by wonderwhatthe on December 30, 2011 at 12:41 am | permalink |
this reminds me of me, my parents, my childhood, my life now.. no advice, just understanding.
Posted by amy on December 30, 2011 at 12:44 am | permalink |
How does a blog like this one make money? Just by plain traffic, or do you have to click the links with the ads?
Posted by Spinning on December 30, 2011 at 1:18 am | permalink |
Maybe that photo has some hope in it. If the subconscious goal was to present something attractive to other men… Well I am no man, but I am assuming it was achieved!
So the good news is that the photo might just be showing us Penelope's desire to be attractive to OTHER men. Men other than the Farmer. Which indicates that at least somewhere in the complex depths, Penelope is gearing up to start moving on.
Posted by Abigail Gorton on December 30, 2011 at 1:19 am | permalink |
You keep repeating the 'drama' that nobody cares about you.
This is your construct you keep creating situations in your personal relationships and even with your career (no one cares about you at brazen careerist).
It is a false belief that you have abut yourself, it is not true but you have believed it to be and subconsciously, you are keep creating situations to reinforce it.
You were not born with that belief or construct, you have picked it up and chosen to believe it yourself.
On your blog here you have hundreds if not thousands who care about you. The work you could benefit from is trying to identify the first time you had that belief and then forgive yourself for allowing you to believe a lie all your life.
Best wishes
Gavin Allinson
Posted by Gavin on December 30, 2011 at 2:18 am | permalink |
You wrote "I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I'm pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, "Why would I leave him when it's all my fault?"
I think you are self delusional, that what is really keeping you there is a compulsive need to replay out your childhood violence and make it all come out right this time, to prove that you are loved after all and to prove that you would be missed.
Even if it were ALL your fault, why is that even relevant? There is not some life rule that says you can only leave when it's not your fault. There is no rule that you are somehow or other obligated to stay. They are just false rationalizations in your head.
Do you want your boys to hear you saying "Yes please, take them away" when the Police or CPS or your ex removes them from your custody because it is no longer safe for them to live with you? You can't leave because you want the Farmer to miss you? That's not poignant, it's self-deceiving, self-indulgent, selfish nonsense.
What's so wrong with quitting a bad situation? Would you advocate someone staying in a bad job or in an unfulfilling career or living in a bad city? Why would a personal relationship be any different?
Choosing physical and emotional well-being for yourself and your children instead of risking your or their injury or death is NOT quitting, it's making a positive move in a more healthy direction.
If you can't re-frame "quitting" on your resume of life, you will have lost the right to give any further advice to anyone about anything, career related or otherwise, because your actions (or lack thereof) and your self-deception will invalidate the words that you write.
You are in danger of losing everything you value most including your children, your voice, your blog, your readership, your career and your livelihood.
You're at a crossroads. Choose wisely.
Posted by The Good Mother on December 30, 2011 at 2:49 am | permalink |
I love you Penelope. Please take a wise decision re: what happened , exactly as you always advise us to do re: our careers. I know this might be devastating to you, but it needn't be. this can be a learning experience to you as to what you DON'T want to have in your next relationship. be strong, we love you.
Please move forward.
Posted by mona on December 30, 2011 at 3:05 am | permalink |
after posting last night, i subscribed to the responses, and have read every comment you've received since you posted two days ago — as i suppose you have done. overwhelming.
looks like this will be post #444; it would be good to hear from you right about now. you've given us an opportunity to respond to your situation, and i'm thinking there's not much more we can say. just let us know you're still here. you can get into details some other time, if you wish.
Posted by zan on December 30, 2011 at 3:55 am | permalink |
Leave. No more analyzing. You are hurting your children by staying.
Posted by Laura Brown on December 30, 2011 at 6:42 am | permalink |
It seems you lost a lot of weight! Congrats!
Posted by Passingby on December 30, 2011 at 6:53 am | permalink |
Listen Chickie, It's simple. Not easy, but simple. You do not have a choice here, you must leave. There is no decision to be made so stop wasting your beautiful mind into trying to make this a decision. The Farmer is not going to change. You have children who will grow up to think this is ok if you let it continue. Worse yet, you will be raising them to think that treating their wife like that is ok. Do you want your boys to be bad husbands? Of course you don't. See what I mean? You have no choice. BTW, this has very little to do with how you are as a person, it simply means the farmer is not the right guy for you. You are not good together, that is all. Regarding your Brazen careerist comment, I have taken 2 of the courses so far and YOU are always the best part of those courses, so don't kid yourself that things have not changed over there with you gone. You are an idea-machine and they would flourish even more upon your return, so if that is what you want, make it happen.
Posted by Help4newmoms on December 30, 2011 at 8:09 am | permalink |
Everything has been said many times over.
But this has only been said once: that your son(s) may hit YOU one day, remembering that the Farmer got away with it. I have seen this happen to a friend of mine, once her son became a strapping teenager. She had to call the cops on him many times. He punched the door in when she locked him out of the house . . . You never know how the dominoes will fall–it could happen with your beautiful tender boys, too. So, limit the likelihood by removing yourself from this situation.
One other suggestion: coming from the person who thought you and the Farmer might continue in therapy after you are out of the house. To me, there is only one reason to stay in therapy. That reason is to get/give apologies and forgive–from afar. Therapy cannot bring you back into the house. It is too dangerous and too much of a confusing message for the boys. Don't go back for any reason. The contract is irretrievably broken. Don't even go back for your things, unless there is a mediator, or police there when you go back. Seriously.
Penelope, though you may not believe you are "worthy" of being treated like a queen, you must believe that you will beat the odds, that you are some kind of beat-the-odds superwoman? You can make the impossible possible? No and No. It is too much a dangerous game to believe this and try to be the one in a million that can salvage a situation that is this bad. Dangerous x3, for you and for the 2 beautiful tender boys.
Posted by chris on December 30, 2011 at 8:23 am | permalink |
You are precious. You are loved. No one has the right to make you feel as if you can't be loved and adored just as you are. Even your own family. And one person made a cruel comment about your kids being taken away from you, please ignore that….whoever said that was flat out wrong. You have done nothing that would make that even a possibility. You have removed yourself from the home where you were being abused. You are a wonderful mother. I know you are. Just keep yourself away from any man who does not treasure you. The responses to your blog post are helping me find more clarity with a dysfunctional friendship that am currently in, your situation and your navigation out of it and into a better space in your life will help thousands. Truly. We love you Penelope.
Posted by Mary Beth Williams on December 30, 2011 at 8:24 am | permalink |
How is your ex reading these things and allowing your kids to stay under your care? I don't mean this to sound harsh, I am just genuinely curious. Does he read your blog?
Posted by Kate on December 30, 2011 at 8:32 am | permalink |
break. the. chain.
if not for you, for your children, and their children, and their children ….
Posted by td on December 30, 2011 at 8:33 am | permalink |
This is a post traumatic blog. She is rambling, she is confused, and she needs to speak with someone about the trauma. Penelope needs help not criticism, not bashing. I hope you get the help you need Penelope. I wish you well!!!
Posted by Bryan on December 30, 2011 at 9:24 am | permalink |
Penelope,
I am deeply moved.
I am saddened by your situation I am stunned by the context within which you write this – a career blog I think, this post is my introduction to you. I am awed by your courage in writing this.
I don't know what to say to you. I am moved to say something. I certainly have no advice. All I can think of is to share my own experience for what it may, or may not, be worth.
About 20 years ago I found myself in a situation of joblessness and since I had learned so much in my previous job as a career counselor and job coach, I thought I would journal and share my own experience in moving forward in the first person. As there were already lots of 'how to' books out there my feeling was that one that dealt with this 'from the inside' might be helpful to some. My intent was to be very open and honest and include my feelings and thoughts as well as my actions… and personal, embarrassing, as well as public actions.
Then came the tough decisions. Does that include sleeping in and missing an appointment? My drinking the night before? My remorse and deepening depression? My sliding self-esteem? How much of my 'double life' do I reveal? What help could it be to anyone if I couldn't get my own act together?…
I decided that In a complete reversal to my previous habit of presenting a more positive front to the world, that I would write all warts and all. The funny thing is that I wanted to reduce the embarrassing not-so-nice things and write a story that would result in a success, so I found myself trying to address these non-finding-a-job issues in a way that I'd never done before.
Strange. For some reason I somehow had never thought that they were worth getting serious about before (or perhaps, *I* wasn't worth it). In the context of helping others in similar positions, though, I thought it was important that the book have a successful ending.
So every attempt, false start, every drunk, every missed opportunity, every slide down further got written. But so did the commitments I did keep: with the addictions counsellor, with the rehab centre, with myself.
I will spare you any more details (unless of course you ask) and fast forward: Today life is in colour compared to that previous black and white existence. I learned for the first time to feel 'comfortable in my own skin' I will soon celebrate 20 years in my new life. I could, but won't, go on further about how much my life turned around.
But why share this, especially in the context of your post?
- because despite the comments and advice of others (including counselors and well meaning friends) I was never able to see things about myself that others did. They call it 'denial' but that doesn't seem to fit the experience. I didn't feel like I was denying anything. If anything, it felt like it all lay in a part of me that was completely inaccessible to me.
- because where change in the lives of others have been triggered by a 'hitting bottom' in a traditional sense, my 'story' seemed and felt somewhat out of place. It wasn't an acute disaster or anything that worked for me. It was the simple act of deciding to get really and deeply honest with myself and others about things I'd kept to myself. It seems that in letting the secrets that I hid from others see the light of day, other, deeper, thruths then seemed to have the space to reveal themselves to me. By the way, this still happens: the more open I am with others, the more open deeper things become to me.
- because as I started out, I am awed by your courage and openness. I never did publish that book. It turned out that I had far more important things to do. Given the striking contrast of this post compared to what I see as the more professional current of your blog (or at least what I've seen so far), it seems to me (and I hope) that despite whatever you may feel about previous experiences, this bold honesty may unlock a path to a serenity that you so clearly deserve, and
Penelope, I you the best
…and keep going
Posted by Bill on December 30, 2011 at 9:46 am | permalink |
My last comment was so codependent and scolding. I just want to save you. You're so beautiful and bright and weird and brilliant. You can save yourself. You've done it before. You'll do it again.
Posted by Joselle on December 30, 2011 at 10:00 am | permalink |
Ayn Rand quote: The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.
Posted by Brenhna on December 30, 2011 at 10:29 am | permalink |
I'm a single, Gen Y business owner. I love your work; my career has grown fruitfully and meaningfully from your book, and the 2004-2008 entries. I'll withhold my thoughts on the kind of man your husband is…
We readers have the benefit of objectivity. Here are the facts:
–this character, The Farmer, comes from a bad family [it's how he was socialized, it's what he knows]
–he is emotionally immature
–he is violent
–your blog has been more Jerry Springer than Brazen Careerist for the past 3 years.
Once you've had some peace, some QT with the kids, and some good food, I think it's time you ask some difficult questions:
Are you holding on to a violent life, just to seek sympathy from your admiring fans?
Has this become more about the blog/the stories, than your life?
Are there other topics that you've dreamed of writing about?
What type of audiences do you want to write for?
Personally, I've love if you buy a one way ticket to Europe, and documented an adventure for awhile; or buy a camper and live on the road for a year. You're already home schooling, so why not have a life-changing field trip!?!
Posted by Pete on December 30, 2011 at 10:39 am | permalink |
That hotel has a good waxer. I'll be sure to visit if I am ever in Wisconsin.
Seriously everyone, this is not a true story. The lower bodies of adult women do not look like that without a lot of preparation.
The part about the police coming out is full of holes too.
Thanks for working hard to screw up homeschooling for the rest of us, Penelope, that's awesome!
Posted by Karen on December 30, 2011 at 10:57 am | permalink |
Oh come on, there's some truth to it. She has a bruise. Everything else is suspect.
Why does the farmer, a blogger himself who undoubtedly knows what is being written about him, continue to let her back into his house (yes, his house, Penelope is legally just a guest.) Only a fool would expose himself to more public accusations. Unless he's in on something we aren't.
She is a master at leaving questions unanswered, so as to let the readers project their own biases.
Posted by Brad on December 30, 2011 at 11:11 am | permalink |
I completely agree. There are so many holes in so many of her stories, and take a look at this earlier incarnation in which she is described as a satirist:
http://whoisadrienneeisen.blogspot.com/
She talks of sexual abuse at the hands of her father, but in an early post says he's a teacher now – sorry… what?
She claims to have been beaten repeatedly by her husband (except he's not because she doesn't pay her taxes) and posts naked shots of herself on the internet to prove it. Anyone who's suffered abuse, as I have, will tell you that doesn't add up. She claims to be in a hotel yet from her own photo obviously isn't.
The thing that makes it completely obvious though, is that her children apparently have a biological father somewhere who knows all this and has done nothing to remove them from her care. Nor have social services or the police.
The woman promotes a course, at the top of this very blog, in which paying customers can learn how to direct more traffic to their own blog – I don't know how much more obvious she has to make it.
Posted by Juliette on December 30, 2011 at 12:42 pm | permalink |
I wanted to cry the whole time I was reading this post. Please, please leave. For your kids. For yourself. For your readers who will miss you terribly if anything happens to you.
Posted by Jacquie on December 30, 2011 at 10:59 am | permalink |
Hi Penelope
It sounds like you're going through tough times right and my wish for you in 2012 is strength and peace for you and your children. You are a talented individual who deserves the best. I love your work and know that this situation will only make you stronger.
Warmest regards,
Eric
P.S. Cher is a great artist to listen to during rough times.
Posted by Eric on December 30, 2011 at 11:01 am | permalink |
Penelope~
Why are you not responding at all? Are you just waiting until the comments hit 500+?
It is time for an update or a new post, for all of us who are worried about you. If you care about us at all, you will give us some feedback as to what is happening. Please don't let the snarkers who are saying this is all a farce to drive traffic have more fodder.
Thank you!
Posted by Jessica on December 30, 2011 at 11:23 am | permalink |
This post is a perfect example of why I don't have a blog.
Posted by .L^ on December 30, 2011 at 11:31 am | permalink |
"And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills."
A more accurate statement would be – "And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor 'choosing men' skills."
I say this because regardless of your relationship skills, you won't have a good relationship if you're with a man who isn't a good fit. Your relationship skills alone will not make for a good relationship. A good relationship requires a good fit between two people as well as their willingness to accept each other for who they are and both be willing and able to make the effort and to find solutions as they appear.
"I kept thinking that I'd be better and they'd like me better."
You getting better is one thing. You have control over that. As far as 'they'd like me better' is a real maybe because you really don't know what they're looking for and there's really no effort or input on their part to make the relationship work. It's working on a relationship in a vacuum.
You can't make people care about you or miss you. Is it even worth trying? I just want to be treated like I treat other people. The chips will fall where they may and some people will care and miss you. Let your faith be your guide.
Wishing you a New Year better than this one!
Posted by Mark Wiehenstroer on December 30, 2011 at 11:33 am | permalink |
You may be hard to live with. Let's suppose that's god's honest truth while we talk about this. Let's even assume that you don't flush after you poo and that you track manure into the house on your boots and you don't clean up give a shit when you do it. And you're a crappy cook who doesn't know when to shut up. Let's assume all of those things are true.
The right solution for such a malady in your home is to ask it to leave. Couples therapy would be another solution. So would serving divorce papers.
The wrong solution is to try to hit it until it starts being easier to live with.
Being unmarried is better than being hit by someone who is poor at effective problem solving.
Posted by chaely on December 30, 2011 at 11:36 am | permalink |
She might have Borderline Personality Disorder, which quite common for women who suffered childhood abuse. People with BPD often feel addicted to drama and unworthy of love, and they take risks others wouldn't. There's an amazing therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which works wonders. I wholeheartedly recommend she look into it, at least for her children.
That's what I wrote on my friend's blog who linked to your story. My family has suffered so much from this disease, but there is help. You don't have to live like this anymore. People keep telling you to get help for your kids. Do it for you, too. You ARE worthy of love, even if your parents made you feel like you weren't.
Posted by A friend on December 30, 2011 at 12:32 pm | permalink |
One of you is gun powder and the other is a match. Doesn't matter which is which. And that combination isn't going to change with any amount of counseling, ever.
Apart you're probably both great people but together you don't mix — that reality is described by the history of your relationship that you've shared here.
You can't change him or 'make' him miss you so that you can feel you haven't wasted your time in the relationship, haven't made a huge mistake. Yes, his parents were right, your friends were right. He was right. Everyone rearranged their lives for a mistake. And that's not even the worst of it.
Your kids are going to grow up into adults. And speaking as an adult who grew up with a mother who *should* have been medicated, it has left me with this one thought about my childhood: Thank God I never have to do that again.
The kids need you now. But they may choose not to be in any kind of close relationship with you when they're older. For their own sanity. If you're not the most consistent thing in their lives, if you're not going to be their stability, they'll eventually find it elsewhere — and they definitely won't want to re-live your instability each time they see you. So they'll see you less and less.
So if you should be medicated, maybe that's not such a bad thing right now. If medication could stabilize you, it might be the best thing you could do for the boys.
Posted by c on December 30, 2011 at 12:43 pm | permalink |
You are getting one thing right Penelope, you put yourself there by moving in and staying so why don't you take that same power and turn it around and put yourself somewhere else not only for yourself but for the kids too. If you stay, you will never give another person a chance to miss you. Believe me, there is good people in the world that can meet you, like you and even love you, only if you learn to value yourself and GET OUT!
Posted by Rosana on December 30, 2011 at 1:05 pm | permalink |
Laughing for having tried do what your apparently trying. Articulate a relationship, with feelings. If you stop to determine the emotions that is when they are gone, like chasing a snakes tail, yeah you can catch it as soon you get in a boringly tight circle. Read Antonio Damasio's book on the feeling of emotions, he points out with examples why we cant know an emotion we are within, it just cant be done. I spent over a year reading the book to gain his perspective, but there are summaries of his book around you might see the truth of, maybe.
Having read your writings as far back they are on the net, I would recommend you find a true believer in christ, whom has had experience dealing with Narcissism\greed AND professes to biblical counseling such as John MacArthurs (Pastors Library) "How to Counsel Biblically". Looks like you guys could use some real light, excuse the pun.
Pray you well regardless your choice, but it is your choice.
Bless
Alan
All horses chose to drink or not, but us people? People know in their heart chosing not will be the death of them in the end, fact.
Posted by Alan on December 30, 2011 at 1:26 pm | permalink |
That's an ugly boo-boo on your hip. So you managed to piss off the Farmer enough to get shoved again, huh? Was that a goal? I mean, it's pretty clear from the pre- and post-nuptial escapades that you and Mr. Farmer have a 'tumultuous' relationship. You're not dumb, or inexperienced. So you're in this relationship because . . . you like it?
Yeah, you do. Because of all the subconscious abuse/rejection/daddy issues/blah blah blah . . . and the farm is a great place for the boys. I know. I grew up on one.
My first wife grew up in an abusive, acrimonious home. I didn't. She was attracted to me because I was emotionally stable and provided a sense of 'love security' that she'd always hoped for. But the ol' subconscious was working her over. She would try and try to make me angry, so I would explode at her (like her daddy used to explode). She didn't know what she was doing, she was just being comfortably her unconscious "self" in the relationship. Sometimes I would play along, be cross, spank her, etc. It made her so happy. And horny. There would be fights, we'd be apart, then we'd be together, then apart, etc. It was all so dramatic and fun. But we didn't have kids. Kids don't understand the game.
And, eventually, as she started to comprehend that a 'tumultuous' relationship wasn't healthy, her early realization wasn't that she sought to create abuse . . . it was that I was abusive. That was a tough one. We were too young to understand any of this at the time, and let's face it — owning up to an unconscious need to be abused/rejected/whatever takes a lot of courage and therapy. Most people just won't put in the work.
Point is, you can't play the game anymore, because of the boys. And its particularly dangerous for you, Aspie Girl, because . . .
You can't read the emotional cues from the Farmer when he's getting ready to explode.
First Wife had a huge emotional IQ, she'd be running away long before I could reach her. And had the good sense not to YAP YAP YAP close enough so that an involuntary lashing out in rage could hurt her.
I've been in several relationships where the woman kept trying to satisfy some unconscious need for abuse or humiliation. (The ozone layer just expanded from all the steam pouring out of female ears. Whatever. We men have to deal with the unconscious damages of the pre-feminist paradigm. It'll get better.)
I'd explain what I'd learned from my first marriage, and we'd set up a 'safe zone' where she could explore her unconscious needs. And I'd make damned sure it was a GAME, with a start and an END. That way it stayed out of sight of these women's kids. Eventually I'd get fed up with pretending to be abusive or uh, Dominant.
I dunno if your Farmer is sophisticated enough to help you work out your needs. But I'm pretty sure the current system isn't going to work out well. I'm also pretty sure he's not qualified to help you REPAIR the emotional damages you suffered as a girl. That's a LOT of work you have to do yourself. Emotional work. For an Aspie?
Yes, you can save the marriage. I don't believe the Farmer dialogs with his cows about new ways to beat you up. You're driving him nuts…crazy enough to physically hurt you. The usual emotional warnings don't work (Aspie). So get some safe words. If he says "Leave Me Alone" understand that it's not a request, its a warning. He lives out in the sticks for a reason. Schedule a time when its agreed that he will listen to you, attentively, yackity yackity yack because its the kind of communication a woman needs for relationship bonding. And not late at night, after the boys are in bed. Farmers have to get up early.
PS: I eventually married a woman with Martyr Syndrome, with tons of suppressed rage against men thanks to her abusive older siblings and 5 step-daddies. She bullies and mocks me, and if I talk back or disagree with her, she flies into an unholy rage. If I ever get angry, she rolls into victim/martyr mode. It's hell. But she knows that I know what's behind the drama. And I'll be damned if I'll walk out on my nine-year-old Aspie daughter.
Posted by Another Perspective on December 30, 2011 at 1:31 pm | permalink |
like
Posted by Hazel on December 30, 2011 at 2:09 pm | permalink |
@ Another perspective
This:
"yackity yackity yack"
and this
"He lives out in the sticks for a reason"
Too funny!Dude, you should have your own blog & dispense entretaining advice. Love your voice and thanks for the laughs.
Posted by The comments are the best on January 10, 2012 at 2:21 pm | permalink |
That bruise is nothing compared to the damage being inflicted on your children.
Start doing right by your kids and you'll do right by yourself.
Get it together before CPS does it for you.
M
Posted by NetM on December 30, 2011 at 1:45 pm | permalink |
A previous commenter on one of your long-ago posts about the Farmer wrote:
"No no no no, not this guy again. I honestly hate that when you write about him, I see every relationship me or my friends have had with a guy that turns out to be an asshole. An asshole that you try to change yourself for. I completely understand that every relationship requires compromise and censoring the thoughts that go through your head. But not in order to change yourself for someone who sounds like a controlling pubescent boy.
Posted by Jo on July 31, 2009 at 7:18 am
[http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/07/29/the-sign-of-a-great-career-is-having-great-opportunities-and-saying-no/#comment-190009}
Prescient.
Posted by Reminding Person on December 30, 2011 at 2:03 pm | permalink |
Everyone is saying: "Leave, leave for your kids, do it for the boys." That's like saying a woman without children doesn't have a reason to leave, as though she herself isn't enough of a reason to get out of a violent relationship.
I'm not going to lie–you seem like a huge pain in the ass to live with. It's okay; justifiable even. I know I'm a huge pain in the ass. But my husband would never dream of laying a finger on me in anger. Not because he knows I wouldn't stand for it but because it's not right. It's not even in the ball park of reasonable.
I'm not going to call you stupid for not going, as some commenters seem to have done. It probably feels like if you leave it'll be a failure. I know you're self-conscious about failure because you're a career-driven mother in America so it's written into your DNA. And yeah, maybe it is a type of failure. But that's just not a good enough reason to stay.
This post is not about the psychology of quitting. It's about the psychology of NOT quitting. When what you really need to do is FUCKING QUIT.
Posted by Nessa Speirs on December 30, 2011 at 2:09 pm | permalink |
This latest blog post is you seeking attention to fill a void. And that's not going to work. In a way, him hitting you provided you with a perfect outlet to gain the attention from others that tells you, you do matter. Which is fundamentally unsound.
What's the worst thing that will happen if someone doesn't miss you? Really, think about it? Emotionally you'll believe it means you don't have value. Intellectually, is that actually true? No, it isn't.
The reason people don't miss you is that you don't allow yourself to be missed. To allow that to happen you'd actually have to desist with behaviors that overwhelm people. There's a quote "love never died of starvation". It's true.
People don't miss people who are trying to fill an aching void with something outside of themselves. People miss people who give of themselves appropriately, have a strong sense of purpose and identity and who let loved ones know, that while they love them, their world doesn't revolve around them.
The farmer is frustrated. The relationship is over. Walk away and mean it. Salvage what dignity you have.
Busy yourself with finding a small acreage that you can have some chickens and a couple of goats on, perhaps even a pig. Tell the farmer you'd appreciate his help with setting that up. You'd also appreciate him distancing himself slowly from the children. What they don't need is to have the rug pulled out from under them.
He obviously hasn't hit them, but he's still not a good enough role model to be a permanent fixture in their lives. Make your plan. Take steps to make it happen.
You're not a moron. You are however incredibly needy. It makes you an energy vampire in relationships. Decide not to be in relationships that bring that out in you. Which means pretty much anything where intimacy is involved.
Only maintain relationships where there's an equal give and take. Immerse yourself in books and programs that help you develop your EQ.
But get a plan!
Posted by Sienna on December 30, 2011 at 2:38 pm | permalink |
Please get out now – no one deserves this
Posted by Mark on December 30, 2011 at 2:45 pm | permalink |
Firstly, Denial is "the inability to see" not a "refusal to see".
You're definitely in denial in that you have the inability to see what everyone sees immediately: that getting beat up by your spouse/significant other is absolutely wrong and intolerable. The problem is that you don't see what we see.
Clearly this is a learning lesson for you and unfortunately probably nothing will change until you decide to figure out what lesson the universe is trying to teach you. It may even get worse as the universe tends to raise the pressure, of which the point is to 'get' you to learn and change…but until you begin to 'see' I don't expect much from you, at least until the bruises get bigger and hurt a heck of a lot more.
The only one who can fix this is you and the fact that you posted about this means I think you are trying, so keep working on this. I'd say you've almost figured out why this is happening, so now the key is to take action and change. Inaction only leads to more of the same. Good luck and keep trying.
Posted by JRV on December 30, 2011 at 2:53 pm | permalink |
People who first saw "her ass" come to this blog for that reason – to see what Penelope is up to next and to judge. Those with empathy for others – and those who know how fucked up domestic violence is – saw a bruised woman first, not an "ass". Regardless of her methods, there is a person suffering here, asking for help the way she knows how. Leave her ass out of the fucking picture… there is a bigger problem here.
Posted by sandyb on December 30, 2011 at 3:59 pm | permalink |
ps, Penelope, wishing you safety and clear thinking. Good luck.
Posted by sandyb on December 30, 2011 at 4:00 pm | permalink |
Penelope, it doesn't matter right now who's fault this is. Violence hurts your whole family and all the people around you (both digitally and otherwise) who care about you. It won't end until you walk away. If you find it hard to convince yourself that you deserve better, then just remember that violence is not ok. Please walk away from this damaging relationship. By doing so, you will be setting a positive example for your children and for people everywhere who find themselves trapped in abusive relationships.
Posted by Mary on December 30, 2011 at 4:02 pm | permalink |
Well, we'll all miss you when you are dead by the Farmer's hand.
Seriously, have some self respect and get out. I'm sure it's difficult, but that's no excuse.
I have a son with Asperger's, so I understand you (as much as one person understand another by reading a blog)
Good luck.
Posted by Jason on December 30, 2011 at 4:05 pm | permalink |
penelope, like many others leaving messages here, i'm a longtime reader who has never left a comment… i don't think i'm qualified to tell you what to do, and i am a social worker who deals with dv all the time. only you know what to do. do you know that small place inside of yourself, the place in your gut that tells you the right thing? sometimes that place is hard to access when we're in the thick of our troubles, but if you can find it, you'll know the right thing, even if you don't want to know the answer. find a way to that place of intuition, and listen to what it tells you; that's my advice. also, if you haven't yet discovered dear sugar's advice column on the rumpus, do yourself a favor and go check it out. it'll help. sending lots of love your way.
Posted by someonewhocares on December 30, 2011 at 5:07 pm | permalink |
Wow, so many comments. I won't finish reading them all, but maybe you will. Look how many people care about you.
One quasi-OCD PTSD ASD gal to another: You have shit to do. This is stupid.
You have the right immediate, interim plan already. Kids. Hotel. Melissa. Now.
You could write a book proposal for New Year's Eve. Kids get cake. So you have focus on work and they have celebration. It's good to celebrate when you've made a big, important decision. Better to refocus on the next decisions, next.
You could look up your research on cities again. Correct your implementation if it was off before (because it got you to Madison). Move. Write.
Posted by katsprat on December 30, 2011 at 5:08 pm | permalink |
Not long ago I commented about how by homeschooling, I feared you were isolating your kids. Now I'm worrying that you're also isolating yourself. It's something abusers are said to do to their victims. Are you doing his work for him?
I'm glad you're at a hotel. I hope you take the next step.
Posted by Erin McJ on December 30, 2011 at 6:20 pm | permalink |
Penelope, quit. People here miss you. It's not worth going back. Take care of your kids. Move on. Don't blame yourself. Please
Posted by Gautam Ghosh on December 30, 2011 at 7:14 pm | permalink |
Regardless of why you may or may not wish to stay, leave for your kids. They shouldn't be exposed to this stuff or have that type of male role model. I'd feel terrible if my son(s) where ever the type to be violent toward their girlfriends/spouses.
Posted by Carina on December 30, 2011 at 7:52 pm | permalink |
I don't know what all these people are bitching about. A lot of people like being abused. You are in the PERFECT relationship for you. Enjoy your abuse fetish before some asshole calls CPS and/or the cops and ruins it for you!
Posted by Mike on December 30, 2011 at 8:02 pm | permalink |
Our backgrounds are very similar, and I totally feel you and understand when you say you want to be missed.
If it makes you feel any better I will miss you – along with all of your readers – if something horrible happens to you.
Please be safe. I know you don't feel like it right now (if ever), but you deserve happiness. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be missed. You may have a past and a history, but you are not broken…..not by a long shot.
Take the offers from your readers. Stay in the hotel. Do whatever it takes for you to stay safe.
We're here for you.
Posted by Robin on December 30, 2011 at 8:13 pm | permalink |
"If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your children.
Show them that violence is *not* okay by leaving."
I agree with this. Please find a safe place for yourself and your children now.
It seems that you've never been treated with the love, compassion and respect you richly deserve. I am sorry. I can see from your blog that you're an intelligent, beautiful woman and a devoted mom. I will be back soon to find out how you're doing.
Posted by Stephanie on December 30, 2011 at 8:13 pm | permalink |
It's so hard. But you are strong as fuck and you can leave him.
Abusive people can get worse with therapy…
All my love to you.
You are so brave and strong to share this. It really makes the world a better place when intimate partner violence is brought out into the open. We need to talk about it. Thank you for having this tough conversation with us.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
He choose to harm you. He is an abuser.
Good for you with going to the hotel.
Again, all my love to you.
Posted by afb1221 on December 30, 2011 at 8:18 pm | permalink |
And I just want to say, I agree with Diana above:
"He's not going to stop hurting you. He may take breaks from it, but he clearly thinks that it's OK"
She speaks truth.
Posted by afb1221 on December 30, 2011 at 8:19 pm | permalink |
I just found your blog tonight and after reading several enjoyable posts, I stumbled on this one. I don't know if this is a hoax, for real, or somewhere in between, but I must comment. Please, please, please do not return to this man. Please take your children elsewhere — to a friend's house or a family shelter. I realize that you are a success with this blog and a published book but you need help. You must get some coaching (which you say is essential for Aspbergers) to see that this situation is not ok, not normal, not healthy and not acceptable for you or your children.
You may also want to consider your photo that you've posted. You could take another that is just of the bruise.
Please listen to the overwhelming consensus of these comments and get some help.
Posted by C Holz on December 30, 2011 at 8:40 pm | permalink |
One thing no one has brought up is where is the children's biological father? If he reads this blog, why hasn't he come and removed his children from this f'ed up situation?
Posted by Mary on December 30, 2011 at 9:29 pm | permalink |
Please leave. Please look after yourself. I can't make you know that you deserve better, but you do. So do your kids. Please stay in the hotel. It is not some great mark of progress than he can go 2 months without beating you. Living in fear of that is not ever worth it. I've been there.
Posted by b on December 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm | permalink |
As I was reading your post I was also reading about this police officer who died tonight after responding to a domestic disturbance call:
http://www.startribune.com/local/136459938.html
He had three children. This kind of violence extends far and wide, and affects all. Me, too.
Posted by J on December 30, 2011 at 10:37 pm | permalink |
Your mileage may vary of course, but I got laid off from my high-pay high-stress very demanding job and couldn't find another one like it, so I ended up working as a clerk in a nursing home. It has been really good for me. I have to clock in at exactly 8, out at exactly 5. I take my lunch at the same time every day. I have varied tasks that keep me really busy. I work with a whole lot of caring nurturer types (as opposed to before when I worked with competetive business types and socially awkward geeks) and my social skills have really really improved.
The routine grounds me. I'm way over-qualified and I'm the best fucking clerk they've ever had, but I think I'm going to stay there. I was finally able to quit taking my meds and have been better without them. No incidents.
Get a routine. Keep busy. Work on formulaic socialization. It's great therapy.
Also, I really regret homeschooling my kids. It did not work out so well for them.
Posted by Penny on December 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm | permalink |
Is there anything you need?
Can I help?
Posted by Kate on December 30, 2011 at 11:05 pm | permalink |
Get out get out GET OUT! Run like you have never ran before!
I have been in your shoes. The farmer is sick no amount of counseling will cure him. He could very well be psychopath or a sociopath.
I had red flags pop up. They were bigger and bigger and I chose to ignore them. Until something so awful happened that I clearly see how mentaly sick this person is. I refuse to have contact with him and will call the police if he contacts me repeatedly. Your farmer sounds like he gains joy from giving you pain. RUN!!!!!!!
Posted by Linda on December 30, 2011 at 11:46 pm | permalink |
Aw you sound like you are crying while you write this. You have very toned legs though! Glass half way full
Posted by maria on December 30, 2011 at 11:54 pm | permalink |
Hi Penelope,
I try to avoid doing anything on the computer on the weekends, but I was sitting in bed thinking about your situation, and I had to respond now.
You have helped me, way, way more than you might ever know, with you blog, personal emails and more. I miss you.
I miss your posts. I thought you might be on vacation. I had no idea that your current situation is as it is.
I sent you a desperate email this past year. I felt trapped. You responded almost immediately. You told me (quite bluntly, with a later more gentle response) to leave a really bad work situation. I appreciate the blunt response. I can't believe in retrospect how much of a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem, it took, for me to convince myself to remain in that situation–I should have left MONTHS ago! It took me a few months after our interaction to get up the nerve (and maybe more?), but I did eventually leave. And I thank you. I am trying to get back to where I was confidence-wise before this situation, and while I am not there yet, I know that I will be soon. I am so much happier and while I am not sure what the future will bring, I know it will be ok.
The obvious advice is that you should do the same for your current situation. I feel that in many ways though that for personal circumstances, this is not easy. I've also been in your situation previously (i.e., something similar) and it is awful. I know that you want it to work out. I hope it can be worked out. What I don't know is if objectively if it can be. Here is where you can use your personality (etc.), to an advantage: maybe you can see objectively the outcome. Me, with my emotions, if I were in the same situation–I could not.
And honestly you have a fabulous body and could get any guy you want (of course!). You inspired me (indirectly) to run more than five miles today! For that I thank you. But most especially I want to thank you for all that you have done for me. I know it might seem small but it is not (also I got introduced to the blog of James Altucher, because of you, which has also helped me tremendously). Being super successful, and super-smart IQ wise does not mean that one will never get into these situations–I understand this–it makes no sense, but, I do understand this. Thank you for being so brave and courageous to share your world. I support you regardless of whatever path you choose.
Love. And please come back!
Posted by Lila26 on December 31, 2011 at 12:01 am | permalink |
My Mom married a man and I watched him beat her and scream at her for over 10 years.
By the time I left home at 17, I hated her fucking guts.
I hope that you fix this so that your kids don't wind up hating you, too.
Posted by Anonymous on December 31, 2011 at 12:18 am | permalink |
Come on P, you are way overdue to give us an update. Are you ok? Are the boys with you?
Can your ex offer any help to you? If not, how 'bout some of the venture vultures?
Are you back on the farm?
Please keep in touch.
Posted by Kusandra on December 31, 2011 at 12:21 am | permalink |
I miss you.
Posted by Edward Summers on December 31, 2011 at 12:24 am | permalink |
Well, my dear, this has been quite a ride. 24 hours ago, I didn't even know who you were until James Altucher posted about this in his blog. Thus began the Great Quest of trying to figure out what the flying frack led up to this. I've gone through a gamut of emotions, reactions, reflections, but mostly sheer outside observation especially reading through all of these comments to this post as well as the others re: your relationship. All of these people who are showing you such an outpouring of concern for your safety, sharing their own stories of surviving abusive relationships/childhoods. Pretty remarkable, if you ask me. I was struck, though, by a comment made to your lamp head hitting incident almost a year ago. She said, "My concern stems from that you're leaving your readers with being worried about your physical and emotional well being." I feel exactly the same way.
You responded with, "I wish there would not be so much feeling sorry for me. I feel like lots of people go through times like this. And I feel like since I have a track record of going through these times and coming out better for it, that it's okay to show it while it's happening.
The world is a lonely place if everyone hides this stuff."
Do you still feel this way? I have a feeling you do. I also have a feeling maybe you've already gone home. Maybe not. I have a feeling you know you are strong enough to figure you're way around and out of this however that looks like to you. But remember the comment by that woman last year, leaving your readers worried about you…Please keep that in mind – you are taking us on a journey with you, and we are all willing participants, but at the same time, hundreds of people are getting swept up in truly, genuine, sometimes alarming concern about you. I've been checking back here several times to see if you have posted anything else, even in the comments section. Would you respond to that the same way you did last year? Will you really be okay? You might want to let your readers know. Even if it is something as simple as "I'm safe."
Posted by Erin on December 31, 2011 at 12:33 am | permalink |
Penelope, you wrote a post over in your homeschooling blog about how it was OK for your kids to quit something. Just because you start something, you don't have to do it forever.
It's OK for you to quit too.
You don't have to stay in a relationship which is clearly not working for all concerned.
The most important lessons your boys are learning, come from you and the people around you. Don't let them learn that the violence they see and hear around them is OK.
Posted by Belladonna on December 31, 2011 at 12:35 am | permalink |
Yeah, I'm another one asking you to check in. If, for whatever reason, you can't access your blog then ask someone else to provide a quick update. Otherwise it's not cool to have posted something that now has HUNDREDS of folks worried without following up. Seriously.
And for those who have enjoyed pointing out that she is âwhoring' for media attention: I think it's safe to say that if that were indeed to be the case, she'd not get away with it with her career or âbrand' intact. Apparently she succeeded in gaining YOUR attention.
Posted by CHECK IN PLEASE on December 31, 2011 at 1:57 am | permalink |
Penelope — you know yourself best. It's a new year, and a new day.
You are the most important person in this equation. Then come the kids. And then everyone else you would like to take care of. But unless you are 100%, nothing else matters. Your career won't matter until you are comfortable with your physical and emotional boundaries. And the Farmer has absolutely no right to treat you this way.
I'm sure he's been lovely and sweet to you on so many occasions, and that he's been great with the children, but it's enough. Bid him farewell and move onto the next adventure. It's terrifying, but this blog tells me your life is a series of thrilling unknowns. It's time for the next one.
I know what you mean about feeling distance from everyone. And that your closest relationships are with your kids and your readers. We feel close to you too. You can do this. Take care of yourself, Penelope.
Posted by Bonnie on December 31, 2011 at 2:53 am | permalink |
I am now worried that P is actually dead. Women are killed when they leave, too.
Posted by Ailbhe on December 31, 2011 at 5:11 am | permalink |
Well, this story gets more and more interesting. Turns out that Penelope has a new book coming out on Feb. 26. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0789747987/?tag=brazecaree-20
I hate to say it, but this is starting to resemble a sick publicity stunt because WHERE is the father of those boys? What father would let his boys stay in that situation? And why won't she press charges? I mean, she's willing to talk about the situation on her blog and post a naked photo of herself. Now everyone knows. Why not take the next logical step? And why does the photo, as someone else pointed out, look as though she took it in her own bedroom? (Just a thought about that bruise: Having lived on a farm, I can attest to the fact that bruises like the one on her hip are not hard to get. All it takes is one goat shoving you up against a fence post or a bucket full of feed falling and landing on tender flesh to create spectacular bruises.)
Before some of you call me a troll or other nasty names, consider the Gay Girl in Damascus hoax. Thousands of people believed Amina was real and that she had been kidnapped and was being held in peril. Many of those people contacted the Syrian embassy and the U.S. government. Turns out that Amina was a character created by an American man, Tom MacMaster. In an ironic twist, Amina/Tom had a passionate email love affair with blogger Paula Brooks at Lez Get Real. The problem? Brooks ALSO was a hoax. "She" was a straight man named Bill Graber. I couldn't make this stuff up! It's too bizarre.
So for those of you who believe Penelope with your whole heart and who are pouring out your love and support, you may or may not be responding to a real crisis. It's the Internet, and as we all know, strange things can happen in the blogosphere.
Posted by H on December 31, 2011 at 7:01 am | permalink |
You are very smart!! i agree with you 100%.
well said!
Posted by maria on December 31, 2011 at 8:59 am | permalink |
If you are wondering when it is time to leave, that time would be NOW. Your marriage is over, you will be happier without it, eventually. Let the lawyers sort out the details.
Posted by Claire on December 31, 2011 at 7:37 am | permalink |
I look at the picture again. My eye goes to the door. Open it and walk through.
Posted by Joselle on December 31, 2011 at 8:02 am | permalink |
I agree with Celestial, who is a psychologist and from a Wisconsin farm. You never get out of his face, you keep him up all night talking non stop. Sounds like he was badgered and tormented and pushed into a corner until he shoved his way out. Your bruise is a hit onto the bed post. Could that have happened while he was trying to get away so as not to hurt you. Did he use the words "beat you up" or was it more like he won't have to push you away from him when you corner him and rant to him for hours on end. Look at it the other way. If he kept you up all night talking and talking and badgering you until you couldn;t take it anymore, would you shove him out of your way and try to get away. It sounds like you are also abusing him. The photo is inappropriate. Take it down and next time (or this time) get the police to document your injuries as they do it with intent to show battery, not a weird, naked ass in the air WTF kind of pose. The police will show more respect than you have shown yourself and your children with this image. Do you ever stop to think that your kids will read this one day. And they will be thinking that instead of making it better, mommy was laying in the floor taking photos of herself naked.
Even the most gentle animal will bite if threatened. I think you love him but you need to both get professional help.and also for the children who care for him and I worry that as they get to their teen years, so may keep them up all night in their face and make them feel cornered. You have very special issues Penelope and only a professional person can help you, him and the kids.
Posted by Maple Leaf on December 31, 2011 at 8:05 am | permalink |
From Penelope's own blog, there was this story called
"A case study in staying resilient: My divorce":
"There is extremely persuasive research that no one likes to hear, that says that kids do not notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage. In this seminal study, Judith Wallerstein tracked a large sample of children of divorce for 25 years. And she found that *unless there is violence in the home*, kids suffer more from parents getting a divorce than staying in a bad marriage. This research is what has kept me in my marriage. But now I am learning that marriage is a little like fertility in that I cannot control everything.
Listen to yourself in the quote above. And do what's best for your kids. No matter how hard it seems to you, it's most likely *much harder* for your kids than you are letting on. *You* are the parent, and you need to make some adult decisions here. For your kids. Don't make them end up like you have or grow up to treat their kids the way they have seen you and your husband treat each other. It will be an endless cycle you regret.
Posted by Christina on December 31, 2011 at 9:32 am | permalink |
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Penelope,
You should really read what Christina wrote. She is absolutely correct. You said it yourself "There is extremely persuasive research that no one likes to hear, that says that kids do not notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage. In this seminal study, Judith Wallerstein tracked a large sample of children of divorce for 25 years. And she found that unless there is violence in the home, kids suffer more from parents getting a divorce than staying in a bad marriage. This research is what has kept me in my marriage. But now I am learning that marriage is a little like fertility in that I cannot control everything."
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Posted by Trevor on December 31, 2011 at 9:49 am | permalink |
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND.
It's common for victims of abuse to feel that they are deserving of their treatment and that they are unworthy. *It isn't true — you deserve so much more than this*. And your kids do as well.
It will never get better — please do not give him another chance to hurt you or your children.
YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE MORE
Posted by April on December 31, 2011 at 10:11 am | permalink |
Someone with borderline personality disorder is likely to display a number of the following symptoms:
—unstable moods or sudden, severe mood swings
—"splitting," during which the sufferer suddenly changes opinions about another person (i.e. they will go from great love and adoration for a person to extreme hatred for that person)
—extreme behaviors, including binge eating, excessive spending, or risky sexual relations
—frequent changes in employment, sexual orientation, or life goals
—self destructive behavior designed to elicit attention
—may be manipulative and untrusting
—abnormal or inappropriate behavior in public
—extreme fear of abandonment or being left alone
—appears to get "lost" in moods( i.e. can't remember what it's like to feel happy when they are feeling sad)
If you think you have borderline personality disorder or may know someone who does, consult with your health care provider as treatment is available.
http://www.epigee.org/mental_health/bpd.html
Posted by c on December 31, 2011 at 10:32 am | permalink |
You want someone to miss you? How about your kids when you get seriously hurt if you don't leave? People like the farmer feed on fear and dependance. You cut both and he has no power over you. Evil is impotent, it only needs our consent to gain power. Think about it, you are leaving to please the sadistic impulses of a person and you don't value your own life.
Posted by Leandro Bolivar on December 31, 2011 at 11:53 am | permalink |
It is not your fault that he hurts you. It is his fault that he cannot control himself. His faults are his own. Your faults are your own. It is good to work on your own issues, but your issues are not responsible for his behavior.
Posted by Corinne on December 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm | permalink |
In response to the last line "I want somebody to miss me." Your kids miss you. You know you are not giving them what they deserve from you- they want you to be happy so that they can be happy. Think of yourself and kids first–find little things everyday that make you and your children smile. Feel good…really FEEL it and enjoy every second of those little moments. Make a conscientious effort to find happiness. Do not rely on others for your happiness. Pray. Pray hard and often. Give your burdens up to Jesus…He will gladly take them, but he will not force you to take His help.
Posted by amanda street on December 31, 2011 at 1:46 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
You took time to reach out to me when I needed your advice about my graduate school predicament. That was so kind of you. I wish you could show that kindness to yourself. I've been through an emotionally abusive relationship, could not find the strength the leave, and he eventually left me. This situations do eventually end, but I think you'd prefer they end on your terms.
With love,
Nicole
Posted by Nicole on December 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm | permalink |
Penelope, if you don't want to leave for yourself you should leave for your kids. Always. Think of the potential emotional distress for them that they may carry for a lifetime. Children should always be protected. You are amazing, courageous and strong and need to model a healthy relationship for them. I don't know the story and you very well may be, but as an adult who grew up in a home with domestic violence I think children always know when something is awry. It was so hard but my Mom left and each and every day of my life is better for it.
We care about you.
Posted by Jasmine on December 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm | permalink |
Penelope
You are living out a tragic repetition compulsion in whoch the Farmer plays your dad. You do love him but you love the attention you get from exploiting him more. In a sense he is a victim of domestic violence by you. Because you goad him on till he explodes. Because his rage satisfies you.
No?
Posted by missyone on December 31, 2011 at 2:44 pm | permalink |
Please re-add the sort button to the comments section. That way, we can choose to read the newest comments first (vice having to see that crass "nice ass" remark made by that dorkbait who posted the first comment).
P, Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year: please choose to create a new life for yourself.
Make a list of your next steps and how you plan to recreate a life for you & the boys –it wont be easy, but you wont regret it.
Posted by =^..^= on December 31, 2011 at 3:21 pm | permalink |
Just in case anyone is wondering, I went to Twitter, where Pen also posts. Nothing besides the trackback to "The most popular posts of 2011".
Here is someone else's blog post about all this post plus many, many more comments:
http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2011/12/30/the-most-brazen-example-of-co-dependency-i-have-ever-seen-penelope-trunk-refuses-to-leave-her-abusive-partner/
And another site for women Jezebel.com has this article, also with many comments:
http://jezebel.com/5871929/who-is-penelope-trunk
I may have to unsubscribe to the comments since there are so many of them and I seem to not be able to drab myself away from the computer to stop reading the comments.
Playing computer games, which I do more than my therapist wishes, is beginning to look healthy.
I am beginning to feel "played" or manipulated, whether Pen is doing it consciously or unconsciously.
Not being able to find out whether Pen is still alive or safe or what is beginning to make me crazy and agitated.
If Pen feels close to us readers, why is she not giving us updates about her well-being?
Pen, when you don't post, we do miss you.
Is that not good enough for you?
What is it you want from us, your readers?
The discussions about cornering the Farmer make a great deal of sense to me.
Pen, in this blog, you have been describing almost fatally bad communication skills in your relationship with the Farmer.
From all your therapy, you *must* have been told, repeatedly, that you cannot MAKE another person feel love.
Old quote: A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
Whatever you force or manipulate the Farmer or anyone else into doing puts YOU into the same category as your parents.
As someone else with a nightmare childhood, different from yours, still horrible, I have been in therapy almost forever.
You need to be in serious, honest, one on one therapy.
Or you need to give those beautiful, precious boys to their biological father. You are making a mess.
About dialectical behavior therapy.
http://behavioraltech.org/downloads/dbtFaq_Cons.pdf
I just read about it and find it quite interesting. It might be useful to Pen. Those who might benefit seem to include people with Pen's sort of behaviors as reported on this blog. I have been reading this blog for a year or more.
How are those boys doing?
Pen, how are YOU doing?
Are you using your therapist as a resource to help you? If not, why not?
Let us know what is going on, please.
Posted by Evy MacPhee on December 31, 2011 at 3:42 pm | permalink |
Not pressing charges?
You skewer The Farmer on the internet by posting your injuries, alleging he beat you up, but you won't press charges?
Either you should press charges, or he should sue you for libel.
I'm not seeing any in-between here.
Posted by Perplexed on December 31, 2011 at 4:14 pm | permalink |
@ Perplexed – IF the story was true, even with her not pressing charges, the police would have taken the abuser to jail:
- pictures of bruises-online;
- confession of the abused-online;
- previous calls of the police re DM on this location.
It would be too risky (PR-wise) to leave the farmer guy in the house. Do you imagine if next day the press finds out that a woman who reported/posted pictures of the abuse online is dead? And with 2 photogenic boys?
Bottom line: People who believe this drama are the same that buy into UFOs and Kim Kardashian's wedding.
I still love reading the blog, though. Too awesome.
Posted by Joana on January 1, 2012 at 12:51 pm | permalink |
@Joana – Exactly my point. It doesn't add up.
Is anyone surprised that we now have an "I guess I'm staying with him after all" post as a follow-up? I'm not.
This was a reckless thing to do, on many levels. For one, imagine if the kids were in public school. You think one or two of their friends may have seen this?
Totally messed up situation.
Posted by Perplexed on January 1, 2012 at 7:16 pm | permalink |
Penelope, my heart hurt for you yesterday when I read this. Reading the comments today it hurts worse. Don't listen to the victim blaming/shaming. Leave when you are ready. As a survivor of this, I know how shameful it feels to stay when everyone is telling you the obvious, to go. Take care of yourself.
Posted by Carla Ganiel on December 31, 2011 at 4:56 pm | permalink |
"And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I'm writing them."
One thing I have learned in my years on Earth is that I am only responsible for my own behavior – not for how others respond.
No matter what, no one deserves to be battered – not me, and not you.
This is the bottom that fell out. Penelope, take the kids and get out now. We, the people who read this blog and admire your wisdom, are the ones who would miss you.
Posted by Jennie on December 31, 2011 at 5:29 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I was in an abusive relationship years ago when my oldest child was young. I blamed myself, too, until I realized that it was not my fault that someone was beating up on me. I did not want my son to grow up with that example – of me or my husband. Yes, we can all be better people – but, everyone deserves to feel safe in their own home. Domestic violence is everywhere. Whether or not it belongs in a career blog, it certainly affects one's career and so might as well be included. The worst thing you can do is hide it. I now have a career I love and a husband who is good to me – because I left the other relationship. I could not have my current career without my husband's support since I work at home now and have clients coming and going. Like it or not, your home life affects your career – and a good home life enhances it. You go for the career you love…why would you not go for the home life you would love, too?
Posted by Ann Marie on December 31, 2011 at 5:58 pm | permalink |
*flinch*
oh your post is so awful on so many levels
please get it together enough to leave, if not for yourself, for your sons
having worked in public health for many years i get that it takes a few go-arounds to finally get to the point that you are oce and fir all set in yourself that it's time to blow this particular popsicle stand; i am hoping hoping hoping that you are THERE NOW
wishing you a healthy and happy new year where you move forward as it is time to do
Posted by poppygirl on December 31, 2011 at 11:17 pm | permalink |
LAME. I do not believe this is true. Are you that desperate for attention? Do you need more blog views/clicks on your page because of the economy? Because you're not doing well right now financially? Not only do I not believe this is true, but I suspect you have lied about other things as well. Once a liar, always a liar. Way to go.
Posted by lisa on January 1, 2012 at 12:17 am | permalink |
I hope things will work out for you. Take care and be safe!
Posted by Denise on January 1, 2012 at 12:38 am | permalink |
You don't have to bare your ass-ets. to elicit sympathy from me or anyone else. You wouldn't even have to show the bruise, I would still believe you were hurt, because you come across as an honest person and I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The way you're writing and comparing the problems with your parents and those with your husband leads me to believe that you think you deserve this kind of treatment. That you are the type of person who brings this on herself. We are all some "type" of person and, with typical human flaws, we all have something very annoying about our personalities – it's not just you! But, that doesn't mean we deserve to be abused in any way. I read once that the qualities that someone initially finds most endearing about us, annoy the crap out of them later (i.e. tenacity becomes unbending & stubborn), but you either accept someone for who they are, or you move on. You do not hurt them for it. Imagine yourself as an adult you and a child you. What would adult you say looking at this photo and hearing what The Farmer has said to you? Wouldn't you receive kindness and understanding. Wouldn't adult you (your inner voice) tell you to leave? Be kind to yourself and be true to yourself. I think it's time to pack up your kids and leave. You will be better for this.
Posted by Sharon M on January 1, 2012 at 12:50 am | permalink |
We make our own choices and we're each responsible for them. Blame and credit belong to the individual. You haven't the right to claim either from someone else.
Insanity is defined as "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Amelia
Posted by Amelia on January 1, 2012 at 1:23 am | permalink |
Couples therapy: My husband is slumped at the edge of the sofa, sulking. I sit in the center cushion, upright and animated, ranting about why he needs to get rid of his bike.
But knowing something doesn't mean I'm willing to change. Just like when I claim to be listening to my husband, I seem as though I'm listening to people during work but in reality, I'm more interested in my own ideas than those of the person talking. I talk over and past them. I am dismissive and unresponsive. "How do you keep people from strangling you?" my husband asks, when he's particularly annoyed and probably considering strangling me himself.
I listen. But not really. Mostly I plan my arguments about why what he is saying is irrelevant and why I am right.
Title: "Couples Therapy Can Help Your Career"
Date: October 5th, 2003
Source: blog.penelopetrunk.com
Sara
Posted by Sara on January 1, 2012 at 1:43 am | permalink |
The only thing I see inappropriate in that photo is the actual bruise, as in, it shouldn't be there because the farmer shouldn't be slamming you into the bed post to begin with.
I'm glad you posted the picture, because it gives us readers context. Context to what is happening and also where that bruise exists.
You can re-frame what happened in your childhood. When your Mom was relieved at the police taking you away, maybe it was because she knew the life they were providing you was not ideal. Especially since she knew your Dad was abusing you. Most likely she was relieved that you'd have some protection that she could not provide. That's immediately how I read it, even when you mentioned it in an earlier post. Same with the mental ward. They wanted you to be there so you could be away from them, since they were the ones harming you. Doesn't mean they hated you, just that they have problems and wanted to shield you from those problems.
Posted by Kate on January 1, 2012 at 6:49 am | permalink |
It is not okay for him to beat you, even if you do provoke him, because if you are that impossible to live with his response should be to divorce you. You know what you need to do, and you'll do it when you reach your breaking point (hopefully that comes sooner rather than later). I'm glad you're talking about the violence openly, instead of trying to hide it.
Posted by Charlotte on January 1, 2012 at 8:24 am | permalink |
Charlotte, another angle is that Penelope is characteristically open here. I am guessing that some readers are saying "TMI"–but I am with you, that this should be talked about. There should be a confrontation of unacceptable behaviors everywhere/anywhere you find them. There should be no more family secrets. Secrecy is the cover for the abuser.
Penelope has blown the cover.
Marriage counselors tell couples that the fault is never 100% attributable to one spouse or the other. In my days of marital counseling, we played the game of assigning a percentage of blame to the husband and then to the wife. But I am convinced, as most of the responders, that when violence, hitting, shoving, verbal threats/abuse or psychological abuse is involved, it IS the fault of the abuser. The abuser cannot fall back on "the devil made me do it". You can be angry, frustrated at being stuck, sleepless, head-achey–and none of that gives you permission to harm another individual. Period. Full stop.
So, as much as I have warmed to the Farmer through Pen's and his blog, I have to say that a line has been crossed. And love and loyalty are irretrievably broken. It is just too dangerous to stay involved, Pen.
Tell us where your head is at: do you believe that the contract is irretrievably broken or are you still holding on? Are you safe? What does your hip look like several days later? Is that bruise screaming at you, the way your readers are screaming at you? Are you able to answer your boys' questions if you have gone back (or have not gone back)? Are you considering all your options, including stepped up psychological care/medical care for yourself?
If you still feel as if you are dying, if you are in despair, I hope you will put yourself in a safe situation. Force yourself to go somewhere safe–including a hospital.
We have been cheering you on, encouraging you. We will not think any less of you for doing whatever it takes for you to be safe.
Let down your guard, finally. Put yourself in the hands of a reliable safe person (counselor?)/situation (hospital?) and recover.
Posted by chris on January 1, 2012 at 8:44 am | permalink |
Penelope, I am worried about you. You are a battered wife. No one makes anyone hit them, because even if they do make them angry they do not force them to express their anger in inappropriate ways. That is one hell of a bruise and if it happened even once I would be worried. If the Farmer can't or won't stop being violent, you need to move out. I'm not saying you necessarily need to stop seeing him (but maybe restrict it to when there is a mediating adult there) but you need to physically remove yourself from that place because it is NOT OK for him to hit you.
You seem to struggle with fine distinctions in relationships. Here's a clear one: any (violent) touching in anger is not OK. This includes what caused that bruise.
Posted by Bea on January 1, 2012 at 9:23 am | permalink |
Penelope, I signed up on your blog 2 years ago because you had an article with interesting career advise. It is disappointing that this has become a forum for something extremely different. Unfortunately, I will be removing myself from your blog.
Posted by CH on January 1, 2012 at 9:35 am | permalink |
make a book about your personal life. I'm more interested in that than anything else. Really curious
Posted by z on January 1, 2012 at 9:52 am | permalink |
Agree. I'd buy a non-self help book from this writer in a second. Very entertaining.
Posted by Passingby on January 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm | permalink |
I hate David Dellifield. The one from Ada, Ohio
This past week was Spring Break and toward the end, somehow my ex and my nanny fell out of the picture, and I was doing a lot of taking care of the kids, which, I have said before, is not what I'm great at. I wish I were. I tried for four years to be a stay-at-home mom, only to discover that I am not meant to do that.
So, in a moment of innocent desperation, I wrote on Twitter: "No school today and the nanny's on vacation. A whole day with the kids gets so boring: all intergalactic battles and no intellectual banter."
Like many people who are total [edited] online, David's contact info was easy to find. I called him at work, because, big surprise, he is not a stay-at-home dad talking about how everyone should love parenting. He is a dad who is not home all day talking about how everyone should love being home all day with their kids.
There was no answer at his work. But I noted the number so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson.
Then I called David Dellifield's house. I thought maybe his wife would answer and I could ask her if she knows that her husband is emailing other women to encourage them to send more kids to his wife to take care of. All day.
There was no answer. Maybe by then he had alerted his wife that he is being pursued by a psycho who maybe will kill her kids or maybe will kill him. Maybe they will never answer their phone again.
Title: I hate David Dellifield. The one from Ada, Ohio
Date: April 13, 2009
Source: blog.penelopetrunk.com
Sara
Posted by Sara on January 1, 2012 at 10:31 am | permalink |
"You can travel on ten thousand miles and still be where you are."
If you leave the Farmer, you will only find some other jerk to beat your ass, when you feel the need. Abused women only seem to be attracted to abusive men, wonder why that is?
Posted by Mike Strickland on January 1, 2012 at 11:53 am | permalink |
If that your picture –
1. you lost a lot of weight!
2. I'm glad you are back to waxing!
Posted by Mohela on January 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm | permalink |
So, in a moment of innocent desperation, I wrote on Twitter: "No school today and the nanny's on vacation. A whole day with the kids gets so boring: all intergalactic battles and no intellectual banter."
I almost didn't post that Twitter because it's so banal
Posted by Tweet on January 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm | permalink |
You're a LIAR.
Posted by lisa on January 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm | permalink |
Watch my comment get deleted. again.
Posted by lisa on January 1, 2012 at 1:24 pm | permalink |
Lisa – do you know PT IRL? The thing that fascinates me is that I know people like this, who are drama addicts, and the life inside their head is so different from the life they really live. I'm so curious to know if this is really her life, or if it's a constant nightmare inside her head.
Posted by Can't stop watching on January 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm | permalink |
The photo didn't have to be as bare as it is to see that there was a wound. However, am not judging you. You are obviously in an extreme situation. Violence is never OK so please stay away from him forever, and get help as soon as possible. Make sure you get a restraining order. . .
Posted by Cynthia on January 1, 2012 at 2:58 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I subscribed to your blog 2 years ago because you gave interesting career advice. However, this seems to have become a forum for something very different. Unfortunately, I removing my subscription to this blog.
Posted by CH on January 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm | permalink |
Like CH, me too.
Posted by Shelley on January 1, 2012 at 7:04 pm | permalink |
Penelope –
My apologies for not reading all that you've written about this, but I couldn't read another word, so pls keep that in mind as you read what follows.
For the sake of your children and yourself. Insist that the farmer gets good help – a group for men who abuse women – it should be in another locale. Do what you have to financially re the farm. And get out of there. Visit the farmer in a highly controlled setting with your kids if they want to go. This is very sad – my heart goes out to you. This may be something the police can handle entirely. Mental health pros have to be involved. And get your children help. You have all been scarred more than you might know.
Posted by David on January 1, 2012 at 6:23 pm | permalink |
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. It's tough and it sucks. I know it sucks.
Most people will tell you to leave, like it's some easy thing to do. It's not. It could quite possibly be one of the hardest things you do….ever.
Something to remember, even though the Farmer says he wouldn't do x,y, z if you didn't do a,b, or c is indeed a load of crap. You are never the cause of his choice in actions. It's never about you. It's about him. He has insecurities, so to gain some sort of control back, he controls you. He is trying to blame you so he does not have to take responsibility for his actions.
When I left my abusive relationship years ago, it was finally realizing that I deserve greatness in my life. It was realizing that I'm worth it. You are worth it, too. And you will never break this chain of abuse until you learn to love yourself. When you love yourself, you would never allow someone to treat you this way. So I guess what you need is to begin the journey of understanding your self-worth.
I'm glad you went to the hotel and took your kids to safety. Even though you may think they do not notice most of the fights, they do.
Domestic violence happens everywhere… even in rural Wisconsin. Here's a link for Domestic violence shelters in Wisconsin: http://www.hud.gov/local/wi/homeless/agenciescountygm.cfm
You don't have to go necessarily go to a shelter. These shelters provide domestic violence counseling. Please go see a counselor that specializes in domestic violence.
All the best to you Penelope.
Posted by Froggylou2 on January 1, 2012 at 6:32 pm | permalink |
Translation – "I'm a freak to live with, so he gets to hit me."
So, the point of posting your picture was . . . ?
A desperate cry for help?
A need to validate your actions?
A threat to the farmer?
Link bait?
I'm sure the blog will gain in popularity. Let's all watch the "self-proclaimed career guru spiral out of control with her life" reality show.
I know I'm glued to my computer screen.
Posted by Perplexed on January 1, 2012 at 7:00 pm | permalink |
That bruise will heal, but what about next time? I got emotionally shoved into the bed post by a man for years. I have scars, but they aren't physical. One day he cornered me in a closet, placed his hands around my neck and my daughter walked in. He let go, and I fled an hour later. Ignoring common sense, my pleas, a restraining order, he wouldn't leave me alone. Two months later I was late to drop our daughter off with him. He was waiting for me. But he must have thought I wasn't coming, because when I did get there he had just shot himself in the head. The bullet was for me. Get out.
Posted by Sue on January 1, 2012 at 7:43 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
You are the only person that can make me laugh and cry at the same time, with the exception of Garrison Keillor (and his stories are made up!) I admire and respect people who never stop looking for the precious person inside themselves and their circumstances. I believe that you are one.
Posted by grandysman on January 2, 2012 at 7:22 am | permalink |
@ Grandysman – this blog is not that far from The Praire Home Companion. It has a lot of made up
Posted by Workingit on January 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
Someone close to me was dealing with an abusive spouse. I am happy to say she eventually left and it was the best thing she ever did. Don't get me wrong. It was difficult. Not easy. Heartwrenching. But she is alive, unbruised, mentally healthy, happy…and it has been a good 25 years free from her abusive spouse.
But as others have said, if you can't leave for yourself, do so for your son. The last thing you want your son to take away from this experience is that it's OK for a man to hit, push, shove, verbally abuse another.
Please think about this…when other people, male and female, annoy the Farmer, does he shove them or punch them? Probably not or you'd be writing about bailing him out of jail. There is NO REASON for the Farmer to abuse you. Love is not painful; never is.
Posted by Julia on January 2, 2012 at 8:18 am | permalink |
So I'm not going to tell you to go or stay. It's not my place.
But I will tell you that if you want someone to miss you, and the Farmer isn't it, then maybe leaving is good. Maybe opening up your world for someone else to come into the picture is good.
The new guy will probably miss you when you're on trips. And he'll tell you. And when you get home, he'll be so happy to see you. And he'll tell you that. And he'll be able to not only handle your "crazy" but he might also realize that it's engrained in who you are and he might love it. He would be great with your kids. Supportive of your career. Wouldn't mind being written about from time to time. And because he can handle your "crazy" – he wouldn't be violent.
That might be worth it. But you'll never know if you try to fix it to say you fixed it.
Kudos to you for realizing what makes him tick and trying to change your behavior to avoid those violent situations. Just don't change so much that you dilute the Penelope I know, love, and respect. That's all I'm asking.
You'll do what you want to do. I just hope we don't lose you in the process.
Posted by Sydney Owen on January 2, 2012 at 8:49 am | permalink |
You're ruining the lives of three people so you can have someone who misses you.
Leaving the "adults" out of this, your children will be forever scarred and changed by the things you are supposedly not responsible for. When the world becomes clearer to them, they will grow to resent you. They will live to hate you. They will have their own emotional and mental problems that will be specifically caused by what you're doing to them now.
You want to live in the situation you've created for yourself… great. You are an adult. You can make your own choices. Do the right thing for your children and send them to live with their father or someone who has a reasonable idea of how to function in the world. You are hurting your children and it will leave a life long scar.
Posted by Horrid on January 2, 2012 at 11:16 am | permalink |
Start listening to Joyce Meyer! I was in a spiral in my life once too and she literally saved me. No matter what your belief systems are her practical advice will resonate with you and heal the sick heart we've all had at one time or another. Start with the series' "Battlefield of the Mind" and "Managing Your Emotions." Please! Be open to it and it can change your life. I went to five different therapists and marriage therapists and this is the only thing that ever helped me. Take care.
http://www.joycemeyer.org/broadcasthome.aspx
Posted by Concerned Fan on January 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm | permalink |
I was a statistic like you: a victim of domestic violence. I lost everyone in my life as a result. Today I still pay the price for the repercussions of that choice. It took about 4 years to get stabilized. Since you are all about personal responsibility, perhaps you can take it up a notch by taking care of yourself by leaving. Staying out of fear, hope for progress, etc. never works sweetie. Take it from someone who's been there. Sending you a big hug and hope that you will make the right choice as hard as it is.
Posted by monica on January 2, 2012 at 4:04 pm | permalink |
My mother's last words were: "No one loved me enough, not even God." Your post felt like living that again. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for the Farmer. I'm sorry for your kids. No one is the villain here; everyone is the victim. You have to choose your own life, and so far, you have. You aren't asking for advice, so I'm not giving it.
I know that one day I'll stop by here and read that you are dead. By your own hand, by someone else's hand. Leaving two young lives to whom? The Farmer? Your parents? A previous abusive relationship? You have hard choices to make. For yourself. For your kids.
Please don't make us read your obituary.
Posted by QuinnCreative on January 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm | permalink |
Sending you big hugs, P. {{{BIG HUGS}}}
Posted by elizabeth on January 2, 2012 at 6:47 pm | permalink |
You have been a victim and as such have defined yourself as a victim. You feed on drama. I say this as someone who has done the same. Telling you to leave your husband is pointless. You know what you should do, and certainly what you need to do, but haven't done so even though you've got kids who will most certainly grow up to be broken if you don't leave…so there really isn't anything that could be said that would help you, if random comments from a no one could help anybody, that is. You have to be brave enough to let go of that guy, but you're too scared to be alone apparently. I feel for you and wish the best for you but don't think you'll stop this because you also like the attention as it seems to make you feel good about yourself ("you deserve better, you poor thing" etc.). I say this as someone who did this all my life and finally learned and did something about it. God bless. Take care. Only you can fix you. Therapy can help. It can also make things worse. You're the only one you can rely on and that's one of the scariest realities.
Posted by Paca on January 3, 2012 at 12:58 am | permalink |
And now what I want you to do is turn this on it's head. Write an article advising someone who has written to you with this story (as theirs) and what you would tell them. Therein lies your answer.
Posted by Carey on January 3, 2012 at 9:39 am | permalink |
We would miss you if you left. You have to make your own decisions, but you can also love and be loved by people who won't hurt you.
Posted by MB on January 3, 2012 at 1:49 pm | permalink |
You need professional help to break the cycle of family violence. Since you were young this is all you have ever known. Now that you are an adult, you are attracted to the only thing you understand – violence. You need long term help. Find a women's shelter that offers professional consulting. You need to know why YOU are attracted to violent people. You cannot be a role model for your children until you find out how you can change your behaviour so that they do not repeat the same family violence cycle when they grow up.
Posted by Ad on January 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm | permalink |
And with 591 comments, I hesitate to add another. I want mine to matter to you … just as you want to be missed.
I have been right where you are. I left when I was ready to leave, and I knew exactly when that moment was.
It mattered not how many people told me I should, "If not for you, at least for your son."
I knew I should leave long before I did.
But I did.
And you will too!
Posted by Dana on January 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm | permalink |
Violence is never OK , whenever you want to justify anyone hitting you just think of yourself as one of your kids and see if you feel it will be OK if someone hits them even for doing something wrong. Many times we forget to see our worth and forget how we should be loved and respected .
Posted by sona on January 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm | permalink |
The best book I ever read about this is called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Reading it made me feel like the author had followed my ex-husband around. It was so spot-on. But the most important thing I learned was that abusers will do whatever they can to replace YOUR reality with THEIR reality. Hang on tight to your reality. Your survival instincts are wrapped up somewhere, deep in the truth he is desperately trying to replace.
Also? We had a therapist, too when we were married and my ex-husband was abusive. The therapist at that time called it a "communication" problem.
Then i got divorced and found an amazing therapist who said she does NOT work with couples where there is abuse because "couples counseling" tends only to give the violent person more ammunition later. As in, "the counselor SAID you don't listen and SEE? Here you go – NOT LISTENING."
I wish you peace and luck. I hope you find safety. You deserve it, even if you're not used to it.
Posted by KeikiLani on January 3, 2012 at 4:09 pm | permalink |
Penelope-you accept violence because you grew up in a violent environment. Really, you are normal, but in abnormal way. The ugly home life you have, you perceive as normal because this is all you know. Sorry, I know because my father beat the shit out of my Mom regularly . It was mostly verbal , but he never stopped. Maybe a smack to her head or a punch to her belly, it never stopped. I wanted to kill my Dad for being such a jerk to my Mom. She tolerated it for 24 years! Then when she left him, I wondered why she wouldn't forgive him. After all, it had been months since his ugly abuse, and I "missed him"?? Really? How stupid is that? I married a man that is verbally abusive too. He is an impatient asshole! He calls me some horrible names and then, wants to have sex? I have little patience for him anymore. I prefer to be in the next room rather than sit near him. Sometimes I explode and tell him that he had better stop his abuse or I will divorce him. He softens up for about a week, then he's back at his regular rude self. Yes, I don't like him anymore. I feel locked in, but not important to him in the least. He doesn't know how to share anything of himself with me and his favorite pass time is writing nonsense to his brother (email). His brother is also an equally mean person, as are his sisters. His sisters all hate each other. His brother hates spending any time with his sisters. He calls them "bitches". Of course not to their faces, but to me in conversation. Recently had an insulting experience with his brother. He verbally abused my daughter. Transferred anger (he has been diagnosed with Cancer in one of his lungs). I see this in my husband too. He is angry because his brother is mad at him. So he transfers this anger at me. I just keep my distance. But I no longer care for his family or for him. I have lost my patience for the crazies. I want a normal life. So, I protest his abuse with the threat of divorce!!!
I can appreciate my mother leaving my Dad today. He didn't know how to love. He needed a punching bag and a vagina, but not a person to love.
I married my husband , but I believe I did it to run away from my home life. I have stayed married because I had two small children (now fully grown). So what is my excuse? I'm sick. I accept an abusive household because I grew up in one. He is not my friend or nor my lover. We tolerate each other, but that is all.
Posted by Medizina on January 3, 2012 at 5:47 pm | permalink |
I stand by my message. This blog isn't convincing to the people who care that you are willing to do what needs to be done in order for this family to become a unit (awkward word…).
If you choose to stay- you need to succumb to the fact that you both need help communicating and understanding each other, that doesn't happen without outside help/influence. If you're going to stay-make changes. How many times are you going to make the same mistakes before you learn from them (BOTH OF YOU!!!)
Is this relationship worth the work that it's going to take to be functional? Is this a positive influence for your kids? Where are the stressers In the household and how can you both work to fix it? These are questions you both need to be asking yourself.
If you're going to stay, make it worth it for everyone involved,
Posted by Liza on January 3, 2012 at 9:07 pm | permalink |
Seriously. Where is your ex?? I can't believe he allows the kids to stay there.
Posted by Susan on January 3, 2012 at 10:17 pm | permalink |
Good lord, you're a mess. You need to get in a DBT program.
Posted by rbh on January 4, 2012 at 5:07 am | permalink |
Its 2012. Did you leave yet? This is my first time on 'Slate mag' and I read your blog – first time I have even read a blog – Farmer sounds mad as hell and perhaps even more than a little jealous of YOUR success. What does he give you, that makes you want to stay and get abused? Did you leave yet? Just went back to your blog to find out who Farmer is…..looks like a dork WHAT are you doing with him? a beautiful woman like YOU? DID YOU LEAVE YET??? PLEASE UPDATE US and take care or YOU and YOURS. This man is an abuser and a coward…….get out there is help in other comments a link to a woman's shelter. DO IT AND DO IT NOW, TODAY. DID YOU LEAVE YET???
Posted by Marian on January 4, 2012 at 1:10 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I should have known better than to advise you to leave the farmer. Violence has always been a part of your relationships, and if you left you'd only get into another abusive relationship. I'm familiar with the abuser/abused scenarios. There is nothing anyone can do to help you. I am also familiar with Asperger's, and understand why you would resist change. You have to make your own decisions, and it appears that you already have. The cycle will continue and your children will follow, as this only stops when someone is strong enough to end it. I have enjoyed your blogs, but lost sleep over this one. I guess I have too much empathy. Good luck with your blogs and other endeavors. I can't allow myself to get caught up in your dramas anymore, so I will be unsubscribing.
Posted by steve on January 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm | permalink |
Yes, I have lost sleep over this, as well.
I have an uneasy feeling of impending doom.
Please allow the kids to be safe, Penelope and Farmer. Safe from physical violence, safe from anxiety, safe-at-home.
Of the four of you, I "know" them the least, but I feel so protective of them. Please put them first.
Posted by chris on January 4, 2012 at 2:07 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I've been reading your blogs for about a year and wished I could have taken the blogging class you offered recently. But, when I look at this picture, it only brings back memories of my first husband who used to lock me in the house and beat up on me. I was determined NOT to live my life like that and had to come up with a plan to escape – yes, escape. I was his prisoner. I ended up having an abortion which I have repented many times for…don't believe in abortion now. His problem was that he wanted me to replace his mother and I was determined I was NOT his mother. Took me 3 years to get over that abuse, then I met another man who has been the love of my life for 31 years! A man that only dreams are made of. I was careful the second time around. I came from a home with an abusive drunk father who told me I would never be any good. He passed at the age of 50 and has been in his grave for 20 years now. I CRAVED STABILITY. I still don't have financial stability, we are in ruins, but we have love. (insert the word hokey here) As a child and young adult, I blamed my dear wonderful Mom for not leaving him. I have since forgiven her, she is a saint. I have 3 sisters who are all messed up and their children are messed up too. In fact, I am raising one of the 9 year olds now because her mother was so violent and on drugs. I have said all this to make a point. Life is too short to spend it trying to fix yourself and everyone around you. I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time, but having the love of a good man means everything to me and the two wonderful Gen Y boys I raised. Forgive the Farmer, I forgave my Mom and Dad. Move on. I agree with other's comments that the kids pay for this. The little girl I am raising saw way too much violence and crime, it has taken me 3 years to try to erase it from her mind. I pray every day that she does not follow in her mother's footsteps. If you can't do it for yourself, at least try to provide a better life for your kids. Get the help you need and don't allow them to see that again. When two people bring out the worst in each other, it's not healty for anyone. You are fooling yourself if you think you can fix this. I admire your desire to try, but it is what it is. Try to look at the other side – I re-married a wonderful man who brings out the best in me. He encourages me to 'shine' and I hope I am doing the same for him. Neither of us are perfect….far from it, but we are compatible and it's worth EVERTHING! I consider myself 'normal messed up' – I job hop (all recruiters do that)I sleep late, I overeat and benge and then starve to try to fix it – we all have our issues. But, by golly I am happy most of the time and so are my kids.
Posted by MissPiggy on January 4, 2012 at 10:04 pm | permalink |
Psychology of Quiting – my ass! How about Psychology of the 'gift of peace' for your children? You are a genuis, why don't you act like the smart person you are and 'quit' this nonsense.
Posted by MissPiggy on January 4, 2012 at 10:29 pm | permalink |
Speaking as a son of a mother whom I witnessed being hit repeatedly by my stepfather, before I was 10… the impact is still felt 30 years later by all three of us. I wish one of us had the strength to stand up then, and say "enough!" sooner. Without judgment, I know full well what the impossibility of leaving feels like. With love, I am praying you can summon the will. Peace & Blessings.
Posted by blue on January 5, 2012 at 2:05 am | permalink |
Oh what a poor life you have had. Would you like a baseball bat to your shin as well, or will a right hook to your face suffice?
Seriously, if after getting violated like that, you would rather blog about it than get your life together, then it's as much your fault as the 'farmer'.
Posted by Exopia on January 5, 2012 at 8:51 am | permalink |
You've Come a Long Way, Baby … or Maybe Not: Why Women are Losing Ground on both Wall Street and Farm Street?
After reading your blog, I am reminded of the tale of two women in business, and how each found her way to the top. One became the head of a national chain by following her passion and the other wrote a recipe for her success.
The first example is the CEO of the $5 billion retailer with more than 1,000 stores across the nation and abroad. The second example is the CEO of the 140-year-old, nearly $8 billion food giant in more than 100 countries worldwide.
Both women grew up in supportive, business-oriented families that encouraged them to succeed. Both found strong mentors and learned to prioritize conflicting demands between work and family. Beyond that, their journeys offer a study in contrasts — a lesson that for women today, there are many roads to success.
Both women point to mentors as the pivotal ingredients in success. They found similarly different approaches to balancing demands of work and family. "I call it 'Be Here Now,'" one said of her approach. "Be completely immersed when you're at work, and then when you're at home, shut off the office. Really be involved with your family." The other dubs her approach "work/life integration," rather than "work/life balance." "Balance suggests perfect equilibrium. There's no such thing. That's a false expectation…. There are going to be priorities and multiple dimensions of your life, and how you integrate that is how you find happiness."
The recession has not been kind to women on Wall Street. Consider these recent reports in the financial press: Even though women hold a minority of financial sector jobs, five times as many women as men were laid off after the start of the recession. Meanwhile, the pay gap between men and women in the industry actually widened between 2000 and 2011. The results show 9.6% more men are working in finance now than 10 years ago, but 2.6% fewer women. Among young workers, the numbers are even starker: 16.5% fewer women aged 20 to 35 and 21.8% fewer women aged 20 to 24.
Even if "You've Come a Long Way Baby" women are losing ground on Wall Street and balance between work and family. Find your mentor and keep your work/life integration or family balance baby.
We know the definition of Wall Street is the interception of all major successful financial streets in the world. Wall Street has one of the most iconic representations of market prosperity in the world. Passers-by have rubbed â to a bright gleam â its nose, horns and a part of its anatomy that, 'separates the bull from the typical farm castrated steers and heifers.
In contrast, the definition of a Farm Street is the limited access minor road with very few improvements, no intersecting cross-streets and typically very isolated.
A Wall Street Woman
Posted by A Wall Street Woman on January 5, 2012 at 10:21 am | permalink |
I read your heartbreaking post a couple of days ago, and I haven't been able to get you out of my mind. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but long ago I found myself in your shoes (or lack of them based on the picture ha ha) Though I did get out of my predicament, I chose to keep what happened to myself. Years later, I started to talk about my abuse, and everyone, EVERYONE thanked me for my insight and learned a little something. My point is that I want to thank you for sharing. It is clear that by making your situation so public, you know you have to do something about it, but you can't, or don't know how. You are working on it and I want you to know your story had an effect on me. You'll probably never even see this, at the tail end of 600 comments, but just know I'm sending healing thoughts and supportive vibes. Stay safe.
Posted by Lala on January 5, 2012 at 8:02 pm | permalink |
So many thoughts in my head for you, Penelope. I hope that you are seeking help- not just blogging to the many who have become friends and family. Of course you need people, you need safe people too. Have you read anything by Cloud and Townsend? Safe People may be helpful. Saying a prayer for you.
Posted by sarahmatz@gmail.com on January 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm | permalink |
I guess you can try to rationalize this if you want – it seems that is what you do with your personal life things anyway (homeschooling, getting your hair done in LA, moving to middle of nowhere Wis, etc). I don't know why you stay…you may love him I guess. It doesn't seem he loves you, or even likes you. If that isn't the case because maybe we aren't getting the whole picture, then I guess you should either paint the whole picture or stop talking about it altogether. As it is, it's getting to be a further and further stretch trying to link these stories to career advice rather than it just being Penelope's Life blog.
Posted by Jon on January 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm | permalink |
Your parents left you in Arlington Heights and drove back to Wilmette? It's rude, but abuse…? You couldn't hop on the Metra or go to the police station down the street? AH is hardly a slum or the south side of Chicago.
Posted by JIm on January 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm | permalink |
Penelope,
Holy Cow! I hadn't been on you website for a while and then I start reading your posts. The farmer, your parents, the abuse, your childhood years. All I kept saying was holy cow! holy cow! Since you've already gotten a ton of advice from your readers I'm not going to add any more but after reading this post all I wanted to do if I could was just reach out and give you a hug. You are an amazing person and your blog really was the first blog I ever truly took too when I entered the blogging world. I loved your blog because of you honesty and bravery. You have so much to offer this world and your boys. Like I said if I can't give you a hug then I hope an angel does.
Posted by Nareen Rivas on January 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm | permalink |
More naked pics please.
Posted by Duckman on January 7, 2012 at 7:11 am | permalink |
SLAM THAT BITCH! NOTHING SAYS SEXY LIKE SOME GOOD, THICK WELTS AND BRUISES ALL OVER HER OVERRAPED BODY.
Posted by YEAH on January 7, 2012 at 10:29 am | permalink |
I've been in several violent relationships – all starting from childhood and my violent, bi-polar mother and the molestation of her brother for years.
My first violent relationship with a guy started in high school, he is the father of my three children. He wasn't violent very often, but often very emotionally abusive.
My second violent relationship lasted only 2 years. I left because he was violent.
My last violent relationship was my second marriage. He was a cop. I was trapped. He threatened me with a gun and locked me in my room or the closet alone. He threatened to kill my children, his children, me and himself regularly if I left him. I paid him $4,000 to leave or I would come clean with every one publicly about what he was doing. I had no proof – I only reached that point when I was willing to die to escape. I finally said "Kill me then, or let me go because I am done. I would rather die than stay."
It has been four years. I still can't believe it has only been four years. I am remarried to the kindest, gentlest man. I am MORE SUCCESSFUL in my career BECAUSE I have someone who loves and supports me – even when I talk too much or too loud; even when I act a little nuts once a month; even when I cry; even when I get angry – he is calm. He is supportive. He is rational.
That is what you need. Someone calm in the face of insanity. Someone who would never yell or hit you, or push you or tell you that you deserve any terrible thing. It takes more courage to leave than it takes to stay. You have to be willing to break the cycle for the sake of your children.
Everyone says "I'll never stay in an abusive relationship" until they are in one and trying to find a way out without hurting anyone else. In my case, I was scared that if he had nothing to lose, he really would kill me.
BTW: I still lock all my doors and I still have nightmares. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my husband, like I'm tarnished and not good enough. But then I tell myself that I have earned it! Perhaps you have too?
Posted by 2witterbug on January 7, 2012 at 5:29 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I subscribed to your blog 1 year ago because you gave interesting career advice. However, this seems to have become a forum for something very different. (I agree with this poster). This should have been discussed in private with a girlfriend or trusted friend. Especially since you didn't even update the forum to your situation. Whether you are alive or dead. You have an audience who really cares and was worried. Instead you move on to another topic. Shame on you.
I removed my subscription to your blog. I hope the children survive your stunt.
Posted by Sheree on January 8, 2012 at 5:36 pm | permalink |
"That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me."
I don't know you but I suspect that you have many people in your life that miss you when you're not there. Many people that would care if you were to leave.
That hollow feeling you get when you think about leaving is just the unknown. It's not as frightening as it seems. Better things await you.
Posted by Wynand Winterbach on January 9, 2012 at 10:41 am | permalink |
"I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog."
I find this statement very sad. Your kids can't really help you in this situation and neither can we your readers, despite 600+ comments and one reader that even called the police. I wish you had a life with a wide reaching network full of supportive "real life" family and friends that would come to your aid right now. It is a sad reality that Penelope despite 30,000 some followers – seems really alone in her predicament right now.
Posted by betty in munich on January 10, 2012 at 8:01 am | permalink |
When someone tells you you need medication, you can be pretty sure they need it themselves.
Not joking.
Do read Patricia Evans some time, if only for the intellectual exercise.
One more thing: I know 2 women who were in textbook abusive relationships. They both said that
1) it was their fault, because they deserved it, and/or
2) they were responsible for half of it, and
3) they couldn't really call it abuse because 'it wasn't really that.'
Does your partner actually take his share of the blame, I wonder? Or is it all 'you' and 'your craziness' (or whatever you both believe).
Wishing you well, anyway. Hope you are both able to get whatever help you need.
Posted by Alex on January 10, 2012 at 3:37 pm | permalink |
"This is what I felt like when I was a kid."
This is your 'tell'. When you feel like you felt when you were a kid, you can trust that the situation you're finding yourself in is not right and not normal. You can try to rationalize it away, but here really is the heart of the matter. The relationship you are currently in makes you feel like you felt when you were a kid, and there is no doubt or question that your childhood was dysfunctional and abusive. What does this tell you about your current situation?
Posted by The Good Mother on January 11, 2012 at 1:15 am | permalink |
I remember you writing to me a few years ago when I had lost my job and was trying to build relationships with my co-workers to get networking help. I appreciated the time you spent with me; I hadn't visited your blog in a while and it broke my heart to read this.
I realize you do not want to leave, but a man who would beat you does not deserve you. Women were placed on this earth to be loved and cared for, to me they are God's masterpiece on this earth. My wife was abused by her first husband and when she discusses it with me all I can do is put my arms around her and hold her and tell her she has left his place in her life. I don't know what you want to do, but you are better as a woman and as a human being than to be anyone's victim. Unsure how you feel about prayer, you are in mine.
Posted by Tony on January 12, 2012 at 8:06 am | permalink |
Leave before you get killed. You're no good to your kids in a pine box. They need you. Your feelings of neediness represent your adult desire for love which makes you human, and are appreciated.
Posted by John Smith on January 12, 2012 at 10:46 pm | permalink |
Who's the person with 'no relationship skills' in this scenario? The wife who is 'annoyingly talkative', or the husband who pushes her?
I don't care what 'skills' you do or don't have, a violent environment is not something you deserve. get out. now.
Posted by Lau@corridorkitchen on January 13, 2012 at 4:52 am | permalink |
i sort of get what you're saying, but.. Do you really want that? Relationships. very few people are actually good at those. Um… thing is, it's true. you're gonna feel screwed whichever way you go. But feeling screwed and being screwd…. that's your choice. feelings tend to go on a hike. reality doen't. CHANGE IT. before you get killed…
Posted by matchstick on January 13, 2012 at 5:50 am | permalink |
I think that as women, we work hard to have relationships we enjoy because we want to feel connected to people we love. From the outside looking in, it sometimes may be hard for others to understand our choices. I think if we think it will help to sustain a relationship, that we may suffer willingly, ultimately unhappily, to get what we can, resisting leaving (even when we know we should) to avoid starting again with nothing to hold on to but emotional and perhaps physical battle scars.
If it were easy…wouldn't we all be perfect?
I wish you well.
Posted by k on January 14, 2012 at 1:37 pm | permalink |
I have been following this blog for quite some time. Sadly, I'm just getting caught up on the happeneings over the past month or so. P….please get some help…both for you and the farmer. I have been in a number of relationships in my life, most recently married to a woman who drives me absolutely crazy (in good and bad ways), but I have never dreamed of physical violence towards her. Physical violence has no place in a committed relationship. I applaud you for moving out to a hotel. Now I implore you to get help for all involved before you take any steps towards moving back in. This is real and if it continues, could jeopardize your life.
Posted by Charles on January 14, 2012 at 1:59 pm | permalink |
Penelope, I'm curious if you are familiar with mandatory reporting laws? I don't know where you live, but I imagine the laws are similar across the states as they are here in CA.
In CA if certain people, teachers, cops, doctors, etc, who become aware of DV, have to by law report it. Once the cops become aware they HAVE to make an arrest and press charges regardless of your wishes. Once the trigger is pulled there is no stopping the bullet.
In my past life, I spent 15 years as a cop/detective and investigated 100's, perhaps 1000's, of domestic violence cases.Here is my two cents that you may not have considered, nor can your readers who called the police may know.
I will begin stating that physical violence is never acceptable, but when one party shows an injury and tells a sob story, that is never even close to the whole story. It is one side, so for people to give advice without living in the situation is plain foolish.
It is also why police involvement in 95% of the times only makes thing much worse. The problem when airing these things is that unless you are 100% certain and committed to ending this relationship only two things will happen.
1) the relationship may end before you were ready.
2) the relationship will continue, but now that the cops were involved, there will be greater family stress of court dates and attorney fees. (The situation and the violence will NOT stop because the cops came and turned your world upside down. It will be worse.)
My point is that after watching this over and over, 95% of families are in a worse position after sharing this kind of information UNLESS they are certain they are ready to end the relationship and do not have the courage to do it themselves.
Sometimes an act such as this post is a way to force a situation you may not have the courage to do yourself. If that is you, than you did the right thing.
It is sad to see people forced into situations they were not prepared for because they did not understand the law nor think long term.
I share this not to judge either party here, just to share some things I've learned over a 15 year career.
Posted by Chuck Rylant on January 15, 2012 at 9:04 am | permalink |
@ Chuck – thanks for the good info.
Question – in this case, it seems a neighbor reported the case to the police; would the cops have to make an arrest, or would they still need for the wife to press charges?
Posted by Just Curious on January 15, 2012 at 5:44 pm | permalink |
you should move. you have become co-dependent for all the wrong reasons. if you just open your eyes you will see you are living in isolation and relying on the farmer when you really want to live a more interesting and exciting life. if you could move on and realize you WILL MEET SOMEONE YOU HAVE MORE IN COMMON WITH AND you and your kids WILL BE HAPPIER TOO. gIVE IT A CHANCE.
Posted by c on January 18, 2012 at 8:57 pm | permalink |
Honestly, this is repulsive. A grown woman posting naked pictures of her bruises, soliloquizing about not leaving a man who beats her. Why in the blazes are you not running like hell? Why the heck are your children not your top priority here? Do you want them scarred for life, always carrying the wounds of not being able to protect you, save you? If you carry on this way, they WILL be messed up for life, I can guarantee that, if they are not screwed up already. You have created a cycle of violence that will carry on into the next generation.
Yes, it IS your fault, because you stayed, when you should have left aeons ago. Frankly, I find your judgement suspect. I really hope you get the help you need before it is too late for you and your children.
Posted by Neena on January 21, 2012 at 2:18 am | permalink |
By any chance are you an attention whore, Penelope?
Posted by Anon on January 21, 2012 at 11:13 am | permalink |
Wow. What an extraordinarily shameless display of BPD…and not just by Ms Trunk, but also by her commenting 'loving' minions, lapping up the drama. Nice move there, too, calling in the cops on the basis of precisely nothing but blog posts and, yes, an attention-whoring photo.
Here's what should have happened: your kids, removed from you, and given into the care of an actually sane person. And then you, Ms Trunk, go get some genuine, professional therapeutic counselling. Oh, and here's an idea: how about you DON'T blog about it?
JEEEZUS.
Posted by Don on January 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm | permalink |
She chooses to stay w/ this guy, and I'm supposed to feel bad for her?
And still she chooses to go back to him. Oh, women. How I don't care what your silly emotions feel.
Posted by Mike on January 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm | permalink |
Why would you stay with a man that has left you 50 times and abuses you? When he leaves you again, don't go back with him. In a lot of abusive relationships, the men refuse to leave or let the woman leave. He has left you many times, use that opportunity that many abused women don't have the same advantage as you. Abuse is horrid, and many women have endured it. However, please don't try to garner sympathy from an attention intended picture. The wrong attention for a serious matter. Thats a very small bruise on a almost naked photo. Can't take you serious as needing help, when you are showing your arse & thighs. If he is abusive, why not show more prominent bruising with your clothes on?
Posted by Sue on January 22, 2012 at 4:05 pm | permalink |
Here's the thing. Penelope, based on your profile pic and the shot here of your, ah, bruise, you're a trim, good looking woman. As such, I'm sure you've been approached maybe a thousand times in your life by exactly the kind of man you seem to be looking for, the kind, supportive, listen-to-you-talk-all-night type. Why are you not with any of them?
Then there is the talk about wanting to feel entitled somewhere in the comments. You're passive about things which you have chosen and caused to come about through your own action or inaction. Is this "farmer" really a bad guy. I do not know. I don't know him. I don't know how you got your bruise. Do you pester him, maybe even nag or henpeck him until he can no longer take it? Others have commented that you publish intimate details about your relationship with him. Maybe he, rightly, does not like or approve of that. If so, he's likely asked you to stop, and you have not. Again, I don't know, so there is a lot of missing context here.
You're throwing out in the light of day, an incomplete story looking for public pity because "it all just happened to poor little me." That is not the attitude of an adult, and frankly, if this is your outlook and personality, you probably should not be raising children until you get it worked out.
All of this crying out for attention is childish and narcissistic, and all of you chiming in with "Yeah, he's a bastard, violence (I liked the "against women" bit someone said) is never ok, and you feel sorry for yourself, girl!" are just enabling it.
Posted by Alfred on January 22, 2012 at 6:48 pm | permalink |
How about that. My comment was deleted.
Posted by Alfred on January 22, 2012 at 7:46 pm | permalink |
Have you ever read "The Glass Castle: A Memoir" by Jeannette Walls? My therapist recommended it to me because she said I was addicted to conflict because of how I grew up and the abuse I experienced as I child and how it makes it very difficult to have normal relationships as an adult. Anyway, I couldn't put the book down until I had finished the entire thing. It helped me make sense of the "it's my fault" syndrome. Maybe it will give you some insight as well.
Posted by Arlene on January 31, 2012 at 7:11 pm | permalink |
That bruise doesn't look that bad, quit whining.
Posted by Thorfinnsson on February 1, 2012 at 4:29 pm | permalink |
Nag less. More sandwiches, more blowjobs.
Posted by Rachel on February 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm | permalink |
As usual, Roissy gets it….
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/the-evisceration-of-penelope-trunk/
Posted by Teh Lurker on February 1, 2012 at 6:43 pm | permalink |
Seriously? what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean yea nobody deserved to be beat, but your regurgitating all your neurosis on the page just makes you look like a nut. If things are that bad therapy is a waste of your time you just need to separate and be done with it. And no, unlike some of the enabling posters here I don't think you should asset strip him for revenge, just move on with your life and learn how to be whole yourself before you drag someone else down into the cycle of misery you yourself have suffered in your life. If you were capable of being retrospect you'd realize that you are putting your kids in the exact position that led you to be where you are.
Posted by Nate on February 1, 2012 at 9:55 pm | permalink |
Penelope just wants attention. The bruise could have been shown without showing the rest of that flat ass…
Women are so transparent.
Heartiste has done a superb deconstruction of Penelope :
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/the-evisceration-of-penelope-trunk/
Posted by TTT on February 2, 2012 at 3:06 am | permalink |
What a dumb bitch.
Posted by Chidi on February 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm | permalink |
You're not hot or young enough to be this crazy.
Posted by Chidi on February 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm | permalink |
Let me cum on your wounded maidenhead….
Posted by paul on February 5, 2012 at 2:21 am | permalink |
Care or not, I love you.
Posted by Marta Spendowska on February 11, 2012 at 12:59 am | permalink |